There is much theoretical debate about the separation of mind-body. My understanding is that our minds provide our individual subjective experiences – our thoughts, feelings, memories or consciousness. Our minds and bodies are not separate entities as (put simplistically) our brains note what is going on in our bodies and watch out for changes in posture, heart rate, breathing, or muscle tension for example.
How we experience an event can depend on our appraisal of the situation. For example – although this is extreme, imagine that I jump from a diving board into a swimming pool, my brain can sense that my body is falling. I feel excited. Versus the scene where I accidentally fall from a diving board, the pool is empty; my brain senses that my body is falling, however, it’s an entirely different emotional experience. Our brains are involved in what’s going on in our bodies but our thoughts and appraisals determine our feelings.
When we consciously tell ourselves that we are excited about something rather than fearful it can change how we feel. We can trick ourselves into believing that we are excited (when otherwise we might say we are afraid). Our body and brain do not necessarily separate fear and excitement, and the conscious thoughts we use to describe feelings to ourselves can change our experience.
That mind-body connection is very evident when we are on rollercoaster rides, bungee jumps or watch horror films because we are provided with an enjoyable fear response! My level of fear may not match yours. Or pain, while it’s not an emotion, is something that we all subjectively experience, but no one can tell us how much pain we experience. Neither do people experience pain in the same way. I find the 1-10 pain-scale impossible to complete because I might think a pain is a full 10 until an 11 strikes! Or my 10 is your 5! I’m mentioning this is because our thoughts impact how we feel and we each feel a little differently and have different thoughts. You might say you’re feeling stressed or excited or afraid or that you’re in pain but it may not be the same experience for the next person.
What we do with our bodies impacts our feelings. Sleep, hydrate, regularly eat healthy and nutritious food, exercise (cardio and weight-bearing), stretch, breathe deeply, and when you care for your body, you have the added bonus of potentially safeguarding your emotional health. Our mind-body or brain/thoughts, feelings/emotions are interlinked.
Humans experience stress. Sometimes we ignore stressors and put the head down and keep going! Perhaps we might pretend to ourselves that we are not in financial debt or that our partners are absent but our bodies might give us a warning sign such as a migraine, upset stomach, sore neck or back etc. When we pay attention to our feelings and to our emotions, it can help us deal with the source of sadness, stress or anxiety. We can make a plan of action to tackle whatever is causing us to feel subpar. Connection is vital to our wellbeing so joining a group to be in the company of others if life is solitary is very helpful. Here’s a link to some meet-up groups I found on Google (and I can’t recommend this – just information-sharing!)
Create a healthy mindset. Set aside time every day or at least every second day to focus on something important to you – take action! You are important. You deserve care. Mind yourself. For a healthy mind – mind your body. Journal to keep track of whatever helps improve your mood and use that list as a reminder when you need a pick-me-up. Make time to do things that you enjoy. Connect with others, seek social support, accept you and accept change. Life is not static. Keep perspective. Reassure yourself you’re doing your best.
Your thoughts impact your feelings – watch those thoughts!
Feed your mind as well as your body. Make a plan of action to tackle worries and overcome whatever is thwarting your efforts to positively sync your mind-body so you can feel good physically, emotionally, mentally etc.
When struggling emotionally, self-care can prove difficult. No one knows how you feel just by looking at you so be open with your GP who can advise and might be able to refer you for free counselling via CIPC (Counselling in Primary Care) if you’ve a medical card. Alternatively, contact www.mymind.org which provides low-cost counselling throughout Ireland. Talking therapy such as counselling or psychotherapy whether online or virtual or face to face can help give you perspective on self-doubt, limiting beliefs, upsetting thoughts and help motivate you towards achieving what you want in your life.
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A friend of mine told me she cried for a whole day when her son was offered his college course of choice. She didn’t cry happy tears but cried because her baby is moving to Dublin and life, as she knows it, will be forever changed.
At this time of year, young adults move away from home to take up third level courses or full-time jobs; children start primary and secondary schools. We may notice that it is dark earlier in the evenings or that foliage is changing to more autumnal tones. September is indeed a time of change.
This month, I am encouraging you to undergo great change – that is to challenge the unhelpful habit of trying to figure out what others think of you.
Worrying and thinking about what others think of you can be a huge drain emotionally and a waste of our precious time. We never get back any of the time that we waste worrying.
I often hear sweeping statements like “everyone thinks that I’m …” or “I know what they’re thinking about me”. These statements are simply not true. Not everyone is thinking about us and we never know what is going on in someone else’s mind.
Stop paying attention to what other people think of you and, instead, pay attention to what you think of you.
I understand the concern. We want people to like us. we want to fit in. We don’t want to appear stupid or weird or different. Who wants to be the outlier?
Sad but true – other people don’t think about you all that often. People are just like you in that they are thinking about themselves and about what is going on in their own lives. Even when someone looks at you funny (according to you!) perhaps they are trying to remember whether they locked the back door or paid a utility bill or they might be trying to figure out whether the car insurance is due for renewal!
We go about our daily lives with oodles of thoughts racing through our minds. Life is busy. Not everyone is thinking about you even when you think they are.
Shift your focus. We cannot stop worries from popping into our minds, but we can decide to focus our attention elsewhere and not give those worries so much airtime. Change your attention to something more helpful and positive.
Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. It is part of being human. Some mistakes are way bigger than others with life-altering repercussions. It does not matter what you have done, you are never the first to do it! You won’t be the last person to make a mistake or to say the wrong thing.
Try to pay attention to what you think about you rather than trying to figure out what others think of you. Get worries off your chest by telling someone trustworthy. A problem shared is a problem over which you gain perspective.
Pay attention to the things that you get right and to how you treat others. Being kind and compassionate are more relevant than the human mistakes that you make.
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You might feel lonely that your youngest is starting school or it may seem like only yesterday when it was your child’s first day at school and now he/she’s leaving home to start a third level course.
For some parents, a child starting school is super exciting, while it can be heart-breaking for other parents. Feeling anxious about the start of school term is to be expected because it is a big change. Whatever is happening in your household right now, stay focused and remain relaxed!
It is normal for your child (regardless of age) to have worries and concerns about school. Fears can vary from “which teacher?”; “where will I sit?”; “what if the bus doesn’t stop?”; “what if my friends aren’t my friends anymore?”; “maybe I won’t fit in”; “what if I don’t know what to say”……the list goes on.
Helpful tips
Ensure you have some one-to-one time with each of your children every day and at least every week go for a walk or play some music together or take a spin in the car or chat while doing a chore together etc.
Chat with your child(ren). Your message is always “I’m here to listen” and “I am your ally” so your child(ren) can approach you with worries and will be assured that together you will devise a plan of action to tackle their fears head-on.
Listen to the small things so your child knows you will be there for the big things as they age and worries change.
Encourage your child to share their feelings with you or their other parent / responsible adult. Explain that changes associated with returning/starting school can be difficult, that worries are okay and that it is beneficial to talk about them.
When your child is anxious, it may be easy to become stressed. The more grounded you are the better. It is comforting for your child to see that you are relaxed about a situation particularly when your child is anxious about it. Your child is looking to you for comfort and reassurance, if you react it may send the wrong message to your child and they may panic even more.
When your child comes to you and says they are worried about something, please be careful not to dismiss their worries or undermine their fears. Do not say “don’t worry” or “everyone feels like that”. Instead, chat about what course of action your child can take to help alleviate the worry. Encourage your child to work through the anxiety and to problem-solve. Try to empathise by saying “I see that you’re worried about this”.
Don’t dismiss fears as silly or say “that’s nothing“. When your child comes to you stop whatever you’re doing and listen carefully – show that you are interested in finding a solution. Listening to your child means that you allow them time to speak and time to think about what they want to tell you – don’t jump in too fast or finish sentences! Take time, listen and reflect back what you hear so your child knows you are paying close attention and that what they tell you is important to you.
Don’t break your child’s confidence by discussing their worries behind their back and making fun of them – they won’t confide in you again if they discover that you’re not trustworthy!
Encourage your child to be solutions-focused “what helps you feel relaxed?” or “what can you do that might help you feel better?”
Encourage your child to think about the nice things that happened during the day to gear their attention away from anxious thoughts particularly at night time. A nice way to finish the day is to ask your child, when saying good night, “what’s the best thing that happened today?” or “what was your favourite part of today?”
Praise. Praise. Praise. Every time your child handles a tricky situation and manages their anxiety give plenty praise. Be encouraging. As a parent you can’t always fix everything or be around to offer constant reassurance, but you can give your child the confidence to believe in their own abilities to overcome worries and concerns.
Think about how you behave when you are tired and hungry – we as adults are easily irritated. Your child may be irritable because of hunger or tiredness. It is important to have a good back-to-school routine for sleep and for meals. Watch portion sizes. Don’t reward your child(ren) with food items, instead reward with a trip to the playground or a comic or art materials. Stick to your screen time schedule (i.e. set limits to the amount of time, no screens in the bedroom or at the meal table). So very many children head to bed but not to sleep and school work and concentration suffer as a result of being on line into the small hours.
To recap, chat with your child, stay grounded, be and encourage your child to be solutions-focused, encourage and praise and stick to the back-to-school routine for sleep, food and screen-time!
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