As a counsellor and psychotherapist, I work in one-to-one therapy with adults (and adolescents) and daily, I hear about people being ghosted and the hurt it causes. Ghosting happens at all levels, from the initial messaging phase, meeting someone and liking them, following first-time sex and several months into a relationship. (I’m writing here about romantic ghosting rather than employment ghosting).
When that special someone, the person with whom you feel a connection, suddenly severs all contact and vanishes. They disappear. No calls, no texts, no messages. Nothing. Often without warning or explanation.
Ghosting, in a work capacity occurs when a company advertises a vacancy, invites a candidate for interview and they don’t turn up. Or, following the interview process, the company carries out background checks etc., only to discover the candidate disappears once the job offer is made or after accepting the offer.
Stop Ghosting! Please.
I think we always had some element of no-contact following a disastrous first date for example, but what we now call ghosting is different. In my experience, it is more severe and more hurtful. In the past, even if we had wanted to ghost someone, the likelihood is that we knew someone who knew someone who drank in the pub where we met or there was some sort of tentative connection. This is particularly true here in Ireland where we often know friends of friends for example. Nowadays, however, our only contact and connection with the potential love of our life may be online, via a dating or messaging app.
So, here you are, in a new relationship or perhaps at the initial messaging stage (i.e. working towards meeting for a date). You are investing your time and energy when suddenly the person whom you believe cares about you, stops all contact. Their online profile may disappear. They don’t return calls, texts, messages or emails. They are the disappeared. I have heard it being said that it would be easier if the person died because at least there’d be a solid reason for the complete lack of contact.
If you are ghosted: If we are ghosted there’s no way for us to figure out why. Ghosting causes us to question the relationship and ourselves. “What did I do to deserve this?” “What is wrong with me” (rather than what is wrong with the person ghosting). We feel rejected and hurt. We question our self-worth. If we have low self-esteem or if ghosting often happens to us (as it does), it may take us a long time to recover. Emotional pain is akin to physical pain in terms of how our brains experience it. The bottom line is that ghosting hurts.
We know that in today’s world, people are overworked and stressed. It may be that the person ghosting is not able to deal or cope with a break-up or with upsetting a person’s feelings. If you are ghosted, it says more about them than you.
If you are the person who ghosts: Be honest without being cruel. Explain how you feel. Be accountable. Have the courage to deal with the discomfort of your emotions and the other person’s. Explain that you don’t see a future together; that you are not the love of their life and you don’t want to work at and/or be in this relationship. Say you want out rather than ghosting because it safeguards everyone’s self-esteem in the long run. Do not hope the other person is a mind-reader and realises what you’re thinking and will break up with you first! Don’t be afraid of your feelings or emotions or of the other person’s reactions. Don’t fear talking. Breaking up is better than simply falling off the face of the earth.
I work with the fall-out and aftermath of ghosting and this is a sample of what I hear: “Why does this keep happening? What did I do to deserve this? Why would someone do this to me? Why did I mean so little? I’m worth nothing – I’m not even worth a phone-call. It makes me feel so low. I thought she cared, and she didn’t. I have no closure, no reason, I feel worthless. I texted him, he read it and didn’t reply. What did I do wrong? I feel like a fool. I feel used. It must be my fault. What could I do differently – it must be me – I must be doing something wrong? Maybe he will call me another time. Is it actually over or is he just busy at work but no one can be too busy to message, can they?”
Please don’t tell yourself that everyone is ghosting and that makes it alright – nothing makes it alright.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Foot note: What sparked me to write the above and to plead to people to stop ghosting / not to ghost is two-fold. Firstly, because of the number of people when ghosted, who feel like their self-esteem has been kicked down a dark hole, never to be found, left with a truckload of questions and self-doubt. Secondly, as a fan of Twitter (@_carolinecrotty) I came across an article that male kalutas, small mouse-like marsupials, die after mating. In response to the article @woolyknickers tweeted “You say “drop dead” I say “extreme ghosting”. It is great we can laugh at ghosting, but it is now so commonplace that “ghosting” is part of our vocabulary. I find this upsetting.
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