As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass.
We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
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In recent weeks, the four-part documentary series Adolescence has received widespread attention for its raw, unfiltered portrayal of teenage life. While the series has sparked important public conversations, it raises serious concerns among mental health professionals and educators about its suitability for viewing in school settings.
As a psychotherapist working with young people and someone involved in designing and delivering school-based wellbeing programmes, I have worked closely with teachers, principals and the Department of Education to ensure that sensitive topics are introduced in a safe, age-appropriate and developmentally informed way.
Adolescence includes deeply personal and distressing accounts of trauma, including murder and the non-consensual sharing of explicit images of a young girl. These are harrowing events, and while they are sadly a reality for some, presenting them to a young audience without a clinical or therapeutic framework can be deeply destabilising.
Research in developmental psychology shows that the adolescent brain is highly sensitive to emotional stimuli but lacks the full cognitive capacity to regulate and contextualise complex emotional content. Viewing emotionally intense material without proper scaffolding or follow-up can heighten anxiety, trigger unresolved trauma or contribute to vicarious distress.
One of the well-documented effects of media exposure on young people is the risk of descriptive norming, the tendency to view behaviours shown in media as typical or socially acceptable simply because they are portrayed. In Adolescence, risky behaviours are depicted with minimal commentary. Without structured discussion and guidance, there is a real concern that these behaviours may be normalised rather than critically examined.
There is also a risk of normalising violence and aggression as a rite of passage for young people, particularly boys, although Adolescence also depicts a young teenage girl engaging in physical fighting. When violence is portrayed without context or consequence, it may reinforce harmful norms around gender and aggression.
Labelling these behaviours under the umbrella of toxic masculinity risks oversimplifying the issue and may inadvertently reinforce stereotypes. Rather than accepting aggression or emotional suppression as part of male identity, we must work to promote emotional literacy, empathy and healthy communication skills across all genders.
For adolescents already living with trauma, grief, abuse or mental health difficulties, scenes portraying violent death, sexual abuse or image-based exploitation may trigger acute emotional responses or retraumatise viewers.
The HSE’s National Guidelines on Mental Health Promotion and Suicide Prevention (2019) stress the importance of protecting young people from media content that could negatively influence their mental wellbeing, especially when it comes to themes of suicide and self-harm. Schools have a duty of care to their students and should err on the side of caution when selecting resources.
For material to be suitable for school use, it must have a clearly defined educational purpose aligned with developmental outcomes. While Adolescence may raise awareness, it lacks the structure, educational framing and learning outcomes needed to help young people engage with the content critically and safely.
Effective wellbeing education is grounded in evidence-based programmes that support emotional literacy, resilience and help-seeking behaviour. As it stands, Adolescence is a documentary for public awareness and reflection, not a pedagogical tool designed for adolescent development.
There are numerous age-appropriate, evidence-based programmes designed specifically for school settings that explore mental health, identity, relationships and risk-taking behaviour in a structured, supportive way. These include:
Jigsaw’s One Good School programme or NEART initiative
SPHE resources vetted by the Department of Education
The HSE’s MindOut and Mental Health and Wellbeing resources
These tools offer professional guidance, structured delivery and teacher training to ensure that young people are not only informed but also supported.
Young people deserve honest and empathetic conversations about mental health and adolescence. But timing, context and delivery matter.
While Adolescence may offer valuable insights for parents, educators and policymakers, it is not suitable for classroom viewing. Parents may benefit from watching the series to gain a deeper understanding of the pressures young people face, but what is to be gained by exposing adolescents to such traumatic content without professional support? Why should teachers pick up the burden of parenting our young people?
I am a trained professional and I cried at Stephen Graham’s performance, the father who believed he was a wonderful parent because he had not hit his children, as he himself had been beaten. The heartbreak in that moment was real, but its intensity shows why this material must be handled with care.
Educators and schools must prioritise psychological safety, emotional readiness and duty of care when selecting any material. In place of raw exposure, let us choose structured, age-appropriate conversations that educate, empower and protect.
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