Do you know someone who is happy? Perhaps you are that happy person. What ‘happy’ means to me may differ to how you would define it. There are possibly as many definitions of ‘happiness’ as there are people.
Various factors impact and contribute to our overall sense of happiness from involvement in our communities to celebrations, weather, finances, family etc. I don’t have enough space here to examine influences on or definitions of happiness but in my experience, everyone wants to be happy.
Ask yourself ‘Do I want to be happy? If the answer is ‘yes’ put a plan of action into place. We all know that life is not fair but being happy requires an investment of your time and effort because happy people work at being happy.
If you want to be happy follow these tips:
Accept yourself completely – just as you are AND accept your reality. This means you accept your family, house, appearance, birthplace, strengths/limitations, history etc. Acceptance is the key to happiness. (This is not easy but it is vital).
Learn something new – how to put up a shelf, knit, sew, bake a sponge cake – keep your brain active with new knowledge and skills.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. Forgive others for theirs. Let go of resentments – it is difficult to be happy with a heavy heart.
Engage in activities. Start a new hobby such as yoga or Bridge. Join a club or start one e.g. a book club or dinner club with your neighbours/friends.
Spend time with people that make you feel good, ideally positive people. Avoid people who stress you out or drain your energies.
Have a sense of purpose. Happy people have something to do or somewhere to go (even if it is just to the shop for milk).
Do things you are good at, that you enjoy, that are fun or make you feel good. Do them often.
Say NO. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it. If you do, then do so without complaint.
Acknowledge that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions, you are only responsible for yours.
Find your voice and say when you are unhappy about something. (Say I feel x when y because z)
Nurture a loving relationship with YOU. Happy people give themselves breaks and let themselves off the hook. They learn how to relax and how to manage anxieties/stresses.
Set short-term achievable goals. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting unattainable goals! Set a goal, achieve it, acknowledge the achievement then set new goals!
Invest time in others. Make time for your partner, children, friends, neighbours or strangers.
Watch your language. I don’t mean swear words I mean self-talk. Say only positive things and use only positive words particularly when talking about you.
Help others because it makes us feel happy. Help willingly. Volunteer in your community or to do something nice for a neighbour.
Your brain believes you must be happy if you are smiling, it immediately raises your mood. Smiles are contagious.
Treat your body as well as you can. Eat well, hydrate, keep moving and breathe slowly.
Be kind and gentle, forgiving and compassionate with YOU and others.
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If we are attempting to change our thinking pattern it can be helpful to analyse what we are saying to ourselves (in our minds). When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative or illogical thoughts with more positive, rational ones.
Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Is your thinking magical (if x then y)?
To challenge negative thoughts or irrational thinking, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. I have inserted a sample answer.
If you find answering all the questions difficult at first, perhaps start on week one with just the first two questions and the following week answer the first three questions and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be automatically challenging your negative thoughts.
In my car driving home from work.
Someone pulled into the road in front of me and caused me to brake hard. I got a fright because I nearly crashed.
How can people be so thoughtless. That driver is so reckless. He didn’t think about me or the dangers. I could have rear-ended that car. My insurance premium would sky-rocket. I can’t afford another bill. He is such an idiot.
I was fuming. I was so angry I was shaking. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. I could feel my face turn red and my heart-beat quicken.
I shouted and shook my fist at the driver. I banged my fist on the steering wheel. I drove more quickly.
I didn’t crash. The driver was probably distracted by something else and didn’t see me. This is nothing personal. I can ignore the incident because it is not going to be important in a year’s time. I can focus on the radio, music or calm breathing instead of getting angry. I am in control of my emotions and my thoughts. I am okay. Pull back and allow a greater distance in between me and the car in front because that helps keep me calm.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Bernie C from Bantry mentioned to me that her aunt (in years of old) would warn her, and whomever else was nearby, that they couldn’t go picking blackberries because they might get chased by a bull. I have no doubt that this advice was given with the very best intentions. I thought it was such a fascinating comment that I’d simply have to write about it! My difficulty was how to weave a piece around the comment as it is applicable to negativity; anxiety; catastrophic or what-if thinking but I decided to write about parenting and chatting with children.
By the way, I am not saying bulls are not dangerous – I know they are lethal. What is so interesting is that the instruction means no blackberries can ever be picked because of the possibility that a bull might chase, maul, maim and presumably kill any blackberry-pickers.
We regularly warn children, and others whom we love, about dangers, threats or eventualities that may or may not happen. Parents have a particularly difficult task in that their objective is to raise well-adjusted, confident, kind, independent, self-sufficient adults whilst simultaneously instilling a sense of responsibility and consequences for actions. It is certainly not easy to find the right balance between warning of danger and instilling fear or doom. We hope our children become conscious that if they play with fire someone or something may get burned or, at the very least, singed!
Life often gets in the way of being a less than text-book-perfect-parent. We can be preoccupied with what’s going on at work or for our friends or by our finances or simply distracted by life. We may not be present for our children even when we are physically with them. We may make statements or give orders like “don’t go in there”, “be careful”, “stop doing that”, “watch where you’re going” etc. without ever explaining WHY.
With all our warnings and advices, particularly to teenagers, parents may not realise that risk-taking activities decrease with age not because we have been chanting the same warnings for years but because of changes that take place in the brain – changes which improve a person’s capacity for self-regulation as they mature.
In other words, risky and reckless behaviour decreases when the relevant brain area develops and that doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. Yes – you’ve read correctly – the rational part of our brains develop in our mid-twenties. This is often why our children may simply be unable to explain what they were thinking when they do something off the wall. They are literally unable to answer parents’ “why” or “what did you do that for” questions!
Words of warning are never wasted but the content and manner of your dialogue and how you pass on information is relevant. Rather than warning about potential bulls in every field where blackberries are growing, it might be an idea to be positive and encouraging. Picking blackberries is a wonderful idea, blackberries are very healthy and good for our bodies. An alternate instruction would be to explain how to ensure there are no bulls in a field before entering. Does your child know what a bull looks like or what a bull is? Explain how bulls are dangerous, etc.
Explain everything to children and do not ever assume they know something because you may have mentioned it in the past. “Because I said so” is not a valid instruction!
Here are some pointers to help improve dialogue with your child:
Teach your child about feelings and the various words for feelings. We usually teach fairly standard words like tired, happy, sad, angry, excited. It is also good to teach about other feelings such as content, anxious, loved, calm, shy, scared, worried, jealous, proud.
Encourage your children to express themselves about how they are feeling and also chat about how you feel. They are entitled to have their own opinions and views. They are independent of you.
Apologise to your children when you have made a mistake. You are teaching them a great lesson when you apologise – your children learn that parents make mistakes, that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is part of being human.
Try not to nag. Do not harp on about the same stuff all the time – think about it – would you listen to someone who is repeating a message and in a negative way? I think you’d probably switch off as soon as the subject came up.
Do not bark orders at your children or at anyone else! I suggest going to the room where your children are rather than calling them (or shouting) from the kitchen into the sitting room for example.
Give your children enough time to finish what they’re doing – dinner will be ready soon, please be at the table in five minutes. Be clear in your instructions e.g. I am leaving in half an hour.
Always listen when your child is telling you something, pay attention and acknowledge what it means for your child. Listening is powerful. You are not interrupting when you are listening. You are paying attention. You are giving your acknowledgement that you are there for your child and what your child has to say is important to you.
Always keep your cool or you will end up saying something you cannot take back.
Encourage decision making – will you wear your red shoes or your black shoes today? Which book will we read at bedtime? Do you want a shower or a bath? You forgot your pencil in school, what will you do to get another pencil? This helps your child become solution-focused and able to make their own decisions.
Do activities with your children as often as you can – lead by example. Let’s all tidy the toys together and we will have a tidy room very soon.
To improve dialogue with your own children, seek advice from other parents. Parenting is a role that is often perfected when it’s too late (i.e. when your children have left home). Grandparents have a wealth of wisdom, they may not have been perfect parents to you but they know where they went wrong and also what works!
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Sometimes our thoughts can be negative and we have trouble trying to stop or think of something positive. If we are on a cycle of negative thinking, it is not beneficial and we must somehow stop. It is difficult to be happy while thinking negatively.
When stuck on a negative thinking treadmill, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this a thought or a feeling or is it a fact?
Is this thought beneficial? Is it making me feel good?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is true?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is not true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I thinking of the worst case scenario?
What would my friend advise me to do right now?
What would I advise my friend / family member to do in the same situation?
What is the worst thing that could happen? If it does happen, what could I do to help me cope?
Will this be important in six months’ time? Will it matter in two years’ time?
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