Being good enough

The ‘mind bully’ is a regular part of life for most people. The mean-spirited, internal voice that criticises our physical appearance, flaws, conversation etc. The inner critic’s list is endless and is also fond of comparisons, comparing you to family members, friends or to people you don’t know who seem happy, successful, confident etc., particularly when you don’t feel particularly good about yourself. However, the people we compare ourselves to have issues and worries and their own internal critic just like us. Sometimes it can be really hard to feel that we are good enough.

We often have unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Successful relationships, owning property, career advancement, having children etc can be the focus of our inner critic. We may feel there is something wrong with us if we don’t hit our self-imposed targets. We lose sight of what we are getting right and of our daily successes. We forget that we are doing okay, that we are alright just the way we are, that we are good enough.

We are not perfect but there is no need to give ourselves a hard time. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We will achieve more if we accept that we are each unique with flaws and limitations and talents and gifts.

Feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Just because you feel or think something it does not make it true. Don’t be fooled by what you think or feel especially if you are prone to giving yourself a hard time.

Pay attention to how you talk to others when they are in trouble. What tone and words do you use? Do you ‘speak’ to yourself in the same way? If not, why not? You are worthy of gentle words and gestures particularly when you make a mistake or get something wrong.

When we least want to meet people, that’s when we most need them. Stay connected to help you get your thinking back on track.

Give yourself a pat on the back for each little success. Spot the good things that you do every day – like being up out of bed and dressed. Remind yourself you are doing okay. You have come this far despite all the obstacles.

When we accept ourselves as we are right now, it helps us feel content. Appreciate the life you have, it may not be perfect or as you had planned but it is your life. You have talents that the next person doesn’t have.

Acknowledge where you are and what you have achieved. Don’t give yourself a hard time about what you don’t have. Acknowledge the progress and sacrifices that you’ve made to come this far.

Focus on progress rather than perfection. You have come a long way.

Being mean won’t make you feel good. Praise, kindness and gentleness work far better. You are good enough. You’re not perfect and it is okay not to be.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Jumping to Conclusions

Do you jump to conclusions?

Just because you think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true, even if it feels like it must be true!

If you jump to conclusions and often feel anxious or worried, the great news is that you can learn how to take charge of your thinking, learn to feel calmer and more in control of your thoughts.

If you told me that you would like to change someone else’s thoughts, I’d say you’re out of luck because there’s no hope of changing anyone else. However, if you want to change the way YOU think and change YOUR unhelpful thoughts or thinking patterns, then you can.

Each of us has automatic thoughts and we make assumptions all day long. Self-talk is very important because we tend to believe what we tell ourselves whether it is true or not! I often refer to what we have in our heads as a “mind bully”.

To others, we may look or appear calm but on the inside, we have a running commentary which accompanies us everywhere that can be horrible and nasty. I often ask “would you want to spend time with someone who talks to you the way you speak to yourself in your head?” I am fairly sure that for most people the answer is a resounding “no“.

Our self-talk can be cruel and make it easy for us to jump to inaccurate and often absurd conclusions. We might wake at night thinking terrible things are going to happen. Or we might be scared to quit our job because we are sure that we would fail elsewhere or we might think we would never even get another job. We might end a relationship because we are convinced our partner is too good for us and will run off with someone who’s more attractive, intelligent or interesting than us. We might eat a sweet and think we always fail at diets. The mind bully’s list of topics is endless!

Taking control of our thinking and ultimately learning how to manage our worries starts with our self-talk.

When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative, illogical or unhelpful thoughts with more logical and rational thoughts.

Firstly, pay focused attention to your self-talk and to what you are thinking. What are you saying to yourself? Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Do you jump to conclusions? Do you think you can predict the future with your invisible/imaginary crystal ball?

To challenge negative or irrational thoughts, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. For other suggestions take a look at this worksheet clear thinking

Where was I?

What happened?

What were my thoughts?

Are my assumptions based on facts?

How was I feeling?

What did I do?

Is there an alternative viewpoint?

What is a more logical and rational thought?

Time back again, what could I do differently?

It’s worth a try! It will help you to start paying attention to your thoughts and shortly, you’ll begin to catch yourself being unfair to you and then, you’ll be able to start challenging unhelpful and unwanted thoughts. Just beccause it feels right, doesn’t mean your thinking is accurate – jumping to conclusions is usually inaccurate and unhelpful.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Negative Thinking

To Keep Thoughts Level, Clear, Logical and Positive

Sometimes our thoughts can be negative and we have trouble trying to stop or think of something positive. If we are on a cycle of negative thinking, it is not beneficial and we must somehow stop. It is difficult to be happy while thinking negatively.

When stuck on a negative thinking treadmill, ask yourself the following questions:

Is this a thought or a feeling or is it a fact?

Is this thought beneficial? Is it making me feel good?

What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is true?

What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is not true?

Am I jumping to conclusions?

Am I thinking of the worst case scenario?

What would my friend advise me to do right now?

What would I advise my friend / family member to do in the same situation?

What is the worst thing that could happen? If it does happen, what could I do to help me cope?

Will this be important in six months’ time? Will it matter in two years’ time?