As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass.
We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
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