Informed. Uplifting. Practical. Psychology that people can use.
Looking for a speaker who can inspire and connect without clichés or corporate fluff? Caroline Crotty is a psychotherapist and public speaker based in Cork, offering talks that blend professional expertise with warmth, humour and realism. Whether speaking in a boardroom, at a staff wellbeing day or on stage at a festival, Caroline delivers practical mental health and wellbeing strategies that people actually use.
Caroline speaks on a range of topics related to mental health, emotional wellbeing and everyday resilience. All talks are rooted in psychological insight, delivered in clear, plain language and tailored for real-life relevance.
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Based in Cork. Available for bookings across Ireland and online.
Throughout my years of working with people from all walks of life, one truth has become abundantly clear: we are often our own harshest critics. Time and again, I meet people weighed down by self-doubt, lost in comparisons, and questioning their sense of worth. But here’s a fact I wish you would hold on to today: you are enough, exactly as you are.
We live in a world that often equates worth with achievement, appearance, or success. This can lead to the exhausting pursuit of perfection – an unattainable goal. Whether striving to be the best at work, the fittest in your gym, or the most engaging person at a party, perfectionism keeps us in a constant state of “not good enough.”
The reality is that perfection isn’t what connects us as humans. Vulnerability, authenticity and kindness are far more powerful. Allowing yourself to be imperfect not only lifts the weight of unrealistic expectations but also invites deeper connections with others who see and accept you for who you really are.
It’s natural to make mistakes. We all do. Yet, many of us cling to our failures as evidence that we’re not worthy or capable. We say all sorts of terrible things to ourselves when we get something wrong. Some mistakes have more significant consequences; however, we need to be able to accept that we are human. But what if mistakes were viewed very differently? Instead of considering them massive failures, we could reframe them as opportunities for learning. Each stumble is a step forward, a chance to grow and a reminder that you’re trying – that’s something to be proud of. Even if you don’t like the outcome – you were willing to take a chance.
One of the biggest culprits of self-doubt is comparison. Social media makes it easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to others’ fake highlight reels. But you’re comparing your behind-the-scenes real life to someone else’s polished production. What you don’t see are their struggles, doubts and fears – people on social media well, they’re human, just like you.
Instead of measuring yourself against online personalities, turn your focus inwards. Celebrate your progress, however small, and honour your journey. It’s unique and worthy of praise. I even go so far as to say it’s worthy of feeling pride!
At the end of the day (said like Roy Keane), it’s not the number of promotions, likes, acknowledgements or accolades you receive on social media that define your sense of worth. What matters are the moments of kindness you’ve shown towards others, the resilience you’ve demonstrated in getting through the hardships in your life, and the relationships you’ve nurtured. Your worth is not tied to what you do; you are not your job; your self-worth is inherent in who you are.
If you take one thing away from this blog post – treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a dear friend. When self-critical thoughts creep in, ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” The answer is definitely ‘no’. You’d be so kind and supportive to someone else, so please offer yourself the same grace and support.
Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend you do every night! Write down one thing you really liked or appreciated about yourself that day. It could be as simple as “I handled a stressful situation well”, “I smiled at a stranger and made their day better”, or “I held a door open for someone, and I know they felt seen”. Over time, you’ll notice and appreciate your strengths and kindness towards others.
Remember, you are not defined by your productivity, appearance, or accolades. You are enough because of your humanity, effort and unique place in this world. The world would not be the same if you were never born or not here right now. If today feels hard, know that it’s okay to pause, breathe and just be. Tomorrow is a new day. You don’t have to be perfect; you have to be yourself.
If self-doubt feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor or a peer support group or maybe now is the time to attend an AA or NA meeting – I suspect it might not do any harm to see what one is like! Sometimes, having someone to guide you through the noise of self-criticism can make a huge difference. You are worthy of support, joy and peace of mind. You’re also deserving of the love that you give others.
Take care of yourself!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Have you ever spilt coffee on your top in a meeting or stumbled over a word during a presentation and felt like all eyes were on you? Or maybe you wore mismatched socks to a party and were certain everyone noticed. This phenomenon, where we believe our actions or appearance are under intense scrutiny, is referred to as the “spotlight effect”. We tend to overestimate how much other people notice and remember our actions. The reality is that most people are far too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinise ours!
Understanding the spotlight effect can help free us from its grip and also help us navigate social situations with greater confidence and self-compassion.
The term “spotlight effect” was coined in social psychology and refers to our inflated perception of how much others notice and remember our actions or appearance. This cognitive bias arises because we are so immersed in our own experiences that it becomes challenging to step outside of ourselves and consider the limited perspective of others. In essence, we are the main characters in our own stories, and we assume others are equally focused on us.
Research backs this up. In a well-known study*, participants were asked to wear embarrassing t-shirts to a social gathering. When later asked to estimate how many people noticed the shirts, participants consistently overestimated the number. The reality was that most people either didn’t notice or quickly forgot. This demonstrates a key truth: most people are too preoccupied with their own concerns to dwell on others’ mistakes or quirks.
Evolutionarily, being attuned to others’ opinions had survival benefits. In early human societies, social cohesion was critical, and being aware of others’ judgments helped maintain harmony. However, in modern times, this tendency can become exaggerated, leading to unnecessary anxiety and self-consciousness.
Certain factors can intensify the spotlight effect. Social anxiety, for instance, can heighten the sense that you’re being judged. Perfectionism also plays a role, as individuals who set excessively high standards for themselves are more likely to fear others’ negative evaluations. Additionally, the rise of social media has amplified the spotlight effect by creating platforms where we feel constantly visible.
The Psychological Cost of Living Under the Spotlight
Living under the illusion of the spotlight effect can take a toll on mental health. It contributes to feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, and even shame. Many clients describe avoiding certain situations because they fear judgment or ridicule. For example, someone might decline public speaking opportunities because they believe any minor slip-up will be remembered and judged harshly.
Over time, this avoidance can erode self-confidence and limit personal growth. It’s important to recognise that while the spotlight effect may feel real, it is often just a mental construct that can be dismantled with the right strategies.
Fortunately, the spotlight effect is a mental construct, and there are practical ways to dismantle it. Here are some strategies to help you break free from its grip.
Reframe Your Perspective: Remind yourself that most people focus on themselves. For example, when you feel self-conscious, ask yourself, “How often do I notice or remember minor mistakes others make?” The answer is prob, “Not often,” and the same applies to you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for perceived mistakes, treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. Acknowledge that imperfection is a natural part of being human.
Shift the Focus: Redirect your attention outward. Engage with others and ask questions. Focus on what’s going on around you rather than your internal narrative. This can help break the cycle of self-conscious thoughts.
Embrace Exposure: Gradual exposure to situations that trigger the spotlight effect can help you build resilience. For instance, if you’re anxious about public speaking, start with smaller, low-stakes audiences and work your way up. You migth start by speaking during a small group gathering at work or with friends. Practice giving a toast at a family event; volunteer to present in some informal setting, such as a book club.
Limit Social Media Consumption: Social media can magnify the spotlight effect by presenting idealised versions of others’ lives. Taking regular breaks from social media or adjusting your algorithm to prioritise positive, authentic and realistic content can significantly reduce its impact on your mental well-being.
Moving Beyond the Spotlight: Understanding the spotlight effect is a powerful way to start freeing yourself from its grasp. It’s a reminder that we are all navigating our own challenges and that others’ attention is not focused on us as often as we imagine. By shifting your mindset and practicing self-compassion, you can reduce feelings of self-consciousness.
Many people learn how to free themselves from the pressure of an imaginary spotlight. They embrace challenges, deepen relationships and can live authentically. You can, too.
If this resonates with you, perhaps you might apply one of the strategies today. If the spotlight effect is limiting your potential then consider talking to a mental health professional. The world isn’t watching as closely as you think. You deserve to live fully, freely and authentically.
*Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211
www.carolinecrotty.ie
There’s a difference between someone loving you and you loving someone. While both involve care, affection, and connection, they come from different sources and serve distinct emotional needs.
When someone loves you, you are the recipient of their affection. This love can make you feel validated, cared for, and supported. It nurtures your self-worth and offers a sense of belonging. However, the love you receive from others, while wonderful, is not something you can control or create – it is an external source of emotional nourishment.
While being loved by someone else can enhance your happiness, it cannot fill the void if you lack a strong foundation of self-love. Relying solely on external love can lead to dependency, insecurity or disappointment when that love doesn’t meet all your emotional needs.
On the other hand, loving someone comes from your inner capacity to give affection, care and emotional support. This love is an expression of who you are and what you value. However, loving someone else should be rooted in a healthy understanding and love for yourself. Without self-love, your love for others may become imbalanced, leading to over-giving, people-pleasing, or losing yourself in the relationship while seeking external validation or approval.
If you struggle to give or receive love, you are not alone. Many people face barriers because of past experiences, trust issues, or deeply held beliefs about themselves and others. For example, loving and being loved require vulnerability, which can feel overwhelming if you’ve been hurt in the past. Opening up can feel risky, but starting small – like sharing your feelings with a trusted friend.- can help you build confidence in showing your true self.
Low self-worth can make it difficult to accept love. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of affection, you may unconsciously block love from others. Working on affirming your worth through self-reflective practices, positive self-talk, or therapy can help you rebuild this belief. Similarly, trust issues from past betrayals may make you hesitate to rely on others emotionally. Trust takes time to build – allow people to demonstrate their reliability gradually.
For some people the challenge lies in over-sharing. If you constantly put others’ needs above your own, you may find yourself emotionally drained. This often stems from a desire to earn love rather than giving it freely. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to care for others without neglecting your own needs. Lastly, fear of rejection can prevent you from showing affection or receiving it. Shifting your focus to the act of giving love, rather than its outcome, can help you embrace love as a gift, not a transaction.
Self-love is about recognising your worth, setting healthy boundaries and meeting your emotional needs. Without it, you may look to others to fill gaps in your self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy relationships or emotional burnout. When you cultivate self-love, you become less dependent on external validation because your sense of worth comes from within. You can set healthy boundaries that protect your energy and ensure that your relationships remain balanced. This self-respect also helps you choose healthier partnerships with people who value and respect you, rather than settling because of insecurity or fear of being alone.
Loving yourself allows you to give love freely. Instead of seeking validation or reciprocation, your love becomes an expression of abundance. You can show care and affection for others without losing yourself in the process, creating relationships that feel mutually fulfilling.
True emotional fulfilment comes from a balance of loving and being loved. When you love yourself, you approach relationships from a healthy perspective, able to give and receive love without losing your sense of self. Relying solely on others for love and validation can lead to emotionally draining or imbalanced relationships. Loving yourself first is not selfish – it’s essential. By cultivating self-love, you create a strong foundation for future relationships, ensuring that the love you give and receive is healthy, authentic and enriching for both you and the other person.
Your revised section is thoughtful and inspiring, and it flows well. Here’s a slightly refined version to make it even more polished and engaging:
Start by practising self-kindness and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a close friend – offer encouragement, patience and understanding instead of harsh judgment. Gratitude is another powerful tool. By recognising the love and support already present in your life, even in small moments or gestures, you can shift your perspective and nurture a deeper sense of connection. Communication is equally vital. Openly expressing your feelings and needs fosters trust and strengthens relationships over time. Celebrate the progress you make and keep in mind htat every step you take towards giving or receiving love is an achievement. By acknowledging your growth, you build confidence and reinforce your ability to form meaningful, healthy connections. Love whether it’s self-love, giving love, or accepting it is a lifelong process. Take a deep breath, embrace who you are and trust in your ability to give and receive love. The most powerful relationship you’ll ever cultivate is the one you build with yourself.
Visit www.carolinecrotty.ie to discover more ways to nurture your emotional well-being and create a life filled with love, connection and self-acceptance.
The Comparison Trap: Why Comparisons Never Work and How to Break Free
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. Whether scrolling through social media or watching people around us, comparisons can easily and quickly pop into our minds and leave us feeling inadequate and unhappy.
Comparing ourselves to anyone doesn’t work. It’s unfair and inaccurate because others don’t live our lives and have our experiences, thoughts, gifts or challenges. Others aren’t us – I am not you.
STOP comparing yourself to anyone. The ‘Comparison Trap’ undermines self-esteem, fuels anxiety, and distracts us from our lives and goals. When we compare ourselves to others, we highlight our perceived shortcomings and focus only on what we think we lack, diminishing our self-worth and preventing us from appreciating our unique strengths and talents.
The pressure to measure up to others’ achievements or lifestyles creates dissatisfaction and stress. That anxiety can become overwhelming, especially when comparing yourself to unrealistic standards like people in airbrushed photos on social media with perfectly shiny lives!
Comparisons can push us to pursue goals that don’t align with our true desires or values. Instead of following our life path, we might strive to meet external expectations, leading to deep dissatisfaction. Fortunately, there are ways to break free from the habit of comparison.
What Helps?
Recognise Your Triggers: Pay attention to when and why you compare yourself to others. Is it certain situations, environments, or people that trigger comparisons? Understanding what drives you can help you manage these triggers.
Curate Social Media: Social media often presents an idealised version of life. Consider curating your feed to follow accounts that inspire positivity and set boundaries to protect your mental health.
Focus on Achievements: Regularly remind yourself of your accomplishments and unique qualities. Keeping a gratitude journal or celebrating small wins can help shift your focus from what you lack to what you have.
Set Personal Goals: Set goals that align with your values and track your progress, focusing on your ambitions rather than others’ milestones.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone’s life is different, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Life is messy. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend, and challenge negative thoughts whenever they arise.
Find Inspiration in Others: Instead of comparing yourself to others, view them as sources of inspiration. Celebrate your life and the lessons you’ve learned.
Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with people who encourage and uplift you. Limit exposure to negative influences that trigger comparisons, and engage with people who appreciate you for who you are.
Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Spend time doing things you love. This can boost your self-esteem and reduce the urge to compare.
Seek Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist to develop healthier thought patterns and learn how to be more gentle, compassionate and kinder to yourself.
Comparing yourself to others is a natural tendency, but by practising self-awareness, setting personal goals, and embracing your uniqueness, you can break free from the Comparison Trap and focus on what really matters – you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
There is no need to shout at your children. We all know that shouting doesn’t work! But even when parents know it doesn’t work, the bizarre thing is that they continue to shout at their children and often claim “it’s the only way I can get my children to listen to me”.
Ask yourself whether you would tolerate someone shouting at your children? Is it acceptable?
What would you say if I shouted at your children? Why is it okay for you to shout at them?
I am not referring to shouting if there is a fire or to prevent a child from running onto the road for example. I am talking about shouting at your child to correct them. The “don’t talk to your brother like that” “stop fighting over the game” “don’t test my patience” type of shouting! I am also talking about shouting at your children because of stuff going on in your life. You’re frustrated, stressed out or anxious and something happens that tips you over the edge and you shout. Please don’t take your difficulties or issues out on your children.
It might interest you to note that parents who shout cause reactions in their children that are similar to them being physically punished.
Shouting is an expression of anger and has the potential to make a child feel scared. Shouting can increase behavioural problems in children and negatively impact their self-esteem.
If your shouting comes with a tirade of verbal putdowns, name-calling or insults because you have lost control, this constitutes emotional abuse which brings with it potential for anxiety and also for aggression in your children.
Stop shouting. Please. For your own sake as a parent but more importantly for your children and their emotional wellbeing.
I have heard arguments that “our parents shouted and it didn’t do us any harm” but we now know, from studies, that shouting has a negative impact on children’s development.
Remind yourself that you are your child’s role model. Model the behaviour that you expect from your child. Set clear boundaries for behaviour. You don’t shout because you don’t want your children to shout. Praise your child’s efforts. Give lots of hugs (at the right times).
Children who are most often in trouble for unaccepable behaviour are children who may be most in need of positive attention and affirmation and certainly in need of plenty hugs.
Start today. Explain that shouting is no longer tolerated in your family. That you were wrong to shout. That you will all stick to this new family rule. Show your children that you are in control of your emotions and that you (no longer) lose your cool. Explain that you are now going to step away from the area if you feel that you are getting frustrated / angry and think you might shout. Return to chat when you are more chilled.
You do not need to raise your voice to be heard. Go to where your children are, rather than shouting to them from another room. Meet them at their level rather than speaking down to them.
Teach children about emotions and feelings and discuss how you feel. For example, explain that you feel angry (at behaviour rather than at your child) and instead of shouting and screaming, demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions and can speak about the situation.
Always be respectful of your children. While you are practicing your new rule of no shouting, if you happen to raise your voice be very quick to apologise and explain why you were wrong and then start again.
You can do this!
If you need some help to manage your anger, please reach out.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
There is something which positively influences obesity, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, some cancers, bone and joint diseases and is within our reach. REGULAR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
I am not a medic, but I know that exercise improves our overall wellbeing and quality of life. The benefits are far-reaching as physical activity has consistently been shown to be associated with improved physical health, life satisfaction, cognitive function and psychological wellbeing.
People who regularly exercise, when compared to those who don’t, show slower rates of age-related memory and cognitive decline. In my experience, we all want to stay mentally sharp and focused for as long as possible. Exercise helps strengthen our heart and improves its functioning. Not only do our lungs benefit from exercise, our bones do too. Physical activity can help reduce stress levels whilst improving self-esteem.
From what I know, to improve our heart health, we need about 2.5 hours every week, of moderate-intensity physical activity. If we can invest more time than 150 mins in a week, that’s fantastic! Moderate-intensity activity increases our heart-rate, gets our bodies sweaty and makes us breathe more quickly – which is also a great anxiety-buster.
To make healthy changes, we must rethink our busy schedules. It is not enough to say “I don’t have time”! Finding time might be difficult, however, ten minutes of non-stop walking three times a day is achievable.
Every minute you move is valuable. Small active changes include taking the stairs, walking around the house inside or outside, jumping on the spot, dancing, parking the car in a space farthest from the shop front-door or leaving the office to walk during coffee breaks.
If you never enjoyed walking, perhaps you might start by quickly walking away from your house for three minutes, turn around and quickly walk the three minutes home – any minute spent walking is better than no minute. Try to select an activity that is suitable for your fitness level right now, until it improves and who knows you might be running marathons this time next year!
Nature is therapeutic so whenever you can, spend time outdoors and take notice of your surroundings.
Regular weight-bearing exercise can:
Help prevent several chronic diseases and reduce the risk of premature death.
Improve mood and confidence.
Reduce feelings of anxiety and depression.
Build muscle and strengthen bones and help prevent osteoporosis.
Increase energy levels and keep us feeling energised throughout the day.
Improve brain function, protect memory and thinking skills.
Help with study.
Improve sleep.
Help with pain management.
Although it may feel counterintuitive, people with chronic fatigue syndrome benefit hugely from exercise.
There are many varied benefits of moving our bodies, and exercise is only one part of safeguarding our long-term health – diet, alcohol, stress, sleep, cigarettes can each take their toll on our bodies. This new year, GET MOVING!
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Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited
A new year, a new me! Really? I don’t know how many times we read and hear this phrase at the start of every new year. I even say it myself as I’m eating chocolates at breakfast time during the end of year holidays! The news is that we are all the same people whether it is January or July. We do not enter a new year suddenly transformed into a different more abstemious person. We might, however, set a goal for ourselves for the year ahead.
Try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change and become someone else although you might want to start exercising or shed a kilo or two or perhaps cut down on processed foods etc but do not make your happiness dependent on achieving something in the future. People often say that they will be happy when they reach a target weight or achieve a certain something like a promotion or a new house for example but I am doubtful that it’s an accurate prediction of contentment.
Now is the time to feel great about yourself. If you feel good right now, just imagine how amazing you will feel when you achieve your goals or attain your 2018 resolutions.
If you do not feel too great right now, try not to be too hard on yourself. January is a very tough month for many. Couples often stay together over Christmas knowing that the new year will bring a change to their relationship; being in debt can be stressful or knowing your credit card bill will be severe because of overspending on presents or on the sales; when family has returned to their homes and the house is quiet or not having family members to rely on can leave one person with several responsibilities and that too can feel exhausting.
Returning to work and facing back into our usual routine can also be difficult. Knowing that there is no routine of work can also be upsetting. However, January is not all doom and gloom. I would like to reassure you that if you are having a hard time in January that you are not alone. Several people are feeling like you do right now i.e. not super enthusiastic that it is the start of a new year! This is a common feeling and you are entitled to feel however you feel!
Try to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Telling someone how you feel, chatting about your worries and fears can help you gain perspective. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or to a healthcare professional.
What can lift our mood in January?
Start with small steps towards achieving your New Year’s goal. When you do something that you know to be good or beneficial, acknoweldge and celebrate your achievements, this will help you continue towards achieving your goal.
Cut down or avoid alcohol to help your system detox after the overindulgences of the holiday period.
Increase your intake of brightly coloured fresh fruit and veg.
Eat at regular intervals. We often go without food for hours and then gorge ourselves on whatever rubbish is to hand. Plan your meals in advance but pay attention that you are eating regularly.
Turn up the music. It transports us in time, makes us feel good and lifts our spirits.
Get out of the house and spend more time in nature. Resist the urge to stay wrapped up indoors and force yourself to get out . You will be thankful that you made the effort to leave the house.
Once it is okay to do so, why don’t you pick up the phone and ask someone to meet you for a coffee and a chat. If they say no then that’s perfectly okay but someone might say yes! Or suggest going for a walk and you have both exercise and a chat all rolled into one!
Movement is key to keeping our bodies healthy and dancing in the kitchen, taking the stars, jumping on the spot, all count as exercise – keep your body active.
Have your bloods checked (including vitamin levels) with your doctor to ensure that your body is in tip top condition. Visit the dentist and optician for check ups. Save up for these health screens if you must but having a clean bill of health is priceless and if there is something that requires attention, finding out in time is crucial to receiving the best care.
Good quality, uninterrupted sleep is vital for our mental and physical health. Working shifts, having small children or a baby will mean your sleep is interrupted so catch up with naps if necessary. Sleep can be rectified over time so seek help to ensure you are getting sufficient good quality uninterrupted shut-eye! See some further info here https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Having self-confidence to make mistakes or noticing our self-talk and challenging any negative dialogue are worthwhile new year goals. Not eating chocolate at breakfast time is a great goal because minding our bodies is our investment in our future selves.
For this new year perhaps set the goal to be kind to you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
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