Be Yourself

The Courage to Be Yourself: Living Life on Your Own Terms

 

As a psychotherapist, I often sit with people who feel torn between what they want and what others expect of them, between what they feel and what they think they “should” feel. Invisible rules, self-doubt, guilt or fear often burden them, yet underneath it all, there is usually a quiet question whispering: “Can I live my life as myself?”

Yes you can! And more than that, you deserve to. We spend so much time figuring out what we ought to do – the right thing, the thing other people want us to do – feeling like we ‘should’ do this or ‘have to’ do that.  At the end of the day, it’s our life, our choices and our consequences.

You Have One Life. And it’s Yours.

There is no dress rehearsal. No draft version. This is your one and only precious life. The more you try to shape yourself into someone who pleases everyone else at the expense of your wellbeing or what you want for yourself, the further you drift from being your true self. That disconnection from your values, needs and desires is often where anxiety, low mood and feeling very flat develop.

We are shaped by the families and cultures in which we grow up. We internalise what is “allowed, ” ” appropriate, ” ” successful,” or “encouraged” from a very early age. But part of being an adult and healing ourselves involves questioning our internalised messages.

It Takes Courage to Choose Yourself

Being yourself is not easy. Sometimes it means saying no when others expect yes. Sometimes it means risking disapproval from people very close to you. It might mean that you’re stepping away from relationships or roles that no longer fit. Choosing yourself, your wellbeing, your authenticity, your peace is not selfish – it is self-respect and self-love.

The courage to be yourself is not always loud or defiant. It is often quiet. It is the decision to rest when you feel guilty for slowing down. It is the moment you say “Actually, this doesn’t work for me anymore.” It is doing something different even when nobody notices but you’re prioritising what you need for you.

What Therapy Can Offer

Therapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about exploring who you are beneath the noise and giving yourself permission to be.  In therapy we look at the stories you have been told about who you are supposed to be. We examine the weight you are carrying and ask if it is really yours to continue to hold. Little by little we can build the confidence, boundaries and clarity which allow you to live more freely and fully – and to be you, yourself.

You Do Not Need to Justify the Life You Want

You do not owe anyone an explanation for doing what is right for you. Whether it is how you dress, who you love, the job you choose or the way you spend your free time – it is enough that it matters to you.  We are not here to be palatable, to perform or to shrink. We are here to be real. Whole. Human.

A Gentle Reminder

If you are feeling the pull to change something, to reclaim something, to finally let yourself be who you are – why not follow it?  You do not need permission

The life you want is not selfish or silly. It is sacred. It is yours.

Caroline Crotty – Psychotherapist
www.carolinecrotty.ie
hello@carolinecrotty.ie

Anxious Attachment

Anxious Attachment: Navigating Relationships (3)

 

Understanding how anxious attachment influences relationships is essential for fostering personal growth, emotional resilience and healthy connections. Anxious attachment, rooted in early childhood experiences, shapes how we approach intimacy, trust and communication. With insight and intentional effort, individuals can work toward more secure and fulfilling relationships.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is characterised by a deep fear of abandonment and an intense need for closeness and reassurance. This attachment style often develops in response to inconsistent caregiving during childhood. When care and affection are unpredictable, individuals may grow to expect rejection or inconsistency, fostering a heightened sensitivity to relational dynamics and a persistent need for validation.

Characteristics of Anxious Attachment

People with anxious attachment often exhibit emotional patterns such as a fear of being left or unloved, an intense craving for reassurance and hyper-vigilance regarding their partner’s actions and moods. They may struggle to regulate emotions, often feeling overwhelmed by jealousy, anxiety, or neediness. These tendencies, while challenging, stem from a deep capacity for emotional connection and the desire for intimacy.

How Anxious Attachment Affects Relationships

Anxious attachment can create cycles of seeking closeness while simultaneously fearing rejection. These patterns may lead to misunderstandings or strain in relationships, as the need for reassurance can be misinterpreted as clinginess. This dynamic can cause frustration or distance between partners. However, with understanding and clear communication, individuals with anxious attachment can foster meaningful and connected relationships.

Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Anxious Attachment

Addressing anxious attachment begins with self-awareness and a commitment to growth. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore past experiences, process emotions and identify attachment-related patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, help individuals manage emotional reactions and increase self-awareness. Building self-worth through affirmations and self-compassion reduces reliance on external validation and empowers individuals to feel more secure. Clear, open communication with partners fosters mutual understanding and trust, paving the way for a healthier relational dynamic.

The Path Towards Secure Relationships

Healing anxious attachment is possible with patience, self-compassion and intentional growth. By understanding its roots and challenges, individuals can create stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Therapy, mindfulness practices and supportive connections are valuable tools for transforming the fear of abandonment into a foundation of trust and emotional stability.

Why It Matters

Recognising and addressing anxious attachment can improve emotional regulation, strengthen relationships and build self-worth. As trust and intimacy deepen, individuals often experience reduced anxiety and increased confidence in their relational abilities. The journey toward secure attachment transforms both personal connections and overall emotional well-being.

Take the First Step Today

Anxious attachment offers both challenges and opportunities for growth. You can move toward a more secure attachment style by embracing self-awareness and fostering supportive relationships. If this resonates with you, explore our additional resources or contact us for professional guidance. Together, we can help you unlock the potential for balanced, meaningful relationships.

For more insights on attachment theory and emotional health, visit the blog at www.carolinecrotty.ie

Attachment Styles

Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Self-Discovery (2)

 

Google has made access to information astonishingly easy. While not all of the information is accurate or from reputable sources, it’s evident that we live in a world with knowledge at our fingertips – literally. In my experience, there’s recently been a surge of interest in attachment styles and how they shape romantic relationships. It’s tempting to trace everything back to our parents and assign blame for who we are today. However, at some point, we must take responsibility for our own growth, learning how to understand and manage our reactions.

Attachment styles are a cornerstone of psychology, offering valuable insights into how we connect and relate to others. Rooted in early childhood experiences with our caregivers, these patterns shape our adult relationships, influencing how we approach intimacy, handle conflict, and express our wants/needs/desires.

Understanding our attachment style can be a transformative step towards greater self-awareness and personal growth.

What Are Attachment Styles? 

Pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory identifies four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These styles are shaped by the responsiveness and consistency of caregiving in childhood. Click on the links to read more about the four attachment styles.

Anxious Attachment: Inconsistent caregiving can lead to this style, where adults crave closeness but fear rejection, often resulting in insecurity or over-dependence.

Avoidant Attachment: Emotionally distant caregiving may foster this style, where individuals value independence but struggle with vulnerability and trust.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Often linked to trauma or neglect, this style combines anxious and avoidant traits. Adults with this style may desire connection yet fear intimacy, creating a push-pull relationship dynamic.

Secure Attachment: This develops from reliable and loving caregiving. Adults with this style often trust easily, communicate openly and balance intimacy with independence.

Why Understanding Attachment Styles Matters

Our attachment style significantly shapes our emotions, behaviours and dynamics within our relationships. Recognising the influence of attachment can lead to profound changes in how we relate to others and ourselves.

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand how our past experiences influence our current relationships.

Improve Communication: Learn to identify and express our needs clearly and explicitly.

Develop Healthier Relationships: Address limiting behaviours and build trust.

Foster Personal Growth: Break cycles of insecurity or avoidance that hold us back.

Even small insights can make a difference to us and our relationships. For instance, understanding the spotlight effect, which is the tendency to overestimate how much others notice or judge our actions, can help alleviate insecurities tied to attachment anxiety. There’s a post about the spotlight effect here.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

The lovely news is that attachment styles are not fixed. We can move towards a secure attachment style with effort, intention, and the right tools. We are not cast in stone. It won’t happen overnight, but change is possible. Therapy is one of the most effective pathways for unpacking unresolved emotions and building healthier relational patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling, can enhance emotional regulation, helping to manage our responses in challenging situations. Building secure connections with supportive, trustworthy people can provide a model for healthier relationships. Regular self-reflection is also essential – examining our relational behaviours and beliefs allows us to identify what needs to change. However, insight alone isn’t enough; action is key. Awareness without effort is a missed opportunity for growth.

Practical Tips for Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Self-awareness and consistent effort can guide you toward healthier connections. Reflect on how your early experiences influenced your relationships today. Practice open and honest communication with loved ones, challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with balanced perspectives. Learn to set and respect boundaries, ensuring that your and others’ needs are harmonised. Seek professional guidance if unresolved trauma or recurring issues continue to affect your relationships.

Surround yourself with emotionally available and supportive individuals who model the connections you want to foster. Finally, prioritise self-care to maintain emotional stability—including activities like regular exercise, adequate sleep, or hobbies that bring you joy and peace.

No Labels, Just Awareness!

Understanding your attachment style is not about labelling yourself or labelling others. It’s about recognising patterns and taking actionable steps toward forming healthier connections. With awareness and intention, you can transform how you relate to others and, more importantly, how you relate to yourself.

Further Reading

For those keen to explore further into attachment styles, here are some resources to explore:

Each offers tools and insights for understanding attachment and fostering personal growth.

For more on related topics,  check out the blog post here.

Take the First Step Today

You may reflect on your attachment style and consider how it has shaped your current and past connections and relationships. Personal growth and introspection is a lifelong journey. Every little step towards self-knowledge counts as progress in life. By embracing your awareness of self, introspection and taking intentional actions, you can create (and improve) relationships so they are healthier, more fulfilling, and grounded in trust and connection.

 

www.carolinecrotty.ie

50 Lessons for 2025

50 Lessons for 2025

Whenever I hear the word “lesson,” it might bring to mind school homework but here, it takes on a different meaning. The lessons in this collection are about learning from the following suggestions and gaining new insights that can shape your perspective and behaviour.

This set of 50 lessons is designed to inspire growth, cultivate balance and help you thrive across all areas of life – personal development, health, relationships and financial wellbeing. Each reminder gently nudges you towards living with purpose and intention, offering practical steps to embrace change, nurture self-care and build meaningful connections. Let these lessons guide you to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life ahead.

 

Cultivate a Growth Mindset

  1. Prioritise progress over perfection.
  2. Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
  3. Celebrate little wins because they lead to more significant victories.
  4. Replace comparison with self-reflection and introspection.
  5. Set realistic and actionable goals.
  6. Invest in lifelong learning – read, undertake courses and be curious.
  7. Embrace discomfort – growth happens outside our comfort zone.
  8. Start every day with gratitude for at least one thing (but ideally three!).
  9. Failure is a stepping stone to something new – even success.
  10. Know your values and make decisions that align with them.

Protect Wellbeing

  1. Protect your peace and walk away from unnecessary conflict.
  2. Practice mindfulness through meditation, journaling or quiet moments.
  3. Seek therapy or professional support whenever needed.
  4. Avoid overthinking – most worries don’t come to pass.
  5. Take breaks; burnout helps no one.
  6. Learn to forgive yourself and others.
  7. Let go of toxic relationships that drain your energy.
  8. Spend time in nature – it’s therapeutic.
  9. Focus on whatever you can control; let go of whatever you cannot.
  10. Create a self-care routine and stick to it regardless.

Safeguard Relationships

  1. Surround yourself with people who are easy to be with and inspire you.
  2. Practice active listening in all conversations.
  3. Express gratitude to those you care about (tell them).
  4. Apologise whenever you are wrong; humility strengthens relationships.
  5. Set boundaries to protect your time and energy.
  6. Remember that it’s okay to outgrow people.
  7. Be the friend you wish to have.
  8. Share your time, not just material gifts, with loved ones.
  9. Avoid assumptions; ask questions instead.
  10. Acknowledge and celebrate others’ successes.

Improve Health and Fitness

  1. Move your body daily, even if it’s just a short, quick walk.
  2. Stay hydrated with water – it’s simple but transformative.
  3. Prioritise sleep; it’s foundational to good health.
  4. Eat for nourishment and nurturing, not convenience.
  5. Find a form of exercise you enjoy and do it!
  6. Limit screen time, particularly before bed.
  7. Undertake regular health check-ups.
  8. Pay attention to your body and rest when needed. Move as often as you can.
  9. Limit alcohol and processed foods.
  10. Make stretching or yoga a daily practice in 2025

Develop Financial Literacy

  1. Create a budget, then stick to it.
  2. Try to save a percentage of your income.
  3. Pay off high-interest debt as quickly as possible.
  4. Learn to distinguish between needs and wants.
  5. Invest in experiences, not stuff.
  6. Build an emergency fund for unexpected events.
  7. Avoid comparing your financial situation to others. (Avoid comparing your anything with anyone else’s).
  8. Become financially literate – teach yourself about personal finance and investing.
  9. Plan for long-term goals. Think about your retirement or a dream purchase.
  10. Donate and/or volunteer to causes that align with your values.

These reminders can guide you towards a healthier, happier and more purposeful year ahead.  Which resonates most with you? Which will you put into practice today?

Wishing you joy, love, please, health and great contentment this year.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Unlock Happiness and Find Calm

Unlock Happiness and Find Calm: Practical Tips to Transform Your Day

Happiness is often found in small, meaningful moments and when we combine that with mindfulness (i.e. being fully present in the here and now) well, then we’ve got the recipe for a more joyful, balanced life.

Here’s how you can make every day a little happier by being intentional:

Gratitude – Every day has something to celebrate, even if it’s as simple as a sunny morning or your first sip of coffee. Start a gratitude journal and jot down three things you’re thankful for each night. Watch as your mind shifts to focus on what’s going right in your life.

Connection – Happiness grows when shared. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while or invite someone for coffee. Building meaningful connections reminds you that you’re not alone in this big, beautiful world.

Spark Joy – What makes you feel alive? Whether it’s painting, playing music, hiking, or baking the perfect sourdough, carve out time for the things you love. Joy is contagious—especially when it starts with you.

Move – Focus on movement that elevates your mood. Dance in your kitchen, stroll in the park, or take a yoga class. Exercise isn’t just for your body, it’s a happiness boost for your brain.

Kindness – give to receive as the kindness come straight back! Pay for a stranger’s coffee, volunteer your time, or send an encouraging text. Helping others creates a ripple effect of positivity.

Mindfulness Made Easy: Be Present and Feel Peaceful

 

From the minute you wake, before checking your mobile phone, pause and set an intention for your day. Whether it’s “I’ll approach today with patience” or “I’ll find beauty in the ordinary,” this small intention can guide your mindset for the day that lies ahead.

Breathing slowly is a secret power. When life feels overwhelming, come back to your breath. Inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four then hold for four (this is called ‘box breathing). You’ll feel your stress melt away, one breath at a time.

Notice the Little Things
Ever paused to really listen to the sounds around you or sense the sun on your face? Try engaging your main senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) so you smell your tea, feel the lovely texture of your clothes, listen to the sound of your footsteps – all of this will bring you to living in the here and now.

Eat with Awareness
Instead of mindlessly munching, savour your food. Notice the flavours, textures and  all the aromas. Eating mindfully turns an everyday habit into an act of appreciation and joy.

Pay Attention

Think you’re saving time by juggling tasks? Think again. Give your full attention to one thing at a time, whether it’s a work project, a conversation, or even washing the dishes. It’s surprisingly freeing—and effective.

Blend Happiness and Mindfulness

 

Nature: Leave your phone at home or in the car and spend time in nature. Notice the rustling leaves, little chirping birds, or the way the sunlight breaks through the trees. Nature has a way of quieting your mind and lifting your spirit.

Meditate, Even if only for a few minutes. Use various social media apps like Calm or Headspace to help make mindfulness accessible even on your busiest days.

Journal: Spend a few minutes reflecting on your day—what brought you happiness, or what moment made you feel deeply connected to the present? Writing it down cements the experience and reminds you to look for more.

Happiness and mindfulness aren’t about perfection—they’re about showing up for yourself in small, meaningful ways. So take a deep breath, smile at the little victories, and remember: the life you want is built in the moments you create.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Feeling Worse After Therapy

Why You Might Feel Worse After Therapy And Why That’s Not a Bad Thing

Have you ever left a therapy session feeling worse than when it started? If so, you’re not alone and it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. In fact, this experience is more common than you might think. Therapy is about healing, insight and growth and it often stirs up difficult feelings and emotions along the way.

A young man recently shared with me that after our session, although he expected to feel better, instead, he felt worse. I was grateful for his honesty and his experience inspired this blog post. If you’ve ever felt the same, I hope what follows helps you understand why this happens and how to support yourself.

Therapy Can Stir Up Buried Emotions

Therapy often involves revisiting difficult past experiences – memories, relationships, or patterns we’ve learned to suppress. Bringing those emotions and feelings to the surface can be unsettling. You may leave a session feeling vulnerable, tearful or emotionally raw.

That discomfort isn’t a sign of failure – it’s a natural part of the healing process known as emotional processing. It means that work is happening.

Letting Go of Old Beliefs Can Feel Unsettling

Therapy can bring clarity about your relationships, coping patterns, or how your past is impacting your present. That insight is valuable, but it can be painful. Realising that something you hoped was fine is actually contributing to your distress can be hard but it’s often the first step towards meaningful change.

Therapy Shines a Light on Difficult Truths

Therapy can help you see things more clearly – about your relationships, coping patterns or how past experiences shaped your present. While this insight is valuable, it can also be painful. It’s not easy to realise that something you hoped was fine is actually contributing to your distress.  That clarity, though difficult, is often the first step towards change.

Therapy Happens Between Sessions

Therapy doesn’t stop when the appointment/session ends. In fact, I think the real work starts then!  You may be encouraged to reflect, to write in your therapy journal, or to test-drive a new behaviour. That requires emotional energy and that’s challenging especially when you’re already juggling daily responsibilities.  Feeling tired or emotionally stretched between sessions is understandable.

Sometimes We Feel Worse Before We Feel Better

It’s not unusual for anxiety, sadness or tension to intensify at the start of therapy. That doesn’t mean it’s not working and it often means you’re becoming more emotionally aware, which is essential for healing.

Progress Takes Time

We live in a world that favours quick fixes, but therapy isn’t instant. Meaningful change rarely happens in one session. It’s okay to feel frustrated but showing up is progress. Growth is usually slow and steady.

Your Defence Mechanisms May Be Shifting

We all use coping strategies like minimising, avoiding, or intellectualising to protect ourselves from pain. In therapy, those defences can begin to soften. That might feel unfamiliar or even frightening. But loosening those patterns makes space for new ways of being.

How to Support Yourself Between Sessions

Be Honest With Your Therapist

If you’re feeling worse after a session, let your therapist know. It helps them understand your experience and tailor the work to your needs. Sometimes clients appear upbeat during sessions but feel flat afterwards – naming that is important. Therapists are not mind-readers!

Practise Self-Compassion

Feeling unsettled doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Growth takes time. Be gentle with yourself. The work you’re doing matters.

Set Realistic Expectations

Therapy isn’t a straight line. Some sessions will feel productive, others might not. And some topics may be revisited more than once and that’s okay.

Lean on Your Support Network

If you have a trusted friend, family member or support group, talk to them. Feeling heard outside of therapy can help you feel more grounded and less alone.

Look After Your Basic Needs

Prioritise sleep, nutrition, hydration and movement. These simple, everyday actions can help regulate your nervous system and build resilience.

Check the Therapeutic Fit

If you consistently feel worse with no progress over time, it might be worth reviewing whether the therapist or approach is the right fit. A good therapist will welcome that conversation.

Reach Out if You’re Struggling

If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe between sessions, reach out to your GP, a crisis line or a mental health professional. You don’t have to cope alone.

A Final Word

Feeling worse after therapy doesn’t mean something’s gone wrong – it often means something important is shifting. Therapy calls for honesty and emotional bravery. That can bring big feelings to the surface but by naming them and supporting yourself, you’re doing the work of real healing.

Every step counts. Even when it’s hard, you’re moving forward.

Be proud of yourself. And please be kind to yourself.

Caroline Crotty – Psychotherapist
www.carolinecrotty.ie
hello@carolinecrotty.ie

Caroline Crotty
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