Relationship Breakups

We enter romantic relationships giving our trust and our hearts to another with the hope that neither will be broken. The reality is that most of us know what relationship breakups are like and how it feels to have our hearts broken or at least scarred or dented!

People of every age attend counselling and psychotherapy following the end of a relationship. Any relationship ending, regardless of its length, can leave us reeling. If you are experiencing loss following a relationship breakup, here are some pointers that might help:

Firstly, allow yourself to feel however you feel. When grieving the loss of a relationship and the loss of future plans, it helps to identify emotions rather than block them. There’s nothing wrong with crying (although it’s awkward at work or in the supermarket)! Be reassured that the intensity of the emotion lessens over time. Initially, we might go through a vast array of reactions including shock or disbelief, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, jealousy, regret, swearing off any future relationships etc and although we think we are stuck in our sadness for ever, our feelings change.

Sometimes the overwhelming sense of loss follows a period of numbness or vice versa and both reactions are equally human! There is no single, linear response to loss or grief. Our reactions are as individual as we are so there’s no right or wrong way to experience grief or loss so we go through it and we recover bringing our new learning to the next relationship.

Because we may not have been the person to end the relationship, we may feel rejected and get stuck on questions such as ‘What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me?’ and if our ex is in a new relationship ‘What does his new partner have that I don’t have?’ This is typical but unhelpful. Try to manage thinking and thoughts so that mentally you don’t enter a wormhole of rejection. We rarely think, ‘what’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to be with me’ which might be more useful!

Be supported by others. Talking about the loss is helpful regardless of how private you are. Share thoughts and feelings in confidence with a trustworthy friend or with a therapist. G.P.s have contact details of local counsellors or psychotherapists and www.mymind.org provides a sliding scale of fees throughout Ireland.

Although we might not feel like meeting people, stay in friendly contact. We might find ourselves in a position where our friendship group changed as a result of the relationship loss, so try to say ‘yes’ to social invites because spending time in the company of others is beneficial. It takes our minds off ourselves even for a little while. Be with people who are easy to be with and who value your company. If it seems like committing to social engagements is simply too much of a struggle or output of energy, then perhaps take time out to heal and decline invitations, however, put a time-limit on the social break so it doesn’t extend indefinitely and become social isolation.

Invest in a journal and start writing! Use the journal as a positivity notebook – despite the presence of dark emotional clouds, writing something positive every day or writing a positive word can be helpful. Reminiscing on past achievements or issues that you’ve previously overcome can feel pleasant in the present. If journaling about your feelings is helpful, then go for it! Write what you have learned from your relationship so you can improve future relationships.

Examine what might have been done differently, but not in a self-loathing way, more from a learning perspective – what’s the lesson to be learned from this hurt and heartache?

Communication is difficult and we may feel like we were never heard or listened to by our former partner. Rather than carry negativity, blame and resentment towards the other person, remind yourself that you tried your best and the intention was never that anyone would be hurt.

Concentrate on how you can best look after yourself now and into the future. Make a plan of action (in your new journal) or start a new routine for meeting the basic needs of diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation, social interaction etc. Write a daily or weekly schedule, regardless of how simple, because it can help to provide a sense of purpose and achievement when completed. Include self-care as part of the routine whether it is to walk in a forest or play music you love (or both at the same time!), making time to care for yourself is important for healing and recovery.

Exercise is critical to your recovery – it helps utilise stress hormones that can cause physical symptoms e.g. aches and pains, an upset tummy or digestive issues.

Avoid unhelpful and unhealthy choices following a relationship breakup such as using illicit drugs or relying on alcohol to cope or overeating, self-harm, over-working or excessive gambling. Constantly distracting yourself from the reality of your life and the loss may work for a little while but not indefinitely. Instead, pay attention to what you need to soothe yourself and consciously encourage yourself.

Try not to keep false hope that they’ll come back and all will be well once ‘they see sense’. Life is too short to wait for someone to return following a relationship breakup. Respect their decision and choice to end the relationship. Do you want to be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, or who doubts the future success of your relationship? If the answer to this question is ‘no’, then allow them to leave. Sometimes when hurt, it can be helpful to set a time-limit or deadline after-which it is important to acknowledge that the relationship is over, when acceptance becomes the priority (not revenge or ill-will, but acceptance).

Spending time on our own with our thoughts is growthful. Being independent and being able to identify and meet our own wants and needs will benefit all future relationships.

Although it might feel very daunting initially, there is life, love and happiness after relationship breakups.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Empty Nest

Empty Nest Syndrome

This is the time of year when people mention having an “empty nest”, often because a child has recently left home to attend college or pursue a career. We hear of “empty nest syndrome” and although a topic of psychological research, it is not a medical condition per se. However, the menopause often ties-in with the same timeframe as children leaving home which, as we know, brings with it both physical and emotional side-effects and a time of self-reflection.

When examining the idea of an “empty nest”, there are several factors involved. Worrying about our children when they are away from home can cause us stress and anxiety. The role of work outside the home is a factor that may be connected to the intensity of the “empty nest” feeling. If we are distracted by work outside the home it can help keep us occupied. Increased life-expectancy coupled with children leaving home younger means the period of life spent on our own as aging adults has increased. While caring for our elderly parents and also providing care for our children we might feel like all we do is run and race with little ‘me time’ and then, with this newfound time on our hands, it may seem strange and alien.

When one-by-one children start leaving home, parents react differently. I often hear the words “useless”, “deflated”, “on the scrapheap” “no sense of purpose” mentioned. Parents go through many struggles at different stages throughout childrearing years, and the last child starting primary school can also be an emotional time for many.

Bear in mind parents who are waiting (or hoping) for adult children to ‘fly the nest’ but due to financial or housing demands (and a host of other reasons), do not leave home as expected or perhaps return home having been away. This can leave parents with the sense that “this wasn’t how my life was supposed to be”. There are various reasons why we may feel, at a certain stage, that our lives are not what we planned and the hopes and dreams we once had for our futures have not been realised.

Do not despair and certainly do not let go of your aspirations. You have a new life and the focus is now on you.

It can be easy to fall into the trap of dwelling on the negative and feel guilty about the things that you did not do with your children before they left home. Turn that thinking around and remind yourself that you have done your best as a parent and your children have left home to pursue their ambitions. This is the natural circle of life and a job well done.

What helps? Talking to someone you trust about how you feel is always beneficial because it helps you acknowledge your emotions and gives you focus on positive change.

Try to reframe what is going on and see the advantages of having the house to yourself e.g. it is a time of privacy in which you can rekindle your relationship with your partner and pursue your dreams and goals.

Although it is initially challenging, be as social as possible. Meeting people is a good way to stay occupied and feel happier. Exercise is physically and emotionally beneficial. Take up a class whether it’s water aerobics or a walking group, keep moving, ideally with others. Start a dinner or book club with the sole purpose that you are there to chat (this is not a competition to see who can cook the best dinner or have the most to say about a book!

When something happens in your body your brain tries to make sense of it. If your face is smiling, a big wide smile that gives you wrinkles around the corners of your eyes, your brain reads this as “I’m smiling therefore I must be happy” and you will feel happier. The reverse is true if you are frowning so don’t forget to smile!

We all need sufficient, good quality sleep to feel good about ourselves and to think clearly. To improve our sleep ensure you get daily sunlight, avoid caffeine and alcohol, keep bedrooms tidy and cool, avoid screens at night-time including phone, tv, p.c., increase exercise and time in nature. Set and stick to the same bedtime routine. See https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/

Music affects your brain in a range of ways – it can give us chills, cause a variety of emotions, make us want to dance, transport us back in time and help us relax. Play your favourite music and play it often. Now is your chance to fill your house with whatever music you fancy.

Set achievable goals and stick to them. You will feel happier because it gives you focus and achieving them gives you momentum to carry you forward.

Keep in regular contact with your child(ren). Try not to pester them and do not make your concerns their worries. Instead, suggest that Sundays are a good day to chat and remind them that sending the odd sms even if it is just a smiley face emoji will let you know they are okay.

Congratulate yourself on a job well done. The rest of your life is ahead of you – may it be filled with joy, love, peace, health and happiness.