We might not give much thought to boundaries when life is going well or when we feel content. It can be helpful to consider having healthy boundaries and give consideration to what is/is not acceptable to us. Perhaps our boundaries need to be updated so we know what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with at this point in our lives.
Some boundaries might seem obvious. If someone were to ask: “Is it okay for someone to go through my wallet without my knowledge?”
If it is while I am in another room, behind my back, without my permission, then I’m sure we would answer, “no”. Whereas, if it were to check for our i.d. if our wallet is lost and found, then of course searching through our property would be okay!
Another example of a boundary is our sense of personal space which differs depending on the person we’re with. Think of someone we don’t know who stands super close while speaking with us or someone who wants to hug us when we don’t want to hug them!
I may consider certain boundaries vital, while someone else may never have thought about them. I might constantly work late, while someone with a clear boundary about family time will always leave the office on time. We all have different boundaries and that is okay!
What are boundaries?
They are guidelines or rules that we set for ourselves about what’s acceptable and safe for us. Boundaries help us make healthy choices in relationships with ourselves and with others.
Healthy boundaries help us to stick with what makes us feel comfortable and less likely to engage in activities about which we might later feel uncomfortable.
When we set healthy boundaries we:
– make decisions about what we want for ourselves
– can say ‘no’ without fearing rejection
– are okay when others say ‘no’
– allow ourselves to be open with others whom we know and trust
– recognise what we need to take care of ourselves
– understand that our boundaries differ from others
– ask for help when needed
– have a clear sense of identity
– set limits for ourselves/others
– are firm rather than rigid
– recognise we are responsible for ourselves
Relationship boundaries vary and what might be a dealbreaker for one person might not be an issue for another. Examining whether your boundaries align with your partner and those of your friends is helpful. It allows you to understand others and meet them where they are at and it also means that you know what you will/not accept from others. To me, boundaries are also about respecting ourselves and those we care about.
To examine boundaries, take stock of your values and what is important to you in life. Understand why healthy boundaries are important and why your boundaries are your responsibility. When we are unclear about our values and what is important to us in life, we may be tempted to go with the flow too often or people-please.
You have choices and control over your actions. Keep in mind that in relationships, guilt-tripping or silent treatment are unhealthy and unacceptable. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions, and it is not selfish to set healthy boundaries. In the same way, we must respect when others put boundaries in place for themselves too.
“In order to thrive and be successful, you have to be able to set boundaries” Oprah.
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