The Courage to Be Yourself: Living Life on Your Own Terms
As a psychotherapist, I often sit with people who feel torn between what they want and what others expect of them, between what they feel and what they think they “should” feel. Invisible rules, self-doubt, guilt or fear often burden them, yet underneath it all, there is usually a quiet question whispering: “Can I live my life as myself?”
Yes you can! And more than that, you deserve to. We spend so much time figuring out what we ought to do – the right thing, the thing other people want us to do – feeling like we ‘should’ do this or ‘have to’ do that. At the end of the day, it’s our life, our choices and our consequences.
You Have One Life. And it’s Yours.
There is no dress rehearsal. No draft version. This is your one and only precious life. The more you try to shape yourself into someone who pleases everyone else at the expense of your wellbeing or what you want for yourself, the further you drift from being your true self. That disconnection from your values, needs and desires is often where anxiety, low mood and feeling very flat develop.
We are shaped by the families and cultures in which we grow up. We internalise what is “allowed, ” ” appropriate, ” ” successful,” or “encouraged” from a very early age. But part of being an adult and healing ourselves involves questioning our internalised messages.
Who are you beneath the roles you perform?
What matters to you? (Not what should matter, but what actually matters?)
What do you need – not to function but to flourish?
It Takes Courage to Choose Yourself
Being yourself is not easy. Sometimes it means saying no when others expect yes. Sometimes it means risking disapproval from people very close to you. It might mean that you’re stepping away from relationships or roles that no longer fit. Choosing yourself, your wellbeing, your authenticity, your peace is not selfish – it is self-respect and self-love.
The courage to be yourself is not always loud or defiant. It is often quiet. It is the decision to rest when you feel guilty for slowing down. It is the moment you say “Actually, this doesn’t work for me anymore.” It is doing something different even when nobody notices but you’re prioritising what you need for you.
What Therapy Can Offer
Therapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about exploring who you are beneath the noise and giving yourself permission to be. In therapy we look at the stories you have been told about who you are supposed to be. We examine the weight you are carrying and ask if it is really yours to continue to hold. Little by little we can build the confidence, boundaries and clarity which allow you to live more freely and fully – and to be you, yourself.
You Do Not Need to Justify the Life You Want
You do not owe anyone an explanation for doing what is right for you. Whether it is how you dress, who you love, the job you choose or the way you spend your free time – it is enough that it matters to you. We are not here to be palatable, to perform or to shrink. We are here to be real. Whole. Human.
A Gentle Reminder
If you are feeling the pull to change something, to reclaim something, to finally let yourself be who you are – why not follow it? You do not need permission
The life you want is not selfish or silly. It is sacred. It is yours.
Rethinking the Phrase ‘Toxic Masculinity’: A Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Supporting Men and Boys
As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
Language Matters
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The Real Issue: Limiting Gender Expectations
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
Unhelpful social expectations around masculinity
Learned behaviours that no longer serve
The value of emotional expression and relational connection
The importance of reimagining what strength and courage look like
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass. We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
The Missing Rite of Passage
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
What Men Need
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
A Better Conversation
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
What Are We Teaching Our Children?
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Speaking Engagements Caroline Crotty
Speaking Engagements with Caroline Crotty
Informed. Uplifting. Practical. Psychology that people can use.
Looking for a speaker who can inspire and connect without clichés or corporate fluff? Caroline Crotty is a psychotherapist and public speaker based in Cork, offering talks that blend professional expertise with warmth, humour and realism. Whether speaking in a boardroom, at a staff wellbeing day or on stage at a festival, Caroline delivers practical mental health and wellbeing strategies that people actually use.
What Caroline Talks About
Caroline speaks on a range of topics related to mental health, emotional wellbeing and everyday resilience. All talks are rooted in psychological insight, delivered in clear, plain language and tailored for real-life relevance.
Popular topics include:
What Is Wellbeing, Really?
Cutting through buzzwords to define and explore practical wellbeing for real lives.
How to Be Happy (Or At Least Content)
Understanding mood, mindset and how we can create contentment through small consistent changes.
Freedom of Mind: Quieting Thoughts in a Noisy World
Simple strategies for managing rumination, overthinking and inner critics.
Understanding Anxiety – It’s Not Always Bad
What anxiety really is, why it exists and how to work with it instead of fearing it.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else
Exploring self-worth, social media and why we’re never as far behind as we think
The Art of Communication
Learn practical communication strategies to support clarity, connection and collaboration in the workplace and beyond.
Leadership and Emotional Intelligence
Understanding how to lead with empathy, self-awareness and psychological safety.
How to Build a Winning Team Culture
Explore the psychology of team dynamics, motivation and what makes people feel valued and willing to contribute.
Custom talks can be created for your team or event based on your themes or priorities.
Who It’s For
Caroline regularly speaks at:
Workplace wellbeing iniatives &HR-led events
National and local conferences and festivals
Schools and universities to staff and students
Online webinars and mental health panels
Community health and wellness initiatives
What to Expect
Talks range from 30 to 60 minutes
Delivered in-person (based in Cork, available nationwide) or online via Zoom
Engaging, evidence-informed and adapted to the audience
Caroline works closely with organisers to make sure the message fits your culture and context
Why Book Caroline?
Caroline brings something different:
A background in psychotherapy, property and law
A deep understanding of corporate pressure, family life and mental overload
A relatable approach that makes people feel seen
No jargon, no judgement — just insights that help people live and work with more ease
Book a Talk or Make an Enquiry
To book Caroline for a talk, workshop or panel, please get in touch below. You can also request a call to discuss your needs.
Based in Cork. Available for bookings across Ireland and online.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a structured, evidence-based psychological treatment that has been shown to help with a wide range of difficulties, including depression, anxiety, stress, low self-esteem and relationship challenges.
Originally developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Dr Aaron T. Beck, CBT supports people in building practical skills to manage distressing thoughts, behaviours and emotions. Rather than focusing on short-term relief alone, CBT promotes long-term improvements in wellbeing. Over the years, contributions from clinicians such as Dr Judith Beck have helped refine and expand the approach globally.
At the heart of CBT is the understanding that our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and behaviours are interconnected. By identifying and changing unhelpful patterns, people can experience meaningful and lasting improvements in mental health and overall quality of life.
How CBT Can Help
CBT can support a wide range of everyday difficulties, including:
Low mood or lack of motivation You might feel flat, stuck or just not like yourself. CBT helps you notice unhelpful thinking patterns and gently shift them, while reconnecting with things that bring energy and meaning.
Overthinking and worry If your mind feels constantly busy or you’re always anticipating the worst, CBT offers tools to calm that mental noise and reduce overwhelm.
Stress and burnout Whether it’s work, family or life in general, CBT helps build healthier coping strategies, establish boundaries and restore a sense of control.
Confidence and self-esteem If you’re your own worst critic, CBT can help you challenge harsh self-judgements and build a more compassionate, balanced self-view.
Relationship or communication difficulties CBT can support you in recognising patterns, managing emotional triggers, and communicating more clearly in your personal or professional life.
General anxiety or unease Sometimes anxiety appears without a clear cause. CBT offers tools to manage physical symptoms and develop a greater sense of calm and stability.
What to Expect from CBT
CBT is always tailored to an individual’s specific needs and goals. Treatment typically lasts between 6 and 26 sessions, depending on the nature and severity of the issue. Sessions are structured, collaborative and goal-focused, with regular progress reviews. A key aim is to equip you with lifelong tools to manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviours beyond therapy.
While Cognitive Behavioural Therapy forms a strong foundation of my approach, I am not a strict CBT therapist. I also integrate elements of talking therapy to offer a warm, relational space that suits each person’s unique needs and preferences.
Appointments and Fees
As of January 2025, I offer both in-person and online CBT sessions. Each 50-minute appointment is €80.00
aking the First Step
If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed or stuck in low mood, CBT offers evidence-based support and practical tools to help you regain your balance. Taking that first step can feel daunting but it’s often the most important one toward building a more fulfilling life.
If you’d like to book an initial consultation or ask a question, please feel free to get in touch. I offer counselling and psychotherapy in Cork city and online and I’d be happy to hear from you.
As many know, I work with adolescents and adults, offering in-person and online therapy (I prefer to work online only with adults). My work fills me with a profound sense of purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy instead of the Sunday night dread many describe. I’ll always be indebted to my friend JQ, who encouraged me to pursue the counselling and psychotherapy course that led me here.
My work is a privilege. Each day, I am invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths, and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life – or an expert in any sense. I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask reasoned questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. In truth, I learn as much from my clients as they (hopefully) learn from me. Each session offers new insights – sometimes factual, other times fascinating.
Family Dynamics and Their Impact
Family dynamics frequently emerge as a central theme in therapy. Many of my clients have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. Others grapple with strained or unconventional family relationships that profoundly shape their emotional responses and worldviews. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold immense potential for healing and growth. When repairing family ties isn’t possible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can provide the same sense of support and connection.
A Growing Interest in Attachment Styles
Recently, many of my clients have shown a keen interest in attachment styles. They’ve explored online resources to better understand their relationships and how childhood experiences have shaped their approaches to intimacy, trust and conflict. Some feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away, a dynamic that can leave them feeling confused and frustrated, which is why they end up in a room with me – to try to make sense of it all.
Relationships, while deeply rewarding, can be complex and sometimes overwhelming. For individuals who haven’t experienced consistent love or reassurance during childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can feel daunting. There are various attachment types. This is not a new discovery and has been exmined by John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s theories with the “Strange Situation” experiments conducted in the 1970s. Mary Main and others in the 1980s further refined attachment theory by introducing disorganised attachment, expanding its application to include adult attachment and the intergenerational transmission of attachment styles. So, there is much to know. It’s not exactly new, but as humans, we like to know the ‘why’!
I’ve written about four attachment styles in general here. This is where therapy provides a safe and objective space to explore these patterns, improve communication, and work toward meaningful change.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding our relational patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness, and balanced interdependence.
Secure attachment is formed in early childhood through consistent, emotionally available caregiving. When caregivers respond reliably to a child’s needs, provide comfort, and encourage exploration, the child develops a sense of safety and trust. This foundation fosters emotional regulation, resilience and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships later in life. Secure attachment emerges from predictable, supportive interactions that teach the child they are valued and their needs will be met. Individuals with secure attachment thrive in relationships while maintaining independence. They regulate emotions effectively, sustain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many aspire to cultivate this style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect, where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal conflict about seeking connection. Without consistent emotional safety, the child grows up with patterns of fear, mistrust, and push-pull dynamics in relationships.
In adulthood, this attachment style is paradoxical. People crave intimacy but simultaneously fear and distrust it, creating cycles of closeness and withdrawal: “I need you… Now you’re too much… I need space… Wait, I want you again.” These cycles make it challenging to establish stability and trust in relationships.
Anxious attachment often begins in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A child may experience love and attention at times but be ignored or dismissed at other times. This unpredictability fosters insecurity, making the child hyperaware of relationships and deeply fearful of abandonment – a pattern that often persists into adulthood.
Adults with anxious attachment frequently fear rejection and seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with self-worth and rely on their partners for validation, often becoming preoccupied with their partner’s emotions or behaviours. This hypervigilance can create cycles of insecurity and strain in relationships, even though their deep capacity for connection is a strength.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. Children suppress their emotions and build self-reliance to protect themselves from rejection or unmet needs. This pattern often translates into an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. Adults with avoidant attachment strongly emphasise independence, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. While they may desire connection, their fear of dependence or being hurt leads them to create emotional distance. This self-protective behaviour can leave partners feeling neglected or unloved, even when care exists.
The Path to Change
While attachment styles often originate in childhood, they are not fixed. Individuals can move toward a secure attachment style with awareness, effort, and support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore and challenge these patterns, helping people navigate relationships with greater confidence and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Mental Health Challenges
Mental Health Challenges
We all have a limit. In my experience, we can be pushed to that limit emotionally when life’s challenges start to pile up (rather like bricks in Jenga) when issues or challenges pile up, one on top of the other.
Life is messy, cruel and unfair. Terrible things happen to lovely people, but when we don’t tackle our problems as they arrive and if we keep them secret, it can lead to feeling worse in the long run. Try talking about whatever is on your mind with someone you trust in confidence. When we prioritise our mental health all the time, then we potentially avert challenges in the long run.
Ensuring that we safeguard our mental health is as important as looking after our physical health. Whether we are dealing with stress, anxiety, depression or feeling tired and flat emotionally, there are strategies we can use to improve how we feel.
Some evidence-based approaches to help cope with difficult times are:
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of focusing your attention on the present moment without judgment. It can help reduce stress and anxiety by increasing self-awareness and improving emotional regulation. Research has shown that mindfulness-based interventions can effectively treat a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders (see Kabat-Zinn). I’m not sure we can ever silence our minds completely but we can give ourselves a focus like listening to the sounds around us, watching birds in the sky, noticing our breath and breathing and when a thought pops into our minds we can return our focus to our breath for example and how it feels as it enters our bodies. That’s a good starting point for developing mindfulness. we might take a mindful walk and admire the trees or colours around us and be mindful of what we are eating and how our food tastes. Some people find mindfulness in music – do whatever works best for you.
Regular Exercise: Exercise is not just good for physical health but it’s imperative for our mental health. Regular physical activity has been linked to improved mood, reduced stress and anxiety, and increased self-esteem. Studies have found that exercise can be an effective treatment for depression and can help prevent its recurrence
Sufficient Sleep: Sleep is essential for both physical and mental health. Lack of sleep can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and depression and increase stress levels. It is recommended that adults get 7-8 hours of sleep per night to maintain optimal health and well-being.
Eat a Balanced Diet: What you eat can impact your mental health. A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins can reduce the risk of depression and anxiety. Eat brightly coloured fruits and veg, nuts and all the things we know are healthy for us.
Connect with Others: Social connections are important for mental health and well-being. People who have strong social support systems are better able to cope with stress and are less likely to experience depression and anxiety (including in adolescence). Make time to connect with family and friends, and consider joining a support group or seeking professional counselling or psychotherapy if needed.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Negative thoughts and negative self-talk can contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that can help people identify and challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs and replace them with more positive or compassionate thoughts. CBT has been found to be effective in treating a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders.
Practice Self-Care: Taking time for yourself and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation can help reduce stress and improve mental health. Examples of self-care activities include taking a bath, making time to exercise, reading a book, or practicing yoga.
In conclusion, there are many evidence-based strategies that can help improve mental health and well-being. Practicing mindfulness, exercise regularly, getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, connecting with others, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing self-care are effective ways to cope with stress, anxiety, or depression and to improve your mood generally. If you are struggling with mental health issues, it is important to seek professional help from a qualified mental health professional.
Help is at hand – here are some mental health supports (27.02.2024)
Why You Might Feel Worse After Therapy And Why That’s Not a Bad Thing
Have you ever left a therapy session feeling worse than when it started? If so, you’re not alone and it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. In fact, this experience is more common than you might think. Therapy is about healing, insight and growth and it often stirs up difficult feelings and emotions along the way.
A young man recently shared with me that after our session, although he expected to feel better, instead, he felt worse. I was grateful for his honesty and his experience inspired this blog post. If you’ve ever felt the same, I hope what follows helps you understand why this happens and how to support yourself.
Therapy Can Stir Up Buried Emotions
Therapy often involves revisiting difficult past experiences – memories, relationships, or patterns we’ve learned to suppress. Bringing those emotions and feelings to the surface can be unsettling. You may leave a session feeling vulnerable, tearful or emotionally raw.
That discomfort isn’t a sign of failure – it’s a natural part of the healing process known as emotional processing. It means that work is happening.
Letting Go of Old Beliefs Can Feel Unsettling
Therapy can bring clarity about your relationships, coping patterns, or how your past is impacting your present. That insight is valuable, but it can be painful. Realising that something you hoped was fine is actually contributing to your distress can be hard but it’s often the first step towards meaningful change.
Therapy Shines a Light on Difficult Truths
Therapy can help you see things more clearly – about your relationships, coping patterns or how past experiences shaped your present. While this insight is valuable, it can also be painful. It’s not easy to realise that something you hoped was fine is actually contributing to your distress. That clarity, though difficult, is often the first step towards change.
Therapy Happens Between Sessions
Therapy doesn’t stop when the appointment/session ends. In fact, I think the real work starts then! You may be encouraged to reflect, to write in your therapy journal, or to test-drive a new behaviour. That requires emotional energy and that’s challenging especially when you’re already juggling daily responsibilities. Feeling tired or emotionally stretched between sessions is understandable.
Sometimes We Feel Worse Before We Feel Better
It’s not unusual for anxiety, sadness or tension to intensify at the start of therapy. That doesn’t mean it’s not working and it often means you’re becoming more emotionally aware, which is essential for healing.
Progress Takes Time
We live in a world that favours quick fixes, but therapy isn’t instant. Meaningful change rarely happens in one session. It’s okay to feel frustrated but showing up is progress. Growth is usually slow and steady.
Your Defence Mechanisms May Be Shifting
We all use coping strategies like minimising, avoiding, or intellectualising to protect ourselves from pain. In therapy, those defences can begin to soften. That might feel unfamiliar or even frightening. But loosening those patterns makes space for new ways of being.
How to Support Yourself Between Sessions
Be Honest With Your Therapist
If you’re feeling worse after a session, let your therapist know. It helps them understand your experience and tailor the work to your needs. Sometimes clients appear upbeat during sessions but feel flat afterwards – naming that is important. Therapists are not mind-readers!
Practise Self-Compassion
Feeling unsettled doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Growth takes time. Be gentle with yourself. The work you’re doing matters.
Set Realistic Expectations
Therapy isn’t a straight line. Some sessions will feel productive, others might not. And some topics may be revisited more than once and that’s okay.
Lean on Your Support Network
If you have a trusted friend, family member or support group, talk to them. Feeling heard outside of therapy can help you feel more grounded and less alone.
Look After Your Basic Needs
Prioritise sleep, nutrition, hydration and movement. These simple, everyday actions can help regulate your nervous system and build resilience.
Check the Therapeutic Fit
If you consistently feel worse with no progress over time, it might be worth reviewing whether the therapist or approach is the right fit. A good therapist will welcome that conversation.
Reach Out if You’re Struggling
If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe between sessions, reach out to your GP, a crisis line or a mental health professional. You don’t have to cope alone.
A Final Word
Feeling worse after therapy doesn’t mean something’s gone wrong – it often means something important is shifting. Therapy calls for honesty and emotional bravery. That can bring big feelings to the surface but by naming them and supporting yourself, you’re doing the work of real healing.
Every step counts. Even when it’s hard, you’re moving forward.
Be proud of yourself. And please be kind to yourself.
Based in the heart of Cork city, I offer both online psychotherapy and in-person (or face-to-face) appointments. Combining both approaches provides benefits for people seeking mental health support.
Here are some benefits of combining online psychotherapy and in-person appointments:
Increased flexibility: Online psychotherapy or counselling appointments can be attended from the comfort of home or wherever there is internet access. This is particularly helpful when people have busy schedules, mobility issues, or live in remote areas. On the other hand, in-person sessions offer the benefit of face-to-face interaction, sitting in the same room as the therapist and for some that can feel more personal.
Improved accessibility: Online psychotherapy sessions can be accessed from anywhere worldwide, which is especially helpful for people living in areas without mental health services. In-person appointments, on the other hand, can offer the opportunity to build a close rapport with the therapist and can be especially helpful for people who favour face-to-face communication.
Enhanced privacy: Online therapy sessions can provide an added layer of privacy and confidentiality for anyone who may feel uncomfortable with face-to-face interactions or feel self-conscious attending a clinic for counselling or psychotherapy. In-person sessions provide a private and confidential environment, free from the distractions of the home environment where a housemate or family member may overhear.
Customised treatment plans: Combining online and in-person counselling can allow for a customised treatment plan, tailored to suit individual needs e.g. weekly online sessions with a monthly in-person session, or vice versa.
Increased continuity of care: By combining online and in-person appointments, people have a consistent level of care, even when travelling for work or following a move to a new location. Having online appointments available wherever you are, provides peace of mind and reduces the stress of seeking new mental health services or trying to locate a new therapist.
In summary, combining online and in-person counselling and psychotherapy can be beneficial. The flexibility that online sessions provide suits some whilst the personal contact provided by face to face appointments suits others.
If you’re interested in learning more about Caroline Crotty’s online or in-person therapy services in Cork city, please don’t hesitate to make contact.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Online Therapy
Post-Pandemic Online Therapy
Chatting with people, I know there is a sense that the pandemic is history, but for others, Covid-19 feels like it is still lurking, like a snake in the grass!
However, one of the distinct benefits of having had a strange couple of years is online therapy and teletherapy. Since March 2020, I have adapted my practice to deliver a blended service, and now psychotherapy, counselling, EMDR, and CBT are successfully provided online (and in-person).
Historically, I thought in-person or face to face appointments were the only way I would deliver therapy. I was wrong! Online therapy and teletherapy allow me to work with people globally. I have clients on other continents, which, before Covid-19, I would not have considered possible. I undertook training in 2020 to ensure best practice and have never looked back. Online therapy has its advantages and from research, we know it is effective.
Online therapy ensures that distance is no barrier to staying with the same therapist following emigration. When people move from Cork or Ireland, we continue appointments online.
As with in-person counselling or psychotherapy appointments, for online appointments, privacy is paramount, as is having a space where you will not be overheard. Try to make your area similar to a therapy room for 50-60mins which means that you can feel relaxed, you won’t be interrupted and keep tissues close by (just in case). Ensuring housemates or family members respect that you require time without disruption. Having a good Wi-Fi connection ensures minimal interference.
Online or virtual tele-health appointments are environmentally friendly – there is no carbon footprint, no travel to/from appointments, and no time spent frantically looking for parking or sitting in traffic.
I’m now a fan of something I thought I would never engage in. Our lives have changed with the pandemic but it is not all bad. Technology allowed us to stay connected and adapt to new ways of providing therapy (new to me that is!).
If you have any questions about online or virtual counselling and psychotherapy please contact Caroline Crotty.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
mind-body
There is much theoretical debate about the separation of mind-body. My understanding is that our minds provide our individual subjective experiences – our thoughts, feelings, memories or consciousness. Our minds and bodies are not separate entities as (put simplistically) our brains note what is going on in our bodies and watch out for changes in posture, heart rate, breathing, or muscle tension for example.
How we experience an event can depend on our appraisal of the situation. For example – although this is extreme, imagine that I jump from a diving board into a swimming pool, my brain can sense that my body is falling. I feel excited. Versus the scene where I accidentally fall from a diving board, the pool is empty; my brain senses that my body is falling, however, it’s an entirely different emotional experience. Our brains are involved in what’s going on in our bodies but our thoughts and appraisals determine our feelings.
When we consciously tell ourselves that we are excited about something rather than fearful it can change how we feel. We can trick ourselves into believing that we are excited (when otherwise we might say we are afraid). Our body and brain do not necessarily separate fear and excitement, and the conscious thoughts we use to describe feelings to ourselves can change our experience.
That mind-body connection is very evident when we are on rollercoaster rides, bungee jumps or watch horror films because we are provided with an enjoyable fear response! My level of fear may not match yours. Or pain, while it’s not an emotion, is something that we all subjectively experience, but no one can tell us how much pain we experience. Neither do people experience pain in the same way. I find the 1-10 pain-scale impossible to complete because I might think a pain is a full 10 until an 11 strikes! Or my 10 is your 5! I’m mentioning this is because our thoughts impact how we feel and we each feel a little differently and have different thoughts. You might say you’re feeling stressed or excited or afraid or that you’re in pain but it may not be the same experience for the next person.
What we do with our bodies impacts our feelings. Sleep, hydrate, regularly eat healthy and nutritious food, exercise (cardio and weight-bearing), stretch, breathe deeply, and when you care for your body, you have the added bonus of potentially safeguarding your emotional health. Our mind-body or brain/thoughts, feelings/emotions are interlinked.
Humans experience stress. Sometimes we ignore stressors and put the head down and keep going! Perhaps we might pretend to ourselves that we are not in financial debt or that our partners are absent but our bodies might give us a warning sign such as a migraine, upset stomach, sore neck or back etc. When we pay attention to our feelings and to our emotions, it can help us deal with the source of sadness, stress or anxiety. We can make a plan of action to tackle whatever is causing us to feel subpar. Connection is vital to our wellbeing so joining a group to be in the company of others if life is solitary is very helpful. Here’s a link to some meet-up groups I found on Google (and I can’t recommend this – just information-sharing!)
Create a healthy mindset. Set aside time every day or at least every second day to focus on something important to you – take action! You are important. You deserve care. Mind yourself. For a healthy mind – mind your body. Journal to keep track of whatever helps improve your mood and use that list as a reminder when you need a pick-me-up. Make time to do things that you enjoy. Connect with others, seek social support, accept you and accept change. Life is not static. Keep perspective. Reassure yourself you’re doing your best.
Your thoughts impact your feelings – watch those thoughts!
Feed your mind as well as your body. Make a plan of action to tackle worries and overcome whatever is thwarting your efforts to positively sync your mind-body so you can feel good physically, emotionally, mentally etc.
When struggling emotionally, self-care can prove difficult. No one knows how you feel just by looking at you so be open with your GP who can advise and might be able to refer you for free counselling via CIPC (Counselling in Primary Care) if you’ve a medical card. Alternatively, contact www.mymind.org which provides low-cost counselling throughout Ireland. Talking therapy such as counselling or psychotherapy whether online or virtual or face to face can help give you perspective on self-doubt, limiting beliefs, upsetting thoughts and help motivate you towards achieving what you want in your life.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Relationship Breakups
Relationship Breakups
We enter romantic relationships giving our trust and our hearts to another with the hope that neither will be broken. The reality is that most of us know what relationship breakups are like and how it feels to have our hearts broken or at least scarred or dented!
People of every age attend counselling and psychotherapy following the end of a relationship. Any relationship ending, regardless of its length, can leave us reeling. If you are experiencing loss following a relationship breakup, here are some pointers that might help:
Firstly, allow yourself to feel however you feel. When grieving the loss of a relationship and the loss of future plans, it helps to identify emotions rather than block them. There’s nothing wrong with crying (although it’s awkward at work or in the supermarket)! Be reassured that the intensity of the emotion lessens over time. Initially, we might go through a vast array of reactions including shock or disbelief, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, jealousy, regret, swearing off any future relationships etc and although we think we are stuck in our sadness for ever, our feelings change.
Sometimes the overwhelming sense of loss follows a period of numbness or vice versa and both reactions are equally human! There is no single, linear response to loss or grief. Our reactions are as individual as we are so there’s no right or wrong way to experience grief or loss so we go through it and we recover bringing our new learning to the next relationship.
Because we may not have been the person to end the relationship, we may feel rejected and get stuck on questions such as ‘What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me?’ and if our ex is in a new relationship ‘What does his new partner have that I don’t have?’ This is typical but unhelpful. Try to manage thinking and thoughts so that mentally you don’t enter a wormhole of rejection. We rarely think, ‘what’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to be with me’ which might be more useful!
Be supported by others. Talking about the loss is helpful regardless of how private you are. Share thoughts and feelings in confidence with a trustworthy friend or with a therapist. G.P.s have contact details of local counsellors or psychotherapists and www.mymind.org provides a sliding scale of fees throughout Ireland.
Although we might not feel like meeting people, stay in friendly contact. We might find ourselves in a position where our friendship group changed as a result of the relationship loss, so try to say ‘yes’ to social invites because spending time in the company of others is beneficial. It takes our minds off ourselves even for a little while. Be with people who are easy to be with and who value your company. If it seems like committing to social engagements is simply too much of a struggle or output of energy, then perhaps take time out to heal and decline invitations, however, put a time-limit on the social break so it doesn’t extend indefinitely and become social isolation.
Invest in a journal and start writing! Use the journal as a positivity notebook – despite the presence of dark emotional clouds, writing something positive every day or writing a positive word can be helpful. Reminiscing on past achievements or issues that you’ve previously overcome can feel pleasant in the present. If journaling about your feelings is helpful, then go for it! Write what you have learned from your relationship so you can improve future relationships.
Examine what might have been done differently, but not in a self-loathing way, more from a learning perspective – what’s the lesson to be learned from this hurt and heartache?
Communication is difficult and we may feel like we were never heard or listened to by our former partner. Rather than carry negativity, blame and resentment towards the other person, remind yourself that you tried your best and the intention was never that anyone would be hurt.
Concentrate on how you can best look after yourself now and into the future. Make aplan of action (in your new journal) or start a new routine for meeting the basic needs of diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation, social interaction etc. Write a daily or weekly schedule, regardless of how simple, because it can help to provide a sense of purpose and achievement when completed. Include self-care as part of the routine whether it is to walk in a forest or play music you love (or both at the same time!), making time to care for yourself is important for healing and recovery.
Exercise is critical to your recovery – it helps utilise stress hormones that can cause physical symptoms e.g. aches and pains, an upset tummy or digestive issues.
Avoid unhelpful and unhealthy choices following a relationship breakup such as using illicit drugs or relying on alcohol to cope or overeating, self-harm, over-working or excessive gambling. Constantly distracting yourself from the reality of your life and the loss may work for a little while but not indefinitely. Instead, pay attention to what you need to soothe yourself and consciously encourage yourself.
Try not to keep false hope that they’ll come back and all will be well once ‘they see sense’. Life is too short to wait for someone to return following a relationship breakup. Respect their decision and choice to end the relationship. Do you want to be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, or who doubts the future success of your relationship? If the answer to this question is ‘no’, then allow them to leave. Sometimes when hurt, it can be helpful to set a time-limit or deadline after-which it is important to acknowledge that the relationship is over, when acceptance becomes the priority (not revenge or ill-will, but acceptance).
Spending time on our own with our thoughts is growthful. Being independent and being able to identify and meet our own wants and needs will benefit all future relationships.
Although it might feel very daunting initially, there is life, love and happiness after relationship breakups.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Deep Breathing
Deep Breathing is a relaxation tool we can use anytime, anywhere – once we know how.
Whenever I talk about alleviating stress, I generally give the warning that relaxation is not throwing yourself on the sofa with a glass of wine! Picture the scene – lying on the sofa, wine in hand, open giant-size pack of crisps or sweets balanced close-by and then you spot that the tv remote is not within your reach so if you can’t lasso it (!), rather than stand up and walk to retrieve it, you wait to ask someone to pass it to you! Well, bad news folks, this is not real relaxation. I know that taking time-out in front of the tv after a stressful day might feel like relaxation but it does little to reduce the effects of stress on our bodies.
There are several relaxation options which can help us combat the effects of stress. I find the rhythm of a run helpful and I love dancing (although I am neither a natural runner nor dancer!). Relaxation also comes in the form of walking; massage; Tai chi; meditation; yoga; progressive muscle relaxation; deep breathing or visualisation. Like everything else, relaxation is personal – please do whatever works best for you.
If you are around people all the time you may crave solitude so relaxation techniques that you can do alone might suit, giving yourself an opportunity to disconnect from everyone/thing and recharge your batteries. Explain to others in your family you need time away – teach your children and your loved ones that time alone is beneficial. If you crave company, a group relaxation class might be best but in the absence of in-person group classes, deep breathing is an effective relaxation technique for everyone (regardless of age or stage of life).
When we are anxious, we tend to take short, quick breaths. This can make us feel even more anxious so it’s a vicious circle. Deep breathing can be used whenever we feel anxious or stressed but, like every new skill, it requires practice. Once we master deep breathing, we can use it anywhere. Paying attention to our breath and breathing is the cornerstone of many relaxation practices such as yoga or meditation.
Perhaps light some aromatherapy candles or play soothing music to help create a relaxing ambiance.
Deep breathing activates your body’s relaxation response, lowering your heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels. Practice while feeling calm to become comfortable before using it when feeling stressed or anxious.
Sit comfortably with your back straight ideally rest your arms on the arm rests of your chair. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Breathe in through your nose to a count of 4*. The hand on your stomach will move outwards as your tummy expands. The hand on your chest barely moves. Hold your breath for 1 or 2 seconds. Exhale through your mouth to a count of 6*, pushing out as much air as you can (imagine that you are blowing out candles). The hand on your stomach should move inwards as you exhale, but the hand on your chest moves very little. Pause for 1 or 2 seconds. Then repeat for a couple of minutes.
*Find a count that works well for you – it may be an inhale count of 6 and an exhale count of 8.
Practice deep breathing for a couple of minutes a couple of times a day. Over time you will find a flow that works well for you. It takes patience. If you find it a little difficult to breathe into and from your tummy while you are sitting up (remember it takes practice), perhaps try lying on your back in a comfortable place. Try putting a light book on your tummy. The book rises as you inhale and falls as you exhale. You’ll know when you’re adept because you need to concentrate less and less on your tummy. Try to incorporate it in to your daily routine. Every time I visit the bathroom or get into or out of the car I breathe deeply to help me feel relaxed and in control. But I remember when I first began calm breathing or deep breathing, it made me feel a little anxious and I know now that happens because we are changing our breathing and our system is trying to figure out what is happening!
We cannot avoid anxiety as it is part of being human and stress comes in many forms. Deep breathing is to help us stay in control of our big reactions or strong emotions. It can be used anywhere once you know how and no one knows that you’re doing it (don’t use your hands when you’re in company!).
Once you know how, incorporate calm/deep breathing into your day – simply counting as you inhale into your tummy, hold, and count as you exhale. Perhaps do this whenever you brush your teeth or hair or maybe whenever you wash your hands with soap or use hand sanitizer!!
Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Worrying
“Worrying is time well spent ” said no one. Ever!
Recall an event that you wasted time worrying about. Perhaps you worried so much, that you were snappy and irritable with your friends or family. Maybe you spent nights unable to fall asleep or once asleep, couldn’t stay asleep and kept waking. You may even have run through every possible negative scenario, (i.e. catastrophising) about the event and examined all the ways in which disaster could strike!
Back to reality now! Did any of that worry change anything about the event? Even though you worried, you had zero control over what took place. Worrying did not determine or govern the outcome.
For one minute, imagine that you know exactly what lies ahead in life, that you know what is going to happen and when. Ask yourself whether it is possible to be certain about everything in life. Being 100% certain about life would mean that you know what results we will get in exams, or whether we will succeed in a new job or in a relationship. We would know whether Tipp or KK will win the All-Ireland Hurling Final 2019. We would also know when we and our loved ones are going to die.
So, instead of worrying, perhaps it might be time to take a different approach and use your time more wisely by learning to accept uncertainty.
When we worry, we often over-exaggerate the likelihood of something going wrong. However, challenging our irrational thoughts about uncertainty can help. In my experience, it’s the uncertainty that we don’t like, it doesn’t sit well with us. We want to know what’s going to happen, sometimes because we think we can be prepared.
The next time you are worrying, ask yourself:
What exactly am I bothered about?
Is it probable, likely or guaranteed?
Is this a feeling or is this a fact?
Is this my imagination?
If I can start a sentence with “what if…” the likelihood is that this is my amazing imagination!
People tell me that being prepared for every eventuality can seem useful and give a sense of security and I question whether this is true.
If you think like this, it might be an idea to take out a pen and sheet of paper and challenge your belief that we need to or have to worry and answer the following questions:
· Can I be certain about my future?
· Are there advantages to being certain about everything?
· Are there disadvantages to wanting certainty of outcome?
· Why do I need to have certainty about the future?
· Do I predict that bad things will happen because they are uncertain?
· What is the likelihood that my predictions will come true?
· Can I live with uncertainty? (Nothing in life is certain except death).
So rather than worry about the uncertainty of the future, perhaps you might instead try to focus on your breath and breathing as outlined here. Get up and move to a different location in your house or at work – this can help to reset your mind. Pay close attention and listen to the sounds around you. What can you hear? What are the sensations in your body? Can you feel your feet in your shoes? Can you wriggle your toes? Grounding yourself in the here and now can be helpful when you are prone to succumbing to worrying about (potential) future events. Check out the 54321 grounding technique here .
We all worry but for some of us it can be problematic at various times throughout our lives. Talking therapies and cognitive behavioural therapy – CBT – can help you challenge unhelpful or negative thoughts. Don’t be afraid to ask for help to tackle your worry.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Breathing Meditation
Information Overload isn’t new. It has more recently changed so that now, rather than have too many books to read, we have technology demanding our attention. We too are demanding of attention or potentially vying for the attention of others on social media. We are slowly learning that too much screen time may affect our attention span. Learning To Pay Attention to ourselves is beneficial and using a breathing meditation is time spent caring for you i.e. self-care.
Self-care is not self-indulgent, it is vital. Depending on our age, we may not have been taught about self-care in school but as adults, we independently learn that in order to give our best we must care and look after our bodies and minds.
A short breathing meditation can help us relax, gain focus and manage our worries or stressful thoughts.
I am not a mindfulness teacher neither am I am meditation master. My training is in counselling and psychotherapy. However, in my experience, when we learn how to focus our minds on something other than worry or bothersome thoughts, our attention can be a remarkably useful tool.
We can’t stop thoughts or worries from popping into our minds but what do we do with them once there? We can allow any thoughts to be present, while we learn how to bring our attention to our breath.
Using a meditation exercise can help us to be present in the here and now and not back in the past or flying off into the future, not caught up in our imagination. This is not about controling our thoughts or getting rid of them.
Mindfulness involves practicing bringing our attention back to the present, to the here and now – whenever it wanders off.
As an analogy, attention is like a muscle. If we don’t regularly use the muscle, it can become weaker. However, with regular exercise we can strengthen and build it.
Meditation exercises, like learning any new skill, require practice. Here’s one that takes only three minutes initially which, in time, can be increased to ten mins twice per day. In my experience, allowing ourselves even a couple of minutes every day to mindfully breathe is beneficial and relaxing.
Sit in a chair and get yourself comfy. Pay attention to your body and ask yourself, “what do I feel right now? What are my feelings? And what are my thoughts?” Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and to all the sensations in your body. Describe these experiences to yourself. Don’t judge or alter anything. Accept. Spend up to one minute doing this.
Bring your focus of awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensations of your breath as it enters and leaves your tummy. Bring your awareness to the sensations of movement in your tummy and allow your thoughts to go, to leave you as you breathe. Breathe in as you say ‘relax’ and on each exhalation say “calm”. If your mind wanders, do not try to change the thoughts or make them leave. Acknowledge their presence, allow them to be there, then allow them to go, returning your attention and focus to your breath and breathing. Spend up to two minutes doing this.
Extend your awareness to sensing your whole body breathing. Become aware of sensations throughout your body. If your mind wanders to various thoughts or feelings, acknowledge them and let them go and return your focus to sen1sing your whole body breathing. Spend about two mins doing this.
As you become more familiar with this skill of “letting go”, wherein you choose to notice but let go of thoughts, emotions or sensations, this is the ideal time to increase the time. Acknowledge and appreciate what you are doing, allowing yourself time to settle your mind, to breathe, to pay attention to you.
Attention is like a muscle and with regular exercise, a muscle works really well! Breathing meditation is the same – the more often you allow yourself time to do it, the easier it gets as the more skilled you become!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
New Year’s Resolutions
New Year’s Resolutions don’t always make it past the first few days of the new year. Now that we are in 2019, it might be an idea to set some healthy personal goals. Perhaps choose a new year’s resolution that’s achievable and beneficial (then stick with it)!
Great Music
You might make your New Year’s resolution to listen to music you enjoyed when you were young or if you are young, listen to music that makes you feel good! Music has a profound impact on our brains and can transport us back in time, help us feel relaxed or work-out more productively. Music is so powerful it can help reduce pain and alter our mood. So crank up the choons!
Get Moving
To make healthy changes in the New Year we must rethink busy schedules. Finding time might be difficult, but ten minutes of non-stop walking three times a day is achievable. Every minute you move is invaluable. Exercise improves our overall wellbeing and quality of life. To improve our heart health, we need about 2.5 hours weekly, of moderate-intensity physical activity. Moderate-intensity activity increases heart-rate, gets us sweaty and causes us to breathe more quickly – which is also perfect for helping to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety – exercise is win/win and here’s a link to 10 minute workouts.
Exercise
There are a multitude of benefits to exercise – it improves mood and self-confidence and feelings of anxiety and depression; exercise builds muscle and strengthens bones. Exercise can increase energy levels and improve brain function. It helps improve sleep and pain management. Exercise is the best demonstrated way to maintain health, fitness and youth. Here’s a link to a similar article I wrote on LinkedIn Get Moving in 2019
Gratitude
Developing gratitude for the little things in life impacts our long-term happiness. The act of forcing yourself to think of events or you in a positive light or thinking of reasons to be grateful (no matter how small) or counting your blessings is beneficial for your brain and for your mood. The more you do it, the easier it becomes until eventually gratitude becomes an integral part of your life. Perhaps, set a new year’s resolution to write three things every day for which you are grateful regardless of how insignificant these things may seem. Today I am grateful for x, y or z. Over time you will see that every day is a good day – we have somewhere to sleep, human connection, food, work, liberty, sight, hearing, health, ability to exercise etc.
What Else? Here are several goal suggestions
What else can we do in 2019 to improve our lives? Spending time in nature is therapeutic and has several health benefits. Being outdoors can put a spring in your step because nature is known to be restorative. Get outside as often as possible. Climb that mountain! Don’t forget that daylight also helps improve our sleep – a healthy new year’s resolution might be to spend time getting your sleep routine in order.
Keep your brain active and learn something new – take up yoga or meditation or learn how to calm breathe. Read more. Make a to-do list and get productive so you can cross things off that list. Disconnect from technology. Spend more time alone particularly if you have a stressful job. Keep a journal. Don’t complain, take action.
Join a group or club where you get to hang out with like-minded people. We need to be with others. When you least feel like meeting people may be when you most need to be in teh company of others. Reach out. Make contact. Meet a friend for a coffee or a walk. Have someone in your life that will listen and hear you and if you already have that person in your family or friend group – that’s fantastic. If you need support or advice – ask for it. Contact a professional Counsellor or Psychotherapist who will be happy to help or to point you in the direction of supports.
Maybe this year make your new year’s resolution to tell the people who are important to you just how much they mean to you and spend more time with them. When talking to yourself be an optimist not a pesimist. Be nice, kind and gentle to you and to others and that’s appropriate for every time of the year!
Whatever New Year’s Resolution you embark upon, I would like to wish you the very best for 2019.
Tips to help your teenager cope with your separation
When parents are separating, the ideal situation is for them both to sit down, together with their child, and explain the plan for the separation, giving your child as much information as is appropriate based on the maturity of the child. At that time, parents can reassure their child that they, the parents, will always be available and will answer any questions the child might have.
Parents can explain the intended outcome of the separation and affirm that it is a positive change. Parents can chat about and also demonstrate to the child that they are loved, safe and secure and that regardless of what is going on between the parents, the child’s wellbeing always comes first. Reassurance can be given that although the family is changing, it is not ending.
HOWEVER, life doesn’t always allow for the “ideal situation” and thus, each separation is different. Some separations occur following the slow deterioration of a relationship however, for others, something may happen to result in one parent suddenly leaving the family home with the children and without a definitive plan.
Change following separation can be difficult and frought. There may be several questions following separation including “who will live where”, “who’s going to drive/drop/collect”; “how will we manage holidays” and “why?” Be as honest as you can without sounding aggressive and always try to sound grounded and impartial.
It is important that your child has time to process what is happening and to adjust to the new and perhaps unexpected changes. Ensure your teen receives adequate reassurances from you both, as parents, so your child feels in control and as relaxed as possible despite the change in circumstances.
Remind yourself that two happy homes are more beneficial to your child than one unhappy/stress-filled home.
Support your child’s relationship with the other parent during and following separation. Reassure your child that the separation is not your child’s fault. Don’t discuss your former partner’s wrong-doings or complain about them to your child or in your child’s presence.
It may be a good idea for your child to have someone outside of you, with whom they can chat about how they’re feeling and discuss thoughts, worries or feelings such as a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Talk to your child about his/her needs and listen to all opinions. Teenagers are quite reliant on their peers and although you may want your child to see your perspective, they may see life through their lens and focus on their own particular needs and issues. Be patient, talk and listen attentively when your teen speaks and comes to you to chat.
Whenever you have a family occasion, put your child first and make plans well in advance. Try to be as inclusive as possible with all family members. Do not ban your child from forming relationships with your ex’s new partner for example. Always stick to arranged plans and be there when you say you will. It is tempting to buy nice things to cheer up your child but providing love and care is better than providing more stuff – presence rather than presents!
Your child is not there to support you – you’re there to support your child. If you find you are struggling emotionally, please ask for help.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Back To School Anxiety
Back to School Anxiety
Primary, secondary and third level institutions are all-systems-go at this time of year and it can be an emotional time for parents, children and for educators who also experience back-to-school anxiety.
You might feel lonely that your youngest is starting school or it may seem like only yesterday when it was your child’s first day at school and now he/she’s leaving home to start a third level course.
For some parents, a child starting school is super exciting, while it can be heart-breaking for other parents. Feeling anxious about the start of school term is to be expected because it is a big change. Whatever is happening in your household right now, stay focused and remain relaxed!
It is normal for your child (regardless of age) to have worries and concerns about school. Fears can vary from “which teacher?”; “where will I sit?”; “what if the bus doesn’t stop?”; “what if my friends aren’t my friends anymore?”; “maybe I won’t fit in”; “what if I don’t know what to say”……the list goes on.
Helpful tips
Ensure you have some one-to-one time with each of your children every day and at least every week go for a walk or play some music together or take a spin in the car or chat while doing a chore together etc.
Chat with your child(ren). Your message is always “I’m here to listen” and “I am your ally” so your child(ren) can approach you with worries and will be assured that together you will devise a plan of action to tackle their fears head-on.
Listen to the small things so your child knows you will be there for the big things as they age and worries change.
Encourage your child to share their feelings with you or their other parent / responsible adult. Explain that changes associated with returning/starting school can be difficult, that worries are okay and that it is beneficial to talk about them.
When your child is anxious, it may be easy to become stressed. The more grounded you are the better. It is comforting for your child to see that you are relaxed about a situation particularly when your child is anxious about it. Your child is looking to you for comfort and reassurance, if you react it may send the wrong message to your child and they may panic even more.
When your child comes to you and says they are worried about something, please be careful not to dismiss their worries or undermine their fears. Do not say “don’t worry” or “everyone feels like that”.Instead, chat about what course of action your child can take to help alleviate the worry. Encourage your child to work through the anxiety and to problem-solve. Try to empathise by saying “I see that you’re worried about this”.
Don’t dismiss fears as silly or say “that’s nothing“. When your child comes to you stop whatever you’re doing and listen carefully – show that you are interested in finding a solution. Listening to your child means that you allow them time to speak and time to think about what they want to tell you – don’t jump in too fast or finish sentences! Take time, listen and reflect back what you hear so your child knows you are paying close attention and that what they tell you is important to you.
Don’t break your child’s confidence by discussing their worries behind their back and making fun of them – they won’t confide in you again if they discover that you’re not trustworthy!
Encourage your child to be solutions-focused “what helps you feel relaxed?” or “what can you do that might help you feel better?”
Encourage your child to think about the nice things that happened during the day to gear their attention away from anxious thoughts particularly at night time. A nice way to finish the day is to ask your child, when saying good night, “what’s the best thing that happened today?” or “what was your favourite part of today?”
Praise. Praise. Praise. Every time your child handles a tricky situation and manages their anxiety give plenty praise. Be encouraging. As a parent you can’t always fix everything or be around to offer constant reassurance, but you can give your child the confidence to believe in their own abilities to overcome worries and concerns.
Think about how you behave when you are tired and hungry – we as adults are easily irritated. Your child may be irritable because of hunger or tiredness. It is important to have a good back-to-school routine for sleep and for meals. Watch portion sizes. Don’t reward your child(ren) with food items, instead reward with a trip to the playground or a comic or art materials. Stick to your screen time schedule (i.e. set limits to the amount of time, no screens in the bedroom or at the meal table). So very many children head to bed but not to sleep and school work and concentration suffer as a result of being on line into the small hours.
To recap, chat with your child, stay grounded, be and encourage your child to be solutions-focused, encourage and praise and stick to the back-to-school routine for sleep, food and screen-time!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Protect Your Mental Health
Protect Your Mental Health
People talk about “mental health” when they often mean “mental ill-health” or “mental-illness”. We all have ‘mental health’, just as we have ‘physical health’ and it changes throughout our life-time and even over the course of the day. Please care for, safeguard and protect your mental health because it is precious. The more you protect and look after it, the better able you will be to deal with life’s curveballs. Here are some reminders to help protect your mental health:
“Mind your body to mind your mind”. Eat well and regularly. Include natural foods. Increase intake of fruit, vegetables, wholegrains, nuts, beans and live yogurt. Include protein and fatty acids (oily fish, almonds, avocados etc). Avoid alcohol, trans fats, caffeine and high-sugar and processed foods. Cook your own meals. Stay hydrated with water.
Get your sleeping pattern in order. Ensure you get sufficient, good quality, uninterrupted sleep.
Exercise, movement, physical activity – we all know what we should be doing but there’s a big divide between knowledge and behaviour! Decide to move more and do it! Start small and build over time. Baby steps in the right direction are better than no steps! Celebrating those steps can help keep you motivated. Use the stairs, dance or go for a walk. I have a fridge magnet that says “housework won’t kill you but why take the risk” but one way to increase your movement is to do physical chores around the house like hoovering, dusting or cleaning windows. Being physically active helps you feel good and is great for your emotional wellbeing.
Set realistic goals – short, medium and long term. Acknowledge each achievement. Keep focused on the future – the best of life has yet to come.
Do things that you enjoy doing – gardening, painting, baking etc. Be creative when you can.
Give. This can be something small like holding open a door, saluting someone, making eye contact and smiling. Give your time by volunteering or give your energy by doing something nice for others – giving makes us feel good.
Always be kind. Kindness is the universal language. When we help others feel good we feel good.
Try to spot the good things in life and be grateful. Gratitude safeguards our mental health.
Spend time with people that are easy to be with.
Learn to say “no”.
Meet someone for a coffee or for a walk and a chat.
Join a club or start a club. We need social connections.
Stop being too busy to do the things you love and make the time.
Give yourself a break from technology and this includes the tv! Do something practical like read a book, bake, colour, draw, chat, get outside in nature, journal about your day, take a bubbly bath – there are so many things to do instead of being plonked in front of the tv.
Do something outside of your comfort zone, outside of your usual routine. When you feel discomfort in a safe environment/setting, remind yourself that it’s healthy and good.
Stop comparing.
Accept yourself as you are. You’re perfect. There is only one of you.
Be gentle with yourself when things go wrong. Praise you when things go right.
Learn how to relax and live with stress. Take up yoga or Tai-Chi, read a magazine, play with your children or a pet, listen to great music, sing out loud, write poetry, stand outdoors and admire the trees or the skyline.
Take time alone for yourself by yourself every day. I sit in my car when I return from work before I enter my house so that I leave work outside my home.
Smile. It brightens up those around you and also your face!
Learn how to control your breath. Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold for a couple of seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Breathe into your tummy rather than into your upper chest. Do this for a couple of minutes a couple of times a day. We all have to take bathroom breaks so why not breathe slowly and deeply every time you’re in the bathroom or when you wash your hands or turn on the kettle. There are opportunities for calm breathine but you must be disciplined! You’re worth the effort!
Get help. If you need it, ask for it. No one needs to face a problem on their own. We are better when we work together.
Find someone with whom you can talk about your issues or difficulties. If that person is a professional such as a counsellor, doctor, psychotherapist, psychologist, you can rest assured that whatever you say will be kept confidential.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Prioritise Sleep!
Prioritise Sleep!
Just as we know how important good quality natural food is for our bodies, it is important that we acknowledge how important sleep is for our overall health and wellbeing.
It is likely that each of us will have difficulty sleeping at some point in our lives. Not getting enough sleep or having disrupted sleep is very common. At any given time, about one third of adults are experiencing sleep difficulties i.e. trouble falling asleep, waking during the night or waking too early.
Good sleep is characterised by appropriate timing, sufficient duration, high quality, regularity and alertness during waking hours. There are several repercussions of insufficient or interrupted sleep which include memory impairment, increased risk of accidents, cognitive deficits and increased BMI. Yes, sleep quality can cause weight gain! When we are sleep deprived, we even find it hard to make simple decisions and we are certainly not in the best mood!
As well as being implicated in complex cardiovascular and mood disorders, the quality and quantity of sleep that an individual gets determines the risk of developing metabolic or immune system disorders. Sleep helps our brains and bodies recover and promotes both physical and psychological wellbeing.
Sleep is not optional – it is vital for optimum health and wellness.
The amount of sleep we need is very individual – teenagers can need 8-10 hours while adults over 25 years need 7-9 hours per night. At times we will need more e.g. pregnancy, post-operative or recuperating from illness. When our sleep is interrupted by newborns for example we must catch up on sleep when we can. We can also have sleepless nights due to illnesses and discomfort. Sleep is very individual but as an adult over 25 years aim to for a minimum of 7 hours every night.
Sleep is an essential component of physical and mental health as well as general wellbeing.
Make sleep a priority.
If you have difficulties with sleep, reassure yourself your sleeping pattern will soon be regularised.
Follow a nightly routine.
As part of that routine, consider burning a lavender candle; listening to relaxing music; practicing calm breathing or writing a gratitude list.
Have specific times for going to bed and for waking up.
Avoid staying up late and sleeping in late (even on weekends or days off).
Get sufficient sunlight every day.
Keep bedrooms tidy and dimly lit.
Avoid naps in the late afternoon or for longer than 20 mins.
Avoid screens and bright lights at night including TV, laptop or handheld electronic devices because they wake us up and can stop the hormone melatonin which helps us sleep.
Alcohol and cigarettes negatively affect sleep.
If you wake at night, resist the urge to check the time, instead, reassure yourself that you will catch up on sleep another night.
Wear bed-socks to keep you warm while you sleep.
Keep bedroom temperatures neither too hot nor too cold.
Exercise during the day but not too late into the night.
Beds are for adult fun and sleep and not for worrying, watching tv, eating, etc.
Don’t eat too late but don’t go to bed hungry.
Avoid caffeine after lunch or completely if possible.
If you are having difficulty with your sleep routine, or if you find yourself lying in bed at night with your brain trying to find different issues for you to worry about, then please talk to someone. Help is at hand – reach out and ask.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
50 Tips for Life
50 Tips for Life
(in no particular order!)
Most of us could use a few reminders to help make our lives easier and happier. Here are 50 tips for life that might help you feel more content – if you put them into practice!
Smile. Laugh.
Count your blessings. Develop gratitude.
Learn to say no and to ask for what you want (it’s effective communication). Say yes without expectation.
Nothing changes because you complain. Change comes with action. Stop complaining – the negativity is not good for you or for those around you!
Declutter. Happiness doesn’t come from ‘stuff’ (it actually comes from giving).
Awareness is key to change. Get to know yourself.
Live life according to your expectations and not the expectations of others.
Forgive people. Don’t hold grudges. Forgive you. Don’t hold regrets.
Listen more. Talk less especially when someone speaks to you.
Mind your mental health. Spend time daily with your thoughts to help you destress.
Plan your meals and make them from scratch.
Ask for help and be specific e.g. “can you please mind the children for one hour on Saturday while I take a break?”
Don’t buy anything simply because it is reduced.
Watch your self-talk. Be your own cheerleader.
Put out tomorrow’s clothes today i.e. prepare for tomorrow today.
Gently stretch when you wake.
Stay connected. Research shows our health is negatively affected when we are socially isolated.
Do not buy clothes hoping they will fit at some stage. When you buy new clothes, get rid of old ones.
Hugs are healing. Pets can provide great company and most love hugs if there are no humans to hug.
Disconnect from technology. Reconnect with nature and people.
Dance. Anytime, anywhere.
Salute people. You might be the only contact someone has when you say “good morning”. Always say “thank you”. It’s nice.
Get a good night’s sleep. Stick to a bedtime routine. Aim for 7-9 hours. Sleep restores body and brain.
Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.
Instead of watching tv do something productive. Plant a seed, write a letter, read a book, visit a neighbour etc.
Treat yourself.
Diet and nutrition is one way to mind our mental health. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can affect how we feel and think. B12, D, Zinc, Omega 3 fatty acids, iron, selenium and other deficiencies in minerals, amino acids and proteins can negatively affect our mental state. Have your bloods checked.
Retrain your brain to spot the positive, rather than the negative.
Listen to music that you like.
Get daily sunlight.
No one is any better or any worse than you. Regularly remind yourself of this because you are enough.
Learn how to control your angry reactions – take deep breaths rather than shouting or swearing. Don’t lose your temper with anyone. Ever.
You don’t know what you would do if you were in someone else’s shoes. Stop judging others. Stop judging yourself. Humans make mistakes. Learn from them.
Whatever your age, keep active. Keep your body healthy with movement.
Respect the environment. Recycle. Have a compost bin.
Stay hydrated. Watch the colour of your pee – the more you drink, the clearer your urine looks. The colour is more concentrated when you drink less fluid.
Sing. It’s good for your health and it’s calming.
Keep a journal – it can help you keep track of your day-to-day feelings and emotions.
Learn to slow down your breath. Exhale for longer than you inhale a few times a day.
Write a list of your worries and turn that list into a plan of action.
We flourish with praise. Focus on the things you get right. Praise yourself and readily give praise to others.
Be considerate. You have no idea what’s going on for others. Be kind at every opportunity.
Mind your physical health by keeping your body strong and fit.
Reduce or cut out alcohol, caffeine, processed foods, sugar, screen-time, cigarettes, stressful situations, negative people, naps late in the afternoon, staying up late or sleeping in.
Increase time with positive people, your intake of vegetables, fruit, wholegrains, bright berries, nuts, protein and fresh produce. Eat more beats, garlic and broccoli.
Feed your senses i.e. eyes (sight), ears (sound), skin (touch), tongue (taste) and nose (smell).
Wear bed socks to help keep your body warm while you sleep.
Have health-checks e.g. smear, hearing, dental, breast, sight, vitamin, hormone, prostate etc – whatever it is that you should get done – go do it!
Let go of trying to figure out ‘why’. There isn’t always a ‘why’ and if you had a ‘why’ what would it change?
No one likes a “know-all”. Don’t give advice unless someone expressly wants it and, even then, ask if he/she is absolutely sure!
Always have goals, like dreams, they’re appropriate for every age. Have short, medium and long-term, achievable goals. Write them down. Acknowledge achievements. Set new goals – keep going.
Yes that is 51! I couldn’t resist.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
20 Tips for Anxiety
Top 20 Tips to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Anxiety is as natural as breathing! Although we often view it as negative, anxiety is not all bad – it helps keep us motivated and focused, it changes our behaviour in a productive way i.e. look how anxiety gets us going when we are nearing an assignment or work deadline!
However, if you are wasting time thinking about worst case scenarios or catastrophising – here are 20 top-tips to help alleviate those anxious feelings:
Reduce caffeine. It’s found in energy drinks, chocolate, tea, and coffee. High caffeine intake is linked with raised anxiety levels.
Exercise that gets your blood pumping and increases your heart rate is perfect for alleviating anxiety.
Spending time with people who know and love you (just as you are) is comforting.
Avoid alcohol as it’s directly linked with feelings of anxiety and low mood and only provides a temporary distraction from anxious thoughts and feelings.
Learn how to slow down your breath. Breathing slowly into your tummy a few times every day when calm is a new skill you can develop for use when anxious.
Spend more time outdoors. Nature is therapeutic. Get sufficient sunlight every day.
Improve sleep. Numbers 1-6 will improve sleep. Don’t worry in bed, instead write down your difficulties and decide to tackle them during daylight hours. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day and avoid screens late at night.
Speak nicely to you. Anxiety is not to be feared. Remind yourself that you are okay. Think of the encouraging things someone else might say and say them to yourself.
Eat well and regularly i.e. fresh, brightly coloured, unprocessed foods. Reduce refined sugars.
Listen to a mindfulness meditation or calming music which have a direct impact on our brain. Take timeout every day just to be with you. Developing patience to sit still (and no 5) is beneficial for our bodies and our minds.
Do what makes you feel good and lifts your spirits e.g. gardening, baking, knitting, tinkering with the car etc. A practical distraction is calming.
Write down your worries. If they are inside your control, then act by setting mini-goals to tackle the issues.
Smell something wonderful like fresh flowers or coffee beans. Light an aromatherapy candle that was created with relaxation in mind (lavender). Smells and aromas help relax us.
Focus on what’s going right or things you’ve done well in the past. You’ve made it this far. Try to focus on the little things you get right during the day as they help to feed your self-esteem and perk-up your mood.
When you were young, did you “take a line for a walk”? It involves drawing circles or shapes on a page without lifting the pen from the paper. Then colour-in your work of art! Colouring can improve focus and reduce stress levels.
Write a ‘note of reassurance’ to yourself when you feel positive. Put it in your wallet. Read it when feeling panicky or afraid to remind you that you can get through difficult times.
Limit time on social media.
Develop gratitude (linked to no. 14). Be thankful for what you have, your family, friends, home, health, body, limbs, liberty etc. Write down three things every day that you appreciate or for which you are grateful.
Consider a talking therapy such as counselling. Chatting with someone who understands what you’re going through, in confidence, can improve your mood and help you regain control over worries. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can also help you challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts.
Smile – a big eye-wrinkling smile! It is contagious and can perk-up your mood.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
A New Year, A New Me? Maybe Not!
A New Year A New Me?
A new year, a new me! Really? I don’t know how many times we read and hear this phrase at the start of every new year. I even say it myself as I’m eating chocolates at breakfast time during the end of year holidays! The news is that we are all the same people whether it is January or July. We do not enter a new year suddenly transformed into a different more abstemious person. We might, however, set a goal for ourselves for the year ahead.
Try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change and become someone else although you might want to start exercising or shed a kilo or two or perhaps cut down on processed foods etc but do not make your happiness dependent on achieving something in the future. People often say that they will be happy when they reach a target weight or achieve a certain something like a promotion or a new house for example but I am doubtful that it’s an accurate prediction of contentment.
Now is the time to feel great about yourself. If you feel good right now, just imagine how amazing you will feel when you achieve your goals or attain your 2018 resolutions.
If you do not feel too great right now, try not to be too hard on yourself. January is a very tough month for many. Couples often stay together over Christmas knowing that the new year will bring a change to their relationship; being in debt can be stressful or knowing your credit card bill will be severe because of overspending on presents or on the sales; when family has returned to their homes and the house is quiet or not having family members to rely on can leave one person with several responsibilities and that too can feel exhausting.
Returning to work and facing back into our usual routine can also be difficult. Knowing that there is no routine of work can also be upsetting. However, January is not all doom and gloom. I would like to reassure you that if you are having a hard time in January that you are not alone. Several people are feeling like you do right now i.e. not super enthusiastic that it is the start of a new year! This is a common feeling and you are entitled to feel however you feel!
Try to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Telling someone how you feel, chatting about your worries and fears can help you gain perspective. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or to a healthcare professional.
What can lift our mood in January?
Start with small steps towards achieving your New Year’s goal. When you do something that you know to be good or beneficial, acknoweldge and celebrate your achievements, this will help you continue towards achieving your goal.
Cut down or avoid alcohol to help your system detox after the overindulgences of the holiday period.
Increase your intake of brightly coloured fresh fruit and veg.
Eat at regular intervals. We often go without food for hours and then gorge ourselves on whatever rubbish is to hand. Plan your meals in advance but pay attention that you are eating regularly.
Turn up the music. It transports us in time, makes us feel good and lifts our spirits.
Get out of the house and spend more time in nature. Resist the urge to stay wrapped up indoors and force yourself to get out . You will be thankful that you made the effort to leave the house.
Once it is okay to do so, why don’t you pick up the phone and ask someone to meet you for a coffee and a chat. If they say no then that’s perfectly okay but someone might say yes! Or suggest going for a walk and you have both exercise and a chat all rolled into one!
Movement is key to keeping our bodies healthy and dancing in the kitchen, taking the stars, jumping on the spot, all count as exercise – keep your body active.
Have your bloods checked (including vitamin levels) with your doctor to ensure that your body is in tip top condition. Visit the dentist and optician for check ups. Save up for these health screens if you must but having a clean bill of health is priceless and if there is something that requires attention, finding out in time is crucial to receiving the best care.
Good quality, uninterrupted sleep is vital for our mental and physical health. Working shifts, having small children or a baby will mean your sleep is interrupted so catch up with naps if necessary. Sleep can be rectified over time so seek help to ensure you are getting sufficient good quality uninterrupted shut-eye! See some further info here https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Having self-confidence to make mistakes or noticing our self-talk and challenging any negative dialogue are worthwhile new year goals. Not eating chocolate at breakfast time is a great goal because minding our bodies is our investment in our future selves.
For this new year perhaps set the goal to be kind to you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
How to be Happy I
How to be Happy Part 1
Do you know someone who is happy? Perhaps you are that happy person. What ‘happy’ means to me may differ to how you would define it. There are possibly as many definitions of ‘happiness’ as there are people.
Various factors impact and contribute to our overall sense of happiness from involvement in our communities to celebrations, weather, finances, family etc. I don’t have enough space here to examine influences on or definitions of happiness but in my experience, everyone wants to be happy.
Ask yourself ‘Do I want to be happy? If the answer is ‘yes’ put a plan of action into place. We all know that life is not fair but being happy requires an investment of your time and effort because happy people work at being happy.
If you want to be happy follow these tips:
Accept yourself completely – just as you are AND accept your reality. This means you accept your family, house, appearance, birthplace, strengths/limitations, history etc. Acceptance is the key to happiness. (This is not easy but it is vital).
Learn something new – how to put up a shelf, knit, sew, bake a sponge cake – keep your brain active with new knowledge and skills.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. Forgive others for theirs. Let go of resentments – it is difficult to be happy with a heavy heart.
Engage in activities. Start a new hobby such as yoga or Bridge. Join a club or start one e.g. a book club or dinner club with your neighbours/friends.
Spend time with people that make you feel good, ideally positive people. Avoid people who stress you out or drain your energies.
Have a sense of purpose. Happy people have something to do or somewhere to go (even if it is just to the shop for milk).
Do things you are good at, that you enjoy, that are fun or make you feel good. Do them often.
Say NO. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it. If you do, then do so without complaint.
Acknowledge that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions, you are only responsible for yours.
Find your voice and say when you are unhappy about something. (Say I feel x when y because z)
Nurture a loving relationship with YOU. Happy people give themselves breaks and let themselves off the hook. They learn how to relax and how to manage anxieties/stresses.
Set short-term achievable goals. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting unattainable goals! Set a goal, achieve it, acknowledge the achievement then set new goals!
Invest time in others. Make time for your partner, children, friends, neighbours or strangers.
Watch your language. I don’t mean swear words I mean self-talk. Say only positive things and use only positive words particularly when talking about you.
Help others because it makes us feel happy. Help willingly. Volunteer in your community or to do something nice for a neighbour.
Your brain believes you must be happy if you are smiling, it immediately raises your mood. Smiles are contagious.
Treat your body as well as you can. Eat well, hydrate, keep moving and breathe slowly.
Be kind and gentle, forgiving and compassionate with YOU and others.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Challenging Thinking
Challenging Negative / Illogical Thinking
If we are attempting to change our thinking pattern it can be helpful to analyse what we are saying to ourselves (in our minds). When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative or illogical thoughts with more positive, rational ones.
Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Is your thinking magical (if x then y)?
To challenge negative thoughts or irrational thinking, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. I have inserted a sample answer.
If you find answering all the questions difficult at first, perhaps start on week one with just the first two questions and the following week answer the first three questions and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be automatically challenging your negative thoughts.
Where was I?
In my car driving home from work.
What happened?
Someone pulled into the road in front of me and caused me to brake hard. I got a fright because I nearly crashed.
What did I think? What were my thoughts?
How can people be so thoughtless. That driver is so reckless. He didn’t think about me or the dangers. I could have rear-ended that car. My insurance premium would sky-rocket. I can’t afford another bill. He is such an idiot.
How did you feel?
I was fuming. I was so angry I was shaking. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. I could feel my face turn red and my heart-beat quicken.
What did I do?
I shouted and shook my fist at the driver. I banged my fist on the steering wheel. I drove more quickly.
What is a more logical and rational thought?
I didn’t crash. The driver was probably distracted by something else and didn’t see me. This is nothing personal. I can ignore the incident because it is not going to be important in a year’s time. I can focus on the radio, music or calm breathing instead of getting angry. I am in control of my emotions and my thoughts. I am okay. Pull back and allow a greater distance in between me and the car in front because that helps keep me calm.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Comparisons
Comparisons Never Work
Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others“I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
Why go for therapy?
Why go for therapy?
Because we want to face the future with a more positive outlook or try to get a handle on what is bothering us or perhaps our flaws and failings have been pointed out to us by family members and we want to make progress or changes in our lives.
Counselling and psychotherapy are of benefit for anyone who wants support at a time of crisis, or if someone is feeling unhappy and hopes for change or for reasons of personal development or to gain insight.
Discussing a worry or an issue with a friend or family member is remarkably beneficial and I always encourage people to talk and keep talking! If we keep a worry locked within our minds, that worry can grow and continue to grow and may eventually become overwhelming. We all have worries, anxieties, fears and doubts.
Life is not fair and some people experience more than their fair share of upset and trauma. Talking is beneficial but there are several reasons why we may not want to discuss our fears or difficulties with someone we know.
Why We Do Not Talk About Our Problems
We might feel embarrassed or that our worry is silly. We may never share any personal information or talk about ourselves so disclosure may be alien to us. We might feel that we are overburdening others or talking about the same thing time after time. Perhaps we are the ‘go-to person’ the one who provides support to everyone else when they are in need of a listening ear and we do not want to appear compromised. We might not have someone with whom we can speak openly because not everyone has friends or family and indeed not everyone talks openly. There are several reasons why we keep our problems and worries to ourselves.
Confidentiality can be a deterrent to speaking openly. How many times have we all heard “I’m sworn to secrecy and I shouldn’t tell anyone but….” Or “Guess what I’ve just heard….” Or “I don’t like talking about people but…” We know that when we confide in someone we are never guaranteed they will keep the content of that conversation to themselves.
Talking Therapies Help
If you have something on your mind, talking to a professionally trained and competent counsellor/psychotherapist can help especially when you know that what you say in therapy is private and you will not be judged. If you had something physically bothering you, you would talk to the relevant expert e.g. optician, chiropodist, physiotherapist etc. I understand that making the decision to go for counselling/psychotherapy can be difficult. In fact, deciding to go for therapy often means that you have taken the first step on the road to resolving your current difficulty. Talking therapy provides you with an opportunity to speak with a trained professional, who can provide support, a fresh outlook and new perspective.
We can become slaves to our thoughts and fears. What might start as a little niggling self-doubt may grow until we are no longer comfortable in social situations and we question what others think of what we say or of how we look. We may think we are under/over-weight but in reality we look perfect the way we are. By the way, I am not a nutritionist but I do know that it is better to be overweight and fit rather than thin and unfit.
Sometimes in life we take up mind-reading as a hobby and in my experience, mind-reading is not positive because rarely do we think other people view us as attractive and intelligent and interesting etc.!
The decision to attend therapy can be tough and it may take some time to make. Bear in mind that counsellors and psychotherapists are professionally trained to listen with empathy. We help you deal with negative thoughts or feelings, to resolve difficulties or recover following trauma. You might be trying to come to terms with some news, a bereavement, a health diagnosis or you might be feeling a bit ‘stuck’ and uncertain of what is next for you in life. Perhaps you want to learn more about what makes you tick or become more confident and self-assured. Whatever the reason, it is important to know that in therapy you will not be judged.
People often say to me that their problem “is silly” or “it’s only a little thing” but if something is bothering you it is certainly not silly. In therapy, you are helped to find your own solutions and ways to come to terms with an issue.
What Issues Do People Bring To Therapy?
In short EVERYTHING. Difficulties that come up in therapy include anxiety, parenting, anger, relationships, sexuality, employment, bullying, abortion, abuse, communication, adolescent experiences, self-esteem, depression, loneliness, addiction, worry, bereavement, fertility, phobias etc. however, even this list is not exhaustive. We are each unique and our lives differ – what bothers me may not worry the next person and that’s true for each of us.
What Should I Expect If I Go For Therapy?
Therapy provides a private and confidential environment for you to talk about and examine your feelings and thoughts. Therapy moves at your pace. I do not try to make people cry or ask you to lie down on a couch – these are common misconceptions about psychotherapy. People do cry in therapy because they feel comfortable enough to cry or because they are recounting emotional events. I do not force anyone to discuss anything they do not want to discuss.
In therapy, you sit on a chair in a room with me and we talk. I ask some questions and you ask questions too. Therapy is a great place to test how to say something or practice being assertive for example. A therapy hour is usually 50 minutes but I always say to allow one hour.
I provide support, respect opinions and help you understanding what is going on for you – I help you get perspective and insight and together we try to identify ways for you to reach goals and solutions. Over a number of sessions, or perhaps after only one or two, you recognise what you want to achieve.
Will A Counsellor or Psychotherapist Give Me Advice?
No. I do not offer advice such as “I’d leave that relationship if I were you” because the purpose of therapy is to help you to make your own decisions and come to your own conclusions. Therapists may offer pointers such as “have you thought of X or Y?” Such suggestions are drawn from training and from experience of what has helped others.
Does Therapy Work For Everybody?
Therapy will not work for everyone but it offers some help to the majority, therefore it is at least worth a try. Therapy provides a fresh perspective and new coping skills. You may not ‘click’ with the very first therapist you meet but when you find a therapist that you are comfortable with it is a wonderful support to have. An ally, someone that you can bounce your ideas off and where you can say what you want and be heard without judgement.
As Mark Twain wrote, “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain”.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Negative Thinking
To Keep Thoughts Level, Clear, Logical and Positive
Sometimes our thoughts can be negative and we have trouble trying to stop or think of something positive. If we are on a cycle of negative thinking, it is not beneficial and we must somehow stop. It is difficult to be happy while thinking negatively.
When stuck on a negative thinking treadmill, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this a thought or a feeling or is it a fact?
Is this thought beneficial? Is it making me feel good?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is true?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is not true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I thinking of the worst case scenario?
What would my friend advise me to do right now?
What would I advise my friend / family member to do in the same situation?
What is the worst thing that could happen? If it does happen, what could I do to help me cope?
Will this be important in six months’ time? Will it matter in two years’ time?
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