A new year, a new me! Really? I don’t know how many times we read and hear this phrase at the start of every new year. I even say it myself as I’m eating chocolates at breakfast time during the end of year holidays! The news is that we are all the same people whether it is January or July. We do not enter a new year suddenly transformed into a different more abstemious person. We might, however, set a goal for ourselves for the year ahead.
Try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change and become someone else although you might want to start exercising or shed a kilo or two or perhaps cut down on processed foods etc but do not make your happiness dependent on achieving something in the future. People often say that they will be happy when they reach a target weight or achieve a certain something like a promotion or a new house for example but I am doubtful that it’s an accurate prediction of contentment.
Now is the time to feel great about yourself. If you feel good right now, just imagine how amazing you will feel when you achieve your goals or attain your 2018 resolutions.
If you do not feel too great right now, try not to be too hard on yourself. January is a very tough month for many. Couples often stay together over Christmas knowing that the new year will bring a change to their relationship; being in debt can be stressful or knowing your credit card bill will be severe because of overspending on presents or on the sales; when family has returned to their homes and the house is quiet or not having family members to rely on can leave one person with several responsibilities and that too can feel exhausting.
Returning to work and facing back into our usual routine can also be difficult. Knowing that there is no routine of work can also be upsetting. However, January is not all doom and gloom. I would like to reassure you that if you are having a hard time in January that you are not alone. Several people are feeling like you do right now i.e. not super enthusiastic that it is the start of a new year! This is a common feeling and you are entitled to feel however you feel!
Try to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Telling someone how you feel, chatting about your worries and fears can help you gain perspective. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or to a healthcare professional.
What can lift our mood in January?
Start with small steps towards achieving your New Year’s goal. When you do something that you know to be good or beneficial, acknoweldge and celebrate your achievements, this will help you continue towards achieving your goal.
Cut down or avoid alcohol to help your system detox after the overindulgences of the holiday period.
Increase your intake of brightly coloured fresh fruit and veg.
Eat at regular intervals. We often go without food for hours and then gorge ourselves on whatever rubbish is to hand. Plan your meals in advance but pay attention that you are eating regularly.
Turn up the music. It transports us in time, makes us feel good and lifts our spirits.
Get out of the house and spend more time in nature. Resist the urge to stay wrapped up indoors and force yourself to get out . You will be thankful that you made the effort to leave the house.
Once it is okay to do so, why don’t you pick up the phone and ask someone to meet you for a coffee and a chat. If they say no then that’s perfectly okay but someone might say yes! Or suggest going for a walk and you have both exercise and a chat all rolled into one!
Movement is key to keeping our bodies healthy and dancing in the kitchen, taking the stars, jumping on the spot, all count as exercise – keep your body active.
Have your bloods checked (including vitamin levels) with your doctor to ensure that your body is in tip top condition. Visit the dentist and optician for check ups. Save up for these health screens if you must but having a clean bill of health is priceless and if there is something that requires attention, finding out in time is crucial to receiving the best care.
Good quality, uninterrupted sleep is vital for our mental and physical health. Working shifts, having small children or a baby will mean your sleep is interrupted so catch up with naps if necessary. Sleep can be rectified over time so seek help to ensure you are getting sufficient good quality uninterrupted shut-eye! See some further info here https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Having self-confidence to make mistakes or noticing our self-talk and challenging any negative dialogue are worthwhile new year goals. Not eating chocolate at breakfast time is a great goal because minding our bodies is our investment in our future selves.
For this new year perhaps set the goal to be kind to you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
If we are attempting to change our thinking pattern it can be helpful to analyse what we are saying to ourselves (in our minds). When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative or illogical thoughts with more positive, rational ones.
Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Is your thinking magical (if x then y)?
To challenge negative thoughts or irrational thinking, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. I have inserted a sample answer.
If you find answering all the questions difficult at first, perhaps start on week one with just the first two questions and the following week answer the first three questions and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be automatically challenging your negative thoughts.
In my car driving home from work.
Someone pulled into the road in front of me and caused me to brake hard. I got a fright because I nearly crashed.
How can people be so thoughtless. That driver is so reckless. He didn’t think about me or the dangers. I could have rear-ended that car. My insurance premium would sky-rocket. I can’t afford another bill. He is such an idiot.
I was fuming. I was so angry I was shaking. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. I could feel my face turn red and my heart-beat quicken.
I shouted and shook my fist at the driver. I banged my fist on the steering wheel. I drove more quickly.
I didn’t crash. The driver was probably distracted by something else and didn’t see me. This is nothing personal. I can ignore the incident because it is not going to be important in a year’s time. I can focus on the radio, music or calm breathing instead of getting angry. I am in control of my emotions and my thoughts. I am okay. Pull back and allow a greater distance in between me and the car in front because that helps keep me calm.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others “I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
Because we want to face the future with a more positive outlook or try to get a handle on what is bothering us or perhaps our flaws and failings have been pointed out to us by family members and we want to make progress or changes in our lives.
Counselling and psychotherapy are of benefit for anyone who wants support at a time of crisis, or if someone is feeling unhappy and hopes for change or for reasons of personal development or to gain insight.
Discussing a worry or an issue with a friend or family member is remarkably beneficial and I always encourage people to talk and keep talking! If we keep a worry locked within our minds, that worry can grow and continue to grow and may eventually become overwhelming. We all have worries, anxieties, fears and doubts.
Life is not fair and some people experience more than their fair share of upset and trauma. Talking is beneficial but there are several reasons why we may not want to discuss our fears or difficulties with someone we know.
Why We Do Not Talk About Our Problems
We might feel embarrassed or that our worry is silly. We may never share any personal information or talk about ourselves so disclosure may be alien to us. We might feel that we are overburdening others or talking about the same thing time after time. Perhaps we are the ‘go-to person’ the one who provides support to everyone else when they are in need of a listening ear and we do not want to appear compromised. We might not have someone with whom we can speak openly because not everyone has friends or family and indeed not everyone talks openly. There are several reasons why we keep our problems and worries to ourselves.
Confidentiality can be a deterrent to speaking openly. How many times have we all heard “I’m sworn to secrecy and I shouldn’t tell anyone but….” Or “Guess what I’ve just heard….” Or “I don’t like talking about people but…” We know that when we confide in someone we are never guaranteed they will keep the content of that conversation to themselves.
Talking Therapies Help
If you have something on your mind, talking to a professionally trained and competent counsellor/psychotherapist can help especially when you know that what you say in therapy is private and you will not be judged. If you had something physically bothering you, you would talk to the relevant expert e.g. optician, chiropodist, physiotherapist etc. I understand that making the decision to go for counselling/psychotherapy can be difficult. In fact, deciding to go for therapy often means that you have taken the first step on the road to resolving your current difficulty. Talking therapy provides you with an opportunity to speak with a trained professional, who can provide support, a fresh outlook and new perspective.
We can become slaves to our thoughts and fears. What might start as a little niggling self-doubt may grow until we are no longer comfortable in social situations and we question what others think of what we say or of how we look. We may think we are under/over-weight but in reality we look perfect the way we are. By the way, I am not a nutritionist but I do know that it is better to be overweight and fit rather than thin and unfit.
Sometimes in life we take up mind-reading as a hobby and in my experience, mind-reading is not positive because rarely do we think other people view us as attractive and intelligent and interesting etc.!
The decision to attend therapy can be tough and it may take some time to make. Bear in mind that counsellors and psychotherapists are professionally trained to listen with empathy. We help you deal with negative thoughts or feelings, to resolve difficulties or recover following trauma. You might be trying to come to terms with some news, a bereavement, a health diagnosis or you might be feeling a bit ‘stuck’ and uncertain of what is next for you in life. Perhaps you want to learn more about what makes you tick or become more confident and self-assured. Whatever the reason, it is important to know that in therapy you will not be judged.
People often say to me that their problem “is silly” or “it’s only a little thing” but if something is bothering you it is certainly not silly. In therapy, you are helped to find your own solutions and ways to come to terms with an issue.
In short EVERYTHING. Difficulties that come up in therapy include anxiety, parenting, anger, relationships, sexuality, employment, bullying, abortion, abuse, communication, adolescent experiences, self-esteem, depression, loneliness, addiction, worry, bereavement, fertility, phobias etc. however, even this list is not exhaustive. We are each unique and our lives differ – what bothers me may not worry the next person and that’s true for each of us.
What Should I Expect If I Go For Therapy?
Therapy provides a private and confidential environment for you to talk about and examine your feelings and thoughts. Therapy moves at your pace. I do not try to make people cry or ask you to lie down on a couch – these are common misconceptions about psychotherapy. People do cry in therapy because they feel comfortable enough to cry or because they are recounting emotional events. I do not force anyone to discuss anything they do not want to discuss.
In therapy, you sit on a chair in a room with me and we talk. I ask some questions and you ask questions too. Therapy is a great place to test how to say something or practice being assertive for example. A therapy hour is usually 50 minutes but I always say to allow one hour.
I provide support, respect opinions and help you understanding what is going on for you – I help you get perspective and insight and together we try to identify ways for you to reach goals and solutions. Over a number of sessions, or perhaps after only one or two, you recognise what you want to achieve.
Will A Counsellor or Psychotherapist Give Me Advice?
No. I do not offer advice such as “I’d leave that relationship if I were you” because the purpose of therapy is to help you to make your own decisions and come to your own conclusions. Therapists may offer pointers such as “have you thought of X or Y?” Such suggestions are drawn from training and from experience of what has helped others.
Does Therapy Work For Everybody?
Therapy will not work for everyone but it offers some help to the majority, therefore it is at least worth a try. Therapy provides a fresh perspective and new coping skills. You may not ‘click’ with the very first therapist you meet but when you find a therapist that you are comfortable with it is a wonderful support to have. An ally, someone that you can bounce your ideas off and where you can say what you want and be heard without judgement.
As Mark Twain wrote, “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain”.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Sometimes our thoughts can be negative and we have trouble trying to stop or think of something positive. If we are on a cycle of negative thinking, it is not beneficial and we must somehow stop. It is difficult to be happy while thinking negatively.
When stuck on a negative thinking treadmill, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this a thought or a feeling or is it a fact?
Is this thought beneficial? Is it making me feel good?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is true?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is not true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I thinking of the worst case scenario?
What would my friend advise me to do right now?
What would I advise my friend / family member to do in the same situation?
What is the worst thing that could happen? If it does happen, what could I do to help me cope?
Will this be important in six months’ time? Will it matter in two years’ time?
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