The Courage to Be Yourself: Living Life on Your Own Terms
As a psychotherapist, I often sit with people who feel torn between what they want and what others expect of them, between what they feel and what they think they “should” feel. Invisible rules, self-doubt, guilt or fear often burden them, yet underneath it all, there is usually a quiet question whispering: “Can I live my life as myself?”
Yes you can! And more than that, you deserve to. We spend so much time figuring out what we ought to do – the right thing, the thing other people want us to do – feeling like we ‘should’ do this or ‘have to’ do that. At the end of the day, it’s our life, our choices and our consequences.
You Have One Life. And it’s Yours.
There is no dress rehearsal. No draft version. This is your one and only precious life. The more you try to shape yourself into someone who pleases everyone else at the expense of your wellbeing or what you want for yourself, the further you drift from being your true self. That disconnection from your values, needs and desires is often where anxiety, low mood and feeling very flat develop.
We are shaped by the families and cultures in which we grow up. We internalise what is “allowed, ” ” appropriate, ” ” successful,” or “encouraged” from a very early age. But part of being an adult and healing ourselves involves questioning our internalised messages.
Who are you beneath the roles you perform?
What matters to you? (Not what should matter, but what actually matters?)
What do you need – not to function but to flourish?
It Takes Courage to Choose Yourself
Being yourself is not easy. Sometimes it means saying no when others expect yes. Sometimes it means risking disapproval from people very close to you. It might mean that you’re stepping away from relationships or roles that no longer fit. Choosing yourself, your wellbeing, your authenticity, your peace is not selfish – it is self-respect and self-love.
The courage to be yourself is not always loud or defiant. It is often quiet. It is the decision to rest when you feel guilty for slowing down. It is the moment you say “Actually, this doesn’t work for me anymore.” It is doing something different even when nobody notices but you’re prioritising what you need for you.
What Therapy Can Offer
Therapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about exploring who you are beneath the noise and giving yourself permission to be. In therapy we look at the stories you have been told about who you are supposed to be. We examine the weight you are carrying and ask if it is really yours to continue to hold. Little by little we can build the confidence, boundaries and clarity which allow you to live more freely and fully – and to be you, yourself.
You Do Not Need to Justify the Life You Want
You do not owe anyone an explanation for doing what is right for you. Whether it is how you dress, who you love, the job you choose or the way you spend your free time – it is enough that it matters to you. We are not here to be palatable, to perform or to shrink. We are here to be real. Whole. Human.
A Gentle Reminder
If you are feeling the pull to change something, to reclaim something, to finally let yourself be who you are – why not follow it? You do not need permission
The life you want is not selfish or silly. It is sacred. It is yours.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a structured, evidence-based psychological treatment that has been shown to help with a wide range of difficulties, including depression, anxiety, stress, low self-esteem and relationship challenges.
Originally developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Dr Aaron T. Beck, CBT supports people in building practical skills to manage distressing thoughts, behaviours and emotions. Rather than focusing on short-term relief alone, CBT promotes long-term improvements in wellbeing. Over the years, contributions from clinicians such as Dr Judith Beck have helped refine and expand the approach globally.
At the heart of CBT is the understanding that our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and behaviours are interconnected. By identifying and changing unhelpful patterns, people can experience meaningful and lasting improvements in mental health and overall quality of life.
How CBT Can Help
CBT can support a wide range of everyday difficulties, including:
Low mood or lack of motivation You might feel flat, stuck or just not like yourself. CBT helps you notice unhelpful thinking patterns and gently shift them, while reconnecting with things that bring energy and meaning.
Overthinking and worry If your mind feels constantly busy or you’re always anticipating the worst, CBT offers tools to calm that mental noise and reduce overwhelm.
Stress and burnout Whether it’s work, family or life in general, CBT helps build healthier coping strategies, establish boundaries and restore a sense of control.
Confidence and self-esteem If you’re your own worst critic, CBT can help you challenge harsh self-judgements and build a more compassionate, balanced self-view.
Relationship or communication difficulties CBT can support you in recognising patterns, managing emotional triggers, and communicating more clearly in your personal or professional life.
General anxiety or unease Sometimes anxiety appears without a clear cause. CBT offers tools to manage physical symptoms and develop a greater sense of calm and stability.
What to Expect from CBT
CBT is always tailored to an individual’s specific needs and goals. Treatment typically lasts between 6 and 26 sessions, depending on the nature and severity of the issue. Sessions are structured, collaborative and goal-focused, with regular progress reviews. A key aim is to equip you with lifelong tools to manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviours beyond therapy.
While Cognitive Behavioural Therapy forms a strong foundation of my approach, I am not a strict CBT therapist. I also integrate elements of talking therapy to offer a warm, relational space that suits each person’s unique needs and preferences.
Appointments and Fees
As of January 2025, I offer both in-person and online CBT sessions. Each 50-minute appointment is €80.00
aking the First Step
If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed or stuck in low mood, CBT offers evidence-based support and practical tools to help you regain your balance. Taking that first step can feel daunting but it’s often the most important one toward building a more fulfilling life.
If you’d like to book an initial consultation or ask a question, please feel free to get in touch. I offer counselling and psychotherapy in Cork city and online and I’d be happy to hear from you.
Psychological and Philosophical Razors: Simplifying Life’s Complexities
In psychology and philosophy, “razors” are principles or mental shortcuts designed to simplify our decisions and explanations. While they originated in philosophy, many razors are relevant to human behaviour, helping us think critically, navigate uncertainty and improve relationships.
Razors are practical tools that clarify and guide our decisions and interactions. They offer clear rules of thumb to cut through overthinking, focus on what matters and simplify the complexities of life.
Here’s how some key razors influence how we live:
Occam’s Razor is the principle that the simplest explanation is usually the best. It’s a wonderful tool for understanding behaviour. For instance, if someone seems anxious, the simplest explanation might be that they’re dealing with a stressful life event rather than assuming a more complex explanation. When my car won’t start, Occam’s Razor suggests it’s likely the battery, not engine failure. This razor reminds us to seek simple, likely answers (rather than overcomplicating things).
The Golden Razor encourages us to live by the principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s an ideal rule for relationships or therapy because it highlights the importance of empathy and fairness. Whether navigating a conflict or supporting someone struggling, treating others with kindness nurtures harmony and improves mental health.
Hanlon’s Razor is a favourite of mine! It advises never to attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance or incompetence. This razor has been a lifesaver for me in interpreting behaviour. For example, if someone forgets your birthday, it’s more likely they’re busy/distracted than intentionally uncaring. Hanlon’s Razor can transform how we view others by reducing hostility and fostering understanding.
Hitchens’s Razor sharpens critical thinking with its principle: “What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.” I love how this razor encourages scepticism and rationality. For example, if someone claims they’re the Queen of Sheba without evidence, the claim holds no weight. Using Hitchens’s Razor helps us challenge unsupported beliefs and rethink assumptions.
Grice’s Razor is a great communication tool. It advises us to take others at their word without overthinking their motives or feelings. If someone says, “I’ll be late,” Grice’s Razor reminds us not to overthink the why/reasons, like assuming avoidance/anger – and accept they’re just running late. It’s a wonderful way to reduce tension and foster clearer understanding.
Parkinson’s Law of Trivialityhighlights our tendency to focus on minor details to avoid bigger, more challenging tasks. When I find myself cleaning instead of working on a college assignment, it shows I’m procrastinating! Recognising this behaviour can help us redirect energy towards what really matters.
Hume’s Guillotine reminds us that just because something exists doesn’t mean it should. Stress, for example, is a natural response, but it doesn’t mean we should live with chronic stress – that calls for intervention. Similarly, interruptions at work don’t need to be passively accepted – many can be addressed and improved.
Razors, whether philosophical or psychological, aren’t just abstract concepts. They’re tools for simplifying decisions and fostering better relationships. For me, they’re invaluable in finding balance.and I hope you find them helpful too!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Anxious Attachment
Anxious Attachment: Navigating Relationships (3)
Understanding how anxious attachment influences relationships is essential for fostering personal growth, emotional resilience and healthy connections. Anxious attachment, rooted in early childhood experiences, shapes how we approach intimacy, trust and communication. With insight and intentional effort, individuals can work toward more secure and fulfilling relationships.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is characterised by a deep fear of abandonment and an intense need for closeness and reassurance. This attachment style often develops in response to inconsistent caregiving during childhood. When care and affection are unpredictable, individuals may grow to expect rejection or inconsistency, fostering a heightened sensitivity to relational dynamics and a persistent need for validation.
Characteristics of Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment often exhibit emotional patterns such as a fear of being left or unloved, an intense craving for reassurance and hyper-vigilance regarding their partner’s actions and moods. They may struggle to regulate emotions, often feeling overwhelmed by jealousy, anxiety, or neediness. These tendencies, while challenging, stem from a deep capacity for emotional connection and the desire for intimacy.
How Anxious Attachment Affects Relationships
Anxious attachment can create cycles of seeking closeness while simultaneously fearing rejection. These patterns may lead to misunderstandings or strain in relationships, as the need for reassurance can be misinterpreted as clinginess. This dynamic can cause frustration or distance between partners. However, with understanding and clear communication, individuals with anxious attachment can foster meaningful and connected relationships.
Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Anxious Attachment
Addressing anxious attachment begins with self-awareness and a commitment to growth. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore past experiences, process emotions and identify attachment-related patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, help individuals manage emotional reactions and increase self-awareness. Building self-worth through affirmations and self-compassion reduces reliance on external validation and empowers individuals to feel more secure. Clear, open communication with partners fosters mutual understanding and trust, paving the way for a healthier relational dynamic.
The Path Towards Secure Relationships
Healing anxious attachment is possible with patience, self-compassion and intentional growth. By understanding its roots and challenges, individuals can create stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Therapy, mindfulness practices and supportive connections are valuable tools for transforming the fear of abandonment into a foundation of trust and emotional stability.
Why It Matters
Recognising and addressing anxious attachment can improve emotional regulation, strengthen relationships and build self-worth. As trust and intimacy deepen, individuals often experience reduced anxiety and increased confidence in their relational abilities. The journey toward secure attachment transforms both personal connections and overall emotional well-being.
Take the First Step Today
Anxious attachment offers both challenges and opportunities for growth. You can move toward a more secure attachment style by embracing self-awareness and fostering supportive relationships. If this resonates with you, explore our additional resources or contact us for professional guidance. Together, we can help you unlock the potential for balanced, meaningful relationships.
For more insights on attachment theory and emotional health, visit the blog at www.carolinecrotty.ie
Attachment Styles
Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Self-Discovery (2)
Google has made access to information astonishingly easy. While not all of the information is accurate or from reputable sources, it’s evident that we live in a world with knowledge at our fingertips – literally. In my experience, there’s recently been a surge of interest in attachment styles and how they shape romantic relationships. It’s tempting to trace everything back to our parents and assign blame for who we are today. However, at some point, we must take responsibility for our own growth, learning how to understand and manage our reactions.
Attachment styles are a cornerstone of psychology, offering valuable insights into how we connect and relate to others. Rooted in early childhood experiences with our caregivers, these patterns shape our adult relationships, influencing how we approach intimacy, handle conflict, and express our wants/needs/desires.
Understanding our attachment style can be a transformative step towards greater self-awareness and personal growth.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory identifies four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These styles are shaped by the responsiveness and consistency of caregiving in childhood. Click on the links to read more about the four attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment: Inconsistent caregiving can lead to this style, where adults crave closeness but fear rejection, often resulting in insecurity or over-dependence.
Avoidant Attachment: Emotionally distant caregiving may foster this style, where individuals value independence but struggle with vulnerability and trust.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Often linked to trauma or neglect, this style combines anxious and avoidant traits. Adults with this style may desire connection yet fear intimacy, creating a push-pull relationship dynamic.
Secure Attachment: This develops from reliable and loving caregiving. Adults with this style often trust easily, communicate openly and balance intimacy with independence.
Why Understanding Attachment Styles Matters
Our attachment style significantly shapes our emotions, behaviours and dynamics within our relationships. Recognising the influence of attachment can lead to profound changes in how we relate to others and ourselves.
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand how our past experiences influence our current relationships.
Improve Communication: Learn to identify and express our needs clearly and explicitly.
Develop Healthier Relationships: Address limiting behaviours and build trust.
Foster Personal Growth: Break cycles of insecurity or avoidance that hold us back.
Even small insights can make a difference to us and our relationships. For instance, understanding the spotlight effect, which is the tendency to overestimate how much others notice or judge our actions, can help alleviate insecurities tied to attachment anxiety. There’s a post about the spotlight effect here.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
The lovely news is that attachment styles are not fixed. We can move towards a secure attachment style with effort, intention, and the right tools. We are not cast in stone. It won’t happen overnight, but change is possible. Therapy is one of the most effective pathways for unpacking unresolved emotions and building healthier relational patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling, can enhance emotional regulation, helping to manage our responses in challenging situations. Building secure connections with supportive, trustworthy people can provide a model for healthier relationships. Regular self-reflection is also essential – examining our relational behaviours and beliefs allows us to identify what needs to change. However, insight alone isn’t enough; action is key. Awareness without effort is a missed opportunity for growth.
Practical Tips for Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Self-awareness and consistent effort can guide you toward healthier connections. Reflect on how your early experiences influenced your relationships today. Practice open and honest communication with loved ones, challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with balanced perspectives. Learn to set and respect boundaries, ensuring that your and others’ needs are harmonised. Seek professional guidance if unresolved trauma or recurring issues continue to affect your relationships.
Surround yourself with emotionally available and supportive individuals who model the connections you want to foster. Finally, prioritise self-care to maintain emotional stability—including activities like regular exercise, adequate sleep, or hobbies that bring you joy and peace.
No Labels, Just Awareness!
Understanding your attachment style is not about labelling yourself or labelling others. It’s about recognising patterns and taking actionable steps toward forming healthier connections. With awareness and intention, you can transform how you relate to others and, more importantly, how you relate to yourself.
Further Reading
For those keen to explore further into attachment styles, here are some resources to explore:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen
Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson
Becoming Attached by Robert Karen
Each offers tools and insights for understanding attachment and fostering personal growth.
For more on related topics, check out the blog post here.
Take the First Step Today
You may reflect on your attachment style and consider how it has shaped your current and past connections and relationships. Personal growth and introspection is a lifelong journey. Every little step towards self-knowledge counts as progress in life. By embracing your awareness of self, introspection and taking intentional actions, you can create (and improve) relationships so they are healthier, more fulfilling, and grounded in trust and connection.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Attachment Intro
Attachment Intro (1)
As many know, I work with adolescents and adults, offering in-person and online therapy (I prefer to work online only with adults). My work fills me with a profound sense of purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy instead of the Sunday night dread many describe. I’ll always be indebted to my friend JQ, who encouraged me to pursue the counselling and psychotherapy course that led me here.
My work is a privilege. Each day, I am invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths, and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life – or an expert in any sense. I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask reasoned questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. In truth, I learn as much from my clients as they (hopefully) learn from me. Each session offers new insights – sometimes factual, other times fascinating.
Family Dynamics and Their Impact
Family dynamics frequently emerge as a central theme in therapy. Many of my clients have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. Others grapple with strained or unconventional family relationships that profoundly shape their emotional responses and worldviews. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold immense potential for healing and growth. When repairing family ties isn’t possible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can provide the same sense of support and connection.
A Growing Interest in Attachment Styles
Recently, many of my clients have shown a keen interest in attachment styles. They’ve explored online resources to better understand their relationships and how childhood experiences have shaped their approaches to intimacy, trust and conflict. Some feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away, a dynamic that can leave them feeling confused and frustrated, which is why they end up in a room with me – to try to make sense of it all.
Relationships, while deeply rewarding, can be complex and sometimes overwhelming. For individuals who haven’t experienced consistent love or reassurance during childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can feel daunting. There are various attachment types. This is not a new discovery and has been exmined by John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s theories with the “Strange Situation” experiments conducted in the 1970s. Mary Main and others in the 1980s further refined attachment theory by introducing disorganised attachment, expanding its application to include adult attachment and the intergenerational transmission of attachment styles. So, there is much to know. It’s not exactly new, but as humans, we like to know the ‘why’!
I’ve written about four attachment styles in general here. This is where therapy provides a safe and objective space to explore these patterns, improve communication, and work toward meaningful change.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding our relational patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness, and balanced interdependence.
Secure attachment is formed in early childhood through consistent, emotionally available caregiving. When caregivers respond reliably to a child’s needs, provide comfort, and encourage exploration, the child develops a sense of safety and trust. This foundation fosters emotional regulation, resilience and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships later in life. Secure attachment emerges from predictable, supportive interactions that teach the child they are valued and their needs will be met. Individuals with secure attachment thrive in relationships while maintaining independence. They regulate emotions effectively, sustain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many aspire to cultivate this style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect, where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal conflict about seeking connection. Without consistent emotional safety, the child grows up with patterns of fear, mistrust, and push-pull dynamics in relationships.
In adulthood, this attachment style is paradoxical. People crave intimacy but simultaneously fear and distrust it, creating cycles of closeness and withdrawal: “I need you… Now you’re too much… I need space… Wait, I want you again.” These cycles make it challenging to establish stability and trust in relationships.
Anxious attachment often begins in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A child may experience love and attention at times but be ignored or dismissed at other times. This unpredictability fosters insecurity, making the child hyperaware of relationships and deeply fearful of abandonment – a pattern that often persists into adulthood.
Adults with anxious attachment frequently fear rejection and seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with self-worth and rely on their partners for validation, often becoming preoccupied with their partner’s emotions or behaviours. This hypervigilance can create cycles of insecurity and strain in relationships, even though their deep capacity for connection is a strength.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. Children suppress their emotions and build self-reliance to protect themselves from rejection or unmet needs. This pattern often translates into an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. Adults with avoidant attachment strongly emphasise independence, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. While they may desire connection, their fear of dependence or being hurt leads them to create emotional distance. This self-protective behaviour can leave partners feeling neglected or unloved, even when care exists.
The Path to Change
While attachment styles often originate in childhood, they are not fixed. Individuals can move toward a secure attachment style with awareness, effort, and support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore and challenge these patterns, helping people navigate relationships with greater confidence and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
A New Year
Breaking Free: Forgiving Yourself, Letting Go and Moving Forward
A Fresh Start for the New Year
The beginning of a new year brings a unique opportunity for reflection, renewal and recommitment to yourself. It’s a time to release the past year’s mistakes, regrets and challenges – especially those that linger in your mind. Whether they involve relationships, finances, self-discipline, or personal struggles, now is the time to embrace hope, self-care and fresh possibilities. This transition into 2025 encourages you to create positive habits, focus on manageable self-care routines and build momentum for lasting meaningful change.
The Power of Self-Forgiveness
Mistakes are a natural part of life, shaping who we are and teaching valuable lessons. Yet, the weight of past mistakes often holds us back, overshadowing joy and progress. Self-forgiveness is essential for moving forward. It starts with acknowledging your mistake, facing it with honesty, and understanding that it doesn’t define your self-worth. Mistakes are part of being human, not a reflection of your value. Every human has made mistakes. It is part of being human, not a reflection of your value.
Turning Mistakes into Lessons
Mistakes can become powerful tools for growth if we reflect on them. By examining what went wrong and identifying the circumstances that led to it, we can make better choices in the future. This transformation – from failure to opportunity for learning – allows you to approach the new year with confidence and clarity.
Letting Go of the Past
Once you’ve taken responsibility, learned from your mistakes, and embraced self-forgiveness, it’s time to let go. Holding onto guilt and shame only keeps you stuck in the past. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, it means releasing the hold your mistakes have on you. Techniques like journaling, mindfulness, or visualising the weight being lifted can help anchor you in the present and propel you into the new year with hope and purpose.
Building Positive Habits
To avoid repeating past mistakes, focus on creating habits that align with your values. Address patterns that contributed to challenges and surround yourself with supportive, encouraging people. Small, consistent actions are the foundation for lasting change. Each step forward strengthens your commitment to personal growth and sets the tone for a fulfilling year.
Reframing Guilt and Shame
Guilt can motivate change, but prolonged guilt and shame are destructive. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, take the learning. Practice self-compassion, replacing self-criticism with kindness. Remind yourself of your progress and the potential the new year holds. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend in a similar situation – you deserve it.
Looking to the Future
Focusing on the opportunities ahead shifts your energy from regret to purpose. Set intentions for the new year and take small, meaningful steps toward your goals. Each action builds momentum, enabling you to create a fulfilling and empowered life. Mistakes are part of the past, and they don’t have to dictate your future.
Seeking Support When Needed
If the weight of past mistakes feels overwhelming, seeking support from a therapist can be transformative. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental place where you can explore emotions, process the past and find healthy ways to move forward. The right therapist will have heard it all before – it’s hard to shock us! Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and a step towards freedom from the weight of carrying history.
A Year of Growth and Renewal
The new year offers an opportunity to release the burdens of the past and step into a brighter, more compassionate future. Mistakes are not part of you – they shape you, but they are not who you are. Each bump in the road carries the potential to make you stronger, wiser and more understanding. You can create a year of healing and thrive by practising self-forgiveness, learning from your experiences, and focusing on personal growth.
Take one small step today. Write a positive intention, speak a kind word to yourself, or allow yourself to let go of the mental replay of a past mistake, even for just an hour. Start small, stay consistent, and give yourself permission to move forward. You deserve to live a life free from the weight of guilt and full of hope and possibility.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
50 Lessons for 2025
50 Lessons for 2025
Whenever I hear the word “lesson,” it might bring to mind school homework but here, it takes on a different meaning. The lessons in this collection are about learning from the following suggestions and gaining new insights that can shape your perspective and behaviour.
This set of 50 lessons is designed to inspire growth, cultivate balance and help you thrive across all areas of life – personal development, health, relationships and financial wellbeing. Each reminder gently nudges you towards living with purpose and intention, offering practical steps to embrace change, nurture self-care and build meaningful connections. Let these lessons guide you to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life ahead.
Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Prioritise progress over perfection.
Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
Celebrate little wins because they lead to more significant victories.
Replace comparison with self-reflection and introspection.
Set realistic and actionable goals.
Invest in lifelong learning – read, undertake courses and be curious.
Let go of toxic relationships that drain your energy.
Spend time in nature – it’s therapeutic.
Focus on whatever you can control; let go of whatever you cannot.
Create a self-care routine and stick to it regardless.
Safeguard Relationships
Surround yourself with people who are easy to be with and inspire you.
Practice active listening in all conversations.
Express gratitude to those you care about (tell them).
Apologise whenever you are wrong; humility strengthens relationships.
Set boundaries to protect your time and energy.
Remember that it’s okay to outgrow people.
Be the friend you wish to have.
Share your time, not just material gifts, with loved ones.
Avoid assumptions; ask questions instead.
Acknowledge and celebrate others’ successes.
Improve Health and Fitness
Move your body daily, even if it’s just a short, quick walk.
Stay hydrated with water – it’s simple but transformative.
Prioritise sleep; it’s foundational to good health.
Eat for nourishment and nurturing, not convenience.
Find a form of exercise you enjoy and do it!
Limit screen time, particularly before bed.
Undertake regular health check-ups.
Pay attention to your body and rest when needed. Move as often as you can.
Limit alcohol and processed foods.
Make stretching or yoga a daily practice in 2025
Develop Financial Literacy
Create a budget, then stick to it.
Try to save a percentage of your income.
Pay off high-interest debt as quickly as possible.
Learn to distinguish between needs and wants.
Invest in experiences, not stuff.
Build an emergency fund for unexpected events.
Avoid comparing your financial situation to others. (Avoid comparing your anything with anyone else’s).
Become financially literate – teach yourself about personal finance and investing.
Plan for long-term goals. Think about your retirement or a dream purchase.
Donate and/or volunteer to causes that align with your values.
These reminders can guide you towards a healthier, happier and more purposeful year ahead. Which resonates most with you? Which will you put into practice today?
Wishing you joy, love, please, health and great contentment this year.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
You Are Enough
You Are Enough
Throughout my years of working with people from all walks of life, one truth has become abundantly clear: we are often our own harshest critics. Time and again, I meet people weighed down by self-doubt, lost in comparisons, and questioning their sense of worth. But here’s a fact I wish you would hold on to today: you are enough, exactly as you are.
The Perfectionism Trap
We live in a world that often equates worth with achievement, appearance, or success. This can lead to the exhausting pursuit of perfection – an unattainable goal. Whether striving to be the best at work, the fittest in your gym, or the most engaging person at a party, perfectionism keeps us in a constant state of “not good enough.”
The reality is that perfection isn’t what connects us as humans. Vulnerability, authenticity and kindness are far more powerful. Allowing yourself to be imperfect not only lifts the weight of unrealistic expectations but also invites deeper connections with others who see and accept you for who you really are.
You Are Not Your Mistakes
It’s natural to make mistakes. We all do. Yet, many of us cling to our failures as evidence that we’re not worthy or capable. We say all sorts of terrible things to ourselves when we get something wrong. Some mistakes have more significant consequences; however, we need to be able to accept that we are human. But what if mistakes were viewed very differently? Instead of considering them massive failures, we could reframe them as opportunities for learning. Each stumble is a step forward, a chance to grow and a reminder that you’re trying – that’s something to be proud of. Even if you don’t like the outcome – you were willing to take a chance.
The Comparison Illusion
One of the biggest culprits of self-doubt is comparison. Social media makes it easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to others’ fake highlight reels. But you’re comparing your behind-the-scenes real life to someone else’s polished production. What you don’t see are their struggles, doubts and fears – people on social media well, they’re human, just like you.
Instead of measuring yourself against online personalities, turn your focus inwards. Celebrate your progress, however small, and honour your journey. It’s unique and worthy of praise. I even go so far as to say it’s worthy of feeling pride!
What Matters
At the end of the day (said like Roy Keane), it’s not the number of promotions, likes, acknowledgements or accolades you receive on social media that define your sense of worth. What matters are the moments of kindness you’ve shown towards others, the resilience you’ve demonstrated in getting through the hardships in your life, and the relationships you’ve nurtured. Your worth is not tied to what you do; you are not your job; your self-worth is inherent in who you are.
Self-Compassion
If you take one thing away from this blog post – treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a dear friend. When self-critical thoughts creep in, ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” The answer is definitely ‘no’. You’d be so kind and supportive to someone else, so please offer yourself the same grace and support.
Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend you do every night! Write down one thing you really liked or appreciated about yourself that day. It could be as simple as “I handled a stressful situation well”, “I smiled at a stranger and made their day better”, or “I held a door open for someone, and I know they felt seen”. Over time, you’ll notice and appreciate your strengths and kindness towards others.
You Are Enough
Remember, you are not defined by your productivity, appearance, or accolades. You are enough because of your humanity, effort and unique place in this world. The world would not be the same if you were never born or not here right now. If today feels hard, know that it’s okay to pause, breathe and just be. Tomorrow is a new day. You don’t have to be perfect; you have to be yourself.
If self-doubt feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor or a peer support group or maybe now is the time to attend an AA or NA meeting – I suspect it might not do any harm to see what one is like! Sometimes, having someone to guide you through the noise of self-criticism can make a huge difference. You are worthy of support, joy and peace of mind. You’re also deserving of the love that you give others.
Have you ever spilt coffee on your top in a meeting or stumbled over a word during a presentation and felt like all eyes were on you? Or maybe you wore mismatched socks to a party and were certain everyone noticed. This phenomenon, where we believe our actions or appearance are under intense scrutiny, is referred to as the “spotlight effect”. We tend to overestimate how much other people notice and remember our actions. The reality is that most people are far too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinise ours!
Understanding the spotlight effect can help free us from its grip and also help us navigate social situations with greater confidence and self-compassion.
What Is the Spotlight Effect? A Cognitive Bias Explained
The term “spotlight effect” was coined in social psychology and refers to our inflated perception of how much others notice and remember our actions or appearance. This cognitive bias arises because we are so immersed in our own experiences that it becomes challenging to step outside of ourselves and consider the limited perspective of others. In essence, we are the main characters in our own stories, and we assume others are equally focused on us.
Research backs this up. In a well-known study*, participants were asked to wear embarrassing t-shirts to a social gathering. When later asked to estimate how many people noticed the shirts, participants consistently overestimated the number. The reality was that most people either didn’t notice or quickly forgot. This demonstrates a key truth: most people are too preoccupied with their own concerns to dwell on others’ mistakes or quirks.
Why We Feel Like Everyone Is Watching
Evolutionarily, being attuned to others’ opinions had survival benefits. In early human societies, social cohesion was critical, and being aware of others’ judgments helped maintain harmony. However, in modern times, this tendency can become exaggerated, leading to unnecessary anxiety and self-consciousness.
Certain factors can intensify the spotlight effect. Social anxiety, for instance, can heighten the sense that you’re being judged. Perfectionism also plays a role, as individuals who set excessively high standards for themselves are more likely to fear others’ negative evaluations. Additionally, the rise of social media has amplified the spotlight effect by creating platforms where we feel constantly visible.
The Psychological Cost of Living Under the Spotlight
Living under the illusion of the spotlight effect can take a toll on mental health. It contributes to feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, and even shame. Many clients describe avoiding certain situations because they fear judgment or ridicule. For example, someone might decline public speaking opportunities because they believe any minor slip-up will be remembered and judged harshly.
Over time, this avoidance can erode self-confidence and limit personal growth. It’s important to recognise that while the spotlight effect may feel real, it is often just a mental construct that can be dismantled with the right strategies.
Breaking Free: Strategies to Overcome the Spotlight Effect
Fortunately, the spotlight effect is a mental construct, and there are practical ways to dismantle it. Here are some strategies to help you break free from its grip.
Reframe Your Perspective: Remind yourself that most people focus on themselves. For example, when you feel self-conscious, ask yourself, “How often do I notice or remember minor mistakes others make?” The answer is prob, “Not often,” and the same applies to you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for perceived mistakes, treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. Acknowledge that imperfection is a natural part of being human.
Shift the Focus: Redirect your attention outward. Engage with others and ask questions. Focus on what’s going on around you rather than your internal narrative. This can help break the cycle of self-conscious thoughts.
Embrace Exposure: Gradual exposure to situations that trigger the spotlight effect can help you build resilience. For instance, if you’re anxious about public speaking, start with smaller, low-stakes audiences and work your way up. You migth start by speaking during a small group gathering at work or with friends. Practice giving a toast at a family event; volunteer to present in some informal setting, such as a book club.
Limit Social Media Consumption: Social media can magnify the spotlight effect by presenting idealised versions of others’ lives. Taking regular breaks from social media or adjusting your algorithm to prioritise positive, authentic and realistic content can significantly reduce its impact on your mental well-being.
Moving Beyond the Spotlight: Understanding the spotlight effect is a powerful way to start freeing yourself from its grasp. It’s a reminder that we are all navigating our own challenges and that others’ attention is not focused on us as often as we imagine. By shifting your mindset and practicing self-compassion, you can reduce feelings of self-consciousness.
Many people learn how to free themselves from the pressure of an imaginary spotlight. They embrace challenges, deepen relationships and can live authentically. You can, too.
If this resonates with you, perhaps you might apply one of the strategies today. If the spotlight effect is limiting your potential then consider talking to a mental health professional. The world isn’t watching as closely as you think. You deserve to live fully, freely and authentically.
*Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Set Intentions
Forget Resolutions: Set Intentions for 2025 Instead
As the new year begins, many of us feel pressured to create a long list of resolutions – big, bold promises about improving ourselves in 2025. But let’s be honest: how often do we stick to our New Year’s resolutions? Instead of setting yourself up with rigid goals, why not try a gentler and more meaningful approach this year? Set intentions.
Why Intentions Work
Intentions are different from New Year’s resolutions. Instead of focusing on specific outcomes (“lose 5 kgs in three months” or “save money”), intentions focus on how we want to live and how we want to feel. They’re less about achieving (or failing) and more about aligning with our values.
Unlike resolutions, which can leave us feeling like a failure when we don’t hit our target, intentions are adaptable. They grow with us as the year unfolds, helping us stay connected to what matters most.
How to Set Intentions
Identify Your Values
What’s most important to you? Connection, personal growth, balance, adventure? Whether it’s health, happiness, relationships or creativity, your intentions should reflect your core values.
Focus on Feelings, Not Results
Instead of saying, “I’ll exercise five days a week,” try, “I’ll care for my body and enjoy moving it.” This keeps the focus on how you want to feel rather than setting a rigid expectation.
Keep It Positive
Frame intentions as things you’re inviting into your life, like “I’ll welcome more peace into my days,” instead of focusing on what you want to avoid.
Write Down Intentions
Keep your intentions visible to stay connected to them. Put them on your fridge, make them your phone wallpaper, or stick a note on your mirror.
Examples to Inspire You
“I’ll make time for the people who matter most”
“I’ll find moments of calm in my everyday life”
“I’ll enjoy movement and celebrate my body’s strength.”
“I’ll take small, steady steps towards a healthier, happier me.”
“I’ll pay attention and celebrate the little wins”
The Beauty of Intentions
The beauty of setting intentions is that there’s no pressure to “get it right.” Intentions are a gentle reminder of what’s important and how you want to approach your life—they’re not a strict rulebook. They help you stay grounded in your values and guide you in making choices that feel authentic and fulfilling.
So, as you welcome 2025, give yourself permission to step away from strict resolutions. Instead, set intentions that inspire and guide you. Let this year be one of mindfulness, growth, and joy.
Step into 2025 with a fresh approach- ditch rigid New Year’s resolutions and embrace mindful intentions. Discover how setting intentions can help you live in alignment with your values, focus on what really matters most to you and make this year one of growth, joy and authenticity.
Here’s to a meaningful 2025!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Implementation Intentions
Implementation Intentions
The Science-Backed Way to Stick with Your Goals
Do you find it easy to start things but difficult to stick with them? Whether it’s a report, a new routine, or a healthy habit, implementation intentions can help turn good intentions into consistent action. Implementation intentions are a psychological strategy designed to bridge the gap between goals and actions.
By creating clear if-then plans you can link specific cues (“if”) to intentional behaviours (“then”), making it easier to take consistent steps toward your objectives. Psychologist Dr Peter Gollwitzer developed the concept to help people follow through on their goals. Research shows implementation intentions can significantly increase success rates across a wide range of behaviours.
Why “If-Then” Plans Work
Pre-Deciding Actions: You eliminate the need to decide in the moment by linking a trigger to a pre-set action. This saves mental energy and helps you act automatically.
Triggering Immediate Action: The “if” acts as a cue to carry out the “then” behaviour which helps you spot the right moment to take action.
Creating Specificity: Clear plans reduce ambiguity. Instead of thinking, “Maybe I should start working on my report,” you now have a direct instruction: “If I open my laptop, then I will write the first paragraph of the report.”
How to Create an Effective If-Then Plan
1. Identify the Cue (“If”)
Choose something specific and regular – a time, place or event in your routine: “If I sit at my desk, then I will open my notebook to plan my day.”
2. Define the Action (“Then”)
Pick a small, clear action directly linked to your goal:
“If I open my laptop, then I will write one sentence of my report.”
“If I walk into the kitchen, then I will fill my water bottle.”
“If I check my phone, then I will spend five minutes replying to important messages.”
3. Keep the Plan Realistic
Start small and manageable. Simplicity increases follow-through and builds momentum.
Examples of “If-Then” Plans
Productivity: “If I sit at my desk after breakfast, then I will spend 10 minutes organising my day.”
Exercise: “If I put on my trainers, then I will stretch for five minutes.”
Healthy Eating: “If I feel the urge to snack, then I will drink a glass of water first.”
Self-Care: “If I finish work at 17.00, then I will read a book for 20 minutes.”
These small, specific actions can form the foundation of lasting habits.
Why They’re Effective
Reduces Decision Paralysis: You skip the debate and know what to do next.
Builds Habits Through Repetition: Linking the same “if” to the same “then” strengthens the behaviour.
Increases Accountability: If the “if” happens but the “then” doesn’t, you notice and can adjust.
Overcoming Common Challenges
If It Feels Overwhelming: Start with one if-then plan today. Small steps lead to big change (baby steps in the right direction).
If You Miss the Cue: Choose a more regular activity or use reminders.
If You Don’t Feel Motivated: Motivation isn’t needed — the plan handles that. Focus on execution, not emotion.
Ready to Try?
By using “if-then” plans, you can simplify decisions, create structure and move from goals to action. Which small habit could you start today? Why not write one “if-then” plan now and see how powerful it can be.
There’s a difference between someone loving you and you loving someone. While both involve care, affection, and connection, they come from different sources and serve distinct emotional needs.
Someone Loving You
When someone loves you, you are the recipient of their affection. This love can make you feel validated, cared for, and supported. It nurtures your self-worth and offers a sense of belonging. However, the love you receive from others, while wonderful, is not something you can control or create – it is an external source of emotional nourishment.
While being loved by someone else can enhance your happiness, it cannot fill the void if you lack a strong foundation of self-love. Relying solely on external love can lead to dependency, insecurity or disappointment when that love doesn’t meet all your emotional needs.
You Loving Someone
On the other hand, loving someone comes from your inner capacity to give affection, care and emotional support. This love is an expression of who you are and what you value. However, loving someone else should be rooted in a healthy understanding and love for yourself. Without self-love, your love for others may become imbalanced, leading to over-giving, people-pleasing, or losing yourself in the relationship while seeking external validation or approval.
Challenges with Giving or Receiving Love
If you struggle to give or receive love, you are not alone. Many people face barriers because of past experiences, trust issues, or deeply held beliefs about themselves and others. For example, loving and being loved require vulnerability, which can feel overwhelming if you’ve been hurt in the past. Opening up can feel risky, but starting small – like sharing your feelings with a trusted friend.- can help you build confidence in showing your true self.
Low self-worth can make it difficult to accept love. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of affection, you may unconsciously block love from others. Working on affirming your worth through self-reflective practices, positive self-talk, or therapy can help you rebuild this belief. Similarly, trust issues from past betrayals may make you hesitate to rely on others emotionally. Trust takes time to build – allow people to demonstrate their reliability gradually.
For some people the challenge lies in over-sharing. If you constantly put others’ needs above your own, you may find yourself emotionally drained. This often stems from a desire to earn love rather than giving it freely. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to care for others without neglecting your own needs. Lastly, fear of rejection can prevent you from showing affection or receiving it. Shifting your focus to the act of giving love, rather than its outcome, can help you embrace love as a gift, not a transaction.
Why Loving Yourself First Is Key
Self-love is about recognising your worth, setting healthy boundaries and meeting your emotional needs. Without it, you may look to others to fill gaps in your self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy relationships or emotional burnout. When you cultivate self-love, you become less dependent on external validation because your sense of worth comes from within. You can set healthy boundaries that protect your energy and ensure that your relationships remain balanced. This self-respect also helps you choose healthier partnerships with people who value and respect you, rather than settling because of insecurity or fear of being alone.
Loving yourself allows you to give love freely. Instead of seeking validation or reciprocation, your love becomes an expression of abundance. You can show care and affection for others without losing yourself in the process, creating relationships that feel mutually fulfilling.
The Balance of Loving and Being Loved
True emotional fulfilment comes from a balance of loving and being loved. When you love yourself, you approach relationships from a healthy perspective, able to give and receive love without losing your sense of self. Relying solely on others for love and validation can lead to emotionally draining or imbalanced relationships. Loving yourself first is not selfish – it’s essential. By cultivating self-love, you create a strong foundation for future relationships, ensuring that the love you give and receive is healthy, authentic and enriching for both you and the other person.
Your revised section is thoughtful and inspiring, and it flows well. Here’s a slightly refined version to make it even more polished and engaging:
Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Capacity for Love
Start by practising self-kindness and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a close friend – offer encouragement, patience and understanding instead of harsh judgment. Gratitude is another powerful tool. By recognising the love and support already present in your life, even in small moments or gestures, you can shift your perspective and nurture a deeper sense of connection. Communication is equally vital. Openly expressing your feelings and needs fosters trust and strengthens relationships over time. Celebrate the progress you make and keep in mind htat every step you take towards giving or receiving love is an achievement. By acknowledging your growth, you build confidence and reinforce your ability to form meaningful, healthy connections. Love whether it’s self-love, giving love, or accepting it is a lifelong process. Take a deep breath, embrace who you are and trust in your ability to give and receive love. The most powerful relationship you’ll ever cultivate is the one you build with yourself.
Visit www.carolinecrotty.ie to discover more ways to nurture your emotional well-being and create a life filled with love, connection and self-acceptance.
Unlock Happiness and Find Calm
Unlock Happiness and Find Calm: Practical Tips to Transform Your Day
Happiness is often found in small, meaningful moments and when we combine that with mindfulness (i.e. being fully present in the here and now) well, then we’ve got the recipe for a more joyful, balanced life.
Here’s how you can make every day a little happier by being intentional:
Gratitude – Every day has something to celebrate, even if it’s as simple as a sunny morning or your first sip of coffee. Start a gratitude journal and jot down three things you’re thankful for each night. Watch as your mind shifts to focus on what’s going right in your life.
Connection – Happiness grows when shared. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while or invite someone for coffee. Building meaningful connections reminds you that you’re not alone in this big, beautiful world.
Spark Joy – What makes you feel alive? Whether it’s painting, playing music, hiking, or baking the perfect sourdough, carve out time for the things you love. Joy is contagious—especially when it starts with you.
Move – Focus on movement that elevates your mood. Dance in your kitchen, stroll in the park, or take a yoga class. Exercise isn’t just for your body, it’s a happiness boost for your brain.
Kindness – give to receive as the kindness come straight back! Pay for a stranger’s coffee, volunteer your time, or send an encouraging text. Helping others creates a ripple effect of positivity.
Mindfulness Made Easy: Be Present and Feel Peaceful
From the minute you wake, before checking your mobile phone, pause and set an intention for your day. Whether it’s “I’ll approach today with patience” or “I’ll find beauty in the ordinary,” this small intention can guide your mindset for the day that lies ahead.
Breathing slowly is a secret power. When life feels overwhelming, come back to your breath. Inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four then hold for four (this is called ‘box breathing). You’ll feel your stress melt away, one breath at a time.
Notice the Little Things
Ever paused to really listen to the sounds around you or sense the sun on your face? Try engaging your main senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) so you smell your tea, feel the lovely texture of your clothes, listen to the sound of your footsteps – all of this will bring you to living in the here and now.
Eat with Awareness Instead of mindlessly munching, savour your food. Notice the flavours, textures and all the aromas. Eating mindfully turns an everyday habit into an act of appreciation and joy.
Pay Attention
Think you’re saving time by juggling tasks? Think again. Give your full attention to one thing at a time, whether it’s a work project, a conversation, or even washing the dishes. It’s surprisingly freeing—and effective.
Blend Happiness and Mindfulness
Nature: Leave your phone at home or in the car and spend time in nature. Notice the rustling leaves, little chirping birds, or the way the sunlight breaks through the trees. Nature has a way of quieting your mind and lifting your spirit.
Meditate, Even if only for a few minutes. Use various social media apps like Calm or Headspace to help make mindfulness accessible even on your busiest days.
Journal: Spend a few minutes reflecting on your day—what brought you happiness, or what moment made you feel deeply connected to the present? Writing it down cements the experience and reminds you to look for more.
Happiness and mindfulness aren’t about perfection—they’re about showing up for yourself in small, meaningful ways. So take a deep breath, smile at the little victories, and remember: the life you want is built in the moments you create.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Letting Go of Unpleasant Memories
35 Tips to Let Go of Unpleasant Memories
Memories can be powerful. They shape who we are, provide lessons, and anchor us to moments of joy. But what happens when unpleasant memories hold us back from happiness? While it’s natural to dwell on challenging experiences, letting go is an art – something to be practised through practical techniques. Hereunder are 35 tips to release unpleasant memories and help you embrace happiness.
1. Reframe the Memory with a Narrative
Turn the unpleasant memory into a story of growth. Reflect on how it shaped your strengths or taught you resilience.
2. Practice Gratitude for the Negative
Gratitude isn’t just for good experiences. Thank the situation for the lessons it has taught you, shifting your focus from pain to growth.
3. Laugh at Your Past Self
Humour disarms pain. Laugh at the absurdity of the memory or create an exaggerated, comical version of the event.
4. Use the Doorframe Technique
When you walk through a door, mentally say, “I leave the past behind me.” This physical and mental cue helps compartmentalise and let go.
5. Visualise a “Memory Bank Withdrawal”
Imagine depositing your unpleasant memory in a mental “bank.” Withdraw it only when needed for reflection or learning.
6. Engage Your Sense of Smell
Certain scents can ground you in the present and create positive associations, overwriting negative feelings.
7. Name the Emotion, Not the Memory
Label the emotion the memory evokes—like anger or sadness—rather than focusing on the event. This creates emotional distance.
8. Create a Reverse Bucket List
Write a list of negative experiences you’ve overcome. This tangible reminder of your resilience can shift your perspective.
9. “Time Travel” Through Future Self-Compassion
Imagine your future self looking back at this moment with kindness, knowing it will feel less significant over time.
10. Touch Something Cold
Holding a cold object, like an ice cube, can interrupt negative thought loops and anchor you in the present.
11. Ask, “Will This Matter in Five Years?”
This question reframes your perspective, diminishing the event’s emotional intensity in the long term.
12. Deliberately Misremember the Memory
Reimagine the memory with an absurd or humorous twist to deflate its power over you.
13. Sing the Memory Away
Sing about the memory to a silly tune. This playful approach creates emotional distance and makes the memory less intimidating.
14. Assign the Memory to an Object
Choose an object to represent the memory. Bury, destroy, or throw it away as a symbolic act of release.
15. Backward Gratitude
Think about how the unpleasant event indirectly contributed to positive changes or growth in your life.
16. The Rubber Band Snap Technique
Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it gently when you catch yourself dwelling on the memory, breaking the thought loop.
17. Watch It as a Movie
Imagine the memory is a scene in a film. Seeing it as an outsider helps reduce emotional attachment.
18. Write a “Breakup Letter”
Write a letter to the memory as if it were a toxic relationship. Explain why you’re letting it go, then destroy the letter.
19. Create a Memory Jar
For every unpleasant memory, write a positive one and place it in a jar. Over time, the positive memories will outweigh the negative.
20. Time-Changing Meditation
Picture the memory dissolving, like sand washing away in the ocean, as you focus on the present moment.
21. Change Your Environment
Visit a new place. Novel surroundings stimulate your brain to focus on the now rather than the past.
22. Rewrite the Memory in Your Dreams
Before bed, visualise the memory but imagine a positive or absurd ending. This reshapes how your subconscious processes it.
23. Perform Tiny Acts of Kindness
Shift your energy by helping someone else. Kindness activates neural pathways for positive feelings and reduces personal distress.
24. Radical Acceptance
Repeat the mantra: “It happened. I can’t change it, but I can choose how I carry it.” Acceptance helps you let go of resistance.
25. Make Art
Paint, draw, or sculpt the memory. Externalizing it as art diminishes its emotional grip and lets you reframe it creatively.
26. Shake It Off
Physically shake your body for 1–2 minutes, mimicking how animals release stress. This resets your nervous system.
27. Savor Micro-Moments of Joy
Focus on small, positive experiences—like a warm breeze or a kind word. Research shows savoring micro-moments counteracts negativity.
28. Create a Letting Go Playlist
Put together songs that inspire resilience. Sing, dance or maybe even cry to help process emotions.
29. Speak to the Memory as a Child
Imagine the memory as a scared child. Offer it compassion and gently release it, acknowledging it no longer serves you.
30. Brain Dump
Write down every unpleasant thought that resurfaces throughout the day. Externalising everything on paper reduces its emotional weight.
31. Distract Yourself with Novelty
Learn a new skill, like knitting, cooking, or solving puzzles. Novel challenges shift focus and build new neural pathways
32. Guided Visualisation: The River
Picture yourself placing the memory on a leaf and watching it float downstream in a peaceful river.
33. Adopt Minimalist Thinking
Ask, “Does this thought serve me?” If not, visualise placing it in a mental “rubbish bin.”
34. Mirror Affirmations
Look in a mirror and say, “I deserve peace. The past cannot hurt me anymore.” Reinforcing this visually and audibly empowers release.
35. The 10 Deep Breaths Rule
When a memory resurfaces, take ten slow, deep breaths. This creates a pause and allows emotions to settle.
Happiness often lies not in avoiding unpleasant memories but in learning how to process and release them. These tips offer a toolkit to help you whenver npleasant memories or worried thought sprint up. Whether through humour, visualisation, or symbolic acts, the key is to experiment with techniques that resonate with you.
Letting go is not about erasing the past, it’s about reclaiming your present and building a future rooted in peace and joy.
Why You Might Feel Worse After a Therapy Session (and Why That’s Okay)
Have you ever left a therapy session feeling worse than when you started? If so, you’re not alone, which doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. This post explores why that might happen, what it means, and how to support yourself.
Therapy is often seen as a path to healing, growth and emotional wellbeing. But it’s not uncommon to feel worse before feeling better. Recently, a young man shared after our session that he expected to feel better but instead he actually felt worse. His experience inspired this blog – to explore why that can happen and to offer guidance for anyone feeling the same. I understand how disheartening it can be to leave a therapy session with heavy emotions still lingering and I hope to explain why it might happen.
Uncovering Deep-Seated Emotions
Therapy often involves exploring issues that have been buried for years. When emotions like grief, trauma or anger are brought to the surface, that can feel overwhelming. This emotional release is part of the healing process but it’s natural to feel discomfort as you begin to work through it.
Challenging Long-Held Beliefs
Talk therapy helps identify and gently challenge unhelpful thought patterns. Questioning beliefs that may have provided comfort or structure can feel destabilising. Letting go of familiar but limiting ways of thinking is a bit like learning a new instrument or changing your golf swing unfamiliar at first, but ultimately beneficial (or liberating).
Facing Difficult Realities
Therapy often brings clarity about relationships, behaviours or past experiences and that can sometimes feel painful. Recognising patterns that no longer serve you or facing truths you may have avoided can feel like waking a sleeping bear. Difficult, yes but necessary for meaningful change.
Between-Session Work
Many therapeutic approaches include between-session practices such as journaling, reflection or trying new behaviours. This can take emotional energy and mental space, which might feel exhausting especially when already managing a full and busy life.
Temporary Intensification of Symptoms
Sometimes, bringing difficult feelings into awareness may cause a short-term increase in sadness, anxiety or physical tension. These responses are part of emotional processing and often signal that important inner work is taking place – that change is happening.
Progress Takes Time
Therapy doesn’t provide instant answers. Frustration or disappointment can arise when change feels slower than expected. In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to hope for a quick fix, but therapy is about depth and that takes time.
Blockages and Defence Mechanisms
We all use defence mechanisms like denial, distraction or intellectualising to protect ourselves from emotional pain. Therapy can gently challenge these. When that happens, it may feel uncomfortable or even distressing, but working through these blockages is essential for healing and growth.
How to Support Yourself Between Sessions
Talk to Your Therapist
Be honest about how you’re feeling. Just like that young man mentioned how he was feeling to me – talk to your therapist who will want to understand your experience and can help you make sense of it. Sometimes people smile or laugh during sessions, even when discussing painful topics, using humour as a form of protection. But unless you say how you’re really feeling, your therapist might not know.
Practise Self-Compassion
Growth and change take time. Feeling unsettled does not mean you’re doing something wrong. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the effort you’re making. The work you’re doing matters.
Set Realistic Expectations
Therapy is rarely a straight path or linear. Celebrate small steps forward and know that setbacks are part of the process. Difficult conversations might need to be revisited more than once and that’s okay.
Build a Support System
Talk to trusted friends or confidential family members. Support outside of therapy appointments can help you to feel steadier and also remind you that you’re not going through this alone.
Engage in Self-Care
Take care of yourself in ways that feel nourishing and nurturing. Whether that’s going for a walk, listening to music, making a favourite meal or doing something creative – give yourself permission to slow down and regroup.
Evaluate the Therapeutic Fit
If you regularly leave counselling or psychotherapy sessions feeling worse and see no progress over time, it may be worth reflecting on whether the current therapeutic approach or therapist is the right fit. A conversation with your therapist can also help clarify this.
When to Seek Additional Support
If you feel overwhelmed between sessions, don’t wait in silence. Reach out to a trusted GP, crisis line or mental health professional. You are not alone and help is always available.
A Final Word
Feeling worse after therapy doesn’t mean you’re failing – it often means something important is shifting. Therapy asks you to be brave and honest which can stir up strong feelings. By naming those feelings, leaning into support and trusting the process, you’re laying the groundwork for lasting change.
Every step counts. Even when it’s hard, you’re moving forward. Be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Have you experienced mixed feelings during therapy? I’d love to hear how you felt after a session or what surprised you most. I’m very grateful to the young man who inspired this post by sharing his disappointment at feeling sad/flat/low after opening up.
If you’d like to explore therapy or learn more, please feel free to contact me.
