A new year, a new me! Really? I don’t know how many times we read and hear this phrase at the start of every new year. I even say it myself as I’m eating chocolates at breakfast time during the end of year holidays! The news is that we are all the same people whether it is January or July. We do not enter a new year suddenly transformed into a different more abstemious person. We might, however, set a goal for ourselves for the year ahead.
Try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change and become someone else although you might want to start exercising or shed a kilo or two or perhaps cut down on processed foods etc but do not make your happiness dependent on achieving something in the future. People often say that they will be happy when they reach a target weight or achieve a certain something like a promotion or a new house for example but I am doubtful that it’s an accurate prediction of contentment.
Now is the time to feel great about yourself. If you feel good right now, just imagine how amazing you will feel when you achieve your goals or attain your 2018 resolutions.
If you do not feel too great right now, try not to be too hard on yourself. January is a very tough month for many. Couples often stay together over Christmas knowing that the new year will bring a change to their relationship; being in debt can be stressful or knowing your credit card bill will be severe because of overspending on presents or on the sales; when family has returned to their homes and the house is quiet or not having family members to rely on can leave one person with several responsibilities and that too can feel exhausting.
Returning to work and facing back into our usual routine can also be difficult. Knowing that there is no routine of work can also be upsetting. However, January is not all doom and gloom. I would like to reassure you that if you are having a hard time in January that you are not alone. Several people are feeling like you do right now i.e. not super enthusiastic that it is the start of a new year! This is a common feeling and you are entitled to feel however you feel!
Try to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Telling someone how you feel, chatting about your worries and fears can help you gain perspective. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or to a healthcare professional.
What can lift our mood in January?
Start with small steps towards achieving your New Year’s goal. When you do something that you know to be good or beneficial, acknoweldge and celebrate your achievements, this will help you continue towards achieving your goal.
Cut down or avoid alcohol to help your system detox after the overindulgences of the holiday period.
Increase your intake of brightly coloured fresh fruit and veg.
Eat at regular intervals. We often go without food for hours and then gorge ourselves on whatever rubbish is to hand. Plan your meals in advance but pay attention that you are eating regularly.
Turn up the music. It transports us in time, makes us feel good and lifts our spirits.
Get out of the house and spend more time in nature. Resist the urge to stay wrapped up indoors and force yourself to get out . You will be thankful that you made the effort to leave the house.
Once it is okay to do so, why don’t you pick up the phone and ask someone to meet you for a coffee and a chat. If they say no then that’s perfectly okay but someone might say yes! Or suggest going for a walk and you have both exercise and a chat all rolled into one!
Movement is key to keeping our bodies healthy and dancing in the kitchen, taking the stars, jumping on the spot, all count as exercise – keep your body active.
Have your bloods checked (including vitamin levels) with your doctor to ensure that your body is in tip top condition. Visit the dentist and optician for check ups. Save up for these health screens if you must but having a clean bill of health is priceless and if there is something that requires attention, finding out in time is crucial to receiving the best care.
Good quality, uninterrupted sleep is vital for our mental and physical health. Working shifts, having small children or a baby will mean your sleep is interrupted so catch up with naps if necessary. Sleep can be rectified over time so seek help to ensure you are getting sufficient good quality uninterrupted shut-eye! See some further info here https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Having self-confidence to make mistakes or noticing our self-talk and challenging any negative dialogue are worthwhile new year goals. Not eating chocolate at breakfast time is a great goal because minding our bodies is our investment in our future selves.
For this new year perhaps set the goal to be kind to you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
We tend not to take notice of the health benefits of hugging, so I encourage you to start today.
Give hugs as often as you can to a person, a pet, or even a tree! The benefits of hugging are remarkable.
Hugs do all the following:
Alleviate feelings of loneliness
Elevate mood
Reduce stress
Increase feelings of connection
Convey emotions without any words
Build self-esteem
Increase understanding
Reduce worries and anxiety
Build a sense of safety and security
Relax tense muscles
Reduce physical pain
Boost immune system
Benefit cardiovascular health
Say ‘you are loved’
Show that you care
Extend joy
Help form bonds with others
Increase empathy
Help build trust
By the way I didn’t simply make up this list! The health benefits of hugging are backed by empirical evidence. Research shows that snuggling up to someone or a pet releases the hormone oxytocin that strengthens our immune system, helps lower blood pressure, reduces the stress hormone cortisol, and improves heart rate. There are a great many benefits to hugging, and it has even been connected to helping children toilet-train quickly!
We know that warmth and responsiveness work well for fostering children’s social competence, and there is also evidence that hugs and chatting with children work better than shouting and/or punishment.
Sometimes children or other loved ones push us away or behave in a way that really frustrates us, and often leaves us as adults or parents frustrated and at the end of our patience. Well, that’s possibly when children could really do with a comforting hug.
It is not always easy to offer a hug when you feel annoyed, but it may be best to offer it anyway depending on the situation. You will benefit from the hug as much as the other person. It will help you both feel calmer, safer, and connected.
So when things seem to be going terribly wrong, offer a hug. It says ‘you are loved’ without using any words.
Think of the last time you were in trouble or were stressed about something. How lovely would it have been if someone offered you a hug? I’m sure it would have felt like a relief! You can be that person – and remember – we feel good when we help others. Go forth and hug!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
This post first appeared on mindloftmag.com
Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others “I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
Bernie C from Bantry mentioned to me that her aunt (in years of old) would warn her, and whomever else was nearby, that they couldn’t go picking blackberries because they might get chased by a bull. I have no doubt that this advice was given with the very best intentions. I thought it was such a fascinating comment that I’d simply have to write about it! My difficulty was how to weave a piece around the comment as it is applicable to negativity; anxiety; catastrophic or what-if thinking but I decided to write about parenting and chatting with children.
By the way, I am not saying bulls are not dangerous – I know they are lethal. What is so interesting is that the instruction means no blackberries can ever be picked because of the possibility that a bull might chase, maul, maim and presumably kill any blackberry-pickers.
We regularly warn children, and others whom we love, about dangers, threats or eventualities that may or may not happen. Parents have a particularly difficult task in that their objective is to raise well-adjusted, confident, kind, independent, self-sufficient adults whilst simultaneously instilling a sense of responsibility and consequences for actions. It is certainly not easy to find the right balance between warning of danger and instilling fear or doom. We hope our children become conscious that if they play with fire someone or something may get burned or, at the very least, singed!
Life often gets in the way of being a less than text-book-perfect-parent. We can be preoccupied with what’s going on at work or for our friends or by our finances or simply distracted by life. We may not be present for our children even when we are physically with them. We may make statements or give orders like “don’t go in there”, “be careful”, “stop doing that”, “watch where you’re going” etc. without ever explaining WHY.
With all our warnings and advices, particularly to teenagers, parents may not realise that risk-taking activities decrease with age not because we have been chanting the same warnings for years but because of changes that take place in the brain – changes which improve a person’s capacity for self-regulation as they mature.
In other words, risky and reckless behaviour decreases when the relevant brain area develops and that doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. Yes – you’ve read correctly – the rational part of our brains develop in our mid-twenties. This is often why our children may simply be unable to explain what they were thinking when they do something off the wall. They are literally unable to answer parents’ “why” or “what did you do that for” questions!
Words of warning are never wasted but the content and manner of your dialogue and how you pass on information is relevant. Rather than warning about potential bulls in every field where blackberries are growing, it might be an idea to be positive and encouraging. Picking blackberries is a wonderful idea, blackberries are very healthy and good for our bodies. An alternate instruction would be to explain how to ensure there are no bulls in a field before entering. Does your child know what a bull looks like or what a bull is? Explain how bulls are dangerous, etc.
Explain everything to children and do not ever assume they know something because you may have mentioned it in the past. “Because I said so” is not a valid instruction!
Here are some pointers to help improve dialogue with your child:
Teach your child about feelings and the various words for feelings. We usually teach fairly standard words like tired, happy, sad, angry, excited. It is also good to teach about other feelings such as content, anxious, loved, calm, shy, scared, worried, jealous, proud.
Encourage your children to express themselves about how they are feeling and also chat about how you feel. They are entitled to have their own opinions and views. They are independent of you.
Apologise to your children when you have made a mistake. You are teaching them a great lesson when you apologise – your children learn that parents make mistakes, that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is part of being human.
Try not to nag. Do not harp on about the same stuff all the time – think about it – would you listen to someone who is repeating a message and in a negative way? I think you’d probably switch off as soon as the subject came up.
Do not bark orders at your children or at anyone else! I suggest going to the room where your children are rather than calling them (or shouting) from the kitchen into the sitting room for example.
Give your children enough time to finish what they’re doing – dinner will be ready soon, please be at the table in five minutes. Be clear in your instructions e.g. I am leaving in half an hour.
Always listen when your child is telling you something, pay attention and acknowledge what it means for your child. Listening is powerful. You are not interrupting when you are listening. You are paying attention. You are giving your acknowledgement that you are there for your child and what your child has to say is important to you.
Always keep your cool or you will end up saying something you cannot take back.
Encourage decision making – will you wear your red shoes or your black shoes today? Which book will we read at bedtime? Do you want a shower or a bath? You forgot your pencil in school, what will you do to get another pencil? This helps your child become solution-focused and able to make their own decisions.
Do activities with your children as often as you can – lead by example. Let’s all tidy the toys together and we will have a tidy room very soon.
To improve dialogue with your own children, seek advice from other parents. Parenting is a role that is often perfected when it’s too late (i.e. when your children have left home). Grandparents have a wealth of wisdom, they may not have been perfect parents to you but they know where they went wrong and also what works!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Sometimes our thoughts can be negative and we have trouble trying to stop or think of something positive. If we are on a cycle of negative thinking, it is not beneficial and we must somehow stop. It is difficult to be happy while thinking negatively.
When stuck on a negative thinking treadmill, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this a thought or a feeling or is it a fact?
Is this thought beneficial? Is it making me feel good?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is true?
What proof or evidence do I have that my thought is not true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I thinking of the worst case scenario?
What would my friend advise me to do right now?
What would I advise my friend / family member to do in the same situation?
What is the worst thing that could happen? If it does happen, what could I do to help me cope?
Will this be important in six months’ time? Will it matter in two years’ time?
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