Hugs Are Powerful

There is something that is great for our health, free of charge, yet remarkably undervalued. Readily available, environmentally-friendly and requires little or no preparation.

What could it be?

It’s a hug.

Hugs are Powerful!

We tend not to take notice of the health benefits of hugging, so I encourage you to start today.

Give hugs as often as you can to a person, a pet, or even a tree! The benefits of hugging are remarkable.

Hugs do all the following:

Alleviate feelings of loneliness

Elevate mood

Reduce stress

Increase feelings of connection

Convey emotions without any words

Build self-esteem

Increase understanding

Reduce worries and anxiety

Build a sense of safety and security

Relax tense muscles

Reduce physical pain

Boost immune system

Benefit cardiovascular health

Say ‘you are loved’

Show that you care

Extend joy

Help form bonds with others

Increase empathy

Help build trust

By the way I didn’t simply make up this list! The health benefits of hugging are backed by empirical evidence. Research shows that snuggling up to someone or a pet releases the hormone oxytocin that strengthens our immune system, helps lower blood pressure, reduces the stress hormone cortisol, and improves heart rate. There are a great many benefits to hugging, and it has even been connected to helping children toilet-train quickly!

We know that warmth and responsiveness work well for fostering children’s social competence, and there is also evidence that hugs and chatting with children work better than shouting and/or punishment.

Sometimes children or other loved ones push us away or behave in a way that really frustrates us, and often leaves us as adults or parents frustrated and at the end of our patience. Well, that’s possibly when children could really do with a comforting hug.

It is not always easy to offer a hug when you feel annoyed, but it may be best to offer it anyway depending on the situation. You will benefit from the hug as much as the other person. It will help you both feel calmer, safer, and connected.

So when things seem to be going terribly wrong, offer a hug. It says ‘you are loved’ without using any words.

Think of the last time you were in trouble or were stressed about something. How lovely would it have been if someone offered you a hug? I’m sure it would have felt like a relief! You can be that person – and remember – we feel good when we help others. Go forth and hug!

www.carolinecrotty.ie

This post first appeared on mindloftmag.com

Chatting with Children

Don’t go picking blackberries you might get chased by a bull!

Bernie C from Bantry mentioned to me that her aunt (in years of old) would warn her, and whomever else was nearby, that they couldn’t go picking blackberries because they might get chased by a bull. I have no doubt that this advice was given with the very best intentions. I thought it was such a fascinating comment that I’d simply have to write about it! My difficulty was how to weave a piece around the comment as it is applicable to negativity; anxiety; catastrophic or what-if thinking but I decided to write about parenting and chatting with children.

By the way, I am not saying bulls are not dangerous – I know they are lethal. What is so interesting is that the instruction means no blackberries can ever be picked because of the possibility that a bull might chase, maul, maim and presumably kill any blackberry-pickers.

We regularly warn children, and others whom we love, about dangers, threats or eventualities that may or may not happen. Parents have a particularly difficult task in that their objective is to raise well-adjusted, confident, kind, independent, self-sufficient adults whilst simultaneously instilling a sense of responsibility and consequences for actions. It is certainly not easy to find the right balance between warning of danger and instilling fear or doom. We hope our children become conscious that if they play with fire someone or something may get burned or, at the very least, singed!

Life often gets in the way of being a less than text-book-perfect-parent. We can be preoccupied with what’s going on at work or for our friends or by our finances or simply distracted by life. We may not be present for our children even when we are physically with them. We may make statements or give orders like “don’t go in there”, “be careful”, “stop doing that”, “watch where you’re going” etc. without ever explaining WHY.

With all our warnings and advices, particularly to teenagers, parents may not realise that risk-taking activities decrease with age not because we have been chanting the same warnings for years but because of changes that take place in the brain – changes which improve a person’s capacity for self-regulation as they mature.

In other words, risky and reckless behaviour decreases when the relevant brain area develops and that doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. Yes – you’ve read correctly – the rational part of our brains develop in our mid-twenties. This is often why our children may simply be unable to explain what they were thinking when they do something off the wall. They are literally unable to answer parents’ “why” or “what did you do that for” questions!

Words of warning are never wasted but the content and manner of your dialogue and how you pass on information is relevant. Rather than warning about potential bulls in every field where blackberries are growing, it might be an idea to be positive and encouraging. Picking blackberries is a wonderful idea, blackberries are very healthy and good for our bodies. An alternate instruction would be to explain how to ensure there are no bulls in a field before entering. Does your child know what a bull looks like or what a bull is? Explain how bulls are dangerous, etc.

Explain everything to children and do not ever assume they know something because you may have mentioned it in the past. “Because I said so” is not a valid instruction!

Here are some pointers to help improve dialogue with your child:

Teach your child about feelings and the various words for feelings. We usually teach fairly standard words like tired, happy, sad, angry, excited. It is also good to teach about other feelings such as content, anxious, loved, calm, shy, scared, worried, jealous, proud.

Encourage your children to express themselves about how they are feeling and also chat about how you feel. They are entitled to have their own opinions and views. They are independent of you.

Apologise to your children when you have made a mistake. You are teaching them a great lesson when you apologise – your children learn that parents make mistakes, that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is part of being human.

Try not to nag. Do not harp on about the same stuff all the time – think about it – would you listen to someone who is repeating a message and in a negative way? I think you’d probably switch off as soon as the subject came up.

Do not bark orders at your children or at anyone else! I suggest going to the room where your children are rather than calling them (or shouting) from the kitchen into the sitting room for example.

Give your children enough time to finish what they’re doing – dinner will be ready soon, please be at the table in five minutes. Be clear in your instructions e.g. I am leaving in half an hour.

Always listen when your child is telling you something, pay attention and acknowledge what it means for your child. Listening is powerful. You are not interrupting when you are listening. You are paying attention. You are giving your acknowledgement that you are there for your child and what your child has to say is important to you.

Always keep your cool or you will end up saying something you cannot take back.

Encourage decision making – will you wear your red shoes or your black shoes today? Which book will we read at bedtime? Do you want a shower or a bath? You forgot your pencil in school, what will you do to get another pencil? This helps your child become solution-focused and able to make their own decisions.

Do activities with your children as often as you can – lead by example. Let’s all tidy the toys together and we will have a tidy room very soon.

To improve dialogue with your own children, seek advice from other parents. Parenting is a role that is often perfected when it’s too late (i.e. when your children have left home). Grandparents have a wealth of wisdom, they may not have been perfect parents to you but they know where they went wrong and also what works!