As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass.
We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
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I was recently discussing ‘burnout,’ and the person I was speaking with mentioned that the term seems to be used far too loosely these days. He observed that people say they’re experiencing burnout when busy at work or feeling worn out after Christmas parties. This casual use of the term caught my attention because, in my practice, I use ‘burnout’ in a clinical sense. When people come to me with burnout, they’re often signed off work by their GP and face a long and challenging road to recovery. While it’s valuable that awareness of stress is increasing, it’s crucial to recognise that true clinical burnout is far more serious than general exhaustion.
Burnout is a medical and clinical condition with serious implications for mental and physical health. Clinical burnout, as defined by the World Health Organisation (WHO), is a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three core features: persistent feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion, a sense of detachment or cynicism towards one’s job and a reduced ability to perform effectively. Unlike general fatigue, clinical burnout develops over time and does not simply disappear after a good night’s sleep or a short break. It requires careful attention and often structured intervention to address.
Although the term ‘burnout’ is now used rather casually to describe being overworked or tired, these experiences don’t align with the clinical definition. While the casual use of the term reflects a growing awareness of stress, it can dilute the seriousness of burnout. This overuse may make it harder for people experiencing clinical burnout to be recognised and supported. Importantly, burnout in its clinical sense is not a sign of personal weakness or failure but rather the result of systemic issues such as chronic stress, excessive workloads, lack of support and environments that fail to prioritise employee well-being.
Clinical burnout develops when workplace stress becomes unmanageable and unrelenting. It often arises in environments with excessive demands, little autonomy, inadequate support, or a mismatch between personal values and organisational culture. These factors combine over time, eroding resilience and making recovery increasingly difficult. Unlike occasional stress, which can sometimes be motivating, burnout represents a prolonged and harmful state that affects both mental and physical health.
The symptoms of burnout are far-reaching and can impact every aspect of everyday life. Emotionally, people may feel drained, irritable or even hopeless. Cognitively, people may struggle to focus or with decision-making or memory, which can add to feelings of frustration. Physically, symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches and sleep disturbances often emerge. Behaviourally, people may withdraw from social connections, procrastinate, or avoid responsibilities altogether. Burnout can profoundly affect relationships and self-esteem, leading to feelings of failure and disconnection from others.
Addressing burnout requires a multifaceted approach that includes both individual and systemic changes. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the underlying issues contributing to burnout, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild resilience. Rest and recovery are essential because burnout cannot be resolved by simply pushing through it – people need time, space, and patience to heal. Systemic workplace adjustments are often necessary, including reducing excessive demands, establishing clear boundaries, and fostering supportive environments. Self-care practices such as mindfulness, regular exercise and reconnecting with activities that bring joy can also play a crucial role in recovery.
Burnout is not a reflection of personal failure. It’s a complex response to prolonged, unrelenting stress, often shaped by factors outside of individual control. Understanding burnout means recognising its key symptoms: emotional exhaustion, detachment, and a reduced sense of accomplishment. These aren’t signs of weakness but signals from your body and mind that your current demands exceed your resources.
Addressing burnout starts with self-awareness and support. Prioritising emotional and mental health isn’t just self-care—it’s a fundamental necessity for thriving. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking workplace accommodations, or rethinking unsustainable systems in your life. However, proper recovery also requires systemic change. Organisations and communities must create environments where wellbeing is central, not optional.
If you or someone you know is experiencing burnout, reaching out to a mental health professional can provide guidance, validation and strategies for recovery. You don’t have to face it alone – healing and recovery are possible, and your well-being is worth the effort.
For further information, here’s a handy guide to an NHS booklet about Burnout
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Have you ever spilt coffee on your top in a meeting or stumbled over a word during a presentation and felt like all eyes were on you? Or maybe you wore mismatched socks to a party and were certain everyone noticed. This phenomenon, where we believe our actions or appearance are under intense scrutiny, is referred to as the “spotlight effect”. We tend to overestimate how much other people notice and remember our actions. The reality is that most people are far too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinise ours!
Understanding the spotlight effect can help free us from its grip and also help us navigate social situations with greater confidence and self-compassion.
The term “spotlight effect” was coined in social psychology and refers to our inflated perception of how much others notice and remember our actions or appearance. This cognitive bias arises because we are so immersed in our own experiences that it becomes challenging to step outside of ourselves and consider the limited perspective of others. In essence, we are the main characters in our own stories, and we assume others are equally focused on us.
Research backs this up. In a well-known study*, participants were asked to wear embarrassing t-shirts to a social gathering. When later asked to estimate how many people noticed the shirts, participants consistently overestimated the number. The reality was that most people either didn’t notice or quickly forgot. This demonstrates a key truth: most people are too preoccupied with their own concerns to dwell on others’ mistakes or quirks.
Evolutionarily, being attuned to others’ opinions had survival benefits. In early human societies, social cohesion was critical, and being aware of others’ judgments helped maintain harmony. However, in modern times, this tendency can become exaggerated, leading to unnecessary anxiety and self-consciousness.
Certain factors can intensify the spotlight effect. Social anxiety, for instance, can heighten the sense that you’re being judged. Perfectionism also plays a role, as individuals who set excessively high standards for themselves are more likely to fear others’ negative evaluations. Additionally, the rise of social media has amplified the spotlight effect by creating platforms where we feel constantly visible.
The Psychological Cost of Living Under the Spotlight
Living under the illusion of the spotlight effect can take a toll on mental health. It contributes to feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, and even shame. Many clients describe avoiding certain situations because they fear judgment or ridicule. For example, someone might decline public speaking opportunities because they believe any minor slip-up will be remembered and judged harshly.
Over time, this avoidance can erode self-confidence and limit personal growth. It’s important to recognise that while the spotlight effect may feel real, it is often just a mental construct that can be dismantled with the right strategies.
Fortunately, the spotlight effect is a mental construct, and there are practical ways to dismantle it. Here are some strategies to help you break free from its grip.
Reframe Your Perspective: Remind yourself that most people focus on themselves. For example, when you feel self-conscious, ask yourself, “How often do I notice or remember minor mistakes others make?” The answer is prob, “Not often,” and the same applies to you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for perceived mistakes, treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. Acknowledge that imperfection is a natural part of being human.
Shift the Focus: Redirect your attention outward. Engage with others and ask questions. Focus on what’s going on around you rather than your internal narrative. This can help break the cycle of self-conscious thoughts.
Embrace Exposure: Gradual exposure to situations that trigger the spotlight effect can help you build resilience. For instance, if you’re anxious about public speaking, start with smaller, low-stakes audiences and work your way up. You migth start by speaking during a small group gathering at work or with friends. Practice giving a toast at a family event; volunteer to present in some informal setting, such as a book club.
Limit Social Media Consumption: Social media can magnify the spotlight effect by presenting idealised versions of others’ lives. Taking regular breaks from social media or adjusting your algorithm to prioritise positive, authentic and realistic content can significantly reduce its impact on your mental well-being.
Moving Beyond the Spotlight: Understanding the spotlight effect is a powerful way to start freeing yourself from its grasp. It’s a reminder that we are all navigating our own challenges and that others’ attention is not focused on us as often as we imagine. By shifting your mindset and practicing self-compassion, you can reduce feelings of self-consciousness.
Many people learn how to free themselves from the pressure of an imaginary spotlight. They embrace challenges, deepen relationships and can live authentically. You can, too.
If this resonates with you, perhaps you might apply one of the strategies today. If the spotlight effect is limiting your potential then consider talking to a mental health professional. The world isn’t watching as closely as you think. You deserve to live fully, freely and authentically.
*Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211
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