September marks the beginning of autumn. It brings with it new beginnings. Perhaps your child is starting nursery or primary school. Maybe your adolescent is moving away to attend university or starting a new job having finished school. There may be a heavy financial burden with childminding, uniforms, books or education fees. September is a time of significant change. With change, comes stress.
Here are some reminders of what you already know that you can put into place to help you (and to help your worried child).
Adults and children worry. Children pick up on how their parents are feeling, so try to remain calm and speak calmly with your children. Don’t put your worries on to your children.
If you have a worried child, please let them know that you understand something is going on for them. Encourage them to chat with you about whatever is on their mind. Be sensitive to their needs. Give them your undivided attention if they are speaking with you. Ask how they are feeling about whatever is going on. (Do not ask ‘are you stressed about returning to school?’ as it’s too leading). Listen to their response. It might not be what you expect. Resist the temptation to swoop in and make everything okay and fix the issue. Instead, allow your child to voice their concerns without interruption. Talking through fears is beneficial (depending on age). Be reassuring. Validate worries and feelings. Explain that you understand. Thank them for telling you. Ask them what you can do to help. Ask them what they can do to help themselves which gives children a sense of control and fosters solutions-focused thinking.
Well-intentioned parents might allow their child to avoid school if they don’t want to go. However, avoiding school will not help your child. School refusal will not be improved by avoiding the source of stress (i.e. school). Get your child into school, even if it just for the classes until first break. Be firm but encouraging despite your own feelings. Consistently attending school will eventually settle your child’s upset.
Give praise for confiding in you and doing their best. Ask if they want to hear your suggestions. Return to school nerves are usually temporary. Be consistent in your message that there is a solution for every problem or that we can work towards acceptance following trauma.
How you help your child is how you can help yourself. Model positive coping skills and a positive outlook. There are several facets to minding our health and staying healthy such as eating well, exercising, getting sufficient sleep, and taking time out. There are five steps to improving emotional health and wellbeing that are true for adults and children: Connecting, Learning, Giving, Activity, and Focusing!
You are your child’s role model. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child.
Connecting can help us feel more satisfied with life as it provides a sense of belonging – visiting a neighbour, walking with someone, joining a volunteering group etc. Being with others affords us an opportunity to express ourselves and we connect by listening, so it’s win/win. When our social circle is tiny (or non-existent) September might be the best time to become involved in something locally!
Giving to others helps us feel more positive and provides a sense of purpose. Giving promotes connecting. Bake a cake, offer to teach someone how to do something or give thanks by sending a text/card/email.
Learning new things can boost our self-esteem and optimism. Learning does not have to be academic – learn how to draw, paint, sing or play ukulele.
Activity benefits physical and emotional wellbeing. Physical activity changes the chemicals in our brains and can improve our self-esteem.
Focusing attention on thoughts, feelings and physical sensations can improve our mood. Having something to look forward to and focusing on deep breathing are beneficial!
Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.
It is important to keep in mind that someone can appear to have a lovely life, wife / husband, children, friends, home etc. and experience depression. You cannot tell someone’s emotional state simply by looking. Depression can affect anyone in any walk of life. So how can we support someone experiencing depression?
Rather than avoid someone because you know they are depressed, please reach out. Be mindful not to pester, instead, let your loved one know you are offering your support. It can be nice to simply sit with the person, regardless of whether they are crying or talking, and tell them how important they are to you. Ask how you can help and listen to the answer.
Encourage outside supports such as talking to the GP, practice nurse, counsellor, psychotherapist etc and you can offer to help select one or to drive your loved one to their first appointment.
There are also social supports such as www.grow.ie www.aware.ie and online supports from www.samaritans.org www.turn2me.org
Be careful what you say so that your loved one doesn’t feel more isolated. Please do not say “cheer up” or “concentrate on the positives” or “snap out of it” because they would already have done that if they could! Passing comments like this can sound as though it is a choice to be depressed and that is insulting.
Listening rather than advising is key. Disagreeing with someone’s thoughts and feelings is unhelpful. Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings but do not try to fix their problems. Instead ask “what can we do to help you feel better?”
Perhaps it might be a kind gesture to drop round some nice food. It can feel impossible to muster up the enthusiasm to cook when experiencing depression. Sending a text can be a way to let someone know that you’re thinking about them without being intrusive or post a simple greeting card. Let them know that you and your offer to meet remains open for whenever they are ready.
It is important to keep in friendly contact with others when experiencing depression. Support exercise and social occasions by offering to accompany your loved one. Be encouraging and positive (rather than nagging or coercive).
Don’t pass judgement and suggest that someone is “too sensitive” as depression is not a personality flaw. If you see your loved one having a good day or laughing it doesn’t mean the depression is gone so be very patient.
It is important to keep in mind that we cannot change anyone except ourselves. We can encourage and support and love our friends and family members experiencing depression, however, we cannot make them better. Neither are we responsible for someone else’s recovery.
If your loved one is in danger of suicide call 911 or take them to an emergency room (A&E Department). The Samaritans has a freephone number 116123 available 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
If you are trying to help someone who is experiencing depression it can be tiring. Please take time out for yourself to exercise or prepare meals. Ensure you are sleeping well and make time to relax. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Care for yourself so that you can provide the best care for others. You cannot pour from an empty cup!
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When learning how to remain in the present moment it can help to give our minds a job.
Despite thinking that we are good at multi-tasking, we are at our best when we concentrate on one thing at a time – either we worry or think about something else! This task is to help us “think about something else” rather than worrying.
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding technique is a useful task. It can prevent us from getting caught-up in racing or panicky thoughts which can create anxious feelings in our bodies.
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 task can help us remain calm, focused and grounded in the present.
Instead of getting caught up in fearful thoughts or horrible anxious feelings, this task requires us to take notice of what is around us and concentrate on our senses.
Sight, Touch, Hearing, Smell and Taste – these are the five senses that we concentrate on that will help us stay focused.
Look around you. What are 5 things that you can see. Describe them to yourself in the most graphic and amazing detail that you can manage. What colours do you see on those objects? What patterns, inscriptions, engraving, size or weight do they have? If you were to describe these five things to someone without using the objects’ names, how would you do it?
Now look for 4 things you can feel and describe them to yourself. This might involve feeling your clothes as they touch your skin or the feeling of your bottom and back as you sit on your chair. Perhaps you can feel your skin on the palm of your hand with the finger from your other hand. Can you pick up something and hold it? Describe those four things to yourself in detail.
Listen very closely. What 3 things can you hear? Is there something in the distance making noise, say a clock ticking or traffic or the wind or music or the rattle of a door?
Are there 2 things that you can smell? There may be perfume or aftershave on your clothes. Can you smell food in the air or any other scents?
Is there something you can taste? Is there already a taste in your mouth? It might be coffee or toothpaste or maybe you can see something you could taste. You might have a sweet in your bag or chewing-gum. If you taste something, pay close attention to the flavour.
The above 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique is a handy task for times when you may feel nervous such as at the airport, church, family gathering, doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room etc. The task will help to ground you and prevent you from getting caught up in fearful thoughts.
Ground yourself by concentrating on your senses. It doesn’t matter whether you think of 5 things to smell or 4 things you can hear i.e. the order in which you think about your senses is unimportant.
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When parents are separating, the ideal situation is for them both to sit down, together with their child, and explain the plan for the separation, giving your child as much information as is appropriate based on the maturity of the child. At that time, parents can reassure their child that they, the parents, will always be available and will answer any questions the child might have.
Parents can explain the intended outcome of the separation and affirm that it is a positive change. Parents can chat about and also demonstrate to the child that they are loved, safe and secure and that regardless of what is going on between the parents, the child’s wellbeing always comes first. Reassurance can be given that although the family is changing, it is not ending.
HOWEVER, life doesn’t always allow for the “ideal situation” and thus, each separation is different. Some separations occur following the slow deterioration of a relationship however, for others, something may happen to result in one parent suddenly leaving the family home with the children and without a definitive plan.
Change following separation can be difficult and frought. There may be several questions following separation including “who will live where”, “who’s going to drive/drop/collect”; “how will we manage holidays” and “why?” Be as honest as you can without sounding aggressive and always try to sound grounded and impartial.
It is important that your child has time to process what is happening and to adjust to the new and perhaps unexpected changes. Ensure your teen receives adequate reassurances from you both, as parents, so your child feels in control and as relaxed as possible despite the change in circumstances.
Remind yourself that two happy homes are more beneficial to your child than one unhappy/stress-filled home.
Support your child’s relationship with the other parent during and following separation. Reassure your child that the separation is not your child’s fault. Don’t discuss your former partner’s wrong-doings or complain about them to your child or in your child’s presence.
It may be a good idea for your child to have someone outside of you, with whom they can chat about how they’re feeling and discuss thoughts, worries or feelings such as a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Talk to your child about his/her needs and listen to all opinions. Teenagers are quite reliant on their peers and although you may want your child to see your perspective, they may see life through their lens and focus on their own particular needs and issues. Be patient, talk and listen attentively when your teen speaks and comes to you to chat.
Whenever you have a family occasion, put your child first and make plans well in advance. Try to be as inclusive as possible with all family members. Do not ban your child from forming relationships with your ex’s new partner for example. Always stick to arranged plans and be there when you say you will. It is tempting to buy nice things to cheer up your child but providing love and care is better than providing more stuff – presence rather than presents!
Your child is not there to support you – you’re there to support your child. If you find you are struggling emotionally, please ask for help.
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