We enter romantic relationships giving our trust and our hearts to another with the hope that neither will be broken. The reality is that most of us know what relationship breakups are like and how it feels to have our hearts broken or at least scarred or dented!
People of every age attend counselling and psychotherapy following the end of a relationship. Any relationship ending, regardless of its length, can leave us reeling. If you are experiencing loss following a relationship breakup, here are some pointers that might help:
Firstly, allow yourself to feel however you feel. When grieving the loss of a relationship and the loss of future plans, it helps to identify emotions rather than block them. There’s nothing wrong with crying (although it’s awkward at work or in the supermarket)! Be reassured that the intensity of the emotion lessens over time. Initially, we might go through a vast array of reactions including shock or disbelief, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, jealousy, regret, swearing off any future relationships etc and although we think we are stuck in our sadness for ever, our feelings change.
Sometimes the overwhelming sense of loss follows a period of numbness or vice versa and both reactions are equally human! There is no single, linear response to loss or grief. Our reactions are as individual as we are so there’s no right or wrong way to experience grief or loss so we go through it and we recover bringing our new learning to the next relationship.
Because we may not have been the person to end the relationship, we may feel rejected and get stuck on questions such as ‘What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me?’ and if our ex is in a new relationship ‘What does his new partner have that I don’t have?’ This is typical but unhelpful. Try to manage thinking and thoughts so that mentally you don’t enter a wormhole of rejection. We rarely think, ‘what’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to be with me’ which might be more useful!
Be supported by others. Talking about the loss is helpful regardless of how private you are. Share thoughts and feelings in confidence with a trustworthy friend or with a therapist. G.P.s have contact details of local counsellors or psychotherapists and www.mymind.org provides a sliding scale of fees throughout Ireland.
Although we might not feel like meeting people, stay in friendly contact. We might find ourselves in a position where our friendship group changed as a result of the relationship loss, so try to say ‘yes’ to social invites because spending time in the company of others is beneficial. It takes our minds off ourselves even for a little while. Be with people who are easy to be with and who value your company. If it seems like committing to social engagements is simply too much of a struggle or output of energy, then perhaps take time out to heal and decline invitations, however, put a time-limit on the social break so it doesn’t extend indefinitely and become social isolation.
Invest in a journal and start writing! Use the journal as a positivity notebook – despite the presence of dark emotional clouds, writing something positive every day or writing a positive word can be helpful. Reminiscing on past achievements or issues that you’ve previously overcome can feel pleasant in the present. If journaling about your feelings is helpful, then go for it! Write what you have learned from your relationship so you can improve future relationships.
Examine what might have been done differently, but not in a self-loathing way, more from a learning perspective – what’s the lesson to be learned from this hurt and heartache?
Communication is difficult and we may feel like we were never heard or listened to by our former partner. Rather than carry negativity, blame and resentment towards the other person, remind yourself that you tried your best and the intention was never that anyone would be hurt.
Concentrate on how you can best look after yourself now and into the future. Make a plan of action (in your new journal) or start a new routine for meeting the basic needs of diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation, social interaction etc. Write a daily or weekly schedule, regardless of how simple, because it can help to provide a sense of purpose and achievement when completed. Include self-care as part of the routine whether it is to walk in a forest or play music you love (or both at the same time!), making time to care for yourself is important for healing and recovery.
Exercise is critical to your recovery – it helps utilise stress hormones that can cause physical symptoms e.g. aches and pains, an upset tummy or digestive issues.
Avoid unhelpful and unhealthy choices following a relationship breakup such as using illicit drugs or relying on alcohol to cope or overeating, self-harm, over-working or excessive gambling. Constantly distracting yourself from the reality of your life and the loss may work for a little while but not indefinitely. Instead, pay attention to what you need to soothe yourself and consciously encourage yourself.
Try not to keep false hope that they’ll come back and all will be well once ‘they see sense’. Life is too short to wait for someone to return following a relationship breakup. Respect their decision and choice to end the relationship. Do you want to be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, or who doubts the future success of your relationship? If the answer to this question is ‘no’, then allow them to leave. Sometimes when hurt, it can be helpful to set a time-limit or deadline after-which it is important to acknowledge that the relationship is over, when acceptance becomes the priority (not revenge or ill-will, but acceptance).
Spending time on our own with our thoughts is growthful. Being independent and being able to identify and meet our own wants and needs will benefit all future relationships.
Although it might feel very daunting initially, there is life, love and happiness after relationship breakups.
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There is something which positively influences obesity, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, some cancers, bone and joint diseases and is within our reach. REGULAR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
I am not a medic, but I know that exercise improves our overall wellbeing and quality of life. The benefits are far-reaching as physical activity has consistently been shown to be associated with improved physical health, life satisfaction, cognitive function and psychological wellbeing.
People who regularly exercise, when compared to those who don’t, show slower rates of age-related memory and cognitive decline. In my experience, we all want to stay mentally sharp and focused for as long as possible. Exercise helps strengthen our heart and improves its functioning. Not only do our lungs benefit from exercise, our bones do too. Physical activity can help reduce stress levels whilst improving self-esteem.
From what I know, to improve our heart health, we need about 2.5 hours every week, of moderate-intensity physical activity. If we can invest more time than 150 mins in a week, that’s fantastic! Moderate-intensity activity increases our heart-rate, gets our bodies sweaty and makes us breathe more quickly – which is also a great anxiety-buster.
To make healthy changes, we must rethink our busy schedules. It is not enough to say “I don’t have time”! Finding time might be difficult, however, ten minutes of non-stop walking three times a day is achievable.
Every minute you move is valuable. Small active changes include taking the stairs, walking around the house inside or outside, jumping on the spot, dancing, parking the car in a space farthest from the shop front-door or leaving the office to walk during coffee breaks.
If you never enjoyed walking, perhaps you might start by quickly walking away from your house for three minutes, turn around and quickly walk the three minutes home – any minute spent walking is better than no minute. Try to select an activity that is suitable for your fitness level right now, until it improves and who knows you might be running marathons this time next year!
Nature is therapeutic so whenever you can, spend time outdoors and take notice of your surroundings.
Regular weight-bearing exercise can:
Help prevent several chronic diseases and reduce the risk of premature death.
Improve mood and confidence.
Reduce feelings of anxiety and depression.
Build muscle and strengthen bones and help prevent osteoporosis.
Increase energy levels and keep us feeling energised throughout the day.
Improve brain function, protect memory and thinking skills.
Help with study.
Improve sleep.
Help with pain management.
Although it may feel counterintuitive, people with chronic fatigue syndrome benefit hugely from exercise.
There are many varied benefits of moving our bodies, and exercise is only one part of safeguarding our long-term health – diet, alcohol, stress, sleep, cigarettes can each take their toll on our bodies. This new year, GET MOVING!
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Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited
“The evenings are getting longer” – we often hear this phrase but we still don’t have any extra time in the day! Although we have fewer hours of daylight, we needn’t feel sad or anxious about winter approaching. October brings Halloween and a bank holiday weekend for jazzing in Cork! Seasons change and with autumn we have the most amazing colours on our trees and we have leaves to kick. To date, here in Ireland, we have had wonderfully warm temperatures so there is no excuse for us not spending time outdoors! It is true that we have fewer daylight hours and the evenings can seem longer particularly if we spend more time indoors.
Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this month and beat the autumn blues.
Every morning remind yourself that each new day is a new beginning, something to be happy and grateful for (regardless of what is going on in our lives we are alive).
Get as much sunlight as possible. Spend time outdoors as often as possible.
Plan a break: a day trip, spa break, holiday, a night out, a hurling/football match, concert etc – it is good to have something to look forward to.
Develop gratitude for what you have.
Exercise outdoors in daylight hours. Exercise that gets your heart rate up and gets you sweating is good for your mental and physical health.
Hug more. Hugs are healing and release pain-reducing hormones. If there is no human to hug, then invest in a pet.
Make a conscious effort not to spend time in front of any screen (tv, phone, laptop, ipad etc). Reduce your overall screen time and instead, do something productive: knit, crochet, read a book (the old-fashioned paper kind!), write a letter to someone you love, post some cards, pick up the phone to a friend, visit an elderly neighbour, add a friend to your walk!
Declutter. Tidy your house and make your bedroom cosy so that you enjoy spending time there.
Be kind to yourself. Soak your feet in Epsom salts, have a massage, get a manicure, buy a magazine or scented candle –treat yourself to something nice.
Get to the beach. Although it may be cold, wet and grey, the sea is fabulous to admire, whether you sit in your car and watch the waves or perhaps you might brave it and go for a walk on the beach – it will blow the cobwebs away!
Be mindful of your alcohol intake this October.
Get sufficient sleep. If you’re in need of a few sleeping tips see sleep
Improve your diet and eat foods that are in season. Make a big pot of veggie soup. Keep yourself hydrated with water. Make a conscious effort to eat well. Take supplements that your pharmacist recommends and check your vitamin D levels with your GP by having regular bloods done.
Do a hobby course in your local secondary school or college.
Start a book club or a dinner club and make it about meeting people not about having the best food or the tidiest house!
Get creative. Paint, dance, listen to music or learn how to play an instrument.
Don’t drink coffee to give you a pick-me-up, get to bed early instead. Energy makes energy – the more you do the better you’ll feel!
Remind yourself of good times that you have had. Reminisce. There is no one else in the world like you. You are unique. You are as good as (but not better than!) the next person.
Develop an ability to glance at your mistakes but stare at your achievements!
Breathe deeply at various times throughout the day and simply pay attention to your breath – spending time alone is beneficial for your emotional and physical health.
Talk to someone you trust and offload your problems and worries. A therapist (counsellor or psychotherapist) can help you get through difficult times and reassure you that you’re not alone. Consider chatting with a therapist who provides CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) particularly if you find that your thinking is negative or unhelpful so that you can learn to become more self-kind or self-compassionate this October.
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