As many know, I work one-on-one with adolescents and adults, offering online and in-person therapy. My work fills me with purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy rather than Sunday night dread. Thanks to a good friend who encouraged me to pursue a counselling and psychotherapy course y I found this path, and I’ll always be thankful to JQ.
Working in therapy is a privilege. I’m invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life. Or an expert at all! I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask thoughtful questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. And truthfully, I learn just as much from my clients/patients as they do from me. Each day offers new insights, whether factual or simply fascinating.
In therapy, family dynamics often arise as a significant theme. Many people have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. For others, strained or unconventional family relationships shape their worldview and emotional responses. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold potential for deep healing and growth. If repairing family ties is impossible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can bring similar support.
Lately, I’ve noticed a growing interest in attachment styles among my clients, many of whom have explored online resources to better understand their relationship dynamics. They are curious about how childhood experiences shaped their current approach to intimacy, trust/mistrust and conflict. Some wonder why they feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away. Relationships, while fulfilling, can also be profoundly complex and, at times, frustrating. When someone hasn’t experienced consistent love or reassurance in childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can be and feel quite daunting. This is where therapy can help – it provides a safe, objective space to explore various patterns and work towards meaningful change.
Attachment styles help us make sense of our patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness and balanced dependence. People with secure attachments thrive in relationships and also independently. They can regulate their emotions, maintain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many of us aspire to secure attachment.
This post focuses on fearful-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganised attachment. This attachment style is particularly complex because it’s paradoxical. People with this pattern crave intimacy and connection but also fear and distrust it. This inner conflict often creates a push-pull dynamic: “I want you close; now you’re too close; too much for me; now I need you again…” Such cycles make it difficult to establish stability or trust in relationships.
Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment often develops from early experiences of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. These experiences leave lasting imprints, including difficulty trusting others and a fear of vulnerability. People with this attachment style can struggle to express their needs, fearing rejection or criticism. As a result, needs frequently go unmet, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and unworthiness (yet again, further contradiction).
Emotionally, fearful-avoidant individuals may experience heightened anxiety, mood swings, and difficulty regulating emotions. Cognitively, they might internalise feelings of inadequacy, believing they are undeserving of love or support. These beliefs can lead to behaviours that distance them from others, perpetuating a cycle of isolation and mistrust.
Breaking the Cycle: Towards Healing and Growth
While living with fearful-avoidant attachment presents challenges, it’s important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed. People can move towards a more secure attachment style with self-awareness, support, and intentional effort.
Therapy offers a safe and structured environment to explore the origins of fearful-avoidant attachment. Trauma-informed approaches can help individuals process unresolved feelings, develop healthier relational patterns, and learn to trust others. Through therapy, clients gain the tools to articulate their needs and explore boundaries that foster safety and connection.
Mindfulness and journaling are valuable practices for enhancing emotional awareness. These tools help people identify triggers and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Building trust through small, low-stakes interactions reinforces the idea that relationships can be safe and supportive.
Surrounding oneself with emotionally available and consistent people is equally crucial. Healthy relationships provide reassurance that intimacy does not have to equate to pain or rejection. Setting and respecting boundaries within relationships creates a sense of control and emotional safety, allowing people to engage without feeling overwhelmed.
Practising open communication strengthens relationships further. Small statements like “I felt anxious when…” or “I appreciate your support” can foster more profound understanding and emotional intimacy. Self-compassion also plays a pivotal role in breaking the cycle of fearful-avoidant attachment. People can counteract feelings of shame and self-criticism by treating themselves with kindness and recognising that healing is a process. Accepting slow progress is vital. This is not as simple as reading a book and being securely attached. . . .if only it were that easy!
Moving Forward
Awareness of relational patterns is the first step towards making changes. By recognising tendencies to withdraw or cling, people can pause, reflect and choose new responses that align with their goals. Progress may be gradual, but each tiny baby step in the right direction – whether it’s opening up to someone or managing emotions more effectively – is worth celebrating. They’re the little wins that keep us motivated to continue forward.
Breaking the cycle of fearful-avoidant attachment is not easy, but it’s possible. We can all shift towards secure attachment with professional guidance, supportive relationships, and a commitment to self-care. This transformation improves relationships and fosters a deeper sense of self-worth and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
References
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Publications.
Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganised/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.
Attachment Intro
Attachment Intro (1)
As many know, I work with adolescents and adults, offering in-person and online therapy (I prefer to work online only with adults). My work fills me with a profound sense of purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy instead of the Sunday night dread many describe. I’ll always be indebted to my friend JQ, who encouraged me to pursue the counselling and psychotherapy course that led me here.
My work is a privilege. Each day, I am invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths, and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life – or an expert in any sense. I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask reasoned questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. In truth, I learn as much from my clients as they (hopefully) learn from me. Each session offers new insights – sometimes factual, other times fascinating.
Family Dynamics and Their Impact
Family dynamics frequently emerge as a central theme in therapy. Many of my clients have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. Others grapple with strained or unconventional family relationships that profoundly shape their emotional responses and worldviews. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold immense potential for healing and growth. When repairing family ties isn’t possible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can provide the same sense of support and connection.
A Growing Interest in Attachment Styles
Recently, many of my clients have shown a keen interest in attachment styles. They’ve explored online resources to better understand their relationships and how childhood experiences have shaped their approaches to intimacy, trust and conflict. Some feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away, a dynamic that can leave them feeling confused and frustrated, which is why they end up in a room with me – to try to make sense of it all.
Relationships, while deeply rewarding, can be complex and sometimes overwhelming. For individuals who haven’t experienced consistent love or reassurance during childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can feel daunting. There are various attachment types. This is not a new discovery and has been exmined by John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s theories with the “Strange Situation” experiments conducted in the 1970s. Mary Main and others in the 1980s further refined attachment theory by introducing disorganised attachment, expanding its application to include adult attachment and the intergenerational transmission of attachment styles. So, there is much to know. It’s not exactly new, but as humans, we like to know the ‘why’!
I’ve written about four attachment styles in general here. This is where therapy provides a safe and objective space to explore these patterns, improve communication, and work toward meaningful change.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding our relational patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness, and balanced interdependence.
Secure attachment is formed in early childhood through consistent, emotionally available caregiving. When caregivers respond reliably to a child’s needs, provide comfort, and encourage exploration, the child develops a sense of safety and trust. This foundation fosters emotional regulation, resilience and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships later in life. Secure attachment emerges from predictable, supportive interactions that teach the child they are valued and their needs will be met. Individuals with secure attachment thrive in relationships while maintaining independence. They regulate emotions effectively, sustain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many aspire to cultivate this style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect, where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal conflict about seeking connection. Without consistent emotional safety, the child grows up with patterns of fear, mistrust, and push-pull dynamics in relationships.
In adulthood, this attachment style is paradoxical. People crave intimacy but simultaneously fear and distrust it, creating cycles of closeness and withdrawal: “I need you… Now you’re too much… I need space… Wait, I want you again.” These cycles make it challenging to establish stability and trust in relationships.
Anxious attachment often begins in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A child may experience love and attention at times but be ignored or dismissed at other times. This unpredictability fosters insecurity, making the child hyperaware of relationships and deeply fearful of abandonment – a pattern that often persists into adulthood.
Adults with anxious attachment frequently fear rejection and seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with self-worth and rely on their partners for validation, often becoming preoccupied with their partner’s emotions or behaviours. This hypervigilance can create cycles of insecurity and strain in relationships, even though their deep capacity for connection is a strength.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. Children suppress their emotions and build self-reliance to protect themselves from rejection or unmet needs. This pattern often translates into an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. Adults with avoidant attachment strongly emphasise independence, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. While they may desire connection, their fear of dependence or being hurt leads them to create emotional distance. This self-protective behaviour can leave partners feeling neglected or unloved, even when care exists.
The Path to Change
While attachment styles often originate in childhood, they are not fixed. Individuals can move toward a secure attachment style with awareness, effort, and support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore and challenge these patterns, helping people navigate relationships with greater confidence and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Loving You
Loving You
There’s a difference between someone loving you and you loving someone. While both involve care, affection, and connection, they come from different sources and serve distinct emotional needs.
Someone Loving You
When someone loves you, you are the recipient of their affection. This love can make you feel validated, cared for, and supported. It nurtures your self-worth and offers a sense of belonging. However, the love you receive from others, while wonderful, is not something you can control or create – it is an external source of emotional nourishment.
While being loved by someone else can enhance your happiness, it cannot fill the void if you lack a strong foundation of self-love. Relying solely on external love can lead to dependency, insecurity or disappointment when that love doesn’t meet all your emotional needs.
You Loving Someone
On the other hand, loving someone comes from your inner capacity to give affection, care and emotional support. This love is an expression of who you are and what you value. However, loving someone else should be rooted in a healthy understanding and love for yourself. Without self-love, your love for others may become imbalanced, leading to over-giving, people-pleasing, or losing yourself in the relationship while seeking external validation or approval.
Challenges with Giving or Receiving Love
If you struggle to give or receive love, you are not alone. Many people face barriers because of past experiences, trust issues, or deeply held beliefs about themselves and others. For example, loving and being loved require vulnerability, which can feel overwhelming if you’ve been hurt in the past. Opening up can feel risky, but starting small – like sharing your feelings with a trusted friend.- can help you build confidence in showing your true self.
Low self-worth can make it difficult to accept love. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of affection, you may unconsciously block love from others. Working on affirming your worth through self-reflective practices, positive self-talk, or therapy can help you rebuild this belief. Similarly, trust issues from past betrayals may make you hesitate to rely on others emotionally. Trust takes time to build – allow people to demonstrate their reliability gradually.
For some people the challenge lies in over-sharing. If you constantly put others’ needs above your own, you may find yourself emotionally drained. This often stems from a desire to earn love rather than giving it freely. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to care for others without neglecting your own needs. Lastly, fear of rejection can prevent you from showing affection or receiving it. Shifting your focus to the act of giving love, rather than its outcome, can help you embrace love as a gift, not a transaction.
Why Loving Yourself First Is Key
Self-love is about recognising your worth, setting healthy boundaries and meeting your emotional needs. Without it, you may look to others to fill gaps in your self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy relationships or emotional burnout. When you cultivate self-love, you become less dependent on external validation because your sense of worth comes from within. You can set healthy boundaries that protect your energy and ensure that your relationships remain balanced. This self-respect also helps you choose healthier partnerships with people who value and respect you, rather than settling because of insecurity or fear of being alone.
Loving yourself allows you to give love freely. Instead of seeking validation or reciprocation, your love becomes an expression of abundance. You can show care and affection for others without losing yourself in the process, creating relationships that feel mutually fulfilling.
The Balance of Loving and Being Loved
True emotional fulfilment comes from a balance of loving and being loved. When you love yourself, you approach relationships from a healthy perspective, able to give and receive love without losing your sense of self. Relying solely on others for love and validation can lead to emotionally draining or imbalanced relationships. Loving yourself first is not selfish – it’s essential. By cultivating self-love, you create a strong foundation for future relationships, ensuring that the love you give and receive is healthy, authentic and enriching for both you and the other person.
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Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Capacity for Love
Start by practising self-kindness and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a close friend – offer encouragement, patience and understanding instead of harsh judgment. Gratitude is another powerful tool. By recognising the love and support already present in your life, even in small moments or gestures, you can shift your perspective and nurture a deeper sense of connection. Communication is equally vital. Openly expressing your feelings and needs fosters trust and strengthens relationships over time. Celebrate the progress you make and keep in mind htat every step you take towards giving or receiving love is an achievement. By acknowledging your growth, you build confidence and reinforce your ability to form meaningful, healthy connections. Love whether it’s self-love, giving love, or accepting it is a lifelong process. Take a deep breath, embrace who you are and trust in your ability to give and receive love. The most powerful relationship you’ll ever cultivate is the one you build with yourself.
Visit www.carolinecrotty.ie to discover more ways to nurture your emotional well-being and create a life filled with love, connection and self-acceptance.
Boundaries
We might not give much thought to boundaries when life is going well or when we feel content. It can be helpful to consider having healthy boundaries and give consideration to what is/is not acceptable to us. Perhaps our boundaries need to be updated so we know what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with at this point in our lives.
Some boundaries might seem obvious. If someone were to ask: “Is it okay for someone to go through my wallet without my knowledge?”
If it is while I am in another room, behind my back, without my permission, then I’m sure we would answer, “no”. Whereas, if it were to check for our i.d. if our wallet is lost and found, then of course searching through our property would be okay!
Another example of a boundary is our sense of personal space which differs depending on the person we’re with. Think of someone we don’t know who stands super close while speaking with us or someone who wants to hug us when we don’t want to hug them!
I may consider certain boundaries vital, while someone else may never have thought about them. I might constantly work late, while someone with a clear boundary about family time will always leave the office on time. We all have different boundaries and that is okay!
What are boundaries?
They are guidelines or rules that we set for ourselves about what’s acceptable and safe for us. Boundaries help us make healthy choices in relationships with ourselves and with others.
Healthy boundaries help us to stick with what makes us feel comfortable and less likely to engage in activities about which we might later feel uncomfortable.
When we set healthy boundaries we:
– make decisions about what we want for ourselves
– can say ‘no’ without fearing rejection
– are okay when others say ‘no’
– allow ourselves to be open with others whom we know and trust
– recognise what we need to take care of ourselves
– understand that our boundaries differ from others
– ask for help when needed
– have a clear sense of identity
– set limits for ourselves/others
– are firm rather than rigid
– recognise we are responsible for ourselves
Relationship boundaries vary and what might be a dealbreaker for one person might not be an issue for another. Examining whether your boundaries align with your partner and those of your friends is helpful. It allows you to understand others and meet them where they are at and it also means that you know what you will/not accept from others. To me, boundaries are also about respecting ourselves and those we care about.
To examine boundaries, take stock of your values and what is important to you in life. Understand why healthy boundaries are important and why your boundaries are your responsibility. When we are unclear about our values and what is important to us in life, we may be tempted to go with the flow too often or people-please.
You have choices and control over your actions. Keep in mind that in relationships, guilt-tripping or silent treatment are unhealthy and unacceptable. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions, and it is not selfish to set healthy boundaries. In the same way, we must respect when others put boundaries in place for themselves too.
“In order to thrive and be successful, you have to be able to set boundaries” Oprah.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
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