September Change

September marks the beginning of autumn. It brings with it new beginnings. Perhaps your child is starting nursery or primary school. Maybe your adolescent is moving away to attend university or starting a new job having finished school. There may be a heavy financial burden with childminding, uniforms, books or education fees. September is a time of significant change. With change, comes stress.

Here are some reminders of what you already know that you can put into place to help you (and to help your worried child).

Adults and children worry. Children pick up on how their parents are feeling, so try to remain calm and speak calmly with your children. Don’t put your worries on to your children.

If you have a worried child, please let them know that you understand something is going on for them. Encourage them to chat with you about whatever is on their mind. Be sensitive to their needs. Give them your undivided attention if they are speaking with you. Ask how they are feeling about whatever is going on. (Do not ask ‘are you stressed about returning to school?’ as it’s too leading). Listen to their response. It might not be what you expect. Resist the temptation to swoop in and make everything okay and fix the issue. Instead, allow your child to voice their concerns without interruption. Talking through fears is beneficial (depending on age). Be reassuring. Validate worries and feelings. Explain that you understand. Thank them for telling you. Ask them what you can do to help. Ask them what they can do to help themselves which gives children a sense of control and fosters solutions-focused thinking.

Well-intentioned parents might allow their child to avoid school if they don’t want to go. However, avoiding school will not help your child. School refusal will not be improved by avoiding the source of stress (i.e. school). Get your child into school, even if it just for the classes until first break. Be firm but encouraging despite your own feelings. Consistently attending school will eventually settle your child’s upset.

Give praise for confiding in you and doing their best. Ask if they want to hear your suggestions. Return to school nerves are usually temporary. Be consistent in your message that there is a solution for every problem or that we can work towards acceptance following trauma.

How you help your child is how you can help yourself. Model positive coping skills and a positive outlook. There are several facets to minding our health and staying healthy such as eating well, exercising, getting sufficient sleep, and taking time out. There are five steps to improving emotional health and wellbeing that are true for adults and children: Connecting, Learning, Giving, Activity, and Focusing!

You are your child’s role model. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child.

Connecting can help us feel more satisfied with life as it provides a sense of belonging – visiting a neighbour, walking with someone, joining a volunteering group etc. Being with others affords us an opportunity to express ourselves and we connect by listening, so it’s win/win. When our social circle is tiny (or non-existent) September might be the best time to become involved in something locally!

Giving to others helps us feel more positive and provides a sense of purpose. Giving promotes connecting. Bake a cake, offer to teach someone how to do something or give thanks by sending a text/card/email.

Learning new things can boost our self-esteem and optimism. Learning does not have to be academic – learn how to draw, paint, sing or play ukulele.

Activity benefits physical and emotional wellbeing. Physical activity changes the chemicals in our brains and can improve our self-esteem.

Focusing attention on thoughts, feelings and physical sensations can improve our mood. Having something to look forward to and focusing on deep breathing are beneficial!

Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Worrying

“Worrying is time well spent ” said no one. Ever!

Recall an event that you wasted time worrying about. Perhaps you worried so much, that you were snappy and irritable with your friends or family. Maybe you spent nights unable to fall asleep or once asleep, couldn’t stay asleep and kept waking. You may even have run through every possible negative scenario, (i.e. catastrophising) about the event and examined all the ways in which disaster could strike!

Back to reality now! Did any of that worry change anything about the event? Even though you worried, you had zero control over what took place. Worrying did not determine or govern the outcome.

For one minute, imagine that you know exactly what lies ahead in life, that you know what is going to happen and when. Ask yourself whether it is possible to be certain about everything in life. Being 100% certain about life would mean that you know what results we will get in exams, or whether we will succeed in a new job or in a relationship. We would know whether Tipp or KK will win the All-Ireland Hurling Final 2019. We would also know when we and our loved ones are going to die.

So, instead of worrying, perhaps it might be time to take a different approach and use your time more wisely by learning to accept uncertainty.

When we worry, we often over-exaggerate the likelihood of something going wrong. However, challenging our irrational thoughts about uncertainty can help. In my experience, it’s the uncertainty that we don’t like, it doesn’t sit well with us. We want to know what’s going to happen, sometimes because we think we can be prepared.

The next time you are worrying, ask yourself:

What exactly am I bothered about?

Is it probable, likely or guaranteed?

Is this a feeling or is this a fact?

Is this my imagination?

If I can start a sentence with “what if…” the likelihood is that this is my amazing imagination!

People tell me that being prepared for every eventuality can seem useful and give a sense of security and I question whether this is true.

If you think like this, it might be an idea to take out a pen and sheet of paper and challenge your belief that we need to or have to worry and answer the following questions:

· Can I be certain about my future?

· Are there advantages to being certain about everything?

· Are there disadvantages to wanting certainty of outcome?

· Why do I need to have certainty about the future?

· Do I predict that bad things will happen because they are uncertain?

· What is the likelihood that my predictions will come true?

· Can I live with uncertainty? (Nothing in life is certain except death).

So rather than worry about the uncertainty of the future, perhaps you might instead try to focus on your breath and breathing as outlined here. Get up and move to a different location in your house or at work – this can help to reset your mind. Pay close attention and listen to the sounds around you. What can you hear? What are the sensations in your body? Can you feel your feet in your shoes? Can you wriggle your toes? Grounding yourself in the here and now can be helpful when you are prone to succumbing to worrying about (potential) future events. Check out the 54321 grounding technique here .

We all worry but for some of us it can be problematic at various times throughout our lives. Talking therapies and cognitive behavioural therapy – CBT – can help you challenge unhelpful or negative thoughts. Don’t be afraid to ask for help to tackle your worry.

www.carolinecrotty.ie

Silence Is Golden

Our world has become busier than ever, full of busy people with busy lives and whilst technology has been an amazing advancement for humanity it also is a scourge in that we are constantly contactable and there is always some noise coming from some screen nearby! It’s hard to hear our own thoughts at times. How can we relax or know what we are thinking unless we have silence to pay attention and listen to our thoughts?

I often talk about relaxation and explain that relaxation is not lying on the sofa in front of the tv with a glass of wine – sorry! Relaxation is really helped by spending time alone, with our thoughts, in silence.

ALONE IN SILENCE beause silence is golden.

We live in a world where any time spent alone is usually filled with noise and distractions. When we go for a walk or a drive, we invariably listen to music or to the latest podcast. We sit at home and have the radio, tv or some screen at hand.

Spending time in silence is something I encourage because it can reduce tension in both brain and body in mere minutes.

Silence is healthy and can boost the body’s immune system, decrease stress, encourage brain cell growth, reduce blood pressure and improve sleep. And that’s not all!

Time in silence, alone with our thoughts allows our brains an opportunity to examine our thoughts rather than constantly distracting ourselves from them. When we are in silence, we often day dream or run through events. This allows for an opportunity to become more creative and to self-reflect.

We can easily create opportunities to be in silence and only a few minutes every day is beneficial. For example, sitting in silence in our car or going for a walk outside in nature without any device (i.e. no mobile phone or screen).

Nature is therapeutic and that, coupled with being alone, can be very healthy.

Being in the house without screens or noise might be aspirational particularly if the house is very busy. Perhaps try getting up earlier than the others so you have your few minutes of silence before the house wakes.

Driving whilst concentrating on your breath or on the surrounding scenery can be helpful.

Allowing quiet time every day can lead to feeling calmer and more in control of thoughts.

Learning how to deep breathe can help. Meditation also offers an opportunity to switch off from all the stresses and strains that we put our minds under.

Set yourself the goal of taking some minutes every day to be with your thoughts, to sit and breathe and be calm. You’ll be glad that you did.