As many know, I work with adolescents and adults, offering in-person and online therapy (I prefer to work online only with adults). My work fills me with a profound sense of purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy instead of the Sunday night dread many describe. I’ll always be indebted to my friend JQ, who encouraged me to pursue the counselling and psychotherapy course that led me here.
My work is a privilege. Each day, I am invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths, and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life – or an expert in any sense. I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask reasoned questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. In truth, I learn as much from my clients as they (hopefully) learn from me. Each session offers new insights – sometimes factual, other times fascinating.
Family Dynamics and Their Impact
Family dynamics frequently emerge as a central theme in therapy. Many of my clients have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. Others grapple with strained or unconventional family relationships that profoundly shape their emotional responses and worldviews. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold immense potential for healing and growth. When repairing family ties isn’t possible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can provide the same sense of support and connection.
A Growing Interest in Attachment Styles
Recently, many of my clients have shown a keen interest in attachment styles. They’ve explored online resources to better understand their relationships and how childhood experiences have shaped their approaches to intimacy, trust and conflict. Some feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away, a dynamic that can leave them feeling confused and frustrated, which is why they end up in a room with me – to try to make sense of it all.
Relationships, while deeply rewarding, can be complex and sometimes overwhelming. For individuals who haven’t experienced consistent love or reassurance during childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can feel daunting. There are various attachment types. This is not a new discovery and has been exmined by John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s theories with the “Strange Situation” experiments conducted in the 1970s. Mary Main and others in the 1980s further refined attachment theory by introducing disorganised attachment, expanding its application to include adult attachment and the intergenerational transmission of attachment styles. So, there is much to know. It’s not exactly new, but as humans, we like to know the ‘why’!
I’ve written about four attachment styles in general here. This is where therapy provides a safe and objective space to explore these patterns, improve communication, and work toward meaningful change.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding our relational patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness, and balanced interdependence.
Secure attachment is formed in early childhood through consistent, emotionally available caregiving. When caregivers respond reliably to a child’s needs, provide comfort, and encourage exploration, the child develops a sense of safety and trust. This foundation fosters emotional regulation, resilience and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships later in life. Secure attachment emerges from predictable, supportive interactions that teach the child they are valued and their needs will be met. Individuals with secure attachment thrive in relationships while maintaining independence. They regulate emotions effectively, sustain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many aspire to cultivate this style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect, where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal conflict about seeking connection. Without consistent emotional safety, the child grows up with patterns of fear, mistrust, and push-pull dynamics in relationships.
In adulthood, this attachment style is paradoxical. People crave intimacy but simultaneously fear and distrust it, creating cycles of closeness and withdrawal: “I need you… Now you’re too much… I need space… Wait, I want you again.” These cycles make it challenging to establish stability and trust in relationships.
Anxious attachment often begins in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A child may experience love and attention at times but be ignored or dismissed at other times. This unpredictability fosters insecurity, making the child hyperaware of relationships and deeply fearful of abandonment – a pattern that often persists into adulthood.
Adults with anxious attachment frequently fear rejection and seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with self-worth and rely on their partners for validation, often becoming preoccupied with their partner’s emotions or behaviours. This hypervigilance can create cycles of insecurity and strain in relationships, even though their deep capacity for connection is a strength.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. Children suppress their emotions and build self-reliance to protect themselves from rejection or unmet needs. This pattern often translates into an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. Adults with avoidant attachment strongly emphasise independence, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. While they may desire connection, their fear of dependence or being hurt leads them to create emotional distance. This self-protective behaviour can leave partners feeling neglected or unloved, even when care exists.
The Path to Change
While attachment styles often originate in childhood, they are not fixed. Individuals can move toward a secure attachment style with awareness, effort, and support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore and challenge these patterns, helping people navigate relationships with greater confidence and emotional resilience.
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Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited - 636306 - Suite 7, Block A, South Terrace Medical Centre, Infirmary Road, Cork T12 WF40
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