As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass.
We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
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In psychology and philosophy, “razors” are principles or mental shortcuts designed to simplify our decisions and explanations. While they originated in philosophy, many razors are relevant to human behaviour, helping us think critically, navigate uncertainty and improve relationships.
Razors are practical tools that clarify and guide our decisions and interactions. They offer clear rules of thumb to cut through overthinking, focus on what matters and simplify the complexities of life.
Here’s how some key razors influence how we live:
Occam’s Razor is the principle that the simplest explanation is usually the best. It’s a wonderful tool for understanding behaviour. For instance, if someone seems anxious, the simplest explanation might be that they’re dealing with a stressful life event rather than assuming a more complex explanation. When my car won’t start, Occam’s Razor suggests it’s likely the battery, not engine failure. This razor reminds us to seek simple, likely answers (rather than overcomplicating things).
The Golden Razor encourages us to live by the principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s an ideal rule for relationships or therapy because it highlights the importance of empathy and fairness. Whether navigating a conflict or supporting someone struggling, treating others with kindness nurtures harmony and improves mental health.
Hanlon’s Razor is a favourite of mine! It advises never to attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance or incompetence. This razor has been a lifesaver for me in interpreting behaviour. For example, if someone forgets your birthday, it’s more likely they’re busy/distracted than intentionally uncaring. Hanlon’s Razor can transform how we view others by reducing hostility and fostering understanding.
Hitchens’s Razor sharpens critical thinking with its principle: “What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.” I love how this razor encourages scepticism and rationality. For example, if someone claims they’re the Queen of Sheba without evidence, the claim holds no weight. Using Hitchens’s Razor helps us challenge unsupported beliefs and rethink assumptions.
Grice’s Razor is a great communication tool. It advises us to take others at their word without overthinking their motives or feelings. If someone says, “I’ll be late,” Grice’s Razor reminds us not to overthink the why/reasons, like assuming avoidance/anger – and accept they’re just running late. It’s a wonderful way to reduce tension and foster clearer understanding.
Parkinson’s Law of Triviality highlights our tendency to focus on minor details to avoid bigger, more challenging tasks. When I find myself cleaning instead of working on a college assignment, it shows I’m procrastinating! Recognising this behaviour can help us redirect energy towards what really matters.
Hume’s Guillotine reminds us that just because something exists doesn’t mean it should. Stress, for example, is a natural response, but it doesn’t mean we should live with chronic stress – that calls for intervention. Similarly, interruptions at work don’t need to be passively accepted – many can be addressed and improved.
Razors, whether philosophical or psychological, aren’t just abstract concepts. They’re tools for simplifying decisions and fostering better relationships. For me, they’re invaluable in finding balance.and I hope you find them helpful too!
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Conflict is inevitable in human interaction, whether in personal relationships, workplaces or social settings. Understanding the psychological underpinnings of conflicts can help us manage them more effectively, transforming potential stressors into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. At the heart of most conflicts lie three key psychological factors: ego, defensiveness, and vulnerability. Depending on how these factors are navigated, they can escalate disputes or serve as pathways to resolution.
The ego is the part of our psyche that craves validation and self-preservation. It often acts as a barrier during conflicts, preventing us from acknowledging our role in disagreements. The ego resists admitting fault or compromise because doing so may feel like a threat to our identity or self-worth.
For example, in a workplace dispute, one colleague might feel overshadowed by another’s success. Instead of directly addressing feelings of inadequacy, the ego might push them to criticise their colleague’s methods or intentions. This defensive posture creates an environment where resolution becomes difficult, as neither party feels heard or understood.
Defensiveness is a natural response to perceived threats but can quickly escalate conflicts. When we feel attacked—intentionally or not—we often respond by deflecting blame or counterattacking. This creates a cycle where both parties become entrenched in their positions, making resolution elusive.
For instance, in a personal relationship, one partner might respond to feedback with: “Well, you do the same thing!” This shifts the focus away from the issue at hand and onto the other person’s flaws, intensifying the conflict instead of resolving it.
While ego and defensiveness fuel conflict, vulnerability can diffuse it. Being vulnerable means setting aside the need to appear perfect or invulnerable and acknowledging emotions and responsibilities. Vulnerability fosters empathy and opens the door to genuine dialogue.
For example, in a disagreement between friends where one feels neglected, the other might respond: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve been caught up in work and haven’t been as present as I’d like. Let’s talk about how I can do better.” This approach invites collaboration and mutual understanding, paving the way for resolution.
To navigate conflicts constructively, it’s essential to address these psychological factors with intention. Here are actionable strategies to guide the process:
Pause and Reflect:
Take a step back when tensions rise. Reflect on your emotions and motivations before responding. Ask yourself, “Is my ego driving this reaction? Am I being defensive?” This self-awareness can help you approach the situation with greater clarity.
Own It:
Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Admitting mistakes or acknowledging the other person’s perspective demonstrates maturity and can disarm defensiveness in the other party. Use statements like: “I see how I may have contributed to this situation.”
Practice Active Listening:
Focus on hearing the other person’s concerns without interrupting or planning your response. Paraphrase their points to show understanding and validate their feelings: “It sounds like you’re upset because you felt excluded. Is that right?”
Express Vulnerability:
Share your emotions honestly and constructively. Instead of blaming, use “I” statements to convey your feelings: “I felt hurt when our plans were cancelled without telling me because it made me feel unimportant.”
Collaborate on Solutions:
Shift the focus from assigning blame to finding solutions. Ask open-ended questions like: “What can we do to prevent this from happening again?” or “How can we move forward?” This fosters a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility.
Consider a scenario where two team members disagree over the division of responsibilities for a project. One person feels overwhelmed, believing the other isn’t pulling their weight, while the other feels micromanaged. If both approach the conflict defensively, the situation may escalate:
Overwhelmed work colleague: “You’re always complaining!”
Micromanaged work colleague: “You never appreciate my efforts!”
However, introducing vulnerability can shift the dynamic:
Overwhelmed work colleague: “I’m feeling stressed because I’m taking on more than I can handle. Can we revisit how we’ve divided the tasks?”
Micromanaged work colleague: “I didn’t realise you felt this way. I’ve hesitated to take the initiative because I wasn’t sure I was trusted to handle it.”
By addressing feelings openly and collaborating on solutions, the team mates can rebuild trust and create a more balanced dynamic.
Resolving conflicts requires navigating the interplay of ego, defensiveness, and vulnerability with care and intention. By fostering self-awareness, embracing vulnerability, and focusing on constructive dialogue, we can transform conflicts into opportunities for connection and growth. The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, remember that the path to resolution often begins with understanding yourself and the other person.
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Whenever I hear the word “lesson,” it might bring to mind school homework but here, it takes on a different meaning. The lessons in this collection are about learning from the following suggestions and gaining new insights that can shape your perspective and behaviour.
This set of 50 lessons is designed to inspire growth, cultivate balance and help you thrive across all areas of life – personal development, health, relationships and financial wellbeing. Each reminder gently nudges you towards living with purpose and intention, offering practical steps to embrace change, nurture self-care and build meaningful connections. Let these lessons guide you to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life ahead.
These reminders can guide you towards a healthier, happier and more purposeful year ahead. Which resonates most with you? Which will you put into practice today?
Wishing you joy, love, please, health and great contentment this year.
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