As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass.
We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
www.carolinecrotty.ie
At Caroline Crotty Counselling and Psychotherapy Cork, we provide compassionate support to adults and adolescents. Our services are distinguished by a unique combination of online and in-person therapy sessions, offering unparalleled flexibility to suit your needs.
Online therapy enables access to counselling and psychotherapy from the comfort of your home, a vital resource for people with mobility challenges, living in remote areas, or with demanding schedules. Online appointments ensure that geographical location is not a barrier to receiving high-quality care.
Conversely, our in-person sessions offer the irreplaceable value of face-to-face interaction within a safe and confidential space. It’s a sanctuary where you can disconnect from the outside world.
Understanding that everyone’s needs differ, we pride ourselves on customising our approach to emotional health. Whether you opt for weekly online check-ins with monthly face-to-face appointments or prefer a different arrangement, we accommodate your lifestyle and preferences to ensure effective and consistent care.
Our hybrid approach guarantees continuity of care. Whether your life involves travel or relocation, your therapeutic progress remains uninterrupted. Rest assured that the standard of support and care you expect from us will follow you, no matter where life takes you.
In conclusion, Caroline Crotty’s integrated therapy services are transformative for those seeking emotional support. If you’re ready to embark on a more fulfilling life, we invite you to reach out. Discover how this innovative approach can be tailored just for you.
Therapy is a space where all topics are welcome – nothing is taboo – and where the act of starting the therapeutic process itself can be a transformative experience.
Embarking on therapy, whether it is virtual or face-to-face, marks a courageous step toward personal growth, healing, and enhanced wellbeing. To schedule an initial session or if you have any questions, please get in touch with us at hello@carolinecrotty.ie
For more information, visit our website at www.carolinecrotty.ie
Stress and anxiety are natural elements of life, but learning how to reduce stress and anxiety can significantly improve our wellbeing. Fortunately, there are evidence-backed techniques that empower you to take control of your emotional and mental health.
Mindfulness is a powerful technique that involves focusing our attention on the present moment, maintaining an awareness of thoughts, feelings, and environment through a compassionate and accepting lens. Originating in Buddhist meditation, secular mindfulness practice is now mainstream. Numerous studies demonstrate its effectiveness in reducing stress and anxiety. By cultivating mindfulness, we can develop an increased awareness of our thoughts and feelings, allowing us to respond to stressors more clearly and calmly. We might begin by paying attention to whatever is around us by looking at the sky, the colours of leaves, feeling our feet on the ground while noticing our breath – that is being present and mindful, and we can do it wherever and whenever.
Physical exercise is a game-changer. Keep moving – as long as your body allows – regardless of age. Engaging in regular physical exercise is beneficial for our physical and mental health. Exercise releases endorphins, natural mood-boosting chemicals. It also reduces stress hormones and improves sleep, all contributing to a decrease in stress and anxiety levels. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise on most weekdays.
A healthy lifestyle plays a crucial role in managing stress and anxiety. Ensure you get enough sleep and prioritise a balanced diet with nutrient-rich foods. Limit the intake of caffeine and alcohol, which can contribute to anxiety symptoms. Stay hydrated with water. Additionally, practising good time management and setting realistic goals can reduce feelings of overwhelm and stress. You might find the guide to better sleep helpful.
Social support is essential for coping with stress and anxiety. Loneliness can impact health and wellbeing. Cultivate strong relationships with friends, family, or support groups who can provide understanding, empathy and encouragement. Research suggests that having a reliable support network can buffer the adverse effects of stress and enhance our overall wellbeing. Join a group if you feel isolated. Phone the Samaritans any time, day or night, on 116123 (no charge from mobile or landline).
Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a well-established, evidence-based approach to managing stress and anxiety. CBT helps identify and challenge negative thought patterns and replace them with more realistic and helpful thoughts. Reframing our perceptions and beliefs can reduce anxiety and improve our ability to cope with stressors. Courses can be found at: CCI Health Self-Help Resources.
Engaging in self-care activities is crucial for stress management. Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as hobbies, reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature. Setting aside regular periods for self-care helps replenish our energy, promotes emotional wellbeing, and reduces the impact of stressors. There are some self-care tips here.
Finally, reducing stress and anxiety is possible through evidence-based strategies. We can take proactive steps towards improving our mental wellbeing by incorporating mindfulness, exercise, healthy lifestyle choices, social support, cognitive-behavioural techniques, and self-care activities into our daily routines. It is vital to tailor these to your individual needs (cut your cloth according to your measure) and consult a mental health professional if you require additional support.
Caroline Crotty, Cork city-based Counsellor & Psychotherapist
www.carolinecrotty.ie
hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited - 636306 - Suite 7, Block A, South Terrace Medical Centre, Infirmary Road, Cork T12 WF40
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