And with anxiety, comes self-doubt. “What if I get a panic attack when I’m in the supermarket?”. We might try to visualise what could happen if we start to feel anxious in a public place? What will I do if I feel anxious at the hair salon or in a queue for a gig? Racing thoughts come with racing questions “What if I feel unwell?” “What if I faint?” “What will I do if I’m dizzy?” and, before you know it, you’ve worked yourself up into a frenzy of horrible thoughts accompanied by horrible anxious feelings and there is no sense of calm about anything. Sometimes the whole world can seem unsafe and scary.
Hot summers often render people feeling anxious. If I associate being hot and sweaty with feeling anxious then a hot summer is bound to be tough because your brain (and body) are trying to figure out what the heat means!
Our thoughts are crucial to how we feel. When we start thinking of worst case scenarios like not being able to cope when we are down the hair salon, the world can become frightening. We might become a little nervous about going too far away from home – just in case we need to come home in a hurry if we are not feeling great. Home is where we feel calm. Home is a “safe place” and sometimes when we are very anxious feeling that we are too far away from home, can mean that anxious feelings and anxious thoughts take over.
We might be nervous that anxious feelings might strike because we are away from home. This often leads to people not enjoying or living life to its full because they are nervous about feeling anxious in a public place.
Being fearful of fearful feelings. But, think about this – our bodies do not know where we are. If we were unconscious or under general anaesthetic, our bodies could be in Barcelona or Bantry and we wouldn’t know! Often, therefore, our thoughts contribute to our symptoms and feelings of anxiety.
When we have several thoughts or worries at once, that can signal our bodies to react. If our mind is focused on stressful thoughts, or on too many things at once, or panicking about potentially feeling panicky, anxiety levels in our body can increase and remain high.
Learning how to focus our thoughts on something calm/ or peaceful can help us feel calm and able to manage our anxieties more effectively. Rather than letting our minds wander off with worst case scenarios, we can focus on our breath.
Our breath is a great point of focus.
Focusing attention on breath and breathing can reduce the anxiety response in our body and help us remain calm and in control.
Everyone can learn how to focus on breath and breathing whenever we feel that we are getting a little anxious. That is very powerful – to be able to control how we feel simply with our breath. I find this fascinating and encourage everyone I know (everyone who will listen to me that is) to practice calm / deep breathing because, in my experience, it is life-changing.
Focusing on breathing can help us stop focusing on anxious thoughts. We can learn how to slow down our breath, helping us stay calm.
Most often, our anxious thoughts and busy lifestyles mean that we breathe as if we are only using the upper parts of our respiratory system. This is an overly simplistic way of explaining this but the reality is that as adults, we rarely breathe so deeply that our tummies move. We might even hold our breath without realising it. Newborn babies breathe with their tummies rising and falling, however, as adults we rarely do.
Calm/Deep breathing increasees the volume of breath that enters our lungs. Calm / Deep breathing helps alleviate anxiety by slowing down our heart rate, relaxing our muscles and allowing us the opportunty to think more rationally and clearly.
So how do we breathe deeply?
Sit or lie down comfortably. Close your eyes. Place one hand on your tummy which will help you feel your tummy rise. Place your other hand on your chest or heart. Imagine a round balloon in your tummy with the opening at the top, close to your lungs. Inhale. Imagine your breath filling that balloon. As you inhale, your tummy will rise. Think about your breath filling your lungs from the bottom up (in the same way that an empty bottle fills with water from the bottom up). When you are ready to exhale, allow the air out of your body from the bottom up, emptying the balloon first, then your lungs and upper chest. Repeat this until it feels comfortable.
Initially, deep/calm breathing can feel a little weird and you might even begin to feel anxious. This is perfectly normal and it happens because you are not accustomed to breathing in this way and your body/mind are trying to figure out what’s going on.
The more often you practice this new skill, the more familiar it becomes. Take your time, practice calm/deep breathing when you are at your most relaxed so that you will be able to use it when you are not relaxed. Inhale through your nose. Exhale through either nose or mouth particularly as you are learning how to do this.
Anxiety tips: Tell someone you trust about how you feel. Sharing a problem and worry can give you perspective. Don’t face your worries alone. Counselling, psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be effective for treating anxiety symptoms / anxiety disorders. Eat well and regularly. Reduce caffeine and alcohol and cigarettes. Exercise: anything that increases your heart-rate and gets you sweaty helps alleviate anxiety!
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Anxiety is as natural as breathing! Although we often view it as negative, anxiety is not all bad – it helps keep us motivated and focused, it changes our behaviour in a productive way i.e. look how anxiety gets us going when we are nearing an assignment or work deadline!
However, if you are wasting time thinking about worst case scenarios or catastrophising – here are 20 top-tips to help alleviate those anxious feelings:
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Do you know someone who is happy? Perhaps you are that happy person. What ‘happy’ means to me may differ to how you would define it. There are possibly as many definitions of ‘happiness’ as there are people.
Various factors impact and contribute to our overall sense of happiness from involvement in our communities to celebrations, weather, finances, family etc. I don’t have enough space here to examine influences on or definitions of happiness but in my experience, everyone wants to be happy.
Ask yourself ‘Do I want to be happy? If the answer is ‘yes’ put a plan of action into place. We all know that life is not fair but being happy requires an investment of your time and effort because happy people work at being happy.
If you want to be happy follow these tips:
Accept yourself completely – just as you are AND accept your reality. This means you accept your family, house, appearance, birthplace, strengths/limitations, history etc. Acceptance is the key to happiness. (This is not easy but it is vital).
Learn something new – how to put up a shelf, knit, sew, bake a sponge cake – keep your brain active with new knowledge and skills.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. Forgive others for theirs. Let go of resentments – it is difficult to be happy with a heavy heart.
Engage in activities. Start a new hobby such as yoga or Bridge. Join a club or start one e.g. a book club or dinner club with your neighbours/friends.
Spend time with people that make you feel good, ideally positive people. Avoid people who stress you out or drain your energies.
Have a sense of purpose. Happy people have something to do or somewhere to go (even if it is just to the shop for milk).
Do things you are good at, that you enjoy, that are fun or make you feel good. Do them often.
Say NO. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it. If you do, then do so without complaint.
Acknowledge that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions, you are only responsible for yours.
Find your voice and say when you are unhappy about something. (Say I feel x when y because z)
Nurture a loving relationship with YOU. Happy people give themselves breaks and let themselves off the hook. They learn how to relax and how to manage anxieties/stresses.
Set short-term achievable goals. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting unattainable goals! Set a goal, achieve it, acknowledge the achievement then set new goals!
Invest time in others. Make time for your partner, children, friends, neighbours or strangers.
Watch your language. I don’t mean swear words I mean self-talk. Say only positive things and use only positive words particularly when talking about you.
Help others because it makes us feel happy. Help willingly. Volunteer in your community or to do something nice for a neighbour.
Your brain believes you must be happy if you are smiling, it immediately raises your mood. Smiles are contagious.
Treat your body as well as you can. Eat well, hydrate, keep moving and breathe slowly.
Be kind and gentle, forgiving and compassionate with YOU and others.
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If we are attempting to change our thinking pattern it can be helpful to analyse what we are saying to ourselves (in our minds). When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative or illogical thoughts with more positive, rational ones.
Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Is your thinking magical (if x then y)?
To challenge negative thoughts or irrational thinking, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. I have inserted a sample answer.
If you find answering all the questions difficult at first, perhaps start on week one with just the first two questions and the following week answer the first three questions and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be automatically challenging your negative thoughts.
In my car driving home from work.
Someone pulled into the road in front of me and caused me to brake hard. I got a fright because I nearly crashed.
How can people be so thoughtless. That driver is so reckless. He didn’t think about me or the dangers. I could have rear-ended that car. My insurance premium would sky-rocket. I can’t afford another bill. He is such an idiot.
I was fuming. I was so angry I was shaking. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. I could feel my face turn red and my heart-beat quicken.
I shouted and shook my fist at the driver. I banged my fist on the steering wheel. I drove more quickly.
I didn’t crash. The driver was probably distracted by something else and didn’t see me. This is nothing personal. I can ignore the incident because it is not going to be important in a year’s time. I can focus on the radio, music or calm breathing instead of getting angry. I am in control of my emotions and my thoughts. I am okay. Pull back and allow a greater distance in between me and the car in front because that helps keep me calm.
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Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others “I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
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