When parents are separating, the ideal situation is for them both to sit down, together with their child, and explain the plan for the separation, giving your child as much information as is appropriate based on the maturity of the child. At that time, parents can reassure their child that they, the parents, will always be available and will answer any questions the child might have.
Parents can explain the intended outcome of the separation and affirm that it is a positive change. Parents can chat about and also demonstrate to the child that they are loved, safe and secure and that regardless of what is going on between the parents, the child’s wellbeing always comes first. Reassurance can be given that although the family is changing, it is not ending.
HOWEVER, life doesn’t always allow for the “ideal situation” and thus, each separation is different. Some separations occur following the slow deterioration of a relationship however, for others, something may happen to result in one parent suddenly leaving the family home with the children and without a definitive plan.
Change following separation can be difficult and frought. There may be several questions following separation including “who will live where”, “who’s going to drive/drop/collect”; “how will we manage holidays” and “why?” Be as honest as you can without sounding aggressive and always try to sound grounded and impartial.
It is important that your child has time to process what is happening and to adjust to the new and perhaps unexpected changes. Ensure your teen receives adequate reassurances from you both, as parents, so your child feels in control and as relaxed as possible despite the change in circumstances.
Remind yourself that two happy homes are more beneficial to your child than one unhappy/stress-filled home.
Support your child’s relationship with the other parent during and following separation. Reassure your child that the separation is not your child’s fault. Don’t discuss your former partner’s wrong-doings or complain about them to your child or in your child’s presence.
It may be a good idea for your child to have someone outside of you, with whom they can chat about how they’re feeling and discuss thoughts, worries or feelings such as a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Talk to your child about his/her needs and listen to all opinions. Teenagers are quite reliant on their peers and although you may want your child to see your perspective, they may see life through their lens and focus on their own particular needs and issues. Be patient, talk and listen attentively when your teen speaks and comes to you to chat.
Whenever you have a family occasion, put your child first and make plans well in advance. Try to be as inclusive as possible with all family members. Do not ban your child from forming relationships with your ex’s new partner for example. Always stick to arranged plans and be there when you say you will. It is tempting to buy nice things to cheer up your child but providing love and care is better than providing more stuff – presence rather than presents!
Your child is not there to support you – you’re there to support your child. If you find you are struggling emotionally, please ask for help.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
You might feel lonely that your youngest is starting school or it may seem like only yesterday when it was your child’s first day at school and now he/she’s leaving home to start a third level course.
For some parents, a child starting school is super exciting, while it can be heart-breaking for other parents. Feeling anxious about the start of school term is to be expected because it is a big change. Whatever is happening in your household right now, stay focused and remain relaxed!
It is normal for your child (regardless of age) to have worries and concerns about school. Fears can vary from “which teacher?”; “where will I sit?”; “what if the bus doesn’t stop?”; “what if my friends aren’t my friends anymore?”; “maybe I won’t fit in”; “what if I don’t know what to say”……the list goes on.
Helpful tips
Ensure you have some one-to-one time with each of your children every day and at least every week go for a walk or play some music together or take a spin in the car or chat while doing a chore together etc.
Chat with your child(ren). Your message is always “I’m here to listen” and “I am your ally” so your child(ren) can approach you with worries and will be assured that together you will devise a plan of action to tackle their fears head-on.
Listen to the small things so your child knows you will be there for the big things as they age and worries change.
Encourage your child to share their feelings with you or their other parent / responsible adult. Explain that changes associated with returning/starting school can be difficult, that worries are okay and that it is beneficial to talk about them.
When your child is anxious, it may be easy to become stressed. The more grounded you are the better. It is comforting for your child to see that you are relaxed about a situation particularly when your child is anxious about it. Your child is looking to you for comfort and reassurance, if you react it may send the wrong message to your child and they may panic even more.
When your child comes to you and says they are worried about something, please be careful not to dismiss their worries or undermine their fears. Do not say “don’t worry” or “everyone feels like that”. Instead, chat about what course of action your child can take to help alleviate the worry. Encourage your child to work through the anxiety and to problem-solve. Try to empathise by saying “I see that you’re worried about this”.
Don’t dismiss fears as silly or say “that’s nothing“. When your child comes to you stop whatever you’re doing and listen carefully – show that you are interested in finding a solution. Listening to your child means that you allow them time to speak and time to think about what they want to tell you – don’t jump in too fast or finish sentences! Take time, listen and reflect back what you hear so your child knows you are paying close attention and that what they tell you is important to you.
Don’t break your child’s confidence by discussing their worries behind their back and making fun of them – they won’t confide in you again if they discover that you’re not trustworthy!
Encourage your child to be solutions-focused “what helps you feel relaxed?” or “what can you do that might help you feel better?”
Encourage your child to think about the nice things that happened during the day to gear their attention away from anxious thoughts particularly at night time. A nice way to finish the day is to ask your child, when saying good night, “what’s the best thing that happened today?” or “what was your favourite part of today?”
Praise. Praise. Praise. Every time your child handles a tricky situation and manages their anxiety give plenty praise. Be encouraging. As a parent you can’t always fix everything or be around to offer constant reassurance, but you can give your child the confidence to believe in their own abilities to overcome worries and concerns.
Think about how you behave when you are tired and hungry – we as adults are easily irritated. Your child may be irritable because of hunger or tiredness. It is important to have a good back-to-school routine for sleep and for meals. Watch portion sizes. Don’t reward your child(ren) with food items, instead reward with a trip to the playground or a comic or art materials. Stick to your screen time schedule (i.e. set limits to the amount of time, no screens in the bedroom or at the meal table). So very many children head to bed but not to sleep and school work and concentration suffer as a result of being on line into the small hours.
To recap, chat with your child, stay grounded, be and encourage your child to be solutions-focused, encourage and praise and stick to the back-to-school routine for sleep, food and screen-time!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Anxiety is as natural as breathing! Although we often view it as negative, anxiety is not all bad – it helps keep us motivated and focused, it changes our behaviour in a productive way i.e. look how anxiety gets us going when we are nearing an assignment or work deadline!
However, if you are wasting time thinking about worst case scenarios or catastrophising – here are 20 top-tips to help alleviate those anxious feelings:
www.carolinecrotty.ie
This is the time of year when people mention having an “empty nest”, often because a child has recently left home to attend college or pursue a career. We hear of “empty nest syndrome” and although a topic of psychological research, it is not a medical condition per se. However, the menopause often ties-in with the same timeframe as children leaving home which, as we know, brings with it both physical and emotional side-effects and a time of self-reflection.
When examining the idea of an “empty nest”, there are several factors involved. Worrying about our children when they are away from home can cause us stress and anxiety. The role of work outside the home is a factor that may be connected to the intensity of the “empty nest” feeling. If we are distracted by work outside the home it can help keep us occupied. Increased life-expectancy coupled with children leaving home younger means the period of life spent on our own as aging adults has increased. While caring for our elderly parents and also providing care for our children we might feel like all we do is run and race with little ‘me time’ and then, with this newfound time on our hands, it may seem strange and alien.
When one-by-one children start leaving home, parents react differently. I often hear the words “useless”, “deflated”, “on the scrapheap” “no sense of purpose” mentioned. Parents go through many struggles at different stages throughout childrearing years, and the last child starting primary school can also be an emotional time for many.
Bear in mind parents who are waiting (or hoping) for adult children to ‘fly the nest’ but due to financial or housing demands (and a host of other reasons), do not leave home as expected or perhaps return home having been away. This can leave parents with the sense that “this wasn’t how my life was supposed to be”. There are various reasons why we may feel, at a certain stage, that our lives are not what we planned and the hopes and dreams we once had for our futures have not been realised.
Do not despair and certainly do not let go of your aspirations. You have a new life and the focus is now on you.
It can be easy to fall into the trap of dwelling on the negative and feel guilty about the things that you did not do with your children before they left home. Turn that thinking around and remind yourself that you have done your best as a parent and your children have left home to pursue their ambitions. This is the natural circle of life and a job well done.
What helps? Talking to someone you trust about how you feel is always beneficial because it helps you acknowledge your emotions and gives you focus on positive change.
Try to reframe what is going on and see the advantages of having the house to yourself e.g. it is a time of privacy in which you can rekindle your relationship with your partner and pursue your dreams and goals.
Although it is initially challenging, be as social as possible. Meeting people is a good way to stay occupied and feel happier. Exercise is physically and emotionally beneficial. Take up a class whether it’s water aerobics or a walking group, keep moving, ideally with others. Start a dinner or book club with the sole purpose that you are there to chat (this is not a competition to see who can cook the best dinner or have the most to say about a book!
When something happens in your body your brain tries to make sense of it. If your face is smiling, a big wide smile that gives you wrinkles around the corners of your eyes, your brain reads this as “I’m smiling therefore I must be happy” and you will feel happier. The reverse is true if you are frowning so don’t forget to smile!
We all need sufficient, good quality sleep to feel good about ourselves and to think clearly. To improve our sleep ensure you get daily sunlight, avoid caffeine and alcohol, keep bedrooms tidy and cool, avoid screens at night-time including phone, tv, p.c., increase exercise and time in nature. Set and stick to the same bedtime routine. See https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Music affects your brain in a range of ways – it can give us chills, cause a variety of emotions, make us want to dance, transport us back in time and help us relax. Play your favourite music and play it often. Now is your chance to fill your house with whatever music you fancy.
Set achievable goals and stick to them. You will feel happier because it gives you focus and achieving them gives you momentum to carry you forward.
Keep in regular contact with your child(ren). Try not to pester them and do not make your concerns their worries. Instead, suggest that Sundays are a good day to chat and remind them that sending the odd sms even if it is just a smiley face emoji will let you know they are okay.
Congratulate yourself on a job well done. The rest of your life is ahead of you – may it be filled with joy, love, peace, health and happiness.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
We tend not to take notice of the health benefits of hugging, so I encourage you to start today.
Give hugs as often as you can to a person, a pet, or even a tree! The benefits of hugging are remarkable.
Hugs do all the following:
Alleviate feelings of loneliness
Elevate mood
Reduce stress
Increase feelings of connection
Convey emotions without any words
Build self-esteem
Increase understanding
Reduce worries and anxiety
Build a sense of safety and security
Relax tense muscles
Reduce physical pain
Boost immune system
Benefit cardiovascular health
Say ‘you are loved’
Show that you care
Extend joy
Help form bonds with others
Increase empathy
Help build trust
By the way I didn’t simply make up this list! The health benefits of hugging are backed by empirical evidence. Research shows that snuggling up to someone or a pet releases the hormone oxytocin that strengthens our immune system, helps lower blood pressure, reduces the stress hormone cortisol, and improves heart rate. There are a great many benefits to hugging, and it has even been connected to helping children toilet-train quickly!
We know that warmth and responsiveness work well for fostering children’s social competence, and there is also evidence that hugs and chatting with children work better than shouting and/or punishment.
Sometimes children or other loved ones push us away or behave in a way that really frustrates us, and often leaves us as adults or parents frustrated and at the end of our patience. Well, that’s possibly when children could really do with a comforting hug.
It is not always easy to offer a hug when you feel annoyed, but it may be best to offer it anyway depending on the situation. You will benefit from the hug as much as the other person. It will help you both feel calmer, safer, and connected.
So when things seem to be going terribly wrong, offer a hug. It says ‘you are loved’ without using any words.
Think of the last time you were in trouble or were stressed about something. How lovely would it have been if someone offered you a hug? I’m sure it would have felt like a relief! You can be that person – and remember – we feel good when we help others. Go forth and hug!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
This post first appeared on mindloftmag.com
In my experience, happiness has more to do with what goes on in our minds than our circumstances (it’s not what happens, it’s how we react that’s important).
Because the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself, make it a happy one. Don’t think because someone has a huge house, is glamorous or prominent that they are happy! Happiness is different from success. Happiness comes from within and relates to what goes on in our brains rather than our bank accounts!
Happy people work at being happy. They make time to do things that help them feel good. Once you’ve decided you are going to make happiness a priority, sit down and set yourself achievable happiness goals:
Develop daily gratitude. We have much to be thankful for. If you want to be happy focus on what you have not on what you don’t have.
Movement is vital. Stretch before you get out of bed and stretch tense muscles. Walk around your home more often. Keep moving.
Comparisons never work. Stop comparing yourself to people you know or people on line.
Be solutions-focused. If you have a problem – ask yourself, “what can I do about this right now”? Also ask yourself what advice would you give someone else and then take your own advice.
Dance. In the kitchen or go out to dances. It’s easy exercise.
Take your time. Stop rushing. Admire the scenery. Daydream. Look at the clouds. Slowing everything down for a few minutes every day helps your overall sense of wellbeing.
Reduce the time you spend on technology. Be present for friends and family (never use your mobile in the presence of others).
Play to your strengths. Do things that make you feel happy. If you’re good at gardening, brilliant. Get out into the garden and plant veg or flowers or do some weeding. If you are not good at gardening, brilliant. Do something else that you are good at.
Allow the sun to bathe your skin. What sun you ask? Get outside every day and show your skin to the sun for 10 mins. Sunlight aids happiness (and sleep!)
Singing regulates our breathing and it is hard to take yourself too seriously while you are singing (and it doesn’t matter if you sound like a crow – just sing!)
Kindness is a universal language. When you are kind to others you feel happy but remember to be kind to you.
Feed your senses (sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch).
Breathe slowly in and out for a few minutes every day.
Act the eegit. Laugh. Play. Even when we have lots of responsibilities, make time for fun.
Hugs are healing. Hug someone or have a massage.
Do not cultivate negative thoughts, over-analyse, try to mind-read or predict the future.
Concentrate on the present– the only moment over which you have control!
&nb
Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others “I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
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