Christmas without a loved one

Christmas without a loved one

Our Our first time in hospital might be to deliver our firstborn. There’s one first tooth or first day at school; first summer job; first kiss; first love (sometimes followed by our first broken heart). The list of firsts is never-ending and sadly, there is a first Christmas without a loved one.

Expectations may be that Christmas is a joyous, celebratory time. Reality can be starkly different. This is the Cotter family’s first Christmas without Dr Denis. Newtown Surgery is missing “The Doc” and the community is missing “Cotter”.

I called him “The Secret Keeper” because I’m convinced Dr Denis heard confessions! He didn’t give absolution or penance (as far as I know) and he didn’t judge. He was the go-to person if someone had a burning question or a burning sensation!

With patients, Dr Denis listened and heard what was being said, and he observed what wasn’t being said. He offered reassurance and did his best to point people in the right direction. Appointments with specialist consultants, for his patients, somehow seemed to be fast-tracked.

He was super proud of having six daughters, whom he protectively referenced “my girls” and he was a doting grandad. His loving wife Lesley has the patience of a saint because patients went straight to their home when Dr Denis wasn’t in Newtown Surgery (which was rare).

Dr Denis was a father-figure; mentor; referee commentator; confidante; historian; sports analyst and fan; medic; author; manager and proud Bantry man. He wasn’t a saint – he was human and had his foibles such as finishing phone-calls with me before I’d stopped talking – he knew I could babble on, and he’d said all that he needed to! At his eulogy, we learned that he wasn’t a lover of small talk – that made me smile.

Two years ago, Dr Denis delivered his sister Paule’s eulogy and I felt as though I knew her such were his oratory skills. He is survived by four siblings and missed by so very many.

The testament of the life we have lived, is the love we leave behind.

If you are spending Christmas without a loved one honour the memory in whatever way you can.  Plan your Christmas and keep things simple. Celebrate the happiness you shared – appreciate the time you had together and your experiences.

Grief takes its own course which is not linear. Grief takes as long as it takes and differs for everyone. You’re entitled to feel however you feel. You might be happy one minute but crying the next – that’s okay. Reach out to others for company. Keep talking about your loved one – it’s healthy to reminisce and nice to hear others’ stories. Don’t put-on a brave face and pretend to be happy – be honest and share your feelings. Look after yourself even when you don’t feel like it.

Consider starting new Christmas traditions such as visiting the grave with a holly bough or setting off a Chinese lantern (though not in the graveyard!).

This Christmas, do whatever works best for you.

Wishing you joy, love, peace, health and happiness.

www.carolinecrotty.ie