Being a parent is never easy but when your child is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, the job becomes even more complex.
As a psychotherapist working with parents and adolescents, and lead author of a recent study published in the Irish Medical Journal, I’ve spent time listening closely to parents who are raising teenagers with this lifelong condition. What they told me was clear: they are exhausted, worried and often coping in silence.
When a child is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, the focus quite rightly turns to medical care: blood sugar monitoring, insulin management, carb counting and emergency plans. But behind all of that, there’s another story – that of the parent.
Many of the parents with whom I spoke described feeling overwhelmed, constantly on edge and even guilty. They often questioned whether they were doing enough or doing the right thing. As their children move into adolescence and begin taking on more responsibility, thir fear doesn’t disappear – it changes shape. Parents are still quietly carrying the burden, sometimes without even realising how much it’s affecting them.
It’s vital we acknowledge the emotional needs of parents, and not just children. When parents are supported – whether through psychotherapy, peer support, or simply being given space to talk – the whole family benefits.
In my work with parents of teens (with and without chronic illness), I’ve seen the difference it makes when parents have the opportunity to reflect, breathe and feel heard.
Therapy can help parents:
Manage anxiety and fear
Cope with their child’s growing independence
Navigate sibling dynamics
Improve emotional regulation during stressful times
Feel less alone
If you’re parenting a child with type 1 diabetes, please know that your feelings are valid, your work is seen and you deserve support.
I offer one-to-one counselling and psychotherapy for parents, including short-term focused sessions. Feel free to get in touch, even just for a chat about what support might look like.
Email me today
or
call/text 087 710 7032.
Because when we care for the carers, we care for the whole family.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stuck in a cycle of worried thoughts, you are not alone. Many people experience periods of stress, anxiety, or low mood — especially when life becomes demanding, uncertain or emotionally draining. As a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Cork City, I support both adults and adolescents in managing these challenges and improving emotional wellbeing.
Worry is a normal part of life, but when it becomes constant, intrusive or exhausting, it may be a sign that you need extra support. You might find yourself:
Overthinking everything
Struggling to sleep
Feeling irritable or tearful
Avoiding certain situations
Finding it hard to relax or enjoy things
Whether you’re dealing with stress at work, school pressures, family difficulties, or uncertainty about the future, therapy can help you make sense of what’s happening and regain a sense of control.
Therapy provides a confidential, non-judgmental space where you can explore your thoughts and emotions safely. I use an integrative approach, drawing from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and talk therapy to tailor each session to your individual needs.
Together, we work to:
Understand what’s contributing to your stress or anxiety
Develop practical tools to manage negative thinking patterns
Explore healthier ways to cope with challenges
Build emotional resilience and self-awareness
This work can be especially helpful for adolescents who may struggle to express what they’re going through, or who are impacted by social pressure, school demands, or low self-esteem.
I have many years of experience working with both teenagers and adults across a wide range of issues. Clients often come to me when they are feeling “not themselves”, struggling with motivation, or facing significant life changes. You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, reaching out early often prevents things from becoming more overwhelming.
I also support parents who are concerned about their teenager’s emotional wellbeing, offering guidance and reassurance around what is normal and when to seek help.
Choosing a therapist is a personal decision. Based in Cork city centre, my practice is easily accessible and offers a calm, welcoming space where you can feel heard and supported.
Whether you’re looking for short-term support to manage a specific difficulty, or longer-term work to understand patterns and make lasting change, I’d be happy to speak with you.
Anxiety and panic
Stress and burnout
Low self-esteem or confidence
Adolescent challenges (school, friendships, identity)
Work-related stress
Life transitions or feeling “stuck”
Worry and overthinking
As a psychology graduate, I bring a strong foundation in psychological theory to my work, alongside years of practical, real-world therapeutic experience. I integrate both counselling and psychotherapy approaches to support people in the way that suits them best.
Counselling can offer short-term, solution-focused support for managing specific issues like anxiety or stress, while psychotherapy allows for deeper, long-term exploration of patterns, past experiences and emotional growth. In practice, I often blend both approaches — offering tools for immediate relief while also supporting deeper understanding and long-lasting change.
Whether you’re looking to manage daily stress, explore underlying causes of worry, or simply understand yourself better, I work collaboratively with you to shape therapy around your needs and pace.
If you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or simply need someone to talk to, you are very welcome to contact Caroline Crotty
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress or anxiety and would like to talk, you’re very welcome to get in touch. I offer confidential counselling for adults and adolescents in Cork and online.
Email Caroline
Call or Text 087 710 7032
You’re not alone – support is available.
Informed. Uplifting. Practical. Psychology that people can use.
Looking for a speaker who can inspire and connect without clichés or corporate fluff? Caroline Crotty is a psychotherapist and public speaker based in Cork, offering talks that blend professional expertise with warmth, humour and realism. Whether speaking in a boardroom, at a staff wellbeing day or on stage at a festival, Caroline delivers practical mental health and wellbeing strategies that people actually use.
Caroline speaks on a range of topics related to mental health, emotional wellbeing and everyday resilience. All talks are rooted in psychological insight, delivered in clear, plain language and tailored for real-life relevance.
Popular topics include:
Custom talks can be created for your team or event based on your themes or priorities.
Caroline regularly speaks at:
Caroline brings something different:
To book Caroline for a talk, workshop or panel, please get in touch below. You can also request a call to discuss your needs.
Based in Cork. Available for bookings across Ireland and online.
Feeling guilty as a parent? You’re not alone. Whether it’s screen time, shouting, or just not feeling “present enough”, parenting guilt is one of the most common issues I hear from mums and dads in therapy.
We all want to do our best but parenting doesn’t come with a manual. The pressure to “get it right” can leave you anxious, overwhelmed, and doubting yourself.
Guilt often means you care deeply
Mistakes don’t make you a bad parent – they make you human
Therapy can help you understand and reframe these feelings
As a therapist supporting parents in Cork city, I help people break free from guilt, reconnect with their own needs, and enjoy parenting again.
If you’re searching for parenting support Cork, talk therapy Cork, or just need a place to talk things through, I’m here to help.
Email me to arrange a session:
Are you looking for a counsellor or psychotherapist in Cork city centre?
Whether you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, navigating a difficult period or need a space to talk things through, talk therapy can provide valuable support.
My name is Caroline Crotty and I am a psychology graduate and qualified psychotherapist offering confidential counselling and psychotherapy for adults and adolescents in the heart of Cork city. I also provide a supportive space for professionals and business owners seeking a sounding board for workplace stress, burnout or important life decisions.
The word therapy covers talking therapies such as psychotherapy and counselling. Whether you are coming to therapy with a particular issue, a general sense of unease or a deeper search for purpose and meaning, therapy offers a safe, confidential place to talk to a trained professional about your feelings and concerns. Therapy can help you to see things from a different perspective, break free from old unhelpful patterns, heal past traumas and increase self-confidence.
Talk therapy allows you to explore your thoughts, feelings and behaviours in a private, non-judgemental environment. It can help you to:
Sessions are tailored to your specific needs and can be short-term or longer-term.
My practice is located centrally, close to Patrick Street and the South Mall, making it easily accessible by foot or public transport.
I aim to respond to each person’s needs by offering flexible scheduling, including early morning appointments from 08:00 and evening sessions. I accommodate new appointments as soon as my diary allows, though not on the same day.
I work with:
Whether you’re a parent concerned for your teen, or a person seeking support for yourself, talk therapy can provide the ideal place to process, heal and to grow.
Managing a business or holding a leadership role can be emotionally demanding. I offer a confidential, focused space to reflect on challenges, strengthen resilience and support you to make informed decisions.
This service may be particularly helpful if you are:
Each session is 50 minutes and takes place in a calm, private setting. As a psychology graduate my approach is grounded in evidence-based practice, and I work collaboratively (with you) to find what best supports your goals.
I have a deep understanding of the challenges in life that we can sometimes face and have worked both in the voluntary and the private sector. Working together I can help you find an in-depth understanding of yourself, of who you are and help you to resolve internal conflicts.
You’re welcome to attend an initial session to see if we’re a good fit. My fee for all appointments – whether online or in person – is €80.00.
If you’re looking for a counsellor, psychotherapist or talk therapist in Cork city centre – feel free to contact me to check appointment availability or to arrange an initial consultation.
Email works best, as I can respond between appointments:
📧 hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Are you a parent in Cork city feeling anxious, stressed or simply not enjoying parenting the way you thought you might? Perhaps you’re searching for parenting support Cork, a therapist near me, or help with parenting stress in Cork city centre. If so, you’re in the right place.
Many parents feel overwhelmed at different stages of family life. The pressure to be the “perfect” parent, to juggle work, school runs, emotional demands, and your own mental health can feel like too much. If you’re feeling burnt out from parenting, asking for help is okay.
Parenting stress is the emotional strain many parents experience as they try to meet the ever-changing needs of their children. It can look like:
If any of these sound familiar, know that you’re not alone. Many people search Google for phrases like talk therapy Cork, support for overwhelmed parents or counsellor for mums Cork and for good reason.
As a qualified psychotherapist based in Cork city centre, I offer confidential counselling and psychotherapy for parents who are struggling. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, burnout, parenting guilt, or simply trying to figure out how to enjoy family life again, therapy can help.
Some parents reach out when they’re:
Parenting is hard but it shouldn’t feel impossible.
In our sessions, we create a calm, supportive space where you can speak freely and without judgement. As a psychology graduate with experience in both the voluntary and private sectors, I bring an understanding of the complexity of family life.
Therapy can help you:
You don’t need to wait until you’re at breaking point – contact me to check appointment availability – email is the ideal way to reach me to arrange an initial appointment or to ask any questions:
You deserve to feel calm, connected and capable.
Let’s work together to help you get there.
I was recently discussing ‘burnout,’ and the person I was speaking with mentioned that the term seems to be used far too loosely these days. He observed that people say they’re experiencing burnout when busy at work or feeling worn out after Christmas parties. This casual use of the term caught my attention because, in my practice, I use ‘burnout’ in a clinical sense. When people come to me with burnout, they’re often signed off work by their GP and face a long and challenging road to recovery. While it’s valuable that awareness of stress is increasing, it’s crucial to recognise that true clinical burnout is far more serious than general exhaustion.
Burnout is a medical and clinical condition with serious implications for mental and physical health. Clinical burnout, as defined by the World Health Organisation (WHO), is a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three core features: persistent feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion, a sense of detachment or cynicism towards one’s job and a reduced ability to perform effectively. Unlike general fatigue, clinical burnout develops over time and does not simply disappear after a good night’s sleep or a short break. It requires careful attention and often structured intervention to address.
Although the term ‘burnout’ is now used rather casually to describe being overworked or tired, these experiences don’t align with the clinical definition. While the casual use of the term reflects a growing awareness of stress, it can dilute the seriousness of burnout. This overuse may make it harder for people experiencing clinical burnout to be recognised and supported. Importantly, burnout in its clinical sense is not a sign of personal weakness or failure but rather the result of systemic issues such as chronic stress, excessive workloads, lack of support and environments that fail to prioritise employee well-being.
Clinical burnout develops when workplace stress becomes unmanageable and unrelenting. It often arises in environments with excessive demands, little autonomy, inadequate support, or a mismatch between personal values and organisational culture. These factors combine over time, eroding resilience and making recovery increasingly difficult. Unlike occasional stress, which can sometimes be motivating, burnout represents a prolonged and harmful state that affects both mental and physical health.
The symptoms of burnout are far-reaching and can impact every aspect of everyday life. Emotionally, people may feel drained, irritable or even hopeless. Cognitively, people may struggle to focus or with decision-making or memory, which can add to feelings of frustration. Physically, symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches and sleep disturbances often emerge. Behaviourally, people may withdraw from social connections, procrastinate, or avoid responsibilities altogether. Burnout can profoundly affect relationships and self-esteem, leading to feelings of failure and disconnection from others.
Addressing burnout requires a multifaceted approach that includes both individual and systemic changes. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the underlying issues contributing to burnout, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild resilience. Rest and recovery are essential because burnout cannot be resolved by simply pushing through it – people need time, space, and patience to heal. Systemic workplace adjustments are often necessary, including reducing excessive demands, establishing clear boundaries, and fostering supportive environments. Self-care practices such as mindfulness, regular exercise and reconnecting with activities that bring joy can also play a crucial role in recovery.
Burnout is not a reflection of personal failure. It’s a complex response to prolonged, unrelenting stress, often shaped by factors outside of individual control. Understanding burnout means recognising its key symptoms: emotional exhaustion, detachment, and a reduced sense of accomplishment. These aren’t signs of weakness but signals from your body and mind that your current demands exceed your resources.
Addressing burnout starts with self-awareness and support. Prioritising emotional and mental health isn’t just self-care—it’s a fundamental necessity for thriving. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking workplace accommodations, or rethinking unsustainable systems in your life. However, proper recovery also requires systemic change. Organisations and communities must create environments where wellbeing is central, not optional.
If you or someone you know is experiencing burnout, reaching out to a mental health professional can provide guidance, validation and strategies for recovery. You don’t have to face it alone – healing and recovery are possible, and your well-being is worth the effort.
For further information, here’s a handy guide to an NHS booklet about Burnout
www.carolinecrotty.ie
In today’s demanding work environments, employee mental health has never been more critical. Stress, anxiety, burnout, and sleep challenges aren’t just personal struggles – they directly impact workplace productivity, morale and retention. For forward-thinking companies, investing in corporate wellness programs is a key step toward building a resilient and thriving team. One of the most effective tools for promoting mental health at work is the “Lunch & Learn” session – an interactive, accessible way to support your employees’ well-being.
Research shows that mental health challenges cost employers billions annually in lost productivity, absenteeism, and turnover. Employees who feel supported in their mental health are more engaged, productive and committed to their roles. Yet many organisations struggle to address these challenges in meaningful, practical ways. This is where mental health talks tailored for the workplace come in. By equipping employees with tools to reduce stress, improve sleep, and manage anxiety, businesses can foster a culture that prioritises wellbeing and the results are transformative.
Lunch & Learn talks are short, focused training sessions that fit seamlessly into the workday, often taking place during employees’ lunch breaks. These talks provide actionable strategies to improve mental health and wellbeing without interrupting the flow of business or the workday. Whether hosted in-person or virtually via Zoom, these sessions create a safe, welcoming place where employees can learn, reflect and gain practical tools to enhance their emotional resilience and overall productivity.
I specialise in delivering dynamic, research-based talks designed to address the unique challenges of employees. Topics include managing stress and preventing burnout, reducing anxiety at work, improving sleep, prioritising yourself without guilt, and building resilience in the workplace. Each talk is carefully tailored to the needs of your organisation, providing employees with mental health tools they can immediately implement.
For busy workplaces, Lunch & Learn sessions offer a flexible, efficient way to promote employee wellbeing. Sessions are designed to fit into employees’ lunch breaks, ensuring minimal disruption to the workday while providing actionable strategies people can apply immediately. Attendees leave with practical insights and tools that improve mental health and productivity. These sessions also help create a workplace culture that prioritises emotional and mental health, showing employees that their wellbeing is valued.
Offering mental health talks in the workplace is more than just a perk, it’s a strategic move that drives measurable benefits. Supporting mental health leads to increased productivity, reduced absenteeism, improved employee retention, and better collaboration. Employees who feel emotionally supported work well and communicate more effectively, while those with tools to manage stress are more focused, efficient and satisfied in their roles. A workplace that prioritises mental health also experiences lower turnover and creates an environment where employees feel valued and engaged.
With years of experience delivering impactful mental health workshops, I understand the unique challenges faced by today’s workplaces. My approach is practical, evidence-based, and tailored to meet the specific needs of your team. Every session is engaging and conversational, with attendees leaving inspired to implement the strategies they’ve learned. Whether delivered in person or virtually, these sessions are designed to be accessible, flexible, and impactful.
Investing in your employees’ mental and emotional health is an investment in the future success of your organisation. Whether you’re looking for a one-time Lunch & Learn session or a series of talks, I can create a program tailored to your team’s needs. Contact me today to discuss how mental health talks for the workplace can help your team thrive. Together, we can build a healthier, happier, and more productive workplace.
for further information pleaes complete the contact form on this page or email hello@carolinecrotty.ie https://carolinecrotty.ie/corporate-training/
At Caroline Crotty Counselling and Psychotherapy Cork, we provide compassionate support to adults and adolescents. Our services are distinguished by a unique combination of online and in-person therapy sessions, offering unparalleled flexibility to suit your needs.
Online therapy enables access to counselling and psychotherapy from the comfort of your home, a vital resource for people with mobility challenges, living in remote areas, or with demanding schedules. Online appointments ensure that geographical location is not a barrier to receiving high-quality care.
Conversely, our in-person sessions offer the irreplaceable value of face-to-face interaction within a safe and confidential space. It’s a sanctuary where you can disconnect from the outside world.
Understanding that everyone’s needs differ, we pride ourselves on customising our approach to emotional health. Whether you opt for weekly online check-ins with monthly face-to-face appointments or prefer a different arrangement, we accommodate your lifestyle and preferences to ensure effective and consistent care.
Our hybrid approach guarantees continuity of care. Whether your life involves travel or relocation, your therapeutic progress remains uninterrupted. Rest assured that the standard of support and care you expect from us will follow you, no matter where life takes you.
In conclusion, Caroline Crotty’s integrated therapy services are transformative for those seeking emotional support. If you’re ready to embark on a more fulfilling life, we invite you to reach out. Discover how this innovative approach can be tailored just for you.
Therapy is a space where all topics are welcome – nothing is taboo – and where the act of starting the therapeutic process itself can be a transformative experience.
Embarking on therapy, whether it is virtual or face-to-face, marks a courageous step toward personal growth, healing, and enhanced wellbeing. To schedule an initial session or if you have any questions, please get in touch with us at hello@carolinecrotty.ie
For more information, visit our website at www.carolinecrotty.ie
Anxiety can cause feelings of worry, fear, and unease and interfere with daily life. If you’re struggling with symptoms of anxiety, you’re not alone. It’s part of being human but the challenges can be more profound for some rather than others.
There are some steps you can take to manage your stress and improve your overall mental health.
Caroline Crotty works as a counsellor and psychotherapist, and daily, someone says they are feeling poorly because of ‘anxiety’.
Here are some coping strategies and techniques that work:
Practice deep breathing: When feeling anxious our breathing can become shallow and rapid. Practising deep breathing can help us slow down our breathing and calm our minds. Try inhaling deeply, holding your breath for a couple of seconds, and exhale slowly and for longer than you inhaled. This will slow down your heart rate.
Get moving: For you to improve symptoms and feelings of anxiety, stress or panic get your heart rate up through cardio – you don’t even have to join a gym – dance in the kitchen or sitting room. Go up and down your stairs. Shake it off as advised by Taylor Swift – get your body moving. It will help you to utilise the stress hormones in your system and you’ll never regret an outdoor walk or a work out!
Challenge negative thoughts: Feeling anxious can often fuelled by negative thoughts and beliefs. Challenge these thoughts by asking whether the thoughts and doubts are realistic or if there’s evidence to support them. Try to reframe negative thoughts into more positive ones. Recount your successes.
Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself is important for managing the symptoms of anxiety. This can include things like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, hydrating with water and doing things that bring you joy with people who are easy to be with.
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and learn to accept them without getting caught up in them.
Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend, family member, psychotherapist or counsellor can be helpful for managing anxiety. They can offer support, guidance, and perspective.
Remember that managing the symptoms of stress, panic or anxiety takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.
If you’re struggling and need support, please reach out to a qualified therapist or mental health professional. You don’t have to go through this alone.
If you have any questions about counselling and psychotherapy or want to schedule an appointment, please contact Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy at hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Congratulations if you’re recently engaged and planning your wedding day! This is a joyful and exciting time for many couples, filled with choices and creativity – from photo booths to personalised touches. But for others, wedding planning can become quite overwhelming and stressful. This article shares calm, compassionate suggestions to help reduce anxiety and support decision-making during the lead-up to your big day.
People often attend ‘talking therapies’ such as counselling or psychotherapy to gain perspective and manage wedding-related anxieties. I don’t tell anyone, “Yes, you should marry him” or “No – run a mile!” That’s not my role. But in my experience, talking and being heard helps people work through whatever’s weighing on their minds, so they can make clear decisions and positive changes.
You don’t necessarily need to speak with a professional therapist, though you’re very welcome to! I’d suggest that you might start by sharing any worries with a trusted friend or family member (who will keep things in confience). Most importantly, chat openly with your partner. Strong, long-term relationships are built on open and honest communication.
If you’re feeling uncertain about your relationship or your future, it’s vital to pause and examine those feelings. The sooner you address concerns, the more likely you are to make informed decisions aligned with your values and shared life goals.
Your wedding day is exactly that: yours. It’s not about pleasing everyone else, it’s actually about celebrating your relationship. Someone will likely be disappointed or have an opinion – you can’t control that. But if you plan your day with the mindset that it’s not a popularity contest, you’ll free yourself to make decisions based solely on what matters to you and your partner.
Whether it’s guests, seating, flowers, the band, or the food – someone will likely complain. And that’s okay. You cannot and will not please everyone. Focus on what works best for the two of you.
Finance plays a major role in planning a wedding and a honeymoon. As a couple, decide on your budget together:
These are joint decisions – compromise is key.
Write a list of tasks to be done, then divide them based on interest and strengths. One of you might love planning the music while the other prefers sorting logistics. Sharing the workload not only reduces stress but reflects the equal partnership you’re celebrating.
There are countless websites, books and magazines offering advice but none of them know you. If you don’t want a cake, don’t have one. If you’d prefer an adults-only wedding, say so. Be firm and clear about your wishes. Honest communication and clear boundaries will help others respect your decisions.
Weddings are unpredictable but not everything needs to cause stress.
Focus your energy where it matters most.
This day has legal, emotional and symbolic significance. Allow yourself to pause during the ceremony. Take a mental picture. Look at the faces around you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Don’t spend your time worrying about whether your guests are having fun – that’s their job. Your responsibility is to enjoy the day you’ve spent so long planning. Many couples say the day flies by in a blur. Take time out with your new spouse to breathe, talk and take it all in.
You deserve to feel joy, calm and presence on your wedding day – your way.
Caroline Crotty – Counselling and Psychotherapy in Cork city
www.carolinecrotty.ie
hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Based in the heart of Cork city, I offer both online psychotherapy and in-person (or face-to-face) appointments. Combining both approaches provides benefits for people seeking mental health support.
Here are some benefits of combining online psychotherapy and in-person appointments:
Increased flexibility: Online psychotherapy or counselling appointments can be attended from the comfort of home or wherever there is internet access. This is particularly helpful when people have busy schedules, mobility issues, or live in remote areas. On the other hand, in-person sessions offer the benefit of face-to-face interaction, sitting in the same room as the therapist and for some that can feel more personal.
Improved accessibility: Online psychotherapy sessions can be accessed from anywhere worldwide, which is especially helpful for people living in areas without mental health services. In-person appointments, on the other hand, can offer the opportunity to build a close rapport with the therapist and can be especially helpful for people who favour face-to-face communication.
Enhanced privacy: Online therapy sessions can provide an added layer of privacy and confidentiality for anyone who may feel uncomfortable with face-to-face interactions or feel self-conscious attending a clinic for counselling or psychotherapy. In-person sessions provide a private and confidential environment, free from the distractions of the home environment where a housemate or family member may overhear.
Customised treatment plans: Combining online and in-person counselling can allow for a customised treatment plan, tailored to suit individual needs e.g. weekly online sessions with a monthly in-person session, or vice versa.
Increased continuity of care: By combining online and in-person appointments, people have a consistent level of care, even when travelling for work or following a move to a new location. Having online appointments available wherever you are, provides peace of mind and reduces the stress of seeking new mental health services or trying to locate a new therapist.
In summary, combining online and in-person counselling and psychotherapy can be beneficial. The flexibility that online sessions provide suits some whilst the personal contact provided by face to face appointments suits others.
If you’re interested in learning more about Caroline Crotty’s online or in-person therapy services in Cork city, please don’t hesitate to make contact.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Alcohol consumption is entrenched in Irish culture. We drink to celebrate and to grieve. It’s not just one or two drinks on occasion – we are binge drinkers. Children follow in the footsteps of their elders because parents are their children’s role models. When parents are tolerant of drunkenness, it’s normalised for children. When parents provide alcohol to their adolescents, those youngsters are at increased risk of alcohol-related harm and alcohol dependency later in life.
Alcohol is intertwined with Irish life. Although we know cigarettes are unhealthy, alcohol is not advertised as detrimental to our well-being – possibly because alcohol forms part of our societal and cultural norms. Alcohol is a psychoactive substance with dependence-producing properties, but it’s socially acceptable and legal. The drinks industry is central to the Irish economy – but at what human cost? I find it ironic that Diageo runs Irish alcohol awareness campaigns.
Alcohol causes harm, from Accident and Emergency hospital visits to alcohol-related deaths. Alcohol leads us to say and do things we would never say or do sober. It causes us to engage in risky sexual behaviours, to put ourselves in danger and make dodgy decisions. Alcohol dulls our memory and is linked with heart and liver disease, osteoporosis, high blood pressure, poor sleep, anxiety, and depression. Alcohol is linked with several cancers, including mouth, breast, bowel and throat.
Reducing the amount of alcohol we drink could reduce the risk of alcohol-related cancers. It doesn’t matter what we drink, alcohol causes the damage.
Consider giving your body a break. We do not need alcohol to function or to relax. We do not need alcohol to be sociable, to make us more interesting or to help us sleep. If you do, it’s time to rethink your habits. Cutting down means avoiding hangovers, saving money, getting a great night’s sleep, lowering the risk of stroke or heart disease, and improving overall mental and physical health.
Rethink your relationship with the demon drink.
If you need support to change, help is available – reach out.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Post-Pandemic Online Therapy
Chatting with people, I know there is a sense that the pandemic is history, but for others, Covid-19 feels like it is still lurking, like a snake in the grass!
However, one of the distinct benefits of having had a strange couple of years is online therapy and teletherapy. Since March 2020, I have adapted my practice to deliver a blended service, and now psychotherapy, counselling, EMDR, and CBT are successfully provided online (and in-person).
Historically, I thought in-person or face to face appointments were the only way I would deliver therapy. I was wrong! Online therapy and teletherapy allow me to work with people globally. I have clients on other continents, which, before Covid-19, I would not have considered possible. I undertook training in 2020 to ensure best practice and have never looked back. Online therapy has its advantages and from research, we know it is effective.
Online therapy ensures that distance is no barrier to staying with the same therapist following emigration. When people move from Cork or Ireland, we continue appointments online.
As with in-person counselling or psychotherapy appointments, for online appointments, privacy is paramount, as is having a space where you will not be overheard. Try to make your area similar to a therapy room for 50-60mins which means that you can feel relaxed, you won’t be interrupted and keep tissues close by (just in case). Ensuring housemates or family members respect that you require time without disruption. Having a good Wi-Fi connection ensures minimal interference.
Online or virtual tele-health appointments are environmentally friendly – there is no carbon footprint, no travel to/from appointments, and no time spent frantically looking for parking or sitting in traffic.
I’m now a fan of something I thought I would never engage in. Our lives have changed with the pandemic but it is not all bad. Technology allowed us to stay connected and adapt to new ways of providing therapy (new to me that is!).
If you have any questions about online or virtual counselling and psychotherapy please contact Caroline Crotty.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
A friend of mine recently said she felt like her head was so full, it felt empty. That can be a warning sign of burnout i.e. feeling overwhelmed with an inability to take in any new information. Burnout is real. It is not simply feeling tired or having a bad day and it is not enough just to take a few days of annual leave to recover and recharge the batteries.
Burnout doesn’t happen overnight – there can be a slow build-up with several warning signs.
Things to watch out for are feeling exhausted and drained (mentally and physically); having a more or less constant feeling of dread; not falling asleep easily or having interrupted sleep; forgetfulness; nausea; fuzzy head; not being able to focus or concentrate; everything that you would associate with stress you can associate with burnout like headaches, heart palpitations, quickened breath, feeling dizzy or disjointed or maybe even fainting; regularly fighting infections (illnesses) because your system is depleted, being on edge and snappy, feeling guilty when there is no need, feeling trapped and begrudging your employers because you feel overextended or taken for granted.
Burnout is a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion. It is caused by prolonged, chronic and excessive stress.
Burnout can result in a loss of energy, motivation or enthusiasm, feeling overwhelmed, useless, cynical, detached or resentful, emotionally or physically drained and unable to undertake usual tasks or having zero sense of accomplishment from the usual things that you do.
It is hard to feel good about yourself if you’re heading towards burnout or if you are in it and thus our emotional health suffers. When someone says to you that you need to take it easy or you’ll burn out – please pay attention!
Common Work Stressors include being micromanaged with little control or little supervision with no supports; changes including new staff or systems; working crazy hours without downtime; difficult colleagues or customers; impossible deadlines; working outdoors in bad weather or heavy lifting can all take their toll on our stress levels.
Now that you know that burnout is, take steps to avoid it.
Firstly, pay attention to your body and to what it is trying to tell you e.g. taug muscles, cloudy head, headaches etc. Try not to leave it until it is too late to take preventative action! Start by setting boundaries for your wellbeing.
Make time for friends, family and for yourself. Do things you enjoy with people who are easy to be with such as going to the cinema, volunteering, meeting for coffee, get a manicure or buy a magazine.
Try to minimise screen time by not using your phone, tablet, laptop as much as possible and try not to have a screen in your bedroom because it interferes with your sleep. Having screen free days helps to rest your brain and allows you time to think (rather than being distracted by online events).
Watch what you eat – by paying attention to what you ingest it will impact on your mood. Do not rely on drugs or alcohol to make you feel better – the relief is only temporary and is akin to avoidance rather than solving your problems. Exercise is vital. Even if you are in an office all day remember to stand and stretch or walk to the kitchen or bathroom to keep your blood flowing and your body moving. Take regular breaks at work or at home – go and get a glass of water so you can leave your desk.
Remind yourself just how far you have come and remember your achievements. Consider your options – remember that you always have choices. Learn how to control your breath Spend time in nature every day. Being outside in daylight also helps regulate our sleep. Take up a hobby or do something you enjoy like gardening, baking, hoovering etc.
Tell a trusted friend or a healthcare professional how you are feeling and that you are struggling and/or feeling under pressure. Having someone to listen in a confidential setting will give perspective and help you to devise the plan to tackle and resolve issues. Good quality, sufficient sleep helps us to think more clearly and is beneficial for our physical health and emotional wellbeing.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Health anxiety is when your mind wanders from one health crisis to the next. Constantly checking or scanning your body for something wrong can be quite stressful. Searching on line for symptoms makes you feel worse and the more anxious you are the more anxious you become. Some signs and symptoms of health anxiety include:
You think you are going to die or have a disease the doctor missed.
You had your bloods checked but believe you have an undiagnosed illness.
You go to the doctor hoping to be given an explanation for your symptoms. Your GP can’t find anything wrong and suggests that what you are experiencing may be as a result of stress. You leave the surgery feeling happy that the GP knows best but after a day or two niggling doubts return and the cycle of uncertainty begins again and you are convinced you are very unwell.
You have a dull headache which you try to ignore. You tell your doctor who reassures you that you are well. You begin to think the headache is a brain tumour. You check on line and find evidence that you have the symptoms of a tumour and think your GP must have missed something. You return to your GP who says your headache is because you have been working/training hard and are dehydrated. You are reassured and leave the GP’s surgery feeling happy. Later that night you question why your GP didn’t refer you for a scan – you cannot be certain you don’t have a brain tumour without a scan and decide you need a second opinion.
I can help you to identify whether you have health anxiety. If you do, together we can devise a plan to help you relax and regain control over your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I can help you to learn how to reassure yourself that you are well, safe and healthy so that you no longer experience fear of death/illness. Through therapy you gain perspective and learn how to successfully overcome unwanted thoughts and you also gain insight – why do you think the way you think.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Anxiety affects a vast number of people at different times throughout their lives. The symptoms of anxiety are varied and differ from person to person. Anxiety cannot be eliminated completely but it can be controlled. The day we stop experiencing anxiety is the day we are no longer alive! Sometimes people may experience some or all of the following symptoms:
· Tiredness
· Difficulty concentrating
· Restless and feeling wound-up
· Muscle tension
· Dizzy spells
· Tummy problems including nausea or pain
· Loss of appetite or eating too much
· Pins and needles in hands or arms or mouth or face
· Tightness or discomfort in chest
· Choking sensation
· Sweating at night time
· Heart racing
· Sleep problems
Fears become heightened when we are anxious and we may not want to stay on our own in the house at night time or we might sleep with the lights on or install extra security cameras even though we know the risk of a break-in is very low.
Anxiety sometimes causes us to avoid certain situations like not going to a concert because of the crowds but we are still anxious when at home.
The good news is that anxiety is manageable through education, learning how to relax and manage our fears, thoughts and actions. Therapy is a great way to learn why we think the way we think. We may be too anxious to travel across a bridge but in fact the real fear is the water under the bridge.
In therapy I can provide you with an opportunity to talk about your fears and thoughts. I listen to you and help you to understand what you are experiencing and why. I can help you think more clearly, get a better night’s sleep, stop your mind from racing, gain control over your feelings/thoughts/behaviour so that you can do the things you want to do and be less afraid.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Everyone gets worried from time to time but if your thinking keeps spiralling out of control and into chronic worrying it may be time to seek help. Worry and stress can have different symptoms that affect both our bodies and our minds.
Do you find that you:
Jump to negative conclusions.
Spend time worrying or feel distracted at work or at home.
Try to predict the future but the outcome is never good. For example someone at work mentions that the boss wants to see you and you immediately think “I’m in big trouble” or “I’m going to be fired”.
Think the worst? For example a family member is late home and you think he/she might be involved in a car crash.
Have a mind like a washing machine on spin-cycle with oodles of different thoughts, worries and ideas and you just can’t get them to stop.
Have a feeling of dread or unease and you don’t know why.
Have difficulty falling asleep at night or, once asleep, you wake in the middle of the night and spend hours trying to get back to sleep.
Feel tension in your shoulders, or get headaches or regularly get an upset tummy.
Cry or become annoyed very easily.
Have a ‘tight’ feeling in your chest.
Just not feel like yourself.
Therapy helps you to recognise your unique individual signs and symptoms of worry and stress and it teaches you how to regain control and stop yourself from worrying about things over which you have no control.
I can help you to understand what is happening for you physically and emotionally and help you to learn how to cope and to relax. By learning how to regain control your mind and thoughts, you learn how to manage the worry and stress and ultimately control what is going on in your mind – so that if you have a negative thought you can quickly stop it and change it to a more logical and rational thought. After therapy you will sleep better, feel more positive and confident because you will be in control.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
A panic attack can happen at any time, anywhere. Sometimes even thinking about having a panic attack, for some people, can cause feelings of panic. If you are afraid that a panic attack might happen while you are out shopping or waiting in a queue at the checkout, that fear can lead to a panic attack and so becomes a cycle of panic – panic about panic.
Panic attacks come and go within about twenty minutes or so and usually do not last more than an hour.
It may be that you might feel or think you are having a heart-attack or a stroke because the symptoms of a panic attack can be so severe. Many people attend A&E departments positive they are dying only to be sent home again with a clean bill of health.
When you are sure that your symptoms are not for a reason other than panic/anxiety/fear then education is central. When you fully understand what is happening to your body and mind you can learn to control your panic and anxiety.
Learning about controlled or calm breathing can help relieve symptoms of panic and also help you remain calm whenever you feel anxious. Relaxation techniques alleviate stress, anxiety and panic while helping you learn about your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
I can explain what is going on in your mind and your body and tell you what has worked to help other people gain control over their panic and anxieties. I can give you relaxation exercises and help you to manage your anxiety so that it no longer controls you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Years ago, when I woke in the middle of the night, sleep would simply elude me and I would start to anticipate how exhausted I was going to be the following day! I’d even calculate the remaining hours I had in bed. That’s not very relaxing!
Now, instead of getting anxious about being awake in the middle of the night, I reassure myself that I will not stay awake forever, that eventually I will sleep and my body and mind know exactly what they are doing!
Over the years I have learned a few techniques which help with falling asleep and returning to sleep once woken. What works for me nowadays is busying my brain with maths problems whilst paying attention to my breathing. My mind gets tired, and I sleep. Sounds too simple? It works for me but it took a while before I reached the sweet spot where my brain associated sleep with adding numbers together!
If you are not keen on counting or adding numbers like 2, 4, 8, 16, 32,64, 128, 256 etc perhaps try listing every car or colour or boy’s name that you know starting with the letter A and work your way through the alphabet. For example, Audi, Bentley, Cadillac / Apple, Banana, Cherry / Adam, Brian, Charlie, etc. Make a mistake and start from the beginning – the idea is that your mind is engaged because you’ve given it a task to do instead of worrying and your brain slows down and you fall sleep. It won’t happen the first night but be persistent and eventually it should work because your mind will associate listing with sleeping. That’s the goal here – that you create an association with sleep and your bed.
One of the first things to put into practice when trying to improve sleep is set and stick to a bedtime routine. Go to bed and get up at a set time and stick to those times – even on weekends or days off only allow yourself a one hour lie-in. This might not be possible if you’re working shifts or have small children or health problems. Try to keep to a routine and do the same things every night so you are sending signals to your body and mind that you are preparing for going to bed to sleep.
Have a wind-down time, put on your pyjamas, brush your teeth, read a book but avoid your mobile, computer and all forms of hand-held screens before sleep time (I’ll explain why hereunder). Having a shower before bedtime can also help with sleep as our core body temperature drops when we sleep and also after having a shower so it can be a good sleep aid.
Avoid caffeine – Not only is it found in coffee and tea, but also in cola, chocolate and energy drinks. I love my morning coffee and if you do too, simply have a coffee but avoid caffeine from lunchtime onwards. Even if you are able to fall asleep easily at night, caffeine affects the quality of your sleep. In fact, going without caffeine for just one day can improve your sleep quality.
Alcohol – It may seem like we get a great night’s sleep if we have been drinking alcohol but in reality the quality of our sleep is impaired. We fall straight into a deeper sleep if we have had alcohol but we miss out on a sleep phase. Never drink alcohol to unwind, relax or to help you sleep because alcohol disrupts dreams, diminishes sleep quality and is linked to anxiety and depression.
Bedroom – Is your bedroom conducive to a good night’s sleep? Is it a nice, relaxed area? Try to keep bedroom temperatures cool – neither too warm nor too cold. I promote de-cluttering because a tidy bedroom feels good to spend time in.
Lighting – At night, bedrooms should be free from technology and bright lights. This is important for sleep because light affects the production of melatonin, a hormone that helps you get a great night’s sleep. In fact, melatonin will not be produced (by the pineal gland) unless there is only dim or no light. If you watch television in bed, your brain will associate bed with the stimulus of tv and with being awake and not with sleep therefore watching television in bed is a habit worth breaking.
Be Kind to You – Your bed is for adult fun and for sleeping, it is not a place for worry or stress. If you are unable to fall asleep do not panic and stop worrying about not sleeping – there is no need to increase anxiety levels. Talk to yourself calmly, reassure yourself that your body will take care of sleep when it needs to. You will not stay awake for ever. Do not start counting the hours until you have to get up (e.g. “If I sleep now I’ll only get four hours sleep and I’ll be wrecked tomorrow!). Soothe yourself with the idea (which is true by the way) that you will sleep when your body needs it and you will catch up on missed sleep tomorrow night.
Learn relaxation skills- Calm breathing is a useful sleeping aid. Journaling can also be a great way to relax especially keeping a daily gratitude journal wherein you write three positive things for which you are grateful – these do not have to be earth-shattering and can be as simple as ‘I took time to enjoy the drive home from work today’ or ‘I had a lovely dinner this evening’. Learn to be grateful for the little things in your day.
Naps – The jury is out on naps! Some experts say avoid naps at all costs and others say absolutely yes, naps are awesome. If you have small children and they keep you awake at night then you need to sleep when you get the opportunity because your night time sleep is constantly being disrupted. If you really want to nap then do not do so for too long (say no longer than half an hour) and not after 3.00pm because napping during the day can interfere with night time sleep but sleep is a very individual thing. Some need more, some need less and it is very much about the quality of the sleep that we get that’s important.
Alarm If your alarm is sounding every morning but you feel like you have only just got into bed, then you may need more sleep. Instead of setting the alarm to go off even earlier to allow you time to adjust to getting up, simply go to bed earlier every night until you wake with a rediscovered zest for life. The perfect scenario is when you wake without an alarm and if that happens jump out of bed and face the day with excitement.
Plan Exercise is great for sleep but not too late in the day. The same can be said for eating late – give your body time to digest your food before heading to bed, however, do not go to bed hungry as that can also disturb sleep. Eat a snack if you are peckish before bedtime. In my experience it is best to avoid phone calls at night time especially if they cause stress. Get out of the house/office/car and get some daylight, every day, because sun, even through the clouds, helps both our mood and sleep – show yourself to the sky every day!
Write Keep a pen and writing pad beside your bed – if you wake in the middle of the night because of a worry or because you need to remember something write it down and deal with it the following morning. Keep a note of the worries that are preventing you from falling asleep and over the following days make a plan to tackle each worry individually if they are within your control. You are then changing the problem or worry list into a ‘to-do list’. Ask yourself what you can do to change your situation. Seek the advice of others.
Keeping notes in your mobile is not the same as writing in a notebook/writing pad because accessing your mobile in bed may encourage you to stay awake reading on line or looking at social media. Don’t forget – we are attempting to keep bedrooms free of screens! We all know that sleep is vital and some need more than others. Sleep helps our immune system, regulates our mood and restores our bodies and brains.
The results of poor sleep include increased blood pressure, higher stress, weight increase as it effects our BMI, impaired memory and slower cognitive functioning; general forgetfulness; reduced ability to get on with our day to day lives – in other words “Sleep Is Key”. We know what children can be like when they do not have enough sleep and we as adults are not much different. We might be irritable,, drowsy, and generally off-form.
The above are some tips to get your sleep in order however it may be an idea if you have difficulty sleeping for a prolonged period of time to speak with your doctor or medical adviser. You deserve to enjoy restful sleep.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Parenting Tips
When we buy a drinking beaker or an alarm clock we get an instruction manual in about twenty languages. There’s no such luck with children and we muddle along as best we can, learning as we go – usually from our mistakes. We don’t have the option to turn to page 87 of our parenting manual when our toddler is lying on the supermarket floor screaming as though she were being beaten because she wants a packet of chocolate buttons! Or turn to page 112 if our teenager won’t stop arguing/remains silent at the dinner table. Here are some helpful parenting tips that you may find useful – in fact they’re simply little reminders to help you be the best parent that you can be.
NOTE: There is no such thing as a perfect parent
Accept Your Child
Accept your child for who she is – completely. Accept her strengths and her limitations. Do not poke fun or tell stories about your child because it is belittling. Find an opportunity every day to genuinely praise your child. Praise accomplishments and efforts. Praise the soft skills of listening, sharing, caring rather than academic achievements. We all thrive on praise. Never compare your child with another either inside or outside your family. Your child is unique and that is to be acknowledged and celebrated. If your child is academic that is wonderful. If your child is not academic that is wonderful.
Talk and Listen
Talk with your child not at your child. Listen and hear what your child has to say. Enjoy the time you have with your child and bite your tongue when they tell you something! Remember that how you react will determine what happens next. Resist the urge to interrupt. Keep lines of communication open regardless of your child’s age. Chatting at every stage is the key to good communication – not interrogation, just chatting!
Be Active Together
Try to be active together whenever possible. Play and activity are key fundamentals for healthy living. Exercise and activity are investing in your child’s future health. Spending time with your children will help them feel secure and playing demonstrates that you can be fun and also that you enjoy spending time with them. Walking outdoors is an opportunity to chat about what is going on for your child while you admire nature particulaly with older children.
Respect
Treat your child as you would like to be treated. Respect her opinion and treat her with kindness. Listen to what your child wants to tell you – your child has opinions that will differ from yours which are worthy of your respect. When correcting your child, speak in lowered tones (never shout) – you will be heard and you will also be listened to. There is never any need to smack or slap a child. Would you be happy if someone else slapped or shouted at your child? When you have made a mistake apologise to your child and take full responsibility.
Eat together
Use mealtimes as an opportunity to connect as a family (even a family of two), sit together and ideally cook together. Turn off the tv, ban mobile phones, tablets etc from the meal table and start chatting about the day’s events. Ask open questions such as “what was the best (or worst) thing about the day” or “who would you like to sit beside in school and why?”
Your Child Is Watching
Children are constantly watching and learning from what they see. What you do and say will be repeated by them. Do you want your child to smoke or drink alcohol? To swear? To be respectful of others? To be kind to animals? To be judgemental? You are your child’s role model.
Be Involved
Depending on age, know where your child is, doing what and with whom. At home, ensure access to social media is age appropriate. Know what she is looking at on line and who she is in contact with. Readjust priorities so that you are present for your child as much as possible both physically and mentally. Get to know your children’s friends because they become their peers, the people with whom they spend their free time and turn to for advice as they get older. Spend time with your children individually every day.
Establish Rules in Advance
Always explain rules in advance. Be clear with your expectations for your child’s behaviour. If age-appropriate involve your child in the rule-making and proposed consequences – this demonstrates your child’s viewpoint is appreciated and expectations around behaviour are fully understood. Setting boundaries and consequences teach a child about their actions but should never make a child feel bad or worthless. Consequences explain what your child should and should not do and why – thus creating a basis for what is expected of them as they grow into self-reliant, competent and kind adults.
Parenting
Praise your partner for what he/she is doing well with your child. Discuss areas that need attention and work together as a team. If you are parenting alone, seek support from others because it is important to offload and get advice from people who have done this and learned the hard way like me – from doing everything wrong!
Be Loving
Love your child. Tell your child that you love her. Your message to your child is always “I love you“. You are your child’s greatest ally. Children’s behaviour from time to time may not be what we expect and your message then is “I love you no matter what but your behaviour is unacceptable“. Hug your children (in public choose your timing as you do not want to embarrass them). Hug them when they wake, when they’re leaving the house, when they return, go to bed etc. Hug them whenever you can because hugs are healing and convey the message that your child is loved by you even if they have misbehaved.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Do you often feel sad and alone? Does it seem that everyone else has lots going on in their lives and you don’t?
Move to a new area and don’t know many/any people
Separate from a partner (or our relationship breaks down)
Feel intimidated at school or at work
Think that everyone else has several friends and you don’t
Lose or change jobs
Experience bereavement
Lose contact with friends
Feel that life is dull or boring
Compare ourselves to others and don’t feel good/fun/interesting enough.
Leave home to start college or university
Get transferred to a new work location
Think no one understands
Feel left behind by life / friends / family
Loneliness is very common. If you are looking at people’s lives on social media and comparing your life to others’ try to bear in mind that no one posts photos of themselves alone feeling sad or low. Online virtual lives are portrayed as happy, smiley, fun, friendly, popular and not necessarily real. Loneliness has nothing to do with the number of friends that you have or your social life.
Be patient. Remind yourself that loneliness, although unpleasant, is perfectly natural. Everyone experiences loneliness at various stages throughout life.
Do something that you enjoy doing. Joining classes can be a great way to meet new people in your locality.
Get involved. Humans thrive on connection. Online connections are wonderful but in-person connecting is even better. Take up a new hobby.
Volunteer – in a charity shop, homeless shelter, animal rescue etc.
Mind your body – diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation and sunlight help us feel good.
Take your time developing new friendships. You may be super keen to form bonds but take it slowly.
Learn to relax. Switch off your worry by learning relaxation techniques.
It’s important to find the cause of your feelings of loneliness. If there is no specific reason it may be an idea to speak to your GP.
I can help you to be more content and comfortable and to stop judging yourself. Being alone will no longer mean that you feel lonely. I will try to help you boost your self-esteem so that you become more confident, happy and outgoing and learn to be your own best friend.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
How to Prevent Arguments at Home: Practical Tips for Calmer Conversations
Arguments at home can be draining and unproductive. Learn practical ways to prevent conflict, improve communication, and build understanding with loved ones.
Tips on what to do (particularly in our homes) to avoid arguments
While we are in contact with others, we will have differences of opinion. We might simply want to explain our point of view but sometimes those conversations, where we voice our opinions, turn into disagreements which can then progress into arguments. Arguments are often laden with personal insults, raised voices and verbal attacks and, instead of sorting out a difficulty, arguments add to it.
People ask how to move past or get over arguments and, in my experience, it would be best if we never argued because neither party feels good after an argument.
It is a fact of life that we will disagree with others at certain points in our lives but how we air that disagreement is key. There is no need for a verbal assault when we do not agree with someone especially about simple things like what to have for dinner or what programme to watch on tv. In fact there is never any need for a verbal assault.
When disagreements lead to conflict, it is time to examine how to improve our communication skills. Do not get caught up in the heat of the moment, remain calm and relaxed because your thinking will remain clear. If a discussion is beginning to turn into an argument, do not let it become personal.
Keep blame out of the conversation by learning to use “I Statements” which have a profoundly positive impact on all our communication because they instantly remove blame (or verbal finger pointing).
The I Statement format is “I feel X when Y because Z”.
Instead of saying “You drive me crazy because you never listen to me or what I am trying to tell you”, try “I feel frustrated when I am not heard because what I have to say is important to me.”
“You never clean up after yourself and I’ve spent the day tidying. You never lift a finger, you are so inconsiderate.” or “I feel disappointed there’s dirty ware in the sink because I spent a long time tidying and I am delighted when I have help in the kitchen” – see the difference? You are changing from accusatory to making a statement about how you feel about the situation.
If you think your conversation is getting emotional or heated, simply take time out. It is vital to explain, ahead of time, that the new course of action in your household is that you are removing yourself until you are relaxed. Explain that you are not ignoring the topic or the person because silence can be abusive. Later that day or when the time is right, sort out the difficulty and resolve differences of opinion through conversation. You can explain rather than express (rather than bang doors or go silent, simply chat).
Another point worthy of note is when we are desperately trying to get our point or opinion across, we actually forget to listen and hear what is being said. Before you respond to someone, you could try restating what has been said using your own words. This is called ‘reflective listening’ and is regularly used in therapy to demonstrate what a person is saying is being heard. Reflect back what you are hearing and then calmly share your opinion. When you use this technique, you and your family member will each reflect ideas, back and forth and you will feel understood and heard, even if you disagree.
Finding common ground and a resolution is important. We know disagreements take place and if you cannot agree, try to work towards finding the best resolution for you both – it is not enough to say – “…because I said so” instead ask “how can we compromise on this?”
Ask yourself whether any type of argument is really worth the hassle? It takes two to argue but only one to stop. Remember to always ask yourself “Will this matter in five years’ time?”
Ask yourself if you are trying to prove or demonstrate that you are right about something. If you are right, then invariably, someone else is wrong. Why is it important to you to prove that someone else wrong? Find a way to let it go.
Need support with relationship communication?
I offer one-to-one therapy sessions in Cork and online. If you’d like help navigating conflict, managing anxiety, or improving communication at home, feel free to contact me:
hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Call or text 087 710 7032
We may get angry when we think we have been disrespected, hard done by or unfairly treated. We may feel angry if someone breaks our rules or goes against our principles or does not meet our expectations.
When we have angry thoughts and feelings, we stimulate our body’s fight or flight response.
Anger in our minds
We may think angry thoughts when a rule is broken or if someone is unfairly treated or when we see an injustice. We may get angry about something outside of our control for example angry thoughts might happen at the side of a football pitch at a referee’s decision or if an umpire does not see what we see.
Anger in our bodies
When we feel threatened or in danger or that we need to defend ourselves or others, our bodies internal inbuilt alarm system switches on. This is our fight, flight or freeze response. When this response is triggered our hearts beat quickly pumping blood to our muscles to help us defend ourselves or run for the hills; our breathing quickens pumping oxygen around our bodies; our muscles become tense ready for action; we may tremble or shake; our skin sweats (sticky feeling hot & cold); we may feel dizzy or light-headed; our tummy can feel sick or strange (like butterflies doing backflips); we may clench our jaw muscles and fists.
Anger in our behaviours
To look at us when we are angry we might look a little wild, staring with a fearsome look; we may have an aggressive stance or posture; we might roar or shout or do the opposite and stay silent but on the inside we are seething. We might slam doors and make loads of noise or sulk and stay quiet. We might burst into tears. Anger affects us differently.
Anger
Anger is a normal human emotion and everyone feels angry from time to time. Anger can be a motivating emotion. However, when we get angry or lose our tempers (and lose control) it can often mean we hurt others’ feelings or even hurt others physically. Some people get angry when they are driving or become angry at work with their co-workers or managers. In my experience people who are very anxious or stressed easily lose their cool because when we are anxious the same hormones are released as when we are angry so our bodies are ready for anger when we are stressed.
Some people get angry after too much alcohol – this is because of a variety of reasons including the fact that we lose our ability to think rationally when we binge drink. I do not think people feel particularly happy after an angry outburst. In my experience, we feel worse than we did before we got angry because we can’t rewind and take back what we said or did.
To take control of your anger, learn to understand it. Anger is a reaction to your thoughts or to how you feel, your moods, to what’s going on around you or to your memories. Learning about your anger and identifying your hot points or triggers can help you stay in control. Find out what is most likely to make you angry. Take notice of what happens to you when you get angry, physically and mentally and learn how to react appropriately.
Self-Talk
If you sense that you are getting angry, catch it and take control by asking yourself a series of questions:
What is really making me angry?
How important is this?
Am I misreading the situation?
What is the best thing to do right now?
What is the best thing for me and for everyone else?
It is possible I might be wrong?
Could I be overreacting?
Take a deep breath and keep thinking…when people lose their temper they are not thinking clearly. Physical movement, even something as simple as consciously exhaling can help diffuse anger. It can also help to remove yourself from the physical situation – go outside or into another room or for a quick walk. You can come back and talk later.
Relaxation Tips
Relaxation techniques can be used to gain control over anger. Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing – learn to inhale into and out from your tummy (not your chest). Repeat to yourself a calm phrase or a word such as “relax,” “I am cool” or “this is not important to me”. Repeat that to yourself while you breathe in and out. Practice deep breathing daily so that when angry thoughts or anger triggers arise, you can use deep breathing to remain in control. Relaxing imagery is helpful where you visualise a relaxing place and it can help take your mind off your angry reaction.
Changing Thinking
People who are angry tend to focus on the negative such as “this is awful, now the whole day is ruined” or “this could only happen to me” “people always take advantage of me” or “I never have any luck”. Remind yourself that everyone has disappointments in life and tough times. Losing your temper will not help the situation and will probably make you feel worse. Become aware of what you are telling yourself, what is your internal voice saying – examine your thinking pattern and make changes.
Problem Solving
Your angry outburst is not problem-solving. If something is weighing on your mind, make a plan either alone or with a friend. What can you do to solve your problem? Is there a solution? Try to tackle your problems and to take control. Do not give yourself a hard time if you are unable to solve your problems – seek expert outside help.
Better Communication
Do not act on a conclusion because you could be way off target! If a discussion is bothering you, slow everything down and think about what you are going to say – don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Ask questions, try to listen to what is being said. There is no urgency with your reply. If you stay calm, you can avert an argument, confrontation and outburst.
If you are living with anger and want to discuss different ways of coping please contact me.
Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited - 636306 - Suite 7, Block A, South Terrace Medical Centre, Infirmary Road, Cork T12 WF40
Copyright 2021 Caroline Crotty. All rights reserved. Website by 
