The Courage to Be Yourself: Living Life on Your Own Terms
As a psychotherapist, I often sit with people who feel torn between what they want and what others expect of them, between what they feel and what they think they “should” feel. Invisible rules, self-doubt, guilt or fear often burden them, yet underneath it all, there is usually a quiet question whispering: “Can I live my life as myself?”
Yes you can! And more than that, you deserve to. We spend so much time figuring out what we ought to do – the right thing, the thing other people want us to do – feeling like we ‘should’ do this or ‘have to’ do that. At the end of the day, it’s our life, our choices and our consequences.
You Have One Life. And it’s Yours.
There is no dress rehearsal. No draft version. This is your one and only precious life. The more you try to shape yourself into someone who pleases everyone else at the expense of your wellbeing or what you want for yourself, the further you drift from being your true self. That disconnection from your values, needs and desires is often where anxiety, low mood and feeling very flat develop.
We are shaped by the families and cultures in which we grow up. We internalise what is “allowed, ” ” appropriate, ” ” successful,” or “encouraged” from a very early age. But part of being an adult and healing ourselves involves questioning our internalised messages.
Who are you beneath the roles you perform?
What matters to you? (Not what should matter, but what actually matters?)
What do you need – not to function but to flourish?
It Takes Courage to Choose Yourself
Being yourself is not easy. Sometimes it means saying no when others expect yes. Sometimes it means risking disapproval from people very close to you. It might mean that you’re stepping away from relationships or roles that no longer fit. Choosing yourself, your wellbeing, your authenticity, your peace is not selfish – it is self-respect and self-love.
The courage to be yourself is not always loud or defiant. It is often quiet. It is the decision to rest when you feel guilty for slowing down. It is the moment you say “Actually, this doesn’t work for me anymore.” It is doing something different even when nobody notices but you’re prioritising what you need for you.
What Therapy Can Offer
Therapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about exploring who you are beneath the noise and giving yourself permission to be. In therapy we look at the stories you have been told about who you are supposed to be. We examine the weight you are carrying and ask if it is really yours to continue to hold. Little by little we can build the confidence, boundaries and clarity which allow you to live more freely and fully – and to be you, yourself.
You Do Not Need to Justify the Life You Want
You do not owe anyone an explanation for doing what is right for you. Whether it is how you dress, who you love, the job you choose or the way you spend your free time – it is enough that it matters to you. We are not here to be palatable, to perform or to shrink. We are here to be real. Whole. Human.
A Gentle Reminder
If you are feeling the pull to change something, to reclaim something, to finally let yourself be who you are – why not follow it? You do not need permission
The life you want is not selfish or silly. It is sacred. It is yours.
Clear Your Clutter for Mental Wellbeing and Create Space for a Calmer Mind
Clutter is more than just a pile of “stuff”. It can weigh heavily on your mind, sap your energy and add to daily feelings of overwhelm. If you find it difficult to relax or focus when you’re at home, then it might be time to look at your physical surroundings. A calmer environment often supports a calmer mind. Imagine your home without the clutter – wouldn’t that be wonderful?!
Why Does Clutter Matter?
Research has shown that living in a cluttered environment is linked with increased stress levels, poorer mental health and reduced feelings of satisfaction at home. A messy space can quietly impact mood, concentration and sleep quality. In short, clearing clutter is not just about tidiness, it is about wellbeing.
Why Is It Hard to Let Go?
Many people keep items because of emotional attachment, guilt, or fear that they might need them in the future. These feelings are entirely understandable. However, when we hold onto too much, our homes can feel like museums of the past rather than places of rest and rejuvenation.
How to Start Clearing Clutter: A Practical Approach
Begin Small
Choose one small area – a drawer, a corner, or a shelf – and focus only there. Setting a timer for 15 or 20 minutes can help you stay motivated without becoming overwhelmed.
Use the Four-Box Method
Label four boxes or bags: Keep, Donate, Bin and Unsure. As you work, place each item into the appropriate box. Trust yourfirst instinct where possible.
Ask Yourself Three Questions
Do I use this?
Do I love this?
Would I buy it again today?
If the answer is “no”, it may be time to let it go.
Release Guilt
Keeping something you no longer want or need does not undo the money spent. Accepting that the true value of many items was in their use – not their storage 0 can be freeing.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
Decluttering is a process. Each step forward creates more breathing space. Celebrate every shelf cleared or drawer tidied.
The Emotional Side of Decluttering
It is human to feel a range of emotions while letting go of possessions. Some items hold memories or hopes for the future. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to keep items that genuinely bring joy or meaning and to release those that no longer serve you.
When to Seek Support
If clutter is impacting your life or if clearing feels overwhelming, then it is perfectly appropriate to seek help. Support from a trusted friend, a professional organiser or from a therapist who can make a significant difference and provide you with non-judgemental support. Your home should be a place of comfort, not chaos.
Every item you let go of clutter, it creates more room for clarity, calm and connection. Taking back your space is a powerful act of self-care and you deserve to live in a space that supports your wellbeing.
Reference
Saxbe, D. E., & Repetti, R. L. (2010). No place like home: Home tours correlate with daily patterns of mood and cortisol. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 71–81. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209352864
The study explored how people’s verbal descriptions of their home environments (recorded during home tours) were related to their daily patterns of mood and stress hormones, specifically cortisol. Women who described their homes as cluttered, unfinished, or stressful showed flatter diurnal cortisol slopes across the day. A flatter cortisol slope is considered a biological marker associated with chronic stress and poorer health outcomes. Those who described their homes as restorative or restful had healthier cortisol patterns and better reported mood.
Take Action Today
Choose one small thing to clear today – whether it’s a drawer, a shelf or a corner of a bookcase! Your future self will thank you for it. Every step you take creates more space for calm, clarity and joy. You are creating a home and a life you truly deserve.
35 Ways to Let Go
35 Strategies to Let Go of Unpleasant Memories and Reclaim Your Peace
Reframe the Memory as a Story of Growth
Practice Gratitude for the Negative
Laugh at Your Past Self
Use the Doorframe Technique
Visualise a “Memory Bank Withdrawal”
Engage Your Sense of Smell to Anchor the Present
Name the Emotion, Not the Memory
Create a Reverse Bucket List
Time Travel: Offer Compassion from Your Future Self
Touch Something Cold to Interrupt Thought Loops
Ask, “Will This Matter in Five Years?”
Deliberately Misremember the Memory
Sing the Memory Away to a Silly Tune
Assign the Memory to an Object and Release It
Explore Backward Gratitude
Try the Rubber Band Snap Technique
Watch the Memory Like a Movie
Write a “Breakup Letter” to the Memory
Balance It Out with a Memory Jar
Use Time-Changing Meditation (like sand dissolving)
Change Your Environment for New Stimuli
Rewrite the Memory in Your Dreams
Perform Tiny Acts of Kindness
Practice Radical Acceptance
Turn It Into Art (draw, paint, sculpt)
Shake It Off – Literally Move Your Body
Savour Micro-Moments of Joy
Create a Letting Go Playlist
Speak to the Memory as if It’s a Child
Do a Brain Dump – Write It All Out
Distract Yourself with Something New
Guided Visualisation: Let the Memory Float Down a River
Adopt Minimalist Thinking: Does This Serve Me?
Mirror Affirmations: “I Deserve Peace”
The 10 Deep Breaths Rule
Letting go is not about forgetting.
It’s about freeing yourself to fully live in the present.
3. Refocus: What is within my control?
☐ My attitude and effort
☐ How I speak to myself
☐ My actions today
☐ Whether I say yes or no to something
☐ The support I reach out for
☐ How I care for and look after myself
☐ Other: _______________________
4. One small step I will take today to help improve my mood:
This worksheet is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy principles. It can help reduce overwhelm by focusing your energy on what you can actually control, influence, or let go of.
You’re most likely overwhelmed, exhausted and carrying the invisible weight of how you were parented. And if you’re reading this, it most likely means that you want to be different for your children, and that’s where real change begins.
This is your gentle reminder: shouting is not a moral failing. It’s a signal from your nervous system saying, “I’m at capacity.”
Why You Shout (Even When You Don’t Want To)
Your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. You’re not choosing to shout – most likely, you’re reacting.
Your brain shifts into survival mode, away from reasoning and connection (emotional rather than rational).
You may be repeating patterns modelled to you by your parents.
Reflection Prompt: What do I remember about how adults responded when I was loud, upset or angry?
Your Child Isn’t “Pushing Your Buttons”
Your child isn’t being difficult to annoy you. They behave like a child – they are a child – learning, testing and feeling.
Your children show you where your buttons are so you can begin healing them.
Reflection Prompt:
I will list all the behaviours that make me feel like I’m about to lose my cool. I will name them and then notice what they stir inside me. What exposed nerve are they prodding?
Build a “Press Pause Plan”
Build a plan that helps you stay regulated even (or especially) when your child isn’t.
Ideas for a “Press Pause Plan”:
“I feel angry. I need to press pause.”
Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4 (Box Breathing)
Clench then release your fists – notice the tension release
Say: “I’m the adult. I can handle this.”
Step into the next room briefly, if safe to do so
Print your plan. Keep it accessible. Practice when you’re not activated.
Regulate Before You Educate
No one learns during a shouting match – not your child or you.
If your child is disregulated, they need co-regulation, not correction.
Discipline lands best when both of you are calm.
You don’t have to fix anything in the heat of the moment – come back to it later with clarity and kindness.
Scripts to Practise
Instead of:“Why do you always act like this?!” Try:“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a second.”
Instead of:“Right! That’s it. I’ve had enough!” Try:“This is hard right now. Let’s figure it out together.”
These shifts help you move from control to connection.
It’s Never Too Late to Change
The best parenting moment isn’t when you get it right. It’s when you repair.
I do not condone shouting at children. Research shows that repeated exposure to shouting can be psychologically damaging and may impact a child’s sense of safety, self-worth and emotional development. That said, no parent is perfect. Shouting does not make you a bad parent, but what matters most is your willingness to reflect on it, to repair and to change. You can interrupt the cycle – starting now – and build a calmer, more connected relationship with your child.
Remember: your home will be quiet and tidy quicker than you realise. Parenting is challenging and complex. Please talk to someone if you’re finding it difficult to keep cool. I know other parents will affirm whatever you feel. Learn how to remain calm, focused and in control of your reactions – it can be done.
Parents: Calm-Down Plan
Calm-Down: Plan for Parents Worksheet
This printable worksheet supports parents who want to reduce shouting and respond calmly to their children even during difficult moments.
Step 1: Know Your Triggers
What behaviours or situations usually push your buttons?
Defiance
Tantrums
Repetition (asking the same thing repeatedly)
Whining
Mess / chaos
Public behaviour
Other: ________________________
Step 2: Recognise What You Feel
Before you react, can you name what’s happening inside you? What do feel?
Frustration
Embarrassment
Powerlessness
Guilt
Tension
Anger
Overwhelm
Other: ________________________
Step 3: Press Pause
When you’re close to snapping, give yourself a moment – a micro-pause – to remember:
This moment will pass.
My child is learning. Learning from me.
I am shaping our future relationship.
My child won’t stay small forever. One day, they’ll remember how I responded to their hardest moments.
I am doing my best – I am in control of this.
Pause Thought Prompts:
“What do I want them to remember about me in this moment?”
“Is this an emergency or just uncomfortable?”
“How can I bring calm instead of chaos?”
Step 4: Choose a Calming Strategy
Pick one or two to practise when tension rises:
Box Breathing (In 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4)
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 feel, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste
Hand on Heart: Say “I’m here. I can do this.”
Step outside or change rooms for 60 seconds
Splash cool water on face or wrists.
Hum or sigh on your exhale on the longest exhale you can give
Shake out hands or sway side to side
Use a grounding phrase:
“I can handle this.”
“I’m an adult.
Write your own calming phrase: ______________________
_____________________________
Step 5: Plan What to Say Instead of Shouting
Create one or two go-to sentences that can help you stay regulated:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need to press pause.”
“This is difficult. Let’s try again together.”
Your own suggestion: _____________________________
Step 6: After the Moment Has Passed
Use this space to reflect:
What worked well? _______________________________________
What might I do differently next time? __________________________
This isn’t about being a perfect parent (because they don’t exist)! This is about being present and practising a new way, over and over. I believe that you’ll get there! (eventually) You are not failing. You are learning.
The cycle of anxiety often follows this loop: Trigger → Unhelpful Thought → Physical Sensation → Behaviour → Short-Term Relief → Reinforcement
1. What was the trigger? (What started the anxiety?)
________________________________________
2. What thought(s) went through my mind?
________________________________________
________________________________________
3. What did I feel in my body?
Heart racing
Shaky
Sweating
Tight chest / clenched jaw
Stomach upset
Other: ____________
4. What did I do to cope? (Behaviour)
Avoided the situation
Sought reassurance
Overprepared
Distracted myself
Cancelled plans
Other: ____________
5. What was the outcome?
________________________________________
6. Where could I break the cycle next time?
________________________________________
________________________________________
This worksheet is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) principles that help individuals understand and interrupt unhelpful patterns linked to anxiety.
Instructions: Tick any thinking styles you’ve noticed in yourself recently. Then use the space at the bottom to reframe one of them in a more balanced way.
All-or-Nothing Thinking – “If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.”
Catastrophising – “If this goes wrong, everything will fall apart.”
Mind Reading – “They must think I’m useless.”
Overgeneralising – “This always happens to me.”
Labelling – “I’m a failure / weak / stupid.”
Should Statements – “I should be able to handle this.”
Personalisation – “This is all my fault.”
Discounting the Positive – “That success doesn’t count.”
Reframing Practice:
Choose one thought above and write a more realistic or compassionate version of it:
This tool is based on evidence from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which helps people notice and respond to the links between thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
Self-Soothing Toolkit: Calm Yourself When Life Feels Too Much
1. What Helps Me Feel Calm When I’m Upset?
Soft textures (blankets, jumpers, etc.)
Warm tea or a hot water bottle
Nature sounds or calming music
Smelling something grounding (lavender, citrus)
Hugging a pet
Writing or doodling
Breathing exercises
Going outside
Telling someone how I feel
2. Which Senses Help Me Most?
Sight (lighting, colours, visual calm)
Touch (pressure, movement, softness)
Sound (music, quiet, white noise)
Smell (oils, candles, natural scents)
Taste (tea, chewing gum, something grounding)
3. My Personal Soothing List
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
4. Emergency Toolkit – For Tough Days
I can remind myself: ____________________________
I can do this calming action: ______________________
I can call or message: ___________________________
I will NOT: ____________________________________
“The goal is not to avoid feeling overwhelmed but to notice, press pause and care for yourself in a kind and gentle way.”
Panic attacks are sudden episodes of intense fear or discomfort, often accompanied by physical symptoms such as a racing heart, chest pain, dizziness, and sometimes difficulty breathing. These episodes can feel overwhelming and frightening, but they are treatable.
As a Cork-based psychotherapist, I, Caroline Crotty, have worked with many people who experience panic attacks. The good news is that panic attacks can become manageable with the right tools and understanding.
Why Do Panic Attacks Happen?
Panic attacks occur when the body’s fight-or-flight system is triggered, sometimes without any apparent threat. The autonomic nervous system governs this automatic response.
Panic attacks can feel overwhelming, but they are treatable. In this guide, Cork-based psychotherapist Caroline Crotty offers practical tools and techniques to help you cope and feel more in control.
And can be influenced by factors such as:
Stress
Trauma
Lack of sleep
Caffeine
Certain thought patterns
Understanding this physiological basis can help reduce fear and give context to what may otherwise feel very frightening.
How to Know It’s a Panic Attack
It’s important to distinguish between a panic attack and other medical issues. If symptoms are new or unusual, you should consult your GP to determine any underlying health concerns.
Common signs of a panic attack include:
A racing or pounding heart
Feeling dizzy or faint
Sweating or chills
Chest pain or tightness
Feeling detached or unreal
A fear of losing control or dying
What To Do During a Panic Attack
These techniques may not stop the panic immediately, but they can reduce the intensity and help you move through the experience safely.
1. Acknowledge the Panic
Remind yourself:
“This is a panic attack. It will pass. I am safe.”
2. Focus on Your Breathing
Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique:
Inhale for 4 seconds
Hold your breath for 7 seconds
Exhale slowly for 8 seconds
Repeat 4 times
This helps calm your nervous system and re-centre your body.
3. Ground Yourself: 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Use your senses to bring yourself back to the present. Name:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
4. Challenge the Thought
Ask yourself:
“Is there real danger here?”
“Have I felt this way before and come through it?”
“Is this worried thought a fact — or just a feeling?”
5. Move Your Body
Gentle movement — even standing, walking, or stretching — can help regulate your nervous system. If possible, change your environment or step away from the trigger. Doing something else, however small, can help shift your focus.
When to Seek Support
If you regularly experience panic attacks, counselling or psychotherapy can be helpful. A trained professional can work with you to explore the triggers, thoughts and experiences that may underlie your anxiety and to develop tools that support you in feeling more in control.
Need Support?
I’m Caroline Crotty, a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist in Cork. If panic attacks or anxiety are affecting your life, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone, and support is available.
1. Why am I seeking therapy? (Tick any that apply)
Anxiety or panic
Low mood or depression
Relationship issues
Loss, grief or trauma
Stress or burnout
Identity, sexuality, or self-esteem
I’m not sure — I just know I need support
2. What am I hoping will happen in therapy?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
3. What kind of therapist do I think I’d work best with?
Someone warm and chatty
Someone calm and reflective
Someone who challenges me
Someone who gives structure and homework
I’m not sure — I’m open
4. Questions to ask a therapist or psychologist:
What kind of clients do you usually work with?
What approach do you use (CBT, integrative, person-centred)?
How often would we meet and for how long?
What happens if I don’t feel a connection?
Do you work with [insert your concern]?
What are your qualifications and professional body?
5. Am I ready for therapy?
I’m open to talking about difficult feelings
I understand therapy is a process, not a quick fix
I’m willing to show up consistently
Still not sure? Sometimes the first step is just a conversation.
Parenting a Teen with type 1 diabetes:
Parents Need Support Too
Being a parent is never easy but when your child is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, the job becomes even more complex.
As a psychotherapist working with parents and adolescents, and lead author of a recent study published in the Irish Medical Journal, I’ve spent time listening closely to parents who are raising teenagers with this lifelong condition. What they told me was clear: they are exhausted, worried and often coping in silence.
The Hidden Emotional Load
When a child is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, the focus quite rightly turns to medical care: blood sugar monitoring, insulin management, carb counting and emergency plans. But behind all of that, there’s another story – that of the parent.
Many of the parents with whom I spoke described feeling overwhelmed, constantly on edge and even guilty. They often questioned whether they were doing enough or doing the right thing. As their children move into adolescence and begin taking on more responsibility, thir fear doesn’t disappear – it changes shape. Parents are still quietly carrying the burden, sometimes without even realising how much it’s affecting them.
Support for Parents Is Not Optional
It’s vital we acknowledge the emotional needs of parents, and not just children. When parents are supported – whether through psychotherapy, peer support, or simply being given space to talk – the whole family benefits.
In my work with parents of teens (with and without chronic illness), I’ve seen the difference it makes when parents have the opportunity to reflect, breathe and feel heard.
Therapy can help parents:
Manage anxiety and fear
Cope with their child’s growing independence
Navigate sibling dynamics
Improve emotional regulation during stressful times
Feel less alone
You Are Not Alone
If you’re parenting a child with type 1 diabetes, please know that your feelings are valid, your work is seen and you deserve support.
I offer one-to-one counselling and psychotherapy for parents, including short-term focused sessions. Feel free to get in touch, even just for a chat about what support might look like.
Because when we care for the carers, we care for the whole family.
Book a Talk
Book a Talk: Mental Wellbeing for Workplaces and Parenting for Real Life
Stress, anxiety and overwhelm are words we hear every day, whether it’s in the workplace or at the kitchen table.
As a qualified psychotherapist based in Cork city, I provide engaging, evidence-based talks that support mental wellbeing at work and at home. Whether you’re looking to promote positive mental health in your workplace or guide parents through the rollercoaster of adolescence, I offer practical tools with lasting impact.
Corporate Wellbeing Talks
In today’s fast-paced work environments, stress and burnout are common. My workplace talks are designed to support staff, increase self-awareness and provide practical ways to feel content and focused. Popular topics include:
How to manage stress and avoid burnout
Understanding anxiety and building resilience
What wellbeing really means and how to feel better, not just busy
Mental health at work: prevention, not crisis response
Parenting Talks: Support with Realistic Strategies
I also deliver parenting talks focused on raising children and adolescents with compassion and clear boundaries. If you’re navigating the challenges of too much screen time, emotional meltdowns, or gentle parenting dilemmas, you’re not alone! I offer support that’s rooted in psychology and real life.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or stuck in a cycle of worried thoughts, you are not alone. Many people experience periods of stress, anxiety, or low mood — especially when life becomes demanding, uncertain or emotionally draining. As a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Cork City, I support both adults and adolescents in managing these challenges and improving emotional wellbeing.
When Worry Becomes a Problem
Worry is a normal part of life, but when it becomes constant, intrusive or exhausting, it may be a sign that you need extra support. You might find yourself:
Overthinking everything
Struggling to sleep
Feeling irritable or tearful
Avoiding certain situations
Finding it hard to relax or enjoy things
Whether you’re dealing with stress at work, school pressures, family difficulties, or uncertainty about the future, therapy can help you make sense of what’s happening and regain a sense of control.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy provides a confidential, non-judgmental space where you can explore your thoughts and emotions safely. I use an integrative approach, drawing from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and talk therapy to tailor each session to your individual needs.
Together, we work to:
Understand what’s contributing to your stress or anxiety
Develop practical tools to manage negative thinking patterns
Explore healthier ways to cope with challenges
Build emotional resilience and self-awareness
This work can be especially helpful for adolescents who may struggle to express what they’re going through, or who are impacted by social pressure, school demands, or low self-esteem.
Supporting Adolescents and Adults in Cork
I have many years of experience working with both teenagers and adults across a wide range of issues. Clients often come to me when they are feeling “not themselves”, struggling with motivation, or facing significant life changes. You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, reaching out early often prevents things from becoming more overwhelming.
I also support parents who are concerned about their teenager’s emotional wellbeing, offering guidance and reassurance around what is normal and when to seek help.
Why Choose Therapy in Cork City?
Choosing a therapist is a personal decision. Based in Cork city centre, my practice is easily accessible and offers a calm, welcoming space where you can feel heard and supported.
Whether you’re looking for short-term support to manage a specific difficulty, or longer-term work to understand patterns and make lasting change, I’d be happy to speak with you.
My Approach: Integrating Counselling and Psychotherapy
As a psychology graduate, I bring a strong foundation in psychological theory to my work, alongside years of practical, real-world therapeutic experience. I integrate both counselling and psychotherapy approaches to support people in the way that suits them best.
Counselling can offer short-term, solution-focused support for managing specific issues like anxiety or stress, while psychotherapy allows for deeper, long-term exploration of patterns, past experiences and emotional growth. In practice, I often blend both approaches — offering tools for immediate relief while also supporting deeper understanding and long-lasting change.
Whether you’re looking to manage daily stress, explore underlying causes of worry, or simply understand yourself better, I work collaboratively with you to shape therapy around your needs and pace.
Get in Touch
If you’re feeling anxious, stressed, or simply need someone to talk to, you are very welcome to contact Caroline Crotty
Contact Me
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress or anxiety and would like to talk, you’re very welcome to get in touch. I offer confidential counselling for adults and adolescents in Cork and online.
Revenge Bedtime Procrastination: Origins, Signs and Impact
In today’s fast-paced world, many people find themselves sacrificing sleep in favour of late-night scrolling, binge-watching or mindless online activity. This behaviour has a name: Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. As a psychotherapist, I often hear people describe staying up late or later than they’d intended despite knowing they will feel exhausted the next day. Why do we do this and what’s really behind it?
What Is Revenge Bedtime Procrastination?
‘Revenge bedtime procrastination’ refers to delaying going to bed to reclaim personal time, especially after a day filled with work, responsibilities or emotional demands. It’s a subconscious form of protest – a way of taking control of one’s time when the day hasn’t allowed enough rest, relaxation, autonomy or just time!
The term is believed to have originated in China, where it was coined as “bàofùxìng de áoyè”, meaning “retaliatory staying up late”. It reflects the experience of people who feel they have no free time during the day and seek compensation late at night, even at the cost of their wellbeing.
Common Signs
You might be experiencing revenge bedtime procrastination if you:
Delay going to bed despite feeling tired
Say things like “I need some time for myself”
Use devices excessively at night without purpose
Ignore bedtime routines or relaxation habits
Feel regretful or more anxious the next morning
Unlike insomnia or sleep disorders, this pattern is not caused by difficulty sleeping but by the conscious decision to postpone sleep in favour of leisure, often out of frustration, resentment or habit.
Psychological Roots
As a psychotherapist, I see this often in people who are:
Overextended by work, caregiving or academic demands
Feeling a lack of control or autonomy in daily life
Experiencing burnout or emotional fatigue
Prone to perfectionism or people-pleasing
In many cases, individuals know that sleep is essential but the emotional pull of having “just a little time for me” wins out. This is particularly true for those with high-pressure jobs or parenting responsibilities – people who give all day and receive very little personal space in return.
The Impact on Mental Health
Chronic sleep deprivation is strongly linked with mental health issues including:
Increased anxiety and irritability
Poor concentration and memory
Low mood or symptoms of depression
Heightened stress and emotional reactivity
Over time, the habit of sacrificing sleep can create a cycle of emotional exhaustion, reduced resilience and worsening sleep hygiene. This, in turn, affects mood, performance and relationships.
How to Break the Cycle
Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t about laziness – it’s a signal that your emotional needs may not be met during the day. Here are some gentle ways to regain balance:
1. Reclaim time earlier in the day
Try to carve out 15 to 30 minutes of guilt-free personal time during the day. It could be a walk, reading a book or simply sitting with a cup of tea. Small intentional pauses can reduce the urge to reclaim time late at night.
2. Set a gentle wind-down routine
Establish a bedtime that allows for at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep and create a calming ritual before bed. Avoid screens where possible and replace them with activities that signal rest (like reading or journalling).
3. Acknowledge the emotional need
Rather than criticising yourself for staying up late, explore what emotional need you are trying to meet. Is it freedom? Quiet? Autonomy? Begin to meet those needs earlier in the day where you can.
4. Seek support
If the cycle feels hard to break, working with a psychotherapist can help you understand the emotional drivers behind your habits and support you in making sustainable changes.
Revenge bedtime procrastination is more than poor time management – it’s often a quiet protest against a life that feels too demanding or unbalanced. By listening to what your late-night habits are telling you and making room for your needs earlier in the day, you can restore your energy, sleep and emotional wellbeing.
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone and support is available.
Rethinking the Phrase ‘Toxic Masculinity’: A Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Supporting Men and Boys
As a psychotherapist working with men and adolescents, I have witnessed first-hand the impact of how we talk about masculinity. The phrase “toxic masculinity” is often used to describe behaviours that arise from rigid, harmful gender expectations, such as emotional suppression, dominance or violence. While the intention is to challenge these patterns, I believe the phrase itself can do more harm than good.
Language Matters
When we attach the word “toxic” to “masculinity”, we risk suggesting that masculinity itself is the problem. This can alienate boys and men who are already grappling with identity, self-worth and belonging. Many of the men I meet in therapy are thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and trying to be good partners, fathers, friends and colleagues. Yet they can feel shamed by the broader narrative around masculinity.
Language shapes perception. If we label men as inherently flawed or dangerous, we shut down opportunities for meaningful dialogue and healing. Instead of creating space for growth, we risk reinforcing shame – the very thing that underlies emotional withdrawal, defensiveness or aggression.
The Real Issue: Limiting Gender Expectations
The issue is not masculinity, but the restrictive norms that have historically defined it. Boys are still often taught to equate strength with silence, vulnerability with weakness and self-worth with dominance or control. “Big boys don’t cry” remains a common message. These behaviours are learned and they can be unlearned.
Rather than framing the problem in terms that condemn, we need to speak about:
Unhelpful social expectations around masculinity
Learned behaviours that no longer serve
The value of emotional expression and relational connection
The importance of reimagining what strength and courage look like
This shift in language fosters compassion, reflection and responsibility which are all key elements in psychological growth.
Let’s also be clear that “lads being lads” is not a free pass. We still hear men dismiss unkindness or cruelty as “just banter,” or avoid difficult conversations by leaning into dark humour or bravado. While social bonding is important, normalising this kind of surface-level connection can reinforce emotional avoidance and prevent men from asking one another “How are you really doing?” We don’t need to shame men but we do need to challenge a culture that excuses harmful behaviour and silences emotional honesty.
The Missing Rite of Passage
Moreno Zugaro, in his article “Toxic Masculinity Is Not A Men’s Issue” emphasises that the absence of traditional rites of passage in modern society leaves many males in a state of prolonged adolescence. In tribal communities, rituals guided boys to harness their masculine energy in healthy ways. Without such guidance, many men struggle to transition into mature adulthood, leading to behaviours often labelled as “toxic.” Zugaro notes that our society lacks these rituals, which is why it’s full of adult-sized boys rather than grown, mature men.
What Men Need
Men who come to therapy are often trying to break cycles, build healthier relationships and understand themselves better. They do not need to be told they are toxic. They need support to undo the conditioning that taught them to hide, suppress or react with defensiveness or aggression. “I come from a long line of angry men Caroline it’s in my DNA” is something I often hear from men who are shouting at their children or partners.
Masculinity is not inherently toxic. At its best, it can be grounded, kind, strong, protective, curious and emotionally intelligent. The task is not to dismantle masculinity, but to widen it and to make space for more ways of being male.
A Better Conversation
We cannot afford to diminish or shame boys and men doing their best to grow. The phrase “toxic masculinity” may have begun as a call to awareness, but in practice, it is often misunderstood or misused.
In his article “Masculinity Is Not Our Enemy,” Michael Gurian argues that masculinity is often mischaracterised in our culture. He stresses the importance of challenging popular and academic ideas that distort our understanding of healthy male identity. Gurian reminds us that boys and men need our support and compassion, not condemnation and that their wellbeing is inseparable from the wellbeing of society as a whole.
What Are We Teaching Our Children?
As we reflect on masculinity, we must also be mindful of how all gender roles are modelled. In today’s world, we increasingly see women adopting behaviours traditionally associated with male identity such as drinking heavily, reacting with physical aggression, or expressing admiration in overt ways. While equality is vital, mimicking the less healthy aspects of traditional masculinity is not progress.
We need to consider what messages we are sending our children and not just to boys about toughness and anger, or to girls about gentleness and silence, but to all young people about emotional health, self-expression and respect.
The goal is not to suppress difference but to ensure that our behaviours are informed by awareness, not stereotype. We must equip young people with the freedom and tools to explore who they are beyond outdated notions of what it means to be either male or female.
Let’s replace the language of shame with words that encourage reflection and openness. If we want the next generation to thrive – boys, girls and all identities – we need to speak with care, model emotional health and leave space for everyone to be fully human.
If you’re interested in exploring these themes in therapy, feel free to get in touch. You can contact me here hello@carolinecrotty.ie
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Adolescence Documentary
Why We Should Think Twice Before Showing Adolescence to Young People in Schools
In recent weeks, the four-part documentary series Adolescence has received widespread attention for its raw, unfiltered portrayal of teenage life. While the series has sparked important public conversations, it raises serious concerns among mental health professionals and educators about its suitability for viewing in school settings.
As a psychotherapist working with young people and someone involved in designing and delivering school-based wellbeing programmes, I have worked closely with teachers, principals and the Department of Education to ensure that sensitive topics are introduced in a safe, age-appropriate and developmentally informed way.
Emotional Intensity Without Therapeutic Support
Adolescence includes deeply personal and distressing accounts of trauma, including murder and the non-consensual sharing of explicit images of a young girl. These are harrowing events, and while they are sadly a reality for some, presenting them to a young audience without a clinical or therapeutic framework can be deeply destabilising.
Research in developmental psychology shows that the adolescent brain is highly sensitive to emotional stimuli but lacks the full cognitive capacity to regulate and contextualise complex emotional content. Viewing emotionally intense material without proper scaffolding or follow-up can heighten anxiety, trigger unresolved trauma or contribute to vicarious distress.
Risk of Normalising Risky Behaviour
One of the well-documented effects of media exposure on young people is the risk of descriptive norming, the tendency to view behaviours shown in media as typical or socially acceptable simply because they are portrayed. In Adolescence, risky behaviours are depicted with minimal commentary. Without structured discussion and guidance, there is a real concern that these behaviours may be normalised rather than critically examined.
There is also a risk of normalising violence and aggression as a rite of passage for young people, particularly boys, although Adolescence also depicts a young teenage girl engaging in physical fighting. When violence is portrayed without context or consequence, it may reinforce harmful norms around gender and aggression.
Labelling these behaviours under the umbrella of toxic masculinity risks oversimplifying the issue and may inadvertently reinforce stereotypes. Rather than accepting aggression or emotional suppression as part of male identity, we must work to promote emotional literacy, empathy and healthy communication skills across all genders.
Triggering Content for Vulnerable Students
For adolescents already living with trauma, grief, abuse or mental health difficulties, scenes portraying violent death, sexual abuse or image-based exploitation may trigger acute emotional responses or retraumatise viewers.
The HSE’s National Guidelines on Mental Health Promotion and Suicide Prevention (2019) stress the importance of protecting young people from media content that could negatively influence their mental wellbeing, especially when it comes to themes of suicide and self-harm. Schools have a duty of care to their students and should err on the side of caution when selecting resources.
Lack of Clear Educational Outcomes
For material to be suitable for school use, it must have a clearly defined educational purpose aligned with developmental outcomes. While Adolescence may raise awareness, it lacks the structure, educational framing and learning outcomes needed to help young people engage with the content critically and safely.
Effective wellbeing education is grounded in evidence-based programmes that support emotional literacy, resilience and help-seeking behaviour. As it stands, Adolescence is a documentary for public awareness and reflection, not a pedagogical tool designed for adolescent development.
Alternatives Exist
There are numerous age-appropriate, evidence-based programmes designed specifically for school settings that explore mental health, identity, relationships and risk-taking behaviour in a structured, supportive way. These include:
Jigsaw’s One Good School programme or NEART initiative SPHE resources vetted by the Department of Education The HSE’s MindOut and Mental Health and Wellbeing resources
These tools offer professional guidance, structured delivery and teacher training to ensure that young people are not only informed but also supported.
In Conclusion…
Young people deserve honest and empathetic conversations about mental health and adolescence. But timing, context and delivery matter.
While Adolescence may offer valuable insights for parents, educators and policymakers, it is not suitable for classroom viewing. Parents may benefit from watching the series to gain a deeper understanding of the pressures young people face, but what is to be gained by exposing adolescents to such traumatic content without professional support? Why should teachers pick up the burden of parenting our young people?
I am a trained professional and I cried at Stephen Graham’s performance, the father who believed he was a wonderful parent because he had not hit his children, as he himself had been beaten. The heartbreak in that moment was real, but its intensity shows why this material must be handled with care.
Educators and schools must prioritise psychological safety, emotional readiness and duty of care when selecting any material. In place of raw exposure, let us choose structured, age-appropriate conversations that educate, empower and protect.
“Workplace wellbeing” has become one of those phrases that often gets tossed around with good intentions but little clarity. It’s printed on posters, added to agendas and slotted into wellness weeks – it’s up on posters in various offices but what does it really mean? And more importantly: why should any organisation take ‘wellbeing’ seriously?
Wellbeing Is Not a Luxury – It’s a Foundation
We’re way way past the days when wellbeing was seen as a soft or fluffy add-on. Research from the World Health Organisation and Harvard Business Review consistently shows that employee wellbeing is directly linked to:
Lower absenteeism
Improved productivity
Higher staff retention
Greater job satisfaction
Stronger team cohesion
When people feel better, they work better. It’s not indulgence – it’s good business.
What Workplace Wellbeing Actually Means
At its core, wellbeing at work is about creating the conditions where people can function at their best, mentally and emotionally, not just physically.
That includes:
Freedom of mind — not being consumed by anxiety or comparison
Clarity of thought – knowing how to quiet the mental chatter
Emotional literacy – recognising stress signals early
Permission to slow down – without fear of being judged
Feeling valued – not just in performance reviews but in everyday moments
In my corporate talks, I help teams understand how to access these states, using plain English, real-life examples and psychological tools that don’t require a psychology degree.
It’s Not Just Yoga and Fruit Bowls!!
There’s nothing wrong with wellness perks but authentic workplace wellbeing is cultural, not cosmetic and not just a few buzzwords on posters in the canteen.
Offering meditation apps or step challenges is fine, but if your team feels constantly overwhelmed, under-appreciated or mentally drained, no number of smoothies will solve it.
Through my workshops and talks, I explore:
What contentment really means (and why happiness isn’t the goal)
How to understand and manage anxiety – it’s not always a bad thing
Why comparison erodes confidence – and what to do about it
How movement affects mood – and how to build it into busy lives
Quieting the inner critic – because it’s not helping anyone
These aren’t theoretical ideas – they’re simple, grounded strategies based on psychological evidence and real-world experience.
Who Are These Talks For?
I work with:
Businesses seeking meaningful content for staff wellbeing days
HR managers looking to support team mental health
Festival/Conference organisers planning wellbeing panels or talks
Organisations who want something more relatable than corporate coaching jargon
Talks can be delivered in person in Cork or across Ireland or online via Zoom or Teams, and are typically 50 minutes long.
Why It Matters
You can’t have high performance without emotional resilience. You can’t expect creativity or focus from people who are running on empty. And you can’t build a healthy culture without understanding how your people really feel.
That’s why wellbeing at work isn’t just a buzzword — it’s an investment in the most valuable asset your organisation has: your people.
Interested in Booking a Talk?
If you’re looking for a speaker who brings depth, warmth and clarity to topics like anxiety, mindset, comparison and emotional wellbeing – let’s talk.
Informed. Uplifting. Practical. Psychology that people can use.
Looking for a speaker who can inspire and connect without clichés or corporate fluff? Caroline Crotty is a psychotherapist and public speaker based in Cork, offering talks that blend professional expertise with warmth, humour and realism. Whether speaking in a boardroom, at a staff wellbeing day or on stage at a festival, Caroline delivers practical mental health and wellbeing strategies that people actually use.
What Caroline Talks About
Caroline speaks on a range of topics related to mental health, emotional wellbeing and everyday resilience. All talks are rooted in psychological insight, delivered in clear, plain language and tailored for real-life relevance.
Popular topics include:
What Is Wellbeing, Really?
Cutting through buzzwords to define and explore practical wellbeing for real lives.
How to Be Happy (Or At Least Content)
Understanding mood, mindset and how we can create contentment through small consistent changes.
Freedom of Mind: Quieting Thoughts in a Noisy World
Simple strategies for managing rumination, overthinking and inner critics.
Understanding Anxiety – It’s Not Always Bad
What anxiety really is, why it exists and how to work with it instead of fearing it.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else
Exploring self-worth, social media and why we’re never as far behind as we think
The Art of Communication
Learn practical communication strategies to support clarity, connection and collaboration in the workplace and beyond.
Leadership and Emotional Intelligence
Understanding how to lead with empathy, self-awareness and psychological safety.
How to Build a Winning Team Culture
Explore the psychology of team dynamics, motivation and what makes people feel valued and willing to contribute.
Custom talks can be created for your team or event based on your themes or priorities.
Who It’s For
Caroline regularly speaks at:
Workplace wellbeing iniatives &HR-led events
National and local conferences and festivals
Schools and universities to staff and students
Online webinars and mental health panels
Community health and wellness initiatives
What to Expect
Talks range from 30 to 60 minutes
Delivered in-person (based in Cork, available nationwide) or online via Zoom
Engaging, evidence-informed and adapted to the audience
Caroline works closely with organisers to make sure the message fits your culture and context
Why Book Caroline?
Caroline brings something different:
A background in psychotherapy, property and law
A deep understanding of corporate pressure, family life and mental overload
A relatable approach that makes people feel seen
No jargon, no judgement — just insights that help people live and work with more ease
Book a Talk or Make an Enquiry
To book Caroline for a talk, workshop or panel, please get in touch below. You can also request a call to discuss your needs.
Based in Cork. Available for bookings across Ireland and online.
Private Therapy in Cork City: A Space to Think, Talk and Breathe
In the fast pace of modern life, many of us have become experts at coping, managing and pushing through. Everything may appear “fine” on the outside, but inside, it’s a different story: sleepless nights, a sense of overwhelm, decision fatigue and feeling like you’re constantly “on.”
Whether you’re a busy professional, a business owner or someone navigating a particularly difficult chapter, there’s no need to carry it all alone.
Therapy offers a calm, confidential space where you can offload the mental load and finally exhale.
Why People Choose Therapy
The people who reach out to me are often capable, high-functioning adults who are used to managing on their own. They are not “broken” or “in crisis.” They are simply tired — mentally, emotionally and physically — from holding too much for too long.
Common reasons people contact me include:
Ongoing anxiety or overthinking that affects sleep and relationships
Emotional burnout and chronic mental exhaustion
Managing a high-pressure role with little time to reflect
A desire for a neutral, professional space to talk without judgement or unsolicited advice
Working through past experiences that continue to shape present-day life
What I Offer
I provide private psychotherapy for adults in Cork city and online. My approach is warm, grounded and practical. I work particularly well with those who need:
A trusted sounding board, not just advice, but someone who will genuinely listen
Support with stress, anxiety or emotional overwhelm
A consistent, confidential space to think clearly and make sense of things
A way to explore what’s next, personally, professionally or both
I also offer professional supervision for solicitors, barristers and legal professionals managing the emotional toll of heavy caseloads and vicarious trauma.
In-Person and Online Appointments
My therapy practice is based in Cork city centre. I also offer online sessions via Zoom for those who prefer the convenience of attending from home or work. Therapy should fit into your life, not add stress to it.
You Don’t Have to Be in Crisis to Come to Therapy
Therapy is not only for when things fall apart. It can be a powerful tool for maintaining wellbeing, building resilience and staying mentally sharp in demanding environments.
Investing in your emotional health is not a luxury. It is a necessity.
Ready to Talk?
If you’re ready for a space to talk, think and breathe, and begin to feel more like yourself again, I’d be happy to speak with you.
Sessions are private, professional and tailored to your needs.
Letting Go of Parenting Guilt: You’re Doing Better Than You Think
Feeling guilty as a parent? You’re not alone. Whether it’s screen time, shouting, or just not feeling “present enough”, parenting guilt is one of the most common issues I hear from mums and dads in therapy.
We all want to do our best but parenting doesn’t come with a manual. The pressure to “get it right” can leave you anxious, overwhelmed, and doubting yourself.
Here’s the truth:
Guilt often means you care deeply
Mistakes don’t make you a bad parent – they make you human
Therapy can help you understand and reframe these feelings
As a therapist supporting parents in Cork city, I help people break free from guilt, reconnect with their own needs, and enjoy parenting again.
Ready to feel like yourself again?
If you’re searching for parenting support Cork, talk therapy Cork, or just need a place to talk things through, I’m here to help.
Talk Therapy in Cork City: Supporting Adults, Teenagers and Professionals
Are you looking for a counsellor or psychotherapist in Cork city centre?
Whether you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, navigating a difficult period or need a space to talk things through, talk therapy can provide valuable support.
My name is Caroline Crotty and I am a psychology graduate and qualified psychotherapist offering confidential counselling and psychotherapy for adults and adolescents in the heart of Cork city. I also provide a supportive space for professionals and business owners seeking a sounding board for workplace stress, burnout or important life decisions.
What is Talk Therapy?
The word therapy covers talking therapies such as psychotherapy and counselling. Whether you are coming to therapy with a particular issue, a general sense of unease or a deeper search for purpose and meaning, therapy offers a safe, confidential place to talk to a trained professional about your feelings and concerns. Therapy can help you to see things from a different perspective, break free from old unhelpful patterns, heal past traumas and increase self-confidence.
Talk therapy allows you to explore your thoughts, feelings and behaviours in a private, non-judgemental environment. It can help you to:
Understand emotional patterns
Cope with anxiety, stress, or low mood
Build healthier relationships
Manage life transitions or personal challenges
Improve self-awareness and emotional regulation
Sessions are tailored to your specific needs and can be short-term or longer-term.
Why Choose Therapy in Cork City Centre?
My practice is located centrally, close to Patrick Street and the South Mall, making it easily accessible by foot or public transport.
I aim to respond to each person’s needs by offering flexible scheduling, including early morning appointments from 08:00 and evening sessions. I accommodate new appointments as soon as my diary allows, though not on the same day.
Therapy for Adults and Adolescents
I work with:
Teenagers with challenges such as exam stress, low self-confidence, family issues, or peer-related challenges
Adults who are feeling anxious, dealing with burnout, relationship issues or work-related stress
Whether you’re a parent concerned for your teen, or a person seeking support for yourself, talk therapy can provide the ideal place to process, heal and to grow.
Support for Professionals and Business Owners
Managing a business or holding a leadership role can be emotionally demanding. I offer a confidential, focused space to reflect on challenges, strengthen resilience and support you to make informed decisions.
This service may be particularly helpful if you are:
Experiencing high stress or feel they’re heading for burnout
Facing leadership or communication challenges or difficulties
Struggling with work-life boundaries
In need of an objective, professional sounding board
What to Expect
Each session is 50 minutes and takes place in a calm, private setting. As a psychology graduate my approach is grounded in evidence-based practice, and I work collaboratively (with you) to find what best supports your goals.
I have a deep understanding of the challenges in life that we can sometimes face and have worked both in the voluntary and the private sector. Working together I can help you find an in-depth understanding of yourself, of who you are and help you to resolve internal conflicts.
You’re welcome to attend an initial session to see if we’re a good fit. My fee for all appointments – whether online or in person – is €80.00.
Book an Appointment
If you’re looking for a counsellor, psychotherapist or talk therapist in Cork city centre – feel free to contact me to check appointment availability or to arrange an initial consultation.
Are you a parent in Cork city feeling anxious, stressed or simply not enjoying parenting the way you thought you might? Perhaps you’re searching for parenting support Cork, a therapist near me, or help with parenting stress in Cork city centre. If so, you’re in the right place.
Many parents feel overwhelmed at different stages of family life. The pressure to be the “perfect” parent, to juggle work, school runs, emotional demands, and your own mental health can feel like too much. If you’re feeling burnt out from parenting, asking for help is okay.
What is Parenting Stress?
Parenting stress is the emotional strain many parents experience as they try to meet the ever-changing needs of their children. It can look like:
Feeling anxious, irritable or emotionally drained
Losing patience with your child or partner
Not enjoying time with your family
Difficulty sleeping or switching off
If any of these sound familiar, know that you’re not alone. Many people search Google for phrases like talk therapy Cork, support for overwhelmed parents or counsellor for mums Cork and for good reason.
Why Seek Therapy?
As a qualified psychotherapist based in Cork city centre, I offer confidential counselling and psychotherapy for parents who are struggling. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, burnout, parenting guilt, or simply trying to figure out how to enjoy family life again, therapy can help.
Some parents reach out when they’re:
Struggling with a child’s behaviour or emotional difficulties
Feeling disconnected or resentful in the parenting role
Seeking support after a breakup or life change
Parenting is hard but it shouldn’t feel impossible.
How I Work with Parents
In our sessions, we create a calm, supportive space where you can speak freely and without judgement. As a psychology graduate with experience in both the voluntary and private sectors, I bring an understanding of the complexity of family life.
Therapy can help you:
Break free from unhelpful parenting patterns
Reconnect with your own needs and identity
Learn new ways to respond to parenting stress
Understand your emotional triggers
Rediscover joy in everyday family life
Book a Session
You don’t need to wait until you’re at breaking point – contact me to check appointment availability – email is the ideal way to reach me to arrange an initial appointment or to ask any questions:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a structured, evidence-based psychological treatment that has been shown to help with a wide range of difficulties, including depression, anxiety, stress, low self-esteem and relationship challenges.
Originally developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Dr Aaron T. Beck, CBT supports people in building practical skills to manage distressing thoughts, behaviours and emotions. Rather than focusing on short-term relief alone, CBT promotes long-term improvements in wellbeing. Over the years, contributions from clinicians such as Dr Judith Beck have helped refine and expand the approach globally.
At the heart of CBT is the understanding that our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and behaviours are interconnected. By identifying and changing unhelpful patterns, people can experience meaningful and lasting improvements in mental health and overall quality of life.
How CBT Can Help
CBT can support a wide range of everyday difficulties, including:
Low mood or lack of motivation You might feel flat, stuck or just not like yourself. CBT helps you notice unhelpful thinking patterns and gently shift them, while reconnecting with things that bring energy and meaning.
Overthinking and worry If your mind feels constantly busy or you’re always anticipating the worst, CBT offers tools to calm that mental noise and reduce overwhelm.
Stress and burnout Whether it’s work, family or life in general, CBT helps build healthier coping strategies, establish boundaries and restore a sense of control.
Confidence and self-esteem If you’re your own worst critic, CBT can help you challenge harsh self-judgements and build a more compassionate, balanced self-view.
Relationship or communication difficulties CBT can support you in recognising patterns, managing emotional triggers, and communicating more clearly in your personal or professional life.
General anxiety or unease Sometimes anxiety appears without a clear cause. CBT offers tools to manage physical symptoms and develop a greater sense of calm and stability.
What to Expect from CBT
CBT is always tailored to an individual’s specific needs and goals. Treatment typically lasts between 6 and 26 sessions, depending on the nature and severity of the issue. Sessions are structured, collaborative and goal-focused, with regular progress reviews. A key aim is to equip you with lifelong tools to manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviours beyond therapy.
While Cognitive Behavioural Therapy forms a strong foundation of my approach, I am not a strict CBT therapist. I also integrate elements of talking therapy to offer a warm, relational space that suits each person’s unique needs and preferences.
Appointments and Fees
As of January 2025, I offer both in-person and online CBT sessions. Each 50-minute appointment is €80.00
aking the First Step
If you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed or stuck in low mood, CBT offers evidence-based support and practical tools to help you regain your balance. Taking that first step can feel daunting but it’s often the most important one toward building a more fulfilling life.
If you’d like to book an initial consultation or ask a question, please feel free to get in touch. I offer counselling and psychotherapy in Cork city and online and I’d be happy to hear from you.
How Quitting Alcohol Can Ease Anxiety and Boost Clarity
A client this week mentioned that they’re doing “Dry February” not just for physical health but to help manage anxiety levels. This is an important point – reducing alcohol consumption isn’t just about feeling healthier, it’s about improving mental well-being, emotional stability and cognitive clarity.
How Alcohol Affects Anxiety and Mood
Alcohol is a depressant that impacts brain chemistry. While a drink may feel like it relieves stress in the moment, over time, it can make anxiety and sadness worse. Research shows that alcohol disrupts the balance of neurotransmitters like GABA and serotonin, both essential for mood regulation. This can lead to increased anxiety, disrupted sleep and lower mood and confidence (the opposite of why people often turn to alcohol!)
Increased anxiety, sometimes referred to as “rebound anxiety,” occurs when alcohol initially numbs stress but then wears off, causing the brain to overcompensate and heighten anxiety the following day. Sleep is also affected, as alcohol reduces REM sleep, which is essential for emotional processing and cognitive function. Over time, alcohol can deplete serotonin levels, leading to low mood, irritability and decreased self-confidence.
The Benefits of Going Alcohol-Free for Mental Health
Many people notice a positive shift in their mental state when they stop drinking alcohol, even for a short time. Without alcohol, the nervous system stabilises, reducing panic-like symptoms and emotional fluctuations. Alcohol-free periods are linked to higher serotonin levels, promoting emotional stability. Thinking becomes clearer, as alcohol impairs memory and focus and taking a break can enhance problem-solving and productivity.
Social confidence can also improve. While alcohol is often used to ease social anxiety, it can reduce self-confidence in the long term and increase self-criticism. Avoiding alcohol allows people to develop genuine confidence and social ease without relying on substances.
It’s never too late to make positive, healthy changes. Quitting alcohol, even temporarily, can reduce anxiety, improve mood and enhance overall cognitive function. For those struggling with stress, taking a break from drinking isn’t just a health choice, it’s a mental wellness strategy. Trying a month without alcohol may provide unexpected benefits, from better emotional balance to clearer thinking and improved confidence.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Simplify Life: Razors
Psychological and Philosophical Razors: Simplifying Life’s Complexities
In psychology and philosophy, “razors” are principles or mental shortcuts designed to simplify our decisions and explanations. While they originated in philosophy, many razors are relevant to human behaviour, helping us think critically, navigate uncertainty and improve relationships.
Razors are practical tools that clarify and guide our decisions and interactions. They offer clear rules of thumb to cut through overthinking, focus on what matters and simplify the complexities of life.
Here’s how some key razors influence how we live:
Occam’s Razor is the principle that the simplest explanation is usually the best. It’s a wonderful tool for understanding behaviour. For instance, if someone seems anxious, the simplest explanation might be that they’re dealing with a stressful life event rather than assuming a more complex explanation. When my car won’t start, Occam’s Razor suggests it’s likely the battery, not engine failure. This razor reminds us to seek simple, likely answers (rather than overcomplicating things).
The Golden Razor encourages us to live by the principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s an ideal rule for relationships or therapy because it highlights the importance of empathy and fairness. Whether navigating a conflict or supporting someone struggling, treating others with kindness nurtures harmony and improves mental health.
Hanlon’s Razor is a favourite of mine! It advises never to attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance or incompetence. This razor has been a lifesaver for me in interpreting behaviour. For example, if someone forgets your birthday, it’s more likely they’re busy/distracted than intentionally uncaring. Hanlon’s Razor can transform how we view others by reducing hostility and fostering understanding.
Hitchens’s Razor sharpens critical thinking with its principle: “What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.” I love how this razor encourages scepticism and rationality. For example, if someone claims they’re the Queen of Sheba without evidence, the claim holds no weight. Using Hitchens’s Razor helps us challenge unsupported beliefs and rethink assumptions.
Grice’s Razor is a great communication tool. It advises us to take others at their word without overthinking their motives or feelings. If someone says, “I’ll be late,” Grice’s Razor reminds us not to overthink the why/reasons, like assuming avoidance/anger – and accept they’re just running late. It’s a wonderful way to reduce tension and foster clearer understanding.
Parkinson’s Law of Trivialityhighlights our tendency to focus on minor details to avoid bigger, more challenging tasks. When I find myself cleaning instead of working on a college assignment, it shows I’m procrastinating! Recognising this behaviour can help us redirect energy towards what really matters.
Hume’s Guillotine reminds us that just because something exists doesn’t mean it should. Stress, for example, is a natural response, but it doesn’t mean we should live with chronic stress – that calls for intervention. Similarly, interruptions at work don’t need to be passively accepted – many can be addressed and improved.
Razors, whether philosophical or psychological, aren’t just abstract concepts. They’re tools for simplifying decisions and fostering better relationships. For me, they’re invaluable in finding balance.and I hope you find them helpful too!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Conflict Resolution
The Psychology of Conflict Resolution
Conflict is inevitable in human interaction, whether in personal relationships, workplaces or social settings. Understanding the psychological underpinnings of conflicts can help us manage them more effectively, transforming potential stressors into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. At the heart of most conflicts lie three key psychological factors: ego, defensiveness, and vulnerability. Depending on how these factors are navigated, they can escalate disputes or serve as pathways to resolution.
Ego: The Invisible Wall in Conflict
The ego is the part of our psyche that craves validation and self-preservation. It often acts as a barrier during conflicts, preventing us from acknowledging our role in disagreements. The ego resists admitting fault or compromise because doing so may feel like a threat to our identity or self-worth.
For example, in a workplace dispute, one colleague might feel overshadowed by another’s success. Instead of directly addressing feelings of inadequacy, the ego might push them to criticise their colleague’s methods or intentions. This defensive posture creates an environment where resolution becomes difficult, as neither party feels heard or understood.
Defensiveness: The Armour That Escalates
Defensiveness is a natural response to perceived threats but can quickly escalate conflicts. When we feel attacked—intentionally or not—we often respond by deflecting blame or counterattacking. This creates a cycle where both parties become entrenched in their positions, making resolution elusive.
For instance, in a personal relationship, one partner might respond to feedback with: “Well, you do the same thing!” This shifts the focus away from the issue at hand and onto the other person’s flaws, intensifying the conflict instead of resolving it.
Vulnerability: The Bridge to Resolution
While ego and defensiveness fuel conflict, vulnerability can diffuse it. Being vulnerable means setting aside the need to appear perfect or invulnerable and acknowledging emotions and responsibilities. Vulnerability fosters empathy and opens the door to genuine dialogue.
For example, in a disagreement between friends where one feels neglected, the other might respond: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve been caught up in work and haven’t been as present as I’d like. Let’s talk about how I can do better.” This approach invites collaboration and mutual understanding, paving the way for resolution.
Strategies for Conflict Resolution
To navigate conflicts constructively, it’s essential to address these psychological factors with intention. Here are actionable strategies to guide the process:
Pause and Reflect:
Take a step back when tensions rise. Reflect on your emotions and motivations before responding. Ask yourself, “Is my ego driving this reaction? Am I being defensive?” This self-awareness can help you approach the situation with greater clarity.
Own It:
Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Admitting mistakes or acknowledging the other person’s perspective demonstrates maturity and can disarm defensiveness in the other party. Use statements like: “I see how I may have contributed to this situation.”
Practice Active Listening:
Focus on hearing the other person’s concerns without interrupting or planning your response. Paraphrase their points to show understanding and validate their feelings: “It sounds like you’re upset because you felt excluded. Is that right?”
Express Vulnerability:
Share your emotions honestly and constructively. Instead of blaming, use “I” statements to convey your feelings: “I felt hurt when our plans were cancelled without telling me because it made me feel unimportant.”
Collaborate on Solutions:
Shift the focus from assigning blame to finding solutions. Ask open-ended questions like: “What can we do to prevent this from happening again?” or “How can we move forward?” This fosters a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility.
Real-Life – Workplace Conflict
Consider a scenario where two team members disagree over the division of responsibilities for a project. One person feels overwhelmed, believing the other isn’t pulling their weight, while the other feels micromanaged. If both approach the conflict defensively, the situation may escalate:
Overwhelmed work colleague: “You’re always complaining!” Micromanaged work colleague: “You never appreciate my efforts!”
However, introducing vulnerability can shift the dynamic:
Overwhelmed work colleague: “I’m feeling stressed because I’m taking on more than I can handle. Can we revisit how we’ve divided the tasks?” Micromanaged work colleague: “I didn’t realise you felt this way. I’ve hesitated to take the initiative because I wasn’t sure I was trusted to handle it.”
By addressing feelings openly and collaborating on solutions, the team mates can rebuild trust and create a more balanced dynamic.
Resolving conflicts requires navigating the interplay of ego, defensiveness, and vulnerability with care and intention. By fostering self-awareness, embracing vulnerability, and focusing on constructive dialogue, we can transform conflicts into opportunities for connection and growth. The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, remember that the path to resolution often begins with understanding yourself and the other person.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Secure Attachment
Secure Attachment: Building Healthy Relationships with Attachment Theory (6)
Understanding secure attachment is essential for fostering trust, emotional intimacy, and resilience in relationships. Attachment theory provides valuable insight into how early experiences shape how we connect with others. By developing a secure attachment style, we can create more fulfilling relationships and enhance our emotional well-being.
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is the ability to form stable, trusting and emotionally fulfilling relationships. This attachment style often begins in early childhood when caregivers are consistently responsive, emotionally available, responsive and supportive. These caregivers provide a reliable base, enabling children to explore the world with a sense of safety and value.
The Role of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory explains how early caregiving experiences influence emotional and relational patterns in adulthood. When children feel confident their needs will be met and their emotions and feelings validated, they develop secure attachments. This foundation allows individuals to form strong, healthy bonds later in life. Adults with secure attachment styles demonstrate emotional regulation, trust, and resilience – attributes that create a framework for meaningful connections and personal growth.
Characteristics of Secure Attachment
Securely attached individuals exhibit emotional stability and relational confidence. They manage their emotions effectively, navigate conflicts constructively and foster mutual trust. Their strong sense of self-worth enables them to thrive independently and within relationships. They respect boundaries, ensuring that these boundaries promote mutual respect and autonomy.
Relationships with Securely Attached Individuals
Being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style often feels supportive and nurturing. These individuals communicate openly, express affection comfortably and respond empathetically to their partner’s needs. They approach conflict collaboratively, aiming for resolution rather than avoidance or escalation. Their relationships are defined by emotional closeness, honesty and a dependable source of support.
The Benefits of Secure Attachment
Secure attachment extends its benefits beyond relationships. People with this attachment style often enjoy greater life satisfaction, emotional resilience and lower stress levels. They are better equipped to handle challenges and maintain a positive outlook. Their ability to balance intimacy and independence fosters deeper, more fulfilling connections in both personal and professional settings.
Developing Secure Attachment
While secure attachment often originates in childhood, it is important to note that attachment styles can evolve over time. Developing secure attachment requires intentional effort, self-awareness and support. Therapy offers a safe space to explore past experiences, process emotions, feelings and reactions and cultivate healthier relational patterns. Building trust through relationships with emotionally available individuals helps create a sense of safety. Practising self-compassion reinforces a positive self-image, reducing reliance on external validation. Open communication further strengthens emotional intimacy and fosters deeper connections.
Building Secure Connections: A Practical Example
Consider a couple where both partners feel safe expressing their emotions, trusting they will be heard, listened to and supported in what they explain and say. This mutual trust is the hallmark of secure attachment. Small gestures, like acknowledging one’s feelings or listening with empathy, can nurture this connection. For instance, saying, “I felt anxious earlier, and I appreciate your understanding,” can deepen trust and foster emotional closeness and further openness.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Embracing the principles of secure attachment allows individuals to create more fulfilling relationships while fostering more profound self-confidence and emotional resilience. With effort, support and a commitment to personal growth, the journey toward secure attachment transforms connections with others and one’s sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.
Conclusion
Secure attachment is the foundation of healthy relationships. It provides emotional stability, trust and mutual support, creating a framework for personal and relational growth. Understanding attachment theory and working toward secure attachment can transform our connections with others and enhance our overall well-being.
For more insights on attachment theory and emotional growth, visit this blog post
: www.carolinecrotty.ie
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Break the Cycle (5)
As many know, I work one-on-one with adolescents and adults, offering online and in-person therapy. My work fills me with purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy rather than Sunday night dread. Thanks to a good friend who encouraged me to pursue a counselling and psychotherapy course y I found this path, and I’ll always be thankful to JQ.
Working in therapy is a privilege. I’m invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life. Or an expert at all! I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask thoughtful questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. And truthfully, I learn just as much from my clients/patients as they do from me. Each day offers new insights, whether factual or simply fascinating.
In therapy, family dynamics often arise as a significant theme. Many people have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. For others, strained or unconventional family relationships shape their worldview and emotional responses. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold potential for deep healing and growth. If repairing family ties is impossible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can bring similar support.
Lately, I’ve noticed a growing interest in attachment styles among my clients, many of whom have explored online resources to better understand their relationship dynamics. They are curious about how childhood experiences shaped their current approach to intimacy, trust/mistrust and conflict. Some wonder why they feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away. Relationships, while fulfilling, can also be profoundly complex and, at times, frustrating. When someone hasn’t experienced consistent love or reassurance in childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can be and feel quite daunting. This is where therapy can help – it provides a safe, objective space to explore various patterns and work towards meaningful change.
Attachment styles help us make sense of our patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness and balanced dependence. People with secure attachments thrive in relationships and also independently. They can regulate their emotions, maintain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many of us aspire to secure attachment.
This post focuses on fearful-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganised attachment. This attachment style is particularly complex because it’s paradoxical. People with this pattern crave intimacy and connection but also fear and distrust it. This inner conflict often creates a push-pull dynamic: “I want you close; now you’re too close; too much for me; now I need you again…” Such cycles make it difficult to establish stability or trust in relationships.
Understanding Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment often develops from early experiences of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. These experiences leave lasting imprints, including difficulty trusting others and a fear of vulnerability. People with this attachment style can struggle to express their needs, fearing rejection or criticism. As a result, needs frequently go unmet, reinforcing feelings of loneliness and unworthiness (yet again, further contradiction).
Emotionally, fearful-avoidant individuals may experience heightened anxiety, mood swings, and difficulty regulating emotions. Cognitively, they might internalise feelings of inadequacy, believing they are undeserving of love or support. These beliefs can lead to behaviours that distance them from others, perpetuating a cycle of isolation and mistrust.
Breaking the Cycle: Towards Healing and Growth
While living with fearful-avoidant attachment presents challenges, it’s important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed. People can move towards a more secure attachment style with self-awareness, support, and intentional effort.
Therapy offers a safe and structured environment to explore the origins of fearful-avoidant attachment. Trauma-informed approaches can help individuals process unresolved feelings, develop healthier relational patterns, and learn to trust others. Through therapy, clients gain the tools to articulate their needs and explore boundaries that foster safety and connection.
Mindfulness and journaling are valuable practices for enhancing emotional awareness. These tools help people identify triggers and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Building trust through small, low-stakes interactions reinforces the idea that relationships can be safe and supportive.
Surrounding oneself with emotionally available and consistent people is equally crucial. Healthy relationships provide reassurance that intimacy does not have to equate to pain or rejection. Setting and respecting boundaries within relationships creates a sense of control and emotional safety, allowing people to engage without feeling overwhelmed.
Practising open communication strengthens relationships further. Small statements like “I felt anxious when…” or “I appreciate your support” can foster more profound understanding and emotional intimacy. Self-compassion also plays a pivotal role in breaking the cycle of fearful-avoidant attachment. People can counteract feelings of shame and self-criticism by treating themselves with kindness and recognising that healing is a process. Accepting slow progress is vital. This is not as simple as reading a book and being securely attached. . . .if only it were that easy!
Moving Forward
Awareness of relational patterns is the first step towards making changes. By recognising tendencies to withdraw or cling, people can pause, reflect and choose new responses that align with their goals. Progress may be gradual, but each tiny baby step in the right direction – whether it’s opening up to someone or managing emotions more effectively – is worth celebrating. They’re the little wins that keep us motivated to continue forward.
Breaking the cycle of fearful-avoidant attachment is not easy, but it’s possible. We can all shift towards secure attachment with professional guidance, supportive relationships, and a commitment to self-care. This transformation improves relationships and fosters a deeper sense of self-worth and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
References
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Publications.
Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganised/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant Attachment: The Challenge of Independence and Trust (4)
Avoidant attachment is one of the primary attachment styles identified in attachment theory. It often emerges as a response to emotionally distant caregiving during early childhood. When caregivers consistently fail to meet a child’s emotional needs, dismiss their expressions of distress, or withhold comfort, the child adapts by suppressing emotions and prioritizing self-reliance over connection.
This attachment style leads people to value independence and self-sufficiency, often viewing vulnerability as a potential weakness. These tendencies stem from early experiences that taught them that relying on others could result in disappointment or rejection. As a result, they develop a “do-it-yourself” mindset, finding it challenging to seek or accept emotional support from others.
Avoidance of Vulnerability and Intimacy
A defining characteristic of avoidant attachment is the struggle with vulnerability and emotional closeness. Although individuals with this attachment style may desire relationships, they often find it difficult to fully open up or trust others. Deep emotional conversations or expressions of feelings may feel uncomfortable, leading them to focus instead on practical or surface-level topics. This behavior often serves as a defense mechanism, protecting them from the pain of potential rejection or emotional neglect.
In relationships, avoidantly attached individuals may appear emotionally distant or aloof. They might shy away from intimate moments, withdraw when their partner seeks closeness, or prioritize personal space over shared experiences. These behaviors, while protective in nature, can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of neglect from their partners, who may interpret the actions as disinterest or a lack of care.
The Role of Trust in Avoidant Attachment
Trust poses a significant challenge for those with avoidant attachment. Their early experiences may have instilled a belief that others are unreliable or incapable of meeting emotional needs. This creates difficulty in fully investing in relationships, as they often anticipate disappointment or betrayal. Even in healthy relationships, they may unconsciously create distance as a way of maintaining emotional safety.
Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance
Avoidant attachment is not a fixed trait. With self-awareness and effort, individuals can begin to build healthier, more secure relationships. Therapy offers a safe space to explore fears of intimacy, uncover the underlying beliefs driving avoidance and develop strategies for fostering trust and emotional connection.
Practices such as mindfulness and journaling can help individuals identify suppressed emotions and understand how past experiences influence their present behaviors. Gradual, low-stakes interactions with others can build trust and confidence in the reliability and supportiveness of relationships.
Embracing Vulnerability
Learning to embrace vulnerability can be a transformative experience for those with avoidant attachment. It doesn’t mean abandoning independence but rather finding a balance between self-reliance and emotional connection. Opening up in small, manageable ways—such as sharing a personal story, expressing gratitude, or asking for help—can help them experience the benefits of emotional intimacy and mutual support.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Breaking free from avoidant attachment patterns requires patience, self-awareness and consistent effort. Surrounding oneself with emotionally available and supportive people can provide the safety needed to practice vulnerability and trust. Over time, these positive experiences can reshape beliefs about relationships, paving the way for a more secure attachment style.
Avoidant attachment is a natural response to early emotional neglect, but it doesn’t have to define the future. With intentional growth, support and a willingness to embrace connection, individuals with this attachment style can build deeper relationships and experience the emotional fulfillment they deserve.
For further insights on attachment theory and personal growth, explore additional resources on this site.
Understanding how anxious attachment influences relationships is essential for fostering personal growth, emotional resilience and healthy connections. Anxious attachment, rooted in early childhood experiences, shapes how we approach intimacy, trust and communication. With insight and intentional effort, individuals can work toward more secure and fulfilling relationships.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is characterised by a deep fear of abandonment and an intense need for closeness and reassurance. This attachment style often develops in response to inconsistent caregiving during childhood. When care and affection are unpredictable, individuals may grow to expect rejection or inconsistency, fostering a heightened sensitivity to relational dynamics and a persistent need for validation.
Characteristics of Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment often exhibit emotional patterns such as a fear of being left or unloved, an intense craving for reassurance and hyper-vigilance regarding their partner’s actions and moods. They may struggle to regulate emotions, often feeling overwhelmed by jealousy, anxiety, or neediness. These tendencies, while challenging, stem from a deep capacity for emotional connection and the desire for intimacy.
How Anxious Attachment Affects Relationships
Anxious attachment can create cycles of seeking closeness while simultaneously fearing rejection. These patterns may lead to misunderstandings or strain in relationships, as the need for reassurance can be misinterpreted as clinginess. This dynamic can cause frustration or distance between partners. However, with understanding and clear communication, individuals with anxious attachment can foster meaningful and connected relationships.
Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Anxious Attachment
Addressing anxious attachment begins with self-awareness and a commitment to growth. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore past experiences, process emotions and identify attachment-related patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, help individuals manage emotional reactions and increase self-awareness. Building self-worth through affirmations and self-compassion reduces reliance on external validation and empowers individuals to feel more secure. Clear, open communication with partners fosters mutual understanding and trust, paving the way for a healthier relational dynamic.
The Path Towards Secure Relationships
Healing anxious attachment is possible with patience, self-compassion and intentional growth. By understanding its roots and challenges, individuals can create stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Therapy, mindfulness practices and supportive connections are valuable tools for transforming the fear of abandonment into a foundation of trust and emotional stability.
Why It Matters
Recognising and addressing anxious attachment can improve emotional regulation, strengthen relationships and build self-worth. As trust and intimacy deepen, individuals often experience reduced anxiety and increased confidence in their relational abilities. The journey toward secure attachment transforms both personal connections and overall emotional well-being.
Take the First Step Today
Anxious attachment offers both challenges and opportunities for growth. You can move toward a more secure attachment style by embracing self-awareness and fostering supportive relationships. If this resonates with you, explore our additional resources or contact us for professional guidance. Together, we can help you unlock the potential for balanced, meaningful relationships.
For more insights on attachment theory and emotional health, visit the blog at www.carolinecrotty.ie
Attachment Styles
Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Self-Discovery (2)
Google has made access to information astonishingly easy. While not all of the information is accurate or from reputable sources, it’s evident that we live in a world with knowledge at our fingertips – literally. In my experience, there’s recently been a surge of interest in attachment styles and how they shape romantic relationships. It’s tempting to trace everything back to our parents and assign blame for who we are today. However, at some point, we must take responsibility for our own growth, learning how to understand and manage our reactions.
Attachment styles are a cornerstone of psychology, offering valuable insights into how we connect and relate to others. Rooted in early childhood experiences with our caregivers, these patterns shape our adult relationships, influencing how we approach intimacy, handle conflict, and express our wants/needs/desires.
Understanding our attachment style can be a transformative step towards greater self-awareness and personal growth.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory identifies four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These styles are shaped by the responsiveness and consistency of caregiving in childhood. Click on the links to read more about the four attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment: Inconsistent caregiving can lead to this style, where adults crave closeness but fear rejection, often resulting in insecurity or over-dependence.
Avoidant Attachment: Emotionally distant caregiving may foster this style, where individuals value independence but struggle with vulnerability and trust.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Often linked to trauma or neglect, this style combines anxious and avoidant traits. Adults with this style may desire connection yet fear intimacy, creating a push-pull relationship dynamic.
Secure Attachment: This develops from reliable and loving caregiving. Adults with this style often trust easily, communicate openly and balance intimacy with independence.
Why Understanding Attachment Styles Matters
Our attachment style significantly shapes our emotions, behaviours and dynamics within our relationships. Recognising the influence of attachment can lead to profound changes in how we relate to others and ourselves.
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand how our past experiences influence our current relationships.
Improve Communication: Learn to identify and express our needs clearly and explicitly.
Develop Healthier Relationships: Address limiting behaviours and build trust.
Foster Personal Growth: Break cycles of insecurity or avoidance that hold us back.
Even small insights can make a difference to us and our relationships. For instance, understanding the spotlight effect, which is the tendency to overestimate how much others notice or judge our actions, can help alleviate insecurities tied to attachment anxiety. There’s a post about the spotlight effect here.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
The lovely news is that attachment styles are not fixed. We can move towards a secure attachment style with effort, intention, and the right tools. We are not cast in stone. It won’t happen overnight, but change is possible. Therapy is one of the most effective pathways for unpacking unresolved emotions and building healthier relational patterns. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling, can enhance emotional regulation, helping to manage our responses in challenging situations. Building secure connections with supportive, trustworthy people can provide a model for healthier relationships. Regular self-reflection is also essential – examining our relational behaviours and beliefs allows us to identify what needs to change. However, insight alone isn’t enough; action is key. Awareness without effort is a missed opportunity for growth.
Practical Tips for Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Self-awareness and consistent effort can guide you toward healthier connections. Reflect on how your early experiences influenced your relationships today. Practice open and honest communication with loved ones, challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with balanced perspectives. Learn to set and respect boundaries, ensuring that your and others’ needs are harmonised. Seek professional guidance if unresolved trauma or recurring issues continue to affect your relationships.
Surround yourself with emotionally available and supportive individuals who model the connections you want to foster. Finally, prioritise self-care to maintain emotional stability—including activities like regular exercise, adequate sleep, or hobbies that bring you joy and peace.
No Labels, Just Awareness!
Understanding your attachment style is not about labelling yourself or labelling others. It’s about recognising patterns and taking actionable steps toward forming healthier connections. With awareness and intention, you can transform how you relate to others and, more importantly, how you relate to yourself.
Further Reading
For those keen to explore further into attachment styles, here are some resources to explore:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen
Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson
Becoming Attached by Robert Karen
Each offers tools and insights for understanding attachment and fostering personal growth.
For more on related topics, check out the blog post here.
Take the First Step Today
You may reflect on your attachment style and consider how it has shaped your current and past connections and relationships. Personal growth and introspection is a lifelong journey. Every little step towards self-knowledge counts as progress in life. By embracing your awareness of self, introspection and taking intentional actions, you can create (and improve) relationships so they are healthier, more fulfilling, and grounded in trust and connection.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Attachment Intro
Attachment Intro (1)
As many know, I work with adolescents and adults, offering in-person and online therapy (I prefer to work online only with adults). My work fills me with a profound sense of purpose and gratitude. I am fortunate to have a career that brings me joy instead of the Sunday night dread many describe. I’ll always be indebted to my friend JQ, who encouraged me to pursue the counselling and psychotherapy course that led me here.
My work is a privilege. Each day, I am invited into people’s inner worlds as they navigate challenges, uncover strengths, and make sense of their lives. However, I never claim to be an expert on anyone else’s life – or an expert in any sense. I’m not a medic or a guru. My role is to listen, ask reasoned questions and help people untangle the complexities of their minds and experiences. In truth, I learn as much from my clients as they (hopefully) learn from me. Each session offers new insights – sometimes factual, other times fascinating.
Family Dynamics and Their Impact
Family dynamics frequently emerge as a central theme in therapy. Many of my clients have experienced adoption, foster care, or the ripple effects of intergenerational trauma. Others grapple with strained or unconventional family relationships that profoundly shape their emotional responses and worldviews. While family connections can be messy and challenging, they also hold immense potential for healing and growth. When repairing family ties isn’t possible, forming new, meaningful bonds with friends can provide the same sense of support and connection.
A Growing Interest in Attachment Styles
Recently, many of my clients have shown a keen interest in attachment styles. They’ve explored online resources to better understand their relationships and how childhood experiences have shaped their approaches to intimacy, trust and conflict. Some feel stuck in patterns of pursuing closeness while simultaneously pushing partners away, a dynamic that can leave them feeling confused and frustrated, which is why they end up in a room with me – to try to make sense of it all.
Relationships, while deeply rewarding, can be complex and sometimes overwhelming. For individuals who haven’t experienced consistent love or reassurance during childhood, forming healthy attachments as an adult can feel daunting. There are various attachment types. This is not a new discovery and has been exmined by John Bowlby in the 1950s and Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s theories with the “Strange Situation” experiments conducted in the 1970s. Mary Main and others in the 1980s further refined attachment theory by introducing disorganised attachment, expanding its application to include adult attachment and the intergenerational transmission of attachment styles. So, there is much to know. It’s not exactly new, but as humans, we like to know the ‘why’!
I’ve written about four attachment styles in general here. This is where therapy provides a safe and objective space to explore these patterns, improve communication, and work toward meaningful change.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding our relational patterns. Secure attachment, often seen as the ideal, is characterised by honesty, emotional closeness, and balanced interdependence.
Secure attachment is formed in early childhood through consistent, emotionally available caregiving. When caregivers respond reliably to a child’s needs, provide comfort, and encourage exploration, the child develops a sense of safety and trust. This foundation fosters emotional regulation, resilience and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships later in life. Secure attachment emerges from predictable, supportive interactions that teach the child they are valued and their needs will be met. Individuals with secure attachment thrive in relationships while maintaining independence. They regulate emotions effectively, sustain self-confidence and support their partners’ growth. It’s no wonder so many aspire to cultivate this style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma, abuse, or neglect, where caregivers are both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal conflict about seeking connection. Without consistent emotional safety, the child grows up with patterns of fear, mistrust, and push-pull dynamics in relationships.
In adulthood, this attachment style is paradoxical. People crave intimacy but simultaneously fear and distrust it, creating cycles of closeness and withdrawal: “I need you… Now you’re too much… I need space… Wait, I want you again.” These cycles make it challenging to establish stability and trust in relationships.
Anxious attachment often begins in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A child may experience love and attention at times but be ignored or dismissed at other times. This unpredictability fosters insecurity, making the child hyperaware of relationships and deeply fearful of abandonment – a pattern that often persists into adulthood.
Adults with anxious attachment frequently fear rejection and seek constant reassurance. They may struggle with self-worth and rely on their partners for validation, often becoming preoccupied with their partner’s emotions or behaviours. This hypervigilance can create cycles of insecurity and strain in relationships, even though their deep capacity for connection is a strength.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Vulnerability
Avoidant attachment can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive. Children suppress their emotions and build self-reliance to protect themselves from rejection or unmet needs. This pattern often translates into an aversion to vulnerability in adulthood. Adults with avoidant attachment strongly emphasise independence, often at the expense of emotional intimacy. While they may desire connection, their fear of dependence or being hurt leads them to create emotional distance. This self-protective behaviour can leave partners feeling neglected or unloved, even when care exists.
The Path to Change
While attachment styles often originate in childhood, they are not fixed. Individuals can move toward a secure attachment style with awareness, effort, and support. Therapy offers a safe environment to explore and challenge these patterns, helping people navigate relationships with greater confidence and emotional resilience.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
A New Year
Breaking Free: Forgiving Yourself, Letting Go and Moving Forward
A Fresh Start for the New Year
The beginning of a new year brings a unique opportunity for reflection, renewal and recommitment to yourself. It’s a time to release the past year’s mistakes, regrets and challenges – especially those that linger in your mind. Whether they involve relationships, finances, self-discipline, or personal struggles, now is the time to embrace hope, self-care and fresh possibilities. This transition into 2025 encourages you to create positive habits, focus on manageable self-care routines and build momentum for lasting meaningful change.
The Power of Self-Forgiveness
Mistakes are a natural part of life, shaping who we are and teaching valuable lessons. Yet, the weight of past mistakes often holds us back, overshadowing joy and progress. Self-forgiveness is essential for moving forward. It starts with acknowledging your mistake, facing it with honesty, and understanding that it doesn’t define your self-worth. Mistakes are part of being human, not a reflection of your value. Every human has made mistakes. It is part of being human, not a reflection of your value.
Turning Mistakes into Lessons
Mistakes can become powerful tools for growth if we reflect on them. By examining what went wrong and identifying the circumstances that led to it, we can make better choices in the future. This transformation – from failure to opportunity for learning – allows you to approach the new year with confidence and clarity.
Letting Go of the Past
Once you’ve taken responsibility, learned from your mistakes, and embraced self-forgiveness, it’s time to let go. Holding onto guilt and shame only keeps you stuck in the past. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, it means releasing the hold your mistakes have on you. Techniques like journaling, mindfulness, or visualising the weight being lifted can help anchor you in the present and propel you into the new year with hope and purpose.
Building Positive Habits
To avoid repeating past mistakes, focus on creating habits that align with your values. Address patterns that contributed to challenges and surround yourself with supportive, encouraging people. Small, consistent actions are the foundation for lasting change. Each step forward strengthens your commitment to personal growth and sets the tone for a fulfilling year.
Reframing Guilt and Shame
Guilt can motivate change, but prolonged guilt and shame are destructive. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, take the learning. Practice self-compassion, replacing self-criticism with kindness. Remind yourself of your progress and the potential the new year holds. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend in a similar situation – you deserve it.
Looking to the Future
Focusing on the opportunities ahead shifts your energy from regret to purpose. Set intentions for the new year and take small, meaningful steps toward your goals. Each action builds momentum, enabling you to create a fulfilling and empowered life. Mistakes are part of the past, and they don’t have to dictate your future.
Seeking Support When Needed
If the weight of past mistakes feels overwhelming, seeking support from a therapist can be transformative. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental place where you can explore emotions, process the past and find healthy ways to move forward. The right therapist will have heard it all before – it’s hard to shock us! Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and a step towards freedom from the weight of carrying history.
A Year of Growth and Renewal
The new year offers an opportunity to release the burdens of the past and step into a brighter, more compassionate future. Mistakes are not part of you – they shape you, but they are not who you are. Each bump in the road carries the potential to make you stronger, wiser and more understanding. You can create a year of healing and thrive by practising self-forgiveness, learning from your experiences, and focusing on personal growth.
Take one small step today. Write a positive intention, speak a kind word to yourself, or allow yourself to let go of the mental replay of a past mistake, even for just an hour. Start small, stay consistent, and give yourself permission to move forward. You deserve to live a life free from the weight of guilt and full of hope and possibility.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
50 Lessons for 2025
50 Lessons for 2025
Whenever I hear the word “lesson,” it might bring to mind school homework but here, it takes on a different meaning. The lessons in this collection are about learning from the following suggestions and gaining new insights that can shape your perspective and behaviour.
This set of 50 lessons is designed to inspire growth, cultivate balance and help you thrive across all areas of life – personal development, health, relationships and financial wellbeing. Each reminder gently nudges you towards living with purpose and intention, offering practical steps to embrace change, nurture self-care and build meaningful connections. Let these lessons guide you to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life ahead.
Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Prioritise progress over perfection.
Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
Celebrate little wins because they lead to more significant victories.
Replace comparison with self-reflection and introspection.
Set realistic and actionable goals.
Invest in lifelong learning – read, undertake courses and be curious.
Let go of toxic relationships that drain your energy.
Spend time in nature – it’s therapeutic.
Focus on whatever you can control; let go of whatever you cannot.
Create a self-care routine and stick to it regardless.
Safeguard Relationships
Surround yourself with people who are easy to be with and inspire you.
Practice active listening in all conversations.
Express gratitude to those you care about (tell them).
Apologise whenever you are wrong; humility strengthens relationships.
Set boundaries to protect your time and energy.
Remember that it’s okay to outgrow people.
Be the friend you wish to have.
Share your time, not just material gifts, with loved ones.
Avoid assumptions; ask questions instead.
Acknowledge and celebrate others’ successes.
Improve Health and Fitness
Move your body daily, even if it’s just a short, quick walk.
Stay hydrated with water – it’s simple but transformative.
Prioritise sleep; it’s foundational to good health.
Eat for nourishment and nurturing, not convenience.
Find a form of exercise you enjoy and do it!
Limit screen time, particularly before bed.
Undertake regular health check-ups.
Pay attention to your body and rest when needed. Move as often as you can.
Limit alcohol and processed foods.
Make stretching or yoga a daily practice in 2025
Develop Financial Literacy
Create a budget, then stick to it.
Try to save a percentage of your income.
Pay off high-interest debt as quickly as possible.
Learn to distinguish between needs and wants.
Invest in experiences, not stuff.
Build an emergency fund for unexpected events.
Avoid comparing your financial situation to others. (Avoid comparing your anything with anyone else’s).
Become financially literate – teach yourself about personal finance and investing.
Plan for long-term goals. Think about your retirement or a dream purchase.
Donate and/or volunteer to causes that align with your values.
These reminders can guide you towards a healthier, happier and more purposeful year ahead. Which resonates most with you? Which will you put into practice today?
Wishing you joy, love, please, health and great contentment this year.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Clinical Burnout
Burnout: A Clinical Perspective
Burnout: More Than Just a Buzzword
I was recently discussing ‘burnout,’ and the person I was speaking with mentioned that the term seems to be used far too loosely these days. He observed that people say they’re experiencing burnout when busy at work or feeling worn out after Christmas parties. This casual use of the term caught my attention because, in my practice, I use ‘burnout’ in a clinical sense. When people come to me with burnout, they’re often signed off work by their GP and face a long and challenging road to recovery. While it’s valuable that awareness of stress is increasing, it’s crucial to recognise that true clinical burnout is far more serious than general exhaustion.
What Burnout Really Means
Burnout is a medical and clinical condition with serious implications for mental and physical health. Clinical burnout, as defined by the World Health Organisation (WHO), is a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three core features: persistent feelings of emotional and physical exhaustion, a sense of detachment or cynicism towards one’s job and a reduced ability to perform effectively. Unlike general fatigue, clinical burnout develops over time and does not simply disappear after a good night’s sleep or a short break. It requires careful attention and often structured intervention to address.
Overuse of the Term “Burnout”
Although the term ‘burnout’ is now used rather casually to describe being overworked or tired, these experiences don’t align with the clinical definition. While the casual use of the term reflects a growing awareness of stress, it can dilute the seriousness of burnout. This overuse may make it harder for people experiencing clinical burnout to be recognised and supported. Importantly, burnout in its clinical sense is not a sign of personal weakness or failure but rather the result of systemic issues such as chronic stress, excessive workloads, lack of support and environments that fail to prioritise employee well-being.
Far-Reaching Symptoms of Burnout
Clinical burnout develops when workplace stress becomes unmanageable and unrelenting. It often arises in environments with excessive demands, little autonomy, inadequate support, or a mismatch between personal values and organisational culture. These factors combine over time, eroding resilience and making recovery increasingly difficult. Unlike occasional stress, which can sometimes be motivating, burnout represents a prolonged and harmful state that affects both mental and physical health.
The symptoms of burnout are far-reaching and can impact every aspect of everyday life. Emotionally, people may feel drained, irritable or even hopeless. Cognitively, people may struggle to focus or with decision-making or memory, which can add to feelings of frustration. Physically, symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches and sleep disturbances often emerge. Behaviourally, people may withdraw from social connections, procrastinate, or avoid responsibilities altogether. Burnout can profoundly affect relationships and self-esteem, leading to feelings of failure and disconnection from others.
Addressing Burnout Requires a Holistic Approach
Addressing burnout requires a multifaceted approach that includes both individual and systemic changes. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the underlying issues contributing to burnout, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild resilience. Rest and recovery are essential because burnout cannot be resolved by simply pushing through it – people need time, space, and patience to heal. Systemic workplace adjustments are often necessary, including reducing excessive demands, establishing clear boundaries, and fostering supportive environments. Self-care practices such as mindfulness, regular exercise and reconnecting with activities that bring joy can also play a crucial role in recovery.
Burnout Is a Call to Prioritise Emotional and Mental Health
Burnout is not a reflection of personal failure. It’s a complex response to prolonged, unrelenting stress, often shaped by factors outside of individual control. Understanding burnout means recognising its key symptoms: emotional exhaustion, detachment, and a reduced sense of accomplishment. These aren’t signs of weakness but signals from your body and mind that your current demands exceed your resources.
Addressing burnout starts with self-awareness and support. Prioritising emotional and mental health isn’t just self-care—it’s a fundamental necessity for thriving. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking workplace accommodations, or rethinking unsustainable systems in your life. However, proper recovery also requires systemic change. Organisations and communities must create environments where wellbeing is central, not optional.
If you or someone you know is experiencing burnout, reaching out to a mental health professional can provide guidance, validation and strategies for recovery. You don’t have to face it alone – healing and recovery are possible, and your well-being is worth the effort.
Throughout my years of working with people from all walks of life, one truth has become abundantly clear: we are often our own harshest critics. Time and again, I meet people weighed down by self-doubt, lost in comparisons, and questioning their sense of worth. But here’s a fact I wish you would hold on to today: you are enough, exactly as you are.
The Perfectionism Trap
We live in a world that often equates worth with achievement, appearance, or success. This can lead to the exhausting pursuit of perfection – an unattainable goal. Whether striving to be the best at work, the fittest in your gym, or the most engaging person at a party, perfectionism keeps us in a constant state of “not good enough.”
The reality is that perfection isn’t what connects us as humans. Vulnerability, authenticity and kindness are far more powerful. Allowing yourself to be imperfect not only lifts the weight of unrealistic expectations but also invites deeper connections with others who see and accept you for who you really are.
You Are Not Your Mistakes
It’s natural to make mistakes. We all do. Yet, many of us cling to our failures as evidence that we’re not worthy or capable. We say all sorts of terrible things to ourselves when we get something wrong. Some mistakes have more significant consequences; however, we need to be able to accept that we are human. But what if mistakes were viewed very differently? Instead of considering them massive failures, we could reframe them as opportunities for learning. Each stumble is a step forward, a chance to grow and a reminder that you’re trying – that’s something to be proud of. Even if you don’t like the outcome – you were willing to take a chance.
The Comparison Illusion
One of the biggest culprits of self-doubt is comparison. Social media makes it easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to others’ fake highlight reels. But you’re comparing your behind-the-scenes real life to someone else’s polished production. What you don’t see are their struggles, doubts and fears – people on social media well, they’re human, just like you.
Instead of measuring yourself against online personalities, turn your focus inwards. Celebrate your progress, however small, and honour your journey. It’s unique and worthy of praise. I even go so far as to say it’s worthy of feeling pride!
What Matters
At the end of the day (said like Roy Keane), it’s not the number of promotions, likes, acknowledgements or accolades you receive on social media that define your sense of worth. What matters are the moments of kindness you’ve shown towards others, the resilience you’ve demonstrated in getting through the hardships in your life, and the relationships you’ve nurtured. Your worth is not tied to what you do; you are not your job; your self-worth is inherent in who you are.
Self-Compassion
If you take one thing away from this blog post – treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a dear friend. When self-critical thoughts creep in, ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” The answer is definitely ‘no’. You’d be so kind and supportive to someone else, so please offer yourself the same grace and support.
Here’s an exercise that I’d recommend you do every night! Write down one thing you really liked or appreciated about yourself that day. It could be as simple as “I handled a stressful situation well”, “I smiled at a stranger and made their day better”, or “I held a door open for someone, and I know they felt seen”. Over time, you’ll notice and appreciate your strengths and kindness towards others.
You Are Enough
Remember, you are not defined by your productivity, appearance, or accolades. You are enough because of your humanity, effort and unique place in this world. The world would not be the same if you were never born or not here right now. If today feels hard, know that it’s okay to pause, breathe and just be. Tomorrow is a new day. You don’t have to be perfect; you have to be yourself.
If self-doubt feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor or a peer support group or maybe now is the time to attend an AA or NA meeting – I suspect it might not do any harm to see what one is like! Sometimes, having someone to guide you through the noise of self-criticism can make a huge difference. You are worthy of support, joy and peace of mind. You’re also deserving of the love that you give others.
Have you ever spilt coffee on your top in a meeting or stumbled over a word during a presentation and felt like all eyes were on you? Or maybe you wore mismatched socks to a party and were certain everyone noticed. This phenomenon, where we believe our actions or appearance are under intense scrutiny, is referred to as the “spotlight effect”. We tend to overestimate how much other people notice and remember our actions. The reality is that most people are far too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinise ours!
Understanding the spotlight effect can help free us from its grip and also help us navigate social situations with greater confidence and self-compassion.
What Is the Spotlight Effect? A Cognitive Bias Explained
The term “spotlight effect” was coined in social psychology and refers to our inflated perception of how much others notice and remember our actions or appearance. This cognitive bias arises because we are so immersed in our own experiences that it becomes challenging to step outside of ourselves and consider the limited perspective of others. In essence, we are the main characters in our own stories, and we assume others are equally focused on us.
Research backs this up. In a well-known study*, participants were asked to wear embarrassing t-shirts to a social gathering. When later asked to estimate how many people noticed the shirts, participants consistently overestimated the number. The reality was that most people either didn’t notice or quickly forgot. This demonstrates a key truth: most people are too preoccupied with their own concerns to dwell on others’ mistakes or quirks.
Why We Feel Like Everyone Is Watching
Evolutionarily, being attuned to others’ opinions had survival benefits. In early human societies, social cohesion was critical, and being aware of others’ judgments helped maintain harmony. However, in modern times, this tendency can become exaggerated, leading to unnecessary anxiety and self-consciousness.
Certain factors can intensify the spotlight effect. Social anxiety, for instance, can heighten the sense that you’re being judged. Perfectionism also plays a role, as individuals who set excessively high standards for themselves are more likely to fear others’ negative evaluations. Additionally, the rise of social media has amplified the spotlight effect by creating platforms where we feel constantly visible.
The Psychological Cost of Living Under the Spotlight
Living under the illusion of the spotlight effect can take a toll on mental health. It contributes to feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, and even shame. Many clients describe avoiding certain situations because they fear judgment or ridicule. For example, someone might decline public speaking opportunities because they believe any minor slip-up will be remembered and judged harshly.
Over time, this avoidance can erode self-confidence and limit personal growth. It’s important to recognise that while the spotlight effect may feel real, it is often just a mental construct that can be dismantled with the right strategies.
Breaking Free: Strategies to Overcome the Spotlight Effect
Fortunately, the spotlight effect is a mental construct, and there are practical ways to dismantle it. Here are some strategies to help you break free from its grip.
Reframe Your Perspective: Remind yourself that most people focus on themselves. For example, when you feel self-conscious, ask yourself, “How often do I notice or remember minor mistakes others make?” The answer is prob, “Not often,” and the same applies to you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for perceived mistakes, treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. Acknowledge that imperfection is a natural part of being human.
Shift the Focus: Redirect your attention outward. Engage with others and ask questions. Focus on what’s going on around you rather than your internal narrative. This can help break the cycle of self-conscious thoughts.
Embrace Exposure: Gradual exposure to situations that trigger the spotlight effect can help you build resilience. For instance, if you’re anxious about public speaking, start with smaller, low-stakes audiences and work your way up. You migth start by speaking during a small group gathering at work or with friends. Practice giving a toast at a family event; volunteer to present in some informal setting, such as a book club.
Limit Social Media Consumption: Social media can magnify the spotlight effect by presenting idealised versions of others’ lives. Taking regular breaks from social media or adjusting your algorithm to prioritise positive, authentic and realistic content can significantly reduce its impact on your mental well-being.
Moving Beyond the Spotlight: Understanding the spotlight effect is a powerful way to start freeing yourself from its grasp. It’s a reminder that we are all navigating our own challenges and that others’ attention is not focused on us as often as we imagine. By shifting your mindset and practicing self-compassion, you can reduce feelings of self-consciousness.
Many people learn how to free themselves from the pressure of an imaginary spotlight. They embrace challenges, deepen relationships and can live authentically. You can, too.
If this resonates with you, perhaps you might apply one of the strategies today. If the spotlight effect is limiting your potential then consider talking to a mental health professional. The world isn’t watching as closely as you think. You deserve to live fully, freely and authentically.
*Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.211
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Set Intentions
Forget Resolutions: Set Intentions for 2025 Instead
As the new year begins, many of us feel pressured to create a long list of resolutions – big, bold promises about improving ourselves in 2025. But let’s be honest: how often do we stick to our New Year’s resolutions? Instead of setting yourself up with rigid goals, why not try a gentler and more meaningful approach this year? Set intentions.
Why Intentions Work
Intentions are different from New Year’s resolutions. Instead of focusing on specific outcomes (“lose 5 kgs in three months” or “save money”), intentions focus on how we want to live and how we want to feel. They’re less about achieving (or failing) and more about aligning with our values.
Unlike resolutions, which can leave us feeling like a failure when we don’t hit our target, intentions are adaptable. They grow with us as the year unfolds, helping us stay connected to what matters most.
How to Set Intentions
Identify Your Values
What’s most important to you? Connection, personal growth, balance, adventure? Whether it’s health, happiness, relationships or creativity, your intentions should reflect your core values.
Focus on Feelings, Not Results
Instead of saying, “I’ll exercise five days a week,” try, “I’ll care for my body and enjoy moving it.” This keeps the focus on how you want to feel rather than setting a rigid expectation.
Keep It Positive
Frame intentions as things you’re inviting into your life, like “I’ll welcome more peace into my days,” instead of focusing on what you want to avoid.
Write Down Intentions
Keep your intentions visible to stay connected to them. Put them on your fridge, make them your phone wallpaper, or stick a note on your mirror.
Examples to Inspire You
“I’ll make time for the people who matter most”
“I’ll find moments of calm in my everyday life”
“I’ll enjoy movement and celebrate my body’s strength.”
“I’ll take small, steady steps towards a healthier, happier me.”
“I’ll pay attention and celebrate the little wins”
The Beauty of Intentions
The beauty of setting intentions is that there’s no pressure to “get it right.” Intentions are a gentle reminder of what’s important and how you want to approach your life—they’re not a strict rulebook. They help you stay grounded in your values and guide you in making choices that feel authentic and fulfilling.
So, as you welcome 2025, give yourself permission to step away from strict resolutions. Instead, set intentions that inspire and guide you. Let this year be one of mindfulness, growth, and joy.
Step into 2025 with a fresh approach- ditch rigid New Year’s resolutions and embrace mindful intentions. Discover how setting intentions can help you live in alignment with your values, focus on what really matters most to you and make this year one of growth, joy and authenticity.
Here’s to a meaningful 2025!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Christmas 2024
Christmas 2024
Christmas in Ireland is steeped in tradition, from lights in the window, Midnight mass, festive gatherings, turkey and ham, sea swimming, holly boughs and wrapped presents. However, the season can also bring pressures such as expectations to overindulge, spend excessively, or navigate challenging family dynamics. Here are tips to help you embrace a meaningful Christmas that aligns with your needs and values.
Reflect on What Matters Most
Take time to consider what Christmas means to you. Whether it’s a time for connection, rest, or marking the end of the year, focus on the traditions and activities that bring you joy. Whether you enjoy decorating, cooking a favourite meal, or simply reflecting on the year gone by, choose what feels meaningful and let go of the rest.
Manage Family Dynamics
Family gatherings can bring warmth but may also raise tensions. Set boundaries ahead of time: decide how long you’ll stay and what topics you’d prefer to avoid. If it feels overwhelming, it’s okay to opt out. Prioritise your well-being and, where possible, suggest neutral activities like a walk to keep interactions light and positive.
Be Mindful Around Alcohol
Alcohol often plays a central role in celebrations, but it’s important to drink with intention. Know your limits, and don’t feel pressured to keep pace with others. Mocktails or non-alcoholic options are perfectly valid choices. A simple, “I’m not drinking tonight,” can be empowering.
Rethink Gift-Giving
Gift-giving is a lovely tradition, but it can be stressful and costly. Set a budget, suggest Secret Santa, or focus on shared experiences rather than material gifts. Thoughtful gestures like a handmade card or a meaningful note often mean far more than expensive presents.
Prioritise Rest and Simplicity
You don’t need to pack your schedule with constant socialising. If you need rest, allow yourself to take it. A quiet day reading, walking in nature, or watching a favourite movie can be fulfilling. If you’re alone, a video call or message to a friend can create an important sense of connection.
Navigate Grief and Mixed Emotions
The holidays can be difficult, particularly for those grieving a loved one or reflecting on a tough year. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. Small acts of gratitude, like appreciating a warm meal or a quiet moment, can provide comfort. If you’re struggling, reach out to someone you trust or contact a professional for support.
Stay Flexible
Christmas doesn’t have to follow a rigid plan. If things don’t go as expected, adapt and let go of perfection. Traditions can evolve! Start new ones that suit your current needs or modify old ones to bring you joy.
Give Back
Giving to others can add a deeper sense of purpose to the season. Volunteer locally, donate to a cause, or help a neighbour in need. Simple acts of kindness like leaving a note or buying someone a coffee can spread joy and help you feel connected.
Embrace Nature
If the season feels overwhelming, step outside. A walk in the fresh air, a quiet moment in nature, or bringing greenery indoors can reset your mind and create a calming festive atmosphere.
Be Financially Mindful
Set a clear budget and stick to it. Avoid last-minute spending or overcommitting to events with added costs. Be honest about your limits – Christmas is about meaningful moments, not excessive spending.
Reflect and Look Ahead
Take time to celebrate the wins, big or small, from the year gone by. Acknowledge your challenges, and set intentions for the year ahead that align with what matters most to you.
Final Thoughts
Christmas doesn’t need to look a certain way to be meaningful. By focusing on what aligns with your values, setting boundaries, and taking care of your mental health, you can create a celebration that feels authentic and joyful. Whether it’s spent with family, in quiet reflection, or giving back to your community, the best Christmas is one that nourishes and uplifts you!
Do you find it easy to start things but difficult to stick with them? Whether it’s a report, a new routine, or a healthy habit, implementation intentions can help turn good intentions into consistent action. Implementation intentions are a psychological strategy designed to bridge the gap between goals and actions.
By creating clear if-then plans you can link specific cues (“if”) to intentional behaviours (“then”), making it easier to take consistent steps toward your objectives. Psychologist Dr Peter Gollwitzer developed the concept to help people follow through on their goals. Research shows implementation intentions can significantly increase success rates across a wide range of behaviours.
Why “If-Then” Plans Work
Pre-Deciding Actions: You eliminate the need to decide in the moment by linking a trigger to a pre-set action. This saves mental energy and helps you act automatically.
Triggering Immediate Action: The “if” acts as a cue to carry out the “then” behaviour which helps you spot the right moment to take action.
Creating Specificity: Clear plans reduce ambiguity. Instead of thinking, “Maybe I should start working on my report,” you now have a direct instruction: “If I open my laptop, then I will write the first paragraph of the report.”
How to Create an Effective If-Then Plan
1. Identify the Cue (“If”)
Choose something specific and regular – a time, place or event in your routine: “If I sit at my desk, then I will open my notebook to plan my day.”
2. Define the Action (“Then”)
Pick a small, clear action directly linked to your goal:
“If I open my laptop, then I will write one sentence of my report.”
“If I walk into the kitchen, then I will fill my water bottle.”
“If I check my phone, then I will spend five minutes replying to important messages.”
3. Keep the Plan Realistic
Start small and manageable. Simplicity increases follow-through and builds momentum.
Examples of “If-Then” Plans
Productivity: “If I sit at my desk after breakfast, then I will spend 10 minutes organising my day.”
Exercise: “If I put on my trainers, then I will stretch for five minutes.”
Healthy Eating: “If I feel the urge to snack, then I will drink a glass of water first.”
Self-Care: “If I finish work at 17.00, then I will read a book for 20 minutes.”
These small, specific actions can form the foundation of lasting habits.
Why They’re Effective
Reduces Decision Paralysis: You skip the debate and know what to do next.
Builds Habits Through Repetition: Linking the same “if” to the same “then” strengthens the behaviour.
Increases Accountability: If the “if” happens but the “then” doesn’t, you notice and can adjust.
Overcoming Common Challenges
If It Feels Overwhelming: Start with one if-then plan today. Small steps lead to big change (baby steps in the right direction).
If You Miss the Cue: Choose a more regular activity or use reminders.
If You Don’t Feel Motivated: Motivation isn’t needed — the plan handles that. Focus on execution, not emotion.
Ready to Try?
By using “if-then” plans, you can simplify decisions, create structure and move from goals to action. Which small habit could you start today? Why not write one “if-then” plan now and see how powerful it can be.
Boost Employee Wellbeing with Lunch & Learn Mental Health Talks
In today’s demanding work environments, employee mental health has never been more critical. Stress, anxiety, burnout, and sleep challenges aren’t just personal struggles – they directly impact workplace productivity, morale and retention. For forward-thinking companies, investing in corporate wellness programs is a key step toward building a resilient and thriving team. One of the most effective tools for promoting mental health at work is the “Lunch & Learn” session – an interactive, accessible way to support your employees’ well-being.
Research shows that mental health challenges cost employers billions annually in lost productivity, absenteeism, and turnover. Employees who feel supported in their mental health are more engaged, productive and committed to their roles. Yet many organisations struggle to address these challenges in meaningful, practical ways. This is where mental health talks tailored for the workplace come in. By equipping employees with tools to reduce stress, improve sleep, and manage anxiety, businesses can foster a culture that prioritises wellbeing and the results are transformative.
Lunch & Learn talks are short, focused training sessions that fit seamlessly into the workday, often taking place during employees’ lunch breaks. These talks provide actionable strategies to improve mental health and wellbeing without interrupting the flow of business or the workday. Whether hosted in-person or virtually via Zoom, these sessions create a safe, welcoming place where employees can learn, reflect and gain practical tools to enhance their emotional resilience and overall productivity.
I specialise in delivering dynamic, research-based talks designed to address the unique challenges of employees. Topics include managing stress and preventing burnout, reducing anxiety at work, improving sleep, prioritising yourself without guilt, and building resilience in the workplace. Each talk is carefully tailored to the needs of your organisation, providing employees with mental health tools they can immediately implement.
For busy workplaces, Lunch & Learn sessions offer a flexible, efficient way to promote employee wellbeing. Sessions are designed to fit into employees’ lunch breaks, ensuring minimal disruption to the workday while providing actionable strategies people can apply immediately. Attendees leave with practical insights and tools that improve mental health and productivity. These sessions also help create a workplace culture that prioritises emotional and mental health, showing employees that their wellbeing is valued.
Offering mental health talks in the workplace is more than just a perk, it’s a strategic move that drives measurable benefits. Supporting mental health leads to increased productivity, reduced absenteeism, improved employee retention, and better collaboration. Employees who feel emotionally supported work well and communicate more effectively, while those with tools to manage stress are more focused, efficient and satisfied in their roles. A workplace that prioritises mental health also experiences lower turnover and creates an environment where employees feel valued and engaged.
With years of experience delivering impactful mental health workshops, I understand the unique challenges faced by today’s workplaces. My approach is practical, evidence-based, and tailored to meet the specific needs of your team. Every session is engaging and conversational, with attendees leaving inspired to implement the strategies they’ve learned. Whether delivered in person or virtually, these sessions are designed to be accessible, flexible, and impactful.
Investing in your employees’ mental and emotional health is an investment in the future success of your organisation. Whether you’re looking for a one-time Lunch & Learn session or a series of talks, I can create a program tailored to your team’s needs. Contact me today to discuss how mental health talks for the workplace can help your team thrive. Together, we can build a healthier, happier, and more productive workplace.
for further information pleaes complete the contact form on this page or email hello@carolinecrotty.ie https://carolinecrotty.ie/corporate-training/
Loving You
Loving You
There’s a difference between someone loving you and you loving someone. While both involve care, affection, and connection, they come from different sources and serve distinct emotional needs.
Someone Loving You
When someone loves you, you are the recipient of their affection. This love can make you feel validated, cared for, and supported. It nurtures your self-worth and offers a sense of belonging. However, the love you receive from others, while wonderful, is not something you can control or create – it is an external source of emotional nourishment.
While being loved by someone else can enhance your happiness, it cannot fill the void if you lack a strong foundation of self-love. Relying solely on external love can lead to dependency, insecurity or disappointment when that love doesn’t meet all your emotional needs.
You Loving Someone
On the other hand, loving someone comes from your inner capacity to give affection, care and emotional support. This love is an expression of who you are and what you value. However, loving someone else should be rooted in a healthy understanding and love for yourself. Without self-love, your love for others may become imbalanced, leading to over-giving, people-pleasing, or losing yourself in the relationship while seeking external validation or approval.
Challenges with Giving or Receiving Love
If you struggle to give or receive love, you are not alone. Many people face barriers because of past experiences, trust issues, or deeply held beliefs about themselves and others. For example, loving and being loved require vulnerability, which can feel overwhelming if you’ve been hurt in the past. Opening up can feel risky, but starting small – like sharing your feelings with a trusted friend.- can help you build confidence in showing your true self.
Low self-worth can make it difficult to accept love. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of affection, you may unconsciously block love from others. Working on affirming your worth through self-reflective practices, positive self-talk, or therapy can help you rebuild this belief. Similarly, trust issues from past betrayals may make you hesitate to rely on others emotionally. Trust takes time to build – allow people to demonstrate their reliability gradually.
For some people the challenge lies in over-sharing. If you constantly put others’ needs above your own, you may find yourself emotionally drained. This often stems from a desire to earn love rather than giving it freely. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to care for others without neglecting your own needs. Lastly, fear of rejection can prevent you from showing affection or receiving it. Shifting your focus to the act of giving love, rather than its outcome, can help you embrace love as a gift, not a transaction.
Why Loving Yourself First Is Key
Self-love is about recognising your worth, setting healthy boundaries and meeting your emotional needs. Without it, you may look to others to fill gaps in your self-esteem, which can lead to unhealthy relationships or emotional burnout. When you cultivate self-love, you become less dependent on external validation because your sense of worth comes from within. You can set healthy boundaries that protect your energy and ensure that your relationships remain balanced. This self-respect also helps you choose healthier partnerships with people who value and respect you, rather than settling because of insecurity or fear of being alone.
Loving yourself allows you to give love freely. Instead of seeking validation or reciprocation, your love becomes an expression of abundance. You can show care and affection for others without losing yourself in the process, creating relationships that feel mutually fulfilling.
The Balance of Loving and Being Loved
True emotional fulfilment comes from a balance of loving and being loved. When you love yourself, you approach relationships from a healthy perspective, able to give and receive love without losing your sense of self. Relying solely on others for love and validation can lead to emotionally draining or imbalanced relationships. Loving yourself first is not selfish – it’s essential. By cultivating self-love, you create a strong foundation for future relationships, ensuring that the love you give and receive is healthy, authentic and enriching for both you and the other person.
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Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Capacity for Love
Start by practising self-kindness and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a close friend – offer encouragement, patience and understanding instead of harsh judgment. Gratitude is another powerful tool. By recognising the love and support already present in your life, even in small moments or gestures, you can shift your perspective and nurture a deeper sense of connection. Communication is equally vital. Openly expressing your feelings and needs fosters trust and strengthens relationships over time. Celebrate the progress you make and keep in mind htat every step you take towards giving or receiving love is an achievement. By acknowledging your growth, you build confidence and reinforce your ability to form meaningful, healthy connections. Love whether it’s self-love, giving love, or accepting it is a lifelong process. Take a deep breath, embrace who you are and trust in your ability to give and receive love. The most powerful relationship you’ll ever cultivate is the one you build with yourself.
Visit www.carolinecrotty.ie to discover more ways to nurture your emotional well-being and create a life filled with love, connection and self-acceptance.
Unlock Happiness and Find Calm
Unlock Happiness and Find Calm: Practical Tips to Transform Your Day
Happiness is often found in small, meaningful moments and when we combine that with mindfulness (i.e. being fully present in the here and now) well, then we’ve got the recipe for a more joyful, balanced life.
Here’s how you can make every day a little happier by being intentional:
Gratitude – Every day has something to celebrate, even if it’s as simple as a sunny morning or your first sip of coffee. Start a gratitude journal and jot down three things you’re thankful for each night. Watch as your mind shifts to focus on what’s going right in your life.
Connection – Happiness grows when shared. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while or invite someone for coffee. Building meaningful connections reminds you that you’re not alone in this big, beautiful world.
Spark Joy – What makes you feel alive? Whether it’s painting, playing music, hiking, or baking the perfect sourdough, carve out time for the things you love. Joy is contagious—especially when it starts with you.
Move – Focus on movement that elevates your mood. Dance in your kitchen, stroll in the park, or take a yoga class. Exercise isn’t just for your body, it’s a happiness boost for your brain.
Kindness – give to receive as the kindness come straight back! Pay for a stranger’s coffee, volunteer your time, or send an encouraging text. Helping others creates a ripple effect of positivity.
Mindfulness Made Easy: Be Present and Feel Peaceful
From the minute you wake, before checking your mobile phone, pause and set an intention for your day. Whether it’s “I’ll approach today with patience” or “I’ll find beauty in the ordinary,” this small intention can guide your mindset for the day that lies ahead.
Breathing slowly is a secret power. When life feels overwhelming, come back to your breath. Inhale deeply for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four then hold for four (this is called ‘box breathing). You’ll feel your stress melt away, one breath at a time.
Notice the Little Things
Ever paused to really listen to the sounds around you or sense the sun on your face? Try engaging your main senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) so you smell your tea, feel the lovely texture of your clothes, listen to the sound of your footsteps – all of this will bring you to living in the here and now.
Eat with Awareness Instead of mindlessly munching, savour your food. Notice the flavours, textures and all the aromas. Eating mindfully turns an everyday habit into an act of appreciation and joy.
Pay Attention
Think you’re saving time by juggling tasks? Think again. Give your full attention to one thing at a time, whether it’s a work project, a conversation, or even washing the dishes. It’s surprisingly freeing—and effective.
Blend Happiness and Mindfulness
Nature: Leave your phone at home or in the car and spend time in nature. Notice the rustling leaves, little chirping birds, or the way the sunlight breaks through the trees. Nature has a way of quieting your mind and lifting your spirit.
Meditate, Even if only for a few minutes. Use various social media apps like Calm or Headspace to help make mindfulness accessible even on your busiest days.
Journal: Spend a few minutes reflecting on your day—what brought you happiness, or what moment made you feel deeply connected to the present? Writing it down cements the experience and reminds you to look for more.
Happiness and mindfulness aren’t about perfection—they’re about showing up for yourself in small, meaningful ways. So take a deep breath, smile at the little victories, and remember: the life you want is built in the moments you create.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Letting Go of Unpleasant Memories
35 Tips to Let Go of Unpleasant Memories
Memories can be powerful. They shape who we are, provide lessons, and anchor us to moments of joy. But what happens when unpleasant memories hold us back from happiness? While it’s natural to dwell on challenging experiences, letting go is an art – something to be practised through practical techniques. Hereunder are 35 tips to release unpleasant memories and help you embrace happiness.
1. Reframe the Memory with a Narrative
Turn the unpleasant memory into a story of growth. Reflect on how it shaped your strengths or taught you resilience.
2. Practice Gratitude for the Negative
Gratitude isn’t just for good experiences. Thank the situation for the lessons it has taught you, shifting your focus from pain to growth.
3. Laugh at Your Past Self
Humour disarms pain. Laugh at the absurdity of the memory or create an exaggerated, comical version of the event.
4. Use the Doorframe Technique
When you walk through a door, mentally say, “I leave the past behind me.” This physical and mental cue helps compartmentalise and let go.
5. Visualise a “Memory Bank Withdrawal”
Imagine depositing your unpleasant memory in a mental “bank.” Withdraw it only when needed for reflection or learning.
6. Engage Your Sense of Smell
Certain scents can ground you in the present and create positive associations, overwriting negative feelings.
7. Name the Emotion, Not the Memory
Label the emotion the memory evokes—like anger or sadness—rather than focusing on the event. This creates emotional distance.
8. Create a Reverse Bucket List
Write a list of negative experiences you’ve overcome. This tangible reminder of your resilience can shift your perspective.
9. “Time Travel” Through Future Self-Compassion
Imagine your future self looking back at this moment with kindness, knowing it will feel less significant over time.
10. Touch Something Cold
Holding a cold object, like an ice cube, can interrupt negative thought loops and anchor you in the present.
11. Ask, “Will This Matter in Five Years?”
This question reframes your perspective, diminishing the event’s emotional intensity in the long term.
12. Deliberately Misremember the Memory
Reimagine the memory with an absurd or humorous twist to deflate its power over you.
13. Sing the Memory Away
Sing about the memory to a silly tune. This playful approach creates emotional distance and makes the memory less intimidating.
14. Assign the Memory to an Object
Choose an object to represent the memory. Bury, destroy, or throw it away as a symbolic act of release.
15. Backward Gratitude
Think about how the unpleasant event indirectly contributed to positive changes or growth in your life.
16. The Rubber Band Snap Technique
Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it gently when you catch yourself dwelling on the memory, breaking the thought loop.
17. Watch It as a Movie
Imagine the memory is a scene in a film. Seeing it as an outsider helps reduce emotional attachment.
18. Write a “Breakup Letter”
Write a letter to the memory as if it were a toxic relationship. Explain why you’re letting it go, then destroy the letter.
19. Create a Memory Jar
For every unpleasant memory, write a positive one and place it in a jar. Over time, the positive memories will outweigh the negative.
20. Time-Changing Meditation
Picture the memory dissolving, like sand washing away in the ocean, as you focus on the present moment.
21. Change Your Environment
Visit a new place. Novel surroundings stimulate your brain to focus on the now rather than the past.
22. Rewrite the Memory in Your Dreams
Before bed, visualise the memory but imagine a positive or absurd ending. This reshapes how your subconscious processes it.
23. Perform Tiny Acts of Kindness
Shift your energy by helping someone else. Kindness activates neural pathways for positive feelings and reduces personal distress.
24. Radical Acceptance
Repeat the mantra: “It happened. I can’t change it, but I can choose how I carry it.” Acceptance helps you let go of resistance.
25. Make Art
Paint, draw, or sculpt the memory. Externalizing it as art diminishes its emotional grip and lets you reframe it creatively.
26. Shake It Off
Physically shake your body for 1–2 minutes, mimicking how animals release stress. This resets your nervous system.
27. Savor Micro-Moments of Joy
Focus on small, positive experiences—like a warm breeze or a kind word. Research shows savoring micro-moments counteracts negativity.
28. Create a Letting Go Playlist
Put together songs that inspire resilience. Sing, dance or maybe even cry to help process emotions.
29. Speak to the Memory as a Child
Imagine the memory as a scared child. Offer it compassion and gently release it, acknowledging it no longer serves you.
30. Brain Dump
Write down every unpleasant thought that resurfaces throughout the day. Externalising everything on paper reduces its emotional weight.
31. Distract Yourself with Novelty
Learn a new skill, like knitting, cooking, or solving puzzles. Novel challenges shift focus and build new neural pathways
32. Guided Visualisation: The River
Picture yourself placing the memory on a leaf and watching it float downstream in a peaceful river.
33. Adopt Minimalist Thinking
Ask, “Does this thought serve me?” If not, visualise placing it in a mental “rubbish bin.”
34. Mirror Affirmations
Look in a mirror and say, “I deserve peace. The past cannot hurt me anymore.” Reinforcing this visually and audibly empowers release.
35. The 10 Deep Breaths Rule
When a memory resurfaces, take ten slow, deep breaths. This creates a pause and allows emotions to settle.
Happiness often lies not in avoiding unpleasant memories but in learning how to process and release them. These tips offer a toolkit to help you whenver npleasant memories or worried thought sprint up. Whether through humour, visualisation, or symbolic acts, the key is to experiment with techniques that resonate with you.
Letting go is not about erasing the past, it’s about reclaiming your present and building a future rooted in peace and joy.
Understanding Brain Fog, Emotional Meltdowns and Hormonal Changes
Many adults experience moments of brain fog and are familiar with emotional meltdowns or cognitive struggles. These episodes can lead to concerns about whether they stem from stress or signal something more serious such as memory loss or dementia. Understanding the connection between hormones, stress and cognitive function can help alleviate fears and provide pathways for improvement.
What is Brain Fog?
Brain fog refers to a set of cognitive symptoms that can make your mind feel sluggish or less clear than usual. Symptoms may include forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, mental fatigue, and confusion. While brain fog is not a medical condition, it can result from various factors, particularly hormonal changes, stress, and anxiety (at least in the people I meet).
Hormonal Changes and Brain Function
Hormonal fluctuations, especially in women during peri-menopause and menopause, play a significant role in cognitive changes. Oestrogen and progesterone influence neurotransmitters and brain function, and fluctuations in these hormones can cause memory issues, mood swings, and mental dullness. For instance, many women report brain fog and emotional instability during peri-menopause due to changing oestrogen levels, which affect neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Similarly, testosterone and cortisol fluctuations in both men and women can impact memory and mood, underscoring the importance of hormonal balance in cognitive health.
The Role of Stress Hormones: Adrenaline and Cortisol
When the body is under stress—whether from external pressures or internal anxieties—it releases adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones trigger the “freeze, fight, or flight” response, but chronic exposure can take a toll on the brain.
Adrenaline: While helpful in short bursts, constant stress can lead to irritability, emotional meltdowns, and difficulty concentrating.
Cortisol: Known as the “stress hormone,” cortisol plays a key role in memory and learning. Long-term elevated cortisol levels can impair memory, exacerbate brain fog, and damage the hippocampus, the brain area essential for learning.
Chronic stress can lead to cognitive decline, feelings of overwhelm, and emotional burnout.
Emotional Meltdowns and Hormonal Triggers
Emotional meltdowns are often triggered by a combination of factors, including hormonal fluctuations, chronic stress, and disrupted sleep patterns. Changes in oestrogen, testosterone, or cortisol can lower stress tolerance, making small challenges feel overwhelming.
Sleep disruption—common with hormonal imbalances—further exacerbates emotional and cognitive instability. It’s important to recognize that these episodes are usually temporary and related to stress or hormonal shifts rather than long-term mental health issues.
Fear of Dementia and Cognitive Decline
Cognitive changes can naturally raise fears about dementia, as symptoms sometimes overlap. However, brain fog or memory lapses caused by stress or hormonal imbalances are typically temporary. Key differences include:
Dementia: Symptoms are progressive and worsen over time, including getting lost in familiar places or language difficulties.
Brain Fog: Symptoms are intermittent and often linked to stress or other temporary factors.
If cognitive issues persist, it’s important to seek medical advice. However, most stress and hormone-related symptoms can be managed with lifestyle adjustments.
Managing Brain Fog, Hormonal Changes and Stress
Here are some strategies to help reduce brain fog, emotional meltdowns and hormonal imbalances:
Reduce Stress: Engage in stress-relieving activities like yoga, meditation, or mindfulness. Prioritize adequate sleep, as disrupted sleep can worsen brain fog and emotional distress.
Support Hormonal Balance: Consider consulting a doctor about hormone replacement therapy if hormonal fluctuations are a root cause. Maintain a balanced diet rich in omega-3s, B-vitamins, and magnesium to support brain health. (This is not medical advice).
Exercise Regularly: Physical activity helps regulate stress hormones, improving brain function and reducing feelings of fogginess.
Stay Hydrated: Dehydration impairs brain function, so aim to drink enough water. Limit caffeine and alcohol, as these can increase anxiety, disrupt hormones, and impact sleep quality.
Seek Emotional Support: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group, such as those offered by www.grow.ie, can be helpful for managing anxiety or stress.
Brain fog, emotional meltdowns and hormonal changes can feel overwhelming but are often normal reactions to life transitions, stress, and hormonal shifts. While concerns about dementia or cognitive decline are understandable, symptoms related to stress and hormonal imbalances are generally manageable with the right lifestyle changes and support.
If symptoms persist, consulting a healthcare professional is the best step. By addressing hormonal imbalances, managing stress, and practicing self-care, you can reduce many of the mental and emotional challenges that accompany these changes.
15 Tips to Manage Stress in a High-Pressure Work Environment
The corporate world is a fast-paced and competitive space where bright and hardworking people thrive. However, it typically comes with high expectations, tight deadlines and unrelenting pressure. I used to say “leave work at work” however for many, work starts again when children are in bed when the laptop comes out to respond to emails or chat with colleagues States-side. For anyone with perfectionistic tendencies, the drive for excellence can be counterproductive, creating unnecessary stress and anxiety when already working super hard or at capacity. Here are some tips to help manage stress, maintain productivity and find balance.
1. Understand How Personality Affects Stress
Perfectionists and highly demanding individuals often hold themselves and those around them, to exceptionally high standards. While this can lead to outstanding results, it can often make us overly critical of ourselves and of others; it can lead to increased anxiety from focusing only on what’s wrong rather than what’s going right; it can also lead to overcommitment and eventually to burnout. Spend time reflecting on how your personality influences your stress levels. Are you striving for perfection when “good enough” would be enough? Recognising this tendency is a first step towards positive change.
2. Redefine Success
Perfectionism can create a paralysing fear of failure or dissatisfaction with anything less than flawless. the solution is to shift your focus from perfect outcomes to valuable progress. Ask yourself: “What is the minimum effective outcome for this task?” Sometimes, good enough really is good enough. Focus on delivering results rather than obsessing over every minute detail.
Perfection isn’t always practical. If 90% is enough to drive matters forward, then please don’t waste your time chasing the final 10%.
3. Manage Expectations
High performers can expect others to have a matchinglevel of intensity and/or precision, leading to frustration and interpersonal tension when colleagues/your team don’t play by your rules or meet your expectations. The solution is to practice flexibility and empathy in all of your interactions. Recognise that others can have different strengths, priorities, and working styles. Set realistic deadlines and goals for yourself and your team. Again by focusing on the outcomes, and not micromanagement you will encourage autonomy and reduce your own stress while empowering others.
4. Prioritise
Perfectionists and overachievers tend to treat all tasks as equally important. This is just a waste of time and effort. Use tools like the Eisenhower Matrix to determine which tasks are:
Urgent and important: tend to these first.
Important but not urgent: schedule these.
Urgent and not important: delegate or minimise.
Neither urgent nor important: disregad completely.
Let go of low-value tasks that don’t meaningfully contribute to your goals.
5. Mistakes are Growthful
Perfectionists can fear mistakes, viewing them as failures rather than opportunities to learn. Reframe mistakes as valuable feedback. Take the lesson – “What did I learn from this?” “How can I improve?” Share your mistakes with others because it humanises you and it will build trust. Innovation thrives on trial and error. Mistakes can be necessary for breakthroughs.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
I am a bore about self-compassion! Talk to yourself as you would another about whom you care/love. High achievers or perfectionists are often their own harshest critics. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend. Replace self-critical thoughts with affirmations like, “I’m doing my best right now.” Acknowledge successes, even small ones, instead of dwelling on what didn’t go perfectly. Write down three things you did well each day. This helps to shift focus from shortcomings to accomplishments – develop an attitude of gratitude.
7. Boundaries Protect Energy
Perfectionists typically overcommit and take on too much in an effort to meet every demand. Learning how to say “no” and set boundaries will help to avoid burnout. Identify tasks or responsibilities that don’t align with your values/priorities and politely decline them. Create “work-free” zones or times to protect your personal time and recharge. Walk out of the office to look at the sky and return with fresh air in your lungs (not accurate but you’ll get my drift!) Practice saying ‘no’ by framing things positively: “I’d love to help with that task but I have to focus on [xxxxxxx] to give it my best effort.”
8. Delegate Without Perfectionism
Delegating can be tough because others won’t meet your standards. Trust your team. Empower others to take ownership. Focus on communicating clear goals, objectives and expectations (instead of micromanaging how the work gets done). Accept that others will approach tasks differently from you and do things their way and that’s okay! They are not you. Delegation is a leadership skill. By letting go, you create space for strategic work and reduce stress.
9. Use Mindfulness
Racing thoughts and constant demands can make stress feel unmanageable. Incorporate mindfulness techniques to stay grounded and focused. Try box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 seconds. Use mindfulness apps during your breaks at work and make breaks for their use such as Headspace or Calm or the Mindshift CBT Mindfulness isn’t about clearing your mind of all thoughts (not sure how that could be achieved), it’s really about trying to bring an awareness to the present moment without judgement.
10. Recognise When Perfectionism Hinders Efficiency
Spending excessive time refining tasks that are already complete delays progress and increases stress. Set time limits for perfectionist tendencies. You might allocate a set amount of time to polish a presentation or proofread a report, then move on. You might ask yourself: “Will anyone notice the difference if I spend another hour on this?” and if not, it’s time to let go. While having every bullet point the same size or every full stop is necessary it’s not worth losing sleep over. Progress is more important than perfection. Done is often better than perfect.
11. Build Resilience Through Self-Care
Neglecting your well-being in pursuit of success depletes your energy and focus. Invest in physical and mental health through consistent self-care. Get regular exercise to reduce tension and improve focus. Prioritise sleep and ensure no late-night perfectionism sessions! Nourish your body with healthy meals instead of relying on caffeine or sugar for energy. Schedule self-care like you would an important meeting. Protect that time as non-negotiable.
12. Redefine Feedback as a Growth Opportunity
Highly driven people often see constructive criticism as a sign of failure. Reframe all or any feedback as an opportunity for improvement. Actively seek feedback to gain perspective and build stronger outcomes. Separate your work from you and your identity. Criticism of a task isn’t criticism of you as a person!
You might try to celebrate feedback by thanking the person for their input and reflecting on how it can help or benefit you. I don’t like criticism because I am a human – no one likes criticism but it’s healthy to be challenged on our frame of reference and to learn about how others view matters. That’s growthful. Thinking we know everything is having a very fixed mindset.
13. Celebrate Progress
Perfectionists might focus only on what’s left to achieve, neglecting how far they’ve come. So always keep an eye and acknowledge all the milestones along the way. Break big projects into smaller goals and celebrate their completion. Create a “wins journal” to track daily or weekly accomplishments, regardless of how small. Progress breeds momentum. Recognising achievements helps maintain motivation and reduces stress.
14. Develop a Resilient Mindset
Stress often stems from negative thinking patterns, like catastrophising or focusing on the worst-case scenarios. Reframe challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. Ask yourself, “what’s the best outcome?” or “what if this works out well?” Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on challenges or problems. Build mental resilience by practicing gratitude and every day list three things you’re thankful for particularly during tough times.
15. Know When to Seek Support
Bright, hardworking professionals often feel they should handle stress on their own, fearing it might appear as a weakness to ask for help. Peopel come into my clinic and say I can’t believe I’m here and couldn’t manage by myself. Recognise that seeking support is a sign of strength. Talk to a trusted colleague, mentor or work place coach about challenges you’re facing. If stress persists, consider professional help from a therapist, counsellor/psychotherapist/psychologist who specialises in corporate environments. Please don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed. Seeking support early can prevent stress from escalating.
Aim for Balance – perfectionism can be an asset in the corporate world, as it drives exceptional results. However, when left unchecked, it can lead to anxiety, stress, and burnout. By recognising when perfectionism isn’t advantageous, embrace progress over perfection, and prioritise self-care, we will ensure balance in our lives without sacrificing our emotional and/or physical health and wellbeing.
Success isn’t about doing everything perfectly, it’s about achieving meaningful results while maintaining a sustainable approach. You might think you’re irreplaceable in your workplace however you might ask yourself – if I died in the morning would this company stay going without me?
www.carolinecrotty.ie
1994 is not 20 years ago
1994 is not 20 years ago!
Last week, someone told me they were afraid of flying and mentioned their last foreign holiday was in 1994. I responded, “Imagine, it’s been twenty years since your last flight.” I stood corrected. 1994 is not twenty years ago!
My niece turned 18 on 25th May 2024 — happy birthday, Niamh! But honestly, it feels like she was born about nine years ago. My maths is fine… it’s just my concept of time that’s shocking!
As we age, we often become less aware of the passage of time. One reason may be that our perception of time is related to the proportion of our life a given period represents. For example, one year in a 10-year-old’s life is 10%, but only 2% of a 50-year-old’s life. So each year feels shorter because it’s a smaller proportion of our total life experience.
There are other reasons why life seems to speed up with age. When we’re younger, we encounter more novel experiences, and these are more deeply encoded in memory. As we get older, days often become more routine – we wake, eat, go about our day, sleep – and when days blend together without variation, they create fewer distinct memories. That can leave us with the sensation that time has flown.
Even brain chemistry plays a role. For example, our dopamine system, which is involved in how we perceive time, changes as we age.
Strategies to Slow Down Time
1. Focus Your Attention Avoiding multitasking. Being mindful of the present moment helps us feel more engaged with each activity. The more engaged we are, the richer and more memorable the moment becomes.
2. Try Meditation Practising meditation can increase awareness of the present and reduce the feeling that life is rushing by. Being fully immersed in now – rather than the next thing – helps us feel like time is moving at a more natural pace.
3. Seek Out New Experiences Novelty is powerful. When we learn new skills, try new activities, travel, or change our routine, we create new memory “markers”. These help time feel fuller and more expansive in hindsight.
4. Break the Routine Changing your usual route to work, trying a new recipe, or walking a different path can prevent your days from blurring together. These small tweaks bring freshness to everyday life.
5. Keep a Journal or Reflection Log Writing about your day, even briefly, helps solidify the events and make the passage of time feel more grounded. Positive reflection can also enhance mood and meaning.
6. Move Your Body in New Ways Physical activity — especially learning new movements or exercising in new environments — boosts both mood and memory. Dance, swimming, yoga, or simply walking a different route can make a big difference.
We can’t stop time, but we can make the most of it. By being intentional, curious and present, we can help time feel richer, more spacious and more memorable.
Diaphragmatic Breathing: How It Works and How to Practice It
Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as deep belly breathing or abdominal breathing, is a powerful technique that encourages the use of the diaphragm – a large, dome-shaped muscle at the base of our lungs. This type of breathing is natural and effective, allowing the lungs to fill more completely, promoting relaxation, and offering a variety of benefits for both mental and physical well-being.
How Diaphragmatic Breathing Works
Anatomy of the Diaphragm: Located just below the lungs, the diaphragm plays a central role in breathing. When it contracts and moves downward, it creates more space in the chest cavity, allowing the lungs to expand and fill with air. When it relaxes, moving back upward, it pushes air out of the lungs, completing the breath.
Mechanics of Diaphragmatic Breathing:
Inhalation: When we breathe in deeply using our diaphragm, it moves downward, expanding the chest cavity and enabling the lungs to expand fully and increase oxygen intake.
Exhalation: As we breathe out, the diaphragm relaxes and moves back up, helping to push air out of the lungs.
Why Diaphragmatic Breathing is Effective
Fuller, Deeper Breaths: Diaphragmatic breathing allows us to take deeper breaths, enhancing oxygen intake.
Promotes Relaxation: By activating the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” response), this breathing technique naturally helps reduce stress and anxiety.
– Reduces Muscle Tension: This technique reduces the use of accessory muscles in the neck and chest, which are often overused in shallow breathing, thereby minimising neck and shoulder tension.
How to Practice Diaphragmatic Breathing
Find a Comfortable Position: Lie on your back with knees bent and feet flat on the floor, or sit comfortably with a straight back. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly, just below the ribcage. This will help you feel the diaphragm move as you breathe. Begin with a Slow Inhale: Breathe in slowly through your nose, allowing the air to fill your belly. Focus on expanding your belly outward rather than lifting your chest. The hand on your stomach should rise, while the hand on your chest remains still. Hold Briefly (Optional): At the top of the inhale, hold your breath for a second or two if it feels comfortable. This step is optional and can be skipped if it creates tension. Exhale Slowly and Fully: Breathe out slowly through your mouth, engaging your abdominal muscles to push the air out. Imagine gently pulling your belly button toward your spine as you exhale. The hand on your belly should fall while the hand on your chest stays still. Repeat: Continue this breathing pattern, aiming for a smooth, rhythmic flow. Try to inhale for a count of four, hold briefly, and exhale for a count of four or six, adjusting the pace to suit your comfort level.
Practice Regularly:Start with 5–10 minutes daily of diaphragmatic breathing, gradually increasing as it becomes more comfortable. Regular practice will make this technique feel more natural, and soon, you may find it easier to use diaphragmatic breathing in daily life to manage stress or promote relaxation.
Tips for Effective Diaphragmatic Breathing
Stay Relaxed: Relax your neck, shoulders, and chest to allow the diaphragm to do the work.
Slow and Steady: Focus on slow, deep breaths rather than forcing a big breath. The goal is to take comfortable, deep breaths without straining. Practice in Different Positions: Once comfortable lying down, try diaphragmatic breathing while sitting or standing. This will make it easier to use the technique in various situations.
Benefits of Diaphragmatic Breathing
Reduces Stress and Anxiety: Diaphragmatic breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and helps in reducing stress. Improves Lung Efficiency: By allowing the lungs to expand fully, deep belly breathing increases oxygen intake, enhancing oxygen delivery throughout the body. Reduces Muscle Tension: Minimises the use of accessory muscles, reducing neck and shoulder tension often associated with shallow breathing. Supports Better Posture: Engaging core muscles during diaphragmatic breathing can support better posture, especially when practiced regularly in different positions.
Diaphragmatic breathing can be used in many situations to promote relaxation and manage anxiety. With regular practice, it can become a natural and effective way to calm the mind and body, support better breathing habits and even improve posture.
For more information on relaxation techniques visit https://www.carolinecrotty.ie
Self-Diagnosis Is Unhealthy
Avoid Self-Diagnosis
It’s easier than ever to turn to “Dr. Google” (the internet) for answers to just about everything, including health-related questions. Whether it’s a physical ailment or mental health concern, we’re often tempted to type our symptoms into a search engine, hoping to understand what’s happening with our bodies or minds. While the internet can be a useful source of information, self-diagnosing can lead to misunderstandings, mismanagement, or even harm. Self-diagnosis is unhealthy and unhelpful. Seeking professional help is always the better option for several reasons:
InformationOverload: The internet is filled with both accurate and misleading information about mental health conditions. Searching for symptoms when feeling anxious, stressed or sad may lead to incorrect assumptions about potentially having a serious disorder. This often causes people undue worry and stress. Mental health conditions are complex and require more than a quick online search to be properly understood.
OverlappingSymptoms: Conditions might not exist in isolation. There could be co-occurring disorders or underlying issues, such as trauma, substance abuse, or medical conditions that need addressing. Self-diagnosing may lead people to overlook various interconnected or overlapping factors.
Many mental health disorders share similar symptoms. For example, feeling tired or disinterested could suggest depression, but it might also point to burnout, anxiety, or a medical condition like hypothyroidism or low Vitamin D levels. Feeling dizzy can be caused by various factors, ranging from minor to more serious health conditions. Without professional guidance, it’s easy to misinterpret symptoms and reach the wrong conclusion.
ConfirmationBias: Self-diagnosing can lead to “confirmation bias” where we focus on information that supports our suspicions or views. For instance, if you believe you have depression, you might gravitate towards content that reinforces that belief, even if another issue is present. A mental health professional provides an objective, evidence-based assessment to avoid this common pitfall.
Treatment: Even if symptoms match a particular mental health condition, treatment is not a one-size-fits-all. Self-diagnosing can lead to ineffective or potentially harmful self-treatment. A professional can create a personalised healthcare plan that includes therapy, tools and possibly medication (if necessary) tailored to an individual’s unique needs.
Delayed Treatment: Self-diagnosing can delay appropriate treatment. Many mental health conditions worsen without timely professional intervention, and delaying treatment may reduce effective management or recovery.
Conclusion: Being mindful of your mental health is crucial, but self-diagnosing isn’t the answer! Turn to a mental health professional (perhaps your own GP, a Psychiatrist or Clinical Psychologist) who can help guide you through a proper assessment and provide real, actionable solutions. Your mental health is too important to leave to guesswork. If you’re struggling, please contact a professional for the support you need.
The vagus nerve is the longest and one of the most complex cranial nerves, extending from the brainstem to vital organs, including the heart, lungs, and digestive tract. It plays a key role in regulating essential bodily functions such as digestion, heart rate, and breathing. The vagus nerve’s pathways create a powerful link between the brain and various organs and are responsible for reflex actions like swallowing, coughing, and sneezing. Stimulating the vagus nerve can activate the parasympathetic rest and digest system, which promotes relaxation and helps calm both body and mind. How?
Deep, Slow Breathing
Diaphragmatic or belly breathing is a simple way to activate the vagus nerve. How: 4-7-8 Breathing Technique
Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds. Hold the breath for 7 seconds.
Exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds.
This technique encourages a shift from beings tressed to calm – ideal for use during stressful events.
Cold Exposure (Mammalian Dive Reflex)
Splashing cold water on our face, especially around the eyes, forehead, and nostrils can trigger the mammalian dive reflex. This slows the heart rate and redirects blood to vital organs, conserving energy and promoting calm. How: Use cold water on your face or apply a cool compress to face or ears for an almost instant calming effect.
Sing, Hum, or Chant
The vagus nerve connects to the vocal cords and throat muscles so vibrations from humming, singing, or chanting can stimulate it. How: Spend a few minutes humming or singing in a low pitch to create resonant vibrations every day. People find chanting “Ohm” especially calming.
Ear Massage
Massaging the areas around your ears stimulates Arnold’s nerve (a branch of the vagus nerve), helping you relax. How: Gently massage the area behind your ears and around the tragus (the small cartilage near the ear canal). Alternatively, gently massage down the sides of your neck to ease tension. Repeat as needed for relaxation.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness helps us create a mental space between ourselves and our thoughts. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment, reducing cortisol levels and engaging the parasympathetic nervous system. How: Sit comfortably, focusing on your breathing. As thoughts arise, observe them without judgment and gently return your focus to your breath.
Regular Physical Activity
Consistent movement improves vagal tone, making your vagus nerve more responsive and promoting relaxation. How: Engage in activities you enjoy. Aim for around 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity per week e.g. brisk walking, light cycling, or swimming (but don’t forget muscle-strengthening activities too!)
Alternate Nostril Breathing (Nadi Shodhana)
Breathing through alternate nostrils, one side at a time, can help balance the nervous system and stimulate the vagus nerve. How: Close your right nostril with your thumb and inhale slowly through your left nostril. Then, close your left nostril with your ring finger and release your thumb to exhale through the right nostril. Switch sides for each inhale/exhale. Repeat for 2–5 minutes, focusing on a steady,
rhythmic breath.
Learning to use your body’s relaxation system (i.e. stimulating the vagus nerve) is a simple yet effective way to restore calm. Deep breathing, cold exposure, singing, mindfulness and even an ear massage can help activate our body’s natural relaxation response. Which one are you going to try today?
The Comparison Trap: Why Comparisons Never Work and How to Break Free
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. Whether scrolling through social media or watching people around us, comparisons can easily and quickly pop into our minds and leave us feeling inadequate and unhappy.
Comparing ourselves to anyone doesn’t work. It’s unfair and inaccurate because others don’t live our lives and have our experiences, thoughts, gifts or challenges. Others aren’t us – I am not you.
STOP comparing yourself to anyone. The ‘Comparison Trap’ undermines self-esteem, fuels anxiety, and distracts us from our lives and goals. When we compare ourselves to others, we highlight our perceived shortcomings and focus only on what we think we lack, diminishing our self-worth and preventing us from appreciating our unique strengths and talents.
The pressure to measure up to others’ achievements or lifestyles creates dissatisfaction and stress. That anxiety can become overwhelming, especially when comparing yourself to unrealistic standards like people in airbrushed photos on social media with perfectly shiny lives!
Comparisons can push us to pursue goals that don’t align with our true desires or values. Instead of following our life path, we might strive to meet external expectations, leading to deep dissatisfaction. Fortunately, there are ways to break free from the habit of comparison.
What Helps?
Recognise Your Triggers: Pay attention to when and why you compare yourself to others. Is it certain situations, environments, or people that trigger comparisons? Understanding what drives you can help you manage these triggers.
Curate Social Media: Social media often presents an idealised version of life. Consider curating your feed to follow accounts that inspire positivity and set boundaries to protect your mental health.
Focus on Achievements: Regularly remind yourself of your accomplishments and unique qualities. Keeping a gratitude journal or celebrating small wins can help shift your focus from what you lack to what you have.
Set Personal Goals: Set goals that align with your values and track your progress, focusing on your ambitions rather than others’ milestones.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone’s life is different, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Life is messy. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend, and challenge negative thoughts whenever they arise.
Find Inspiration in Others: Instead of comparing yourself to others, view them as sources of inspiration. Celebrate your life and the lessons you’ve learned.
Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with people who encourage and uplift you. Limit exposure to negative influences that trigger comparisons, and engage with people who appreciate you for who you are.
Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Spend time doing things you love. This can boost your self-esteem and reduce the urge to compare.
Seek Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist to develop healthier thought patterns and learn how to be more gentle, compassionate and kinder to yourself.
Comparing yourself to others is a natural tendency, but by practising self-awareness, setting personal goals, and embracing your uniqueness, you can break free from the Comparison Trap and focus on what really matters – you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Therapy Room Available Cork City
Therapy Room Available for Rent in Cork City Centre Medical Centre
Features:
Therapy room in a well-established medical centre
Comfortable waiting area
Secure entrance ensuring privacy and safety
Full Week Licence
Ideal consulting room or office for an established therapist:
Podiatrist/Chiropodist
Nutritionist/Dietician
Reflexologist
Dermatologist
Dietician
Alternative Medicine Practitioner
Benefits:
Join a professional and supportive environment
Enhance your practice with a prime location
Cater to people in a relaxing and professional setting
City Centre location with public transport and car parks nearby
Contact us today to schedule a viewing.
Make this therapy room your new professional sanctuary!
Email your queries to: hello@carolinecrotty.ie or send an sms to 0877107032
Therapy Room Available for Rent in Prestigious Medical Centre: Ideal for podiatrists or therapeutic practitioners, this centrally located clinic room features a comfortable waiting room and secure entrance, ensuring privacy and safety. Located in a well-established medical centre, it offers the option for long-term rent.
Join a professional and supportive environment, enhance your practice with a prime location, and cater for people in a relaxing, professional setting.
Contact us today to schedule a viewing and discuss rental options.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Managing Anxiety
Everyone experiences anxiety at times, like before an interview or an exam, or when facing something unknown. In moderate amounts, anxiety can be useful, keeping us focused and motivated. However, when anxiety becomes persistent or overwhelming, it stops being beneficial and can significantly disrupt daily life.
Anxiety manifests through various symptoms, which can be categorised as psychological (such as restlessness and excessive worry) and physical (including increased heart rate, insomnia, and tension headaches).
Sometimes, anxiety feels like a persistent worry or fear that doesn’t subside, even in the absence of immediate danger. It’s akin to an internal alarm that sounds too frequently without any clear or obvious trigger. This false alarm can lead to feelings of nervousness, restlessness, or tension and physical reactions such as a racing heart, sweating, shaking, or dizziness. It’s like a fleet of fire engines responding to an apartment block for burnt toast!
Incorporating natural strategies into daily routines can significantly mitigate the impact of anxiety. These methods include:
Physical Activity: Regular exercise is a powerful anxiety reliever. It releases neurotransmitters such as endorphins and endocannabinoids, enhancing our well-being. Activities like jogging, swimming, or cycling improve sleep and also utilise the stress hormones released during anxious states, promoting both mental and physical health.
Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices encourage living in the present moment and observing thoughts and feelings without judgment, which can aid in emotional regulation and stress reduction.
Dietary Adjustments: Managing caffeine and sugar intake/consumption can improve anxiety levels and have an overall positive impact on our health.
Sleep: Anxiety can disrupt sleep, and poor sleep can exacerbate anxiety. Establishing a relaxing bedtime routine and ensuring a comfortable sleep environment are essential for improving sleep quality and managing anxiety.
Breathing Techniques: Diaphragmatic breathing, which focuses on deep, even breaths, can help calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety. Practising these techniques when calm to prepare for stressful situations is beneficial.
Nature: Spending time outdoors can lower stress levels, reduce rumination, and enhance mood due to nature’s calming effects.
Journaling: Writing about our thoughts and feelings can help organise them and reduce anxiety by providing a way to identify and address worries.
Aromatherapy: Certain scents, such as lavender, are known for their calming effects. Engaging other senses with calming music, soft fabrics, or a comforting shower can also help soothe anxiety.
Social Support: Building a network of friends and family can provide a sense of belonging and security, reducing feelings of isolation and anxiety.
I say this all the time but please start with baby steps in the right direction. Be patient with yourself. Praising yourself and others can boost morale every day.
For a comprehensive approach to managing anxiety, consult with mental health professionals such as psychologists or your healthcare practice nurse in addition to your General Practitioner. Talking about your worries is a crucial step in managing anxiety effectively.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
anxiety strategies
Anxiety is like having a persistent worry or fear that doesn’t go away easily, even if there’s no immediate danger. It’s a bit like having an alarm inside you that goes off too often, and sometimes, there might be no clear reason. That alarm can make you feel nervous, restless, or tense. It can affect your body, causing things like a racing heart, sweating, physically shaking or feeling wobbly. It’s kind of like a fleet of fire engines coming to your home when there’s no fire – sometimes anxiety is a physiological reaction that does not match the situation.
Everyone feels anxious from time to time, like before an interview or a test or when facing something unknown. That’s when anxiety is positive – it keeps us focused. Feeling anxious is our body’s natural response to stress. Anxiety often manifests through symptoms like restlessness, excessive worry, and physical signs such as increased heart rate or insomnia.
Incorporating natural strategies into daily routines can significantly mitigate anxiety’s impact. Natural methods to manage anxiety and its symptoms include the following but it’s important to explore a variety of strategies to find what works best for you as an individual.
Physical activity is a powerful anxiety reliever. Regular exercise helps release endorphins, natural brain chemicals that can enhance our sense of well-being. Exercise improves our sleep and reduces stress. Aerobic exercises like jogging, swimming, or walking can be effective.
Mindfulness practices encourage living in the present moment and observing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Meditation can help with emotional regulation and reducing stress levels.
Diet has an impact on mental health. Reducing caffeine and sugar intake can help manage anxiety levels and have an overall positive impact on our bodies and minds.
Anxiety can disrupt sleep and poor sleep can exacerbate anxiety. Establishing a regular, relaxing bedtime routine and ensuring a comfortable sleep environment can improve sleep quality, helping manage anxiety.
Techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, where you focus on deep, even breaths, can help calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety. Practice when calm for use when anxious.
Spending time in nature can lower stress levels. Nature’s calming effect on the mind is associated with reduced rumination and enhanced mood.
Writing can provide an outlet for expressing what’s on your mind and may help to reduce anxiety by organising thoughts and finding solutions.
Certain scents, like lavender, have been found to have a calming effect. Feed your senses to feel more calm. Feed your main senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, touch) by using calming music, aromas you enjoy, having soft fabrics on your skin etc.
Building a support network of friends and family can provide a sense of belonging and security, reducing feelings of isolation and anxiety.
These suggestions offer a holistic approach to reducing stress and anxiety. Start small by taking baby steps in the right direction!
Incorporating these natural strategies can provide relief from anxiety and its symptoms. Be patient with yourself. Praise yourself for everything you do. They may not be a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment so please consult with a healthcare provider for a comprehensive approach to managing anxiety.
Springtime symbolises renewal and growth, a theme deeply embedded in our consciousness and reflected in numerous cultural and literary references (Ref). We only have to think of the word ‘Spring’, and we can conjure images of lambs frolicking in the fields or the return of birds from their winter migration, or some of us might consider this the time to do a ‘spring clean’.
Coming from the darkness of winter into the promise Spring’s brightness, March is hopeful. The dark can symbolise despair, hopelessness or fear. In contrast, brightness can denote light, positivity and joy. March is not just a transition on the calendar, it represents rejuvenation. The metaphor of Spring as a time of renewal is prevalent in literature, even watching little bulbs force their way through the ground denotes change is afoot – positive change.
Academic studies across various domains have examined the impact of seasonal changes, including the effects of diminished light on sleep, Vitamin D levels, exercise and overall wellbeing. Springtime brings with it a sense of relief after the dark winter months and it is culturally and psychologically associated with rebirth, renewal, and new beginnings. Research has identified a seasonal pattern in mood variations, correlated with light exposure (Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD). As daylight increases, there is a reported improvement in mood and energy levels for some people.
The end of winter/start of Spring provides respite from the dreariness of shorter days and the confinement of colder/wetter weather. Springtime can provide increased feelings of energy and a brighter outlook. Physical activity can be easier to undertake when we have longer daylight hours and, as we know, cardio contributes to our overall sense of well-being. The opportunity to engage with nature has been linked to reduced levels of stress, improved mood, and enhanced cognitive function. Whether it is placebo or connected with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), feeling relieved and pleased that March and Spring/Springtime have arrived is wonderful!
Springtime can be a powerful catalyst for people seeking to embark on new endeavours or to refresh their commitments to ongoing wellbeing goals. Personally, I find it easier and more pleasant to walk when the weather is fine, and the evenings are bright and I’m sure I’m not alone in that thinking.
To make the most of the seasonal shift, it can be beneficial to embrace the changes that come with Springtime. March is an excellent time to start outdoor exercise routines, which can improve physical and emotional health. Use the energy of renewal to cultivate new, healthy habits or to break cycles that are no longer beneficial.
Time in nature can help reset our internal clocks and provide the sensory stimulation we have missed during winter. March and spring offers more than just a change in the weather, it brings a psychological and physical respite from the winter and an opportunity for renewal and growth.
March is a time to celebrate the resilience of the human spirit as we emerge from the dark and cold into the warmth and light of springtime. Embrace the potential that March promises for rejuvenation and for personal change.
What could you do this March that will be of benefit to you, that you’ll be proud of once completed?
Remember 17th March – St. Patrick’s Day is a vibrant testament to the Irish. On this day every year, people throughout the world celebrate our Irish culture. The spirit of inclusion that permeates St Patrick’s Day celebrations is a poignant reminder that our diversity is our strength. Support your local parade, wear green, find some shamrock – celebrate our great nation and smile at everyone you meet – for the month of March (and beyond)!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Your Future Self
Write a Letter to Your Future Self
Every February, I joke that An Post staff will be wrecked because of me! Having to haul all those Valentine’s cards and flowers and gifts on the 14th February! I’m sure they’ll have to work overtime to cope! Of course, I am joking! We have a tradition in our household that my mom posts Valentine’s cards (perhaps mom thinks I don’t recognise her handwriting or simply because mom knows it’s nice to receive a card on Valentine’s Day).
This month, why not post a card to someone? It doesn’t have to be a Valentine’s card, but if it is…I’m sure you’ll make that person’s day!
As far as I know, February is named in honour of a festival in ancient Rome, believed to purify the city whilst promoting health and fertility. February is a short month, and I often think that the good intentions (new year’s resolutions) are forgotten by February or they’re part of healthy routines. ‘Well done’ if you’re in the latter group.
If you have never done this, perhaps you might write a letter to your future self? Sit down and commit your words to paper – don’t just think about what you might write, actually write! Allow yourself the time. This is a good exercise for our future selves. This exercise is not about looking back in time and reminiscing about our mistakes, this is to challenge yourself to examine what you might do differently, what do you want for your future self. Set your intentions to paper.
Each of us has experience, advice and knowledge that we might tend to ignore because we are caught up with life and and the day-to-day grind. You might answer the question ‘what advice would I give to someone else in my shoes?’ As humans we are great to give advice but might not be that open to putting it into practice ourselves.
Perhaps you might want your future self to be a painter or have stopped spending so much or to have forged strong friendships or to live with particular values or live a life full of meaning which we know breeds contentment. We will each write something unique.
Whether you are twenty or eighty – write the letter!
Enjoy February! Be your own Valentine and treat yourself!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Mental Health Challenges
Mental Health Challenges
We all have a limit. In my experience, we can be pushed to that limit emotionally when life’s challenges start to pile up (rather like bricks in Jenga) when issues or challenges pile up, one on top of the other.
Life is messy, cruel and unfair. Terrible things happen to lovely people, but when we don’t tackle our problems as they arrive and if we keep them secret, it can lead to feeling worse in the long run. Try talking about whatever is on your mind with someone you trust in confidence. When we prioritise our mental health all the time, then we potentially avert challenges in the long run.
Ensuring that we safeguard our mental health is as important as looking after our physical health. Whether we are dealing with stress, anxiety, depression or feeling tired and flat emotionally, there are strategies we can use to improve how we feel.
Some evidence-based approaches to help cope with difficult times are:
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of focusing your attention on the present moment without judgment. It can help reduce stress and anxiety by increasing self-awareness and improving emotional regulation. Research has shown that mindfulness-based interventions can effectively treat a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders (see Kabat-Zinn). I’m not sure we can ever silence our minds completely but we can give ourselves a focus like listening to the sounds around us, watching birds in the sky, noticing our breath and breathing and when a thought pops into our minds we can return our focus to our breath for example and how it feels as it enters our bodies. That’s a good starting point for developing mindfulness. we might take a mindful walk and admire the trees or colours around us and be mindful of what we are eating and how our food tastes. Some people find mindfulness in music – do whatever works best for you.
Regular Exercise: Exercise is not just good for physical health but it’s imperative for our mental health. Regular physical activity has been linked to improved mood, reduced stress and anxiety, and increased self-esteem. Studies have found that exercise can be an effective treatment for depression and can help prevent its recurrence
Sufficient Sleep: Sleep is essential for both physical and mental health. Lack of sleep can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and depression and increase stress levels. It is recommended that adults get 7-8 hours of sleep per night to maintain optimal health and well-being.
Eat a Balanced Diet: What you eat can impact your mental health. A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins can reduce the risk of depression and anxiety. Eat brightly coloured fruits and veg, nuts and all the things we know are healthy for us.
Connect with Others: Social connections are important for mental health and well-being. People who have strong social support systems are better able to cope with stress and are less likely to experience depression and anxiety (including in adolescence). Make time to connect with family and friends, and consider joining a support group or seeking professional counselling or psychotherapy if needed.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Negative thoughts and negative self-talk can contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that can help people identify and challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs and replace them with more positive or compassionate thoughts. CBT has been found to be effective in treating a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders.
Practice Self-Care: Taking time for yourself and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation can help reduce stress and improve mental health. Examples of self-care activities include taking a bath, making time to exercise, reading a book, or practicing yoga.
In conclusion, there are many evidence-based strategies that can help improve mental health and well-being. Practicing mindfulness, exercise regularly, getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, connecting with others, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing self-care are effective ways to cope with stress, anxiety, or depression and to improve your mood generally. If you are struggling with mental health issues, it is important to seek professional help from a qualified mental health professional.
Help is at hand – here are some mental health supports (27.02.2024)
Why You Might Feel Worse After a Therapy Session (and Why That’s Okay)
Have you ever left a therapy session feeling worse than when you started? If so, you’re not alone, which doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. This post explores why that might happen, what it means, and how to support yourself.
Therapy is often seen as a path to healing, growth and emotional wellbeing. But it’s not uncommon to feel worse before feeling better. Recently, a young man shared after our session that he expected to feel better but instead he actually felt worse. His experience inspired this blog – to explore why that can happen and to offer guidance for anyone feeling the same. I understand how disheartening it can be to leave a therapy session with heavy emotions still lingering and I hope to explain why it might happen.
Uncovering Deep-Seated Emotions
Therapy often involves exploring issues that have been buried for years. When emotions like grief, trauma or anger are brought to the surface, that can feel overwhelming. This emotional release is part of the healing process but it’s natural to feel discomfort as you begin to work through it.
Challenging Long-Held Beliefs
Talk therapy helps identify and gently challenge unhelpful thought patterns. Questioning beliefs that may have provided comfort or structure can feel destabilising. Letting go of familiar but limiting ways of thinking is a bit like learning a new instrument or changing your golf swing unfamiliar at first, but ultimately beneficial (or liberating).
Facing Difficult Realities
Therapy often brings clarity about relationships, behaviours or past experiences and that can sometimes feel painful. Recognising patterns that no longer serve you or facing truths you may have avoided can feel like waking a sleeping bear. Difficult, yes but necessary for meaningful change.
Between-Session Work
Many therapeutic approaches include between-session practices such as journaling, reflection or trying new behaviours. This can take emotional energy and mental space, which might feel exhausting especially when already managing a full and busy life.
Temporary Intensification of Symptoms
Sometimes, bringing difficult feelings into awareness may cause a short-term increase in sadness, anxiety or physical tension. These responses are part of emotional processing and often signal that important inner work is taking place – that change is happening.
Progress Takes Time
Therapy doesn’t provide instant answers. Frustration or disappointment can arise when change feels slower than expected. In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to hope for a quick fix, but therapy is about depth and that takes time.
Blockages and Defence Mechanisms
We all use defence mechanisms like denial, distraction or intellectualising to protect ourselves from emotional pain. Therapy can gently challenge these. When that happens, it may feel uncomfortable or even distressing, but working through these blockages is essential for healing and growth.
How to Support Yourself Between Sessions
Talk to Your Therapist
Be honest about how you’re feeling. Just like that young man mentioned how he was feeling to me – talk to your therapist who will want to understand your experience and can help you make sense of it. Sometimes people smile or laugh during sessions, even when discussing painful topics, using humour as a form of protection. But unless you say how you’re really feeling, your therapist might not know.
Practise Self-Compassion
Growth and change take time. Feeling unsettled does not mean you’re doing something wrong. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the effort you’re making. The work you’re doing matters.
Set Realistic Expectations
Therapy is rarely a straight path or linear. Celebrate small steps forward and know that setbacks are part of the process. Difficult conversations might need to be revisited more than once and that’s okay.
Build a Support System
Talk to trusted friends or confidential family members. Support outside of therapy appointments can help you to feel steadier and also remind you that you’re not going through this alone.
Engage in Self-Care
Take care of yourself in ways that feel nourishing and nurturing. Whether that’s going for a walk, listening to music, making a favourite meal or doing something creative – give yourself permission to slow down and regroup.
Evaluate the Therapeutic Fit
If you regularly leave counselling or psychotherapy sessions feeling worse and see no progress over time, it may be worth reflecting on whether the current therapeutic approach or therapist is the right fit. A conversation with your therapist can also help clarify this.
When to Seek Additional Support
If you feel overwhelmed between sessions, don’t wait in silence. Reach out to a trusted GP, crisis line or mental health professional. You are not alone and help is always available.
A Final Word
Feeling worse after therapy doesn’t mean you’re failing – it often means something important is shifting. Therapy asks you to be brave and honest which can stir up strong feelings. By naming those feelings, leaning into support and trusting the process, you’re laying the groundwork for lasting change.
Every step counts. Even when it’s hard, you’re moving forward. Be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Have you experienced mixed feelings during therapy? I’d love to hear how you felt after a session or what surprised you most. I’m very grateful to the young man who inspired this post by sharing his disappointment at feeling sad/flat/low after opening up.
If you’d like to explore therapy or learn more, please feel free to contact me.
From Festive Fervour to Fresh Starts – living with intention is a healthy objective for 2024
I am amused when someone asks, ‘Caroline, what are your plans for Christmas?” in September. We spend so long arranging Christmas, and it’s over in the blink of an eye! We look forward to the new year, our annual fresh start…yet months fly past so quickly, and here we are again at Christmas and New Year.
Christmas comes and goes. Take time to chill and relax despite the festive busyness. Amidst the clinking of glasses, vegetable peeling, cream whipping or the chorus of carols, find time to breathe deeply and ground yourself in the present moment. Take off your socks and walk on grass or sand and feel the sea on your feet. You can only be in the moment when the sea’s on your skin!
Christmas does not have to be centred around spending money. Embrace the joy of giving/receiving homemade gifts, knowing that the love infused in them outweighs shop-purchased products. Give something you’ve lovingly made, baked, or created, e.g., a card, cake, painting, or a Spotify playlist.
The list of homemade presents you can lovingly create and gift is endless. Send loving kindness and thoughts of health and vitality to people you haven’t seen in a while – post a card, email, or phone and arrange to reconnect (while you have the chance).
After Christmas, when the decorations and the house are cleared and your guests have departed, sit with the silence, and let gratitude fill the space where laughter and conversations recently lingered.
Make time to pause, rest, and reflect. Post-Christmas days allow the potential for personal insight. If you’re feeling sad or feeling lonely, it signifies the wonderful time you’ve had or post-holiday melancholy.Take comfort in knowing you’ve enjoyed yourself.
Take time to acknowledge 2023. Make space for introspection and prepare for what lies ahead in 2024. Journal about the learning and events of 2023, parts of which you’ll wish to bring into 2024, some of which perhaps you’d rather forget.
January is about taking baby steps in the right direction towards achieving your objectives. Make time for calm and reflection at the end of the year, and rather than resolutions, write your intentions for 2024. How do you hope to feel, or what would you like to achieve? It might be to play the ukulele, learn a language, or understand Quantum Physics. Write the plan for achieving your intentions and your mental, physical, and emotional wellness practices in 2024. Write about how you will feel when you achieve your dreams/goals/intentions.
Choose one habit you wish to cultivate and link it to an existing routine for better adherence. You might decide that relaxation will become part of your 2024 daily routine. Every time you enter the kitchen, inhale as slowly and deeply as you can through your nose. Hold that breath for a few seconds before exhaling slowly through your mouth – your new relaxation habit has officially begun!
This holiday season, may you find a balance between celebration and solitude, action and reflection.
Wishing you a season of serenity and a new year of living with intention.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Mental Health Challenges
Self-Help and Coping Strategies for Mental Health Challenges in Adolescents and Adults
What is mental health?
Mental health refers to a person’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act, and it also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Good mental health is not just the absence of mental health problems, it is also the ability to maintain balanced mental and emotional well-being.
Mental Health Challenges
It is important to acknowledge that mental health is a continuum, and everyone’s experience is unique. A mental health challenge refers to any condition or situation that affects an individual’s mental well-being and hinders their ability to function effectively in daily life. These challenges can range from common issues like stress, anxiety, and mood fluctuations to conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Common Mental Health Challenges
Mental health challenges can impact a person’s thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and overall quality of life, and they may require various forms of treatment and support for management and recovery.
For adolescents, mental health challenges often stem from academic pressure, social dynamics, and significant life changes. Conversely, adults may face stress from work, relationships, financial responsibilities, and parenting.
Both age groups can experience a range of issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, and mood fluctuations. Recognising the signs and symptoms is the first step towards managing them.
Coping Strategies and Self-Help Techniques
Mindfulness and Meditation
Adolescents: Simple mindfulness exercises, such as mindful breathing during study breaks, can be integrated into daily routines.
Adults: Longer meditation sessions can help manage work-related stress and improve focus.
Exercise
Adolescents: Engaging in sports or outdoor activities is an excellent outlet for stress and helps improve mood.
Adults: Regular exercise, whether a gym session or a brisk walk, is crucial for mental and physical well-being.
Healthy Social Connections
Adolescents: Building strong friendships and having a trusted peer group is essential for emotional support.
Adults: Maintaining relationships, whether with friends, family, or colleagues, provides a support network that is invaluable during challenging times (allow them to help you!).
Both groups: spending time with people who make us feel good is beneficial for our mental health. Connection is a pillar of our wellbeing. As adolescents, our peers are paramount and we want to feel accepted. Allow friends to help you – spending time in their company is great. The temptation might be to cut ourselves off when not feeling great but instead, force yourself to do the right thing which is hang out with others. Not having to answer questions or even to speak, and simply being in the company of others is healthy and helpful.
Journaling and Creative Outlets
Adolescents: Journaling or engaging in creative activities such as art or music (playing, listening, singing, creating playlists etc) can help adolescents express emotions.
Adults: Creative hobbies or writing can be therapeutic, providing a break from daily routines and a way to process thoughts and feelings.
Balanced Lifestyle
Adolescents: Establishing a routine that includes time for study, relaxation, and prioritising sleep is crucial.
Adults: Work-life balance is crucial. Ensure to carve out time for relaxation and hobbies and again prioritise sleep.
Professional Help
Both Groups: Seeking help from a mental health professional is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy (with a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist) can provide tailored strategies for individual challenges.
Both Groups: Educating oneself about mental health challenges can demystify many aspects and help reduce stigma. Asking for help, knowing what is going on in one’s body/mind and managing symptoms can help give a greater sense of control. Everything changes and it is vital to keep hope for that change and improvement in mood. Keeping our brains active is also healthy for our long-term brain health. Stress Control Court from the HSE using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is available here here
Coping strategies for mental health challenges are not a one-size-fits-all, and what works for me might not work for you. Keep at it and you will find what best suits your individual needs. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and taking proactive steps to manage it is crucial for a fulfilling life.
“I alone can do it but I cannot do it alone”.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not substitute professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.*
www.carolinecrotty.ie
End & Start of Year
From Festive Fervour to Fresh Starts
I am always amused when someone asks, ‘What are your plans for Christmas?” …in September. We spend so long arranging Christmas, and then it’s over in the blink of an eye! We look forward to the end of the year, and the months fly by so quickly. Here we are again, almost at Christmas, and soon it will be another New Year.
This Christmas will come and go. Take time to rest and relax despite the festive busyness. Amidst the clinking of glasses, vegetable peeling, cream whipping or the chorus of carols, try to make the time to breathe deeply and ground yourself in the present moment. Take off your socks, walk on grass or travel to the beach, walk barefoot on the sand and feel the sea on your feet. You can only be in the present moment when the Irish sea is on your skin!
Christmas does not have to be centred around spending money. Embrace the joy of giving and receiving homemade gifts – the love infused in them outweighs shop-purchased products. Give something you have lovingly made, baked, or created, e.g., a card or cake, a painting, or a Spotify playlist. The list of homemade presents you can create and gift is endless. Send loving kindness and thoughts of health and vitality to people you may not have seen in a while – why not post a card, email, or phone and arrange to reconnect (while you have the chance).
After Christmas, when the decorations and the house are cleared and your guests have departed, sit with the silence and let gratitude fill the space where laughter and conversations recently lingered. Make time to pause, rest, and reflect. Post-Christmas days allow the potential for personal insight. If you’re feeling sad or lonely, it can signify the wonderful time you’ve had or ‘post-holiday melancholy’. Take comfort in knowing you’ve enjoyed yourself.
If Christmas is lonely, which it is for many, remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel however you feel. Then do something that helps you improve your mood. Perhaps you might arrange to go somewhere new for a change of scenery. Rest assured that Christmas will be finished in a day so you might light a candle for people you miss, for those who cannot be with you at Christmas. Keep them in mind and reminisce on the lovely times you’ve had together (which is why you miss them).
Take time to acknowledge 2023. Make space for introspection and prepare for what lies ahead in 2024. Journal about the learning and events of 2023, parts of which you can bring into 2024, some of which perhaps you’d rather forget.
Make time for calm and reflection at the end of the year, and rather than resolutions, write your intentions for 2024. January is about taking baby steps in the right direction towards achieving your objectives for the future. How do you hope to feel, or what would you like to achieve? It might be to play the ukulele, learn a language, or understand Quantum Physics. Write the plan for achieving your intentions and mental, physical, and emotional wellness practices in 2024. Write about how you will feel when you achieve your dreams/goals/intentions.
Choose one habit you wish to cultivate in the new year and link it to an existing routine for better adherence. You might decide that relaxation will become part of your 2024 daily routine. Every time you enter the kitchen, inhale as slowly and deeply as you can through your nose. Hold that breath for a few seconds before exhaling slowly through your mouth – your relaxation habit has begun!
May you find a balance between celebration and solitude, action and reflection.
Here’s wishing you a season of serenity and a new year of living with intention.
Bridging the Gap: The Benefits of Integrating Online and In-Person Therapy
At Caroline Crotty Counselling and Psychotherapy Cork, we provide compassionate support to adults and adolescents. Our services are distinguished by a unique combination of online and in-person therapy sessions, offering unparalleled flexibility to suit your needs.
Online therapy enables access to counselling and psychotherapy from the comfort of your home, a vital resource for people with mobility challenges, living in remote areas, or with demanding schedules. Online appointments ensure that geographical location is not a barrier to receiving high-quality care.
Conversely, our in-person sessions offer the irreplaceable value of face-to-face interaction within a safe and confidential space. It’s a sanctuary where you can disconnect from the outside world.
Understanding that everyone’s needs differ, we pride ourselves on customising our approach to emotional health. Whether you opt for weekly online check-ins with monthly face-to-face appointments or prefer a different arrangement, we accommodate your lifestyle and preferences to ensure effective and consistent care.
Our hybrid approach guarantees continuity of care. Whether your life involves travel or relocation, your therapeutic progress remains uninterrupted. Rest assured that the standard of support and care you expect from us will follow you, no matter where life takes you.
In conclusion, Caroline Crotty’s integrated therapy services are transformative for those seeking emotional support. If you’re ready to embark on a more fulfilling life, we invite you to reach out. Discover how this innovative approach can be tailored just for you.
Therapy is a space where all topics are welcome – nothing is taboo – and where the act of starting the therapeutic process itself can be a transformative experience.
Embarking on therapy, whether it is virtual or face-to-face, marks a courageous step toward personal growth, healing, and enhanced wellbeing. To schedule an initial session or if you have any questions, please get in touch with us at hello@carolinecrotty.ie
Many people know about ADHD, yet it’s often misunderstood. Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurodevelopmental condition characterised by a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity, which can interfere with daily living. It’s not just hyperactive boys like Bart Simpson – it can be the person sitting next to you in the coffee shop or a colleague who is a daydreamer!
I think that the title ADHD is a misnomer in that it’s not a deficit of attention, and not everyone diagnosed is hyperactive. ADHD involves a range of attention, impulsivity, and executive function challenges.
Typically, when adults seek an ADHD diagnosis, it can mean they have encountered difficulties in life. While ADHD may be noticed in childhood, it’s not something people typically outgrow. For some adults, ADHD indicators become more apparent with age. These indicators can manifest as impulsivity or a lack of focus on work, education, relationships or challenges with daily responsibilities.
Adults with ADHD may experience frustration due to forgetfulness, difficulty managing tasks or household chores, paying bills, or meeting adult obligations. This can lead to inconsistent performance and/or underachievement at work or in education and frequent job changes resulting in stress, frustration, anxiousness, guilt, and worry – all of which negatively impact general well-being.
For diagnosis purposes, ADHD is categorised into three main presentations:
Inattentive –forgetfulness, distractibility, careless mistakes, appearing not to listen, or challenges with organising activities and sustaining attention.
Hyperactive-Impulsive – people primarily exhibit hyperactive and impulsive behaviours without significant inattention. They may struggle to sit still, wait their turn, engage in quiet activities, or think before acting or speaking.
Combined – the presence of symptoms from both inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity categories above.
The cause of ADHD is unknown. It is likely due to a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental influences interacting with the brain’s neurobiology.
Treatment for ADHD includes a combination of behavioural interventions psychoeducation, and some people take prescription medication. Only psychiatrists can prescribe medication after diagnosing ADHD. Clinical Psychologists can diagnose ADHD, but in Ireland, they do not prescribe medication.
Adults often benefit from attending talking therapies for support following an adult ADHD diagnosis. It’s common to feel conflicted or sad that ADHD was not recognised earlier in life. However, an adult ADHD diagnosis can bring relief and validation, helping people understand that their challenges are real, not a result of laziness or inattention. An ADHD diagnosis can help explain why people have felt on the outside or periphery of friends, work, and life.
While coping with ADHD may present challenges, it’s essential to remember that it is manageable. It’s beneficial to learn about ADHD, its impact, and strategies that help the individual. What helps one person may not be unilaterally beneficial.
Structured daily routines provide predictability and can help people stay on track. Daily activities, food preparation, breaks, meals, exercise, and sleep can all be included in a daily planner, which helps to keep the day and person organised.
In educational settings, scheduling lecture times, locations and module assignment due dates or exams ahead of time can prevent surprises (shocks) later in the semester.
Regular exercise is beneficial, and not only does it help with sleep, but it is utilising energy and getting hearts pumping. Physical activity plays a role in increasing dopamine and norepinephrine levels in the brain improving mood and attention.
Use to-do lists, calendars, tools and apps that help organise tasks into manageable steps. Rumination and procrastination are common difficulties, but even a 10-minute effort can make a difference in productivity. Doing something related to the task at hand is more productive than doing nothing. Doing two minutes of something when feeling very stuck helps get a person started and off the block. As Calvert said, “An imperfect something is better than a perfect nothing.”
Time management techniques, like the Pomodoro Technique, setting timers, and creating schedules can help people stay organised and focused.
Mindfulness meditation and relaxation techniques can reduce stress, improve focus, and enhance impulse control.
Maintaining a balanced diet with regular meals and healthy snacks is essential. Reducing sugar and processed foods can help stabilise energy levels and mood.
A consistent sleep schedule is crucial, as sleep deprivation can exacerbate ADHD symptoms. Get to bed and get up at the same time every day. Do not lie on your bed to read, think, or worry – the bed is for adult fun and sleep only.
Joining ADHD support groups can provide a sense of community and a platform for sharing experiences, strategies, and advice. Useful supports are available here:
Therapists specialising in ADHD can offer personalised strategies and individual support.
Seeking accommodations at work or in educational settings, such as extended exam time, preferential seating, or assistive technology (AT), can help.
Creating a clutter-free environment can help minimise distractions and support focus when studying or completing work or tasks.
Recognising and effectively communicating individual needs to others can ensure people receive the support and understanding necessary for managing ADHD.
ADHD is a lifelong condition, but with practical strategies and personalised approaches, its challenges can be navigated successfully. As individuals age, they may not be as bouncy or impulsive, but being aware of needs and challenges helps maintain physical health and keep a calm mind.
In short, we can react differently to an adult ADHD diagnosis. It can be a relief or quite sad or both! Structured daily routines provide predictability and help people stay on track. Daily chores, food prep, break times, meals, classes, sleep, gym, meeting friends – everything can be included in a daily planner, which helps track everything and shows where people are expected to be and when! Intentionally increasing heart rate via cardio and intentionally decreasing heart rate via relaxation techniques are excellent for everyone (not only people with ADHD). Talk about how you are feeling amongst friends or seek the support of an ADHD group or therapist. You are the same you – you now have more information about yourself following an adult ADHD diagnosis.
www.carolinecrotty.
Coping with Anxiety
Anxiety can cause feelings of worry, fear, and unease and interfere with daily life. If you’re struggling with symptoms of anxiety, you’re not alone. It’s part of being human but the challenges can be more profound for some rather than others.
There are some steps you can take to manage your stress and improve your overall mental health.
Caroline Crotty works as a counsellor and psychotherapist, and daily, someone says they are feeling poorly because of ‘anxiety’.
Here are some coping strategies and techniques that work:
Practice deep breathing: When feeling anxious our breathing can become shallow and rapid. Practising deep breathing can help us slow down our breathing and calm our minds. Try inhaling deeply, holding your breath for a couple of seconds, and exhale slowly and for longer than you inhaled. This will slow down your heart rate.
Get moving: For you to improve symptoms and feelings of anxiety, stress or panic get your heart rate up through cardio – you don’t even have to join a gym – dance in the kitchen or sitting room. Go up and down your stairs. Shake it off as advised by Taylor Swift – get your body moving. It will help you to utilise the stress hormones in your system and you’ll never regret an outdoor walk or a work out!
Challenge negative thoughts: Feeling anxious can often fuelled by negative thoughts and beliefs. Challenge these thoughts by asking whether the thoughts and doubts are realistic or if there’s evidence to support them. Try to reframe negative thoughts into more positive ones. Recount your successes.
Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself is important for managing the symptoms of anxiety. This can include things like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, hydrating with water and doing things that bring you joy with people who are easy to be with.
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and learn to accept them without getting caught up in them.
Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend, family member, psychotherapist or counsellor can be helpful for managing anxiety. They can offer support, guidance, and perspective.
Remember that managing the symptoms of stress, panic or anxiety takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.
If you’re struggling and need support, please reach out to a qualified therapist or mental health professional. You don’t have to go through this alone.
If you have any questions about counselling and psychotherapy or want to schedule an appointment, please contact Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy at hello@carolinecrotty.ie
College
The 2023 college term is well underway by now. Here are some reminders on navigating this life transition for parents and students facing the challenges of starting college life.
Parents may experience mixed emotions. On the one hand, feeling proud that their child has started college, but it’s very human to feel sad or anxious about how they’ll settle in. Not having your child at home, especially if they’ve moved away, is often referred to as the ’empty nest’ feeling which refers to the grief of parents experience when their child has gone. It’s typical and what might help is to keep yourself busy doing other things now that you have time on your hands – perhaps take up a hobby or involve yourself locally in charitable or community work.
When your child has gone off to college, let them know you’re still there to help and listen, despite geographic distance. Your parenting role isn’t finished, it’s evolving. You’ll continue to provide support even while living apart.
College is a time for personal growth and self-discovery. Find ways to stay connected through sms text, social media, phone calls, video chats, or planned visits. Assure your child that staying connected provides comfort and reassurance to you, not just to them. Involvement levels in families vary, so do whatever works best for you while supporting your child in this new emerging-adult stage of development.
Colleges have various supports for new students and student welfare. Encourage your child to explore peer support, counselling, or student support services particularly if they are struggling with the change.
Validate your child’s feelings of excitement, stress or uncertainty about college. It’s a significant life event so having mixed feelings about moving away, meeting new people, or tackling new challenges is to be expected. It can be exhilarating and exhausting – all rolled into one.
Encourage open dialogue and be honest about your concerns when you don’t hear from them or whenever you receive short text responses (like a thumbs up after you’ve sent an essay-length text!). Establish clear communication expectations.
College is challenging for parents and (adult) children.
Starting third-level education is daunting because teenagers may be uncertain about their chosen course, changing friendships, leaving home, meeting new people and chat about what they might expect in general. Be patient, expect stress and angst, and avoid imposing excessive expectations on them. They will make mistakes so remember to be their support system, and not a judge and jury. Pause before reacting, file away anything you hear that causes you to react so you can effectively and importantly keep the lines of communication open.
Discuss academic expectations and responsibilities. Help them set realistic goals. Explain that college grading systems differ from secondary school. They must strive to do their best and be pleased when they put in a good effort regardless of grades. Encourage full attendance at lectures because knowledge is absorbed through engagement.
Homesickness is common. Having a plan in place can help. Encourage your child to arrange meet-ups with friends or family, join societies, or participate in local activities. Being busy is better than being bored!
Empower your child to care for themselves by teaching basic life skills like cooking and laundry. Help them develop independence by showing them how to use the washing machine, budget effectively, and plan their schedules. They can’t expect to be everywhere at once – and lots of fun isn’t always conducive to retaining information for exams.
Encourage your child to create a schedule of assignment deadlines, lecture times, and labs/tutorials so they are less likely to miss any deadline and they also know where they are expected to be and when. Encourage them to diary time for self-care routines which will be beneficial when it comes to managing stress at exam times.
Lastly, foster open communication about feelings and worries. Share your thoughts and encourage your child to do the same. You are their ally. You want them to turn to you when they have something on their mind. Be open to them.
Do not burden them with your worries but keep lines of communication open. Explain that regardless of how bad they might feel particularly at night, feelings change just like the Irish weather. Feelings are not concrete. Feelings are not facts!
Affirm and praise them and yourself!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Alcohol
Alcohol use (and abuse) is significant in Ireland. It is intertwined with our culture and integral to both celebration and mourning.
However, it is important to acknowledge alcohol has a potentially harmful impact on our health. Consumption rates in Europe are notably high, with alcohol being the third leading risk factor for disease and mortality after tobacco and high blood pressure. Given its cultural significance, there may be a lack of awareness or disregard for the negative consequences of alcohol use due to its deep-rooted presence in Irish heritage.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with alcohol is vital for our overall health and well-being, considering the extensive detrimental effects that can arise from alcohol misuse.
Identifiable risk factors associated with developing problematic drinking include starting alcohol consumption at a young age, having a family history of alcohol abuse, experiencing childhood trauma, being surrounded by heavy drinkers or having ADHD. Alcohol dependence is characterised by an inability to control or stop drinking despite being aware of its negative consequences. It can manifest in various forms, ranging from occasional binge drinking to heavy daily consumption. Common signs of alcohol dependency include a loss of control over drinking, neglecting responsibilities, experiencing withdrawal symptoms,
and developing increased tolerance to alcohol.
When we consume alcohol, our bodies produce acetaldehyde, potentially damaging our DNA. Excessive alcohol consumption can lead to various physical health problems including liver disease, cardiovascular issues, and an elevated risk of developing cancer. Moreover, alcohol abuse significantly impacts mental health, contributing to depression, anxiety, and impaired cognitive function. Beyond the individual, alcohol misuse strains relationships with friends and family, hinders career prospects, poses physical risks, and increases the likelihood of legal difficulties.
If you wish to reduce your alcohol intake, it is beneficial to establish limits and practice moderation. Setting clear boundaries such as determining the number of drinks per day, can be helpful. Keeping a record of your alcohol consumption might provide helpful insights. Avoiding drinking alone, separate alcohol from grocery shopping, and being aware of triggers—identifying situations, people, or emotions that lead to excessive drinking—are important steps. Gradually reducing the number of drink-free days per week and working towards having one week free of alcohol can be helpful.
If you wish to give up alcohol, it can be useful to set a date! Remove alcohol from your home. Avoiding drinking buddies and situations involving alcohol can be helpful. Developing alternative coping strategies such as engaging in exercise or hobbies, is crucial. Seek support from friends and loved ones and participate in social activities with no alcohol.
Focus on self-care, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, stress management, and nurturing positive relationships that promote healthy lifestyle choices can help reduce reliance on alcohol.
Recognising the signs of alcohol dependency and nurturing a balanced relationship with alcohol are essential for maintaining a healthy life.
Understanding the risks of excessive drinking, setting personal limits, seeking support when needed and prioritising self-care can foster a responsible approach to alcohol consumption.
For anyone who is alcohol dependent, it is crucial to consult a GP or healthcare professional for guidance on stopping drinking. Don’t quit cold turkey. Seek professional guidance.
Alcohol and Drugs freephone 1800 459 459 or email helpline@hse.ie For support https://www.drinkaware.ie/support-services/
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Your Wedding Day
Your Wedding Day: Reduce Stress and Stay True to Yourself
Congratulations if you’re recently engaged and planning your wedding day! This is a joyful and exciting time for many couples, filled with choices and creativity – from photo booths to personalised touches. But for others, wedding planning can become quite overwhelming and stressful. This article shares calm, compassionate suggestions to help reduce anxiety and support decision-making during the lead-up to your big day.
Feeling the Pressure? You’re Not Alone
People often attend ‘talking therapies’ such as counselling or psychotherapy to gain perspective and manage wedding-related anxieties. I don’t tell anyone, “Yes, you should marry him” or “No – run a mile!” That’s not my role. But in my experience, talking and being heard helps people work through whatever’s weighing on their minds, so they can make clear decisions and positive changes.
You don’t necessarily need to speak with a professional therapist, though you’re very welcome to! I’d suggest that you might start by sharing any worries with a trusted friend or family member (who will keep things in confience). Most importantly, chat openly with your partner. Strong, long-term relationships are built on open and honest communication.
Have Doubts? Examine Them Early
If you’re feeling uncertain about your relationship or your future, it’s vital to pause and examine those feelings. The sooner you address concerns, the more likely you are to make informed decisions aligned with your values and shared life goals.
Please Yourself First – Always
Your wedding day is exactly that: yours. It’s not about pleasing everyone else, it’s actually about celebrating your relationship. Someone will likely be disappointed or have an opinion – you can’t control that. But if you plan your day with the mindset that it’s not a popularity contest, you’ll free yourself to make decisions based solely on what matters to you and your partner.
Accept That You Can’t Please Everyone
Whether it’s guests, seating, flowers, the band, or the food – someone will likely complain. And that’s okay. You cannot and will not please everyone. Focus on what works best for the two of you.
Talk About Money Early
Finance plays a major role in planning a wedding and a honeymoon. As a couple, decide on your budget together:
How much are you comfortable spending?
Do you want to take out a loan or stay within your savings?
Is it worth being in debt for years to come?
These are joint decisions – compromise is key.
Divide and Conquer Wedding Tasks
Write a list of tasks to be done, then divide them based on interest and strengths. One of you might love planning the music while the other prefers sorting logistics. Sharing the workload not only reduces stress but reflects the equal partnership you’re celebrating.
Don’t Give in to Pressure from Others
There are countless websites, books and magazines offering advice but none of them know you. If you don’t want a cake, don’t have one. If you’d prefer an adults-only wedding, say so. Be firm and clear about your wishes. Honest communication and clear boundaries will help others respect your decisions.
Control What You Can – Let Go of the Rest
Weddings are unpredictable but not everything needs to cause stress.
If you’re worried the flower girl will get tired and vocal, arrange a babysitter.
If you’re anxious about guests drinking too much, serve the meal earlier.
If you’re worried about rain, there’s nothing you can do (other than put the Child of Prague statue out the night before!).
Focus your energy where it matters most.
Soak It All In – This Day Won’t Come Again
This day has legal, emotional and symbolic significance. Allow yourself to pause during the ceremony. Take a mental picture. Look at the faces around you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Enjoy Your Day – Your Way
Don’t spend your time worrying about whether your guests are having fun – that’s their job. Your responsibility is to enjoy the day you’ve spent so long planning. Many couples say the day flies by in a blur. Take time out with your new spouse to breathe, talk and take it all in.
You deserve to feel joy, calm and presence on your wedding day – your way.
Dealing with Regret After a Business Decision: How to Support a Loved One Through Setbacks
Dealing with the aftermath of a poor business decision can be incredibly challenging and emotional. When someone close to you is experiencing business decision regret and coping with disappointment in business, offering empathy and understanding is crucial. Your support can make a big difference in their ability to move forward after a setback.
Empathy and Support During Business Challenges
An unfortunate choice in business can lead to deep feelings of regret, self-blame, disappointment, and profound anxiety about the future. Let your loved one know you’re there for them. Being a non-judgmental sounding board provides them with someone to talk to about their challenges, which can ease the emotional impact of a business setback. After all, two heads are better than one when it comes to coping with regret and self-blame.
Listening without judgment is vital. Allow them to express their thoughts and feelings about the business failure openly. Assure them that their reactions—whether it’s worry, fear, or upset—are completely normal. During such times, their decision-making abilities might feel clouded, and they may find themselves fixating on what went wrong rather than exploring solutions.
Why Regret Happens in Business and How to Cope
Regret often comes from disliking the outcome of a business decision that didn’t go as planned. It’s common to ruminate on “what ifs” and “should haves” but this can be counterproductive. Remind them that setbacks are temporary and that they cannot change the past. Moving forward after a bad business decision involves accepting current circumstances while working on a recovery plan.
Making mistakes is part of life, especially in business. Reassure them that business decision regret doesn’t define them as a person. Encourage them to see regret as a sign of thoughtfulness rather than a failure, and remind them that learning from business mistakes is a stepping stone toward future success.
Encouraging Self-Care and Stress Relief After Business Failure
During this stressful period, encourage self-care to help them cope with financial stress and business-related anxiety. Regular exercise, proper nutrition, and relaxation are excellent ways to reduce anxiety and improve sleep. They should also consider reconnecting with loved ones to maintain a support system.
Once they’ve shared their feelings, gently steer them towards finding solutions rather than fixating on the past. Together, you might brainstorm ways to mitigate the impact of the decision or explore new business opportunities. Sometimes, setbacks pave the way for growth in unexpected directions, like pursuing further education, a career shift, or new ventures.
Seeking Expert Guidance and Setting Concrete Goals
If needed, encourage them to seek input from professionals such as financial advisors, business mentors, or legal consultants. These experts can provide unbiased advice, help with recovery from financial mistakes, and suggest practical strategies for moving forward.
Having a clear plan for the short and long term can also help restore a sense of control. Encourage them to set goals and take notes, even if they’re simple, as a way of staying focused. Goal-setting, even in small steps, can reduce feelings of helplessness and build momentum toward progress.
Learning from Business Mistakes for Personal Growth
When the time feels right, encourage them to reflect on the experience and examine the lessons learned from the setback . This should be done with care, as dwelling too much on the past can intensify feelings of dread or self-blame. Instead, try to frame it as an opportunity for personal and professional growth- a reminder that one business decision does not define an entire future.
Each setback is unique, and so is each recovery journey. What works for one person may not work for another. Encourage them to keep a long-term perspective and remember that setbacks in business are typically temporary.
Providing Support and Encouragement
In times of distress, simply being there to listen can be the greatest gift you can offer. Encourage planning and open dialogue—if not with you, then perhaps with a professional therapist who can provide a supportive space for reflection. Remember, your role is to help them focus on the future and the long-term perspective while providing the support they need during this difficult time.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Complex People
Dealing with complex people can be challenging. Remember: you cannot change anyone except yourself and you can only control your reactions. Here are some tips that might be helpful when having to interact with difficult people:
Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and communicate your boundaries firmly yet respectfully. Explain what behaviour you find unacceptable and stick to your boundaries consistently.
Try not to waiver just because the difficult person asked you to do something – you can always say ‘I will have to check that before I can confirm – I’ll get back to you on that’.
Other phrases that might be useful depending on the context: “I’d appreciate your insights on the best approach for handling this” or “I appreciate there are differences of opinion but how might we find common ground on this?” “I believe in addressing issues directly and respectfully. How could we chat about this in a way that promotes understanding?” “Each of us has unique talents and challenges. Perhaps we could focus on celebrating these differences and foster a positive atmosphere here in our workplace” “Let’s work together to nurture positive interactions” If however matters are heated perhaps you might say “I don’t speak to people in that tone, and I won’t be spoken to in that tone” or in a calm way you might suggest: ‘let’s speak again when we are both feeling calm’
Stay Calm and Composed: When faced with confrontation or negativity, try to remain composed. Take deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground. Avoid getting pulled into arguments or reacting to emotional outbursts.
Pick Your Battles: Not every disagreement needs to be escalated. Learn to let go of minor issues and save your energy for more significant concerns.
Find Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement or common interests with the complex individual. Focusing on shared values can help build rapport and create a more positive atmosphere. You can reflect back to them that you agree with a, b, or c.
Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to what the person is saying and try to understand their perspective. Reflecting back on their thoughts and feelings can demonstrate that you are genuinely listening and that you care/are interested.
Don’t Take Things Personally: Complex people might say hurtful things or behave rudely, but try not to take it personally. Their actions are a reflection of their issues and not a reflection of your worth.
Seek Support: Talking to friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences can be cathartic and provide valuable insights or potential coping strategies. It also helps to get things off your chest in a confidential setting.
Prioritise Self-Care: Engage in activities that help you to relax and reduce stress. That could include hobbies, exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.
Practice Empathy: Hurt people hurt others. Empathising with the complex person’s struggles can help you approach them with understanding and compassion. As well as empathy curiosity can be useful e.g. you find out more about them which can help understand them.
Know When to Step Away: If interactions with the person become toxic or harmful to your well-being, it’s okay to distance yourself and limit contact. Safeguarding your mental and emotional health is your priority.
Dealing with complex individuals can be emotionally and physically draining and taking care of yourself is paramount. A mental health professional such as a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychologist can provide confidential one-to-one support to help navigate challenging relationships in a healthy way.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Online and In-Person Counselling
Based in the heart of Cork city, I offer both online psychotherapy and in-person (or face-to-face) appointments. Combining both approaches provides benefits for people seeking mental health support.
Here are some benefits of combining online psychotherapy and in-person appointments:
Increased flexibility: Online psychotherapy or counselling appointments can be attended from the comfort of home or wherever there is internet access. This is particularly helpful when people have busy schedules, mobility issues, or live in remote areas. On the other hand, in-person sessions offer the benefit of face-to-face interaction, sitting in the same room as the therapist and for some that can feel more personal.
Improved accessibility: Online psychotherapy sessions can be accessed from anywhere worldwide, which is especially helpful for people living in areas without mental health services. In-person appointments, on the other hand, can offer the opportunity to build a close rapport with the therapist and can be especially helpful for people who favour face-to-face communication.
Enhanced privacy: Online therapy sessions can provide an added layer of privacy and confidentiality for anyone who may feel uncomfortable with face-to-face interactions or feel self-conscious attending a clinic for counselling or psychotherapy. In-person sessions provide a private and confidential environment, free from the distractions of the home environment where a housemate or family member may overhear.
Customised treatment plans: Combining online and in-person counselling can allow for a customised treatment plan, tailored to suit individual needs e.g. weekly online sessions with a monthly in-person session, or vice versa.
Increased continuity of care: By combining online and in-person appointments, people have a consistent level of care, even when travelling for work or following a move to a new location. Having online appointments available wherever you are, provides peace of mind and reduces the stress of seeking new mental health services or trying to locate a new therapist.
In summary, combining online and in-person counselling and psychotherapy can be beneficial. The flexibility that online sessions provide suits some whilst the personal contact provided by face to face appointments suits others.
If you’re interested in learning more about Caroline Crotty’s online or in-person therapy services in Cork city, please don’t hesitate to make contact.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Stress and Anxiety
How to reduce stress and anxiety
Stress and anxiety are human experiences. They cannot be avoided, however, they can significantly impact our well-being. Fortunately, there are evidence-backed techniques to effectively cope with stress and anxiety, empowering you to take control of your emotional and mental health.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a powerful technique that involves focusing our attention on the present moment, maintaining an awareness of thoughts, feelings and environment through a compassionate and accepting lens. Originating in Buddhist meditation, secular mindfulness practice is now mainstream. Numerous studies demonstrate its effectiveness in reducing stress and anxiety. By cultivating mindfulness, we can develop an increased awareness of our thoughts and feelings, allowing us to respond to stressors more clearly and calmly. We might begin by paying attention to whatever’s around us by looking at the sky, or the colours of leaves, feeling our feet on the ground while we feel our breath – that’s being present and mindful, and we can do it where ever/whenever.
Physical Exercise
This is a game-changer. Do not stop because you are ageing – do even more for as long as your body allows! Engaging in regular physical exercise is not only beneficial for our physical health but has positive effects on our mental well-being. Exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood-boosting chemicals in the brain. It also reduces stress hormones and improves sleep, all of which contribute to a decrease in stress and anxiety levels. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise most weekdays.
A Healthy Lifestyle
A healthy lifestyle plays a crucial role in managing stress and anxiety. Ensure to get enough sleep. Prioritise eating a balanced diet with nutrient-rich foods. Limit the intake of caffeine and alcohol, which can contribute to anxiety symptoms. Hydrate with water. Additionally, practising good time management and setting realistic goals can reduce feelings of overwhelm and stress.
Supportive Network
Social support is essential in coping with stress and anxiety. Cultivate strong relationships with friends, family, or support groups who can provide understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Research suggests that having a reliable support network can buffer the adverse effects of stress and enhance our overall well-being. Join a group if you feel isolated Phone the Samaritans any time, day or night on 116123 (no charge from mobile or landline).
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a well-established, evidence-based approach to managing stress and anxiety. CBT helps identify and challenge negative thought patterns and replace them with more realistic and helpful thoughts. Reframing our perceptions and beliefs can reduce anxiety and improve our ability to cope with stressors.
Courses can be found at: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself
Self-Care
Engaging in self-care activities is crucial for stress management. Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as hobbies, reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature. Setting aside regular periods for self-care helps replenish our energy, promotes emotional well-being, and reduces the impact of stressors. There are some self-care tips here.
Finally, reducing stress and anxiety is possible through evidence-based strategies. We can take proactive steps towards improving our mental well-being by incorporating mindfulness, exercise, healthy lifestyle choices, social support, cognitive-behavioural techniques, and self-care activities into our daily routines. It is vital to tailor these to your individual/specific needs (cut your cloth according to your measure) and consult a mental health professional if you require additional support.
Procrastination is common, and from personal experience, it is very frustrating! It can be defined as postponing or delaying a task or activity. Procrastination can lead to missed deadlines, increased stress, and a sense of guilt or failure. However, with the right strategies and mindset, procrastination can be conquered.
Why Do We Procrastinate?
When people don’t feel motivated to undertake a task, they may put it off until later or just avoid it altogether. Fear of failure is a common reason why people procrastinate, putting off a task because they fear they won’t be able to complete it satisfactorily. When a task feels too big or complex, people can feel overwhelmed and postpone it until they feel better prepared or have more time (which may not necessarily come within the anticipated timeline for completion).
Perfectionism can be another cause of procrastination when a task is delayed until it can be completed perfectly. If someone feels they don’t have enough time to achieve a level of perfection, then procrastination may loom. Lack of time-management skills such as being unable to prioritise tasks, or break down large tasks into smaller ones can lead to procrastination. Being easily distracted is a source of my procrastination. There are so very many distractions such as mobile phone notifications or emails, or social media updates or looking at the clouds move across the sky!
What Helps with Procrastination?
One of the most effective strategies is breaking tasks into smaller, manageable pieces/steps. This can help seemingly huge tasks seem less overwhelming and ultimately more achievable. Setting specific goals and deadlines provides motivation for task completion. Creating a to-do list can help prioritise tasks and ensure there is sufficient time scheduled for completion. Using time-management techniques helps reduce procrastination.
However, and this is true in my case, procrastination is a coping mechanism when faced with the enormity of an anxiety-causing task with an unclear outcome when cleaning and tidying become more attractive! That then leads to thoughts about the procrastination which exacerbates stress about procrastination in the first place so it can become circular.
Eliminating distractions such as turning off social media or email notifications can be helpful (I know this first hand). Working in a quiet workspace with mobiles in a different room reduces distraction and can help increase focus. Holding yourself accountable to a partner or to a work colleague can provide sufficient motivation for completing tasks. Practicing self-compassion is important for reducing procrastination. Instead of beating yourself up about procrastinating, focus on taking small steps towards completing the task. Telling myself to stop procrastinating rarely works instead DO ONE THING. Literally do something! I set the timer for ten minutes and do one thing. That’s it then I’ve made a start and I’m out of the traps. I also try to imagine just how amazing finishing will feel which can be hard to visualise but it is helpful!
Making a specific plan for when, where, and how a task will be completed is useful. That helps you imagine exactly what needs to be done next, providing a clear plan of action. Rewarding yourself can be a helpful strategy – have a series of rewards when tasks are completed can provide motivation and reduce procrastination.
Reframing involves changing negative or self-defeating thoughts about a task or situation into more positive, motivating thoughts. Maybe thinking of a time when you did something similar or reminding yourself of how you know you can do this might be helpful. We thrive with praise – so self-praise is important. Recognise what you are doing and getting done rather than what is not yet complete. Goal-setting can reduce procrastination. Setting specific, achievable goals can provide motivation and structure for task-completion. Try time management techniques or the Pomodoro Technique:
Set a timer for 25 minutes. Focus on one task until the timer sounds.
That’s one Pomodoro completed.
Take a five-minute break.
After four completed Pomodoros, take a 15-30 minute break.
Self-compassion and relaxation techniques can als0 help reduce anxiety and increase focus, which in turn can reduce procrastination.
In conclusion, procrastination is common and interferes with productivity, success, and overall well-being because it’s frustrating to feel stuck. So set a timer for ten minutes and do something! A done something is better than a perfect nothing.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Use Time Wisely
Use Time Wisely
Time is a precious resource in limited supply. No matter how often we wish for more time, only seven days a week remain! Time management is a critical skill that can significantly impact our personal and professional lives. Good time management can help us accomplish more, reduce stress, and improve our overall quality of life.
Planners/Calendars
An effective time management tool is using a planner or calendar. Write/enter all appointments, deadlines, and tasks to keep them in one place. This ensures you won’t forget anything important. Use your daily planner to set goals and track progress. Sleep, nutrition, exercise, and friends/family time can be scheduled too.
Set Priorities
The first step in effective time management is setting priorities. Determine what tasks are most important and which can wait. Complete high-priority tasks first (i.e. urgent and important tasks) and then move to lower-priority ones. This will help keep you on track and ensure you are making progress on critical tasks.
Break Tasks into Smaller Pieces
Big tasks can seem overwhelming, which can lead to procrastination. To avoid this, break big tasks into smaller, more manageable pieces. This can help you make progress on a task without becoming overwhelmed. When tasks are overwhelming, give maximum effort for 15-30-minute intervals to help avoid procrastination. Getting something done will make the task appear less daunting, which can help keep you motivated.
Avoid multitasking
Although tempting, there are more effective ways of managing time than multitasking because trying to do too many things simultaneously can decrease productivity and increase stress. It’s better to focus on one task at a time and complete it before moving on to the next task. This approach can help you maintain concentration.
Learn to Say No
Saying “yes” can mean taking on more than you can handle. Saying “no” can be difficult but essential for effective time management. Before agreeing to any request, ask yourself if it aligns with your priorities or if it is something that you can/want to do – if it doesn’t, then politely decline. Say “I’ll get back to you about that” if you are inclined to blurt out a “yes” without thinking!
Take Breaks
Working for long periods without a break makes us less productive. It may seem counterintuitive to take breaks, but taking regular breaks helps us recharge and refocus. Use breaks to do something that relaxes and energises you, such as going for a walk or listening to music.
Delegate
Delegating tasks to others better suited to handle them can free up your time and help you focus on tasks only you can do. Before you delegate a task, make sure the person you’re delegating to has the necessary skills and resources and is clear about what is needed of them.
Set Achievable Goals
Setting goals is an essential part of effective time management. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting goals that are too ambitious or unrealistic. Instead, set challenging but achievable goals and work hard to reach them.
In conclusion, effective time management is essential for accomplishing more, reducing stress, and improving overall quality of life. Make the most of limited time by setting priorities, using a planner, breaking tasks into smaller pieces, avoiding multitasking, learning to say no, taking breaks, delegating tasks, and setting realistic goals. It’s a skill that can be learned – be patient with yourself while you learn to say ‘no’!
Our physical health and mental health are inextricably linked, with one impacting the other in a circular relationship. When feeling physically unwell, we might not feel very happy. When feeling anxious or overwhelmed, we might not feel physically well.
We can take measures to safeguard and boost our mental health. It can feel difficult and effortful, but the payoff is worth it. Prioritise your well-being to get the best out of your life.
Start Today!
Planning is fantastic, but starting today with something is far better than postponing until the time is just right! An imperfect something is better than a perfect nothing!
Exercise
Move for 20 minutes by marching on the spot, touching your elbows to the opposite knee, dance or follow an online class from the comfort of your home. If 20 minutes is too much, set a timer for 5 minutes, leave the house and as soon as the alarm goes off, turn around and come home – that’s a 10-minute walk and a wonderful starting point. 30 mins of moderate exercise most days can reduce stress, improve your mood, and boost self-esteem.
Screen-Free Time
Mobile phones are an intrinsic part of our lives. When prioritising mental health, schedule daily screen-free time. We do not benefit from being constantly distracted from ourselves. Spending time alone with our thoughts is beneficial. Our brains need downtime, ideally in nature, which can improve our focus. Even looking at and admiring trees is calming for humans because nature is therapeutic!
Social Connections
Just as important as spending time alone with our thoughts, forging social connections is beneficial for our mental health. It might be a little more difficult as we age to find new friends but reach out to others. Contact family members and friends, meet people, become involved in your community, join clubs/groups that interest you or volunteer.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is not about having a full mind but is more about being present and engaged in the current moment. Mindfulness can help reduce stress and improve focus and feelings of wellbeing. Spend a few minutes every day, focusing on your breath and breathing. While walking, pay attention to your body and the sound of your steps on the ground. When someone speaks, listen and hear what they’re saying. There are several ways to develop mindfulness or join a yoga, or mindfulness class
Self-Care
Make a list of things that you enjoy doing or that you used to enjoy when you were younger. Prioritise doing something from that list (whatever you enjoy) as part of self-care practice even if only for ten minutes every day e.g. reading, walking, music, drawing, gardening. If you are a parent, by doing what you enjoy you teach your children the importance of self-care – you are their role model.
Seek Help
Ask your GP for a list of supports. Alternatively, phone 1800111888 anytime day or night and you’ll be sign-posted to Irish mental health support services.
Gratitude
Most of us never miss what we have until it’s gone, including people. Developing gratitude
can improve our mood, reduce stress, and increase positive feelings. Write three things
every day for which you are grateful, regardless of how small or insignificant. That keeps our focus on the positives regardless of how tough the day is.
In summary, move your body, have screen-free time, spend time in nature, forge social
connections, seek help, and practice gratitude and mindfulness. The benefits of prioritising your mental health outweigh the effort. Something done is better than a perfect nothing so why not do something to mind your mental health today!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
The Demon Drink
The Demon Drink!
Alcohol consumption is entrenched in Irish culture. We drink to celebrate and to grieve. It’s not just one or two drinks on occasion – we are binge drinkers. Children follow in the footsteps of their elders because parents are their children’s role models. When parents are tolerant of drunkenness, it’s normalised for children. When parents provide alcohol to their adolescents, those youngsters are at increased risk of alcohol-related harm and alcohol dependency later in life.
Alcohol is intertwined with Irish life. Although we know cigarettes are unhealthy, alcohol is not advertised as detrimental to our well-being – possibly because alcohol forms part of our societal and cultural norms. Alcohol is a psychoactive substance with dependence-producing properties, but it’s socially acceptable and legal. The drinks industry is central to the Irish economy – but at what human cost? I find it ironic that Diageo runs Irish alcohol awareness campaigns.
Alcohol causes harm, from Accident and Emergency hospital visits to alcohol-related deaths. Alcohol leads us to say and do things we would never say or do sober. It causes us to engage in risky sexual behaviours, to put ourselves in danger and make dodgy decisions. Alcohol dulls our memory and is linked with heart and liver disease, osteoporosis, high blood pressure, poor sleep, anxiety, and depression. Alcohol is linked with several cancers, including mouth, breast, bowel and throat.
Reducing the amount of alcohol we drink could reduce the risk of alcohol-related cancers. It doesn’t matter what we drink, alcohol causes the damage.
Consider giving your body a break. We do not need alcohol to function or to relax. We do not need alcohol to be sociable, to make us more interesting or to help us sleep. If you do, it’s time to rethink your habits. Cutting down means avoiding hangovers, saving money, getting a great night’s sleep, lowering the risk of stroke or heart disease, and improving overall mental and physical health.
How to cut down our alcohol intake:
Be drink aware. Pay attention to what you drink, when, how much and why.
Don’t keep it in the house.
Ask friends/family to support you as you reduce/cut down.
Distract yourself at the time you usually drink.
Never drink alone.
Change your scenery. Go to the cinema or for a meal instead of going to the pub.
Slow down when drinking.
Set a limit to the number of drinks and stop once that limit is reached.
Finish each drink before pouring another and drink water in between.
Drink from a smaller glass. Have a bottle instead of a can, a single instead of a double.
Pour one glass of wine, then put the bottle away.
Have alcohol-free days every week.
Rethink your relationship with the demon drink.
If you need support to change, help is available – reach out.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Movember
After Halloween last month, it might be interesting to note that in Ireland, we have All Saints Day on the 1st November (also World Vegan Day), followed by All Souls Day on the 2nd November. Regardless of faith or belief, it is nice to remember those who are no longer with us, who have left their mark on our hearts and whom we miss.
We are all going to die. When we are healthy, we may not spend too much time thinking about dying. We know it will happen, and typically we do not know when. Why not try to experience as much of life as possible while feeling fit, well, and while young enough to enjoy it? I’d suggest not waiting until retirement because we do not know what is around the corner. Life is unpredictable and messy.
If you want to go somewhere or do something and it is within your means, then why not go for it?
This month is referred to as Movember, when people grow moustaches to raise awareness of men’s health and cancers. In Ireland, a person is diagnosed with cancer every three minutes, which is a staggering statistic. So, make an invaluable investment in your long-term health and make one positive, healthy change for the month ahead. If you’re a smoker, there’s no need to wait until the New Year to give up, instead, you might consider chatting with your pharmacist or GP about accessing help to kick the habit.
Eating a healthy diet and being physically active are both beneficial to our health and wellbeing. With exercise, any activity is better than none. You don’t have to join a gym or leave the house, you can dance or jump or march on the spot. Stop the excuses and get moving!
Limiting our alcohol intake is healthy. Regarding drinking, consider that less is best and none is better. However, our culture dictates that we take alcohol for granted although it is a mind-altering drug and cancer prevention guidelines for women are less than six large glasses of wine in a week.
Now that I’m mentioning cancer prevention, remember to protect your skin from sunburn because people who regularly get sunburned are more likely to develop melanoma than those who have not. Attend your GP for routine health checks and have them examine any unusual-looking moles – don’t ignore what you’re not certain about.
If you or someone you love has had a diagnosis of cancer, you might please contact ARC House which can provide you with information, practical help and emotional support https://corkcancersupport.ie/
If you have something on your mind, please share it with someone whom you trust. We do not need to suffer in silence or to face our problems alone. Sharing a worry helps us gain perspective. For every problem, there’s a solution that we just haven’t yet found!
Support Movember in your way – you might remind people you love that they may benefit from a health screen or from adopting healthy habits and then take your own advice!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Caroline Crotty BSocSc MA MSc Psych MPsychSc
Halloween
October is a wonderful month with both the Jazz and Dragon of Shandon festivals in Cork city. We have a midterm break from college and school, but best of all, we have Halloween!
I find it fascinating that Halloween originated in Ireland. Ancient Celts celebrated the festival of Samhain when it was believed that the souls of the dead returned to Earth. Druids lit sacred bonfires, wild costumes were worn, and the Celtic deities were appeased with offerings. It was a festival of great fortune-telling and I’d bet there wasn’t a pumpkin in sight!
Perhaps you might select a local event this month, head out, and get involved. Connection is a vital element of feeling good about ourselves. Conversely, loneliness can have a profoundly negative impact on our health and well-being. Try to connect with others and embrace the fun aspect of October.
“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” (Jim Goodwin / Sydney J. Harris)
At work, I often ask, ‘how do you relax?’. People respond that they watch television, lie on the sofa or have a glass of wine. Whilst these activities are pleasant, they’re not relaxation skills. When we are healthy, we rarely pay attention to our breathing. However, controlling the pace of our breath is itself a relaxation skill. When we master breath control, we are better equipped to manage our worried or stressed reactions.
Humans encounter stressful situations. We cannot control the future or prevent unpleasant events, but we can learn how to relax our bodies and minds with diaphragmatic breathing. Because we differ, we relax in different ways. We owe it to ourselves to discover which relaxation skills best suit us as individuals, then practice and hone our favourite skills.
Diaphragmatic breathing can help improve focus and is used by singers, divers, and athletes
to improve lung capacity. Breathing too quickly can make us feel dizzy or even a little anxious. Taking slow, regular breaths can help us control worried or stressed thoughts and anxious feelings, and help us feel more relaxed and in control.
To control your breathing, place one hand on your chest and the other on your tummy. Inhale slowly through your nose, and imagine your breath is filling your abdomen like a balloon. The hand on your tummy moves. Some pause for a couple of seconds before breathing out slowly (I exhale through my mouth). The hand on your tummy moves as you exhale. The hand on your chest remains still. (This is where practice is required). Repeat this ten times twice per day. You don’t need to use your hands once you master diaphragmatic breathing. You can use this relaxation skill anywhere, anytime.
You’re breathing into your lungs while consciously engaging your diaphragm, focusing on your breath while reducing physical symptoms of anxiety.
This Halloween, enjoy doing something different, eating barmbrack, playing snap apple or apple bobbing, going trick or treating and practising your diaphragmatic breathing!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
September Change
September marks the beginning of autumn. It brings with it new beginnings. Perhaps your child is starting nursery or primary school. Maybe your adolescent is moving away to attend university or starting a new job having finished school. There may be a heavy financial burden with childminding, uniforms, books or education fees. September is a time of significant change. With change, comes stress.
Here are some reminders of what you already know that you can put into place to help you (and to help your worried child).
Adults and children worry. Children pick up on how their parents are feeling, so try to remain calm and speak calmly with your children. Don’t put your worries on to your children.
If you have a worried child, please let them know that you understand something is going on for them. Encourage them to chat with you about whatever is on their mind. Be sensitive to their needs. Give them your undivided attention if they are speaking with you. Ask how they are feeling about whatever is going on. (Do not ask ‘are you stressed about returning to school?’ as it’s too leading). Listen to their response. It might not be what you expect. Resist the temptation to swoop in and make everything okay and fix the issue. Instead, allow your child to voice their concerns without interruption. Talking through fears is beneficial (depending on age). Be reassuring. Validate worries and feelings. Explain that you understand. Thank them for telling you. Ask them what you can do to help. Ask them what they can do to help themselves which gives children a sense of control and fosters solutions-focused thinking.
Well-intentioned parents might allow their child to avoid school if they don’t want to go. However, avoiding school will not help your child. School refusal will not be improved by avoiding the source of stress (i.e. school). Get your child into school, even if it just for the classes until first break. Be firm but encouraging despite your own feelings. Consistently attending school will eventually settle your child’s upset.
Give praise for confiding in you and doing their best. Ask if they want to hear your suggestions. Return to school nerves are usually temporary. Be consistent in your message that there is a solution for every problem or that we can work towards acceptance following trauma.
How you help your child is how you can help yourself. Model positive coping skills and a positive outlook. There are several facets to minding our health and staying healthy such as eating well, exercising, getting sufficient sleep, and taking time out. There are five steps to improving emotional health and wellbeing that are true for adults and children: Connecting, Learning, Giving, Activity, and Focusing!
You are your child’s role model. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child.
Connecting can help us feel more satisfied with life as it provides a sense of belonging – visiting a neighbour, walking with someone, joining a volunteering group etc. Being with others affords us an opportunity to express ourselves and we connect by listening, so it’s win/win. When our social circle is tiny (or non-existent) September might be the best time to become involved in something locally!
Giving to others helps us feel more positive and provides a sense of purpose. Giving promotes connecting. Bake a cake, offer to teach someone how to do something or give thanks by sending a text/card/email.
Learning new things can boost our self-esteem and optimism. Learning does not have to be academic – learn how to draw, paint, sing or play ukulele.
Activity benefits physical and emotional wellbeing. Physical activity changes the chemicals in our brains and can improve our self-esteem.
Focusing attention on thoughts, feelings and physical sensations can improve our mood. Having something to look forward to and focusing on deep breathing are beneficial!
Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.
We might not give much thought to boundaries when life is going well or when we feel content. It can be helpful to consider having healthy boundaries and give consideration to what is/is not acceptable to us. Perhaps our boundaries need to be updated so we know what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with at this point in our lives.
Some boundaries might seem obvious. If someone were to ask: “Is it okay for someone to go through my wallet without my knowledge?”
If it is while I am in another room, behind my back, without my permission, then I’m sure we would answer, “no”. Whereas, if it were to check for our i.d. if our wallet is lost and found, then of course searching through our property would be okay!
Another example of a boundary is our sense of personal space which differs depending on the person we’re with. Think of someone we don’t know who stands super close while speaking with us or someone who wants to hug us when we don’t want to hug them!
I may consider certain boundaries vital, while someone else may never have thought about them. I might constantly work late, while someone with a clear boundary about family time will always leave the office on time. We all have different boundaries and that is okay!
What are boundaries?
They are guidelines or rules that we set for ourselves about what’s acceptable and safe for us. Boundaries help us make healthy choices in relationships with ourselves and with others.
Healthy boundaries help us to stick with what makes us feel comfortable and less likely to engage in activities about which we might later feel uncomfortable.
When we set healthy boundaries we:
– make decisions about what we want for ourselves
– can say ‘no’ without fearing rejection
– are okay when others say ‘no’
– allow ourselves to be open with others whom we know and trust
– recognise what we need to take care of ourselves
– understand that our boundaries differ from others
– ask for help when needed
– have a clear sense of identity
– set limits for ourselves/others
– are firm rather than rigid
– recognise we are responsible for ourselves
Relationship boundaries vary and what might be a dealbreaker for one person might not be an issue for another. Examining whether your boundaries align with your partner and those of your friends is helpful. It allows you to understand others and meet them where they are at and it also means that you know what you will/not accept from others. To me, boundaries are also about respecting ourselves and those we care about.
To examine boundaries, take stock of your values and what is important to you in life. Understand why healthy boundaries are important and why your boundaries are your responsibility. When we are unclear about our values and what is important to us in life, we may be tempted to go with the flow too often or people-please.
You have choices and control over your actions. Keep in mind that in relationships, guilt-tripping or silent treatment are unhealthy and unacceptable. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions, and it is not selfish to set healthy boundaries. In the same way, we must respect when others put boundaries in place for themselves too.
“In order to thrive and be successful, you have to be able to set boundaries” Oprah.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Post-Pandemic
Post-Pandemic
There has been so much divisiveness with regard to Covid-19 but there is a sense that we are returning to some level of familiar territory with live gigs and holidays and workplaces reopening. We know Covid-19 caused disruption in our lives but overall, we adapted well to working from home. We adapted so well that we now need to adapt to returning to work in our bricks-and-mortar offices!
I chatted with several people during the pandemic and their experiences greatly differed. Some loved being at home as it afforded them an opportunity to be with their children, get creative and learn how to bake banana bread and make pasta! Others found that being at home was stressful and anxiety-causing and they missed the routine of travelling to and being at work, and in the company of colleagues.
Creating a new routine that works for you is key to a smooth transition from meeting people online to in-person, face-to-face meetings. Now that we are returning to work or maybe to a hybrid work model, allowing yourself time to decompress after every workday might be a consideration.
I’m a big fan of taking time away from my work desk. I often walk out the front door of the clinic, walk around the block and come back again or simply walk to the car because it is a mini break away from the office. I get some fresh air and it’s physical movement rather than sitting still all day.
Breaks are beneficial as is being strict with work start and finish times. Your daily routine will change when you return to work. It is worthwhile spending a little time to consider how you can make that new post-pandemic routine work well for you.
Up until now, household chores like putting on a wash or hanging out the laundry could be done while working from home, in between meetings or phone calls. Maybe consider allocating different chores to different days to help keep on top of tasks while you spend more time out of the home. Dividing tasks among days might seem too organised or controlled but it might help keep your evenings free to do things you want to do rather than contributing to the feeling that household chores are never-ending.
In your post-pandemic diary, keep time free from meetings (so you can take a breather). People mention having back-to-back meetings throughout the working week but if there is any opportunity for you to keep some time- just for you – then go for it! It might mean starting work a little earlier but leave work on time whenever possible.
On the subject of starting work earlier, taking half an hour extra in the morning to gather your thoughts might be a good start to the day – it might mean you get up before others but the result is a relaxed start to the working day.
Make a plan of action to get good quality, sufficient sleep which might mean getting into or out of bed a little earlier – if this is within your control, decide what needs to happen and make those changes. You will be thankful that you’ve taken charge of those areas of your life that need attention.
Readjusting well to life in the office post-pandemic requires you to organise, plan and set new boundaries. You might even have to ask for help with some household tasks which, before now, you could manage because you were at home.
Knowing when to say ‘no’ and not overstretch yourself is helpful. Be prepared that you will feel tried with any change to your work routine, because returning to work is a change (and a bit of a shock) to the system.
At the start of the pandemic we were feeling fatigued from being online all the time. We were not used to it. Working online and meeting people virtually became our way of being. Now things have changed, meeting people in person and having face-to-face appointments may feel unusual. Be gentle with yourself. Have a helpful routine that suits you will help you return to work with a spring in your step and keep that spring in your step!
With a little careful consideration, you can create the best post-pandemic routine for you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Online Therapy
Post-Pandemic Online Therapy
Chatting with people, I know there is a sense that the pandemic is history, but for others, Covid-19 feels like it is still lurking, like a snake in the grass!
However, one of the distinct benefits of having had a strange couple of years is online therapy and teletherapy. Since March 2020, I have adapted my practice to deliver a blended service, and now psychotherapy, counselling, EMDR, and CBT are successfully provided online (and in-person).
Historically, I thought in-person or face to face appointments were the only way I would deliver therapy. I was wrong! Online therapy and teletherapy allow me to work with people globally. I have clients on other continents, which, before Covid-19, I would not have considered possible. I undertook training in 2020 to ensure best practice and have never looked back. Online therapy has its advantages and from research, we know it is effective.
Online therapy ensures that distance is no barrier to staying with the same therapist following emigration. When people move from Cork or Ireland, we continue appointments online.
As with in-person counselling or psychotherapy appointments, for online appointments, privacy is paramount, as is having a space where you will not be overheard. Try to make your area similar to a therapy room for 50-60mins which means that you can feel relaxed, you won’t be interrupted and keep tissues close by (just in case). Ensuring housemates or family members respect that you require time without disruption. Having a good Wi-Fi connection ensures minimal interference.
Online or virtual tele-health appointments are environmentally friendly – there is no carbon footprint, no travel to/from appointments, and no time spent frantically looking for parking or sitting in traffic.
I’m now a fan of something I thought I would never engage in. Our lives have changed with the pandemic but it is not all bad. Technology allowed us to stay connected and adapt to new ways of providing therapy (new to me that is!).
If you have any questions about online or virtual counselling and psychotherapy please contact Caroline Crotty.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
mind-body
There is much theoretical debate about the separation of mind-body. My understanding is that our minds provide our individual subjective experiences – our thoughts, feelings, memories or consciousness. Our minds and bodies are not separate entities as (put simplistically) our brains note what is going on in our bodies and watch out for changes in posture, heart rate, breathing, or muscle tension for example.
How we experience an event can depend on our appraisal of the situation. For example – although this is extreme, imagine that I jump from a diving board into a swimming pool, my brain can sense that my body is falling. I feel excited. Versus the scene where I accidentally fall from a diving board, the pool is empty; my brain senses that my body is falling, however, it’s an entirely different emotional experience. Our brains are involved in what’s going on in our bodies but our thoughts and appraisals determine our feelings.
When we consciously tell ourselves that we are excited about something rather than fearful it can change how we feel. We can trick ourselves into believing that we are excited (when otherwise we might say we are afraid). Our body and brain do not necessarily separate fear and excitement, and the conscious thoughts we use to describe feelings to ourselves can change our experience.
That mind-body connection is very evident when we are on rollercoaster rides, bungee jumps or watch horror films because we are provided with an enjoyable fear response! My level of fear may not match yours. Or pain, while it’s not an emotion, is something that we all subjectively experience, but no one can tell us how much pain we experience. Neither do people experience pain in the same way. I find the 1-10 pain-scale impossible to complete because I might think a pain is a full 10 until an 11 strikes! Or my 10 is your 5! I’m mentioning this is because our thoughts impact how we feel and we each feel a little differently and have different thoughts. You might say you’re feeling stressed or excited or afraid or that you’re in pain but it may not be the same experience for the next person.
What we do with our bodies impacts our feelings. Sleep, hydrate, regularly eat healthy and nutritious food, exercise (cardio and weight-bearing), stretch, breathe deeply, and when you care for your body, you have the added bonus of potentially safeguarding your emotional health. Our mind-body or brain/thoughts, feelings/emotions are interlinked.
Humans experience stress. Sometimes we ignore stressors and put the head down and keep going! Perhaps we might pretend to ourselves that we are not in financial debt or that our partners are absent but our bodies might give us a warning sign such as a migraine, upset stomach, sore neck or back etc. When we pay attention to our feelings and to our emotions, it can help us deal with the source of sadness, stress or anxiety. We can make a plan of action to tackle whatever is causing us to feel subpar. Connection is vital to our wellbeing so joining a group to be in the company of others if life is solitary is very helpful. Here’s a link to some meet-up groups I found on Google (and I can’t recommend this – just information-sharing!)
Create a healthy mindset. Set aside time every day or at least every second day to focus on something important to you – take action! You are important. You deserve care. Mind yourself. For a healthy mind – mind your body. Journal to keep track of whatever helps improve your mood and use that list as a reminder when you need a pick-me-up. Make time to do things that you enjoy. Connect with others, seek social support, accept you and accept change. Life is not static. Keep perspective. Reassure yourself you’re doing your best.
Your thoughts impact your feelings – watch those thoughts!
Feed your mind as well as your body. Make a plan of action to tackle worries and overcome whatever is thwarting your efforts to positively sync your mind-body so you can feel good physically, emotionally, mentally etc.
When struggling emotionally, self-care can prove difficult. No one knows how you feel just by looking at you so be open with your GP who can advise and might be able to refer you for free counselling via CIPC (Counselling in Primary Care) if you’ve a medical card. Alternatively, contact www.mymind.org which provides low-cost counselling throughout Ireland. Talking therapy such as counselling or psychotherapy whether online or virtual or face to face can help give you perspective on self-doubt, limiting beliefs, upsetting thoughts and help motivate you towards achieving what you want in your life.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Christmas 2021
December Change – 2021
‘Tis the season to be jolly! Here are a few reminders to help manage the most wonderful time of the year so Christmas 2021 can come and go without too much angst or worry.
If you are not already doing this, please give your best chance at feeling good this Christmas and get sufficient, good quality sleep, hydrate with water and fuel your body with nourishing foods. Learn to control your breath and breathing and get regular exercise
Emotions and Feelings
When we are busy, life can seem like an endless list of tasks and when we have time on our hands, life can seem pretty boring or even sad. Pay attention to your emotions and to how you feel. If you are not in great form, ask yourself what you can do to improve your mood and try to do that.
Make little changes in your day to accommodate your feelings, if you need to move more, then move more often! Take responsibility for your wellbeing. If you feel that you need to rest, then rest.
When feeling stressed or anxious, exercise can help to burn off excess energy and sleep helps with tiredness. Pay attention to how you feel and make little changes accordingly. Cut back on commitments if you’re under pressure or feel stretched. If you have time to kill then perhaps volunteer or ask a neighbour (or a new mom) how you can be of help or service.
Do something for you!
When we are busy caring for others, we can lose sight of our favourite pastimes. Make a list of things that help you feel good or positive e.g. reading fiction, knitting, painting your toe nails, soaking in a bubbly bath, playing loud music or an instrument etc. That list can be part of your self-care or a reward system if you need to incentivise yeucky tasks! You might need to study over Christmas for example so do a deal with yourself – I’ll study for half an hour then I get to do something on that ‘Nice Things To Do’ list.
We might need time away from people to recharge our batteries particularly at Christmas when we can put ourselves under pressure to have the perfect day. Take that time whether it is going for a shower or going outside to hoover the car, give yourself a break from people if you need it. The opposite is true – if you tend to avoid people, perhaps you might make a concerted effort to spend time in the company of others this holiday period.
Keep in mind, Christmas day is just that – one day. It does not have to be ‘perfect’. Try to enjoy the day – whether you are on your own or in the company of others, let the day come and go without stressing yourself.
The past is past!
Our minds may want to remind us of mistakes we made, however, you made progress. Consider everything you achieved this past year. You’ve grown and changed as the year progressed. Yes we have aged but with age comes wisdom! There is reason to celebrate and feel proud. Despite the hardships and difficulties, we are still here.
Everyone makes mistakes. There is no perfect human despite what people might have you believe! Take it easy, you’ve had a strange year. Covid-19 is still hanging around so try to let go of past errors and memories of people you feel have wronged you. Instead, perhaps you might keep your focus on accomplishments, achievements, and stay in the present. We only have today, right now this moment. What purpose does it serve for you to keep going back to historic upsets? If it helps you feel positive, that’s perfect – keep at it! If not………you know what to do! Acknowledge that your mind is giving you these thoughts but you are not your thoughts. Sing, dance, laugh, chat, live your life as best you can.
If you find that you simply can’t let go of past wrong doings or trauma in your life then reach out and seek support. There are agencies who provide low cost counselling such as MyMind or for anyone who had childhood trauma try Connect and if you’re feeling suicidal contact Pieta
Feed your senses
Light candles with wonderful scents (smell); admire scenery (sight); eat nourishing or new foods (taste); wear textured clothes that feel nice or use moisturiser (touch): listen to the sounds around you (hearing). Breathe, feel, experience your place in the world. Pay attention to this season, what does winter/December feel like to you?
Feed your creativity
Bake, create, paint, draw, sculpt, play music, write a story or poetry. Go outdoors and be in nature, take your shoes off and walk in the grass or at the beach. Watch a film and write a review. Visit a museum, art gallery or heritage site keep active, busy, connected and make time for you to be creative this December.
Reminders
Spend time in the company of others. Talk about how you’re feeling. Make a plan of action to tackle worries that are within your control. Spend time in nature because it is therapeutic. Feed ducks and birds. Don’t rely on sugar / alcohol / caffeine to perk you up. Mind your body to mind your mind. Do something unexpectedly kind for someone because you both benefit. Be gentle with yourself. You are wonderful.
Reach Out
50808 is a free service – it can be nice to have someone at the end of the phone. Contact the Samaritans on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org and if under 18, contact Childline 1800666666
Enjoy December. We have much for which to be grateful.
Anyone who regularly reads anything I write knows that I recommend learning how to control our breath and breathing! I even go so far as to suggest that when you learn that skill, it is life-changing.
Our typical, everyday breathing takes place without us ever having to pay attention to it, it happens automatically rather like our heart beating or our pupil size changing. Breathing might be something we do not pay attention to or think about. However, it is possible to bring our conscious attention or focus to our breath and to slow it down. This in turn, positively impacts our heart rate.
Diaphragmatic breathing is something we hear about but might not fully understand. A diaphragm (pronounced dye-ah-fram) is the dome-shaped muscle involved in breathing and other bodily processes (from posture to vomiting)! Several nerves pass through the diaphragm so what happens with our diaphragm can be experienced elsewhere including in our brains.
We know our breathing is affected by our thoughts, emotions, behaviours and by stress. When we are stressed or get a fright, our breathing changes and our pupils dilate. Our bodies react to the stressor, our neurons are activated and our bodies react. That fight / flight response is left-over from our predecessors when predators were a reality. Predators are not a concern for us now! Whether it is getting an injection or giving a presentation or there’s an approaching tiger – our neurons fire in the same way as they did for our hunter-gatherer ancestors sending a plethora of chemicals and hormones into our system.
Nowadays, to cope when stressed, we might be tempted to eat high carbohydrate foods or consume food in general but this is not the most appropriate solution – having something that we could do in the moment is a more helpful stress-reducing tool!
BREATHING! Breathing is the way forward – it’s a stress-busting technique that we can do any time, anywhere and no one needs to know we are doing it!
Andrew Huberman, Neurobiologist at Stanford University is working to try to figure out breathing patterns and stress. He and his team of researchers examined the benefits of what they refer to as physiological sighs.
Remember when you were young and cried so hard that you did a double-intake of breath in the aftermath of the crying (or maybe even while crying)? That’s a stress relieving technique and we didn’t even know! Dogs often do it when sleeping – take a double-intake of breath. Huberman found that breathing in a double-inhale through the nose, followed by an extended exhale through the mouth has an active part to play in our stress response. This is something we can do – at any time.
The science behind this physiological sigh is the double inhale through the nose allowing oxygen in, causes alveoli within our lungs to open, in turn allowing us to offload extra carbon dioxide in our long exhaled sigh out.
Any time you get to inhale and exhale slowly with focus you are doing yourself a favour! When you are feeling stressed, do this (double inhale and slow exhale) once or twice and it will help you feel calm despite whatever is going on.
Remember – you are wonderful!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Self-Care
Self-Care
I’m not sure how many times I’ve said ‘mind yourself’ or ‘take care’ when saying goodbye. Recently, someone replied ‘Caroline, I don’t know how’. I suggested that I’d write an article to outline some of the ways we can look after ourselves and exercise self-care. This is for you – you know who you are!
I’ve been thinking about how I ‘mind’ myself. There are a few things that I am consistent with such as allowing sufficient time for sleep, regularly drinking water, bringing fruit and nuts for snacking (which often stops me buying crisps or chocolate). Walking around the block in between appointments means I regularly stand up, move and leave the office even if only for short bursts. I wear clothes and footwear that are comfortable rather than ever looking dressy and I listen to loud music. I try to only have one morning coffee and I take a long evening walk.
But what is self-care? In my experience, it can include anything that benefits our wellbeing, that helps us feel good and keeps us healthy and resilient. Life has ups and downs and caring for ourselves in the okay times helps us to cope when not-so-okay times arrive.
Self-care is unique to each individual. What forms part of my self-care routine may not suit the next person. You might need quiet time away from people and I might need to be in the middle of chatty company. I may need to slow down while you might need to speed up!
After reading this, perhaps write a plan of action for your daily/weekly self-care routine. It’s not a to-do list it is an aspirational goals list. We might not get to do everything every day, but we can always do some. There is no bad feeling if we don’t do everything! Sometimes I eat crisps and chocolate and have two coffees or don’t get out for a long walk and that’s just the way life is!
We can divide our self-care routine into various different areas as follows:
Physical self-care
Move more. Hydrate. Have a bubbly bath. Light candles. Stretch. Sleep at night time, rest when necessary, eat nourishing foods keeping ultra-processed foods to a minimum. Care for your body. Slow down your breath.
Emotional self-care
Learn to say ‘no’. Be aware of emotions and reactions. Journal. Develop gratitude for the simple things in your day-to-day life. Identify emotional triggers. Be responsible for actions. Accept yourself. Challenge unhelpful thoughts and reactions.
Social self-care
Make time to connect. Build relationships with caring people. Ask for help when needed. Meet people to engage in activities outside of work/home. Meet real people in real time. Reduce screen time.
Spiritual self-care
Spend time alone. Connect with yourself and the universe. Whether or not you are religious, examine the values and beliefs that guide you.
Psychological self-care
Exercise mindfulness, acceptance, self-compassion, creativity. Fuel your mind (e.g. writing, movies, reading, puzzles). Cardio is a great brain protector! Mistakes are part of being human, learn how to let yourself off the hook! Watch your self-talk. Rid yourself of your mental ‘mind bully’. Solve problems that cause you worry or stress.
Environmental self-care
Spend time in nature. Live and work in an uncluttered, relaxing environment. Wear comfy, clean clothes. Recycle. Minimise waste. Enjoy your surroundings.
Financial self-care
Be conscious and responsible with finances. Prioritise debt (especially credit card). Be mindful about purchases and spending. Determine needs-vs-wants. Consciously spend and save.
Work self-care
Leave work at work. Log off and stay logged off until your next workday or shift begins. Value your time. Have clear boundaries with your work time. Have meetings outdoors whenever possible. Value your role. Say no and explain why. Enjoy doing your best. Take breaks away from your desk.
Please note: The above will not suit everyone. If you are living with a chronic health condition, walking fast for example may not be an option. These are simply some suggestions. Whenever you think of something you enjoy, that nurtures you, add that to your self-care list.
Choose whatever improves your mood and make that your priority – mind you – please!
What self-care practice can you incorporate into your day today?
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Procrastination
Putting Off Procrastination!
At home if I’m spotted tidying or cleaning, the question is asked: ‘Caroline, what are you avoiding?’ because if I’m cleaning, it’s evident that I ought to be doing something else entirely!
Caroline cleaning = Caroline procrastinating!
So what is procrastination? It’s dithering or delaying or postponing something that we know we should/would/could be doing but have difficulty getting started or finishing!
Procrastination is part of being human but it can get us in trouble when there are negative consequences for not following through and completing important tasks particularly for work or college.
There are several reasons why we procrastinate and they’re each individual.
Do you know why you procrastinate? What are your procrastination distractions i.e. the activities used as a diversion away from whatever needs to be done?
People joke about putting off procrastination! It’s not laziness. It’s not (always) a result of poor time-management. I hear arguments that tasks are often left to the last minute because ‘I work best when under pressure’. This translates as last-minute-dot-com and there are risks with this approach e.g. someone could get sick, software mightn’t work, issues with childcare etc. It also means that we don’t give the task our best effort – we do the best we can in a limited timeframe.
We might procrastinate because we feel tired and don’t have the energy to start. We might think life is far too short to spend time doing boring tasks. We may feel unmotivated. It could be a case of ‘if I never start, then I can’t fail’ or ‘if I start, I will fail’ or ‘it won’t be perfect so I won’t do it’ or ‘others would be way better than me at this so why bother?’
There are several reasons why we procrastinate e.g. low self-esteem, perfectionistic tendencies, overwhelmed, catastrophic thinking, anticipating disapproval etc.
The issue with procrastination is that it usually doesn’t help us feel better. We can avoid something for a while but in the long run, we may potentially feel worse because pressure mounts and tasks don’t magically disappear.
What to do?
ACCOUNTABILITY. Tell someone! Holding yourself accountable can help motivate you to kick-start the task. This person can also offer support if needed.
PLAN. What exactly needs to be done? Write a list of tasks in order of priority. Determine the time required for their completion. Be specific.
SET GOALS. Desmond Tutu said “there is only one way to eat an elephant, a bite at a time” meaning even those tasks that may initially appear impossible, can be accomplished by completing little parts, one at a time i.e. taking baby steps in the right direction!
Looking at any task in terms of smaller pieces makes it less intimidating. Break down every task into daily, weekly monthly goals* etc. depending on your schedule.
FOCUS. Keep your eye on what you want to achieve rather than on what you’re trying to avoid. Once you make a start, examine what’s going well. Stay focused on successes and little wins.
SELF-TALK. Motivational rather than critical self-talk is necessary and beneficial. Pay attention to your inner critic. This is not a time for criticism but rather a time for encouragement and praise.
IGNORE DISTRACTIONS. Resist the urge when tempted to use an excuse or, as in my case, to go cleaning! Fight against any delaying tactics. Make a ten minute start on something. Turn off your mobile or leave it in another room.
A done something is better than a perfect nothing! Some people start with tough tasks and this is entirely personal preference for me starting something is best. Once off the starting blocks, you’re on your way towards success. *Reward yourself every time you finish a goal.
If you cannot get started, decide whether this task is absolutely necessary because sometimes giving up can be a relief – perhaps talk this through with a friend, in confidence or gain perspective with a counsellor or psychotherapist.
We enter romantic relationships giving our trust and our hearts to another with the hope that neither will be broken. The reality is that most of us know what relationship breakups are like and how it feels to have our hearts broken or at least scarred or dented!
People of every age attend counselling and psychotherapy following the end of a relationship. Any relationship ending, regardless of its length, can leave us reeling. If you are experiencing loss following a relationship breakup, here are some pointers that might help:
Firstly, allow yourself to feel however you feel. When grieving the loss of a relationship and the loss of future plans, it helps to identify emotions rather than block them. There’s nothing wrong with crying (although it’s awkward at work or in the supermarket)! Be reassured that the intensity of the emotion lessens over time. Initially, we might go through a vast array of reactions including shock or disbelief, sadness, anger, fear, guilt, jealousy, regret, swearing off any future relationships etc and although we think we are stuck in our sadness for ever, our feelings change.
Sometimes the overwhelming sense of loss follows a period of numbness or vice versa and both reactions are equally human! There is no single, linear response to loss or grief. Our reactions are as individual as we are so there’s no right or wrong way to experience grief or loss so we go through it and we recover bringing our new learning to the next relationship.
Because we may not have been the person to end the relationship, we may feel rejected and get stuck on questions such as ‘What’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me?’ and if our ex is in a new relationship ‘What does his new partner have that I don’t have?’ This is typical but unhelpful. Try to manage thinking and thoughts so that mentally you don’t enter a wormhole of rejection. We rarely think, ‘what’s wrong with him that he doesn’t want to be with me’ which might be more useful!
Be supported by others. Talking about the loss is helpful regardless of how private you are. Share thoughts and feelings in confidence with a trustworthy friend or with a therapist. G.P.s have contact details of local counsellors or psychotherapists and www.mymind.org provides a sliding scale of fees throughout Ireland.
Although we might not feel like meeting people, stay in friendly contact. We might find ourselves in a position where our friendship group changed as a result of the relationship loss, so try to say ‘yes’ to social invites because spending time in the company of others is beneficial. It takes our minds off ourselves even for a little while. Be with people who are easy to be with and who value your company. If it seems like committing to social engagements is simply too much of a struggle or output of energy, then perhaps take time out to heal and decline invitations, however, put a time-limit on the social break so it doesn’t extend indefinitely and become social isolation.
Invest in a journal and start writing! Use the journal as a positivity notebook – despite the presence of dark emotional clouds, writing something positive every day or writing a positive word can be helpful. Reminiscing on past achievements or issues that you’ve previously overcome can feel pleasant in the present. If journaling about your feelings is helpful, then go for it! Write what you have learned from your relationship so you can improve future relationships.
Examine what might have been done differently, but not in a self-loathing way, more from a learning perspective – what’s the lesson to be learned from this hurt and heartache?
Communication is difficult and we may feel like we were never heard or listened to by our former partner. Rather than carry negativity, blame and resentment towards the other person, remind yourself that you tried your best and the intention was never that anyone would be hurt.
Concentrate on how you can best look after yourself now and into the future. Make aplan of action (in your new journal) or start a new routine for meeting the basic needs of diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation, social interaction etc. Write a daily or weekly schedule, regardless of how simple, because it can help to provide a sense of purpose and achievement when completed. Include self-care as part of the routine whether it is to walk in a forest or play music you love (or both at the same time!), making time to care for yourself is important for healing and recovery.
Exercise is critical to your recovery – it helps utilise stress hormones that can cause physical symptoms e.g. aches and pains, an upset tummy or digestive issues.
Avoid unhelpful and unhealthy choices following a relationship breakup such as using illicit drugs or relying on alcohol to cope or overeating, self-harm, over-working or excessive gambling. Constantly distracting yourself from the reality of your life and the loss may work for a little while but not indefinitely. Instead, pay attention to what you need to soothe yourself and consciously encourage yourself.
Try not to keep false hope that they’ll come back and all will be well once ‘they see sense’. Life is too short to wait for someone to return following a relationship breakup. Respect their decision and choice to end the relationship. Do you want to be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, or who doubts the future success of your relationship? If the answer to this question is ‘no’, then allow them to leave. Sometimes when hurt, it can be helpful to set a time-limit or deadline after-which it is important to acknowledge that the relationship is over, when acceptance becomes the priority (not revenge or ill-will, but acceptance).
Spending time on our own with our thoughts is growthful. Being independent and being able to identify and meet our own wants and needs will benefit all future relationships.
Although it might feel very daunting initially, there is life, love and happiness after relationship breakups.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Enjoy Today
Enjoy Today!
Enjoy your day today! Accept it for what it is whether nice or not so nice and keep in mind that the best of life and love is ahead.
Many people are feeling anxious even with the current national vaccine roll-out. That is understandable. The future is unclear and that’s what fuels anxiety – uncertainty. Many are wondering when, if ever, they will feel calm and happy! So, today I am encouraging – acceptance.
Acceptance is key to living a contented life. It does not mean that we stop having goals. It means that we accept life is the way it is right now. Life is messy and unpredictable. Acceptance means acknowledging the problem and making a plan of action for the solution whenever the problem is within our control.
The Big Book in AA mentions acceptance as “When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment”.
Acceptance is not giving up or giving in.
Acceptance is acknowledging and facing the difficulty rather than fighting against it.
Covid-19 is global. We have no way of knowing whether there will be another wave or outbreak or if there’ll be another virus. That is completely outside of our personal control. We can continue to fight that in our minds, be unsettled about the future, creating an anxiety based on “what if…..” thinking OR alternatively we can accept that the future is never within our control. All we can ever do is our best. That is what everyone is doing, their best. You might be tempted to criticise others because they do not live by your standards, however, your standards are not for anyone else because their yours. Acceptance requires that you allow others to make mistakes, while you actively live your life as best you can, for you.
The thoughts, feelings, emotions that we fight the hardest can often be the most bothersome. Trying to fight fear and anxiety creates panic within us. Trying to fight an unwanted thought creates an intrusive thought. Perhaps instead of internally fighting feelings or thoughts try to accept thoughts and feelings.
Start by acknowledging the feeling / thought / emotion / mood and let it come and go like a wave. Every human has unwanted/strange thoughts but when calm we don’t give them airtime, we don’t put a spotlight on them. Whenever we feel stressed or sad and have unwanted thoughts, we might believe that our thoughts mean something (or are symbolic) but that is untrue and inaccurate.
Thoughts are not us, they are part of our imagination. Much like feelings are not facts – they are as changeable as Irish weather!
Trying to rid ourselves of unwanted thoughts can cause the opposite to happen, grabbling our attention, focus and engagement. When we accept that everyone has strange thoughts as part of the human experience, we accept that our minds are amazing. The same is true of our emotions. We might feel angry or anxious and this too is part of being human and alive.
When we learn to accept life, we put our energy into doing our best and can better appreciate what we have in our lives, the positives and beauty around us.
Slow down enough to experience and express appreciation.
For those of you who live by the sea, when is the last time you noticed the beauty of the reflection in the calmness of the water? That is appreciating living and life.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Healthier Choices
Making Healthier Choices Using The Three Ds
True Confession: I am tired of Covid-19! I am looking forward to life without masks and recognising people from their whole face, not just their eyes and eyebrows! I am also looking forward to hugging, kissing and handshakes – each of which, I also confess, I took for granted!
Covid-19, referred to as a “novel coronavirus (nCoV)” is a new strain, and not something we lived through before. We have no previous experience or benchmark so our reactions to Covid-19 are also novel. We can expect to be somewhat ruffled by this pandemic.
Humans, by our very nature, are creatures of habit and we like to think that we know what our future holds. We may feel a little cautious about our future because we do not have an end date for Covid-19. However, if we stay focused on the present, make healthy choices and form beneficial habits, we will be better able to face whatever lies ahead. Making healthier choices helps us feel good in the moment and is an investment in our future health.
The decisions we make today have the potential to affect and impact us long-term. We rarely keep that in mind when we overindulge in highly processed foods, use drugs, drink alcohol, smoke, drive irresponsibly etc. While watching tv we might consume snacks simply because they are close by but not because we are hungry. The process of eating is often automatic rather than consciously slowing down, savouring aromas, sensing textures and tasting our food. Making a conscientious effort to enjoy every morsel that we ingest is a mindful, healthy choice.
We are never too old or too out of shape to make healthier choices – it is never too late!
Making healthier choices can include drinking more water, increasing cardio fitness and resistance training, reducing stressors, eating nutritious foods, quitting (or cutting down) smoking, improving our sleep routine, limiting screen time, stopping self-injurious thoughts or behaviours, connecting more with others, saying ‘no’ to things we don’t want to do – the list is endless! The benefits of making healthier choices can include feeling more confident, weight loss, improved mood, body strengthening, reducing the risk of health-related issues such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, cancer, obesity etc.
Make a plan by setting some goals that are reasonable, achievable, and specific. It can be difficult to make healthy choices even when we know that making the right choice is rewarding – we are human and fallible and succumb to temptation and give in to old habits!
The more often we make healthy choices, the easier they become. Acknowledge your decisions and choices. Whenever tempted to do or choose something unhelpful or harmful, use the three D’s.
DELAY, DISTRACT, DECIDE
When craving something unhelpful (or harmful) delay by a pre-determined x number of minutes and the craving will pass. If we can learn to postpone immediate gratification we are winning!
Whenever a craving starts, distract yourself. Ideally (if possible) do something sporty or at least something physical to help focus your attention and distract your thoughts (away from the craving).
After you delay and distract yourself from the craving, decide that you are not going to do whatever it is you initially craved.
Remind yourself of your reasons to change and the advantages of leading a healthier life and making positive choices.
Rather like life, our plans are not always spot-on. Whenever there is a setback or upset (or a not-so-healthy choice), resume quickly and get back on track as fast as possible. Life is not linear or straightforward. Keep yourself forward-facing, looking towards the future.
Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, keep moving, stay active, hydrate with water and find joy (it’s everywhere – it’s hiding in open view)!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Therapy Goals
Therapy Goals
You may be thinking about attending therapy. Or you might have started counselling or psychotherapy. Deciding on your objective(s) for the therapy process is helpful by writing your goals. What would you like to achieve – what is the end result, when you look back, how will you know that your time in counselling, psychotherapy or with a psychologist has been beneficial?
Writing the answers to the following questions can help set clear therapy goals.
These goals can be reviewed as the process of therapy progresses.
What led you to therapy?
What are three broad therapy goals?
1.
2.
3.
What is the best possible outcome if you achieve goal 1 above?
What is the best possible outcome if you achieve goal 2 above?
What is the best possible outcome if you achieve goal 3 above?
If you achieve your therapy goals today (as if by magic), what would be different tomorrow?
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Being Present
Some of us thought we would be jetting off on holidays this summer and our plans have changed. It is helpful to remember that nothing stays the same. Everything is temporary. We will again holiday in other countries, in the future, if we so choose.
I am encouraging living in the now. It might sound difficult or even impossible but being aware of the present moment has benefits. It allows us to be more aware of what is going on in our body and in our mind.
Developing the skill of being present improves our relationships with ourselves and with others. I think the world would be a better place if we become more aware and lived in the present moment.
We can learn to bring our attention to the present in ways such as deep breathing – a relaxation tool we can use regardless of age or where or what we are doing.
We all know someone who does not listen when we speak. They might ask a question and, as you answer, you see their eyes glaze-over or they might interrupt your answer with another question. If we are fully present and listen, we can show others they are valued and that we care. When we listen, we are not trying to think of our response, we are concentrating on what the other person is saying. We are attentive and we are present, and we do not interrupt.
When we meet someone, resist the urge to judge. Resist the temptation to think about what they think of you. Stay in the present, concentrate, be curious and be kind. Give that person (whoever they are) your time.
Try not to think too much about what has happened in the past because the past is gone. Try not to let our minds wander too far off into the future because that is simply our imagination, it is nothing more than a daydream. Come into the present by paying attention to your body – perhaps you might wriggle your toes or gaze at the sky to find cloud formations – your toes and the clouds can only be in the present moment!
Pay attention to whatever task you are doing whether it is brushing your teeth or baking bread, give it your best effort. Concentrate. Allow yourself time and slow your approach to every task. There is never a need to rush and race. Find the happiness or joy in everything you do.
Try to go without social media. We do not need to be consistently online – our brains and eyes need a break. Exercise – we all know how good it is for our mental and physical health.
When you enjoy something/someone – say it and give thanks. Tell your friends that you enjoy being with them, that you enjoy their company or are grateful they give you their time. Along with thanks try to spot opportunities for which to be grateful. Be grateful for the little things. You can tell someone that you are grateful they are in your life or write down those for whom you are thankful. Keep it simple, “today I am grateful that I was able to meet my friend / enjoy a nice meal alone” Do something nice for someone else without anyone finding out.
Pay attention to your reactions and emotions. If we do not know how we are feeling, it is difficult to know what or how we can make positive change.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Declutter!
Just for a minute, try to imagine your dream home. Visualise the interior, as you walk through the house in your mind’s eye, imagine each room. Is there any dust? Anything stored under beds? Are the wardrobes and rooms well-organised? I guess there is zero clutter in any imaginary home.
I’d love if someone came into my house, ideally while I’m away, and did a huge clear-out. I’d return to an almost empty home and only have what I need. I doubt that I’d miss anything once it’s gone but I can’t imagine anyone volunteering to wade through my bookshelves, crammed with books as yet unread (tsundoku*) and do spring clean!
We can hoard anything –food, medicines, clothes, books, electronics, videos (even if we no longer have a video-cassette player). Some houses have a drawer full of whatchamacallits or a lifetime of ornaments or baby toys that belong to now adult children or a closet full of tired sheets or hard towels (so you can exfoliate as you dry!) …the list is endless.
When any house is full, it can be difficult to find important things. Advantages to clearing areas of your home include having fewer things to dust or tidy and having way more space. I’m not the only person with unnecessary items at home and I think everyone benefits from regular decluttering.
Why do we hold onto things that we haven’t used or worn for ages but are reluctant to part with? Decluttering can be difficult. We often feel that we must keep things in case we find a use for them in the future. Because clothes were expensive, we can feel attached to them and it can be hard to let them go. We give more value to our possessions than someone else would.
If you want to declutter ask someone to help. Others have no emotional attachment to your belongings neither did they pay for them and so will find it easier to clear them for / with you.
We might think our stuff is valuable but ask yourself whether you’ve used it in the past year and whether you would buy it if you didn’t own it!
Start decluttering by spending a few minutes every day clearing one small area at a time e.g. medicine cabinet, kitchen cupboard, drawer, shelf, storage box etc. Give your lovely clothes to women’s refuges, Direct Provision centres, homeless shelters, or charity shops. When it comes to nostalgic children’s books or old toys, give them to your adult child (and resist the urge to ask what they did with them). Take photographs of documents and store them online. Save on physical storage space and keep minimalist living in mind as you do your clear-out.
Once an area is clear, change your behaviour. Keep newly-tidied areas clutter-free. Put things back in their place after use. Be disciplined.
Start decluttering today. Begin by taking baby steps and just like a baby, whenever you fall down, get back up and keep on going.
Separately, and on a serious note, if you feel that in need of support, free-text HELLO to 50808 which is a free 24/7 text service, providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for an emotional crisis.
*tsundoku is acquiring reading materials and allowing them to pile up at home without reading them of which I am guilty!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Gratitude in a Pandemic?!
Gratitude In A Pandemic?!
We are living in uncertain times and people are affected by Covid-19 in ways which we may not realise. Being socially isolated from work colleagues and family members; not hugging loved ones (or anyone); uncertainty about how or where to meet a partner; deferred hospital appointments and cancelled treatment plans; family living in other countries; prospective parents unable to attend antenatal visits or be present for the birth – there is a plethora of issues outside of staying socially distant, washing hands and disinfecting our homes and/or work areas.
People are suffering physically, emotionally, and economically. It is important that we try to build our resilience for what lies ahead. Now is the time for us to appreciate that we are doing our best. Finger pointing and blame won’t help. It might seem impossible to feel any level of gratitude having lost a job, working reduced hours, facing a divorce, under financial pressure etc. but we can develop gratitude by learning how to control our thoughts and channel our focus.
Life is complex, tough, and unpredictable BUT learning how to control our thoughts can prevent us from sinking under the weight of worry.
Gratitude is training your mind to spot the things that went well rather than recounting everything that went wrong. Focusing on the present, appreciating yourself and all that you do. We tend to focus on the one thing that went wrong rather than on everything else that went right!
Every morning or evening take a few minutes to think about what mattes most in your life. Write three things for which you are grateful – the simple things are ideal.
I am grateful for access to health care, a warm shower, morning coffee, mobility, literacy, a nice towel, fruit, a loving family…
For October, I am encouraging everyone to write “Three things for which I am grateful” every day. On days when it is a struggle to nail three things, maybe ask yourself what was nice today? What went well? Did I get up? Have the freedom to leave the house? Exercise, stretch, speak with someone, have a nice sandwich, read something helpful? These are things for which we can be grateful. I once had the pleasure of meeting Gabriel Byrne who said he is grateful for his breath.
Phone or visit a neighbour or someone you know who could do with a chat. We are social creatures and need connection to feel mentally steady. By reaching out to help someone else, you both benefit. Be the person who is helping someone else through the month and through the winter of 2020. That’s something to be grateful for – being helpful.
For October, maybe keep a gratitude journal. This task becomes easier over time and as the days pass, I found I’d spot things throughout the day and I’d think “well that’s going in the journal tonight”. Give it a go and even if you miss a day or two, resume as soon as you can. There are universal benefits to exercising gratitude rather like physical exercise – we might not want to do it but we feel good afterwards! If we can exercise gratitude in a pandemic, we build resilience to face whatever the future holds.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Take positive action!
Take positive action!
Make the most of the okay/good times so we can be better equipped for difficult times. Life is messy and complicated. Here are some ways to take positive action to help us feel better and cope well with whatever comes our way.
We have one body. Care for and cherish it. When we are fit, we feel strong, confident, and ready to face the world head-on.
Eat foods that are not processed. Enforce that rule for children in the run-up to mealtimes (e.g. veg, fruit).
Drink water first thing in the morning and hydrate throughout the day. Get up earlier than you currently do. Use that time to stretch and write a plan for the day ahead.
Love yourself right now. Do not wait for some imaginary point in the future. You are the youngest you will ever be today!
Be amused by simple things. Laugh at your mistakes. Stop taking yourself seriously.
Be mindful of wandering into unhelpful and unpleasant thoughts about either the past or the future. Recall past events to examine the lessons learned but not to give yourself a hard time. The future is imaginary. When we start a sentence with “what if…..” it’s usually an anxious thought. We rarely say, “what if it’s a raging success” or “what if I love it”. Make plans and set goals. Take control of your thoughts and tackle your worries by becoming aware and challenging any negative inner dialogue.
Give praise generously (yourself and others).
Practice the skill of living in the moment. Learn a relaxation technique such as calm breathing, yoga, meditation etc. Watch birds feed or the trees move in the breeze. Walk barefoot in the garden or beach. Create space in your day to create space in your mind.
Smile. Even if wearing a mask. It lifts your mood.
Stay connected to others. Phone people for a chat. Better still, meet someone for a walk. Offer help whenever you can. Say “no” whenever you can’t. We feel good when we are helping. Bake for neighbours or give friends flowers from your garden. Treat yourself to things you enjoy such as a bubbly bath.
Comparisons never work and they don’t change anything! Stop mind reading or guessing what others think.
Be gentle in your thoughts, behaviour, and words.
Schedule time every week to tackle your worries. Write them down, examine them. Make a plan of action. Ask yourself what advice you’d give to a close friend about a problem you face and then take your own advice! Allow people to help you. Seek counsel and support.
Complaining or gossiping do not bring about positive change.
Learn to let go of your attachment to physical things. De-clutter. Let go of the past and of unrealistic expectations.
Forgive as best you can. Accept whatever wrongdoings that happened. Leave your past in the past and learn to be forward-facing (towards your future). Despite all that has happened, you are alive. Celebrate living.
We are all human. We make mistakes. Everyone is vulnerable. We all have a breaking point and a limit. You never know what is going on in someone’s life or head. Always be kind.
You hold a unique place in this world.
You make a difference.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Worry
How To Tackle Worry
September brings change and change can bring worry. Worrying is part of our lives but for many, worry can dominate thoughts and interfere with daily life. I have heard people say, “I’d worry if I didn’t have something to worry about!”
Worrying does not prepare us for every eventuality. Life is unpredictable. Even though we worry about the future, it does not prepare us for the worst-case scenario should it happen. Worrying neither prevents problems nor offers solutions.
Worry robs us of joy and can drive anxieties. We rarely think, “what if it all works out well”. Worrying can become a habit. The good news is that most habits can be broken. If we spent years worrying, it is unlikely we will stop overnight but we can positively improve our worrying by undertaking the following steps:
Limit the time you allow yourself to worry. Set aside a specific 30-minute appointment (with yourself) and designate it as your “worry time”. Perhaps 30 mins per day to start while working towards 30 minutes once per week. The objective is not to ignore, avoid or suppress worries but to learn how to contain the worrying so it does not take over every facet of the day or of life.
Postpone. Rather than trying to stop a worry, acknowledge it but delay dwelling on it for another time.
Journal or keep notes in your phone and record your worries. This may appear time-consuming particularly initially but there may be repeated worries or the same worry in different guises! While noting a worry, remind and reassure yourself that you do not have to sort it out immediately, all worries will be dealt with in the allocated “worry time”.
Worrying and problem-solving are vastly different. While we are worrying, we may feel less anxious. While we are worrying we may feel proactive. Worrying gives us the illusion that we are accomplishing something. Constant or persistent worrying can prevent us from feeling while we stay caught up in our minds, we don’t pay attention to what’s going on in our bodies. When it comes to the ‘worry time’ take out your list of worries and go through them. Ask yourself whether the worry is outside or within your control? If within, start problem-solving. List every possible solution regardless of how simplistic. Focus on the most appropriate solution. Put a plan of action into place. If the worry is outside your control or not solvable, learn to accept uncertainty.
This suggestion is tough. Rather than thinking “what if” scenarios, imagine the worst-case scenario. Picture the thing you fear as vividly as you can. Sit with the uncomfortable feelings it raises for a few minutes. Repeat this say every day until the discomfort lessens. Allowing yourself time to feel discomfort over time lessens the fear as you learn to face what was previously unimaginable. Doing this step with someone you trust such as a therapist is ideal.
When we worry, we have worried thoughts. Pay attention to your worried thoughts. Are they facts or opinion, belief or definite? Do you have evidence to support the thought or to dispel it? What is the likelihood of the worry becoming a reality? How would you cope if it did happen? How would you help a friend with similar worried thoughts? Reassure yourself that we do not have to worry all the time and if we find that we are, what purpose is it serving?
Pay attention to what you feel in your body. What are your emotions. What sensations do you experience? Learn how to relax your body and your mind. Give yourself a break. Self-care is not self-indulgent, it is vital.
We live with uncertainty. We always have. Perhaps now is a good time to treat yourself as you would a dear friend and be self-kind.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Deep Breathing
Deep Breathing is a relaxation tool we can use anytime, anywhere – once we know how.
Whenever I talk about alleviating stress, I generally give the warning that relaxation is not throwing yourself on the sofa with a glass of wine! Picture the scene – lying on the sofa, wine in hand, open giant-size pack of crisps or sweets balanced close-by and then you spot that the tv remote is not within your reach so if you can’t lasso it (!), rather than stand up and walk to retrieve it, you wait to ask someone to pass it to you! Well, bad news folks, this is not real relaxation. I know that taking time-out in front of the tv after a stressful day might feel like relaxation but it does little to reduce the effects of stress on our bodies.
There are several relaxation options which can help us combat the effects of stress. I find the rhythm of a run helpful and I love dancing (although I am neither a natural runner nor dancer!). Relaxation also comes in the form of walking; massage; Tai chi; meditation; yoga; progressive muscle relaxation; deep breathing or visualisation. Like everything else, relaxation is personal – please do whatever works best for you.
If you are around people all the time you may crave solitude so relaxation techniques that you can do alone might suit, giving yourself an opportunity to disconnect from everyone/thing and recharge your batteries. Explain to others in your family you need time away – teach your children and your loved ones that time alone is beneficial. If you crave company, a group relaxation class might be best but in the absence of in-person group classes, deep breathing is an effective relaxation technique for everyone (regardless of age or stage of life).
When we are anxious, we tend to take short, quick breaths. This can make us feel even more anxious so it’s a vicious circle. Deep breathing can be used whenever we feel anxious or stressed but, like every new skill, it requires practice. Once we master deep breathing, we can use it anywhere. Paying attention to our breath and breathing is the cornerstone of many relaxation practices such as yoga or meditation.
Perhaps light some aromatherapy candles or play soothing music to help create a relaxing ambiance.
Deep breathing activates your body’s relaxation response, lowering your heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels. Practice while feeling calm to become comfortable before using it when feeling stressed or anxious.
Sit comfortably with your back straight ideally rest your arms on the arm rests of your chair. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Breathe in through your nose to a count of 4*. The hand on your stomach will move outwards as your tummy expands. The hand on your chest barely moves. Hold your breath for 1 or 2 seconds. Exhale through your mouth to a count of 6*, pushing out as much air as you can (imagine that you are blowing out candles). The hand on your stomach should move inwards as you exhale, but the hand on your chest moves very little. Pause for 1 or 2 seconds. Then repeat for a couple of minutes.
*Find a count that works well for you – it may be an inhale count of 6 and an exhale count of 8.
Practice deep breathing for a couple of minutes a couple of times a day. Over time you will find a flow that works well for you. It takes patience. If you find it a little difficult to breathe into and from your tummy while you are sitting up (remember it takes practice), perhaps try lying on your back in a comfortable place. Try putting a light book on your tummy. The book rises as you inhale and falls as you exhale. You’ll know when you’re adept because you need to concentrate less and less on your tummy. Try to incorporate it in to your daily routine. Every time I visit the bathroom or get into or out of the car I breathe deeply to help me feel relaxed and in control. But I remember when I first began calm breathing or deep breathing, it made me feel a little anxious and I know now that happens because we are changing our breathing and our system is trying to figure out what is happening!
We cannot avoid anxiety as it is part of being human and stress comes in many forms. Deep breathing is to help us stay in control of our big reactions or strong emotions. It can be used anywhere once you know how and no one knows that you’re doing it (don’t use your hands when you’re in company!).
Once you know how, incorporate calm/deep breathing into your day – simply counting as you inhale into your tummy, hold, and count as you exhale. Perhaps do this whenever you brush your teeth or hair or maybe whenever you wash your hands with soap or use hand sanitizer!!
Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Pandemic
Pandemic
Did we ever think that this might happen? I never thought for one minute that my business could change overnight. All scheduled talks and training courses cancelled for the foreseeable future. One-to-one appointments continue, but for the time-being, appointments are conducted online. It just goes to prove that we cannot plan for life and that life gets in the way of our plans! Strange times indeed. These are uncharted waters.
The government has issued guidelines to safeguard our health, to help prevent the spread of the virus and ultimately to “flatten the curve”. As I write we are all restricting our movement, reducing social interaction and contact. For those of us who are not self-isolating and can venture outdoors, we are to maintain a physical distance of 2 meters from others.
We know what we are to do, being careful now is important in the long run. Respect your health and that of others. It is better to be vigilant in the short term rather than having regrets in the long term.
We do not know what the future holds but we have never known what the future holds. We like to think we that we are in control of our lives because it helps us manage our anxieties. Anxiety is an inevitable part of life and is to be expected right now. Life as we know it has changed, however, this current situation is not for ever.
For the time-being to help alleviate anxieties, it’s important to acknowledge your worries. What exactly is causing you stress – write down a list of the sources of your anxiety. Be solutions focused. Make a plan of action to help overcome and/or manage each worry because having a plan helps alleviate anxiety and a plan gives us a greater sense of control.
Sharing your concerns with a trusted friend or family member can help you gain perspective. If you have no one in your life that you would tell, please reach out and talk to a professional. Counsellors and psychotherapists are here to listen and here to help.
There is comfort in knowing someone is at the end of the phone who will listen 24 hours of the day, 7 days per week and the Samaritans can be contacted on 116123
Take breaks from news reports and the constant barrage of pandemic updates. Being online helps us feel connected, however, it is important to avoid misinformation and information saturation.
Having a hobby is vital – knit, crochet, bake, draw, garden, paint, walk, run, sing, play music, learn an instrument or a language. Send postcards to people – the post-offices are open. Use an online app such as Calm or Headspace or check online resources such as GROW mental health charity
Journal about your daily experiences and write about the positives in your day. You can keep this journal as a record to look back on in years to come when this is over and is history.
Keep a routine. Get up, shower, get dressed. Look good, feel well. Tidy your living areas and keep them clean. Eat at regular times. What might be described as boring routines are familiar and there’s comfort in whatever is familiar!
Mind your body to mind your mind. The keys to minding your body as you know are diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation and connection.
Eat healthy foods and eat regularly. Hydrate with water. Be mindful of your alcohol and caffeine intake as both negatively interfere with the quality of our sleep. Go to bed and get up at the same time – keep a good sleep hygiene routine. Keep a notepad beside your bed and if there’s anything bothering you or keeping you from sleeping, write the worry into your notebook so you can empty your mind and sleep. You can devise a solution for your worries the following day. Little, if nothing, can be resolved at night-time.
Assign a designated worry time. Rather than constantly having worries in your mind (day or night) set aside a specific period say 20 minutes every day to deal with all worries. Write every issue into your notebook and at the designated time, take out the notebook and go through each issue, asking yourself whether the issue is inside your control or outside your control. If something is within your control, then write down what you are going to do about it. Cross off each issue as you deal with it.
Only ever tackle your problems and worries in day light. Start with a scheduled worry time every day then move towards every second day and eventually work towards deferring your worries to once per week. This gets you into the habit of deferring or postponing worries to be dealt with at a designated and specific time only. This can help you deal with every worry which ultimately reduces anxiety.
Kindness has never been more important – please be kind to everyone. This is a trying and testing time and people are under pressure so please exercise patience with others. Show kindness whenever possible. We are all doing our best.
Read real paper books (limit your screen time).
When working from home or working remotely prepare for your workday as usual (as if you were leaving home to go to work). Look the part and feel the part. Plan your days and weeks. Schedule work, leisure, family and down time. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of always having access to emails and a laptop on your lap! Take breaks just as you would if you were in an office or in your usual place of work.
Rather than allow your brain to go into worry mode, do something positive that may help you feel less stressed like pick up the phone to a friend or file your nails or put on hand-cream. Use your time wisely, it’s better to be busy than bored.
Stay active. Move your body. When adverts come on the tv, use those minutes to stretch your body (stretch to feel tension not pain). Find opportunities to move – when washing up or brushing your teeth, stand on your tippy toes or balance on one leg. Dance at every opportunity. Use canned foods or bottles of water as weights. Marching on the spot or doing jumping jacks is a great way to increase your heart rate and that’s always the goal, to get your blood pumping and keep your system active.
As well as exercise, slow breathing helps to calm us. It helps our brain and bodies slow down. Lie on your bed, inhale slowly and feel your tummy rise as you fill your lungs with air, hold and exhale slowly while your tummy falls as the air leaves your lungs. Count as you inhale and count as you exhale. If you have never practiced slowing down your breath, please start slowly, count as you inhale, hold for a second then count as you exhale. Your goal is to reach inhaling to a slow count of five, holding for two and exhaling to a count of six. You might do this as you brush your hair or put on your shoes but try to incorporate slow breathing into your daily routine – a new positive habit. We all take bathroom breaks so take a couple of slow breaths every time you are washing your hands in the bathroom – it’s a healthy new habit.
Go outside and if not possible, sit near a window, look at and admire the sky. The world is still spinning on its axis. Life will continue. Day follows night. The lowest ebb is the turning of the tide.
We are still alive and have reasons to be grateful. Every day look for the light that sparks your day. We have so very many reasons to be grateful even in a pandemic.
Connect with others if not in person, connect online. Text, send emails or music playlists. Chat with others. Avoid being isolated. Hearing the sound of your own voice is important – please phone people, chat with neighbours over the fence, chat with your family about everyday things (and every conversation does not need to be about the virus). Help a neighbour with their garden or fence that needs repairing.
Exercise self-care and self-compassion. Take it easy on yourself. This is a strange time and you can only do your best.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do not struggle alone. Chat with someone whom you know is a logical, rational person.
Seeing our grey roots appear might be a reminder that the world is different. I’m not sure that I have any suggestion because all of us who dye our hair will have grey roots soon! We are in all in this together. That’s important to keep in mind – we are all in the same boat.
Now that we are in May 2020, whether we are cocooning or shielding, working or not, trying to be a teacher to our children or living alone, regardless of our current circumstances it is reasonable to say we are all somehow affected by Covid-19.
Stay connected. Even when we are living on our own, relationships are key to feeling in control. Connection with others will help us get through this difficult time. Reach out to organisations that provide telephone listening services if you do not have someone in your life to contact. Knowing that someone is at the end of the phone is comforting.
We feel good when we know we are helping others. Reach out and connect with people particularly those living alone. Family members are often the last to know when someone is lonely or struggling. A regular phone-call might be all someone needs to feel less afraid. “Hello, how are you?” those four words connect us.
Avoid information saturation. We do not need constant Corona updates. Decide what information you need, from what source and stick with that. Be disciplined with your day. The constant stream of information can drain our mental and emotional resources. We might have a radio on in the kitchen, a tv sounding in another room, whilst talking on our mobile. Sit with silence every now and then.
It is beneficial for our minds to give whatever we are doing our full attention. Focus on the task in hand. Look for whatever brings joy – admiring flowers, bird song, cloud formations, reading fiction etc. When we focus our attention, we quieten and gain control over our thoughts. Stop running on autopilot. Become conscious of all actions. Being mindful helps us keep our thoughts in -the present and not in the anxious-uncertain-future or the regret-filled-past.
To remain calm while Covid-19 is our new reality have structure and routine. Have a daily plan which includes exercise, self-care, social time/connection, meals, breaks, reading, prayer… whatever plan you make, try to adhere to it. Go to and get out of bed at set times. Shower. Get your day off to a good start by dressing well. When we feel we look good, we feel good. It does not matter whether anyone sees you, you see you. Try not to worry if it is difficult to sleep the whole night through, rest and relaxation are beneficial. If you cannot sleep on a persistent basis, firstly chat with your pharmacist who might have suggestions but please seek help.
Challenge your brain. Keep your mind active. Text or brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand. Do puzzles/jigsaws. Try something demanding and keep those cogs turning! Perhaps do a free online course like those on alison.com or coursera.org
Never underestimate the importance of water for brain function. Being hydrated helps: lubricate joints; flush waste products; prevent digestive difficulties; keep temperature regulated; boost exercise performance; promote kidney health; deliver nutrients to cells; prevent infections; keep skin supple; improve sleep quality, cognition and overall mood. By drinking more water than you are losing, you are helping your heart do its job. Stay hydrated by sipping water throughout the day.
Spring is here. Summer is on the way.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Covid-19 Online Things To Do
Online things to do to keep busy during Covid-19
Here is a list of things we can do online while we remain indoors. Help is at hand during Covid-19. Here is a list of resources from school learning to listening to jazz to online courses and there’s something for everyone.
Everyman Theatre Cork has put together a wonderful list of resources including supports for artistes as well as all forms of art, theatre from your home, music, film, opera and links for children and adults.
Learn how to play that instrument you’ve been wanting to learn with Fender Play
Covid-19 Helplines exist to support you in these very unprecedented times. Please click on the links which will bring you to the organisation’s website address. This list will be updated.
Alone 0818 222 024 Open 8am-8pm for people who have concerns relating to the Coronavirus
Aware are operating freephone support line available to adults seeking support re depression or bipolar disorder. 1800 804 848 (7 days p.w. 10am-10pm)
Barnardos have launched a dedicated telephone and email support service to provide advice to parents on a wide range of issues that may have come up during this time. If you or someone you know needs extra parental support phone 1800 910 123 between 10am-2pm Monday to Friday or email parentsupport@barnardos.ie
Bodywhys offer email and online support groups. Eating Disorders Association of Ireland 01 2107906
Local Authority help especially for people who are cocooning or isolated 0818 222024 Community Support
FLAC Contact 1890 350 250 or 01 874 5690 if you have a legal query. This free legal advice centre helpline is open Monday to Friday 9.30am-1pm and 2pm-5pm
Helplink Online Counselling – mental health charity providing accessible services in west of Ireland and nationally. 091 759887
Jigsaw provide online services such as “Ask Jigsaw” and “Jigsaw Online Group Chats”. National Centre of Youth Mental Health.
MABS 0751 072000 advice service for money management and debt issues open Monday to Friday 09.00 to 20.00
Online meetings available through GROW, where face-to-face groups are not available – mental health recovery charity.
Pieta provides free therapy to those engaging in self-harm, at risk of suicide or bereaved by suicide. 24/7 freephone supports and text support services 1800 247 247 OR text HELP to 51444 Pieta House
Rape Crisis Centres throughout Ireland to find your local centre click here 24 Hour Helpline on 1800 778888
Samaritans 116123 helpline is free open day and night.
Senior Line 1800 804 591 confidential free-phone listening service open every day from 10am-10pm
Sexual Violence Centre Cork helpline 1800 496 496 and text service 087 153 3393 are operating as normal.
SpunOut.ie is Ireland’s youth information website created by young people, for young people. 24/7 help is available. Text SPUNOUT to 0861800280 to chat anonymously with a trained volunteer.
Threshold 1800 454 454 if you are renting and worried about the security of your tenure during the pandemic helpline open Monday to Friday 09.00 to 21.00
TravelWise 01 613 1733 Dept of Foreign Affairs helpline for people with travel related concerns about Coronavirus
Traveller hotline Phone or Text 0831006300 dealing with Coronavirus (Covid-19) queries. This has been organised by the Traveller organisations in the Midlands with the support of the HSE Midlands Traveller Health Unit for use by all counties.
Your Mental Health provide information on mental health services 1800 111 888 (not a counselling service).
If you need immediate assistance, especially if someone is hurt or in danger call emergency services. Emergency services can be contacted at any time by dialing 999 or 112 in Republic of Ireland or 112 in Europe.
HELP IS AT HAND.
If you need help please reach out and tell someone you know or perhaps someone you don’t by know using a helpline. Covid-19 Helplines are here to help you. We all need connection to keep us going and to keep us hopeful.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Covid-19 Information
There is a wealth of Covid-19 information on line, however, there is also much misinformation. The following sites provide real and factual information – click on the links hereunder.
The Irish Family Planning Association (IFPA) is Ireland’s leading sexual health provider. We provide contraception, pregnancy counselling, abortion care, sexual and reproductive health services and training.
If you need help please tell someone, reach out to someone you know or someone you don’t know. We need connection to keep us going and to keep us hopeful.
The Wheel of Life is a visual depiction of your satisfaction levels across important areas of your life and can help to visually demonstrate specific areas of life that require attention.
How? With a pen and paper, draw a large circle. This denotes your life! Divide the circle into 8 sections (like 8 pieces of pie). Firstly, divide the circle in half with a line through the centre, then, divide into quarters with another line and into eighths with two further lines. Each section denotes areas of your life.
Score every line evenly, from the centre to the outer edge from 1 – 10 with 1 being closest to the centre of the circle and 10 being the outer edge of the circle.
Label each section of the wheel with key areas of your life. Choose from the following list or use your own categories. My suggestions can be subdivided in your circle for example family and friends might be two separate sections:
Wheel of Life Categories
Health / Wellbeing; Family / Friends;
Significant Other / Partner / Dating / Relationship / Romance;
Work / Career / Parenting / Business;
Finance / Money;
Home / House / Physical Environment;
Social Life / Sports & Recreation / Fun / Play / Hobbies / Relaxation;
Self-development / Education / Learning / Personal Growth;
Contribution to Society / Volunteering / Community;
Wheel of Life Scores
Ask yourself how satisfied you are with each area of your life. Reflect on each category and score each out of 10. Then chart each of your scores on your wheel, drawing a line on each section for every score. The value 1 is closest to the centre of the circle and 10 is the edge of the circle.
Colour in each section from 0 to the score you allocated. A score of 10 means the entire piece of pie is coloured. A score of 5 means that the half, closest to the centre of the circle, is coloured.
Scores of 8,9,10 demonstrate satisfaction with that area of life. Scores of 1-4 show there is a distinct need for improvement and an opportunity for change.
Examine your Wheel Of Life. Is your wheel balanced? Is it wobbly? Which areas of your life need addressing? How can you increase scores in low-scoring sections? Set goals to make improvements. What would make a 10 score? What do you need to get started? What is the one thing that needs to happen to make your life more balanced? How can you set about making that happen? The purpose of this exercise is to see where our lives are balanced and the aspects/areas that need attention. Armed with this knowledge, what steps can you take to make your life more balanced for 2020?
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Healthy or Harmful?
Healthy or Harmful?
I talk to myself. My neighbours can confirm this as they often see me peering into the boot of my car, trying to find something while I’m talking to myself! We all talk to ourselves – it’s not just me – but maybe we don’t all speak out loud when we are alone!
We all have an inner dialogue. What we say to ourselves in our minds, our “inside voice”, is very influential.
Think about what you say to yourself about you using your inner voice. Is it nice?
If our inner voice is negative and critical then it is most likely not particularly encouraging, kind or complementary about you or others.
To improve our inner dialogue, pay attention to what we say about us and about others. Do not judge (well, try not to!). What we say to ourselves in our heads carries weight and power. Keep in mind that there is never any need to be harsh or unkind.
Focus on the things you can change and accept the things that you cannot change.
We tend to focus on the negative, on what has gone wrong in the past or what could go wrong in the future. We are adept at spotting the negative because through evolution that is what has kept us safe and alive. If we stop to admire a rainbow or pretty bluebells, we may not notice the tiger lurking in the undergrowth and, ultimately we die. Our brains are designed to spot threats rather than that which brings us joy or awe. So we must force our minds to shift focus. We must learn to focus on what’s going right, on what we have, on the beauty around us and how fortunate we are. Bring your focus to the present.
Get into the habit of asking yourself, “is this healthy or harmful for me right now”?
Whatever your thought-pattern and regardless of the tone of your inner voice – simply ask yourself whether it is helpful for you to continue with those thoughts or is it harmful to you? If it is harmful, go do something (anything) else like put on the kettle or hand-cream but change your focus. Stop your mind from wandering into negative territory.
Now more than ever it is important that you put yourself first. Be kind to you and to others. Focus your attention on what is good for you. When we are grieving we may not feel that we deserve to be grateful or to be happy. Remember, feelings are not facts! We all deserve to feel good, happy and content.
Try to develop the habit of asking yourself, is this healthy or harmful? Put yourself first. Be kind to yourself. Is a walk healthy or harmful? Is this fizzy drink healthy or harmful? Is that phone-call healthy or harmful? Choose healthy over harmful.
Life is short. Enjoy the good. Spot the beauty. Speak kindly about yourself and about others. Sew positive thoughts. Bring your focus to healthy thoughts.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Christmas without a loved one
Christmas without a loved one
Our Our first time in hospital might be to deliver our firstborn. There’s one first tooth or first day at school; first summer job; first kiss; first love (sometimes followed by our first broken heart). The list of firsts is never-ending and sadly, there is a first Christmas without a loved one.
Expectations may be that Christmas is a joyous, celebratory time. Reality can be starkly different. This is the Cotter family’s first Christmas without Dr Denis. Newtown Surgery is missing “The Doc” and the community is missing “Cotter”.
I called him “The Secret Keeper” because I’m convinced Dr Denis heard confessions! He didn’t give absolution or penance (as far as I know) and he didn’t judge. He was the go-to person if someone had a burning question or a burning sensation!
With patients, Dr Denis listened and heard what was being said, and he observed what wasn’t being said. He offered reassurance and did his best to point people in the right direction. Appointments with specialist consultants, for his patients, somehow seemed to be fast-tracked.
He was super proud of having six daughters, whom he protectively referenced “my girls” and he was a doting grandad. His loving wife Lesley has the patience of a saint because patients went straight to their home when Dr Denis wasn’t in Newtown Surgery (which was rare).
Dr Denis was a father-figure; mentor; referee commentator; confidante; historian; sports analyst and fan; medic; author; manager and proud Bantry man. He wasn’t a saint – he was human and had his foibles such as finishing phone-calls with me before I’d stopped talking – he knew I could babble on, and he’d said all that he needed to! At his eulogy, we learned that he wasn’t a lover of small talk – that made me smile.
Two years ago, Dr Denis delivered his sister Paule’s eulogy and I felt as though I knew her such were his oratory skills. He is survived by four siblings and missed by so very many.
The testament of the life we have lived, is the love we leave behind.
If you are spending Christmas without a loved one honour the memory in whatever way you can. Plan your Christmas and keep things simple. Celebrate the happiness you shared – appreciate the time you had together and your experiences.
Grief takes its own course which is not linear. Grief takes as long as it takes and differs for everyone. You’re entitled to feel however you feel. You might be happy one minute but crying the next – that’s okay. Reach out to others for company. Keep talking about your loved one – it’s healthy to reminisce and nice to hear others’ stories. Don’t put-on a brave face and pretend to be happy – be honest and share your feelings. Look after yourself even when you don’t feel like it.
Consider starting new Christmas traditions such as visiting the grave with a holly bough or setting off a Chinese lantern (though not in the graveyard!).
This Christmas, do whatever works best for you.
Wishing you joy, love, peace, health and happiness.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Depression Support
Supporting Someone Experiencing Depression
It is important to keep in mind that someone can appear to have a lovely life, wife / husband, children, friends, home etc. and experience depression. You cannot tell someone’s emotional state simply by looking. Depression can affect anyone in any walk of life. So how can we support someone experiencing depression?
Rather than avoid someone because you know they are depressed, please reach out. Be mindful not to pester, instead, let your loved one know you are offering your support. It can be nice to simply sit with the person, regardless of whether they are crying or talking, and tell them how important they are to you. Ask how you can help and listen to the answer.
Encourage outside supports such as talking to the GP, practice nurse, counsellor, psychotherapist etc and you can offer to help select one or to drive your loved one to their first appointment.
Be careful what you say so that your loved one doesn’t feel more isolated. Please do not say “cheer up” or “concentrate on the positives” or “snap out of it” because they would already have done that if they could! Passing comments like this can sound as though it is a choice to be depressed and that is insulting.
Listening rather than advising is key. Disagreeing with someone’s thoughts and feelings is unhelpful. Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings but do not try to fix their problems. Instead ask “what can we do to help you feel better?”
Perhaps it might be a kind gesture to drop round some nice food. It can feel impossible to muster up the enthusiasm to cook when experiencing depression. Sending a text can be a way to let someone know that you’re thinking about them without being intrusive or post a simple greeting card. Let them know that you and your offer to meet remains open for whenever they are ready.
It is important to keep in friendly contact with others when experiencing depression. Support exercise and social occasions by offering to accompany your loved one. Be encouraging and positive (rather than nagging or coercive).
Don’t pass judgement and suggest that someone is “too sensitive” as depression is not a personality flaw. If you see your loved one having a good day or laughing it doesn’t mean the depression is gone so be very patient.
It is important to keep in mind that we cannot change anyone except ourselves. We can encourage and support and love our friends and family members experiencing depression, however, we cannot make them better. Neither are we responsible for someone else’s recovery.
If your loved one is in danger of suicide call 911 or take them to an emergency room (A&E Department). The Samaritans has a freephone number 116123 available 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
If you are trying to help someone who is experiencing depression it can be tiring. Please take time out for yourself to exercise or prepare meals. Ensure you are sleeping well and make time to relax. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Care for yourself so that you can provide the best care for others. You cannot pour from an empty cup!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Ghosting
Don’t Ghost!
As a counsellor and psychotherapist, I work in one-to-one therapy with adults (and adolescents) and daily, I hear about people being ghosted and the hurt it causes. Ghosting happens at all levels, from the initial messaging phase, meeting someone and liking them, following first-time sex and several months into a relationship. (I’m writing here about romantic ghosting rather than employment ghosting).
What is Ghosting?
When that special someone, the person with whom you feel a connection, suddenly severs all contact and vanishes. They disappear. No calls, no texts, no messages. Nothing. Often without warning or explanation.
Ghosting, in a work capacity occurs when a company advertises a vacancy, invites a candidate for interview and they don’t turn up. Or, following the interview process, the company carries out background checks etc., only to discover the candidate disappears once the job offer is made or after accepting the offer.
Stop Ghosting! Please.
Is Ghosting a new phenomenon?
I think we always had some element of no-contact following a disastrous first date for example, but what we now call ghosting is different. In my experience, it is more severe and more hurtful. In the past, even if we had wanted to ghost someone, the likelihood is that we knew someone who knew someone who drank in the pub where we met or there was some sort of tentative connection. This is particularly true here in Ireland where we often know friends of friends for example. Nowadays, however, our only contact and connection with the potential love of our life may be online, via a dating or messaging app.
So, here you are, in a new relationship or perhaps at the initial messaging stage (i.e. working towards meeting for a date). You are investing your time and energy when suddenly the person whom you believe cares about you, stops all contact. Their online profile may disappear. They don’t return calls, texts, messages or emails. They are the disappeared. I have heard it being said that it would be easier if the person died because at least there’d be a solid reason for the complete lack of contact.
If you are ghosted: If we are ghosted there’s no way for us to figure out why. Ghosting causes us to question the relationship and ourselves. “What did I do to deserve this?” “What is wrong with me” (rather than what is wrong with the person ghosting). We feel rejected and hurt. We question our self-worth. If we have low self-esteem or if ghosting often happens to us (as it does), it may take us a long time to recover. Emotional pain is akin to physical pain in terms of how our brains experience it. The bottom line is that ghosting hurts.
We know that in today’s world, people are overworked and stressed. It may be that the person ghosting is not able to deal or cope with a break-up or with upsetting a person’s feelings. If you are ghosted, it says more about them than you.
If you are the person who ghosts: Be honest without being cruel. Explain how you feel. Be accountable. Have the courage to deal with the discomfort of your emotions and the other person’s. Explain that you don’t see a future together; that you are not the love of their life and you don’t want to work at and/or be in this relationship. Say you want out rather than ghosting because it safeguards everyone’s self-esteem in the long run. Do not hope the other person is a mind-reader and realises what you’re thinking and will break up with you first! Don’t be afraid of your feelings or emotions or of the other person’s reactions. Don’t fear talking. Breaking up is better than simply falling off the face of the earth.
I work with the fall-out and aftermath of ghosting and this is a sample of what I hear: “Why does this keep happening? What did I do to deserve this? Why would someone do this to me?Why did I mean so little? I’m worth nothing – I’m not even worth a phone-call. It makes me feel so low. I thought she cared, and she didn’t. I have no closure, no reason, I feel worthless. I texted him, he read it and didn’t reply. What did I do wrong? I feel like a fool. I feel used. It must be my fault. What could I do differently – it must be me – I must be doing something wrong? Maybe he will call me another time. Is it actually over or is he just busy at work but no one can be too busy to message, can they?”
Please don’t tell yourself that everyone is ghosting and that makes it alright – nothing makes it alright.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Foot note: What sparked me to write the above and to plead to people to stop ghosting / not to ghost is two-fold. Firstly, because of the number of people when ghosted, who feel like their self-esteem has been kicked down a dark hole, never to be found, left with a truckload of questions and self-doubt. Secondly, as a fan of Twitter (@_carolinecrotty) I came across an article that male kalutas, small mouse-like marsupials, die after mating. In response to the article @woolyknickers tweeted “You say “drop dead” I say “extreme ghosting”. It is great we can laugh at ghosting, but it is now so commonplace that “ghosting” is part of our vocabulary. I find this upsetting.
September Change
September Change
A friend of mine told me she cried for a whole day when her son was offered his college course of choice. She didn’t cry happy tears but cried because her baby is moving to Dublin and life, as she knows it, will be forever changed.
At this time of year, young adults move away from home to take up third level courses or full-time jobs; children start primary and secondary schools. We may notice that it is dark earlier in the evenings or that foliage is changing to more autumnal tones. September is indeed a time of change.
This month, I am encouraging you to undergo great change – that is to challenge the unhelpful habit of trying to figure out what others think of you.
Worrying and thinking about what others think of you can be a huge drain emotionally and a waste of our precious time. We never get back any of the time that we waste worrying.
I often hear sweeping statements like “everyone thinks that I’m …” or “I know what they’re thinking about me”. These statements are simply not true. Not everyone is thinking about us and we never know what is going on in someone else’s mind.
Stop paying attention to what other people think of you and, instead, pay attention to what you think of you.
I understand the concern. We want people to like us. we want to fit in. We don’t want to appear stupid or weird or different. Who wants to be the outlier?
Sad but true – other people don’t think about you all that often. People are just like you in that they are thinking about themselves and about what is going on in their own lives. Even when someone looks at you funny (according to you!) perhaps they are trying to remember whether they locked the back door or paid a utility bill or they might be trying to figure out whether the car insurance is due for renewal!
We go about our daily lives with oodles of thoughts racing through our minds. Life is busy. Not everyone is thinking about you even when you think they are.
Shift your focus. We cannot stop worries from popping into our minds, but we can decide to focus our attention elsewhere and not give those worries so much airtime. Change your attention to something more helpful and positive.
Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. It is part of being human. Some mistakes are way bigger than others with life-altering repercussions. It does not matter what you have done, you are never the first to do it! You won’t be the last person to make a mistake or to say the wrong thing.
Try to pay attention to what you think about you rather than trying to figure out what others think of you. Get worries off your chest by telling someone trustworthy. A problem shared is a problem over which you gain perspective.
Pay attention to the things that you get right and to how you treat others. Being kind and compassionate are more relevant than the human mistakes that you make.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Relaxation
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a technique that can help relax body and mind. We contract and and relax muscle groups throughout our body – from head to toe. The objective of this exercise is to pay attention to our muscles and focus on how they feel when we release all tension and feel relaxed.
Tense each muscle group for about 5 seconds, then quickly release that tension and focus on the tension-free muscle area. Begin at your feet and work your way up to the top of your head. Squeeze tightly then release. Do this a few times with each area before moving on to the next muscle group. Keep breathing, slowly. Feel your muscles relax and visulise that they are melting as tension is being released. Notice the wave of relaxation that flows over your muscles and how relaxed your muscles feel.
If you have pain or discomfort feel free to omit that particular muscle group.
Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Perhaps in a dark and quiet room if possible. Focus on your body and on the sensations in your body.
Breathe. Take a deep breath and fill your tummy and abdomen. Hold that breath for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. As you breathe in through your nose, notice your tummy rising as you fill your lungs with air. As you exhale through your mouth, visualise the tension in your body leaving and being released.
Starting at your feet, curl your toes tightly for five seconds, then release that tension. Rest for a few seconds and feel the relaxation in your feet.
Flex your feet and pull your toes and foot up towards your face. Feel the tension in your calves. Hold that tension and quickly release. Feel how relaxed your calves and feet are.
Then moving to your thighs, squeeze your thights together really tightly for five seconds, then let them relax.
Squeeze your buttocks together, creating tension. Holding your bottom muscles tightly for five seconds then release. Pause for about 10 seconds.
You’re now moving onto your torso/body. Hold in your tummy as tightly as you can – suck in your abdomen. Then release all that tension and let it fall.
For your back, pull back your shoulder blades to try to get them to touch together, hold, then release. Lift your shoulders up towards your ears and hold. Then let them drop as you release the tension.
For your arms, make really tight fists and hold them up towards your shoulders. Then let go and let your hands drop. For your upper arms, hold the tension in your biceps, then release. Scrunch your fingers into claws so that your hands are tense, hold for five seconds before releasing. Enjoy the sense of relaxation.
Moving onto your face Screw up your face as tightly as possible, making an ugly face, hold and release. Smile your widest smile and feel the muscles in your cheeks and in your neck tense. Then release the tension. Raise your eyebrows as high as you can and hold for 5 seconds then quickly release and feel all the tension leave your forehead. Scrunch up your eyes as hard as you can by keeping your eyes tightly shut for 5 seconds, then release.
Squeeze every muscle together, throughout your whole body, then release all tension.
Finally, tense your entire body. Tense your feet, legs, stomach, chest, arms, head, and neck. Tense harder, without straining. Hold the tension, then release.
Allow your whole body to go limp and loose.
Stretch your muscles and open your eyes when you feel that you are ready. Breathe slowly and feel relaxed.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
54321 Task
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Grounding Task
When learning how to remain in the present moment it can help to give our minds a job.
Despite thinking that we are good at multi-tasking, we are at our best when we concentrate on one thing at a time – either we worry or think about something else! This task is to help us “think about something else” rather than worrying.
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding technique is a useful task. It can prevent us from getting caught-up in racing or panicky thoughts which can create anxious feelings in our bodies.
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 task can help us remain calm, focused and grounded in the present.
Instead of getting caught up in fearful thoughts or horrible anxious feelings, this task requires us to take notice of what is around us and concentrate on our senses.
Sight, Touch, Hearing, Smell and Taste – these are the five senses that we concentrate on that will help us stay focused.
Look around you. What are 5 things that you can see. Describe them to yourself in the most graphic and amazing detail that you can manage. What colours do you see on those objects? What patterns, inscriptions, engraving, size or weight do they have? If you were to describe these five things to someone without using the objects’ names, how would you do it?
Now look for 4 things you can feel and describe them to yourself. This might involve feeling your clothes as they touch your skin or the feeling of your bottom and back as you sit on your chair. Perhaps you can feel your skin on the palm of your hand with the finger from your other hand. Can you pick up something and hold it? Describe those four things to yourself in detail.
Listen very closely. What 3 things can you hear? Is there something in the distance making noise, say a clock ticking or traffic or the wind or music or the rattle of a door?
Are there 2 things that you can smell? There may be perfume or aftershave on your clothes. Can you smell food in the air or any other scents?
Is there something you can taste? Is there already a taste in your mouth? It might be coffee or toothpaste or maybe you can see something you could taste. You might have a sweet in your bag or chewing-gum. If you taste something, pay close attention to the flavour.
The above 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique is a handy task for times when you may feel nervous such as at the airport, church, family gathering, doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room etc. The task will help to ground you and prevent you from getting caught up in fearful thoughts.
Ground yourself by concentrating on your senses. It doesn’t matter whether you think of 5 things to smell or 4 things you can hear i.e. the order in which you think about your senses is unimportant.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Relax!
Here are some reminders to help clear and relax our minds so we can enjoy life a little more.
Be mindful what you say about people. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say something not-so-nice.
Don’t complain. Stop blaming others. Instead of blaming, take responsibility. Instead of complaining, take action!
Write down your worries and in daylight write the things you can do to help you take charge and make changes. Turn the worry list into a to-do list. This is helpful particularly if you can’t sleep at night. Keep a notepad by your bed and write down the issues that are keeping you awake. Allocate a scheduled time to deal with those worries e.g. Sunday from 10-12noon when you can examine and make a plan of action to deal with the worry list. Always tackle worries in daylight – nothing gets solved in the dark.
Mind your body to mind your mind! Keep your body healthy and work to make it strong. Supplement your intake of essential minerals and vitamins but they’re no substitute for a healthy, broad diet!
Develop gratitude. The little things are important. I broke my shoulder a while back and was unable to raise my hand to put a key in the front door, however, now I can reach and I am immensely grateful. Be grateful for the mundane because you never know when you’ll wish you could do something that you now take for granted.
Say “thank you” and be appreciative of others.
Pay attention to your thoughts. If your thinking is positive/neutral, then great. If your thoughts are negative, then it’s time to change. Pay attention to what you say to you about you and challenge anything negative. If you are stuck in your worried thoughts then perhaps read this
Give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to something nice whether it is a hot chocolate or nailvarnish – treat yourself every so often, and enjoy the feeling.
There is more than one view-point. You are not always 100%-right or 100%-wrong. Allow yourself to change your opinion and your beliefs. Listen to others’ opinions without feeling the need to tell them they’re wrong! In general, listen more and talk less.
Enjoy your work. Put in your best effort, regardless of what you do. Be the best. You can then take pride that you have given it your all.
For one month do not buy anything except food and even then, make a meal plan before you shop.
Rid yourself of the things you don’t need. Give them away to friends or take to homeless accommodation where they are always needed.
Ensure you get good quality sleep. There is information here and you can improve the quality of your sleep by cutting out alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine; have a bed time routine and get into and out of bed at a similar time every day; shower or bathe before bed; don’t have screens in your bedroom and ensure it is a peaceful and calming space; exercise and spending time in daylight can also help improve sleep. If you have difficulty sleeping, do not worry about not sleeping – that will not help! Rather than lie in bed thinking, when you can’t sleep, get up and do something, perhaps write down your worries or plan for the following day, have a drink and return to bed.
Make time for yourself. Ask someone to come and mind your children while you get out for a walk.
If there are worries upsetting you and you have difficulty relaxing your mind and it is whizzing like a washing machine, there are certain things that may help such as the 54321 task; calm breathing; progressive muscle relaxation. Please talk to someone – a healthcare professional, a counsellor, a trusted friend or family member. There is no need to face your problems alone. Help is at hand – reach out.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Breathe
Breathe
Anxiety has a wonderful knack of throwing us off kilter. I’d go so far as to say that it can be quite difficult to feel happy or good about ourselves while at the same time battling with strong feelings of anxiety .
And with anxiety, comes self-doubt. “What if I get a panic attack when I’m in the supermarket?”. We might try to visualise what could happen if we start to feel anxious in a public place? What will I do if I feel anxious at the hair salon or in a queue for a gig? Racing thoughts come with racing questions “What if I feel unwell?” “What if I faint?” “What will I do if I’m dizzy?” and, before you know it, you’ve worked yourself up into a frenzy of horrible thoughts accompanied by horrible anxious feelings and there is no sense of calm about anything. Sometimes the whole world can seem unsafe and scary.
Hot summers often render people feeling anxious. If I associate being hot and sweaty with feeling anxious then a hot summer is bound to be tough because your brain (and body) are trying to figure out what the heat means!
Our thoughts are crucial to how we feel. When we start thinking of worst case scenarios like not being able to cope when we are down the hair salon, the world can become frightening. We might become a little nervous about going too far away from home – just in case we need to come home in a hurry if we are not feeling great. Home is where we feel calm. Home is a “safe place” and sometimes when we are very anxious feeling that we are too far away from home, can mean that anxious feelings and anxious thoughts take over.
We might be nervous that anxious feelings might strike because we are away from home. This often leads to people not enjoying or living life to its full because they are nervous about feeling anxious in a public place.
Being fearful of fearful feelings. But, think about this – our bodies do not know where we are. If we were unconscious or under general anaesthetic, our bodies could be in Barcelona or Bantry and we wouldn’t know! Often, therefore, our thoughts contribute to our symptoms and feelings of anxiety.
When we have several thoughts or worries at once, that can signal our bodies to react. If our mind is focused on stressful thoughts, or on too many things at once, or panicking about potentially feeling panicky, anxiety levels in our body can increase and remain high.
Learning how to focus our thoughts on something calm/ or peaceful can help us feel calm and able to manage our anxieties more effectively. Rather than letting our minds wander off with worst case scenarios, we can focus on our breath.
Our breath is a great point of focus.
Focusing attention on breath and breathing can reduce the anxiety response in our body and help us remain calm and in control.
Everyone can learn how to focus on breath and breathing whenever we feel that we are getting a little anxious. That is very powerful – to be able to control how we feel simply with our breath. I find this fascinating and encourage everyone I know (everyone who will listen to me that is) to practice calm / deep breathing because, in my experience, it is life-changing.
Focusing on breathing can help us stop focusing on anxious thoughts. We can learn how to slow down our breath, helping us stay calm.
Most often, our anxious thoughts and busy lifestyles mean that we breathe as if we are only using the upper parts of our respiratory system. This is an overly simplistic way of explaining this but the reality is that as adults, we rarely breathe so deeply that our tummies move. We might even hold our breath without realising it. Newborn babies breathe with their tummies rising and falling, however, as adults we rarely do.
Calm/Deep breathing increasees the volume of breath that enters our lungs. Calm / Deep breathing helps alleviate anxiety by slowing down our heart rate, relaxing our muscles and allowing us the opportunty to think more rationally and clearly.
So how do we breathe deeply?
Sit or lie down comfortably. Close your eyes. Place one hand on your tummy which will help you feel your tummy rise. Place your other hand on your chest or heart. Imagine a round balloon in your tummy with the opening at the top, close to your lungs. Inhale. Imagine your breath filling that balloon. As you inhale, your tummy will rise. Think about your breath filling your lungs from the bottom up (in the same way that an empty bottle fills with water from the bottom up). When you are ready to exhale, allow the air out of your body from the bottom up, emptying the balloon first, then your lungs and upper chest. Repeat this until it feels comfortable.
Initially, deep/calm breathing can feel a little weird and you might even begin to feel anxious. This is perfectly normal and it happens because you are not accustomed to breathing in this way and your body/mind are trying to figure out what’s going on.
The more often you practice this new skill, the more familiar it becomes. Take your time, practice calm/deep breathing when you are at your most relaxed so that you will be able to use it when you are not relaxed. Inhale through your nose. Exhale through either nose or mouth particularly as you are learning how to do this.
Anxiety tips: Tell someone you trust about how you feel. Sharing a problem and worry can give you perspective. Don’t face your worries alone. Counselling, psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be effective for treating anxiety symptoms / anxiety disorders. Eat well and regularly. Reduce caffeine and alcohol and cigarettes. Exercise: anything that increases your heart-rate and gets you sweaty helps alleviate anxiety!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Worrying
“Worrying is time well spent ” said no one. Ever!
Recall an event that you wasted time worrying about. Perhaps you worried so much, that you were snappy and irritable with your friends or family. Maybe you spent nights unable to fall asleep or once asleep, couldn’t stay asleep and kept waking. You may even have run through every possible negative scenario, (i.e. catastrophising) about the event and examined all the ways in which disaster could strike!
Back to reality now! Did any of that worry change anything about the event? Even though you worried, you had zero control over what took place. Worrying did not determine or govern the outcome.
For one minute, imagine that you know exactly what lies ahead in life, that you know what is going to happen and when. Ask yourself whether it is possible to be certain about everything in life. Being 100% certain about life would mean that you know what results we will get in exams, or whether we will succeed in a new job or in a relationship. We would know whether Tipp or KK will win the All-Ireland Hurling Final 2019. We would also know when we and our loved ones are going to die.
So, instead of worrying, perhaps it might be time to take a different approach and use your time more wisely by learning to accept uncertainty.
When we worry, we often over-exaggerate the likelihood of something going wrong. However, challenging our irrational thoughts about uncertainty can help. In my experience, it’s the uncertainty that we don’t like, it doesn’t sit well with us. We want to know what’s going to happen, sometimes because we think we can be prepared.
The next time you are worrying, ask yourself:
What exactly am I bothered about?
Is it probable, likely or guaranteed?
Is this a feeling or is this a fact?
Is this my imagination?
If I can start a sentence with “what if…” the likelihood is that this is my amazing imagination!
People tell me that being prepared for every eventuality can seem useful and give a sense of security and I question whether this is true.
If you think like this, it might be an idea to take out a pen and sheet of paper and challenge your belief that we need to or have to worry and answer the following questions:
· Can I be certain about my future?
· Are there advantages to being certain about everything?
· Are there disadvantages to wanting certainty of outcome?
· Why do I need to have certainty about the future?
· Do I predict that bad things will happen because they are uncertain?
· What is the likelihood that my predictions will come true?
· Can I live with uncertainty? (Nothing in life is certain except death).
So rather than worry about the uncertainty of the future, perhaps you might instead try to focus on your breath and breathing as outlined here. Get up and move to a different location in your house or at work – this can help to reset your mind. Pay close attention and listen to the sounds around you. What can you hear? What are the sensations in your body? Can you feel your feet in your shoes? Can you wriggle your toes? Grounding yourself in the here and now can be helpful when you are prone to succumbing to worrying about (potential) future events. Check out the 54321 grounding technique here .
We all worry but for some of us it can be problematic at various times throughout our lives. Talking therapies and cognitive behavioural therapy – CBT – can help you challenge unhelpful or negative thoughts. Don’t be afraid to ask for help to tackle your worry.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Stop Shouting
Parents – Stop Shouting!
There is no need to shout at your children. We all know that shouting doesn’t work! But even when parents know it doesn’t work, the bizarre thing is that they continue to shout at their children and often claim “it’s the only way I can get my children to listen to me”.
Ask yourself whether you would tolerate someone shouting at your children? Is it acceptable?
What would you say if I shouted at your children? Why is it okay for you to shout at them?
I am not referring to shouting if there is a fire or to prevent a child from running onto the road for example. I am talking about shouting at your child to correct them. The “don’t talk to your brother like that” “stop fighting over the game” “don’t test my patience” type of shouting! I am also talking about shouting at your children because of stuff going on in your life. You’re frustrated, stressed out or anxious and something happens that tips you over the edge and you shout. Please don’t take your difficulties or issues out on your children.
It might interest you to note that parents who shout cause reactions in their children that are similar to them being physically punished.
Shouting is an expression of anger and has the potential to make a child feel scared. Shouting can increase behavioural problems in children and negatively impact their self-esteem.
If your shouting comes with a tirade of verbal putdowns, name-calling or insults because you have lost control, this constitutes emotional abuse which brings with it potential for anxiety and also for aggression in your children.
Stop shouting. Please. For your own sake as a parent but more importantly for your children and their emotional wellbeing.
I have heard arguments that “our parents shouted and it didn’t do us any harm” but we now know, from studies, that shouting has a negative impact on children’s development.
Remind yourself that you are your child’s role model. Model the behaviour that you expect from your child. Set clear boundaries for behaviour. You don’t shout because you don’t want your children to shout. Praise your child’s efforts. Give lots of hugs (at the right times).
Children who are most often in trouble for unaccepable behaviour are children who may be most in need of positive attention and affirmation and certainly in need of plenty hugs.
Start today. Explain that shouting is no longer tolerated in your family. That you were wrong to shout. That you will all stick to this new family rule. Show your children that you are in control of your emotions and that you (no longer) lose your cool. Explain that you are now going to step away from the area if you feel that you are getting frustrated / angry and think you might shout. Return to chat when you are more chilled.
You do not need to raise your voice to be heard. Go to where your children are, rather than shouting to them from another room. Meet them at their level rather than speaking down to them.
Teach children about emotions and feelings and discuss how you feel. For example, explain that you feel angry (at behaviour rather than at your child) and instead of shouting and screaming, demonstrate that you are in control of your emotions and can speak about the situation.
Always be respectful of your children. While you are practicing your new rule of no shouting, if you happen to raise your voice be very quick to apologise and explain why you were wrong and then start again.
You can do this!
If you need some help to manage your anger, please reach out.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Breathing Meditation
Information Overload isn’t new. It has more recently changed so that now, rather than have too many books to read, we have technology demanding our attention. We too are demanding of attention or potentially vying for the attention of others on social media. We are slowly learning that too much screen time may affect our attention span. Learning To Pay Attention to ourselves is beneficial and using a breathing meditation is time spent caring for you i.e. self-care.
Self-care is not self-indulgent, it is vital. Depending on our age, we may not have been taught about self-care in school but as adults, we independently learn that in order to give our best we must care and look after our bodies and minds.
A short breathing meditation can help us relax, gain focus and manage our worries or stressful thoughts.
I am not a mindfulness teacher neither am I am meditation master. My training is in counselling and psychotherapy. However, in my experience, when we learn how to focus our minds on something other than worry or bothersome thoughts, our attention can be a remarkably useful tool.
We can’t stop thoughts or worries from popping into our minds but what do we do with them once there? We can allow any thoughts to be present, while we learn how to bring our attention to our breath.
Using a meditation exercise can help us to be present in the here and now and not back in the past or flying off into the future, not caught up in our imagination. This is not about controling our thoughts or getting rid of them.
Mindfulness involves practicing bringing our attention back to the present, to the here and now – whenever it wanders off.
As an analogy, attention is like a muscle. If we don’t regularly use the muscle, it can become weaker. However, with regular exercise we can strengthen and build it.
Meditation exercises, like learning any new skill, require practice. Here’s one that takes only three minutes initially which, in time, can be increased to ten mins twice per day. In my experience, allowing ourselves even a couple of minutes every day to mindfully breathe is beneficial and relaxing.
Sit in a chair and get yourself comfy. Pay attention to your body and ask yourself, “what do I feel right now? What are my feelings? And what are my thoughts?” Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and to all the sensations in your body. Describe these experiences to yourself. Don’t judge or alter anything. Accept. Spend up to one minute doing this.
Bring your focus of awareness to your breath. Focus on the sensations of your breath as it enters and leaves your tummy. Bring your awareness to the sensations of movement in your tummy and allow your thoughts to go, to leave you as you breathe. Breathe in as you say ‘relax’ and on each exhalation say “calm”. If your mind wanders, do not try to change the thoughts or make them leave. Acknowledge their presence, allow them to be there, then allow them to go, returning your attention and focus to your breath and breathing. Spend up to two minutes doing this.
Extend your awareness to sensing your whole body breathing. Become aware of sensations throughout your body. If your mind wanders to various thoughts or feelings, acknowledge them and let them go and return your focus to sen1sing your whole body breathing. Spend about two mins doing this.
As you become more familiar with this skill of “letting go”, wherein you choose to notice but let go of thoughts, emotions or sensations, this is the ideal time to increase the time. Acknowledge and appreciate what you are doing, allowing yourself time to settle your mind, to breathe, to pay attention to you.
Attention is like a muscle and with regular exercise, a muscle works really well! Breathing meditation is the same – the more often you allow yourself time to do it, the easier it gets as the more skilled you become!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Silence Is Golden
Our world has become busier than ever, full of busy people with busy lives and whilst technology has been an amazing advancement for humanity it also is a scourge in that we are constantly contactable and there is always some noise coming from some screen nearby! It’s hard to hear our own thoughts at times. How can we relax or know what we are thinking unless we have silence to pay attention and listen to our thoughts?
I often talk about relaxation and explain that relaxation is not lying on the sofa in front of the tv with a glass of wine – sorry! Relaxation is really helped by spending time alone, with our thoughts, in silence.
ALONE IN SILENCE beause silence is golden.
We live in a world where any time spent alone is usually filled with noise and distractions. When we go for a walk or a drive, we invariably listen to music or to the latest podcast. We sit at home and have the radio, tv or some screen at hand.
Spending time in silence is something I encourage because it can reduce tension in both brain and body in mere minutes.
Silence is healthy and can boost the body’s immune system, decrease stress, encourage brain cell growth, reduce blood pressure and improve sleep. And that’s not all!
Time in silence, alone with our thoughts allows our brains an opportunity to examine our thoughts rather than constantly distracting ourselves from them. When we are in silence, we often day dream or run through events. This allows for an opportunity to become more creative and to self-reflect.
We can easily create opportunities to be in silence and only a few minutes every day is beneficial. For example, sitting in silence in our car or going for a walk outside in nature without any device (i.e. no mobile phone or screen).
Nature is therapeutic and that, coupled with being alone, can be very healthy.
Being in the house without screens or noise might be aspirational particularly if the house is very busy. Perhaps try getting up earlier than the others so you have your few minutes of silence before the house wakes.
Driving whilst concentrating on your breath or on the surrounding scenery can be helpful.
Allowing quiet time every day can lead to feeling calmer and more in control of thoughts.
Learning how to deep breathe can help. Meditation also offers an opportunity to switch off from all the stresses and strains that we put our minds under.
Set yourself the goal of taking some minutes every day to be with your thoughts, to sit and breathe and be calm. You’ll be glad that you did.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Appreciate You
Be Nice.
Be Kind.
Be Gentle.
Appreciate you. Appreciate your unique place in this world. Appreciate your flaws, your wrinkles, your belly, your pimples and dimples – whatever it is that you see when you look in the mirror, learn to like and love that person.
In order to feel as content as we possibly can, we must be nice, kind and gentle with ourselves. We can start to do this in a variety of ways. We might, for example, stop ourselves from saying something negative. We might catch ourselves thinking negatively and challenge the unhelpful thought or we might allow ourselves to take a risk and make a mistake. One sure-fire way to improve our relationship with ourselves is to create appreciation.
Build a loving relationship with you.
Write down three things every day that you appreciate about you. It doesn’t have to be anything big or out of the ordinary – just that you did something well. Be thankful for the ordinary and mundane things in life, the things we take for granted.
When you force yourself to think positively about yourself every day, it soon it becomes a habit and you learn to see you in more positive light. The more you do this and the more consistent you are, the easier it becomes!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Physical Activity
At the start of a new year, we might plan to reduce our intake of sugar/coffee/alcohol OR join a gym/class/club OR change job/car/house OR learn a language/skill/craft etc. Our positive intentions at this time of year are endless!
There is something which positively influences obesity, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, some cancers, bone and joint diseases and is within our reach. REGULAR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
I am not a medic, but I know that exercise improves our overall wellbeing and quality of life. The benefits are far-reaching as physical activity has consistently been shown to be associated with improved physical health, life satisfaction, cognitive function and psychological wellbeing.
People who regularly exercise, when compared to those who don’t, show slower rates of age-related memory and cognitive decline. In my experience, we all want to stay mentally sharp and focused for as long as possible. Exercise helps strengthen our heart and improves its functioning. Not only do our lungs benefit from exercise, our bones do too. Physical activity can help reduce stress levels whilst improving self-esteem.
From what I know, to improve our heart health, we need about 2.5 hours every week, of moderate-intensity physical activity. If we can invest more time than 150 mins in a week, that’s fantastic! Moderate-intensity activity increases our heart-rate, gets our bodies sweaty and makes us breathe more quickly – which is also a great anxiety-buster.
To make healthy changes, we must rethink our busy schedules. It is not enough to say “I don’t have time”! Finding time might be difficult, however, ten minutes of non-stop walking three times a day is achievable.
Every minute you move is valuable. Small active changes include taking the stairs, walking around the house inside or outside, jumping on the spot, dancing, parking the car in a space farthest from the shop front-door or leaving the office to walk during coffee breaks.
If you never enjoyed walking, perhaps you might start by quickly walking away from your house for three minutes, turn around and quickly walk the three minutes home – any minute spent walking is better than no minute. Try to select an activity that is suitable for your fitness level right now, until it improves and who knows you might be running marathons this time next year!
Nature is therapeutic so whenever you can, spend time outdoors and take notice of your surroundings.
Regular weight-bearing exercise can:
Help prevent several chronic diseases and reduce the risk of premature death.
Improve mood and confidence.
Reduce feelings of anxiety and depression.
Build muscle and strengthen bones and help prevent osteoporosis.
Increase energy levels and keep us feeling energised throughout the day.
Improve brain function, protect memory and thinking skills.
Help with study.
Improve sleep.
Help with pain management.
Although it may feel counterintuitive, people with chronic fatigue syndrome benefit hugely from exercise.
There are many varied benefits of moving our bodies, and exercise is only one part of safeguarding our long-term health – diet, alcohol, stress, sleep, cigarettes can each take their toll on our bodies. This new year, GET MOVING!
New Year’s Resolutions don’t always make it past the first few days of the new year. Now that we are in 2019, it might be an idea to set some healthy personal goals. Perhaps choose a new year’s resolution that’s achievable and beneficial (then stick with it)!
Great Music
You might make your New Year’s resolution to listen to music you enjoyed when you were young or if you are young, listen to music that makes you feel good! Music has a profound impact on our brains and can transport us back in time, help us feel relaxed or work-out more productively. Music is so powerful it can help reduce pain and alter our mood. So crank up the choons!
Get Moving
To make healthy changes in the New Year we must rethink busy schedules. Finding time might be difficult, but ten minutes of non-stop walking three times a day is achievable. Every minute you move is invaluable. Exercise improves our overall wellbeing and quality of life. To improve our heart health, we need about 2.5 hours weekly, of moderate-intensity physical activity. Moderate-intensity activity increases heart-rate, gets us sweaty and causes us to breathe more quickly – which is also perfect for helping to alleviate the physical symptoms of anxiety – exercise is win/win and here’s a link to 10 minute workouts.
Exercise
There are a multitude of benefits to exercise – it improves mood and self-confidence and feelings of anxiety and depression; exercise builds muscle and strengthens bones. Exercise can increase energy levels and improve brain function. It helps improve sleep and pain management. Exercise is the best demonstrated way to maintain health, fitness and youth. Here’s a link to a similar article I wrote on LinkedIn Get Moving in 2019
Gratitude
Developing gratitude for the little things in life impacts our long-term happiness. The act of forcing yourself to think of events or you in a positive light or thinking of reasons to be grateful (no matter how small) or counting your blessings is beneficial for your brain and for your mood. The more you do it, the easier it becomes until eventually gratitude becomes an integral part of your life. Perhaps, set a new year’s resolution to write three things every day for which you are grateful regardless of how insignificant these things may seem. Today I am grateful for x, y or z. Over time you will see that every day is a good day – we have somewhere to sleep, human connection, food, work, liberty, sight, hearing, health, ability to exercise etc.
What Else? Here are several goal suggestions
What else can we do in 2019 to improve our lives? Spending time in nature is therapeutic and has several health benefits. Being outdoors can put a spring in your step because nature is known to be restorative. Get outside as often as possible. Climb that mountain! Don’t forget that daylight also helps improve our sleep – a healthy new year’s resolution might be to spend time getting your sleep routine in order.
Keep your brain active and learn something new – take up yoga or meditation or learn how to calm breathe. Read more. Make a to-do list and get productive so you can cross things off that list. Disconnect from technology. Spend more time alone particularly if you have a stressful job. Keep a journal. Don’t complain, take action.
Join a group or club where you get to hang out with like-minded people. We need to be with others. When you least feel like meeting people may be when you most need to be in teh company of others. Reach out. Make contact. Meet a friend for a coffee or a walk. Have someone in your life that will listen and hear you and if you already have that person in your family or friend group – that’s fantastic. If you need support or advice – ask for it. Contact a professional Counsellor or Psychotherapist who will be happy to help or to point you in the direction of supports.
Maybe this year make your new year’s resolution to tell the people who are important to you just how much they mean to you and spend more time with them. When talking to yourself be an optimist not a pesimist. Be nice, kind and gentle to you and to others and that’s appropriate for every time of the year!
Whatever New Year’s Resolution you embark upon, I would like to wish you the very best for 2019.
Christmas is almost here! Some of us will be thrilled with this and some of us, less so. Christmas can be a time of great joy or huge stress (or both)! Christmas can be a difficult time, particularly when it is the first Christmas without a loved one or when there has been a change to the family composition. Every first is tough following a life change so aim to do things at your own pace and remember to be kind to you.
Here are some “dos and don’ts” for Christmas 2018.
Don’t overdo it and exhaust yourself – remember to make time for breaks, rest and relaxation.
Don’t try to do everything yourself – delegate and ask for help.
Don’t rush. Slow down; taste, smell, enjoy and savour every moment.
Don’t assume everyone shares your expectations for Christmas. Respect that others may not have the same plans or traditions (‘each to their own’).
Don’t drink too much alcohol. Enjoy moderation. Same goes for food – a little of what you fancy does you good.
Don’t react. When something is upsetting you, bite your tongue and come back to chat about it when you are in control.
Don’t get into debt because of Christmas. Spend within your budget. Santa loves bringing one present to each child, perhaps with a surprise!
Don’t get too distracted during the holidays by fussing, tidying, cooking etc. Be present for your loved ones.
Don’t hold grudges. People make mistakes. Forgive easily so you can enjoy Christmas in each other’s company.
Don’t stress about Christmas. It will come and go but what memories will you have?
Don’t argue with family, friends or with anyone – it’s not necessary. Discussion and debate are fine.
Don’t take things too seriously – have fun, laugh, play, smile.
Don’t expect perfection. It is not attainable. Good enough is good enough.
Do take responsibility. Whatever you do or say and how you behave – these are all within your control and are your responsibility. You are an adult, be accountable for your actions.
Do engage in activities that you enjoy with people who are easy to be with.
Do say you are sorry when you get something wrong. Own up. Apologise readily, especially to your children.
Do pay attention to your feelings. If you are not in great form, ask yourself what you can do to improve your mood and act.
Do try to disconnect as much as possible from technology and reconnect with friends and family.
Do write three things every day for which you are grateful. Count your blessings, not your problems.
Do ensure you get enough physical exercise to help you remain calm particularly at what you know will be potentially stressful times.
Do remember that although it takes two people to argue it only takes one to stop. If you are right about something, there is no need to prove someone else wrong.
Do face each day with a positive outlook. Look for the things that are right and good.
Do speak positively about and to others.
Do something today and every day this December for which your future self will thank you!
Every best wish for Christmas and beyond xxx
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Divorce – Helping Your Teen
Tips to help your teenager cope with your separation
When parents are separating, the ideal situation is for them both to sit down, together with their child, and explain the plan for the separation, giving your child as much information as is appropriate based on the maturity of the child. At that time, parents can reassure their child that they, the parents, will always be available and will answer any questions the child might have.
Parents can explain the intended outcome of the separation and affirm that it is a positive change. Parents can chat about and also demonstrate to the child that they are loved, safe and secure and that regardless of what is going on between the parents, the child’s wellbeing always comes first. Reassurance can be given that although the family is changing, it is not ending.
HOWEVER, life doesn’t always allow for the “ideal situation” and thus, each separation is different. Some separations occur following the slow deterioration of a relationship however, for others, something may happen to result in one parent suddenly leaving the family home with the children and without a definitive plan.
Change following separation can be difficult and frought. There may be several questions following separation including “who will live where”, “who’s going to drive/drop/collect”; “how will we manage holidays” and “why?” Be as honest as you can without sounding aggressive and always try to sound grounded and impartial.
It is important that your child has time to process what is happening and to adjust to the new and perhaps unexpected changes. Ensure your teen receives adequate reassurances from you both, as parents, so your child feels in control and as relaxed as possible despite the change in circumstances.
Remind yourself that two happy homes are more beneficial to your child than one unhappy/stress-filled home.
Support your child’s relationship with the other parent during and following separation. Reassure your child that the separation is not your child’s fault. Don’t discuss your former partner’s wrong-doings or complain about them to your child or in your child’s presence.
It may be a good idea for your child to have someone outside of you, with whom they can chat about how they’re feeling and discuss thoughts, worries or feelings such as a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Talk to your child about his/her needs and listen to all opinions. Teenagers are quite reliant on their peers and although you may want your child to see your perspective, they may see life through their lens and focus on their own particular needs and issues. Be patient, talk and listen attentively when your teen speaks and comes to you to chat.
Whenever you have a family occasion, put your child first and make plans well in advance. Try to be as inclusive as possible with all family members. Do not ban your child from forming relationships with your ex’s new partner for example. Always stick to arranged plans and be there when you say you will. It is tempting to buy nice things to cheer up your child but providing love and care is better than providing more stuff – presence rather than presents!
Your child is not there to support you – you’re there to support your child. If you find you are struggling emotionally, please ask for help.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Beat The Autumn Blues
Beat The Autumn Blues
“The evenings are getting longer” – we often hear this phrase but we still don’t have any extra time in the day! Although we have fewer hours of daylight, we needn’t feel sad or anxious about winter approaching. October brings Halloween and a bank holiday weekend for jazzing in Cork! Seasons change and with autumn we have the most amazing colours on our trees and we have leaves to kick. To date, here in Ireland, we have had wonderfully warm temperatures so there is no excuse for us not spending time outdoors! It is true that we have fewer daylight hours and the evenings can seem longer particularly if we spend more time indoors.
Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this month and beat the autumn blues.
Every morning remind yourself that each new day is a new beginning, something to be happy and grateful for (regardless of what is going on in our lives we are alive).
Get as much sunlight as possible. Spend time outdoors as often as possible.
Plan a break: a day trip, spa break, holiday, a night out, a hurling/football match, concert etc – it is good to have something to look forward to.
Develop gratitude for what you have.
Exercise outdoors in daylight hours. Exercise that gets your heart rate up and gets you sweating is good for your mental and physical health.
Hug more. Hugs are healing and release pain-reducing hormones. If there is no human to hug, then invest in a pet.
Make a conscious effort not to spend time in front of any screen (tv, phone, laptop, ipad etc). Reduce your overall screen time and instead, do something productive: knit, crochet, read a book (the old-fashioned paper kind!), write a letter to someone you love, post some cards, pick up the phone to a friend, visit an elderly neighbour, add a friend to your walk!
Declutter. Tidy your house and make your bedroom cosy so that you enjoy spending time there.
Be kind to yourself. Soak your feet in Epsom salts, have a massage, get a manicure, buy a magazine or scented candle –treat yourself to something nice.
Get to the beach. Although it may be cold, wet and grey, the sea is fabulous to admire, whether you sit in your car and watch the waves or perhaps you might brave it and go for a walk on the beach – it will blow the cobwebs away!
Be mindful of your alcohol intake this October.
Get sufficient sleep. If you’re in need of a few sleeping tips see sleep
Improve your diet and eat foods that are in season. Make a big pot of veggie soup. Keep yourself hydrated with water. Make a conscious effort to eat well. Take supplements that your pharmacist recommends and check your vitamin D levels with your GP by having regular bloods done.
Do a hobby course in your local secondary school or college.
Start a book club or a dinner club and make it about meeting people not about having the best food or the tidiest house!
Get creative. Paint, dance, listen to music or learn how to play an instrument.
Don’t drink coffee to give you a pick-me-up, get to bed early instead. Energy makes energy – the more you do the better you’ll feel!
Remind yourself of good times that you have had. Reminisce. There is no one else in the world like you. You are unique. You are as good as (but not better than!) the next person.
Develop an ability to glance at your mistakes but stare at your achievements!
Breathe deeply at various times throughout the day and simply pay attention to your breath – spending time alone is beneficial for your emotional and physical health.
Talk to someone you trust and offload your problems and worries. A therapist (counsellor or psychotherapist) can help you get through difficult times and reassure you that you’re not alone. Consider chatting with a therapist who provides CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) particularly if you find that your thinking is negative or unhelpful so that you can learn to become more self-kind or self-compassionate this October.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Back To School Anxiety
Back to School Anxiety
Primary, secondary and third level institutions are all-systems-go at this time of year and it can be an emotional time for parents, children and for educators who also experience back-to-school anxiety.
You might feel lonely that your youngest is starting school or it may seem like only yesterday when it was your child’s first day at school and now he/she’s leaving home to start a third level course.
For some parents, a child starting school is super exciting, while it can be heart-breaking for other parents. Feeling anxious about the start of school term is to be expected because it is a big change. Whatever is happening in your household right now, stay focused and remain relaxed!
It is normal for your child (regardless of age) to have worries and concerns about school. Fears can vary from “which teacher?”; “where will I sit?”; “what if the bus doesn’t stop?”; “what if my friends aren’t my friends anymore?”; “maybe I won’t fit in”; “what if I don’t know what to say”……the list goes on.
Helpful tips
Ensure you have some one-to-one time with each of your children every day and at least every week go for a walk or play some music together or take a spin in the car or chat while doing a chore together etc.
Chat with your child(ren). Your message is always “I’m here to listen” and “I am your ally” so your child(ren) can approach you with worries and will be assured that together you will devise a plan of action to tackle their fears head-on.
Listen to the small things so your child knows you will be there for the big things as they age and worries change.
Encourage your child to share their feelings with you or their other parent / responsible adult. Explain that changes associated with returning/starting school can be difficult, that worries are okay and that it is beneficial to talk about them.
When your child is anxious, it may be easy to become stressed. The more grounded you are the better. It is comforting for your child to see that you are relaxed about a situation particularly when your child is anxious about it. Your child is looking to you for comfort and reassurance, if you react it may send the wrong message to your child and they may panic even more.
When your child comes to you and says they are worried about something, please be careful not to dismiss their worries or undermine their fears. Do not say “don’t worry” or “everyone feels like that”.Instead, chat about what course of action your child can take to help alleviate the worry. Encourage your child to work through the anxiety and to problem-solve. Try to empathise by saying “I see that you’re worried about this”.
Don’t dismiss fears as silly or say “that’s nothing“. When your child comes to you stop whatever you’re doing and listen carefully – show that you are interested in finding a solution. Listening to your child means that you allow them time to speak and time to think about what they want to tell you – don’t jump in too fast or finish sentences! Take time, listen and reflect back what you hear so your child knows you are paying close attention and that what they tell you is important to you.
Don’t break your child’s confidence by discussing their worries behind their back and making fun of them – they won’t confide in you again if they discover that you’re not trustworthy!
Encourage your child to be solutions-focused “what helps you feel relaxed?” or “what can you do that might help you feel better?”
Encourage your child to think about the nice things that happened during the day to gear their attention away from anxious thoughts particularly at night time. A nice way to finish the day is to ask your child, when saying good night, “what’s the best thing that happened today?” or “what was your favourite part of today?”
Praise. Praise. Praise. Every time your child handles a tricky situation and manages their anxiety give plenty praise. Be encouraging. As a parent you can’t always fix everything or be around to offer constant reassurance, but you can give your child the confidence to believe in their own abilities to overcome worries and concerns.
Think about how you behave when you are tired and hungry – we as adults are easily irritated. Your child may be irritable because of hunger or tiredness. It is important to have a good back-to-school routine for sleep and for meals. Watch portion sizes. Don’t reward your child(ren) with food items, instead reward with a trip to the playground or a comic or art materials. Stick to your screen time schedule (i.e. set limits to the amount of time, no screens in the bedroom or at the meal table). So very many children head to bed but not to sleep and school work and concentration suffer as a result of being on line into the small hours.
To recap, chat with your child, stay grounded, be and encourage your child to be solutions-focused, encourage and praise and stick to the back-to-school routine for sleep, food and screen-time!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Protect Your Mental Health
Protect Your Mental Health
People talk about “mental health” when they often mean “mental ill-health” or “mental-illness”. We all have ‘mental health’, just as we have ‘physical health’ and it changes throughout our life-time and even over the course of the day. Please care for, safeguard and protect your mental health because it is precious. The more you protect and look after it, the better able you will be to deal with life’s curveballs. Here are some reminders to help protect your mental health:
“Mind your body to mind your mind”. Eat well and regularly. Include natural foods. Increase intake of fruit, vegetables, wholegrains, nuts, beans and live yogurt. Include protein and fatty acids (oily fish, almonds, avocados etc). Avoid alcohol, trans fats, caffeine and high-sugar and processed foods. Cook your own meals. Stay hydrated with water.
Get your sleeping pattern in order. Ensure you get sufficient, good quality, uninterrupted sleep.
Exercise, movement, physical activity – we all know what we should be doing but there’s a big divide between knowledge and behaviour! Decide to move more and do it! Start small and build over time. Baby steps in the right direction are better than no steps! Celebrating those steps can help keep you motivated. Use the stairs, dance or go for a walk. I have a fridge magnet that says “housework won’t kill you but why take the risk” but one way to increase your movement is to do physical chores around the house like hoovering, dusting or cleaning windows. Being physically active helps you feel good and is great for your emotional wellbeing.
Set realistic goals – short, medium and long term. Acknowledge each achievement. Keep focused on the future – the best of life has yet to come.
Do things that you enjoy doing – gardening, painting, baking etc. Be creative when you can.
Give. This can be something small like holding open a door, saluting someone, making eye contact and smiling. Give your time by volunteering or give your energy by doing something nice for others – giving makes us feel good.
Always be kind. Kindness is the universal language. When we help others feel good we feel good.
Try to spot the good things in life and be grateful. Gratitude safeguards our mental health.
Spend time with people that are easy to be with.
Learn to say “no”.
Meet someone for a coffee or for a walk and a chat.
Join a club or start a club. We need social connections.
Stop being too busy to do the things you love and make the time.
Give yourself a break from technology and this includes the tv! Do something practical like read a book, bake, colour, draw, chat, get outside in nature, journal about your day, take a bubbly bath – there are so many things to do instead of being plonked in front of the tv.
Do something outside of your comfort zone, outside of your usual routine. When you feel discomfort in a safe environment/setting, remind yourself that it’s healthy and good.
Stop comparing.
Accept yourself as you are. You’re perfect. There is only one of you.
Be gentle with yourself when things go wrong. Praise you when things go right.
Learn how to relax and live with stress. Take up yoga or Tai-Chi, read a magazine, play with your children or a pet, listen to great music, sing out loud, write poetry, stand outdoors and admire the trees or the skyline.
Take time alone for yourself by yourself every day. I sit in my car when I return from work before I enter my house so that I leave work outside my home.
Smile. It brightens up those around you and also your face!
Learn how to control your breath. Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold for a couple of seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Breathe into your tummy rather than into your upper chest. Do this for a couple of minutes a couple of times a day. We all have to take bathroom breaks so why not breathe slowly and deeply every time you’re in the bathroom or when you wash your hands or turn on the kettle. There are opportunities for calm breathine but you must be disciplined! You’re worth the effort!
Get help. If you need it, ask for it. No one needs to face a problem on their own. We are better when we work together.
Find someone with whom you can talk about your issues or difficulties. If that person is a professional such as a counsellor, doctor, psychotherapist, psychologist, you can rest assured that whatever you say will be kept confidential.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Change Negative Thoughts
Change negative thoughts to positive thoughts
We all have negative thoughts. We all doubt ourselves from time to time. We think terrible things about ourselves like “I am useless”, “I’m no good”, “I’m a failure”, “it’s all my fault” or “if it wasn’t for my bad luck I’d have no luck” etc. Some of us might even start our day with negative thoughts – ever before we get up out of bed!
If you were to spill coffee on your shirt at breakfast, would you be convinced that the rest of the day will be dreadful? If there are some cars ahead while you are driving, do you automatically assume you will be late? Do you anticipate worst case scenarios or envisage catastrophes for planned events?
In my experience, if our thoughts are mostly negative, then our outlook is usually pessimistic. Conversely, when our thoughts are mostly positive, it’s easier to be optimistic and look forward to the future.
Negative thoughts are a feature of day-to-day life, but we can change our negative thoughts to more positive and realistic thoughts. This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes effort and commitment. The good news is that when it comes to our thinking, it is never too late to change.
Here are some suggestions to help change your negative thoughts to positive thoughts. It takes practice, but the outcome is so very worthwhile.
Take notice of your thoughts. Pay attention to them. What do you say to yourself about you or about others? Ask yourself why you are being negative? Why are you so harsh? Does it make you feel good? Is there an alternative viewpoint to yours?
What perspective or lens do you have for your life? Do you see the glass as half full or half empty? Are you someone who is delighted to have a glass with something in it?!
Allow your thoughts to enter your mind (whether they are positive or negative) and then allow them to leave. If they are not helpful or beneficial to you, then do not entertain them.
Concentrate on your successes or on things you did well in the past. Remember a time when you were happy. Think back to a lovely day or a fun event with a friend. Reminiscing about the past is helpful for the present.
Singing can take the edge off negative thoughts. Some people enjoy whistling rather than singing so do what works for you.
Help someone. This takes the focus off you and your worries as you place your attention on someone else.
Try yoga or meditation. It doesn’t matter how fast our lives are we can all create a place for stillness (take a few breaths every time you go to the bathroom).
Write three things every day that were good about the day or that you are proud of or that helped you to feel good that day.
Spend time alone with your thoughts.
Do not distract yourself to the point that you can’t sit still or that you must keep going all the time. Learn how to be with you. When driving alone, turn off the radio and drive in silence.
Set short, medium and long term goals so you have targets to aim for and achieve. Focus on the little wins and congratulate yourself for how far you have come, rather than complaining about how much is left to do or what you didn’t achieve.
Focus on your breath and your breathing helps alleviate the discomfort experienced because of negative thoughts. Are you able to control your breath? Can you slow it down? Inhale through your nose, fill your abdomen with air and exhale slowly.https://carolinecrotty.ie/calm breathing
Reduce time on social-media.
Practice positive self-talk. Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend.
Discover areas of your life where you need positive self-encouragement and act.
If a negative thought enters your mind, be rational. Remind yourself: a negative thought is just a negative thought. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t define you. It’s not a prediction or the truth, it is nothing more than a thought.
Slow down. Take your time. Allow yourself more time than you need because it can help you feel less fraught.
Do what you know to be right despite negative thoughts. For example, you don’t have to wait to feel good to go for a walk or for the rain to stop, you can go for a walk feeling bad/sad or in the rain because you know it’s the right thing to do and the positive thoughts (and feelings) will follow.
Make positive plans and having something to look forward to.
Take responsibility and ownership of your problems. Don’t blame others for mistakes you have made. There comes a point when we must stop blaming our parents for their mistakes and take charge in rectifying our lives.
Make a list of things you’re grateful for right now.
Spend time with positive people, who are easy to be with. If you are with negative people, it is hard to keep your thoughts positive so try to develop a non-stick Teflon coating to other’s negativity.
Read. Knit. Crochet. Bake. Garden. Positively engage your brain with a practical task.
With any problem, ask yourself what are your choices and options right now? What are the solutions to your problems? Make your problem or worry list a “to do” list.
Smile. Laugh. Enjoy your time alone or with others. Try to find fun in the mundane. Turn on a comedy or smile as you recall a time when you made a fool of yourself. Stop taking yourself too seriously.
Your brain is not separate from your body. When you mind your body with sleep and a good diet for example, your brain benefits too.
Remember no one is perfect or has a perfect life regardless of how things may appear! Be gentle with and encourage YOU.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Prioritise Sleep!
Prioritise Sleep!
Just as we know how important good quality natural food is for our bodies, it is important that we acknowledge how important sleep is for our overall health and wellbeing.
It is likely that each of us will have difficulty sleeping at some point in our lives. Not getting enough sleep or having disrupted sleep is very common. At any given time, about one third of adults are experiencing sleep difficulties i.e. trouble falling asleep, waking during the night or waking too early.
Good sleep is characterised by appropriate timing, sufficient duration, high quality, regularity and alertness during waking hours. There are several repercussions of insufficient or interrupted sleep which include memory impairment, increased risk of accidents, cognitive deficits and increased BMI. Yes, sleep quality can cause weight gain! When we are sleep deprived, we even find it hard to make simple decisions and we are certainly not in the best mood!
As well as being implicated in complex cardiovascular and mood disorders, the quality and quantity of sleep that an individual gets determines the risk of developing metabolic or immune system disorders. Sleep helps our brains and bodies recover and promotes both physical and psychological wellbeing.
Sleep is not optional – it is vital for optimum health and wellness.
The amount of sleep we need is very individual – teenagers can need 8-10 hours while adults over 25 years need 7-9 hours per night. At times we will need more e.g. pregnancy, post-operative or recuperating from illness. When our sleep is interrupted by newborns for example we must catch up on sleep when we can. We can also have sleepless nights due to illnesses and discomfort. Sleep is very individual but as an adult over 25 years aim to for a minimum of 7 hours every night.
Sleep is an essential component of physical and mental health as well as general wellbeing.
Make sleep a priority.
If you have difficulties with sleep, reassure yourself your sleeping pattern will soon be regularised.
Follow a nightly routine.
As part of that routine, consider burning a lavender candle; listening to relaxing music; practicing calm breathing or writing a gratitude list.
Have specific times for going to bed and for waking up.
Avoid staying up late and sleeping in late (even on weekends or days off).
Get sufficient sunlight every day.
Keep bedrooms tidy and dimly lit.
Avoid naps in the late afternoon or for longer than 20 mins.
Avoid screens and bright lights at night including TV, laptop or handheld electronic devices because they wake us up and can stop the hormone melatonin which helps us sleep.
Alcohol and cigarettes negatively affect sleep.
If you wake at night, resist the urge to check the time, instead, reassure yourself that you will catch up on sleep another night.
Wear bed-socks to keep you warm while you sleep.
Keep bedroom temperatures neither too hot nor too cold.
Exercise during the day but not too late into the night.
Beds are for adult fun and sleep and not for worrying, watching tv, eating, etc.
Don’t eat too late but don’t go to bed hungry.
Avoid caffeine after lunch or completely if possible.
If you are having difficulty with your sleep routine, or if you find yourself lying in bed at night with your brain trying to find different issues for you to worry about, then please talk to someone. Help is at hand – reach out and ask.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
50 Tips for Life
50 Tips for Life
(in no particular order!)
Most of us could use a few reminders to help make our lives easier and happier. Here are 50 tips for life that might help you feel more content – if you put them into practice!
Smile. Laugh.
Count your blessings. Develop gratitude.
Learn to say no and to ask for what you want (it’s effective communication). Say yes without expectation.
Nothing changes because you complain. Change comes with action. Stop complaining – the negativity is not good for you or for those around you!
Declutter. Happiness doesn’t come from ‘stuff’ (it actually comes from giving).
Awareness is key to change. Get to know yourself.
Live life according to your expectations and not the expectations of others.
Forgive people. Don’t hold grudges. Forgive you. Don’t hold regrets.
Listen more. Talk less especially when someone speaks to you.
Mind your mental health. Spend time daily with your thoughts to help you destress.
Plan your meals and make them from scratch.
Ask for help and be specific e.g. “can you please mind the children for one hour on Saturday while I take a break?”
Don’t buy anything simply because it is reduced.
Watch your self-talk. Be your own cheerleader.
Put out tomorrow’s clothes today i.e. prepare for tomorrow today.
Gently stretch when you wake.
Stay connected. Research shows our health is negatively affected when we are socially isolated.
Do not buy clothes hoping they will fit at some stage. When you buy new clothes, get rid of old ones.
Hugs are healing. Pets can provide great company and most love hugs if there are no humans to hug.
Disconnect from technology. Reconnect with nature and people.
Dance. Anytime, anywhere.
Salute people. You might be the only contact someone has when you say “good morning”. Always say “thank you”. It’s nice.
Get a good night’s sleep. Stick to a bedtime routine. Aim for 7-9 hours. Sleep restores body and brain.
Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn.
Instead of watching tv do something productive. Plant a seed, write a letter, read a book, visit a neighbour etc.
Treat yourself.
Diet and nutrition is one way to mind our mental health. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can affect how we feel and think. B12, D, Zinc, Omega 3 fatty acids, iron, selenium and other deficiencies in minerals, amino acids and proteins can negatively affect our mental state. Have your bloods checked.
Retrain your brain to spot the positive, rather than the negative.
Listen to music that you like.
Get daily sunlight.
No one is any better or any worse than you. Regularly remind yourself of this because you are enough.
Learn how to control your angry reactions – take deep breaths rather than shouting or swearing. Don’t lose your temper with anyone. Ever.
You don’t know what you would do if you were in someone else’s shoes. Stop judging others. Stop judging yourself. Humans make mistakes. Learn from them.
Whatever your age, keep active. Keep your body healthy with movement.
Respect the environment. Recycle. Have a compost bin.
Stay hydrated. Watch the colour of your pee – the more you drink, the clearer your urine looks. The colour is more concentrated when you drink less fluid.
Sing. It’s good for your health and it’s calming.
Keep a journal – it can help you keep track of your day-to-day feelings and emotions.
Learn to slow down your breath. Exhale for longer than you inhale a few times a day.
Write a list of your worries and turn that list into a plan of action.
We flourish with praise. Focus on the things you get right. Praise yourself and readily give praise to others.
Be considerate. You have no idea what’s going on for others. Be kind at every opportunity.
Mind your physical health by keeping your body strong and fit.
Reduce or cut out alcohol, caffeine, processed foods, sugar, screen-time, cigarettes, stressful situations, negative people, naps late in the afternoon, staying up late or sleeping in.
Increase time with positive people, your intake of vegetables, fruit, wholegrains, bright berries, nuts, protein and fresh produce. Eat more beats, garlic and broccoli.
Feed your senses i.e. eyes (sight), ears (sound), skin (touch), tongue (taste) and nose (smell).
Wear bed socks to help keep your body warm while you sleep.
Have health-checks e.g. smear, hearing, dental, breast, sight, vitamin, hormone, prostate etc – whatever it is that you should get done – go do it!
Let go of trying to figure out ‘why’. There isn’t always a ‘why’ and if you had a ‘why’ what would it change?
No one likes a “know-all”. Don’t give advice unless someone expressly wants it and, even then, ask if he/she is absolutely sure!
Always have goals, like dreams, they’re appropriate for every age. Have short, medium and long-term, achievable goals. Write them down. Acknowledge achievements. Set new goals – keep going.
Yes that is 51! I couldn’t resist.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
20 Tips for Anxiety
Top 20 Tips to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Anxiety is as natural as breathing! Although we often view it as negative, anxiety is not all bad – it helps keep us motivated and focused, it changes our behaviour in a productive way i.e. look how anxiety gets us going when we are nearing an assignment or work deadline!
However, if you are wasting time thinking about worst case scenarios or catastrophising – here are 20 top-tips to help alleviate those anxious feelings:
Reduce caffeine. It’s found in energy drinks, chocolate, tea, and coffee. High caffeine intake is linked with raised anxiety levels.
Exercise that gets your blood pumping and increases your heart rate is perfect for alleviating anxiety.
Spending time with people who know and love you (just as you are) is comforting.
Avoid alcohol as it’s directly linked with feelings of anxiety and low mood and only provides a temporary distraction from anxious thoughts and feelings.
Learn how to slow down your breath. Breathing slowly into your tummy a few times every day when calm is a new skill you can develop for use when anxious.
Spend more time outdoors. Nature is therapeutic. Get sufficient sunlight every day.
Improve sleep. Numbers 1-6 will improve sleep. Don’t worry in bed, instead write down your difficulties and decide to tackle them during daylight hours. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day and avoid screens late at night.
Speak nicely to you. Anxiety is not to be feared. Remind yourself that you are okay. Think of the encouraging things someone else might say and say them to yourself.
Eat well and regularly i.e. fresh, brightly coloured, unprocessed foods. Reduce refined sugars.
Listen to a mindfulness meditation or calming music which have a direct impact on our brain. Take timeout every day just to be with you. Developing patience to sit still (and no 5) is beneficial for our bodies and our minds.
Do what makes you feel good and lifts your spirits e.g. gardening, baking, knitting, tinkering with the car etc. A practical distraction is calming.
Write down your worries. If they are inside your control, then act by setting mini-goals to tackle the issues.
Smell something wonderful like fresh flowers or coffee beans. Light an aromatherapy candle that was created with relaxation in mind (lavender). Smells and aromas help relax us.
Focus on what’s going right or things you’ve done well in the past. You’ve made it this far. Try to focus on the little things you get right during the day as they help to feed your self-esteem and perk-up your mood.
When you were young, did you “take a line for a walk”? It involves drawing circles or shapes on a page without lifting the pen from the paper. Then colour-in your work of art! Colouring can improve focus and reduce stress levels.
Write a ‘note of reassurance’ to yourself when you feel positive. Put it in your wallet. Read it when feeling panicky or afraid to remind you that you can get through difficult times.
Limit time on social media.
Develop gratitude (linked to no. 14). Be thankful for what you have, your family, friends, home, health, body, limbs, liberty etc. Write down three things every day that you appreciate or for which you are grateful.
Consider a talking therapy such as counselling. Chatting with someone who understands what you’re going through, in confidence, can improve your mood and help you regain control over worries. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can also help you challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts.
Smile – a big eye-wrinkling smile! It is contagious and can perk-up your mood.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Rethink Your Drink
Rethink Your Drink!
In Ireland we drink to celebrate and also to grieve. On a hot day, we head to a beer garden and when the weather is cold, where better to pass the time than warming ourselves by a pub fire?
We overindulge on drink throughout December with parties and Christmas celebrations. January is usually a dry month, often because we are broke, but what about February? Perhaps it’s a month to rethink our drinking.
Alcohol is intertwined in our lives, so much so, that when a person doesn’t drink there must be a reason – pregnancy, antibiotics, illness, recovering alcoholic?! And we often hear “well, you’ll just have something small so or maybe a hot toddy” like that’s not really drinking!
We know cigarettes are bad for our health, but we don’t think about alcohol being bad. Alcohol is linked with several cancers including mouth, bowel and throat and cutting down the amount we drink could potentially reduce the risk of alcohol-related cancers.
Alcohol is not just connected to cancer, it leads us to say and do things that we cannot unsay or undo. It causes us to engage in risky sexual behaviours, to put ourselves in danger and make dodgy decisions. Alcohol dulls our memory and is linked with heart and liver-disease, osteopetrosis, high blood pressure, poor sleep, anxiety, and depression, (there is a long list).
Make informed decisions about your alcohol intake.
You do not need alcohol to function, or to relax. You don’t need alcohol to engage with others, to make you more interesting, to help you sleep or dance better! If you do, perhaps it’s time to re-think your drinking.
Cutting down means you can avoid hangovers, save money, get a great night’s sleep and improve mental and physical health.
How to cut down your alcohol intake:
Be drink aware. Pay attention to what you drink, when, how much and why.
Encourage friends/family to support you. Explain that you are cutting down/cutting out.
Don’t bring alcohol home. If it is not in the house you will be less tempted.
Distract yourself at the time you usually drink e.g. shower, walk, dance, vacuum, phone someone, garden, read etc.
Never drink alone.
Change your scenery. Suggest going to the cinema or for a meal instead of going to the pub.
Slow down. Alternating with a glass of water helps us slow the pace.
Set a limit to the number of drinks and stop once your limit is reached.
Consider bringing only enough money for a certain number of drinks when going to the pub.
Finish each drink before ordering/pouring another to help keep track of how much you consume.
Drink from a smaller glass.
Have a bottle instead of a can, a single instead of a double. Pour one glass of wine then put the bottle away.
Increase your alcohol-free days in the week.
Rethink your drink and if you need help to change, help is available – reach out. Please.
A New Year, A New Me? Maybe Not!
A New Year A New Me?
A new year, a new me! Really? I don’t know how many times we read and hear this phrase at the start of every new year. I even say it myself as I’m eating chocolates at breakfast time during the end of year holidays! The news is that we are all the same people whether it is January or July. We do not enter a new year suddenly transformed into a different more abstemious person. We might, however, set a goal for ourselves for the year ahead.
Try to remember that you are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change and become someone else although you might want to start exercising or shed a kilo or two or perhaps cut down on processed foods etc but do not make your happiness dependent on achieving something in the future. People often say that they will be happy when they reach a target weight or achieve a certain something like a promotion or a new house for example but I am doubtful that it’s an accurate prediction of contentment.
Now is the time to feel great about yourself. If you feel good right now, just imagine how amazing you will feel when you achieve your goals or attain your 2018 resolutions.
If you do not feel too great right now, try not to be too hard on yourself. January is a very tough month for many. Couples often stay together over Christmas knowing that the new year will bring a change to their relationship; being in debt can be stressful or knowing your credit card bill will be severe because of overspending on presents or on the sales; when family has returned to their homes and the house is quiet or not having family members to rely on can leave one person with several responsibilities and that too can feel exhausting.
Returning to work and facing back into our usual routine can also be difficult. Knowing that there is no routine of work can also be upsetting. However, January is not all doom and gloom. I would like to reassure you that if you are having a hard time in January that you are not alone. Several people are feeling like you do right now i.e. not super enthusiastic that it is the start of a new year! This is a common feeling and you are entitled to feel however you feel!
Try to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Telling someone how you feel, chatting about your worries and fears can help you gain perspective. Talk to a trusted friend or family member or to a healthcare professional.
What can lift our mood in January?
Start with small steps towards achieving your New Year’s goal. When you do something that you know to be good or beneficial, acknoweldge and celebrate your achievements, this will help you continue towards achieving your goal.
Cut down or avoid alcohol to help your system detox after the overindulgences of the holiday period.
Increase your intake of brightly coloured fresh fruit and veg.
Eat at regular intervals. We often go without food for hours and then gorge ourselves on whatever rubbish is to hand. Plan your meals in advance but pay attention that you are eating regularly.
Turn up the music. It transports us in time, makes us feel good and lifts our spirits.
Get out of the house and spend more time in nature. Resist the urge to stay wrapped up indoors and force yourself to get out . You will be thankful that you made the effort to leave the house.
Once it is okay to do so, why don’t you pick up the phone and ask someone to meet you for a coffee and a chat. If they say no then that’s perfectly okay but someone might say yes! Or suggest going for a walk and you have both exercise and a chat all rolled into one!
Movement is key to keeping our bodies healthy and dancing in the kitchen, taking the stars, jumping on the spot, all count as exercise – keep your body active.
Have your bloods checked (including vitamin levels) with your doctor to ensure that your body is in tip top condition. Visit the dentist and optician for check ups. Save up for these health screens if you must but having a clean bill of health is priceless and if there is something that requires attention, finding out in time is crucial to receiving the best care.
Good quality, uninterrupted sleep is vital for our mental and physical health. Working shifts, having small children or a baby will mean your sleep is interrupted so catch up with naps if necessary. Sleep can be rectified over time so seek help to ensure you are getting sufficient good quality uninterrupted shut-eye! See some further info here https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Having self-confidence to make mistakes or noticing our self-talk and challenging any negative dialogue are worthwhile new year goals. Not eating chocolate at breakfast time is a great goal because minding our bodies is our investment in our future selves.
For this new year perhaps set the goal to be kind to you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Empty Nest
Empty Nest Syndrome
This is the time of year when people mention having an “empty nest”, often because a child has recently left home to attend college or pursue a career. We hear of “empty nest syndrome” and although a topic of psychological research, it is not a medical condition per se. However, the menopause often ties-in with the same timeframe as children leaving home which, as we know, brings with it both physical and emotional side-effects and a time of self-reflection.
When examining the idea of an “empty nest”, there are several factors involved. Worrying about our children when they are away from home can cause us stress and anxiety. The role of work outside the home is a factor that may be connected to the intensity of the “empty nest” feeling. If we are distracted by work outside the home it can help keep us occupied. Increased life-expectancy coupled with children leaving home younger means the period of life spent on our own as aging adults has increased. While caring for our elderly parents and also providing care for our children we might feel like all we do is run and race with little ‘me time’ and then, with this newfound time on our hands, it may seem strange and alien.
When one-by-one children start leaving home, parents react differently. I often hear the words “useless”, “deflated”, “on the scrapheap” “no sense of purpose” mentioned. Parents go through many struggles at different stages throughout childrearing years, and the last child starting primary school can also be an emotional time for many.
Bear in mind parents who are waiting (or hoping) for adult children to ‘fly the nest’ but due to financial or housing demands (and a host of other reasons), do not leave home as expected or perhaps return home having been away. This can leave parents with the sense that “this wasn’t how my life was supposed to be”. There are various reasons why we may feel, at a certain stage, that our lives are not what we planned and the hopes and dreams we once had for our futures have not been realised.
Do not despair and certainly do not let go of your aspirations. You have a new life and the focus is now on you.
It can be easy to fall into the trap of dwelling on the negative and feel guilty about the things that you did not do with your children before they left home. Turn that thinking around and remind yourself that you have done your best as a parent and your children have left home to pursue their ambitions. This is the natural circle of life and a job well done.
What helps? Talking to someone you trust about how you feel is always beneficial because it helps you acknowledge your emotions and gives you focus on positive change.
Try to reframe what is going on and see the advantages of having the house to yourself e.g. it is a time of privacy in which you can rekindle your relationship with your partner and pursue your dreams and goals.
Although it is initially challenging, be as social as possible. Meeting people is a good way to stay occupied and feel happier. Exercise is physically and emotionally beneficial. Take up a class whether it’s water aerobics or a walking group, keep moving, ideally with others. Start a dinner or book club with the sole purpose that you are there to chat (this is not a competition to see who can cook the best dinner or have the most to say about a book!
When something happens in your body your brain tries to make sense of it. If your face is smiling, a big wide smile that gives you wrinkles around the corners of your eyes, your brain reads this as “I’m smiling therefore I must be happy” and you will feel happier. The reverse is true if you are frowning so don’t forget to smile!
We all need sufficient, good quality sleep to feel good about ourselves and to think clearly. To improve our sleep ensure you get daily sunlight, avoid caffeine and alcohol, keep bedrooms tidy and cool, avoid screens at night-time including phone, tv, p.c., increase exercise and time in nature. Set and stick to the same bedtime routine. See https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Music affects your brain in a range of ways – it can give us chills, cause a variety of emotions, make us want to dance, transport us back in time and help us relax. Play your favourite music and play it often. Now is your chance to fill your house with whatever music you fancy.
Set achievable goals and stick to them. You will feel happier because it gives you focus and achieving them gives you momentum to carry you forward.
Keep in regular contact with your child(ren). Try not to pester them and do not make your concerns their worries. Instead, suggest that Sundays are a good day to chat and remind them that sending the odd sms even if it is just a smiley face emoji will let you know they are okay.
Congratulate yourself on a job well done. The rest of your life is ahead of you – may it be filled with joy, love, peace, health and happiness.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Burnout
Burnout is Real!
A friend of mine recently said she felt like her head was so full, it felt empty. That can be a warning sign of burnout i.e. feeling overwhelmed with an inability to take in any new information. Burnout is real. It is not simply feeling tired or having a bad day and it is not enough just to take a few days of annual leave to recover and recharge the batteries.
Burnout doesn’t happen overnight – there can be a slow build-up with several warning signs.
Things to watch out for are feeling exhausted and drained (mentally and physically); having a more or less constant feeling of dread; not falling asleep easily or having interrupted sleep; forgetfulness; nausea; fuzzy head; not being able to focus or concentrate; everything that you would associate with stress you can associate with burnout like headaches, heart palpitations, quickened breath, feeling dizzy or disjointed or maybe even fainting; regularly fighting infections (illnesses) because your system is depleted, being on edge and snappy, feeling guilty when there is no need, feeling trapped and begrudging your employers because you feel overextended or taken for granted.
Burnout is a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion. It is caused by prolonged, chronic and excessive stress.
Burnout can result in a loss of energy, motivation or enthusiasm, feeling overwhelmed, useless, cynical, detached or resentful, emotionally or physically drained and unable to undertake usual tasks or having zero sense of accomplishment from the usual things that you do.
It is hard to feel good about yourself if you’re heading towards burnout or if you are in it and thus our emotional health suffers. When someone says to you that you need to take it easy or you’ll burn out – please pay attention!
Common Work Stressors include being micromanaged with little control or little supervision with no supports; changes including new staff or systems; working crazy hours without downtime; difficult colleagues or customers; impossible deadlines; working outdoors in bad weather or heavy lifting can all take their toll on our stress levels.
Now that you know that burnout is, take steps to avoid it.
Firstly, pay attention to your body and to what it is trying to tell you e.g. taug muscles, cloudy head, headaches etc. Try not to leave it until it is too late to take preventative action! Start by setting boundaries for your wellbeing.
Make time for friends, family and for yourself. Do things you enjoy with people who are easy to be with such as going to the cinema, volunteering, meeting for coffee, get a manicure or buy a magazine.
Try to minimise screen time by not using your phone, tablet, laptop as much as possible and try not to have a screen in your bedroom because it interferes with your sleep. Having screen free days helps to rest your brain and allows you time to think (rather than being distracted by online events).
Watch what you eat – by paying attention to what you ingest it will impact on your mood. Do not rely on drugs or alcohol to make you feel better – the relief is only temporary and is akin to avoidance rather than solving your problems. Exercise is vital. Even if you are in an office all day remember to stand and stretch or walk to the kitchen or bathroom to keep your blood flowing and your body moving. Take regular breaks at work or at home – go and get a glass of water so you can leave your desk.
Remind yourself just how far you have come and remember your achievements. Consider your options – remember that you always have choices. Learn how to control your breath Spend time in nature every day. Being outside in daylight also helps regulate our sleep. Take up a hobby or do something you enjoy like gardening, baking, hoovering etc.
Tell a trusted friend or a healthcare professional how you are feeling and that you are struggling and/or feeling under pressure. Having someone to listen in a confidential setting will give perspective and help you to devise the plan to tackle and resolve issues. Good quality, sufficient sleephelps us to think more clearly and is beneficial for our physical health and emotional wellbeing.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Gut Feeling
Gut Feeling
Our whole lives are governed by our feelings and emotions. We might get a ‘gut feeling’ about someone or something which governs how we behave and react. Our feelings determine and impact on so very much of our day. We often believe that our feelings are right and true. We hear something and we jump to conclusions about people or events or ourselves without requiring or questioning the facts.
Just because I think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true!
When we talk about ‘feeling anxious’ we really mean that we have a physiological reaction to something that’s going on in our minds. That physical reaction in our bodies might mean we run to the bathroom, or feel sick, or that we do want to eat because our stomach is churning or we might feel dizzy or have a heavy feeling in our chests or interrupted sleep – there is a huge range of physical reactions to anxious feelings and thoughts.
It can seem quite difficult to decipher which comes first, the anxious feeling in our bodies or the anxious thoughts because quite often we do not pay much attention to what is happening. We just know we feel something is wrong.
We might have an anxious feeling which seems to have come out of nowhere or we might have an anxious thought and then get a sensation of tightness in our chests. Anxiety is perfectly normal. We need it to keep us focused but we also need to feel that we are in control of our anxiety, that we are in charge and not the other way around where our anxiety is controlling us.
The first step to making changes is to pay attention to your thoughts. You cannot change anything unless you are aware of what you are thinking. So, firstly, raise awareness of what it is you would like to change. What are you telling yourself about you or others? What takes-up your headspace? If someone else could hear your thoughts what would they hear – pleasant statements or mean comments and put-downs?
If you want to make changes to your thinking learn how to let yourself off the hook. When you are learning to pay attention to your thoughts it can seem strange and difficult so be patient.
Pay attention to what you are thinking, then challenge those negative thoughts, put them on trial – is there factual evidence to support your view or just a feeling? Praise yourself for any little progress you make. Every time you catch yourself thinking negatively and challenge those thoughts, that is an achievement worthy of self-praise. Be proud that you want to make changes and that you are doing something to improve yourself.
If you feel that you are struggling, please tell someone that you trust, who will keep what you say in confidence. No one needs to face any problem on their own.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Hugs Are Powerful
There is something that is great for our health, free of charge, yet remarkably undervalued. Readily available, environmentally-friendly and requires little or no preparation.
What could it be?
It’s a hug.
Hugs are Powerful!
We tend not to take notice of the health benefits of hugging, so I encourage you to start today.
Give hugs as often as you can to a person, a pet, or even a tree! The benefits of hugging are remarkable.
Hugs do all the following:
Alleviate feelings of loneliness
Elevate mood
Reduce stress
Increase feelings of connection
Convey emotions without any words
Build self-esteem
Increase understanding
Reduce worries and anxiety
Build a sense of safety and security
Relax tense muscles
Reduce physical pain
Boost immune system
Benefit cardiovascular health
Say ‘you are loved’
Show that you care
Extend joy
Help form bonds with others
Increase empathy
Help build trust
By the way I didn’t simply make up this list! The health benefits of hugging are backed by empirical evidence. Research shows that snuggling up to someone or a pet releases the hormone oxytocin that strengthens our immune system, helps lower blood pressure, reduces the stress hormone cortisol, and improves heart rate. There are a great many benefits to hugging, and it has even been connected to helping children toilet-train quickly!
We know that warmth and responsiveness work well for fostering children’s social competence, and there is also evidence that hugs and chatting with children work better than shouting and/or punishment.
Sometimes children or other loved ones push us away or behave in a way that really frustrates us, and often leaves us as adults or parents frustrated and at the end of our patience. Well, that’s possibly when children could really do with a comforting hug.
It is not always easy to offer a hug when you feel annoyed, but it may be best to offer it anyway depending on the situation. You will benefit from the hug as much as the other person. It will help you both feel calmer, safer, and connected.
So when things seem to be going terribly wrong, offer a hug. It says ‘you are loved’ without using any words.
Think of the last time you were in trouble or were stressed about something. How lovely would it have been if someone offered you a hug? I’m sure it would have felt like a relief! You can be that person – and remember – we feel good when we help others. Go forth and hug!
The ‘mind bully’ is a regular part of life for most people. The mean-spirited, internal voice that criticises our physical appearance, flaws, conversation etc. The inner critic’s list is endless and is also fond of comparisons, comparing you to family members, friends or to people you don’t know who seem happy, successful, confident etc., particularly when you don’t feel particularly good about yourself. However, the people we compare ourselves to have issues and worries and their own internal critic just like us. Sometimes it can be really hard to feel that we are good enough.
We often have unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Successful relationships, owning property, career advancement, having children etc can be the focus of our inner critic. We may feel there is something wrong with us if we don’t hit our self-imposed targets. We lose sight of what we are getting right and of our daily successes. We forget that we are doing okay, that we are alright just the way we are, that we are good enough.
We are not perfect but there is no need to give ourselves a hard time. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We will achieve more if we accept that we are each unique with flaws and limitations and talents and gifts.
Feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Just because you feel or think something it does not make it true. Don’t be fooled by what you think or feel especially if you are prone to giving yourself a hard time.
Pay attention to how you talk to others when they are in trouble. What tone and words do you use? Do you ‘speak’ to yourself in the same way? If not, why not? You are worthy of gentle words and gestures particularly when you make a mistake or get something wrong.
When we least want to meet people, that’s when we most need them. Stay connected to help you get your thinking back on track.
Give yourself a pat on the back for each little success. Spot the good things that you do every day – like being up out of bed and dressed. Remind yourself you are doing okay. You have come this far despite all the obstacles.
When we accept ourselves as we are right now, it helps us feel content. Appreciate the life you have, it may not be perfect or as you had planned but it is your life. You have talents that the next person doesn’t have.
Acknowledge where you are and what you have achieved. Don’t give yourself a hard time about what you don’t have. Acknowledge the progress and sacrifices that you’ve made to come this far.
Focus on progress rather than perfection. You have come a long way.
Being mean won’t make you feel good. Praise, kindness and gentleness work far better. You are good enough. You’re not perfect and it is okay not to be.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Improve your relationship
Improve your relationship with you!
I remember reading the question “with whom will you have the longest relationship?” I thought “well, if I’m fortunate, it will be with my parents or my siblings”. I was wrong. The answer is very different.
The longest and most important relationship you will ever have is with YOU. The better the relationship you develop with you, the better it is, not only for you, but also for everyone around you. When we are happy and content within our own skin, we are easier to get along with because the positivity radiates outwards from us.
How can you improve your relationship with you? It’s not as difficult as it might at first seem. Start small and build over time. Remember the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. In fact, every accomplishment the world over began with someone deciding to give whatever it is a try.
Gratitude is a topic I often mention. Every night before you sleep write down three things that you appreciate about you with a pen and paper! It might be that you have good health or have children, or live in a quiet/busy area. These do not have to be earth-shattering big deals. You could write that you appreciate being a kind person, that you waved at a neighbour when you spotted him in the street or that you groomed your dog. Learn to appreciate the little things in every day. If you’re feeling stuck, appreciate having the freedom to leave your house if you so desire – at least we are not in prison!
Filtering is important to feeling good about you.If you have negative people in your life who are always complaining, try to filter out their negativity and tune them out – don’t get sucked in!
A wonderful approach to life is to learn to minimise complaints and criticisms. When you adopt that stance, you will no longer feel the need to judge or gossip. Sometimes at various points in our lives, listening to news-reports can be quite upsetting. If you don’t want to listen to or watch the news then don’t! Turn it off. Filter it out.
Reframe simply means to think differently, to spot unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more positive or helpful ones. Challenge your thoughts and the wording you use if its negative. Try to keep in mind how you would speak to someone else. You would probably be softer in your tone and approach than you are towards yourself when you get something wrong. Be gentle and kind to you. Ask yourself, “what advice would I give someone else about this situation?” then take your own advice.
You make mistakes just the same as the next person – because you are human! Remind yourself that you are not perfect but you are good enough.
More on being good enough here https://carolinecrotty.ie/being-good-enough/
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Jumping to Conclusions
Do you jump to conclusions?
Just because you think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true, even if it feels like it must be true!
If you jump to conclusions and often feel anxious or worried, the great news is that you can learn how to take charge of your thinking, learn to feel calmer and more in control of your thoughts.
If you told me that you would like to change someone else’s thoughts, I’d say you’re out of luck because there’s no hope of changing anyone else. However, if you want to change the way YOU think and change YOUR unhelpful thoughts or thinking patterns, then you can.
Each of us has automatic thoughts and we make assumptions all day long. Self-talk is very important because we tend to believe what we tell ourselves whether it is true or not! I often refer to what we have in our heads as a “mind bully”.
To others, we may look or appear calm but on the inside, we have a running commentary which accompanies us everywhere that can be horrible and nasty. I often ask “would you want to spend time with someone who talks to you the way you speak to yourself in your head?” I am fairly sure that for most people the answer is a resounding “no“.
Our self-talk can be cruel and make it easy for us to jump to inaccurate and often absurd conclusions. We might wake at night thinking terrible things are going to happen. Or we might be scared to quit our job because we are sure that we would fail elsewhere or we might think we would never even get another job. We might end a relationship because we are convinced our partner is too good for us and will run off with someone who’s more attractive, intelligent or interesting than us. We might eat a sweet and think we always fail at diets. The mind bully’s list of topics is endless!
Taking control of our thinking and ultimately learning how to manage our worries starts with our self-talk.
When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative, illogical or unhelpful thoughts with more logical and rational thoughts.
Firstly, pay focused attention to your self-talk and to what you are thinking. What are you saying to yourself? Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Do you jump to conclusions? Do you think you can predict the future with your invisible/imaginary crystal ball?
To challenge negative or irrational thoughts, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. For other suggestions take a look at this worksheet clear thinking
Where was I?
What happened?
What were my thoughts?
Are my assumptions based on facts?
How was I feeling?
What did I do?
Is there an alternative viewpoint?
What is a more logical and rational thought?
Time back again, what could I do differently?
It’s worth a try! It will help you to start paying attention to your thoughts and shortly, you’ll begin to catch yourself being unfair to you and then, you’ll be able to start challenging unhelpful and unwanted thoughts. Just beccause it feels right, doesn’t mean your thinking is accurate – jumping to conclusions is usually inaccurate and unhelpful.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
How to Be Happy II
How to be Happy Part 2
In my experience, happiness has more to do with what goes on in our minds than our circumstances (it’s not what happens, it’s how we react that’s important).
Because the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself, make it a happy one. Don’t think because someone has a huge house, is glamorous or prominent that they are happy! Happiness is different from success. Happiness comes from within and relates to what goes on in our brains rather than our bank accounts!
Happy people work at being happy. They make time to do things that help them feel good. Once you’ve decided you are going to make happiness a priority, sit down and set yourself achievable happiness goals:
Develop daily gratitude. We have much to be thankful for. If you want to be happy focus on what you have not on what you don’t have.
Movement is vital. Stretch before you get out of bed and stretch tense muscles. Walk around your home more often. Keep moving.
Comparisons never work. Stop comparing yourself to people you know or people on line.
Be solutions-focused. If you have a problem – ask yourself, “what can I do about this right now”? Also ask yourself what advice would you give someone else and then take your own advice.
Dance. In the kitchen or go out to dances. It’s easy exercise.
Take your time. Stop rushing. Admire the scenery. Daydream. Look at the clouds. Slowing everything down for a few minutes every day helps your overall sense of wellbeing.
Reduce the time you spend on technology. Be present for friends and family (never use your mobile in the presence of others).
Play to your strengths. Do things that make you feel happy. If you’re good at gardening, brilliant. Get out into the garden and plant veg or flowers or do some weeding. If you are not good at gardening, brilliant. Do something else that you are good at.
Allow the sun to bathe your skin. What sun you ask? Get outside every day and show your skin to the sun for 10 mins. Sunlight aids happiness (and sleep!)
Singing regulates our breathing and it is hard to take yourself too seriously while you are singing (and it doesn’t matter if you sound like a crow – just sing!)
Kindness is a universal language. When you are kind to others you feel happy but remember to be kind to you.
Feed your senses (sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch).
Breathe slowly in and out for a few minutes every day.
Act the eegit. Laugh. Play. Even when we have lots of responsibilities, make time for fun.
Hugs are healing. Hug someone or have a massage.
Do not cultivate negative thoughts, over-analyse, try to mind-read or predict the future.
Concentrate on the present– the only moment over which you have control!
&nb
How to be Happy I
How to be Happy Part 1
Do you know someone who is happy? Perhaps you are that happy person. What ‘happy’ means to me may differ to how you would define it. There are possibly as many definitions of ‘happiness’ as there are people.
Various factors impact and contribute to our overall sense of happiness from involvement in our communities to celebrations, weather, finances, family etc. I don’t have enough space here to examine influences on or definitions of happiness but in my experience, everyone wants to be happy.
Ask yourself ‘Do I want to be happy? If the answer is ‘yes’ put a plan of action into place. We all know that life is not fair but being happy requires an investment of your time and effort because happy people work at being happy.
If you want to be happy follow these tips:
Accept yourself completely – just as you are AND accept your reality. This means you accept your family, house, appearance, birthplace, strengths/limitations, history etc. Acceptance is the key to happiness. (This is not easy but it is vital).
Learn something new – how to put up a shelf, knit, sew, bake a sponge cake – keep your brain active with new knowledge and skills.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. Forgive others for theirs. Let go of resentments – it is difficult to be happy with a heavy heart.
Engage in activities. Start a new hobby such as yoga or Bridge. Join a club or start one e.g. a book club or dinner club with your neighbours/friends.
Spend time with people that make you feel good, ideally positive people. Avoid people who stress you out or drain your energies.
Have a sense of purpose. Happy people have something to do or somewhere to go (even if it is just to the shop for milk).
Do things you are good at, that you enjoy, that are fun or make you feel good. Do them often.
Say NO. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it. If you do, then do so without complaint.
Acknowledge that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions, you are only responsible for yours.
Find your voice and say when you are unhappy about something. (Say I feel x when y because z)
Nurture a loving relationship with YOU. Happy people give themselves breaks and let themselves off the hook. They learn how to relax and how to manage anxieties/stresses.
Set short-term achievable goals. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting unattainable goals! Set a goal, achieve it, acknowledge the achievement then set new goals!
Invest time in others. Make time for your partner, children, friends, neighbours or strangers.
Watch your language. I don’t mean swear words I mean self-talk. Say only positive things and use only positive words particularly when talking about you.
Help others because it makes us feel happy. Help willingly. Volunteer in your community or to do something nice for a neighbour.
Your brain believes you must be happy if you are smiling, it immediately raises your mood. Smiles are contagious.
Treat your body as well as you can. Eat well, hydrate, keep moving and breathe slowly.
Be kind and gentle, forgiving and compassionate with YOU and others.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Challenging Thinking
Challenging Negative / Illogical Thinking
If we are attempting to change our thinking pattern it can be helpful to analyse what we are saying to ourselves (in our minds). When we know what our thoughts are, then we can work towards replacing negative or illogical thoughts with more positive, rational ones.
Is your thinking realistic? Is it catastrophic? Are you logical? Are you mind-reading? Is your thinking magical (if x then y)?
To challenge negative thoughts or irrational thinking, try completing each of the following questions outlined in bold on a writing pad every day. I have inserted a sample answer.
If you find answering all the questions difficult at first, perhaps start on week one with just the first two questions and the following week answer the first three questions and so on. Before you know it, you’ll be automatically challenging your negative thoughts.
Where was I?
In my car driving home from work.
What happened?
Someone pulled into the road in front of me and caused me to brake hard. I got a fright because I nearly crashed.
What did I think? What were my thoughts?
How can people be so thoughtless. That driver is so reckless. He didn’t think about me or the dangers. I could have rear-ended that car. My insurance premium would sky-rocket. I can’t afford another bill. He is such an idiot.
How did you feel?
I was fuming. I was so angry I was shaking. I felt like giving him a piece of my mind. I could feel my face turn red and my heart-beat quicken.
What did I do?
I shouted and shook my fist at the driver. I banged my fist on the steering wheel. I drove more quickly.
What is a more logical and rational thought?
I didn’t crash. The driver was probably distracted by something else and didn’t see me. This is nothing personal. I can ignore the incident because it is not going to be important in a year’s time. I can focus on the radio, music or calm breathing instead of getting angry. I am in control of my emotions and my thoughts. I am okay. Pull back and allow a greater distance in between me and the car in front because that helps keep me calm.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Time Management
Managing Time
Time management is easier than you might think. Be disciplined. Decide and act.
Time analysis. Examine and log how you currently use your time – effective time / time-wasting.
Write. Keep a diary of appointments and to-do list updated daily. Highlight key tasks. Cross-off completed tasks.
Do it. Break big tasks into manageable steps otherwise they seem overwhelming. Tackle vital tasks first. Completion beats procrastination.
Say ‘no‘. When you are caught for time or simply do not want to do something say no.
Ask for help. Share your difficulties and frustrations with others. Ask for help.
Set Limits. Set achievable goals. Stick to specific time-frames. Ensure you break every hour for a snack and change of scenery before returning to a task with a fresh perspective.
Disconnect. Do not allow social media or your phone to distract you. Keep mobiles, tablets, laptops in another area. If working on a screen, do not open unnecessary apps or windows (thus avoiding temptation!).
Unsubscribe from unimportant emails and from social media notifications. It takes time but it is worth it.
Allow time. Give yourself plenty of time to complete any task. Allow extra time to reach destinations before scheduled appointments which ensures you remain relaxed. When organising children allow oodles of time because there may be several unexpected events.
Mind your body. Diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation, sunlight are all central to being able to make good decisions and keep thinking clear. Each facet of your physical health requires an allocated amount of time.
Leave work at work. Devise a strategy that works best for you. Leave work outside your home front door. If you work in your home remember that work is only one part of your life – learn to be fully present while at home.
Mind your mind. Learn how to unwind and a new relaxation technique. Stare at the clouds. Practice calm breathing which helps control racing thoughts.
Be kind to you. Have a contingency plan. Learn from mistakes. Progress is your aim not perfection. Perfection is not attainable. Reward yourself when you achieve your goals.
Ireland is one of the few countries where we both celebrate and commiserate with alcohol. On a hot day, we might head to a beer garden. When the weather is miserable where better to pass the time than in a cosy pub toasting ourselves by the fire? We overindulge throughout December with parties, nights out and Christmas celebrations. January which is usually a dry month (often because we are financially broke). Lent is an opportunity for us to prove to ourselves that we can remain sober for forty days and forty nights (with a permissible blow-out on St Patrick’s Day!) But what about February? It’s a bit of an enigma.
Alcohol is intertwined in our everyday living, so much so, that when a person doesn’t drink there must be a reason – pregnancy, antibiotics, recovering alcoholic? It may be because he/she simply chooses not to drink.
I have noticed a fairly recent shift in our drinking habits. We now drink more at home before we go out and in general having wine with a meal isn’t really drinking. However, wine is no different to other types of alcohol. To our bodies, alcohol is alcohol.
An unpopular piece of health news is that alcohol is linked with several cancers including mouth, bowel and throat. I often think I do not gain fans sharing this information because we would rather ignore the news that alcohol is a carcinogen.
After a recent talk to a community group someone mentioned that I had introduced the topic of alcohol in an unusual way. I explained that my aim is simply to encourage people to think before they have that extra alcoholic drink (and by making minor changes in our lives we can impact our children’s views of alcohol). We know that cigarettes are bad for us but the notion that alcohol is bad…well, that’s not something we really want to think about. Ignorance is bliss but it is also potentially lethal.
Cutting down the amount we drink, could potentially reduce the risk of alcohol-related cancers. Alcohol is not just connected to cancer – it causes accidents and injuries; leads us to say and do things that we cannot unsay or undo. It causes us to fight, stress, engage in risky sexual behaviours and put ourselves in danger which we would never do when not under the influence. As well as dulling our memory and helping us make dodgy decisions, alcohol is linked with heart and liver-disease, high blood pressure, poor sleep, anxiety, depression (there is a long list).
I am not writing about this because I want to scare, annoy or upset anyone. I am encouraging you to make informed decisions about your alcohol intake. You do not need alcohol to function, to engage with others, to make you interesting or to help you sleep. If you do, perhaps you might re-think your drinking.
Cutting down means you can avoid hangovers, save money, get a great night’s sleep, improve mental and physical health.
How you can cut down your alcohol intake:
Encourage friends/family to support you. Explain that you don’t want to be encouraged to drink (and that there is nothing wrong with not drinking).
Don’t bring alcohol home. If it is not in the house you will be less tempted. This doesn’t mean you have to drink all the alcohol in the house to get rid of it!
Examine your drinking routine so that you can decide on what needs to be changed. When do you drink and where?
Distract yourself. Do something different at the time you usually drink e.g. shower, walk, dance, vacuum, phone someone, read.
Change your scenery. Suggest going to the cinema or for a meal instead of going to the pub.
Set a limit to the number of drinks and stop once your limit is reached. You might consider bringing only enough money for a certain number of drinks if you’re going to the pub.
Finish each drink before ordering/pouring another to help you keep track of how much you are consuming.
Slow down. Drinking is never a race! Alternating with a glass of water helps us slow the pace.
Drink from a smaller glass.
Have a bottle instead of a can, a single instead of a double. Pour one glass of wine then put the bottle away.
Increase your alcohol-free days in the week.
Comparisons
Comparisons Never Work
Stop comparing yourself with others! Do not look longingly and compare yourself to people with a new shiny car; big house; well-manicured lawns; lovely handbag; glowing skin; perfectly groomed hair; beautiful smile; wonderful clothes; well-behaved children; athletic body; successful business etc.
The list of comparisons that we make is literally endless but does comparing ourselves to others make us feel good about ourselves? NO!
When you compare yourself to someone, you tell yourself:
I am not _[something]_ enough.
What do you say to yourself? It might be that you are not wealthy; intelligent; fast; successful; clever; popular; witty; tall; fashionable; confident; small; academic; musical; pretty; sporty; loud; artistic; fun; friendly; popular etc. Is this beneficial or good for your self-confidence? Does this make you feel good about yourself? Another resounding NO!
From when we were small we were compared to others“I’d bet you’re a great singer, your mother has a beautiful voice”; “you’ll be a dinger at the football, all your father’s family were great footballers”. “farming is in our blood, you were born to be a farmer”.
In school, things were no different “you must be good at maths your brother got an A1 in the Honours Leaving Cert paper”; “I can’t understand why you are misbehaving, your sister was a pleasure to teach”.
We are practically conditioned to compare ourselves to others because comparisons are present from day one. Think about it – when a child is born what’s the first question that’s asked?
“What weight is the baby?
“Seven pounds”
“That’s small enough, all mine were over nine pounds”.
Babies’ weights are a source of commentary and comparison and those comparisons continue as your child ages – “Is your child sitting up?” “How many teeth?” “How many words?” “Will he eat all foods?” “Wake at night?” “Hold a pen? Paint? Write? Spell? Play a musical instrument? Enjoy sports? Get on the team? Score goals?” In every facet of our lives comparisons are a feature.
I hear from people who spend hours on social media looking at other peoples’ lives and thinking that those other people have it all – more friends, a wonderful social life, loads of fun, great style, look fantastic etc – again, another endless list of comparisons.
No one posts on line that they are lying in bed, alone and feeling sad or at yet another social event and would rather be at home beside the fire with the feet up and not have to fake smile for yet another photo! Social media virtual lives are not real life lives – they are a portrayal of an idealised life and lifestyle. How many selfies does it take to get the perfect selfie?
So, what is the solution? If you find yourself comparing yourself to virtual people and virtual lives then log off! Removing social media apps from your phone helps. Stop notifications for starters – it helps de-clutter your head and your inbox.
Stop comparing yourself to others because you are you and you are perfect the way you are.
Accept yourself for your weird ways, your strange habits, your funny looks or whatever it may be. Learn to accept yourself just as you are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t get fitter or eat more healthily or learn a new sport or skill – that’s not what I am saying. Accepting yourself for who you are, warts and all, is liberating because it simply means that you learn to like you for you. You are wonderful. You are perfectly imperfect.
Chatting with Children
Don’t go picking blackberries you might get chased by a bull!
Bernie C from Bantry mentioned to me that her aunt (in years of old) would warn her, and whomever else was nearby, that they couldn’t go picking blackberries because they might get chased by a bull. I have no doubt that this advice was given with the very best intentions. I thought it was such a fascinating comment that I’d simply have to write about it! My difficulty was how to weave a piece around the comment as it is applicable to negativity; anxiety; catastrophic or what-if thinking but I decided to write about parenting and chatting with children.
By the way, I am not saying bulls are not dangerous – I know they are lethal. What is so interesting is that the instruction means no blackberries can ever be picked because of the possibility that a bull might chase, maul, maim and presumably kill any blackberry-pickers.
We regularly warn children, and others whom we love, about dangers, threats or eventualities that may or may not happen. Parents have a particularly difficult task in that their objective is to raise well-adjusted, confident, kind, independent, self-sufficient adults whilst simultaneously instilling a sense of responsibility and consequences for actions. It is certainly not easy to find the right balance between warning of danger and instilling fear or doom. We hope our children become conscious that if they play with fire someone or something may get burned or, at the very least, singed!
Life often gets in the way of being a less than text-book-perfect-parent. We can be preoccupied with what’s going on at work or for our friends or by our finances or simply distracted by life. We may not be present for our children even when we are physically with them. We may make statements or give orders like “don’t go in there”, “be careful”, “stop doing that”, “watch where you’re going” etc. without ever explaining WHY.
With all our warnings and advices, particularly to teenagers, parents may not realise that risk-taking activities decrease with age not because we have been chanting the same warnings for years but because of changes that take place in the brain – changes which improve a person’s capacity for self-regulation as they mature.
In other words, risky and reckless behaviour decreases when the relevant brain area develops and that doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. Yes – you’ve read correctly – the rational part of our brains develop in our mid-twenties. This is often why our children may simply be unable to explain what they were thinking when they do something off the wall. They are literally unable to answer parents’ “why” or “what did you do that for” questions!
Words of warning are never wasted but the content and manner of your dialogue and how you pass on information is relevant. Rather than warning about potential bulls in every field where blackberries are growing, it might be an idea to be positive and encouraging. Picking blackberries is a wonderful idea, blackberries are very healthy and good for our bodies. An alternate instruction would be to explain how to ensure there are no bulls in a field before entering. Does your child know what a bull looks like or what a bull is? Explain how bulls are dangerous, etc.
Explain everything to children and do not ever assume they know something because you may have mentioned it in the past. “Because I said so” is not a valid instruction!
Here are some pointers to help improve dialogue with your child:
Teach your child about feelings and the various words for feelings. We usually teach fairly standard words like tired, happy, sad, angry, excited. It is also good to teach about other feelings such as content, anxious, loved, calm, shy, scared, worried, jealous, proud.
Encourage your children to express themselves about how they are feeling and also chat about how you feel. They are entitled to have their own opinions and views. They are independent of you.
Apologise to your children when you have made a mistake. You are teaching them a great lesson when you apologise – your children learn that parents make mistakes, that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is part of being human.
Try not to nag. Do not harp on about the same stuff all the time – think about it – would you listen to someone who is repeating a message and in a negative way? I think you’d probably switch off as soon as the subject came up.
Do not bark orders at your children or at anyone else! I suggest going to the room where your children are rather than calling them (or shouting) from the kitchen into the sitting room for example.
Give your children enough time to finish what they’re doing – dinner will be ready soon, please be at the table in five minutes. Be clear in your instructions e.g. I am leaving in half an hour.
Always listen when your child is telling you something, pay attention and acknowledge what it means for your child. Listening is powerful. You are not interrupting when you are listening. You are paying attention. You are giving your acknowledgement that you are there for your child and what your child has to say is important to you.
Always keep your cool or you will end up saying something you cannot take back.
Encourage decision making – will you wear your red shoes or your black shoes today? Which book will we read at bedtime? Do you want a shower or a bath? You forgot your pencil in school, what will you do to get another pencil? This helps your child become solution-focused and able to make their own decisions.
Do activities with your children as often as you can – lead by example. Let’s all tidy the toys together and we will have a tidy room very soon.
To improve dialogue with your own children, seek advice from other parents. Parenting is a role that is often perfected when it’s too late (i.e. when your children have left home). Grandparents have a wealth of wisdom, they may not have been perfect parents to you but they know where they went wrong and also what works!
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Why go for therapy?
Why go for therapy?
Because we want to face the future with a more positive outlook or try to get a handle on what is bothering us or perhaps our flaws and failings have been pointed out to us by family members and we want to make progress or changes in our lives.
Counselling and psychotherapy are of benefit for anyone who wants support at a time of crisis, or if someone is feeling unhappy and hopes for change or for reasons of personal development or to gain insight.
Discussing a worry or an issue with a friend or family member is remarkably beneficial and I always encourage people to talk and keep talking! If we keep a worry locked within our minds, that worry can grow and continue to grow and may eventually become overwhelming. We all have worries, anxieties, fears and doubts.
Life is not fair and some people experience more than their fair share of upset and trauma. Talking is beneficial but there are several reasons why we may not want to discuss our fears or difficulties with someone we know.
Why We Do Not Talk About Our Problems
We might feel embarrassed or that our worry is silly. We may never share any personal information or talk about ourselves so disclosure may be alien to us. We might feel that we are overburdening others or talking about the same thing time after time. Perhaps we are the ‘go-to person’ the one who provides support to everyone else when they are in need of a listening ear and we do not want to appear compromised. We might not have someone with whom we can speak openly because not everyone has friends or family and indeed not everyone talks openly. There are several reasons why we keep our problems and worries to ourselves.
Confidentiality can be a deterrent to speaking openly. How many times have we all heard “I’m sworn to secrecy and I shouldn’t tell anyone but….” Or “Guess what I’ve just heard….” Or “I don’t like talking about people but…” We know that when we confide in someone we are never guaranteed they will keep the content of that conversation to themselves.
Talking Therapies Help
If you have something on your mind, talking to a professionally trained and competent counsellor/psychotherapist can help especially when you know that what you say in therapy is private and you will not be judged. If you had something physically bothering you, you would talk to the relevant expert e.g. optician, chiropodist, physiotherapist etc. I understand that making the decision to go for counselling/psychotherapy can be difficult. In fact, deciding to go for therapy often means that you have taken the first step on the road to resolving your current difficulty. Talking therapy provides you with an opportunity to speak with a trained professional, who can provide support, a fresh outlook and new perspective.
We can become slaves to our thoughts and fears. What might start as a little niggling self-doubt may grow until we are no longer comfortable in social situations and we question what others think of what we say or of how we look. We may think we are under/over-weight but in reality we look perfect the way we are. By the way, I am not a nutritionist but I do know that it is better to be overweight and fit rather than thin and unfit.
Sometimes in life we take up mind-reading as a hobby and in my experience, mind-reading is not positive because rarely do we think other people view us as attractive and intelligent and interesting etc.!
The decision to attend therapy can be tough and it may take some time to make. Bear in mind that counsellors and psychotherapists are professionally trained to listen with empathy. We help you deal with negative thoughts or feelings, to resolve difficulties or recover following trauma. You might be trying to come to terms with some news, a bereavement, a health diagnosis or you might be feeling a bit ‘stuck’ and uncertain of what is next for you in life. Perhaps you want to learn more about what makes you tick or become more confident and self-assured. Whatever the reason, it is important to know that in therapy you will not be judged.
People often say to me that their problem “is silly” or “it’s only a little thing” but if something is bothering you it is certainly not silly. In therapy, you are helped to find your own solutions and ways to come to terms with an issue.
What Issues Do People Bring To Therapy?
In short EVERYTHING. Difficulties that come up in therapy include anxiety, parenting, anger, relationships, sexuality, employment, bullying, abortion, abuse, communication, adolescent experiences, self-esteem, depression, loneliness, addiction, worry, bereavement, fertility, phobias etc. however, even this list is not exhaustive. We are each unique and our lives differ – what bothers me may not worry the next person and that’s true for each of us.
What Should I Expect If I Go For Therapy?
Therapy provides a private and confidential environment for you to talk about and examine your feelings and thoughts. Therapy moves at your pace. I do not try to make people cry or ask you to lie down on a couch – these are common misconceptions about psychotherapy. People do cry in therapy because they feel comfortable enough to cry or because they are recounting emotional events. I do not force anyone to discuss anything they do not want to discuss.
In therapy, you sit on a chair in a room with me and we talk. I ask some questions and you ask questions too. Therapy is a great place to test how to say something or practice being assertive for example. A therapy hour is usually 50 minutes but I always say to allow one hour.
I provide support, respect opinions and help you understanding what is going on for you – I help you get perspective and insight and together we try to identify ways for you to reach goals and solutions. Over a number of sessions, or perhaps after only one or two, you recognise what you want to achieve.
Will A Counsellor or Psychotherapist Give Me Advice?
No. I do not offer advice such as “I’d leave that relationship if I were you” because the purpose of therapy is to help you to make your own decisions and come to your own conclusions. Therapists may offer pointers such as “have you thought of X or Y?” Such suggestions are drawn from training and from experience of what has helped others.
Does Therapy Work For Everybody?
Therapy will not work for everyone but it offers some help to the majority, therefore it is at least worth a try. Therapy provides a fresh perspective and new coping skills. You may not ‘click’ with the very first therapist you meet but when you find a therapist that you are comfortable with it is a wonderful support to have. An ally, someone that you can bounce your ideas off and where you can say what you want and be heard without judgement.
As Mark Twain wrote, “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain”.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Mind your body
Mind Your Body to Mind Your Mind
Whether we call it ‘emotional wellbeing’ or ‘mental health’ a simple description is ‘feeling good about ourselves and others and coping well with life’.
Our overall health involves our mind AND our body and both are interconnected. For example, if we are anxious about something (mind), we might get an upset tummy (body) and if we are not physically well (body) it can be difficult to remain positive (mind).
Our physical and mental health impact on each other, therefore, to improve our mental health we start by caring for our body. Think of it as an investment. Every time you care for your body you are investing in your future self – you can’t do everything all at once so set little goals like increasing your exercise or cutting down on biscuits – each little goal adds up to healthy life-time changes.
Diet
Rather than seeing food as ‘bad’ or ‘off limits’, cultivate a healthier relationship with food – see it is as a lifestyle change rather than a quick-fix diet. Introduce small variations over time such as having fresh, brightly-coloured food at mealtimes. Slowly replace processed foods that have high sugar/salt content with freshly-prepared foods. Limit alcohol intake as the feel-good factor is short lived and studies show alcohol causes cancer.
Sleep
Sufficient sleep keeps us feeling positive and healthy. Keep bedrooms tidy and tranquil and stick to a regular sleep and wake schedule. Reducing caffeine and alcohol intake improves sleep quality. Keep worries and anxiety out of your bed – your bed is for adult fun and slumber only. For tips see: https://carolinecrotty.ie/sleep/
Exercise
Whether you buy a skipping rope or join a gym – keep moving! As with diet, small changes make big differences over time. Take the stairs instead of the escalator; park the car at the furthest point from the shop front door; if you take the bus, walk to the next stop or get off at an earlier stop. Exercise relieves stress and makes us feel good. If limited mobility, ask your health care provider for guidance.
Relaxation
We need a certain amount of stress to keep us functioning but we also need to learn how to relax. Calm breathing, yoga or meditation are mentally active processes that leave the body calm. Sit with closed eyes and visualise a place that makes you feel peaceful. Simply taking time to notice and appreciate what is around us can benefit our wellbeing. Read a book, listen to music, take a walk, stargaze, sing out loud, kick leaves or take a bubbly bath. Do something you enjoy (‘me time’).
Calm Breathing
Calm breathing is a relaxation technique that can be practiced when calm and used when stressed. Sit comfortably or lie down with one hand on your chest and the other on your tummy, breathe in slowly through your nose and exhale through your mouth. As you inhale, the hand on your tummy will rise as your lungs fill, the hand on your chest remains quite still. As you exhale slowly through your mouth, your tummy will fall inwards while the hand on your chest remains still. When breathing, think of calming words – ‘relax’, ‘calm’, ‘slow’ or ‘peaceful’. Concentrate on each
Anxiety Is Normal
Anxiety is Normal
We tend to have a rather negative view of ‘anxiety’ however, anxiety is normal. If we were about to sit an exam or take a driver’s test it would be natural to feel anxious. Anxiety can be beneficial as it helps to keep us motivated, alert and focused.
Anxiety is in fact our bodies’ way of preparing us to cope with a perceived threat – our bodies’ inbuilt alarm system. When we experience anxiety our bodies’ natural freeze, flight or flightresponse is activated.
Imagine waking in the middle of the night because you thought you heard an intruder in your home – my guess is that you would be pretty anxious. Take a few seconds to try to imagine the sensations you would experience in your body. Our bodies and minds react together so there are physical sensations to anxiety.
When we perceive a danger (intruder), our bodies release stress hormones causing physical reactions such as our hearts beating faster; we start sweating, feel dizzy or fuzzy-headed, our muscles tense and our breathing quickens. Our body is preparing to run away (flight); defend itself (fight) or we might be glued to the spot, staying perfectly still, hiding under the duvet until the intruder is gone rather like a deer caught in the headlights (freeze). While all this is going on for our bodies, our brains continually process the situation and evaluate the threat.
Say “the intruder” turns out to be a family member rummaging in the kitchen for a midnight snack, then the freeze/fight/flight response is called-off by our brains, however, we may still feel very shaky, with sweaty palms and a racing heart even though we know we are not in mortal danger.
We may feel anxious when there is no intruder in our home and there is no actual physical threat. Feelings of anxiety can be mild (uneasiness) or severe (panic). As well as affecting our bodies, anxiety affects how we think, feel and act.
Anxiety can interfere with everyday living because anxious thoughts increase the feelings of anxiety and the symptoms of anxiety and a cycle of anxiety can be created. People may begin to avoid certain social situations in an attempt to avoid feeling anxious. However, these situations are most likely not life-threatening and are probably regular events like going to the shops, using buses, talking to people, attending parties etc. Anxiety can prevent people from doing things or attending events which they previously enjoyed. Feeling like you are under constant attack or that you need to run away is exhausting and draining. Anxiety can cause us to have a sick feeling, and need to run to the bathroom or perhaps we are put off our food because we feel nauseous.
Learning about anxiety is beneficial to gaining control over our anxiety. Anxiety is particular for each person and the ways in which it can be alleviated vary from person to person. What works for me (music and singing) may not work for you but you will learn how to regain control in time. Self-soothing is something that we can all develop to help combat anxiety.
Exercise works wonders for anxiety because exercise helps remove stress hormones while releasing feel-good hormones. Exercise also helps improve our sleep.
Relaxation is not just watching television. Learning a new relaxation skill such as progressive muscle relaxation is a beneficial strategy which helps people become aware of feeling relaxed by tensing then relaxing muscle groups throughout the body.
Breathing exercises take a while to perfect but are remarkably worthwhile. When we are anxious, our breathing becomes shallow and fast. We may even hyperventilate. Practicing calm breathing (where you inhale slowly through the nose, pause and exhale slowly through the mouth) is an excellent tool for anxiety reduction and can be used anytime anywhere – more information available on www.carolinecrotty.ie/calm-breathing/
Practicing visualisation helps with relaxation such as “you are on a warm, sunny beach, lying on the sand, feeling the sun on your skin…” Try to think of a place either real or imaginary where you like to be. Spend time thinking about how lovely it is to be there in that nice place.
Consciously taking time, every day, to look at the sky and clouds and daydream can be of benefit.
If you have feelings of anxiety that are affecting your daily living please talk to a trusted friend, family member or a healthcare professional. Remember the old adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. Anxiety is normal but sharing your thoughts and worries can reduce their scariness and help you gain perspective.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
How to enjoy Christmas
How to enjoy Christmas
We are now in December which means that Christmas is almost upon us. Every year there are articles with hints and tips on how to enjoy Christmas or survive the holiday period! What is marketed as a joyful time for many, Christmas is lonely, sad and stressful.
As one year ends, we may hold in our minds memories of those who have died or are absent from our lives. We may regret not having children for Santa to visit or lament the enormous demands being placed on Santa by our children.
Watching people shop may remind us that we do not have family or money! We may be hoping that this year will end as fast as possible so that we can start a fresh new hopeful year. We might be bursting for Christmas to arrive quickly so that we can have time off work, have fun and celebrate with family and friends.
In short, people have very mixed emotions around this time of year.
Not many people know that I can predict the future. This Christmas and New Year are going to be enjoyable. This is going to be a stress-free, fun-filled holiday time. How do I know this? Because you are going to decide that you will enjoy Christmas, no matter what, and this year you are going to think only positive thoughts! You are going to reassure yourself that pressure is only for tyres!
To reduce stress levels at Christmas or at any time, it is helpful to plan ahead. Take control of your worries by asking yourself the following questions:
What can I do about this right now?
What advice would my best friend give me about this?
What exactly am I worried about?
Will this matter next year?
Decide well in advance what to cook for Christmas dinner; delegate tasks; prepare as much of the meal as possible in advance. It is after all, simply a dinner, a fancier dinner and usually with more people but it’s just a dinner after all. Make lists of people for whom you will purchase gifts or send Christmas cards. Planning reduces worry and increases feelings of control.
It might sound daft because of the time of year and the fact that we live in Ireland but make a conscious effort to drink less alcohol. Rather than lowering anxiety and stress levels, alcohol can increase them. Alcohol interferes with our thinking, emotions, feelings, health and sleep. It also causes us to say and do things that we would never dream of doing sober and with life, there is no erase button! This Christmas stay in control by drinking little or no alcohol.
Make time for you to do some deep breathing exercises – slowing your breathing helps you feel relaxed. Take a bath or time-out to gather your thoughts and to unwind. Look at the sky or count the branches on a tree or sing or dance in the kitchen – all of which will engage your mind in an activity other than worry.
Spend within budget if possible because having to pay off debt causes stress. Do not compare the gifts you purchase with others’ gifts. Christmas is not a competition to see who spends or buys the most. Comparisons do not make us feel positive. Some people find it very helpful to only bring cash when shopping so there is no possibility of running up further credit card debt.
Set aside differences. Speak to someone with whom you have lost contact. Reach out and rekindle old friendships. Apologise to family members or friends if there has been a falling out (whether or not it is your fault, take responsibility!) If your apology is not accepted, you can rest assured that you have done the kind thing by extending the olive branch. Make amends while you have the opportunity.
Mind your body by eating healthily; sleeping well; getting rest, fresh air and exercise. Exercise is vital for releasing feel-good hormones and it is a great reason to take a break – away from the house – to gather your thoughts. Drink plenty of water to remain hydrated.
Laugh and smile because it may encourage those around you to be more pleasant and it will make you feel more positive. If you are struggling, reassure yourself that Christmas will soon be over and normality will return. Make a huge effort to avoid any quarrels or arguments because nothing was ever resolved during a fight.
Learn to say no. When someone asks you to do to something for them, simply say you will have a think and get back with a decision – this allows you time to decide whether you have the time to help, rather than rushing in to say ‘yes’ straight away.
Be kind at every opportunity to adults and especially to children because you never know what is going on in another’s life. Give the gift of listening and hearing what someone has to say. Be gentle. Play and have fun. Speak encouragingly to yourself.
You are creating memories for you and those around you so enjoy yourself.
Ask for help. Pride often gets in the way of asking for help when we need it. Contact an agency or a healthcare professional if you do not want to share your problems with family or friends. Asking for help with a difficulty is a sign of strength. We can do more together than we can do alone.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Worry & Stress
Worry and Stress
Everyone gets worried from time to time but if your thinking keeps spiralling out of control and into chronic worrying it may be time to seek help. Worry and stress can have different symptoms that affect both our bodies and our minds.
Do you find that you:
Jump to negative conclusions.
Spend time worrying or feel distracted at work or at home.
Try to predict the future but the outcome is never good. For example someone at work mentions that the boss wants to see you and you immediately think “I’m in big trouble” or “I’m going to be fired”.
Think the worst? For example a family member is late home and you think he/she might be involved in a car crash.
Have a mind like a washing machine on spin-cycle with oodles of different thoughts, worries and ideas and you just can’t get them to stop.
Have a feeling of dread or unease and you don’t know why.
Have difficulty falling asleep at night or, once asleep, you wake in the middle of the night and spend hours trying to get back to sleep.
Feel tension in your shoulders, or get headaches or regularly get an upset tummy.
Cry or become annoyed very easily.
Have a ‘tight’ feeling in your chest.
Just not feel like yourself.
Solution
Therapy helps you to recognise your unique individual signs and symptoms of worry and stress and it teaches you how to regain control and stop yourself from worrying about things over which you have no control.
What Caroline Crotty can do for you
I can help you to understand what is happening for you physically and emotionally and help you to learn how to cope and to relax. By learning how to regain control your mind and thoughts, you learn how to manage the worry and stress and ultimately control what is going on in your mind – so that if you have a negative thought you can quickly stop it and change it to a more logical and rational thought. After therapy you will sleep better, feel more positive and confident because you will be in control.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Panic Attacks
A panic attack can happen at any time, anywhere. Sometimes even thinking about having a panic attack, for some people, can cause feelings of panic. If you are afraid that a panic attack might happen while you are out shopping or waiting in a queue at the checkout, that fear can lead to a panic attack and so becomes a cycle of panic – panic about panic.
Panic attacks come and go within about twenty minutes or so and usually do not last more than an hour.
It may be that you might feel or think you are having a heart-attack or a stroke because the symptoms of a panic attack can be so severe. Many people attend A&E departments positive they are dying only to be sent home again with a clean bill of health.
The solution
When you are sure that your symptoms are not for a reason other than panic/anxiety/fear then education is central. When you fully understand what is happening to your body and mind you can learn to control your panic and anxiety.
Learning about controlled or calm breathing can help relieve symptoms of panic and also help you remain calm whenever you feel anxious. Relaxation techniques alleviate stress, anxiety and panic while helping you learn about your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
What Caroline Crotty can do for you
I can explain what is going on in your mind and your body and tell you what has worked to help other people gain control over their panic and anxieties. I can give you relaxation exercises and help you to manage your anxiety so that it no longer controls you.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Sleep Tips
How to get a better night’s sleep!
Years ago, when I woke in the middle of the night, sleep would simply elude me and I would start to anticipate how exhausted I was going to be the following day! I’d even calculate the remaining hours I had in bed. That’s not very relaxing!
Now, instead of getting anxious about being awake in the middle of the night, I reassure myself that I will not stay awake forever, that eventually I will sleep and my body and mind know exactly what they are doing!
Over the years I have learned a few techniques which help with falling asleep and returning to sleep once woken. What works for me nowadays is busying my brain with maths problems whilst paying attention to my breathing. My mind gets tired, and I sleep. Sounds too simple? It works for me but it took a while before I reached the sweet spot where my brain associated sleep with adding numbers together!
If you are not keen on counting or adding numbers like 2, 4, 8, 16, 32,64, 128, 256 etc perhaps try listing every car or colour or boy’s name that you know starting with the letter A and work your way through the alphabet. For example, Audi, Bentley, Cadillac / Apple, Banana, Cherry / Adam, Brian, Charlie, etc. Make a mistake and start from the beginning – the idea is that your mind is engaged because you’ve given it a task to do instead of worrying and your brain slows down and you fall sleep. It won’t happen the first night but be persistent and eventually it should work because your mind will associate listing with sleeping. That’s the goal here – that you create an association with sleep and your bed.
One of the first things to put into practice when trying to improve sleep is set and stick to a bedtime routine. Go to bed and get up at a set time and stick to those times – even on weekends or days off only allow yourself a one hour lie-in. This might not be possible if you’re working shifts or have small children or health problems. Try to keep to a routine and do the same things every night so you are sending signals to your body and mind that you are preparing for going to bed to sleep.
Have a wind-down time, put on your pyjamas, brush your teeth, read a book but avoid your mobile, computer and all forms of hand-held screens before sleep time (I’ll explain why hereunder). Having a shower before bedtime can also help with sleep as our core body temperature drops when we sleep and also after having a shower so it can be a good sleep aid.
Avoid caffeine – Not only is it found in coffee and tea, but also in cola, chocolate and energy drinks. I love my morning coffee and if you do too, simply have a coffee but avoid caffeine from lunchtime onwards. Even if you are able to fall asleep easily at night, caffeine affects the quality of your sleep. In fact, going without caffeine for just one day can improve your sleep quality.
Alcohol – It may seem like we get a great night’s sleep if we have been drinking alcohol but in reality the quality of our sleep is impaired. We fall straight into a deeper sleep if we have had alcohol but we miss out on a sleep phase. Never drink alcohol to unwind, relax or to help you sleep because alcohol disrupts dreams, diminishes sleep quality and is linked to anxiety and depression.
Bedroom – Is your bedroom conducive to a good night’s sleep? Is it a nice, relaxed area? Try to keep bedroom temperatures cool – neither too warm nor too cold. I promote de-cluttering because a tidy bedroom feels good to spend time in.
Lighting – At night, bedrooms should be free from technology and bright lights. This is important for sleep because light affects the production of melatonin, a hormone that helps you get a great night’s sleep. In fact, melatonin will not be produced (by the pineal gland) unless there is only dim or no light. If you watch television in bed, your brain will associate bed with the stimulus of tv and with being awake and not with sleep therefore watching television in bed is a habit worth breaking.
Be Kind to You – Your bed is for adult fun and for sleeping, it is not a place for worry or stress. If you are unable to fall asleep do not panic and stop worrying about not sleeping – there is no need to increase anxiety levels. Talk to yourself calmly, reassure yourself that your body will take care of sleep when it needs to. You will not stay awake for ever. Do not start counting the hours until you have to get up (e.g. “If I sleep now I’ll only get four hours sleep and I’ll be wrecked tomorrow!). Soothe yourself with the idea (which is true by the way) that you will sleep when your body needs it and you will catch up on missed sleep tomorrow night.
Learn relaxation skills- Calm breathing is a useful sleeping aid. Journaling can also be a great way to relax especially keeping a daily gratitude journal wherein you write three positive things for which you are grateful – these do not have to be earth-shattering and can be as simple as ‘I took time to enjoy the drive home from work today’ or ‘I had a lovely dinner this evening’. Learn to be grateful for the little things in your day.
Naps – The jury is out on naps! Some experts say avoid naps at all costs and others say absolutely yes, naps are awesome. If you have small children and they keep you awake at night then you need to sleep when you get the opportunity because your night time sleep is constantly being disrupted. If you really want to nap then do not do so for too long (say no longer than half an hour) and not after 3.00pm because napping during the day can interfere with night time sleep but sleep is a very individual thing. Some need more, some need less and it is very much about the quality of the sleep that we get that’s important.
Alarm If your alarm is sounding every morning but you feel like you have only just got into bed, then you may need more sleep. Instead of setting the alarm to go off even earlier to allow you time to adjust to getting up, simply go to bed earlier every night until you wake with a rediscovered zest for life. The perfect scenario is when you wake without an alarm and if that happens jump out of bed and face the day with excitement.
Plan Exercise is great for sleep but not too late in the day. The same can be said for eating late – give your body time to digest your food before heading to bed, however, do not go to bed hungry as that can also disturb sleep. Eat a snack if you are peckish before bedtime. In my experience it is best to avoid phone calls at night time especially if they cause stress. Get out of the house/office/car and get some daylight, every day, because sun, even through the clouds, helps both our mood and sleep – show yourself to the sky every day!
Write Keep a pen and writing pad beside your bed – if you wake in the middle of the night because of a worry or because you need to remember something write it down and deal with it the following morning. Keep a note of the worries that are preventing you from falling asleep and over the following days make a plan to tackle each worry individually if they are within your control. You are then changing the problem or worry list into a ‘to-do list’. Ask yourself what you can do to change your situation. Seek the advice of others.
Keeping notes in your mobile is not the same as writing in a notebook/writing pad because accessing your mobile in bed may encourage you to stay awake reading on line or looking at social media. Don’t forget – we are attempting to keep bedrooms free of screens! We all know that sleep is vital and some need more than others. Sleep helps our immune system, regulates our mood and restores our bodies and brains.
“Great sleep is the new great sex” according to Dr Wendy Troxel who studied sleep for years fron a social context. Good sleep can help regulate emotions and moods and according to Dr Troxel is a critical part of relational resilience and there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways when it comes to couples’ sleeping arrangements – a no one size fits all approach.
The results of poor sleep include increased blood pressure, higher stress, weight increase as it effects our BMI, impaired memory and slower cognitive functioning; general forgetfulness; reduced ability to get on with our day to day lives – in other words “Sleep Is Key”. We know what children can be like when they do not have enough sleep and we as adults are not much different. We might be irritable,, drowsy, and generally off-form.
The above are some tips to get your sleep in order however it may be an idea if you have difficulty sleeping for a prolonged period of time to speak with your doctor or medical adviser. You deserve to enjoy restful sleep.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Parenting Tips
Parenting Tips
When we buy a drinking beaker or an alarm clock we get an instruction manual in about twenty languages. There’s no such luck with children and we muddle along as best we can, learning as we go – usually from our mistakes. We don’t have the option to turn to page 87 of our parenting manual when our toddler is lying on the supermarket floor screaming as though she were being beaten because she wants a packet of chocolate buttons! Or turn to page 112 if our teenager won’t stop arguing/remains silent at the dinner table. Here are some helpful parenting tips that you may find useful – in fact they’re simply little reminders to help you be the best parent that you can be.
NOTE: There is no such thing as a perfect parent
Accept Your Child
Accept your child for who she is – completely. Accept her strengths and her limitations. Do not poke fun or tell stories about your child because it is belittling. Find an opportunity every day to genuinely praise your child. Praise accomplishments and efforts. Praise the soft skills of listening, sharing, caring rather than academic achievements. We all thrive on praise. Never compare your child with another either inside or outside your family. Your child is unique and that is to be acknowledged and celebrated. If your child is academic that is wonderful. If your child is not academic that is wonderful.
Talk and Listen
Talk with your child not at your child. Listen and hear what your child has to say. Enjoy the time you have with your child and bite your tongue when they tell you something! Remember that how you react will determine what happens next. Resist the urge to interrupt. Keep lines of communication open regardless of your child’s age. Chatting at every stage is the key to good communication – not interrogation, just chatting!
Be Active Together
Try to be active together whenever possible. Play and activity are key fundamentals for healthy living. Exercise and activity are investing in your child’s future health. Spending time with your children will help them feel secure and playing demonstrates that you can be fun and also that you enjoy spending time with them. Walking outdoors is an opportunity to chat about what is going on for your child while you admire nature particulaly with older children.
Respect
Treat your child as you would like to be treated. Respect her opinion and treat her with kindness. Listen to what your child wants to tell you – your child has opinions that will differ from yours which are worthy of your respect. When correcting your child, speak in lowered tones (never shout) – you will be heard and you will also be listened to. There is never any need to smack or slap a child. Would you be happy if someone else slapped or shouted at your child? When you have made a mistake apologise to your child and take full responsibility.
Eat together
Use mealtimes as an opportunity to connect as a family (even a family of two), sit together and ideally cook together. Turn off the tv, ban mobile phones, tablets etc from the meal table and start chatting about the day’s events. Ask open questions such as “what was the best (or worst) thing about the day” or “who would you like to sit beside in school and why?”
Your Child Is Watching
Children are constantly watching and learning from what they see. What you do and say will be repeated by them. Do you want your child to smoke or drink alcohol? To swear? To be respectful of others? To be kind to animals? To be judgemental? You are your child’s role model.
Be Involved
Depending on age, know where your child is, doing what and with whom. At home, ensure access to social media is age appropriate. Know what she is looking at on line and who she is in contact with. Readjust priorities so that you are present for your child as much as possible both physically and mentally. Get to know your children’s friends because they become their peers, the people with whom they spend their free time and turn to for advice as they get older. Spend time with your children individually every day.
Establish Rules in Advance
Always explain rules in advance. Be clear with your expectations for your child’s behaviour. If age-appropriate involve your child in the rule-making and proposed consequences – this demonstrates your child’s viewpoint is appreciated and expectations around behaviour are fully understood. Setting boundaries and consequences teach a child about their actions but should never make a child feel bad or worthless. Consequences explain what your child should and should not do and why – thus creating a basis for what is expected of them as they grow into self-reliant, competent and kind adults.
Parenting
Praise your partner for what he/she is doing well with your child. Discuss areas that need attention and work together as a team. If you are parenting alone, seek support from others because it is important to offload and get advice from people who have done this and learned the hard way like me – from doing everything wrong!
Be Loving
Love your child. Tell your child that you love her. Your message to your child is always “I love you“. You are your child’s greatest ally. Children’s behaviour from time to time may not be what we expect and your message then is “I love you no matter what but your behaviour is unacceptable“. Hug your children (in public choose your timing as you do not want to embarrass them). Hug them when they wake, when they’re leaving the house, when they return, go to bed etc. Hug them whenever you can because hugs are healing and convey the message that your child is loved by you even if they have misbehaved.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Loneliness
Do you often feel sad and alone? Does it seem that everyone else has lots going on in their lives and you don’t?
We feel lonely and isolated when we:
Move to a new area and don’t know many/any people
Separate from a partner (or our relationship breaks down)
Feel intimidated at school or at work
Think that everyone else has several friends and you don’t
Lose or change jobs
Experience bereavement
Lose contact with friends
Feel that life is dull or boring
Compare ourselves to others and don’t feel good/fun/interesting enough.
Leave home to start college or university
Get transferred to a new work location
Think no one understands
Feel left behind by life / friends / family
Loneliness is very common. If you are looking at people’s lives on social media and comparing your life to others’ try to bear in mind that no one posts photos of themselves alone feeling sad or low. Online virtual lives are portrayed as happy, smiley, fun, friendly, popular and not necessarily real. Loneliness has nothing to do with the number of friends that you have or your social life.
Solutions
Be patient. Remind yourself that loneliness, although unpleasant, is perfectly natural. Everyone experiences loneliness at various stages throughout life.
Do something that you enjoy doing. Joining classes can be a great way to meet new people in your locality.
Get involved. Humans thrive on connection. Online connections are wonderful but in-person connecting is even better. Take up a new hobby.
Volunteer – in a charity shop, homeless shelter, animal rescue etc.
Mind your body – diet, sleep, exercise, relaxation and sunlight help us feel good.
Take your time developing new friendships. You may be super keen to form bonds but take it slowly.
Learn to relax. Switch off your worry by learning relaxation techniques.
It’s important to find the cause of your feelings of loneliness. If there is no specific reason it may be an idea to speak to your GP.
How can therapy help?
I can help you to be more content and comfortable and to stop judging yourself. Being alone will no longer mean that you feel lonely. I will try to help you boost your self-esteem so that you become more confident, happy and outgoing and learn to be your own best friend.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Exam Stress
How to manage exam stress
Are you putting your child under pressure at exam time? Is that pressure helpful, necessary or beneficial? Perhaps this article might benefit you as a parent or as a student – to help you manage exam stress.
I regularly receive enquiries wondering how to manage stress and anxiety particularly around exam time from students and from parents. As simple as it sounds, I suggest concentrating on the basics of diet, sleep, exercise and relaxation and I now also add nature and sunlight to that list.
To concentrate effectively, to understand, memorise or absorb information we need sufficient rest, food, fresh-air, fluids and we also need movement rather than sitting at a desk for hours which can easily happen when we are studying.
We need to remain relaxed so that we can think clearly while we study and also when we are in the exam hall. A little stress is okay. In fact, we need some anxiety to help us stay focused but we need to feel that we are in control and not as though the stress is controlling us. Learning a relaxation technique, well in advance of exams, is beneficial so we can call upon that skill while in the exam hall. Relaxation techniques include calm breathing, breathing meditation or progressive muscle relaxation.
You and no one else must revise and take in the information necessary for your exams. What I mean is that your parents, despite talking about your exams, cannot study on your behalf. You and only you must do it and you can. Last minute dot com studying was a favourite of mine when I was in school a lifetime ago but it is not a good way to revise. A far more sensible approach is to draw up a schedule for your study – your plan of action. Set attainable daily or weekly goals and achieve them. Periodically review, revise and edit your study schedule/plan as you deem necessary.
Start studying today – do not delay!
Accept your reality. Do not set yourself an unattainable goal for your results. For example, do not say you are going to do medicine if you have never completed any course-work or attended particular classes. The same is true in college – do not say that you must get a 1.1 hons degree if you do not hand up your assignments on time or at all. Please be realistic with your expectations – you must be fair to you.
Sleep is central to our wellbeing and is often an indicator we are bothered or that something is upsetting us when we have difficulty falling asleep or are unable to stay asleep for prolonged periods of time. Please tell someone if your sleep is being affected – a parent, friend, relative or a professional because help is at hand. Sleep can be improved upon through various techniques. There is no getting away from it, you need sufficient, good quality, uninterrupted sleep in order to study effectively.
Avoid alcohol to help you relax and avoid drugs that promise to help you stay alert. If you are tired, go to bed early. Avoid caffeine as it can interfere with the quality of your sleep – that includes cola, energy drinks and coffee. If you cannot live without a daily fix of caffeine, have it in the morning and certainly no later than lunch time.
While you are studying, go for a quick walk to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. Studies show that a walk (or any movement) can increase brain activity – exactly what you need when you are trying to absorb information and when you return to your study desk you are doing so with a fresh perspective. Physical movement is beneficial to your health rather than sitting in the same spot for hours on end.
Exercise has so many benefits but I often hear from students that they do not have time to do sports while they are studying. This is counter-intuitive. Walk the dog, go for a swim, run around the block – exercise is beneficial because when your heart is pounding you release feel-good hormones. Exercise helps reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety, improves the quality of your sleep, helps you feel in control and, as well as being good for you, it is an investment in your future health. Exercise helps you think more clearly and to switch off from study stress.
Make time for hobbies, friends and family. It is important to offload and to talk to others who understand how tough it is to study. It is nice to have someone tell you that all your hard work and effort will be worthwhile, that the exams will soon be over and that none of this will matter in ten years’ time! Spend time doing things that you enjoy especially at the weekends when it is good to schedule hobby/downtime because there is more to life than exams.
When you are studying, leave your mobile in another room – I can hear the gasps at this suggestion! You would not believe how much time you waste and how distracting it is to have the odd peek at social media sites or to post a comment about how you are feeling or how boring studying is! Allow yourself a mobile phone break every hour or so or allow yourself to check SnapChat as a treat following studying say two topics or achieving two study goals for example. When you leave your mobile in another room you have to walk to get it so you are moving, taking a mini break from study and checking in with friends all in one go. If you wish or need to, you can download an app to help block social media sites for a specific length of time while you study. It may be worth checking out Self Control* or similar apps.
It is very tempting to have your meals at the table where you study but please join your family for meals or at least eat in a room other than where you study. Food is the fuel that keeps you going so it is necessary to eat something every 2.5 hours. I do not mean eating sweets – sugar is not beneficial and only provides a short-lived rush. Eat fruits, vegetables, berries, nuts, yogurts, chew on carrots or raw celery sticks but eat and keep hydrated by regularly drinking water. Try to keep sipping water throughout the day – your brain requires sufficient hydration as does your body.
As mentioned above, physically move away from the area where you study every hour or so, for a few minutes. In fact, it can be helpful to study in slots of twenty or twenty-five minutes which is why a plan of action is essential so you are not wasting time trying to figure out what to study or what to read or which equation to figure out – know in advance what you are going to cover during each study time slot. Working with short slots of time makes it seem much more manageable because you are always achieving something – in this block of time I studied x and next study block I’ll do y and in one hour you have achieved goals. Acknowledge achievements – I’m big into self-praise!
Use past exam papers as a way to practice your answers but also to get your timing right. You cannot get marks for an answer that you did not submit. This might seem perfectly obvious but I know students who struggle to finish answers then run out of time having only completed 2 or 4 answers. Before each exam, know how many questions you must answer and how much time you have to answer each question and how the marks will be attributed. This will help you remain calm and in control. If you are unsure, ask your teacher or lecturer to work out the approximate answer times for you.
Perhaps you could avoid people around exam time! When I was doing my Inter Cert (I’m that old), just before our History exam someone started talking about a war or a battle I had never heard of and I certainly had never studied and I found that off-putting to say the least. There is always someone who is bursting to do a post-exam analysis. Imagine that you come out of an exam thinking you handed up quite a good paper, you are feeling pleased and you might even feel happy. Then someone starts to describe how they answered the same questions as you but their answers sound amazing and you start to question what you wrote and before you know it you convince yourself that what you handed up is rubbish! That’s only my own personal experience but it can help to avoid people directly before and after exams to help maintain calm and perspective.
Finally, do not become overwhelmed by your exams. They do not define you – there is always another time and another way of achieving your dream. If you are under pressure, please seek help and tell someone. No person should face a problem on their own.
*I have no affiliation with this app.
www.carolinecrotty.ie
Calm Breathing
Calm Breathing
Calm breathing is a powerful relaxation technique and is a way to stop over-thinking when stressed. It is difficult to sing and to worry at the same time! It is also difficult to feel stressed while we are slowing down our heart rates using calm breathing techniques. When we concentrate and focus on our breathing, it can help calm our bodies and minds.
What is “calm breathing”?
Our breathing changes when we are anxious. We tend to take shorter, quick, shallow breaths. We might even hyperventilate when anxious which makes us feel even more anxious! To gain control over our breathing requires that we slow down our rate of breathing and alter the way in which we breathe. Calm breathing involves taking slow, deep, regular breaths ideally while we count which gives us something on which we can focus.
How to practice calm breathing
The purpose of calm breathing is not to avoid anxiety but to help us control our anxious feelings (we need anxiety in our lives it’s part of being human and alive). Ideally choose a time where you will not be interrupted. If you are seated, rest your arms on the sides of your armchair or on your lap. Inhale (through your nose) to a count of four, hold for two and exhale (through your mouth) to a count of six. Pause slightly before breathing again.
Tips for practice
Try to allow yourself up to five minutes three times a day when you initially start to practice calm breathing but a couple of minutes is better than no minute!
Practice while feeling relatively calm so you can use this new skill when you next feel anxious. You will need to feel comfortable breathing in this (new) calm way before using it when feeling stressed or anxious. It takes patience and practice but you will gradually master it.
Once you are comfortable, start using calm breathing in situations that cause anxiety or when you are trying to sleep. You can do it while driving (but keep both hands on the steering wheel and your eyes wide open!).
Helpful Hints:
Sitting upright may increase the capacity of your lungs to fill with air but lying down on your back can work well too.
Try to breathe in to and from your tummy or abdomen. Your shoulders and chest area should be fairly relaxed and still. Let go of the tension you feel in your shoulders or face with every exhalation. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your tummy. When you breathe calmly and deeply you will find that only the hand on your tummy rises (as you inhale) and falls (as you exhale), the hand on your chest will not move, demonstrating that you are breathing deeply ‘into’ and ‘from’ your tummy rather than your chest.
Try to take a few deep breaths regularly throughout the day – every time you enter or leavea. certain rom, this means that you will calm your system without it becoming a chore or something you feel you must do – it becomes a healthy habit. We put on our shoes or socks and that’s a good time to take a couple of minutes to breathe slowly and calmly.
Time Management
Time Management
I had a tendency to be late for appointments or arrive bang on time without a second to spare. The reason is that I believe I can complete several tasks before I leave home or leave the office. My being late is really an indication of my optimism or so I like to tell myself! Time management is easier than you might think. It simply takes organising.
Time Analysis
First things first, in order to manage your time you firstly need to find out exactly how you actually use it. Take a couple of hours to break down a day-by-day analysis of how you utilise your time. Examine your activities and see what areas of your life need more or less time.
Write
Write down your appointments so that you know where you are supposed to be and when. Write down tasks (a to-do list) in order of importance. Complete the most important tasks first. When we write things down, we crystallise our thinking and having a written list will stop you going over mental lists and that helps reduce stress.
Tackle Tasks
Break time-consuming tasks into manageable, smaller tasks. I am guilty of postponing tasks that seem overwhelming or if I am not quite sure where I should start. Doing a small piece of a big task helps us keep focused and gives a starting point.
Learn To Say No
We can only be in one place at once and we cannot divide ourselves amongst everyone. Learn to say no and if someone asks you to do something say you need to check something and will revert the following day – this gives you time to ask yourself if you can or if you actually want to do something before you commit yourself. If you do say ‘yes’ to doing something, then do so willingly, without complaint and without expecting thanks.
Ask For Help
If you need help, simply ask for it. Not always easy I know but share your problems with others – talking helps with keeping things in perspective. Asking for help may also give you some new ideas as to how to progress.
Set Limits / Goals
Only work on something for a set period of time. Do not stay stationary for hours on end simply to try to get to the end. Take breaks, eat, hydrate and move. Set limits such as working on something for say two hours before going for a walk. You will be more productive and focused when you return to continue the task. Praise yourself when you achieve a goal.
Disconnect
Try not to use your mobile phone more than you is necessary. Disconnect from social media as much as you can or limit your use to certain days of the week. Leave your work phone in the car during the evening or at weekends. Disconnecting frees up your time to do productive tasks or those you may have been postponing/avoiding. If you are easily distracted by social media or find yourself watching interesting talks on line (my favourite!) especially when you have important tasks to complete, simply allow yourself a certain set time on line, set your alarm and as soon as it sounds, return your attention to productive tasks.
Unsubscribe From Unnecessary Emails
Simply unsubscribe from all emails – those you do not need and those that do not add value to your life and simply clog up your inbox. There is no glory, benefit or advantage to you receiving daily emails notifying you of local coupon offers, clothes sales etc. It will take some time to unsubscribe but it will be well worth it. Unsubscribe from all social media notifications. You do not need to be alerted that Mary/James has checked-in to the dentist!
Allow Time
If you are bogged down in a task, walk away for a minute simply to clear your head. Change your scenery. Give yourself plenty of time to complete all tasks. Allow extra time to reach destinations before scheduled appointments which ensures you remain relaxed and feel in control when you arrive. When organising children to travel with you or if transporting children somewhere, allow extra time (oodles) because there may be a shoe missing or a crisis of a missing teddy and you will have time to remain calm!
Mind Your Body
I really sound like I am giving orders but if you are to be productive then try not to ever go without sleep. You are more productive if you have had enough sleep. You cannot think clearly or make the best judgements if you are tired. Do not sacrifice sleep for tasks. Eat well and eat something no longer than every two and a half hours. Drink water. Do not skip lunch and do not eat it at your desk. It is easy to get bogged down in work and not notice that we have not had something to eat for hours.
Be mindful that you want to be as productive as possible so care for your body. Take regular exercise – this helps clear your mind of worries and shifts stress hormones. Exercise also helps you feel more positive.
Mind Your Mind
Ensure you take time to relax. Consciously unwind. Pay attention to what you tell yourself. Speak encouragingly to yourself. Perfection is not attainable so instead, strive for progress. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can do. Take breaks and simply stare at the sky and watch the clouds float by or hang around overhead – this is time for you to simply switch off. Learn a relaxation skill so you become better-able to stop any whirring or washing machine-type thoughts.
When you are relaxed you can think clearly and remember new information (the opposite is true when we are anxious).
Leave Work At Work
I leave my work mobile in the car when I am in my home. Once at home I resist the urge to check work emails – I don’t always win that battle! I am very conscious of trying to keep boundaries and leave work-related issues outside my front door once I walk over the threshold. Before I enter my home, I take a few minutes simply sitting in my car to ensure I leave work at work and ready myself to be at home.
How to Prevent Arguments at Home: Practical Tips for Calmer Conversations
Arguments at home can be draining and unproductive. Learn practical ways to prevent conflict, improve communication, and build understanding with loved ones.
Tips on what to do (particularly in our homes) to avoid arguments
While we are in contact with others, we will have differences of opinion. We might simply want to explain our point of view but sometimes those conversations, where we voice our opinions, turn into disagreements which can then progress into arguments. Arguments are often laden with personal insults, raised voices and verbal attacks and, instead of sorting out a difficulty, arguments add to it.
People ask how to move past or get over arguments and, in my experience, it would be best if we never argued because neither party feels good after an argument.
It is a fact of life that we will disagree with others at certain points in our lives but how we air that disagreement is key. There is no need for a verbal assault when we do not agree with someone especially about simple things like what to have for dinner or what programme to watch on tv. In fact there is never any need for a verbal assault.
When disagreements lead to conflict, it is time to examine how to improve our communication skills. Do not get caught up in the heat of the moment, remain calm and relaxed because your thinking will remain clear. If a discussion is beginning to turn into an argument, do not let it become personal.
Keep blame out of the conversation by learning to use “I Statements” which have a profoundly positive impact on all our communication because they instantly remove blame (or verbal finger pointing).
The I Statement format is “I feel X when Y because Z”.
Instead of saying “You drive me crazy because you never listen to me or what I am trying to tell you”, try “I feel frustrated when I am not heard because what I have to say is important to me.”
“You never clean up after yourself and I’ve spent the day tidying. You never lift a finger, you are so inconsiderate.” or “I feel disappointed there’s dirty ware in the sink because I spent a long time tidying and I am delighted when I have help in the kitchen” – see the difference? You are changing from accusatory to making a statement about how you feel about the situation.
If you think your conversation is getting emotional or heated, simply take time out. It is vital to explain, ahead of time, that the new course of action in your household is that you are removing yourself until you are relaxed. Explain that you are not ignoring the topic or the person because silence can be abusive. Later that day or when the time is right, sort out the difficulty and resolve differences of opinion through conversation. You can explain rather than express (rather than bang doors or go silent, simply chat).
Another point worthy of note is when we are desperately trying to get our point or opinion across, we actually forget to listen and hear what is being said. Before you respond to someone, you could try restating what has been said using your own words. This is called ‘reflective listening’ and is regularly used in therapy to demonstrate what a person is saying is being heard. Reflect back what you are hearing and then calmly share your opinion. When you use this technique, you and your family member will each reflect ideas, back and forth and you will feel understood and heard, even if you disagree.
Finding common ground and a resolution is important. We know disagreements take place and if you cannot agree, try to work towards finding the best resolution for you both – it is not enough to say – “…because I said so” instead ask “how can we compromise on this?”
Ask yourself whether any type of argument is really worth the hassle? It takes two to argue but only one to stop. Remember to always ask yourself “Will this matter in five years’ time?”
Ask yourself if you are trying to prove or demonstrate that you are right about something. If you are right, then invariably, someone else is wrong. Why is it important to you to prove that someone else wrong? Find a way to let it go.
Need support with relationship communication? I offer one-to-one therapy sessions in Cork and online. If you’d like help navigating conflict, managing anxiety, or improving communication at home, feel free to contact me:
We may get angry when we think we have been disrespected, hard done by or unfairly treated. We may feel angry if someone breaks our rules or goes against our principles or does not meet our expectations.
When we have angry thoughts and feelings, we stimulate our body’s fight or flight response.
Anger in our minds
We may think angry thoughts when a rule is broken or if someone is unfairly treated or when we see an injustice. We may get angry about something outside of our control for example angry thoughts might happen at the side of a football pitch at a referee’s decision or if an umpire does not see what we see.
Anger in our bodies
When we feel threatened or in danger or that we need to defend ourselves or others, our bodies internal inbuilt alarm system switches on. This is our fight, flight or freeze response. When this response is triggered our hearts beat quickly pumping blood to our muscles to help us defend ourselves or run for the hills; our breathing quickens pumping oxygen around our bodies; our muscles become tense ready for action; we may tremble or shake; our skin sweats (sticky feeling hot & cold); we may feel dizzy or light-headed; our tummy can feel sick or strange (like butterflies doing backflips); we may clench our jaw muscles and fists.
Anger in our behaviours
To look at us when we are angry we might look a little wild, staring with a fearsome look; we may have an aggressive stance or posture; we might roar or shout or do the opposite and stay silent but on the inside we are seething. We might slam doors and make loads of noise or sulk and stay quiet. We might burst into tears. Anger affects us differently.
Anger
Anger is a normal human emotion and everyone feels angry from time to time. Anger can be a motivating emotion. However, when we get angry or lose our tempers (and lose control) it can often mean we hurt others’ feelings or even hurt others physically. Some people get angry when they are driving or become angry at work with their co-workers or managers. In my experience people who are very anxious or stressed easily lose their cool because when we are anxious the same hormones are released as when we are angry so our bodies are ready for anger when we are stressed.
Some people get angry after too much alcohol – this is because of a variety of reasons including the fact that we lose our ability to think rationally when we binge drink. I do not think people feel particularly happy after an angry outburst. In my experience, we feel worse than we did before we got angry because we can’t rewind and take back what we said or did.
To take control of your anger, learn to understand it. Anger is a reaction to your thoughts or to how you feel, your moods, to what’s going on around you or to your memories. Learning about your anger and identifying your hot points or triggers can help you stay in control. Find out what is most likely to make you angry. Take notice of what happens to you when you get angry, physically and mentally and learn how to react appropriately.
Self-Talk
If you sense that you are getting angry, catch it and take control by asking yourself a series of questions:
What is really making me angry?
How important is this?
Am I misreading the situation?
What is the best thing to do right now?
What is the best thing for me and for everyone else?
It is possible I might be wrong?
Could I be overreacting?
Take a deep breath and keep thinking…when people lose their temper they are not thinking clearly. Physical movement, even something as simple as consciously exhaling can help diffuse anger. It can also help to remove yourself from the physical situation – go outside or into another room or for a quick walk. You can come back and talk later.
Relaxation Tips
Relaxation techniques can be used to gain control over anger. Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing – learn to inhale into and out from your tummy (not your chest). Repeat to yourself a calm phrase or a word such as “relax,” “I am cool” or “this is not important to me”. Repeat that to yourself while you breathe in and out. Practice deep breathing daily so that when angry thoughts or anger triggers arise, you can use deep breathing to remain in control. Relaxing imagery is helpful where you visualise a relaxing place and it can help take your mind off your angry reaction.
Changing Thinking
People who are angry tend to focus on the negative such as “this is awful, now the whole day is ruined” or “this could only happen to me” “people always take advantage of me” or “I never have any luck”. Remind yourself that everyone has disappointments in life and tough times. Losing your temper will not help the situation and will probably make you feel worse. Become aware of what you are telling yourself, what is your internal voice saying – examine your thinking pattern and make changes.
Problem Solving
Your angry outburst is not problem-solving. If something is weighing on your mind, make a plan either alone or with a friend. What can you do to solve your problem? Is there a solution? Try to tackle your problems and to take control. Do not give yourself a hard time if you are unable to solve your problems – seek expert outside help.
Better Communication
Do not act on a conclusion because you could be way off target! If a discussion is bothering you, slow everything down and think about what you are going to say – don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Ask questions, try to listen to what is being said. There is no urgency with your reply. If you stay calm, you can avert an argument, confrontation and outburst.
If you are living with anger and want to discuss different ways of coping please contact me.
Caroline Crotty Counselling & Psychotherapy Limited - 636306 - Suite 7, Block A, South Terrace Medical Centre, Infirmary Road, Cork T12 WF40
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