Anger

We may get angry when we think we have been disrespected, hard done by or unfairly treated.  We may feel angry if someone breaks our rules or goes against our principles or does not meet our expectations.

When we have angry thoughts and feelings, we stimulate our body’s fight or flight response.

Anger in our minds

We may think angry thoughts when a rule is broken or if someone is unfairly treated or when we see an injustice.  We may get angry about something outside of our control for example angry thoughts might happen at the side of a football pitch at a referee’s decision or if an umpire does not see what we see.

Anger in our bodies

When we feel threatened or in danger or that we need to defend ourselves or others, our bodies internal inbuilt alarm system switches on.  This is our fight, flight or freeze response.  When this response is triggered our hearts beat quickly pumping blood to our muscles to help us defend ourselves or run for the hills; our breathing quickens pumping oxygen around our bodies; our muscles become tense ready for action; we may tremble or shake; our skin sweats (sticky feeling hot & cold); we may feel dizzy or light-headed; our tummy can feel sick or strange (like butterflies doing backflips); we may clench our jaw muscles and fists.

Anger in our behaviours

To look at us when we are angry we might look a little wild, staring with a fearsome look; we may have an aggressive stance or posture; we might roar or shout or do the opposite and stay silent but on the inside we are seething.  We might slam doors and make loads of noise or sulk and stay quiet.  We might burst into tears.  Anger affects us differently.

Anger

Anger is a normal human emotion and everyone feels angry from time to time.  Anger can be a motivating emotion. However, when we get angry or lose our tempers (and lose control) it can often mean we hurt others’ feelings or even hurt others physically.  Some people get angry when they are driving or become angry at work with their co-workers or managers.  In my experience people who are very anxious or stressed easily lose their cool because when we are anxious the same hormones are released as when we are angry so our bodies are ready for anger when we are stressed.

Some people get angry after too much alcohol – this is because of a variety of reasons including the fact that we lose our ability to think rationally when we binge drink.  I do not think people feel particularly happy after an angry outburst.  In my experience, we feel worse than we did before we got angry because we can’t rewind and take back what we said or did.

To take control of your anger, learn to understand it. Anger is a reaction to your thoughts or to how you feel, your moods, to what’s going on around you or to your memories. Learning about your anger and identifying your hot points or triggers can help you stay in control.  Find out what is most likely to make you angry. Take notice of what happens to you when you get angry, physically and mentally and learn how to react appropriately.

Self-Talk

If you sense that you are getting angry, catch it and take control by asking yourself a series of questions:

What is really making me angry?

How important is this?

Am I misreading the situation?

What is the best thing to do right now?

What is the best thing for me and for everyone else?

It is possible I might be wrong?

Could I be overreacting?

Take a deep breath and keep thinking…when people lose their temper they are not thinking clearly. Physical movement, even something as simple as consciously exhaling can help diffuse anger.  It can also help to remove yourself from the physical situation – go outside or into another room or for a quick walk. You can come back and talk later.

Relaxation Tips

Relaxation techniques can be used to gain control over anger. Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing – learn to inhale into and out from your tummy (not your chest). Repeat to yourself a calm phrase or a word such as “relax,” “I am cool” or “this is not important to me”. Repeat that to yourself while you breathe in and out. Practice deep breathing daily so that when angry thoughts or anger triggers arise, you can use deep breathing to remain in control. Relaxing imagery is helpful where you visualise a relaxing place and it can help take your mind off your angry reaction.

Changing Thinking

People who are angry tend to focus on the negative such as “this is awful, now the whole day is ruined” or “this could only happen to me” “people always take advantage of me” or “I never have any luck”. Remind yourself that everyone has disappointments in life and tough times. Losing your temper will not help the situation and will probably make you feel worse. Become aware of what you are telling yourself, what is your internal voice saying – examine your thinking pattern and make changes.

Problem Solving

Your angry outburst is not problem-solving. If something is weighing on your mind, make a plan either alone or with a friend. What can you do to solve your problem? Is there a solution? Try to tackle your problems and to take control. Do not give yourself a hard time if you are unable to solve your problems – seek expert outside help.

Better Communication

Do not act on a conclusion because you could be way off target! If a discussion is bothering you, slow everything down and think about what you are going to say – don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. Ask questions, try to listen to what is being said. There is no urgency with your reply. If you stay calm, you can avert an argument, confrontation and outburst.

If you are living with anger and want to discuss different ways of coping please contact me.